The Best 77 Kitchen Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Kitchen jokes. There are some kitchen bedroom jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these kitchen pans puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Kitchen Jokes and Puns

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

Kitchen joke, I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."


A weather report for you

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

My girlfriend told me to move out as i am no help around the house.

So as i walked out i tightened the lids on all the jars in the kitchen.

Kitchen joke, My girlfriend told me to move out as i am no help around the house.

A married couple is lying in bed.

The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".

A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.

"What's wrong, dear?" He asks
Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger."
He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, "sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box."

Ba dum-tiss

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

Two old men are sitting on the porch,

their wives in the kitchen. One says to the other, "Bob you should try that restaurant we went to last night. Best food I've had in a long time."

"Yeah Joe? What was it called?" asked Bob.

"Well, I can't seem to remember...What is the name of that red flower, you know with the thorns on the stem?

"A Rose, I think you are thinking of."

"Your right, thanks....**HEY ROSE, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT RESTAURANT WE WENT TO LAST NIGHT?"**

You can explore kitchen stove reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean kitchen dinner dad jokes. There are also kitchen puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

"Dad, i'm a lesbian."

Confesses the daughter.

Her younger sister shouts from the kitchen "Me too dad."

"Goddammit" Exclaims the father. "Will one of you bring a man to this house!?"

"I will, Dad." Says the son from his room.

My girlfriend's sister invited me to have sex with her today...

My girlfriend's sister invited me to have sex with her today while we were waiting for my girlfriend to get home. I didn't say anything and started to walk to my car. As I opened the door, my girlfriend came out from the kitchen and hugged me with tears in her eyes as she told me that it was a test of loyalty and I had passed!

Moral of the story: keep your condoms in your car

How do you tell male flies from female flies?

After dinner a wife comes into the kitchen and sees her husband sitting at the dinner table with a fly swatter and asks what he is doing.

Husband: I'm killing flies. I already got two male flies and three females.

Wife: How do you know whether they are male or female.

Husband: Well, I got two on my beer and three on my wallet.

Why did the pig go into the kitchen?

He felt like bacon.

Kitchen joke, Why did the pig go into the kitchen?

It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker

Lately I've found my job, building kitchen work surfaces, to be counter productive.

When I was 5 I cried when I saw my mom cut up onions in the kitchen

I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.


A man's car breaks down outside a monastery.

The monks take him in and give him dinner--a fantastic dinner, of fish & chips. Best fish & chips he's ever had.

So he goes into the kitchen to compliment the chef. He says to one brother, "Excuse me, are you the fish friar?"

"No," he answers. "I'm the chip monk."

I searched in Google "How do I know if my wife is a witch".

You could've just asked me! - she yelled from the kitchen.

My room mates are concerned that I'm using their kitchen utensils...

...but that's a whisk i'm willing to take.

Women have eggs and milk in them...

And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.

Why girls don't have willys

Little brother came into the kitchen and declared "mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow"

Son: "Dad! My lsd is missing!"

Dad: "We have bigger problems son, there's a dragon in the kitchen."

A Blonde Tries To Solve A

A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"

A tree falls on a woman. Does it make a sound?

Idk. The better question is why is there a tree in the kitchen?

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

I went into the kitchen this morning and noticed the trash was leaking

Or crying as she calls it.

Wife and husband are in the living room.

She's doing stuff in her computer, while he's sitting on the couch typing on his phone.

At one point, wife's cellphone receives a message.

Her phone is charging in the kitchen, so she stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen.

At the kitchen, she looks up her phone and see's a text message from her husband.

"Well, since you're in the kitchen, might as well make me a sandwich."

I was told by a female friend that I was being sexist and should look at things from a woman's perspective more often

But I can't see very much from my kitchen window

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips...

"Are you the friar?" he asked.

The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils.

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

My wife and I had a huge argument because she accidentally flooded the kitchen

but we've sorted it now. It's all water under the fridge.

Grandma's Apple Pie

An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."

Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the funeral."

I like my women like i like my microwave

In the kitchen and ready to kill any baby i put inside them.

My roommate yells at me for stealing her kitchen utensils

But hey, it was a whisk I was willing to take.

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.

On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

I keep on taking kitchen utensils from my parents

My friends say I'll be in prison if I'm caught, but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

I woke up to find my wife lying unconscious on the kitchen floor..

At first I panicked, then remembered that McDonalds does all day breakfast.

A little boy with no arms wanted some chocolate

He walks into the kitchen and asks his mom,

"Mom, may I please have a piece of chocolate?"

"You know the rule: No arms, no chocolate." She replies.

As the boy begins to cry the mother says,

"Oh, I'm just kidding! Here, catch!"

My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married…

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…

I really hate men that says women belongs in the kitchen

How are they then supposed to clean the rest of the house?

Jokes that say women should stay in the kitchen are so offensive...

How else are they supposed to clean the rest of the house?

As a child,I always cried when my dad was cutting onions in the kitchen

Onions was a good dog :(

My boyfriend left me because of my anxiety issues...

