Kitchen Jokes

187 kitchen jokes and hilarious kitchen puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about kitchen that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Do you know any kitchen jokes? Have a laugh over funny jokes and puns featuring kitchen appliances, sink, knife, cabinet, and other utensils! A great way to bring some humour to the kitchen and beyond, from the stove to the bathroom and your bed.

Quick Jump To

Short Kitchen Jokes
Kitchen One Liners
Wife Kitchen Jokes
Wife In The Kitchen Jokes
Get In The Kitchen Jokes
Woman In The Kitchen Jokes
Kitchen Sink Jokes
More Kitchen Jokes

Funniest Kitchen Short Jokes

Short kitchen jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The kitchen humour may include short dining room jokes also.

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils... But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips... "Are you the friar?" he asked.
The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."
My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils. But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
I can't stand my wife's ideas for our kitchen redesign And I'm not convinced by her counterarguments.
What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck? I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.
It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub... ...just to ask me what time it is.
Why girls don't have willys Little brother came into the kitchen and declared "mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow"
My wife walks into the kitchen Me: it sure is muggy outside
Wife: if you put all the mugs on the porch I'm leaving you
*Sips coffee out of bowl*
My boyfriend left me because of my anxiety issues... Oh, wait. He just went to the kitchen to grab some coffee.

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Kitchen One Liners

Which kitchen one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with kitchen? I can suggest the ones about bathroom and cooking.

Women have eggs and milk in them... And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.
If Gay people come out of the closet, who comes out of the kitchen? Pansexuals.
What do you call men who make "women belong in the kitchen" jokes? Single.
Lately I've found my job, building kitchen work surface, to be counter productive.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
What is Pac-Man's favorite cooking utensil? A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok
"You've got a kitchen counter at home, right?" "Yes?"
"How many kitchens do you have?!"
Which kitchen appliance do surfers dislike most? The micro wave.
I asked my wife for breakfast in bed... She told me to sleep in the kitchen.
Why the dwarves surf in the kitchen? Because it has microwaves
Why did Sean Connery hire a special kid to clean his kitchen? He had Dish-abilities
How many Mexicans do you need working in the kitchen? Just Juan.
My wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
What do you get if you throw a grenade in a French kitchen? Linoleum Blownapart
I stole some tools from my last kitchen job... It was a whisk I was willing to take.

Wife Kitchen Jokes

Here is a list of funny wife kitchen jokes and even better wife kitchen puns that will make you laugh with friends.

My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married… She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…
My wife and I had a huge argument because she accidentally flooded the kitchen but we've sorted it now. It's all water under the fridge.
I woke up to find my wife lying unconscious on the kitchen floor.. At first I panicked, then remembered that mcdonalds does all day breakfast.
My wife and I are going with Granite countertops for our new kitchen. I don't even like the look of Granite all that much but honestly I just couldn't think of a counter-argument.
I searched in Google "How do I know if my wife is a witch". You could've just asked me! - she yelled from the kitchen.
My wife said we each needed to make sacrifices to make our relationship work. She was less than impressed with the dead goat I left in our kitchen.
Husband: Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen:Wife: I am coming with the broom. Husband: It isn't urgent. You can come on foot
A wife says to her husband.... "I want you to whishper dirty things in me ear,,
to which the husband replies:
"Kitchen,bathroom,livingroom"...
My wife was so sick today that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make me some breakfast.
If a man runs over his wife, who's fault is it? The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?

Wife In The Kitchen Jokes

Here is a list of funny wife in the kitchen jokes and even better wife in the kitchen puns that will make you laugh with friends.

For Father's Day my wife and kid made me breakfast in bed I'd have preferred they made it in the kitchen but it's the thought that counts
I kept my wife at home in the kitchen all day today, baking I hope the police don't look in the oven
A man screams at his TV, "No, you idiot! Don't walk into the chapel!" "Horror movie?" his wife asks from the kitchen.
"No," he replies, "Our wedding video."
My wife and I were doing the naughty and she says Say dirty things to me Bath, kitchen, living room…
I need to beat some eggs. Will need to borrow one of my wife's kitchen utensils (she hates that) A whisk I'm willing to take
My wife wants to replace our kitchen countertops with Quartzsite I told her I was afraid the kids would take it for granite
What kitchen appliance is most likely to start a fire? A wife
My wife told me to stop stealing kitchen utensils. I ignored her. It's a whisk I'm willing to take.
My wife is frustrated that I'm not making enough progress on our kitchen remodel, noting the granite has been in for over two months… I told her that I didn't like being counter-productive.
This snow is really bad here, it has been snowing since Friday, all my wife has done is stare through the kitchen window. If it gets any worse I might have to let her in.

