Knees Jokes

Following is our collection of wittle puns and hip one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Knees jokes for adults, dirty knelt jokes and clean patella dad gags for kids.

The Best Knees Puns

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

My priest is surprisingly homophobic...

...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings".
That moment, the clouds parted and a beam of light came from above and touched the lion's heart. The lion raised his paws to the heavens and loudly prayed "Thank you Lord for this meal I'm about to receive."

PS: it was a beam of light.

PPS: 12 700 upvotes and 17 awards. Thank you so much. I haven't been this happy since Xmas.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.

The little boy said, Mom what are you doing?

She said, Son, your daddy's stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.

He said, Aw momma you're wasting your time because when you're not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!


I had my leg x-rayed today.

The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"
By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"
The doctor replied "披萨卷2.54披萨卷"

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies.

That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.

Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.

At first, it sounds like a great idea.

But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

The other night my wife and I had an argument, and by the end of it I had that woman on her knees!

She was saying, 'Come out from under the bed, you coward.'


Sometimes I tuck my knees up into my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

What's the nationality of someone with many knees?

Polynesian

The Lion with Christian feelings

Once upon a time... there was a missionary walking along the savannah when he suddenly encountered himself with a very hungry lion.

Scared to death, the missionary went down on knees and prayed "Oh dear Lord, please come down and give christian feelings to this poor criature".

After one second, the miracle occurred: the lion knelt down and prayed "Oh dear lord, bless this food you have provided me".

Golf is like urinating in a public toilet

- Keep your back straight

- knees bent.

- Feet shoulder width apart.

- Form a loose Grip

- keep your head down

- avoid a quick backswing

- stay out of the water

- try not to hit anybody

- if you taking too long you should let others go ahead of you

- you shouldn't stand directly in front of others

- be quite when others are about to go

- keep strokes to a minimum

Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo "Head and Shoulders"...

…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."

I used to have two kidneys

Now I have two adult knees

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.


Children are born with 4 kidneys.

Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.

Mickey Mouse "Doc, my knees hurt!"

Doctor: Which knee?

Mickey: Disney

A little girl walked into a pet shop and asked in the sweetest lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shop keeper's heart melted, he got down on his knees to her level, asking: "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like this cute widdle bwown wabbit over here?"
The little girl leaned forward and said: "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

Doctor: I'm terribly sorry, but your kidneys are failing.

Me: I can't believe this is happening.

Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son?

Me: ... I'll tell him.

[Later at home, sitting down with son]

Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.

The (wo)man of the house

Walking into the bar, Bob said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said John "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Bob replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chickenshit!!

Did you know humans are born with four kidneys?

Two of them grow into adult knees.

I was on a first date last night.

We were at a bar and when i looked at her i couldn't believe how beautiful she was. I started to go weak at the knees and sweat all over my forehead.

It was only then i realised, that i drugged the wrong drink.

How is God just like every other man?

If you're not on your knees, he's not interested.

A pastor goes hiking

as he comes around a corner on the trail he comes across a giant grizzly bear. The bear lets out a growl and is about to charge when the pastor falls on his knees and prays: "Lord, I pray that the bear would be a Christian." In an amazing miracle, the bear is converted instantly and stops where it is. It looks upwards and begins to give thanks: "Thank you Father, for the meal I am about to eat..."

There's a Russian gay couple...

One of them is called Vladislav, the other is called Karl. After happily loving each other for a fair few years, Karl discovers Vladislav is having an affair with Vladimir.

Devastated, Karl gets onto his knees in front of Vladislav and bellows:

"VLADISLAV? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!"

As I gazed into her eyes, my knees got weak and I could feel the butterflies in my stomach...

I knew right then and there, I poisoned the wrong glass.

Einstein, Newton & Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein starts counting "1...2...3..." and Pascal immediately runs away to hide. Instead of hiding Newton knees down and draws a square of one meter side length. Then he steps inside of it. Einstein finishes counting and turns around. He instantly yells "Newton I have found you!" But Newton replies: "No, what you see is one Newton over one square meter - so what you have found is one Pascal."

Wittle Wabbit

little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

Sometimes I squat on the floor and put my arms around my knees and lean forward

because that's how I roll

I told my parents that I lost my virginity.

