Knife Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.

Me: What are you trying to say?

Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

2 blind guys were about to fight

I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away.

My mom just told me this one

Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!?

Me: really? Who?

Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something...

Me: Witherspoon?

Mom: no, with her knife

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.

How do you stop a fight between two blind men?

Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.

I saw two blind men fighting

And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"

Then they both ran away

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few year ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been far more successful.

Today, I saw 2 blind people fighting

Then I shouted: "I'm supporting the one with the knife", they both ran away.

Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.

Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

Inventor displays the first knife ever.

His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread"
Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind"

I've decided to start carrying a knife.

After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns

Go for the juggler

What is the difference between arguing with a knife and arguing with your girlfriend?

The knife has a point.

Do you really have to lick the knife!? she asked with a disapproving frown. Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit. I said, chuckling. Lots of people do it though, don't they?!

Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.

I used my knife to conserve ammo...

the rest of the paintball tournament were horrified

Do you really have to lick the knife? she asked frowning. Sorry, force of habit! I chuckled. Lots of people do it though, don't they?

Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.

I saw two blind dudes fighting the other day...

.. and I yelled "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!"


Both of them ran away.

I started carrying a knife after a failed mugging attempt last year...

All my attempts have been pretty successful this year.

The other day i saw two blind guys fighting

I yelled: I BET ON THE ONE WITH THE KNIFE!

They run away from each other

Today I saw two blind people fighting...

Today I saw two blind people fighting... Then I shouted, "I'm rooting for the one with a knife!" They both ran away.

For me, getting girls is like spreading butter...

It's much easier with a knife.

I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.

After that my mugging attempts have been very successful

Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and $300.

You won't believe how happy I felt after he put his knife back in his pocket.

Saw two blind people fighting today.

I said, "I think that the guy with the knife will win!" They both ran away.

Today I saw two blind people fighting

I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife!" They both run away.

I saw two blind guys fist fighting,

I yelled, "I'm betting on the guy with the knife."
And they both ran away.

I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x

He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket

Getting girls to have sex with me is like getting ketchup out of a bottle.

Easy when I have a knife.

An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever.

His friend says, Wow! That's the best thing since bread.


The inventor says, Well, I'm about to blow your mind.

*mugger pulls a knife*

Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

I got banned from laser tag today....

I guess they didn't like it when i used a knife to save ammo.

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife's house.

Last night a man attacked me.

Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my throat with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.

It said : *Self-defense courses.*

So...I got banned from laser tag today

Apparently you can't use a knife to conserve ammo

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.

Since then my muggings have been way more successful.

I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few years ago...

…since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

I got mugged by a thief last night.

I got mugged by a theif last night on my way from work.

Pointing a knife at me and asked me... "Your money or your life!".

I told him I am Married... "So I have no money and I have no life... ".

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment....

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

For me, having sex is a lot like spreading butter on toast.

It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.

Probably already been said, but it made me chuckle when I thought of it.

A man has been found dead in central London this evening, reports confirm the man died due to being stabbed with a triangular knife.

Police are calling it an isoscelated incident.

After a mugging attempt a few years ago, I started carrying a knife.

My muggings are much more successful these days.

How can you potentially kill someone with some Potassium, Nickel & Iron

With a KNiFe

Today, I decided to donate all my worldly possessions and give myself up to Jesus

It's pretty hard to say no to a Mexican dude with a knife.

Today I donated a watch...

Today I donated a watch and $500 dollars to a poor guy. You don't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put back his knife in his pocket.

Do you really have to lick the knife? she asked. Sorry, force of habit. Lots of people do it though, don't they? I said.

Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor.

Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.

It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging

Ever since then, my muggings have been a lot more successful!

What are the funniest knife jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Knife? Well, here are the best Knife puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Knife pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes