Kissing Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said let's take this upstairs

Ok I said You grab one end and I'll grab the other

A Michael Sam joke

After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it's the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams. - Conan O'brien

The problem with kissing a perfect 10

Is how cold the mirror feels on your lips.

Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: He-he, sure baby.

Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

A girl takes a black guy home.

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.

They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"

To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.

I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck

...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer

I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife. Get your lips off my wife,

I snapped pulling him off her. But sir, I'm not kissing her! He pleaded. She's stopped breathing.


Do I need to repeat myself?

The problem with kissing a perfect 10 is that

Sometimes it's cold when your lips touch the mirror

Study reveals 20% of men kiss wife goodbye when they leave the house. 80% of men kiss house goodbye when they leave their wife.

Conclusion. Want to keep your house, start kissing your wife.

A husband and wife see two people kissing.

The wife says, He kisses her every time she comes home from work. Why can't you do that?

The husband says, I would love to, but I don't know her well enough.

A man is kissing a tractor

A man is kissing and hugging a tractor
Another man goes up to him and says "what on earth are you doing to this tractor" the man replies explaining that him and his wife are having some marriage problems so a friend said that he should do some sexy thing to a tractor. (Attract her)

First time posting ever, sorry for any mistakes.

Have you heard the disease you get from kissing birds?

It's called Chirpes.

It's a canerial disease.

It's untweetable.

Little Johnny and his ball.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."

Bring me back a nice Italian girl

A man is dropping off his wife, who's being sent on a business trip to Italy, at the airport. Before saying his goodbyes, he quips "Now be sure to bring me back a nice Italian girl." A week later, he's back at the airport to pick her up. After kissing her hello, he says "So did you get me that nice Italian girl?" to which the wife responds "Well I did my best, but we're going to have to wait 9 months to find out if it's a girl."

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.

I saw two lesbians kissing in the park.

"There's a time and a place for that," I told my wife.

She said, "Yeah..."

I said, "It's 9pm and my house."

The only problem with kissing a perfect 10...

knowing that she has 8 more years until you can tell anyone about it.

My wife got mad after telling this story.

You can make yours mad too. And this is the story:


I got on this bus on my way home from work. I noticed this young boy and girl on the far end. First it was the usual kissing. Then the girl got touchy, what baffles me is it seems to be normal to others. Then the unthinkable happened, the girl pulled her shirt up and showed a breast. The boy sucked it immediately. I can tell, the girl's on her early 20's. The boy? Around 6 months.

A Frenchman, Englishman and a woman on a plane.

There was an Englishman, a Frenchman and a woman sitting together on a plane.

The pilot made an apologetic announcement that the passenger lighting was faulty and may go out for periods of time during their journey.

Right on cue, the lights went out and it was completely dark.
Then there was a kissing sound, followed by the sound of a really loud *SLAP*.

When the lights came back on, the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Frenchman had a nasty red slap mark on his face.

The Frenchman was thinking: "The English fella must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead."

The woman was thinking: "The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the English fella and got slapped for it."

The English guy was thinking: "This is great. The next time the power goes out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French guy again."

So... this young guy is walking through a park,

So... this young guy is walking through a park, when he comes across an old guy sitting on a park bench, crying. The young guy says "Sir, sir, I see you're crying, what's wrong?"

The old guy says "I was sitting here a week ago when this young, beautiful woman came up to me, we started talking and we really liked each other." The young guy says "That's terrific, that's fantastic, what's wrong?"

The old guy says "We started kissing and we couldn't keep our hands off each other." The young guy says "That's terrific, that's fantastic, what's wrong?" The old guy says "She came back to my place, moved in with me, and now all she wants to do is make love to me 24 hours a day."

The young guy says "That's terrific, that's fantastic, what's wrong?" The old guy says "I can't remember where I live."

When I was in kindergarten...

I met a really beautiful girl. We really liked each other. We were constantly kissing and holding hands, even showed our private parts, until one day the teacher came and caught us, needless to say, I got fired.

A mailman knocks on the door to deliver a package on christmas eve

and a beautiful woman opens the door wearing lingere.

The woman pulls the mailman inside and begins kissing him and removing his clothes.

Confused but enjoying the situation the mailman lets the woman continue and have sex with him.

Afterwards the mailman puts his clothes back on and the woman hands him a single dollar. Confused he asks "what's the dollar for?".

The woman says "well I asked my husband what we should get the mailman for christmas and he said 'screw him, give him a dollar'".

Little Johnny At The Park

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Adam is lonely...

So God creates Eve. God orders Adam to reproduce with Eve. "How?," Adam asks. "First, you must hug and caress Eve." Adam asks "God, what is hugging and caressing?" And God explains.

"I liked hugging and carressing, what's next?" Adam asks. "Next you must kiss Eve," God answers. "What is 'Kiss'?" Adam asks, and God explains.

"I liked kissing Eve, what's next?" God answers, "Next, you must lay with Eve and make love to her." Adam asks, "What is making love?" And so God explains.

Next day, Adam asks in a frustrated tone, "God... What is a *headache?*"

A handsome black guy picks up a woman at the bar

They leave and go back to the woman's place for some drinks and soon things start to get hot and heavy. They start making out and as the black guy is kissing her neck she suddenly shouts out in pleasure, "SHOW ME THAT IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT BLACK MEN!"

So he stabs her and runs off with her purse.

Magician!

A 18-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.
Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."
So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.
She asked him, "What will our baby be called?"
The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again; a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?"
He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.
"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.
He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.
After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Blaine!

