Kneels Jokes
30 kneels jokes and hilarious kneels puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about kneels that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Kneels Short Jokes
Short kneels jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The kneels humour may include short kneeling jokes also.
- What do you call a person who kneels after the President makes inappropriate comments? Monica Lewinsky
- Kid in park (crying): "I don't know where my mom's gone to!" Me: "Oh no, that's terrible!"
Wife: :Talk to him."
Me: (kneeling) "Hey, kid, don't end a sentence with a preposition." - Sometimes I like to kneel on the floor, tuck my head into my chest, and lean forward. You might not like it, but that's just how I roll.
- Son: *crying* Santa isn't real! Me: of course he is!
Son: •sniffle• but I stayed up all night and he didn't come
Me: aw, buddy, •kneels down• he must really hate you then - I just don't understand why everyone is making such a big deal about Eminem kneeling at the Super Bowl… He literally said his knees were weak like 2 minutes earlier…
- Why did Colin Kaepernick take a knee before each NFL game? He never had the opportunity to kneel during games
- You're crouched over mike Tyson picking grass clippings off of his body You're doing the kneel, de-grass Tyson.
- In order to stop all the black lives matter protests Just play the national anthem on repeat, they will all sit down or kneel.
- What did renowned Little Shop of Horrors fan, Queen Elizabeth, say to Patrick Stewart at his knighting ceremony? Kneel, Patrick Stewart.
- What did the popular astrophysicist's father say to him after his cleat came undone at soccer practice? "Kneel in the grass and tie, son."
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Kneels One Liners
Which kneels one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with kneels? I can suggest the ones about knees and taking the knee.
- Why did eminem kneel at the half time show? His knees were weak, and arms were heavy.
- why do bank robbers make hostages kneel down? cause it's a fell-on-knee
- How can you tell you're in a gay church? Only half the congregation is kneeling.
- What idiot called it an engagement ring... When he could've called it a Kneel Diamond?
- What do you call an SEO expert who praises Google? "Kneel" Patel
- A man kneeled in protest as the hymn played... ...but no one at church seemed to mind.
- Fergie is so patriotic Even her voice kneeled for the National anthem.
- Hey baby, wanna play lion? OK. You go kneel right there and I'll throw you my meat.
- I kneel for the national anthem at home To protest Domestic Violence.
- I wasn't sure whether to stand or kneel... When they played the Russian National Anthem.
- Two guys walk into a bar. Why are they kneeling? It's a US flagpole.
- Why does everyone hate 7? Because 7 kneeled during the National Anthem.
- Why does a little Jewish kid kneel next to a chimney? He's waiting for his parents.
- Bus. What did the bus do when it was knighted?
It kneeled.
I'll show myself out. - Why did little johnny kneeled to propose to mary ? Because Mary *goes down* after that.
Playful Kneels Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about kneels you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bending over jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make kneels pranks.
A student comes to a young professor's office hours...
She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
"I know where babies come from."
After coming home from school and sitting down on the couch, young Jenny proudly proclaimed "Mommy, I know where babies come from!"
Imagining storks and unicorns, her Mom said "OK, then why don't you tell me Honey."
Jenny says "The Mommy and Daddy take off their clothes and start hugging, then the Daddy's thingy stands up, and the Mommy kneels down and cleans her teeth with it."
Mom says "That's sweet Honey, but that's not where babies come from, that's where jewelry comes from!"
A Very Nice Golfer
There are two men playing golf, at the end of the range you can see a f**... procession going by. As the hearse drives by followed by a few cars one man kneels down, takes off his hat and puts it over his heart, and says a prayer.
The man next to him says, "Well that's the nicest thing I've ever seen a golfer do!" The man stands up says "Well it's the least I could do, I was married to her for 35 years..."
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion!
4 Monks are being chased by a Hungry Lion. As they run, they cry out to God yelling, "PLEASE LORD! CONVERT THIS LION TO BE A CHRISTIAN LION!"
They run until they reach a dead end.
They hungry lion approaches slowly, as they cry out louder:
"PLEASE LORD HEAR OUR PRAYERS AND CONVERT HIM!"
They lion stops walking, and the monks praise God.
The lion kneels down, puts his paws together and says:
"Bless us, O Lord, and these, thy gifts, which we are about to receive through thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord, Amen."