Kitchen joke, This snow is really bad here, it has been snowing since Friday, all my wife has done is stare throug

Get In The Kitchen Jokes

Here is a list of funny get in the kitchen jokes and even better get in the kitchen puns that will make you laugh with friends.

My husband asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start but I made it
My Husband is pretty good in the kitchen But I get less of a backache in bed
What do you get when you hand a Frenchman a live grenade and then shove him into a kitchen? Linoleum Blownaparte
I was stealing kitchen utensils last night... And I barely made it out without getting caught. But it was a whisk I was willing to take.
Woman gets hit by a car... How'd the car get into the kitchen?
Have you heard men get hit by lightning 6x more often than women? The kitchen must be a very safe place
Gordon Ramsay The only guy who tells girls to get out of the kitchen
What do you get when you cross Australia with a kitchen appliance? A frigeridoo
What is it called when kitchen appliances get together for a meeting? A cabinet.
My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.

Woman In The Kitchen Jokes

Here is a list of funny woman in the kitchen jokes and even better woman in the kitchen puns that will make you laugh with friends.

I was told by a female friend that I was being sexist and should look at things from a woman's perspective more often But I can't see very much from my kitchen window
A tree falls on a woman. Does it make a sound? Idk. The better question is why is there a tree in the kitchen?
A man runs over a woman in his car. Who's fault is it? The man's, he shouldn't drive in the kitchen.
Please say dirty things Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"

Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
If men have man caves, why dont women have woman caves? They do, we just universally named it the kitchen many years ago.
A man driving a car crashed into a woman. Who's fault was it? The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?
A man hits a woman with his car. Who is at fault? The man, because he should never be driving in the kitchen.
A truck driver runs over a woman. Whose fault is it? The truck driver's, he was driving through her kitchen.
A man driving a truck hits a woman who's fault is it? The mans, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen
To anyone thinking that a womans place is the kitchen Remember that's where the knives are kept.

Kitchen Sink Jokes

Here is a list of funny kitchen sink jokes and even better kitchen sink puns that will make you laugh with friends.

There's a kitchen appliance knocking at my door… I'll let that sink in.
Why do Crusaders need kitchen sinks? To wash their Saladin.
My wife wasn't too happy when I mentioned that our limited budget meant deciding between improving the kitchen plumbing or replacing the pool pump. Its either sink or swim.
Hey neighbour, the plumber is outside with your new kitchen basin, waiting for you to open the door. Let that sink in.
I ordered a new kitchen sink and by golly that thing grew legs and knocked on my door. Let that sink in.
Where is the safest place to be on a capsizing ship? (Worst joke ever) The Galley!
Everything but the kitchen sinks.
^(I warned you)
People often leave their kitchen basin outside in winter.. Let that sink in.!
I used my opposite hand with the kitchen sink sprayer hose felt like someone else was doing the dishes
A man's house fell into the ocean and was almost completely submerged. He watched everything but the kitchen sink.
Life is all about perspective The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle!..to the lobsters...in the ships kitchen.

Kitchen joke, Life is all about perspective

Comical Kitchen Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter

What funny jokes about kitchen you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cuisine jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make kitchen pranks.

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

I was b... this h... on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the b**...!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are s**...?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're s**.... Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."

A weather report for you

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Memory Lane...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

An older couple is watching tv...

And the man stands up and says, "I'm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?"
His wife answers, "yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkes."
The man starts to leave, when his wife says, "Honey, are you sure you don't want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember."
"no, no, I'm sure I'll remember what you asked for."
A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.
His wife says, "well, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!"

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband...

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?", she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh, Killing any?" she asked.
"Yup. 3 males. 2 females" He responded.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on the beer can, and 2 were on the phone"
*Incredible*

The girl I met last week said she wanted a guy who was "funny and spontaneous"

I showed up at her kitchen window late at night wearing a clown suit and suddenly it's all panic and screaming...

My girlfriend told me to move out as i am no help around the house.

So as i walked out i tightened the lids on all the jars in the kitchen.

A Jehovah's Witness Came By Yesterday

A Jehovah's Witnesses knocked on my door yesterday, so I answered it and asked if he wanted to come in he said, "Yeah, okay."
I said I've put on a p**... of coffee, do you want some? He said, "Yeah, sure."
I said I've just made some toast do you want a slice? He said, "Yeah, why not."
I then motioned toward the kitchen table and we both sat down. We sat and looked at each other awkwardly for a moment. Then I asked him, "So what now?" He said, "I don't know I've never got this far before..."

