Knew Jokes

150 knew jokes and hilarious knew puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about knew that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Knew Short Jokes

Short knew jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The knew humour may include short knowing jokes also.

  1. Father: Son, you were adopted. Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
    Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.
  2. My girlfriend is so smart! I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
    She answered: "What's up, honey?"
    What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
  3. I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo. There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.
  4. Son, you're adopted "I Knew it! I want to meet my biological parents."
    "We are your biological parents, your adoptive parents will come for you tomorrow."
  5. I planned a date with this girl at the gym today, but she didn't show up that's when I knew we weren't gonna work out
  6. If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative... Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!
  7. This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm". I said, "It's sedate."
  8. Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook. He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"
    I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.
  9. So my girlfriend just told me that she needed velocity... Well, her exact words were "time and distance" but I knew what she meant.
  10. Yesterday I accidentally sent a n**... picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamp.

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Knew One Liners

Which knew one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with knew? I can suggest the ones about did u know and knowledge.

  1. I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels She didn't know I existed
  2. I knew a guy who survived mustard gas and pepper spray He is now a seasoned veteran
  3. An average person loses virginity at the age of 17 I always knew I was above average
  4. Why was Kevin Spacey so good at Blackjack? He knew to hit on everything under 17
  5. At first there were only 25 letters in the alphabet. Nobody knew why.
  6. I knew a guy who fell into an industrial meat grinder He's fine now.
  7. I have a stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.
  8. I once knew a Muslim kid that was notoriously late for everything. I called him 9/12
  9. TIL back in the day there were only 25 letters in the alphabet. Nobody knew y.
  10. I once knew an arrogant sponge. he was very self absorbed.
  11. I knew she'd come crawling to me.. I mean, I DID steal her wheelchair
  12. My teacher asked me if I knew any anagrams of "denied". I said, "Indeed".
  13. My Mother in Law fell down a wishing well I was amazed. I never knew they worked.
  14. The fencer thought he knew what was about to happen but... ...his opponent feinted.
  15. Top 13 facts you NEVER knew about non-conductors. #7 won't shock you.

Knew joke, Top 13 facts you NEVER knew about non-conductors.

Comical Knew Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land

What funny jokes about knew you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean believed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make knew pranks.

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely n**....

I'm not sure what scared him more. My n**... body or the fact I knew where he lived

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

I was at the bar last night...

I was at the bar last night and had a few drinks. I knew it was unsafe to take my car home so I took a bus. This was really difficult for me; I've never driven a bus before.

I knew a guy who had an irrational fear of overly intricate clusters of commercial buildings.

He had a complex complex complex.

My gay friend's had an 80's themes costume party.

I came dressed up as AIDS. Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.

I went on a blind date and the girl gave me a honeycomb.

Knew right away she was a keeper.

I once knew a soldier who suffered through both mustard gas and pepper spray.

He was a seasoned veteran.

Swimming in the Ocean

I while back I was sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this guy in the ocean screaming "HELP SHARK, HELP!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

I heard a swimmer shout "Help shark help!!

I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him!

I knew that s**... fetishes could get more and more perverse over time, but... wasn't till I spanked a statue that I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

The Artist

I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.

Stalin appears in Putin's dream...

Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country.
Stalin says "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."
"Why blue?" Putin asks.
"Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."

21st Century

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."
I can tell you, that friggin' fly never knew what hit it ...

Three drunk guys get into a taxi.

The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."
The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

Death Joke

My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die.
Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?
The judge told him.

I made a huge mistake

I took my girlfriend to Subway, when she got her six inch sub, she looked at me and she instantly knew that I've been lying to her for years.

The moist finger

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, at first encountering resistance but then plunging in, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds, before I knew it, she was going down on me.
And I thought to myself..... "I really need a new freakin' boat."

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying

I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying "I'm out for dinner with my friend Emma" because Emma was lying beside me in bed

There are 10 types of people in this world.

Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.

My s**... desires have been getting out of control...

But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

A newbie at work asked me if I knew where the coloured printer was.

I said "It's 2016, Jamal, you can use any printer you want"

A husband leaves his money in the attic...

His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.
The husband replies, " So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."
A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. The wife says to herself, " I knew he should have put it in the basement."

Jesus drove a Honda, but nobody knew about it.

For I did not speak of my own accord. - John 12:49

A mother skunk had two kids that she named In and Out.

A mother skunk had two kids that she named In and Out. Whenever In was in, Out was out. And whenever In was out, Out was in.
One day Out was in but she couldn't find In anywhere. She looked everywhere for In; up, down, left, right, but she could not find In. Finally she asked Out to find In, and Out went right to where In was hiding. When the mother skunk asked Out how he knew where to find In, he replied
"Easy. Instinct."

I really wish I knew who kicked the jack under the car which I was working on..