A man goes to pray to a statue of an angel at his church
"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"
Then at least twice a day, if not more often, he goes to church, kneels for the statue and prays:
"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"
Then, after years of this, a miracle! The statue springs to life in an aura of light and heavenly music and then bends over, looks the man in the face and speaks:
"Please, please, PLEASE buy a lottery ticket!"
Kim Kardashian arrives in India for the first time, she walks out of the airport, and to her surprise, everyone on the streets stops, turns towards her, and kneels in humility and reverence
Little did she know, they worship cows over there!
f**... procession
Jim and Bob are playing golf when Jim notices the f**... procession go by on the highway. He kneels on one knee and takes off his golf cap as it goes by. After the procession is gone, Bob helps Jim up and pats him on the back, all while saying, That was so nice and thoughtful of you! Jim lines up his next shot and comments, I felt it was the right thing to do, after all we were married for 43 years.
John and his friend are playing golf when a f**... procession passes by on the road next to them. John kneels down and takes off his hat
Wow, John's friend says. That's very thoughtful of you.
Well, John responds, we *were* married for 35 years.
An old man goes to a church
He enters the confession box, kneels and says
"Father, I am 60 years old. I have been married for 35 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old. She was hot and gorgeous. I ravished her and she enjoyed every moment of it"
The priest said : "When was last time you had confessed to your sins?"
Man said: "Are you kidding? I am Jewish."
The miffed priest replied: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I don't know. I am telling everybody!"
THE DEACON'S LAST & FINAL WORDS
A deacon is in the hospital and his good friend, a preacher, goes to visit him.
The preacher notices all the medical equipment attached to the deacon. He kneels by the bed.
The deacon motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The preacher hands his friend the pad and pen, and the deacon begins to write. Suddenly, the deacon dies.
At his f**..., the preacher delivers the service. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."
The preacher pulls out the paper and reads, "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."
p**... is a poor Irish farmer...
He spends all day from dawn till dusk working his little farm to provide for his sick wife and 12 daughters.
Every night he kneels by the side of his bed and prays. 'Dear Lord, I'm a good catholic just trying to do right, please oh Lord could I win the lottery?'
For years and years p**... struggles on, ekeing a meagre existence from his tiny farm, attending church every sunday, nursing his sick wife and teaching his 12 daughters how to live moral lives.
And every night still, he kneels by the side of his bed and begs the lord to please let him win the lottery.
One night, he is kneeling and praying like usual, when suddenly the sky bursts into golden light, a glorious chorus of angels sing and winged cherubs strum harps as the lord himself appears to p**....
p**...,' Gods deep voice booms.
With tears streaming down his face and his arms stretched towards the sky, p**... shouts 'YES MY LORD!'
'BUY A TICKET.'
The realistic magician
A magician is winding down to the end of a performance, and in preparation for his final trick, he asks for a volunteer from the audience. A man comes up, and the magician says, "Okay, now I'm going to lay my head down on this block, and when I say 'abra-cadabra', I want you to s**... the side of my head with this sledgehammer." The magician kneels carefully, positions his head on the block, and says, "Abra-cadabra!" And the guy from the audience winds up and smacks him on the side of the head with the hammer. The magician crumples to the stage, unconscious, and goes into a deep coma.
Ten years later, he wakes up in the hospital, looks at the nurse, and says, "TA - DAA!!!"
The hungry man in church
A hungry man goes to church and kneels down altar and starts praying. He prays out loud "Lord, please give me food"..and *THWACK* a piece of meat drops before him. The guys was so pleased and happy, he took the meat and off he went.
The second day, he comes back, and prays "Lord, please give me my meal"...and THWACK*. Extremely pleased, the man went home.
He decides to try his luck yet again and gooes back to curch and starts to pray, but it hits him to be suspicious and while he was saying "Lord, please..." He looks up...and sees a l**... painting the ceiling.
A man goes to confession at his church
He kneels before the priest and says, "Father, I'm afraid to confess something."
"Speak, my son," the priest consoles. The man looks nervous, but begins.
"Last night, my wife and I were having dinner together for the first time in a while. At one point, right in the middle of the meal, I looked up and noticed how ravishing she looked in her dress. Our eyes locked and a spark flew between us that hasn't existed in years and I couldn't help myself: I just grabbed her and tore off her clothes and we made love right there on the table."
"There is no sin in being passionate with your wife, my son," the priest says. "You have nothing to confess."
The man looks surprised. "Really? You're not going to kick us out of the church?"
"Heavens, no! Why would I do that?"
"Well they kicked us out of the restaurant."