A married couple is lying in bed.

The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".

A husband comes home to find his beautiful blonde wife sitting at the kitchen table in tears.

"What's wrong, dear?" He asks
Through her tears she says, "well, I've been trying to put this puzzle together all day and I just can't seem to figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger."
He looks at her and in his most sympathetic voice says, "sweetheart, put the frosted flakes back in the box."
Ba dum-tiss

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.
"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.
"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

Two old men are sitting on the porch,

their wives in the kitchen. One says to the other, "Bob you should try that restaurant we went to last night. Best food I've had in a long time."
"Yeah Joe? What was it called?" asked Bob.
"Well, I can't seem to remember...What is the name of that red flower, you know with the thorns on the stem?
"A Rose, I think you are thinking of."
"Your right, thanks....**HEY ROSE, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT RESTAURANT WE WENT TO LAST NIGHT?"**

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

"Dad, i'm a lesbian."

Confesses the daughter.
Her younger sister shouts from the kitchen "Me too dad."
"g**..." Exclaims the father. "Will one of you bring a man to this house!?"
"I will, Dad." Says the son from his room.

A Jew is on his deathbed.

Summoning his last strength, he says: "Is my wife Sarah here with me?" And she says "Yes, I am here." He then says :"Are my children here with me?" And they reply "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he smiles and says:"Is my father and siblings here with me?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the Jew lays quietly for a while and replies "Then who is the light on for in the kitchen?"

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like p**.... "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.
"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like p**.... I don't like it," he says.
The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."

A mexican boy with the desire to be white

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face.
He says, "Mom, look, I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father."
He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look Dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother."
The boy goes into his grandmother's room and say, "Mira la Abuela, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says, "See, did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!"

A young black boy walks int to kitchen ...

There he dumps a pound of flour on himself, he goes to his mother and says, " look! I'm a white boy!" His mother slaps him in the mouth and says, "go tell your Father what you jst said!" The boy goes to his fAther and says, " look! I'm a white boy!" His father takes him over his leg and spanks him hard. Then the father asked," okay son , now what have you learned?" The looks at him and says," I've only been a white boy for 8 minutes now an I already hate you black people!"

My girlfriend's sister invited me to have s**... with her today...

My girlfriend's sister invited me to have s**... with her today while we were waiting for my girlfriend to get home. I didn't say anything and started to walk to my car. As I opened the door, my girlfriend came out from the kitchen and hugged me with tears in her eyes as she told me that it was a test of loyalty and I had passed!
Moral of the story: keep your condoms in your car

How do you tell male flies from female flies?

After dinner a wife comes into the kitchen and sees her husband sitting at the dinner table with a fly swatter and asks what he is doing.
Husband: I'm killing flies. I already got two male flies and three females.
Wife: How do you know whether they are male or female.
Husband: Well, I got two on my beer and three on my wallet.

The wife

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Egg timer

It may be i**... to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?

I'm a whisk taker

r**... boy meets his dream girl!

A young boy comes home to his father one day after school.
"Dad, I met the most INCREDIBLE girl in the world today. She's smart, she's beautiful, AND she's funny."
Dad pats his son on the back and walks him into the kitchen, "That's great, son. I'm proud of you for finding someone you like so much."
"That's not the best part, Dad. She's a v**...."
At this point the father slams his hand down on the counter, "I forbid this relationship, son. I never want you to see this girl again. And if I find out you do, I'm going to give you the biggest whooping you ever had."
Tears stream down the son's face, "But, Dad, WHY? She's amazing and she likes me!"
"Well, son. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

When I was 5 I cried when I saw my mom cut up onions in the kitchen

I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.

The Dying Man and the Cookies

An old man was on his death bed and had less than a day to live. As he lay there reflecting on his life, he smelled his favorite cookies in the kitchen. So using his last bit of will and effort, he dragged himself out of bed and crawled to the kitchen for a cookie. He sat down at the table and reached for one when his wife popped his hand with a wooden spoon: "Don't touch it! Those are for your f**...!"

A man is sobbing into his beer...

It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.
The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."
"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit drinking."
"No man, I blew chunks in the kitchen, I blew chunks on the stairs, I blew chunks in the bathroom, I blew chunks EVERYWHERE."
"I'd hate to agree with your roommate, seeing as how that means less business for me, but maybe he's got a point. That's an awful lot of v**... to have to mop up..."
"No, no, you don't understand," The man sobbed, "Chunks is my Dog."

Husband: Guests are coming tonight.

