Knew Jokes
150 knew jokes and hilarious knew puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about knew that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Knew Short Jokes
Short knew jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The knew humour may include short did u know jokes also.
- Father: Son, you were adopted. Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes. - My girlfriend is so smart! I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone! - I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo. There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.
- I planned a date with this girl at the gym today, but she didn't show up that's when I knew we weren't gonna work out
- If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative... Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!
- This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm". I said, "It's sedate."
- Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook. He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"
I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand. - So my girlfriend just told me that she needed velocity... Well, her exact words were "time and distance" but I knew what she meant.
- Yesterday I accidentally sent a n**... picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamp.
- A mathematician couldn't remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2. But he knew it was <3.
Share These Knew Jokes With Friends
Knew One Liners
Which knew one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with knew? I can suggest the ones about knowledge and knock know.
- I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels She didn't know I existed
- An average person loses virginity at the age of 17 I always knew I was above average
- Why was Kevin Spacey so good at Blackjack? He knew to hit on everything under 17
- At first there were only 25 letters in the alphabet. Nobody knew why.
- I knew a guy who fell into an industrial meat grinder He's fine now.
- I have a stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.
- I once knew a Muslim kid that was notoriously late for everything. I called him 9/12
- TIL back in the day there were only 25 letters in the alphabet. Nobody knew y.
- I once knew an arrogant sponge. he was very self absorbed.
- I knew she'd come crawling to me.. I mean, I DID steal her wheelchair
- My teacher asked me if I knew any anagrams of "denied". I said, "Indeed".
- My Mother in Law fell down a wishing well I was amazed. I never knew they worked.
- The fencer thought he knew what was about to happen but... ...his opponent feinted.
- Top 13 facts you NEVER knew about non-conductors. #7 won't shock you.
- Why did the Capitol police decide to use teargas? They knew nobody was wearing a mask!
Comical Knew Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about knew you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean unaware jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make knew pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely n**....
I'm not sure what scared him more. My n**... body or the fact I knew where he lived
I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"
I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
I was at the bar last night...
I was at the bar last night and had a few drinks. I knew it was unsafe to take my car home so I took a bus. This was really difficult for me; I've never driven a bus before.
I knew a guy who had an irrational fear of overly intricate clusters of commercial buildings.
He had a complex complex complex.
Tiger Woods playing golf.
Sorry if this is a repost, but I found this one quite funny.
Tiger Woods is practicing golf one day, surrounded by fans and media. While he's practicing, an amateur
golfer confidently walks up to him and challenges him to a match. Tiger knew he'd win, so he agrees thinking that it would be a fun break from serious practice. "OK," the amateur says, "Since I'm an amateur and you're a pro, you'll have to allow me two gotchas". Tiger didn't know what a gotchas is, but he didn't ask because he thought he'd win regardless of what handicap is placed on him. The fans and media leave the two alone so they can play in peace.
A few hours later, the two come out of the golf course and it turns out that Tiger Woods lost. The fans and media surrounded him wanting to know what happened. Tiger says, "I was starting the first hole, concentrating to tee off, you know, deep in thought. Right when I was about to drive the ball, he ran up from behind, grabbed my nuts and squeezed them tight while loudly screaming 'GOTCHA!!' can you imagine me trying to play eighteen holes waiting for the next gotcha?"
The two troublemakers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
My gay friend's had an 80's themes costume party.
I came dressed up as AIDS. Nobody really knew what I was at the start of the party, but by the end, everybody got it.
Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
I once knew a bald guy who liked to draw rabbits on his head
but from a distance they looked like hares
I went on a blind date and the girl gave me a honeycomb.
Knew right away she was a keeper.
Grandpa
Me: My grandpa knew the exact time, day and year he was going to die!
Teacher: What an evolved soul? How'd he know?
Me: The judge told him.
Friendship: Men vs. Women
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious husband called his wife's 10 best friends. none of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Swimming in the Ocean
I while back I was sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this guy in the ocean screaming "HELP SHARK, HELP!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There were two men who, between them, knew everything.
One says to the other, "You know, between the two of us, we know everything there is to know." The second says "Really? How do you figure that?" And the first says "Well, you know everything except that you're a d**... idiot, and I know that."
I saw a man struggling in the sea today shouting " Help, shark! Help!"
I just laughed because I knew the shark wouldn't help him.
Heard from my 10 year old cousin.
Why was the meeting for impotent men cancelled?
They knew no one would come.
5 year old cousin with this one: Who lives in the green house?
Me: I don't know
Her: The green guy! Who lives in the red house?
Me: The red guy
Her: Yes! Who lives in the blue house?
Me: The blue guy
Her: Yeah! Who lives in the yellow house?
Me: The yellow guy
Her: Who lives in the white house?
[Now since I've heard this "riddle" before, I knew the trick answer. I was ready to answer The President! when my uncle blurted out:]
The black guy!!
I asked my girlfriend if she could get me a newspaper
"Don`t be silly", she replied, "you can borrow my ipad".
That fly never knew what hit it.
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
The Artist
I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.
21st Century
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."
