Comical Kiss Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered,
"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
After kissing a g**... her sofa she said let's take this upstairs
Ok I said You grab one end and I'll grab the other
What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?
They are basically the same except you do an Australian kiss down under.
There was this girl I liked in kindergarten..
One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my b**... on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.
Engineering students
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
What do you get when you kiss a bird?
Chirpies. It's a Canarial Disease. It's Untweetable!
Patriotism
A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said.
The nurse took off her p**... and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse," he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"
Hide and seek.
A girl was teaching a boy about her own rules at hide and seek: "If you can find me in 20 minutes, you may hold my hand. If you can find me in 10 minutes, you may kiss me. If you can find me in 2, you may do whatever you want to me, and I always hide behind the fridge."
When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes.
Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.
I usually close my eyes when I kiss girls.
Not as much pepper spray gets in that way.
Kiss The Mirror
A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.
You can explore kiss lips reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean kiss couples dad jokes. There are also kiss puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why should you never kiss a s**... bird?
Because you might get chirpies, which is a canararial disease, but don't worry, it's tweetable.
"Daddy, why don't you kiss me the way you kiss mommy?"
"Because I love mommy."
Is it alright to kiss a nun?
Sure, as long as you don't get into the habit.
Two men and two women are on a train.
There is a mother and daughter on their way to have a holiday, and there is an old general and his valet, a young sergeant. The train goes through a tunnel, and everything is dark. There is a *mwsshk!* and a *s**...!* and the train leaves the tunnel.
The mother thinks, "that young man stole a kiss from my daughter and got slapped for it!"
The daughter thinks, "that young man tried to kiss me, and kissed my mother by mistake!"
The general thinks, "that upstart pup steals a kiss and I get slapped for it."
The sergeant thinks, "not bad! I just kiss my hand and get to slap the general, and here comes another tunnel!"
You shouldn't kiss someone on January 1st
It's the first date
Survey Says
A survey found that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house, and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.
Study reveals 20% of men kiss wife goodbye when they leave the house. 80% of men kiss house goodbye when they leave their wife.
Conclusion. Want to keep your house, start kissing your wife.
As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.
She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"
How do you kiss a g**... valentines day?
You use tulips.
A woman says to her doctor, "Kiss me!"
He says "No, I can't."
She asks again "Doctor, please kiss me!"
Again he says "No, that would be unprofessional."
Now she's practically begging "Kiss me!"
He yells "No! I shouldn't even be having s**... with you right now."
A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"
The doctor says "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having s**... right now!"
My wife told me to kiss her like if we were in a soap opera
I hugged her tight, kissed her with passion and then slapped her because how dare she?!
I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.
Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.
With age comes wisdom
An old man was fishing at the riverbank. Along came a frog who said, "If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman and grant you any s**... favor you desire!"
The old man thought about it and put the frog in his coat pocket.
"Aren't you going to kiss me?" said the frog.
"I'm 75, I'd rather have a talking frog!"
People say the hardest part of the first date is the first kiss.
No idea what they mean, the hardest part of my first date was getting her to take the sleeping pills.
How do skeletons kiss
Skeletons don't have lips, they just bone.
I kissed a girl in the club and she said, "Oh my God, you've been smoking. It's just like l**... an ashtray."
"You non-smokers have some funny habits," I replied.
Did you ever wake up, give the person next to you a big kiss, and just feel glad you're alive?
I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.
A little buffalo ask his dad, "How come you kiss uncle Steve the same way you kissed mommy?"
"I'm Bison".
75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house.
90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.
A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked.
But after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss. "I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said. "Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"
"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?
I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...
I don't always kiss my wife goodbye when I leave the house...
But I always kiss my house goodbye when I leave my wife!
A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...
As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and i**... aliens?
The clerk said, Kiss my a**...… get out… and stay out!
The man said, Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?
A King says to 3 of his most esteemed Knights
- Sir Brand! Kiss my hand.
- Sir Amit! Kiss my feet.
- Sir Hancock! Sir Hancock? Why are you running away from me?
Don't Kiss!
Wife: "Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."
Why should you never kiss a canary?
You'll catch chirpies.
It's a canarial disease.
There's no tweetment.
A developer finds a talking frog.
It says "Kiss me and I will become a princess". But he just puts she into his jacket and keeps on working.
During Lunch the frog jumps out of his jacket and says again "Kiss me and I will become your princess". But he just puts her back again.