Which they didn't take well, considering they're Catholics.

They sat me down and said, "You must beg to God for forgiveness."

So I got down on my knees and said, "God, I've done enough kneeling today, please forgive me!"

I met a beautiful girl in the park.

I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we were making love, I thought .... "These taser guns are well worth the money."

what are cows knees called?

burger joints

My grandpa would always tell me girls have two knees but guys have three

You have your left knee, right knee, and your WEEknee

A Christian man was getting chased by a bear in the woods

The man realized the bear was catching up, so the man got down on his knees and yelled "DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BEAR BECOME A CHRISTIAN SO THAT HE DOESN'T EAT ME" then the bear got down on his knees and said, "Dear God, thank you for this meal."

The best pick up advice I've ever been told is..

..always bend your knees.

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

My niece calls me ankle...

I call here knees

We are a joint family!

"Thank you Lord"

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

A cop is walking down the street and notices

A cop is walking down the street and notices a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. Can I help you? he asked.

The blonde woman replied, I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it.

The cop asked, Did you drop it right here?

No, responded the blonde, I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here.

911?

Husband: "Hello, Yes, there's this Hindu fellow who's been following my wife around for the past few hours, and it's starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees and he's... praying, or something."

911 Operator: "Sir, calm down, there's no issue here- Hindus are well known to worship cows."

A Shlep on the Beach

A woman is at the beach with her grandson when a huge wave suddenly washes the boy out to sea. Grief-stricken, she falls on her knees, looks up to the sky and implores: "Oh God, return my grandson to me and I'll give all my money to the synagogue and devote my life to prayer and good works!"

Suddenly, the clouds part, the sky clears and another wave washes the boy back on the beach, completely unharmed. Once again the woman looks up to the heavens and cries out:

"He had a hat!"

Mother superior is doing the orientation ...

of the new nun. The neighbourhood is rough and so she thought she would put some hypotheticals. "What would you do if you were walking alone at night and got cornered by a man on who demanded to have sex with you?"

"Well, I would ask him to drop his pants." replied the new nun coolly

Flabbergasted the Mother pressed "And what then?"

"Well, then I would hike up my habit above my knees." replied the nun, still calm.

Aghast at this the Mother could not but ask "And what then?"

"Well, I would start running. I can run a lot faster with my habit hiked up than the man whose trousers are at his ankles."

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already...

Woman: Did you just quote Eminem?

Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!

Guy walks into a bar and there's a gorilla sitting in the corner.

Guy says to the bartender, "What's with the gorilla?"

Bartender says, "I'll show ya." .

The bartender walks over with a baseball bat and smashes the gorilla right in the nose. The gorilla gets on his knees and gives the bartender a blow job.

Bartender says, "What do ya think?"

Guy says, "That's great."

Bartender asks, "You wanna try?"

Guy says, "Sure, but don't hit me so hard."

A man proposes.

A man goes down on his knees and proposes to her:

*Marry Me... and Make me the Happiest Man in the World*

Looking bewildered she replied:

**You want Both !!!??**

Got in a fight with my wife last night

Says one guy to his friend.
"Again", said the friend, "How did it end this time?"
"Well, she ended up on her knees, practically begging"
"Really, what did she say?"
"Get out from under the bed you coward"

What goes "Chest, Chest, Chest, Chest"?

A T Rex doing "Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes".

A boy is looking over a tall cliff...

A young boy is peering down a high cliff when an old man walks over. The old man says "Hey its dangerous up here, where are your parents?". The boy tearfully replies "my mom just fell off the cliff". The old man horrified asks "Where is your father?". This time the boy falls to his knees and cries "He fell trying to save her". The old man unzips his pants and says "Sorry kid, today just isn't your day".

Doctor, it hurts...

Says the patient with so much pain.

Patient: It hurts when I touch my head.
Doctor: \*Takes a look at the head\*, \*Does MRI\* Well, what else?

Patient: It hurts when I touch my shoulders.

Doctor: \*Takes shoulder x-ray\* Hmmm, is there anything else?

Patient: It hurts when I touch my knees too.

Doctor: \*Does that hammer thingy\* I see. I can conclude now.

Patient: What is it?

Doctor: Your finger is broken.

What's better than being up to your knees in beer?

Being up to your nuts in cider.

TIL when you're a child, you have 4 kidneys

Well, 2 kidneys and 2 kid knees.

My wife has really dry skin

My wife has really dry skin so I asked my doctor what I could do about it.
He said, "Give her a milk bath."
I said, "Pasteurized?"
The doctor replied, "No, just up to her knees will do."

Rapper Eminem has tested positive for COVID-19

In a statement released by doctors, it has been been revealed the following symptoms: his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Not to mention that there was vomit on his sweater already.

Initial testing suggests that the cause is: Mom's Spaghetti.

Doctor is examining a young women...

and says:

- Everything seems OK, but I am worried about those bruised knees and elbows.

- Oh, it's because of all the doggy style sex I have.

- Don't you know any other position?

- I do, but my doggy doesn't.

How can you tell which nurse is the head nurse?

She's the one with dirty knees.

My wife finally shaved her pubes

I can see her knees again.

TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys.

When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

A priest, jesus and Shaggy sitting in a drowning boat...

Jesus goes to his knees and prays. Stands up and walks over the Water to the coast.

Shaggy stands up and walks over the Water to the coast.

The priest prays on his knees stands up and tries to walk over the Water, but drowns.

On the coast jesus asks shaggy : "shouldn't we told him where the stones were"

"Like, which stones" shaggy answers...

what do you call a 9 year old african boy crying on his knees

Midlife crisis

I was walking in the park the other day, when

I suddenly saw the girl of my dreams. Our eyes locked and there was this instant spark between us and she instantly went weak at the knees and fell before me.

As we lay on the grass making love, I thought to myself. These stun guns are well worth the money.

I lost my kidneys when I turned 18

My knees are 100% adult now!

My dad called in and told this joke to win a corny joke contest in the 70's

What has two knees and swims in the ocean?

A Two-knee fish!.....

What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?

The "head" nurse.

A man was being chased in the woods by a lion who was going to eat him...

He ran his hardest, but the lion was advancing quickly. Just as it looked like the end for him, he decided on a last ditch effort. Being Catholic, he looked to the sky, dropped to his knees, and desperately prayed. "Lord!" he exclaimed. "Make this lion a Christian!" Instantly the lion pressed his paws together and prayed "For this meal in which I am about to partake..."

What's the difference between bucks and fawns?

Your mom won't get on her knees for five fawns

I don't know if you ever tuck your knees under your chin and lean forward as far as you can, but I do it all the time.

It's how I roll.

How do you know which nurse is the head nurse?

Look for the one with dirty knees.

My dad keeps quoting Far Cry 5. "The father is coming" he says...

Well i wish he would, I've been on my knees for 20 minutes now.

I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant was doing the safety announcement 'In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees" and a voice at the back of the plane shouted out..

" If I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand"....

A cowboy and a red Indian are walking through the desert...

After a short time the Indian stops the cowboy before dropping to his knees and placing his ear to the ground. Upon standing the Indian says firmly "Buffalo come"

"That's amazing" says the cowboy, "How can you tell that?"

The Indian replies...

"Sticky face"

Two older gentlemen were talking

One told the other "You know, I had my old lady on her hands and knees, begging " the other night.
His friend replies "How'd you accomplish that?"
He answered "Yeah, she was yelling 'Come out from under the bed and fight like a man!'

Why don't blondes pray in church?

When they are on their knees, their mouths are usually full.

I like to squat down, wrap my arms around my knees, and lean forward.

That's how I roll...

Some good advice on how to pick up girls

Bend at the knees and lift slowly. Avoid turning or twisting your body.

A cowboy is riding across the plains when he sees an Indian on his knees with his head on the ground.

The Indian looks up at him and says "Many buffalo come"
The Cowboy asks "Can you hear them?"
Then Indian says " No, ground sticky."

How do you spot the head nurse at the hospital?

She's the one with the dirty knees.

What is the nationality of someone with many knees?

Poly-knee-sian

There is an abundance of tolio jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 81 funniest jokes and knees puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any feet witze you can hear about knees.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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