Knife Jokes

Funniest Knife Short Jokes

Short knife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The knife humour may include short toolbox jokes also.

1. 2 blind guys were about to fight I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
   Both started running away.
2. In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo. All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
3. I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
4. Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.
5. How do you stop a fight between two blind men? Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.
6. I saw two blind men fighting And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"
   Then they both ran away
7. Why did the spoon come to the party dressed as a knife? The invitation said to look sharp.
8. I saw two blind people fighting... and I shouted, "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!" They both ran away.
9. Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy. Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket
10. A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life" I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

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Knife One Liners

Which knife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with knife? I can suggest the ones about sword and fork.

1. I got banned from laser tag today. Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.
2. For me, getting girls is like spreading butter... It's much easier with a knife.
3. Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty And killed someone in Battlefield
4. I just bought a knife that can cut 8 pieces of bread at once. It's a four loaf cleaver.
5. Last night, a guy tried to stab me with a butter knife He said i was toast.
6. A Swiss Army Knife is a lot like a pod of dolphins... Multi-porpoise!
7. I know Mexican judo Judo know if I have a knife.
   Judo know if I have a gun.
8. What do you call a guy with a knife sticking out of him? An ambulance
9. Why buy an invisible knife? I don't see the point
10. how to stop two blind guys from fighting Yell "HE HAS A KNIFE"
11. What do you call a utility knife that doesn't work? A futility knife.
12. How do you disarm a man with a knife? Cut between the shoulder and upper arm.
13. What is the difference between a feminist and a knife? A knife has a point
14. I can't think of a good knife pun. Anybody want to take a stab at it?
15. Can somebody please hand me a knife? This fork just isn't cutting it.

Knife Fork Jokes

Here is a list of funny knife fork jokes and even better knife fork puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting" then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"
• I remember when I was a kid, at dinner my parents gave me a knife and fork, so I'd bang them on the table.. ..We were quite an incestuous family.
• A recent survey found only 20% of parents were eating dinner with their children... ...the other 80% were using a knife and fork.
• Once a man named his cats Spoon, Fork and Knife They were his Catlery
• A fork and a knife's conversation Knife: forks are basically useless.
  Fork: why? What will people eat with?
  Knife:with their hands.
  Fork: you've got a point
• Spooning leads to forking But if you fork the wrong dish, you could get knifed.
• Utensils Guy 1: "Hey, did you hear that Joe got knifed the other day?"
  Guy 2: "That's forked up!"
  Guy 1: *glares at Guy 2*
  Guy 2: "What? Too spoon?*
• What did the spoon say to the knife. It's knife to meet you. You wanna fork.
  The knife then says, I can't there's to much on my plate.
• Why didn't the fork and spoon want to hang out with the butter knife? He was just too dull.
• What do you call an aggressive knife and fork? Cutlairy.

Butter Knife Jokes

Here is a list of funny butter knife jokes and even better butter knife puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• Using a butter knife on steak... it just doesn't cut it.
• A man has an option to turn into any object in the universe, he chose a butter knife. He wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer...
• Why did the butter break up with the knife? It kept getting left on bread.
• What is the same with spreading butter on a toast and getting a woman to spread her legs?
  It is possible with a credit card, but much easier with a knife.
• What is a butter knife's favorite song? I Wanna Be Serrated 🤘😁🤘
• Chuck Norris cut's a knife with butter.
• In a restaurant I found a WW2 Swiss Army knife It was a very good butter knife
• What can cut through a hot knife with butter? Chuck Norris

Pocket Knife Jokes

Here is a list of funny pocket knife jokes and even better pocket knife puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket
• I donated my watch to a homeless person today. I was so happy when he put his knife back in his pocket.
• Today, I donated a my watch, phone and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't know how happy he looked as he put his knife back in his pocket.
• Did you hear about the pocket knife that fell in love with a sharpening stone? They're lawfully whetted now.

Sharp Knife Jokes

Here is a list of funny sharp knife jokes and even better sharp knife puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• *mugger pulls a knife* Mugger: gimme your money
  Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
  *later*
  Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs
• When cooking, I sometimes talk to my knife. I talk to it about my current life situations.
  The knife tells me I'm crazy.
  It tends to be pretty sharp about these things, so I guess it has a point.
• My girlfriend introduced me to her father and mentioned I was a knife salesman He said he's happy she's dating me because I must be pretty sharp.
• A knife walks into a bar... the bartender says, "hey you're looking sharp!"
• "This surgical knife isn't sharp," ...Dr. Swiftie said bluntly.
• What did the man say about his kitchen? I hate it. The knifes think they're so sharp, the refrigerator thinks that he's so cool, and my freezer is cold-hearted.
• What did one knife say to the other Lookin' sharp
• You brought a pun to a knife fight? That wasn't very sharp....
• What do you call it when you are mugged with a knife? A sharp turn
• Why should you always carry a knife around? Because sharp wits won't always give you the edge.

Swiss Army Knife Jokes

Here is a list of funny swiss army knife jokes and even better swiss army knife puns that will make you laugh with friends.

• 2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight, then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......
• "Ain't" is like a Swiss Army knife It's got a lot of uses but you can't use it in school.
• If the Swiss Army knife is so good.... How come the Swiss army never fights?
• The Swiss army uses a Chuck Norris knife.

Unearthly Funniest Knife Jokes to Tickle Your Sides

What funny jokes about knife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean itch jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make knife pranks.