In the evening he shows her to a friend and she asks "Why won't you kiss me?" - "I don't have time for a girlfriend but a talking frog is funny."
Have you ever heard of the Australian Kiss?
It's like a French kiss, but from down under
An Aussie kiss is like a French kiss...
But down under
You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince
But apparently only seven before you're banned from that stuck-up aquarium
Receiving a kiss while sleeping is the most pure form of love there is...
Unless you're in prison
My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke p**... and kiss.
Best hire I've ever made as a school principal.
A woman says to her doctor "Kiss me!"
He answers "No, I can't."
She asks again "Doctor, please kiss me!"
Again he says "No, ma'am, that would be unprofessional."
Now she's practically begging "Kiss me! Kiss me!"
He finally yells "No! I shouldn't even be having s**... with you right now."
Aspirin
A man comes home to his wife one evening.
Honey, I'm home! He says and gives her a kiss.
I've brought you some Aspirin he says.
But I don't have a headache she replies.
Ok then. Let's have s**...
A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having s**... right now!"
I can't believe the v**... language kids are using on Xbox Live.
Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?
What happens if you kiss a bird?
You get chirpies. But it's okay because it tweetable!
Marriage
**Before Marriage**
Boy: Ah, finally, I've waited so long.
Girl: You want me to leave?
Boy: No. I dare to not even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course. Lots!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: No! Why are you asking me?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every time I get the chance!
Girl: Will you ever hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy? Of course not!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling?
**After Marriage**
Read it Backwards.
My history teacher told us that if a nuclear bomb was closely approaching, being flexible would be very helpful.
It's so that you can bend your body and kiss your a**... goodbye.
A general, an officer, an old lady, and an attractive young woman all board a train together.
As they ride along they go in a dark tunnel and can't see anything. Suddenly, they hear a quick smooch followed by a loud s**...!
The old lady thinks, "that young girl has some fine morals, smacking a man for trying to steal a kiss."
The young woman thinks, "how odd, the general tried to kiss the old lady instead of me."
The general thinks, "that officer is smart, he steals a kiss, and I get slapped."
The office thinks, "I'M A GENIUS! I kiss the back of my hand, and get to hit a 4 star general!!!"
Never kiss your hunny when her nose is runny
you may think it's funny but it's snot
What happens when you kiss a bird?
You get chirpies
It's a canarial disease
There's no tweetment
So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the a**..., and walks in to have a stiff drink.
The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the a**... before coming in? You got s**... all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps with chapped lips?"
"Nah," says the cowboy. "But it keeps me from lickin' 'em"
An old man goes fishing
An old man is fishing at a lake when a frog approaches him.
The frog says "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful woman and fall in love with you."
The man is amazed. He pick up the frog, stuffs him in his pocket and heads for home.
On the drive, the frog starts squirming and making a fuss, so the man takes the frog out of his pocket.
The frog says "Hey, did you not hear what I said? Just kiss me already and you'll have the woman of your dreams!"
The old man replies "I'm 80 years old. I'd much rather have a talking frog"
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and be glad that you're alive?
Apparently, I did and won't be allowed on Hawaiian Airlines again...
I kissed a girl today.
Wish I could post this in another sub some day.
If I ever become famous, I'm gonna kiss another guy publicly just to remove homophones from my fan base.
John and Jon, that means you.
He said he would kiss me or die in the attempt.
Well?
He has no life-insurance, and I pitied his poor old mother.
Source: 1913 Newspaper
Where did Kermit the Frog kiss Miss Piggy?
Under the mistletoad
Judas: the one I bestow with a kiss is the christ
Roman soldier: can't you like... point at him or something?
Judas (putting on lipstick): I don't tell you how to do your job!
With a s**... smile, she said to me "Kiss me where the sun don't shine."
...so I booked us two tickets for a December holiday in northern Norway.
Three men died and as soon as they arrive in heaven they meet Jesus
'To enter heaven you must do what I say' said Jesus
He goes to the first man:
'Fernand, kiss my hand, and you're free to go.'
the man kisses Jesus hand and enters the paradise
'Pete, kiss my feet and you're free to go.'
the man kisses Jesus feet and got into the golden gate
When Jesus goes to talk to the third one, he sees the man running away
'Hey Brock, why are you running?'
Got into a taxi and the driver, guy about my age asked, Do you mind if I put some music on? I replied, Not at all. He said, Kiss? I rolled my eyes and shot back...
Let's listen to the music first and see how we feel.
