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Kiss Jokes

153 kiss jokes and hilarious kiss puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about kiss that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

A huge collection of kiss jokes! If you are looking for kiss jokes, then this is the article for you. These jokes are perfect for anyone who loves kissing, or just wants a good laugh.

Funniest Kiss Short Jokes

Short kiss jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The kiss humour may include short smile jokes also.

  1. Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive? I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...
  2. 75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.
  3. I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck ...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer
  4. I don't always kiss my wife goodbye when I leave the house... But I always kiss my house goodbye when I leave my wife!
  5. My wife told me to kiss her like if we were in a soap opera I hugged her tight, kissed her with passion and then slapped her because how dare she?!
  6. Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that? Husband: How can I ?
    I don't even know her.
  7. I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead. Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.
  8. The problem with kissing a perfect 10 is that Sometimes it's cold when your lips touch the mirror
  9. When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.
  10. Study reveals 20% of men kiss wife goodbye when they leave the house. 80% of men kiss house goodbye when they leave their wife. Conclusion. Want to keep your house, start kissing your wife.

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Kiss One Liners

Which kiss one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with kiss? I can suggest the ones about love bite and lips.

  1. Why does Oedipus hate profanity? He kisses his mother with that mouth.
  2. The problem with kissing a perfect 10 Is how cold the mirror feels on your lips.
  3. What is a lesbian's most favorite chocolate? Her/she's kisses.
  4. I kissed a girl today. Wish I could post this in another sub some day.
  5. Why doesn't Oedipus curse? Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
  6. Why is Oedipus against swearing? He kisses his mother with that mouth!
  7. Do you know what evil kisses sound like? Muah hahaha
  8. You shouldn't kiss someone on January 1st It's the first date
  9. I usually close my eyes when I kiss girls. Not as much pepper spray gets in that way.
  10. "Daddy, why don't you kiss me the way you kiss mommy?" "Because I love mommy."
  11. Never kiss your hunny when her nose is runny you may think it's funny but it's snot
  12. Finally today a girl kissed me I wish I could post it in another subreddit :(
  13. What happens if you kiss a bird? You get chirpies. But it's okay because it tweetable!
  14. What do cows call kisses? Smooooooches
  15. How do skeletons kiss Skeletons don't have lips, they just bone.

Kiss Day Jokes

Here is a list of funny kiss day jokes and even better kiss day puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said 'do you mind if I put some music on?' I said 'Not at all'
    He said 'Kiss?'
    I said 'Let's listen to the music first and see how we feel'
  • If you're worried about not getting a New Year's Eve kiss this year, just remember Valentine's Day is coming up and you're probably going to be alone for that, too.
  • In honor of Valentine's Day... What does a passionate kiss and a spider have in common?
    They both lead to the undoing of the fly.
  • The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary and he shouted at him... Boss - "Is this what I pay you for?"
    The manager - "No, sir, this I do free of charge."
  • My Wife says to me this morning. Our new neighbor kisses his wife every day when he leaves for work, why don't you do that..?!! #
    ..because I hardly know her.
  • How do you call someone who loves to kiss people on their neck? Neck-romancer.
    Also: One can not raise a family in peace these days. Its realy hard to be a necromancer...
  • Wife: Our neighbor kisses his wife every day before going to work.I wish you did the same. Husband:I wish I could.
  • In light of Valentine's Day My girlfriend's mom told this joke and I thought it was worth sharing with you guys.
    Q: What did the farmer get his wife for Valentine's Day?
    A: hogs and kisses
  • Happy St Patrick's Day! If you can't kiss the Blarney Stone today, just use a fake substitute. Any sham rock will do.
  • How my day went today 1. Woke up
    2. Went to work
    3. Saw hot girl
    4. Kissed the girl

    Too bad it happened in the order 2,3,4,1.
Kiss joke, How my day went today

Comical Kiss Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter

What funny jokes about kiss you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean greet jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make kiss pranks.

Yo' Mama is so ugly

\*\*..yo' daddy takes her to work with him so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.\*\*

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered,
"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

After kissing a g**... her sofa she said let's take this upstairs

Ok I said You grab one end and I'll grab the other

What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?

They are basically the same except you do an Australian kiss down under.

There was this girl I liked in kindergarten..

One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my b**... on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode?

He just couldn't resistor.......

Engineering students

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Kissing is like peeing your pants

Everyone can see it but only you can feel the heat

What do you get when you kiss a bird?

Chirpies. It's a Canarial Disease. It's Untweetable!

Patriotism

A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said.
The nurse took off her p**... and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse," he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"

Hide and seek.