I can tell you, that friggin' fly never knew what hit it ...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I knew you'd come crawling back
the minute I stole your wheelchair
Death Joke
My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die.
Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?
The judge told him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Isis and the Christian man
An ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple.
ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.
ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.
Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."
"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked a group of women if they found r**... jokes funny. They all said "no!"
But deep down I knew they really meant "yes."
I made a huge mistake
I took my girlfriend to Subway, when she got her six inch sub, she looked at me and she instantly knew that I've been lying to her for years.
I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying
I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying "I'm out for dinner with my friend Emma" because Emma was lying beside me in bed
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.
A newbie at work asked me if I knew where the coloured printer was.
I said "It's 2016, Jamal, you can use any printer you want"
A husband leaves his money in the attic...
His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.
The husband replies, " So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."
A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. The wife says to herself, " I knew he should have put it in the basement."
I knew the psychic was a fraud
the second she accepted my check
A mother skunk had two kids that she named In and Out.
A mother skunk had two kids that she named In and Out. Whenever In was in, Out was out. And whenever In was out, Out was in.
One day Out was in but she couldn't find In anywhere. She looked everywhere for In; up, down, left, right, but she could not find In. Finally she asked Out to find In, and Out went right to where In was hiding. When the mother skunk asked Out how he knew where to find In, he replied
"Easy. Instinct."
I knew I was destined to be a psychologist not a magician...
...when I pulled a habit out of a rat.
I really wish I knew who kicked the jack under the car which I was working on..
.. the suspension is killing me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two spiders are at another spiders f**....
"Peter was the most gentle spider I ever knew. He wouldn't hurt a fly."
"Yeah, that's true. Do you know what he died from?"
"Starvation."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I greeted the mailman at the door n**...
He freaked out. Not so much because of my appearance, more because I knew where he lived.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her f**...
She'd be spinning in her ditch
This girl said she knew me from the vegetarian restaurant...
But I've never met herbivore!
There's a stereotype that Scottish men are bad at showing their emotions. This isn't true!
I once knew a Scot who loved his wife so much he almost told her!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The cake is a lie.
A little boy caught his mom and dad having s**.... After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?"
The mom quickly replied, "We were baking a cake."
A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake again?"
Surprised, she said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."
I was relaxing in a Jacuzzi when my wife pointed a finger at me and gave me a really angry look...
... I knew I was in hot water.
This is my step ladder...
I never knew my real ladder...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a prison break was happening...
And I happened to be walking around when it happened. It had a huge wall, and I saw someone climbing down from it. Turns out I knew the guy, he's a famous midget con artist that I ratted out. As he climbed down, he gave me this wretched look.
It was a little condescending.
Why was God such a savvy businessman?
He knew how to make prophets.
I once knew twins who were exactly alike except one was missing an eye
They were dentical twins
It was my first day at a new school.
When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.
I just fell victim to a dad joke
Dad: What do you get when you cross a tuna, a piano, and glue.
Me: I don't know?
Dad: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
Me: What about the glue?
Dad: I knew you would get stuck on that part.
A vegan, feminist and a famous rapper walk in a bar
I only knew because they told me 10 times.
I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was...
But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My doctor just asked me if I knew my s**... count
"Didn't realise they were that clever"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
WIFE: - "If I knew you were so poor, I would never have married you."
HUSBAND: - "But I warned you! I said you are everything I have!"
To make a fool love you, praise their intelligence...
...but you already knew that, because you're so intelligent.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw Santa Claus having s**... with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.
It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.
I wish I knew how to turn off my carbon monoxide alarm....
It's been going off for about fifteen minutes and the noise is making really dizzy and lightheaded.
I was bullied...
When I was a little kid this other kid in a wheelchair used to bully me but I couldn't do anything about it because I felt bad making fun of him. So for the rest of my life people knew me as the guy who "couldn't stand up for himself" and I think that's ironic considering it all.
Why was the T-Rex angry?
Because he was happy and he knew it...
I called my wife's phone using my best friend's phone. She answered with "Hey baby"...
She knew it was me before I even spoke. True love at it's finest.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend was bragging in a bar about having an o**... at school when he was younger.
It would have been pretty cool, but we knew he was homeschooled.
Friendship between men and women
Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.
I know a guy that knew his great-great-greatgrandfather
He stutters
A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver
The cop tells the driver "License please."
"What is a license?" the driver answers.
The cop replies "it goes in your wallet, has a picture of you on it..."
As the blonde driver digs through her purse, after a while she pulls an object out, looks at it for a second, smiles, says "Found it! Here you go officer!" and hands a mirror to the cop.
The cop takes off her aviators, looks in the mirror, rolls her eyes, and hands it back to the driver.
"If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over!"
Back in the day last name said something about your profession...
The Smiths would hammer away creating armor and weapons as blacksmiths. The Fishers would navigate the seas in search as fishermen. And The Dickinsons, well no one really knew what they did.
I was with a deaf girl who knew sign language, we were watching that movie where Johnny Depp has blades for fingers. I couldn't remember what that character was called so I sign to her, What's that character's name?
Edward, says her hands.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I never thought it was possible for clocks to have s**...
But when the time came, I finally knew
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