What's for dinner?
Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.
Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . Then again drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we only left with green beans."
*Guest arrives*
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.
* loud sound comes from the kitchen *
Wife: Everything alright, honey?
Husband: Sh**t. I dropped the beans.

While playing in the backyard, Johnny kills a honeybee

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?

A blonde walks up to her blonde mom...

and asks,
"Mom, why does everyone think we are s**...?"
Her mum chuckles and says
"Bring me a p**..."
A bit confused, the daughter goes and grabs a p**... from the kitchen and hands it to her mom. Soon after the mother starts knocking on the p**....
The daughter turns to the door and says,
"Mom! Someone is at the door!"
The mom chuckles and says,
"See, this is why people think Blondes are s**......
now hold this p**... so I can go answer the door."
*Edit* Changed gender of daughter back, sorry tumblr.

A man's car breaks down outside a monastery.

The monks take him in and give him dinner--a fantastic dinner, of fish & chips. Best fish & chips he's ever had.
So he goes into the kitchen to compliment the chef. He says to one brother, "Excuse me, are you the fish friar?"
"No," he answers. "I'm the chip monk."

The Lawyer and the Mexican

A lawyer and a Mexican live next to eachother in the most cookie-cutter neighborhood you can imagine.
One day, they're both mowing the frontlawn. The Mexican says:
"You know, my house is worth more than yours."
The lawyer is confused. He responds:
"How? Our houses are identical. Did you renovate the interior?"
"No."
"Did you modernize the kitchen or the bathroom?"
"I didn't."
"Then how can your house be worth more than mine?!", the lawyer cries.
"Well, I live next to a lawyer, and you live next to a Mexican."

My room mates are concerned that I'm using their kitchen utensils...

...but that's a whisk i'm willing to take.

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.
She yells down the stairs, Was I getting in or out of the bath?
The 94-year-old yells back, I don't know.
I'll come up and see. She starts up the stairs and pauses.
Then she yells out, Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, I sure hope I never get that forgetful.
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then replies, I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.

Son: "Dad! My l**... is missing!"

Dad: "We have bigger problems son, there's a dragon in the kitchen."

A Blonde Tries To Solve A

A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

A Mexican lying on his death bed

The sick Mexican was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his wife's tamales.
With every last bit of energy left in his body, the sick Mexican pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. He saw that his wife was removing a fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife smacked him in with a wooden spoon.
"Leave them alone, c**..., they're for the f**...."

I went into the kitchen this morning and noticed the trash was leaking

Or crying as she calls it.

Wife and husband are in the living room.

She's doing stuff in her computer, while he's sitting on the couch typing on his phone.
At one point, wife's cellphone receives a message.
Her phone is charging in the kitchen, so she stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen.
At the kitchen, she looks up her phone and see's a text message from her husband.
"Well, since you're in the kitchen, might as well make me a sandwich."

Grandma's Apple Pie

An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the f**...."

I like my women like i like my microwave

In the kitchen and ready to kill any baby i put inside them.

My roommate yells at me for stealing her kitchen utensils

But hey, it was a whisk I was willing to take.

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.

On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my...

Rameses kitchen nightmares.

I keep on taking kitchen utensils from my parents

My friends say I'll be in prison if I'm caught, but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

A little boy with no arms wanted some chocolate

He walks into the kitchen and asks his mom,
"Mom, may I please have a piece of chocolate?"
"You know the rule: No arms, no chocolate." She replies.
As the boy begins to cry the mother says,
"Oh, I'm just kidding! Here, catch!"

I really hate men that says women belongs in the kitchen

How are they then supposed to clean the rest of the house?

Jokes that say women should stay in the kitchen are so offensive...

How else are they supposed to clean the rest of the house?

As a child,I always cried when my dad was cutting onions in the kitchen

Onions was a good dog :(

My friends hate it when I steal their kitchen utensils...

but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door.

I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. "What's your secret?". If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

A husband was sitting next to his wife while she was eating.

He heard his phone's message tone coming from the kitchen. He went to the kitchen and read a message from his wife saying "Please bring the salt on your way back."

A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.

Doctor: How did this happen?
Patient: I was b**... my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

I'm not saying my house has too many books

But I just saw an orang-utan in the kitchen, looking for a banana.

What do you call a hand grenade that was thrown into a french kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart

SMS

I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."

I got fired from my kitchen job for stealing cookware...

... it was a whisk I was willing to take.

I never thought I'd be shoplifting from a kitchen supply store

But that's a whisk I'm willing to take

"Mom, before I was born did you want a boy or a girl?"

"I wanted to pickup a fork that fell on the kitchen floor..."