A girl was teaching a boy about her own rules at hide and seek: "If you can find me in 20 minutes, you may hold my hand. If you can find me in 10 minutes, you may kiss me. If you can find me in 2, you may do whatever you want to me, and I always hide behind the fridge."

Passionate kiss is like spider web

leads to undoing of fly.

What do you get when you kiss a canary?

Chirpes.
It can't be tweeted because it's a canarial disease.

So there's a woman, and she goes to her doctor

And she, um she says to her doctor, "Kiss me." and he says, "I can't. It would be unprofessional." And she keeps asking him, and he says, "No, no, no." Happens three times like that. Finally, at the end, she says, "Kiss me," and he says, "I shouldn't even be having s**... with you right now."

"Every kiss begins with k"

I whisper to myself as I read the one letter reply from my crush.

Kiss The Mirror

A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.

Why should you never kiss a s**... bird?

Because you might get chirpies, which is a canararial disease, but don't worry, it's tweetable.

Tried to eskimo kiss my girl last night...

but she wasn't inuit.

I like to kiss my girlfriends neck.

I guess I'm a neck romancer.

Is it alright to kiss a nun?

Sure, as long as you don't get into the habit.

Two men and two women are on a train.

There is a mother and daughter on their way to have a holiday, and there is an old general and his valet, a young sergeant. The train goes through a tunnel, and everything is dark. There is a *mwsshk!* and a *s**...!* and the train leaves the tunnel.
The mother thinks, "that young man stole a kiss from my daughter and got slapped for it!"
The daughter thinks, "that young man tried to kiss me, and kissed my mother by mistake!"
The general thinks, "that upstart pup steals a kiss and I get slapped for it."
The sergeant thinks, "not bad! I just kiss my hand and get to slap the general, and here comes another tunnel!"

What's an Australian Kiss?

A French kiss down under ;)
*first post here, a coworker of mine told me the joke. Go easy :)*

Being kissed by a llama isn't the end of the world

The way some people go on about it, you'd think they were talking about the alpaca lips

An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear "Give us a kiss, luv!"

"No!", replied the nurse
"Oh go on!", said the man
"No!", replied the nurse again
"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick p**... on the cheek?"
"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be w**... you off!"

Survey Says

A survey found that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house, and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose.

You might think it's funny, but it's snot.

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

I went on a date with a woman from Alaska...

Things were going pretty well, and we sincerely enjoyed each others company. Then at the end of the night, I tried to give her an Eskimo kiss, but I guess she wasn't really Inuit.

As a politician...

You need to shake hands & kiss babies...
...and take good care not to confuse the two.

How do you kiss a g**... valentines day?

You use tulips.

A woman says to her doctor, "Kiss me!"

He says "No, I can't."
She asks again "Doctor, please kiss me!"
Again he says "No, that would be unprofessional."
Now she's practically begging "Kiss me!"
He yells "No! I shouldn't even be having s**... with you right now."

Johnny, Billy and Jimmy are discussing girls at their high school.

Johnny said, Mindy Carlson let me kiss her in the playground after Math—she's one of the greats.
That's nothing, said Billy, Madison let me kiss her with tongues in the gym after Chemistry—she's a Hall-of-Fame-girl.
Little Jimmy just shook his head. You know Becca Sampson? She'll go down in history.

A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"

The doctor says "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having s**... right now!"

I kissed a grill once.

It was pretty hot.

If you get kissed by an alpaca it's not the end of the world.

It's the alpaca-lips.

With age comes wisdom

An old man was fishing at the riverbank. Along came a frog who said, "If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman and grant you any s**... favor you desire!"
The old man thought about it and put the frog in his coat pocket.
"Aren't you going to kiss me?" said the frog.
"I'm 75, I'd rather have a talking frog!"

I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman.

Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.

People say the hardest part of the first date is the first kiss.

No idea what they mean, the hardest part of my first date was getting her to take the sleeping pills.

I kissed a girl in the club and she said, "Oh my God, you've been smoking. It's just like l**... an ashtray."

"You non-smokers have some funny habits," I replied.

How do you kiss a florist?

With tulips.

I got a private dance from a stripper.

When she was done, she gave me her phone number.
I said, "If I give you £50, will you come back to my place for a kiss and a cuddle?"
She said, "It will have to be more than that."
I said, "That's fine. What about s**...?"

If you're kissing on your honey and your nose is sort of runny,

you make think it's funny, but it snot.

Noticing a woman sitting alone at a table in a bar...

.. a man goes over to chat with her. After talking to her for a while he makes his move.
"Stop!" says the woman as the man tries to kiss her. "I'm sorry but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I truly love."
"Wow", says the man, "that must be difficult."
"It's not too bad", replied the woman. "My husband's quite upset though."

