Knives Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

When I see lover's names carved in a tree...

I don't think it's sweet. I'm just surprised of how many people bring knives on a date.

Knives are extremely advanced

They are all cutting edge technology

Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.

The market for raisins dried up. Balloon prices were inflated. And toilet paper touched a new bottom.

I've started blunting knives to help myself relax.

Really takes the edge off.

When I see lover's names on trees, I don't think it is sweet.

I think why on earth do people bring knives on dates?

Two men sit in a bar when a guy with a bunch of knives comes in..

.. one of the guys turned to the other and said:

"See that guy with all those knives? He's *Knife Bill*"

Some time later a man with 8 guns on his belt comes in and again the guy turned to the other and said:

"See that guy with all those guns? He's *Gun Bill*"

An hour later a guy with 5 arms and 3 legs comes in and the other guy asks:

"Who is that??"

"That's *Cherno Bill*"

Ladies and gentlemen

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps

Crosseyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants

I've come to tell you a lie that is true.

One fine day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys rose up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other

Pulled out knives and shot each other.

Two deaf policemen heard the noise

And ran to save the two dead boys.

If you don't believe this lie is true

Go ask the blind man, he saw it too.

Two Jews are walking in Odessa at night...

Suddenly, in a dark alley, they are surrounded by muggers with knives.

-- Money, watches, wallets - quick!

One Jew turns to the other:
-- Abram, remember, I owe you $300? Here they are, returned to you in front of witnesses.

In an attempt to help the less fortunate, I want to start a charity where people can donate their lightly used weaponry, whether they be guns, knives, tanks, etc so that the poor and disabled can have a sense of security while living on the streets at an affordable price

It could be called the Goodkill

I'm sitting in a jail cell

and it's killing me that I was arrested for something so stupid. On a dare, I robbed a kitchen supply store. Sure, the expensive knives would have been great, and who doesn't want a food processor?

But all in all, it just wasn't work the whisk.

What do you call your significant other's knives?

Bae blades.

Onions are a lot like knives....

If you get them in your eye you'll probably cry

One fine day..

One fine day in the middle of the night

two dead boys rose up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other,

pulled out knives and shot each other.

Two deaf policeman heard the noise

and ran to save the two dead boys.

If you don't believe this lie is true,

Go ask the blind man, he saw it too.

Buried Knife Found at O.J.'s Estate

Proof that black knives matter?

Daddy, where do scissors come from?

Well, two knives screw together.

Studies show people who carry tactical knives with flashlights are less confident guessers.

They never take a stab in the dark.

I entered a contest to win a set of really nice vegetable knives

...but no dice.

Comprehensive guide to sneaking knives through TSA.

Worked 7/7 times for me so far with a switchblade.

Step 1: Be white.

To anyone thinking that a womans place is the kitchen

Remember that's where the knives are kept.

My girlfriend said to me 'If you could, would you want to know when you died and why?'

I said 'No'
She replied 'Well, I'm going out to buy some steak knives, want anything?'

Couple's initials carved on a tree is cute and all but

I think it's weird how many people bring knives on a date ... in a forest

What do you call the science of knives?

Cutting edge technology.

I hate blunt knives

They just won't cut it for me

All knives are cutting edge technology.

... Or maybe just cutting technology.

Victorinox, the makers of Swiss Army knives, recently branched out into the medical supply business after developing a universal tool fit for every hospital ICU.

Their marketing slogan: "For all intensive purposes."

I came up with a new game:

Two players need a chessboard, a diamond ace, a dice, a bunch of bananas, two condoms and a set of kitchen knives. Players must improvise. After two hours, host opens an envelope with the rules, and players will find out which of them has lost the least.

I called this game "Life".

A recent report shows that

Gangs are now using dogs instead of knives, I tried this.

My toast was very hairy

Wanna know what really divides people?


Want to hear a quality joke about knives?

On second thought, I can't tell it. It's too edgy

When you see lovers names carved into a tree,

Do you think that's sweet, or do you worry that people bring knives on dates

You can make any salad jnto a Caesar salad.

You just gotta add 23 knives.

I recently went to a science seminar on new materials we could use to make knives more efficient

It was cutting edge stuff.

Watch your words

For all the guys who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.

I bought some new knives today

The old ones just didn't seem to cut it anymore

Why does the Islamic State use knives as traffic signs?

So they be-heading in the right direction.

What do you call a salad that looks like it was repeatedly impaled by knives

Caesar salad.

Why did Chicken DEATH cross the road?

To get to the other scythe...
(and a million Terry Pritchett fans sharpen their knives)

You know collecting knives makes me cool because

they are so edgy.

There are knives on the piano.

I guess you could say that's an F sharp.

I lost some forks and knives...

Silverwhere'd you go?

Besides, rotisserie meat is too tough for those tiny army knives.

Swiss people refuse to dine at Boston Market because they hate choosing sides.

What are the funniest knives jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Knives? Well, here are the best Knives puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Knives pick up lines to share with friends.

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