.. the suspension is killing me.

I was visiting my daughter last night and asked if I could borrow the newspaper...

"This is the 21st Century". She said
"We don't waste money on newspapers, here use this iPad."
All I can tell you is this.
That fly never knew what hit him.

A boy was eating chocolate...

A boy was sitting in a park eating a bar of chocolate. After finishing it, he opened another one and started eating that too. Then the man sitting next to him said
"Do you know that you're damaging your teeth there son?"
"My grandfather lived for a 132 years" the boy replied.
"Was it because of eating chocolate?" the man asked curiously
"No. He knew how to mind his own business."

I freaked out my mailman today

I freaked out my mailman today when I came to the door completely n**.... I'm not sure what shocked him more, my n**... body, or the fact that I knew where he lived.

Two spiders are at another spiders f**....

"Peter was the most gentle spider I ever knew. He wouldn't hurt a fly."
"Yeah, that's true. Do you know what he died from?"

My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

I greeted the mailman at the door n**...

He freaked out. Not so much because of my appearance, more because I knew where he lived.

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her f**...

She'd be spinning in her ditch

This girl said she knew me from the vegetarian restaurant...

But I've never met herbivore!

There's a stereotype that Scottish men are bad at showing their emotions. This isn't true!

I once knew a Scot who loved his wife so much he almost told her!

I was relaxing in a Jacuzzi when my wife pointed a finger at me and gave me a really angry look...

... I knew I was in hot water.

A mathematician couldn't remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But he knew it was <3.

My girl is so smart!

My girlfriend is so smart. I called her from my friends phone and she said "what's up honey?". She already knew I was on the other side of the line ;)

So a prison break was happening...

And I happened to be walking around when it happened. It had a huge wall, and I saw someone climbing down from it. Turns out I knew the guy, he's a famous midget con artist that I ratted out. As he climbed down, he gave me this wretched look.
It was a little condescending.

I went to the Doctor and he said that I was paranoid

He didn't actually say that but I knew what he was thinking.

I once knew twins who were exactly alike except one was missing an eye

They were dentical twins

It was my first day at a new school.

When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.

I just fell victim to a dad joke

Dad: What do you get when you cross a tuna, a piano, and glue.
Me: I don't know?
Dad: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
Me: What about the glue?
Dad: I knew you would get stuck on that part.

A vegan, feminist and a famous rapper walk in a bar

I only knew because they told me 10 times.

I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was...

But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

My doctor just asked me if I knew my s**... count

"Didn't realise they were that clever"

My lesbian neighbors bought me a Rolex for my birthday

I don't think they knew what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"

WIFE: - "If I knew you were so poor, I would never have married you."

HUSBAND: - "But I warned you! I said you are everything I have!"

A barber got arrested..

A barber got arrested in my area for dealing drugs and I'm totally shook. I've been his customer for years and never knew he was a barber.

To make a fool love you, praise their intelligence...

...but you already knew that, because you're so intelligent.

I saw Santa Claus having s**... with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.

It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.

I was standing in a library

And a black dude walks up to me and asked if i knew where the colored printer was. I told him "dude, it's almost 2018, use any printer you want."

My grandpa knew the Titanic was going to sink. He said it loudly countless times...

Then he got kicked out of the theater.

Son, you are adopted.

Son: What?! I knew it! Where are my real parents, I want to meet my real parents!
Dad: Oh, no no. We are your real parents! The new ones will arrive in 20 minutes.

I called my wife's phone using my best friend's phone. She answered with "Hey baby"...

She knew it was me before I even spoke. True love at it's finest.

Friendship between men and women

Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.

I got a letter that was just addressed to "You Idiot".

What bothers me is that the post office knew where to deliver it.

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde

The police officer asks the blonde, "Can I see you license and registration, please?". The blonde then asked, "What is that?", the police officer says, "That thing with your face on it", the blonde then pulls a mirror out of her purse, and hands it to the police officer. The police officer then says, "Oh, my bad, if I knew you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over."

Back in the day last name said something about your profession...

The Smiths would hammer away creating armor and weapons as blacksmiths. The Fishers would navigate the seas in search as fishermen. And The Dickinsons, well no one really knew what they did.

I was with a deaf girl who knew sign language, we were watching that movie where Johnny Depp has blades for fingers. I couldn't remember what that character was called so I sign to her, What's that character's name?

Edward, says her hands.

I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.

She said "They're right behind you".

Father: Son you were adopted

Son: I knew it I want to meet my real parents
Father: We are your real parents your new ones are coming in 20 minutes

My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!

Never knew he was a barber

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream

He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue."
Putin asks, "Why blue?"
Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."

I never thought it was possible for clocks to have s**...

But when the time came, I finally knew

Knew joke, I never thought it was possible for clocks to have s**...