I remember my first kiss.....

it was during recess, by the swings. Her name was Liz, she was in 4th grade. We were talking, I don't know what came over me, I grabbed her face and kissed her. It lasted about 10 seconds, we both awkwardly kissed each other, it took us both by surprise.
That night, it was all I could think about. Apparently, that night, she told her parents.
And that's why I can't teach in New York State anymore.

Did you ever wake up, give the person next to you a big kiss, and just feel glad you're alive?

I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.

My wife says I have a problem with alcohol a**....

I politely told her I don't. I managed to stay calm and kiss her goodnight even though I was getting so angry.
When she went to bed I punched my bottle of Jack Daniels.

A little buffalo ask his dad, "How come you kiss uncle Steve the same way you kissed mommy?"

"I'm Bison".

A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked.

But after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss. "I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said. "Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"
"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."

To the Girl I Kissed Last

Here's to the girl that I kissed last…
She didn't kiss slowly nor did she kiss fast…
But she kissed so long and...
She kissed so sweet…
She made things stand that had no feet!

Pre-marriage vs Post-marriage

Before marriage: continue reading ↓
Man: I can't wait for the day to come!
Woman: Can I go back on this?
Man: Of course not!
Woman: Do you love me?
Man: Of course!
Woman: Will you cheat on me?
Man: No, why would you have such a thought?
Woman: Will you kiss me?
Man: Of course, more than once!
Woman: Will you ever a**... me?
Man: Never!
Woman: Can I trust you?
Post-marriage: read backwards ↑

What happens every time Gene Simmons gets in a fight with his band mates?

They Kiss and makeup

What's more memorable than a passionate kiss?

A stab wound

What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?

"Ouch."

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
 
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and i**... aliens?
 
The clerk said, Kiss my a**...… get out… and stay out!
 
The man said, Yes, that's the one.  Do you have it in paperback?

A King says to 3 of his most esteemed Knights

- Sir Brand! Kiss my hand.
- Sir Amit! Kiss my feet.
- Sir Hancock! Sir Hancock? Why are you running away from me?

Don't Kiss!

Wife: "Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."

I'm made out of pure dynamite!

An elder couple wakes up together and kiss each other a good morning.
After that, the man stands up, picks up his weights and starts lifting them.
The man says: "Do you see this? I'm made out of pure dynamite!"
His wife looks up, with one eyebrow lifted, and says: "Too bad about the short fuse..."
(I hope it's clear because my English isn't so great)

Why should you never kiss a canary?

You'll catch chirpies.
It's a canarial disease.
There's no tweetment.

I met a lovely, helpful person the other day

They were always asking about me, wanting to get to know me better. They seemed genuinely helpful and were there when i needed them most. They dedicated their time to me and didn't even ask for anything in return. I decided to take the plunge and kiss them!
Anyway, i need a new public defender.

A developer finds a talking frog.

It says "Kiss me and I will become a princess". But he just puts she into his jacket and keeps on working.
During Lunch the frog jumps out of his jacket and says again "Kiss me and I will become your princess". But he just puts her back again.
In the evening he shows her to a friend and she asks "Why won't you kiss me?" - "I don't have time for a girlfriend but a talking frog is funny."

A mum, dad and their son walk into a pub.

After a few drinks, the dad jumps up onto a table and starts reciting quotes from Shakespeare to his wife. The wife joins in, and responds with, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" Then they dramatically kiss, as the whole pub stops and watches.
The son lifts his face from his palms and says, "Please... mum, dad... you're making a scene".

Have you ever heard of the Australian Kiss?

It's like a French kiss, but from down under

An Aussie kiss is like a French kiss...

But down under

My girlfriend told me to kiss her where it stinks.....

So I drove her to New Jersey

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince

But apparently only seven before you're banned from that stuck-up aquarium

Receiving a kiss while sleeping is the most pure form of love there is...

Unless you're in prison

My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke p**... and kiss.

Best hire I've ever made as a school principal.

Being kissed when you are asleep is one of the most purest forms of love

Unless you are in prison

A woman says to her doctor "Kiss me!"

He answers "No, I can't."
She asks again "Doctor, please kiss me!"
Again he says "No, ma'am, that would be unprofessional."
Now she's practically begging "Kiss me! Kiss me!"
He finally yells "No! I shouldn't even be having s**... with you right now."

Aspirin

A man comes home to his wife one evening.
Honey, I'm home! He says and gives her a kiss.
I've brought you some Aspirin he says.
But I don't have a headache she replies.
Ok then. Let's have s**...

Kiss joke, Aspirin

jokes about kiss