100K people are having sex right now.

75,000 are kissing

50,000 are hugging

And you? Well, you're reading this.

^(Trust me, I'm not happy about this either)

A wife complains to her husband...

A wife complains to her husband: Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her … Why can't you do the same?

Are you mad? I barely know the woman!

Did you hear about the priest who got caught kissing a nun?

He was let off with a warning not to get into the habit.

Danny and Kathy sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage...

Then comes watching your child slowly die because you were too upper middle class to vaccinate them.

On a bench, in the park, two lovers

are kissing passionately. At some point another man sits down next to them and starts staring at the woman.
Eventually, her partner gets fed up by the staring and tells the other man:
- I haven't seen such insolence in my whole life!
- I'm sorry, I did not mean to disturb you, but I need to ask my wife to give me keys to the house.

My wife got really mad when she found me kissing her twin during a drunken dance at a wedding.

He is not too thrilled about it either.

There's no easy well to tell your girlfriend that she has bad breath.

I think I'm just going to stop kissing your girlfriend.

A woman asks a man "Do you like The Pussycat Dolls?"

A woman is in a bar and sees a man she is attracted to so she tries to start a conversation with him, she isn't good at pick up lines so she tries to think of something she can ask him.

A Pussycat Dolls song is playing so she thinks to herself that she should ask this man if he likes the pussycat dolls.

She asks "Do you like the pussycat..."

The man out of nowhere starts kissing her and doesn't let her finish her sentence. He then takes her to his place and they do it.

After they're done she asks him "This is what I wanted, but how did you know that I wanted this?"


He asks "How did you know that my name was Cat?"

A wife complains to her husband

Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can't you do the same?

Are you mad? I barely know the woman!

A girl, her grandma, a guy and his boss share a compartment in a train.

From the beginning of the journey it's pretty obvious that the girl and guy like each other.

Once when the train passes through a tunnel and plunged into darkness a kissing sound and slap is heard.

When the train comes out into light, the old woman thinks, "It was daring of that guy to kiss my grandchild, but it was rightful of her to slap him".

The boss thinks, "The guy is brave to try such a thing, but I wish she hadn't mistook me for him".

The girl thinks "Wow the guy is a brave one, but I wish my grandma didn't have to slap him".

While the guy thinks, "This has to be my luckiest day. I get to kiss a girl and slap my boss".

What's the worst part about making out with a perfect 10?

The cold feeling on your lips when you realize you're kissing the mirror

I hate seeing babies are kissing eachother.

It's like, get a womb.

Kissing is like peeing your pants

Everyone can see it but only you can feel the heat

Do you ever wake up kissing the person next to you just thankful to be alive?

Apparently I do and I'm now banned from flying.

A boy was walking down the street when he saw a man further down slumped over his car...

As the boy came closer he realised the man wasn't slumped over the car, he was hugging and kissing it, all while bawling tears.

"What's wrong?" Asked the boy, "Is your wife making you sell the car?"

"No," answers the man. "She just got her license."

My dads favorite

When you're kissing with your honey
and your nose is kinda runny
you may think its kinda funny
but it's not

If you're kissing on your honey and your nose is sort of runny,

you make think it's funny, but it snot.

A convict imprisoned for 1st degree murder escaped from prison.

On the run, he broke into a young couple's house and tied each of them up on opposite sides of the room. He went over to the wife and bent over beside her, appearing to be kissing her neck. He suddenly got up and left the room. Quickly, the husband rushed to his wife and whispered, "This guy probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck and he probably wants to have sex with you. Just cooperate with him and pretend to enjoy it because our lives depend on it. Be strong and I love you."
His wife whispers back, "You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck...he was whispering in my ear. He thinks that you're really cute and asked if there was any lube in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you too."

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex (i.e. right now);

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing;

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex;

FACT: A few less fortunate are reading emails & web postings;

You hang in there!

I got arrested for staring at two women kissing on the train.

That's the last time I'll be taking my laptop.

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary and he shouted at him...

Boss - "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager - "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

a drive in the country

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. What's the matter? asks the guy. She replies, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex. The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex. After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver's seat looking out the window. Why aren't we going anywhere? asks the girl. Well, I should have mentioned this before, replies the man, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50

A couple were french kissing

A couple were french kissing, then the guy looks at the girl and says " I think I swallowed your gum"
Nah, says the girl, I just have a cold.

A steed was having sex with a fox

The steed was pumping and carassing, neighing and kissing yet 45 minutes in the fox was still laying there, not moving an inch.

Fed up with the lack of respobse the horse sneers and says: i do all the work and all you do is lay there. Do something so I know you're enjoying it too.

The fox answers: Well if you'd pull out a bit maybe i could twitch my neck.

You know that amazing feeling you get after kissing a woman?

of course you don't.

Kissing lead to foreplay...

She liked it when I used one finger,

She: "Now use two fingers"

Me: "Yeah you like that?"

She: "Now stick your hand in..."

Me: "Oh babe, you're kinky"

She: "Two hands now..."

Me: 😦"okay...."

She: "Now clap...

Me: "I can't..."

She: 😏 "I'm tight, right?"

Yesterday, I saw two fetus's kissing each other in a corner.

I said to them " you two, go get a womb."



Credit goes to a friend of mine for this dad joke lol.

What are the funniest kissing jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Kissing? Well, here are the best Kissing puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Kissing pick up lines to share with friends.

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