Knickers Jokes

I bought the Mrs some crotchless knickers for Halloween.

Nothing s**... it's just to give her a better grip on her broomstick:

I know I need to lose weight when..

I ask my boyfriend "do I look fat in these knickers ? " and he says " what knickers ?"

Ladies - how do you know if you are having a good time?

When you throw your knickers against the wall, and they stay there.

Talking shoes

What did the shoes say to the capri pants?
"What's up britches!"

What did the shoes say to the black underpants?
"Whassup my knickers?"

So I'm at the dentist's office...

...in the waiting room when this woman comes storming out, shouting curses and threatening to sue. When she's gone, the dentist is standing in the doorway, speechless, so I ask him, "gee, doc, what's got her knickers in a twist?" And he says, "I don't know, I just asked her to take a shot in the mouth."

My girlfriend asked me to take off her bra and knickers...

And to not put them back on again.

Did ya hear about the woman with five legs? Her knickers fitted her like a glove.

A Brit shopping for pants just caused a riot at a Black Lives Matter protest outside our local Walmart

He asked someone if the store sold knickers.

How do you tell if a girl is wearing no knickers

By the dandruff on her shoes

p**... rings his new girlfriend's door

p**... rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says p**..., 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

A woman came into our work yesterday to give us all a talk about s**... harassment in the work place.

A woman came into our work yesterday to give us all a talk about s**... harassment in the work place. After the presentation she asked, "Has anyone got any questions?"
I put my hand up and asked, "What colour knickers have you got on?"

I got beat up at a black lives matter rally for complaining about my underwear

These knickers where just making me so uncomfortable

I was sat on the beach with my girlfriend the other day.

After a while, I turned to her and said, "If you were to see someone in a bra and knickers at the beach, you would think they are crazy. But somehow it's perfectly acceptable to wear a bikini, which is s**... as it's basically the same thing."

She said, "I don't care. Please, just take them off."

Bought the wife some Meatloaf knickers for Xmas.

The front says "I will do anything for love"

On the rear it says "but I won't do that"

What did the rapper say when he couldn't find his pants?

"Where my knickers at?"

An ode to old ladies knickers.

Rose's are red

Violet's are blue

Ethel's are green

Did you know my girlfriend is a fortune teller?

Once a month I put my hand down her knickers and get my palm red!

A guy ring's his new girlfriend's doorbell

She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in.

She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"

"Don't be silly" says her boyfriend, "you must have a vase somewhere!"

I call this poem Old Women's Knickers

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Ethels are green

I went for a romantic break with the wife

She came out of the bathroom and said "take off my dress"

As I peeled off her dress, she said "take off my bra"

My hands trembled as I unclasped the strap. Then came "take off my knickers"

I slowly pulled them down, and she shouted

"and I don't ever want to catch you wearing them again!"

When I get home I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off

The elastic's killing me 😫

Today on Words that sound bad but aren't; Knickers

Todd, Did you steal all my Knickers again?

Dammed Knickers taking all the good boys away from all the good p**... women.

My wife came rushing in out of the garden and said, "There's a pair of my knickers missing off the washing line."

I said, "I know, the two kids from next door have them." She said, "The dirty little perverts." I said, "It's nothing like that, they mentioned something about building an hammock."

What do you call two robbers?

A pair of knickers.

Why did the blonde get confused in the ladies toilet?

She had to pull her knickers down herself.

I've bought the wife a pair of crotchless knickers ready for Halloween.

There's nothing s**... in it, it's just that she'll get a better grip on her broomstick.

What did the brittish gangster say when they lost there pants?

Where my knickers at!?

Two guys are changing in a locker room, one is putting on lace knickers

"Since when do you wear womens pants?"

"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

p**... rings his new girlfriend's door bell

p**... rings his new girlfriend's door bell, holding a

big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips

her knickers off and says

'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says p**...,

'You must have a vase somewhere!'

Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Mum said, "You should say "No", they only want to look at your knickers."

Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

I saw a 5 legged woman crying and I asked her why

She said she could never get shoes to match. I tried to console her so I said at least your knickers fit like a glove

I was buying the wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant;

Are these knickers satin?"
"No she said, They're brand new...

"Mommy, mommy! Suzy at school was showing the boys her knickers for a penny."

*Oh my goodness, my son. What did you do?*

"I came straight home, of course!"

*That's my good boy.*

"Mom?"

*Yes, my son?*

"May I please have a penny?"

Little Susie came home from school and told her mum the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels

"you should tell them No, they only want to see your knickers" said her mum

"I know that, that's why I hide them in my bag"

I was in a fancy l**... shop, and I asked the cashier if these knickers were satin..

She said 'no, they're brand new!'

An Irishman goes to buy some wellies

The assistant hands him a pair and he tries one on.
Noticing that he's having difficulty, she gently says:
"Sir, if you look under the soles, you'll see L and R, for Left and Right"
The ponders this for a moment and then blurts out:
"To be sure, beghora, that'll be why me wife's knickers have got C&A written on them!"

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers:

"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"

"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam." I said sternly. "I don't even work here."