Oh, wait. He just went to the kitchen to grab some coffee.

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...

...just to ask me what time it is.

A husband was sitting next to his wife while she was eating.

He heard his phone's message tone coming from the kitchen. He went to the kitchen and read a message from his wife saying "Please bring the salt on your way back."

What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck?

I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.

A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.

Doctor: How did this happen?

Patient: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

I'm not saying my house has too many books

But I just saw an orang-utan in the kitchen, looking for a banana.

What do you call a hand grenade that was thrown into a french kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart

My wife walks into the kitchen

Me: it sure is muggy outside

Wife: if you put all the mugs on the porch I'm leaving you

*Sips coffee out of bowl*

SMS

I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."

I got fired from my kitchen job for stealing cookware...

... it was a whisk I was willing to take.

I never thought I'd be shoplifting from a kitchen supply store

But that's a whisk I'm willing to take

"Mom, before I was born did you want a boy or a girl?"

"I wanted to pickup a fork that fell on the kitchen floor..."

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.

Today I'm putting a cockroach in the bathroom.

A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner

"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"

His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."

The man responds: "Well, I forgot her name like three years ago, so I give her nicknames to cover it up. But seriously don't tell her, amigo!"

So I was having sex with this woman...

I had her bent over her kitchen table, giving it to her good. When all of a sudden we heard a car door slam out front.

Oh god, she said, it's my husband. Quick, use the back door!

Well, I probably should have left at that point, but it's not an offer you get everyday...

What did Jim Carey say when his typewriter broke?

I'll writey then!


My girlfriend just came up with that on a juice run to the kitchen :\]

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."

My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents.

Before we went over, she let me know that her father, Dale, was in a car accident and had his legs amputated at the hips. Apparently, it was a sensitive issue, and I was not to mention it.

When we arrived, her dad greeted us at the door. Not seeing his wife anywhere, I said to him, Dale, it's great to meet you. Is your other half in the kitchen?

A woman woke up in the middle of the night and found that her husband wasn't there beside her.

She went downstairs and found him sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and looking thoughtful.

"Honey, what's wrong?, she asked.

He replied, "Well do you remember when we were dating?"

"Yes"

"And do you remember the first time we had sex?"

She smiled and answered, "Of course."

"And you remember how your Dad caught us."

She laughed and replied, "Oh god, yeah!"

"And since I was 18 and you were 17 how he threatened to send me to jail for twenty years if I didn't marry you?"

"Uh huh. What of it?", she asked.

He let out a sad sigh, "I would have gotten out today..."

A woman rings at neighbour's door. A man opens the door.

Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"

Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of paper."

The woman thanks the man and goes on to buy 16 stacks of paper. When she was finished with the kitchen she returns to the neighbour.

Woman:" well thanks again for the advice, I am done and the new kitchen looks awesome! I am just wondering, I still have 6 stacks of paper left...?"

Man:"Yeah, me too."

What do you call men who make "Women belong in the kitchen" jokes?

Single.

My husband asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.

I had to get a running start but I made it

My dad said he'll kick me out for stealing from his kitchen

Well that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Why does the queen have much more mobility than the king in chess?

Because the board looks like a kitchen floor.

With the boredom of lock-down.

My Wife and I have pinned a map up in the kitchen.

We have one dart each, wherever the dart lands

on the map is our destination for our vacation next

year, turns out, we are going to behind the fridge..

My wife went to work and left her phone at home.

I found it on the kitchen table.

I tried to call and tell her, but she didn't answer.

What's worse is someone kept calling.

Wait 'til I find out who Honey is.

All this WFH time has led to a surprising discovery: I do my best work in the kitchen.

I'm counterproductive.

3 housewifes got fed up of cooking

so the 3 wives ( a british , a french and a russian ) decided not to cook for 3 days

at the end of the three days, they met again

the british said " the first day I didn't see anything new, the second day he went to the kitchen and started cooking"

the french said " the first day I didn't see anything, the second day he took me to a restaurant "

the Russian said " the first day I didn't see anything, the second day I didn't see anything either but the third day I could see a little bit with my left eye"

I need to beat some eggs. Will need to borrow one of my wife's kitchen utensils (she hates that)

A whisk I'm willing to take

Make Love To Me

A woman is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. Her husband walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me, this very moment." His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives her his all, right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she says, "Thanks." Then she returns to the stove. Puzzled at her casual demeanor after such an unusual event, he asks, "What was that all about?" She explains; "The egg timer's broken."

A couple goes to therapy

A couple goes to therapy to discuss their issues.

The therapist asks. So, why are we here today?

The husband quickly try to explain.

So what happened was, that I was cleaning up in the kitchen, while putting something away I spilled a bunch of dried herbs all over the place. My wife then yells for help with folding the sheets in the bedroom and I simply replied.

"I can't right now, I have too much thyme on my hands"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the kitchen husband jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working kitchen downstairs piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes