Kiss Jokes

What are some Kiss jokes?

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said let's take this upstairs

Ok I said You grab one end and I'll grab the other

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
 
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
 
The clerk said, Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!
 
The man said, Yes, that's the one.  Do you have it in paperback?

A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked.

But after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss. "I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said. "Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"

"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house.

90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.

A woman says to her doctor, "Kiss me!"

He says "No, I can't."

She asks again "Doctor, please kiss me!"

Again he says "No, that would be unprofessional."

Now she's practically begging "Kiss me!"

He yells "No! I shouldn't even be having sex with you right now."

A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"

The doctor says "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"

I don't always kiss my wife goodbye when I leave the house...

But I always kiss my house goodbye when I leave my wife!

My wife told me to kiss her like if we were in a soap opera

I hugged her tight, kissed her with passion and then slapped her because how dare she?!

I kissed a girl in the club and she said, "Oh my God, you've been smoking. It's just like licking an ashtray."

"You non-smokers have some funny habits," I replied.

I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.

Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.

When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes.

Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.

There was this girl I liked in kindergarten..

One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my ball sack on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.

Study reveals 20% of men kiss wife goodbye when they leave the house. 80% of men kiss house goodbye when they leave their wife.

Conclusion. Want to keep your house, start kissing your wife.

With age comes wisdom

An old man was fishing at the riverbank. Along came a frog who said, "If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman and grant you any sexual favor you desire!"

The old man thought about it and put the frog in his coat pocket.

"Aren't you going to kiss me?" said the frog.

"I'm 75, I'd rather have a talking frog!"

Hide and seek.

A girl was teaching a boy about her own rules at hide and seek: "If you can find me in 20 minutes, you may hold my hand. If you can find me in 10 minutes, you may kiss me. If you can find me in 2, you may do whatever you want to me, and I always hide behind the fridge."

You shouldn't kiss someone on January 1st

It's the first date

I usually close my eyes when I kiss girls.

Not as much pepper spray gets in that way.

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince

But apparently only seven before you're banned from that stuck-up aquarium

Receiving a kiss while sleeping is the most pure form of love there is...

Unless you're in prison

Did you ever wake up, give the person next to you a big kiss, and just feel glad you're alive?

I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.

Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"

My wife answered,

"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

"Daddy, why don't you kiss me the way you kiss mommy?"

"Because I love mommy."

Engineering students

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Patriotism

A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said.
The nurse took off her panties and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse," he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"

Two men and two women are on a train.

There is a mother and daughter on their way to have a holiday, and there is an old general and his valet, a young sergeant. The train goes through a tunnel, and everything is dark. There is a *mwsshk!* and a *smack!* and the train leaves the tunnel.

The mother thinks, "that young man stole a kiss from my daughter and got slapped for it!"
The daughter thinks, "that young man tried to kiss me, and kissed my mother by mistake!"
The general thinks, "that upstart pup steals a kiss and I get slapped for it."
The sergeant thinks, "not bad! I just kiss my hand and get to slap the general, and here comes another tunnel!"

A train goes under a tunnel.

A soldier, an officer, a young woman, and a matron are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes into a tunnel, and for a moment all is dark. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap. The light comes back, and the officer is rubbing his face.

The matron thinks "that awful officer kissed the young woman and got what he deserved."

The young woman thinks "that blind fool tried to kiss me, and kissed the old woman instead."

The officer thinks "That cheeky private kissed the girl and she thought it was me."

The soldier thinks "That worked out pretty well. I kissed the back of my own hand and got to slap an officer."

Why should you never kiss a canary?

You'll catch chirpies.

It's a canarial disease.

There's no tweetment.

Kiss me

"A male engineering student was crossing a road one
day when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss
me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over,
picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog
spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me
back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for
one week. The engineering student took the frog out
of his pocket, smiled at it; and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me
back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want. Again the boy took the frog out,
smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the
frog asked, What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and
do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me? The
boy said, Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Survey Says

A survey found that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house, and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

Suicide

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped. The leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, "Hey, honey, what are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he did not want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So she does... And it was a long, passionate, deep-tongued, lingering, thrilling kiss. After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are going to waste. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

People say the hardest part of the first date is the first kiss.

No idea what they mean, the hardest part of my first date was getting her to take the sleeping pills.

My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke pot and kiss.

Best hire I've ever made as a school principal.

How do skeletons kiss

Skeletons don't have lips, they just bone.

How do you kiss a girl on valentines day?

You use tulips.

Why should you never kiss a slutty bird?

Because you might get chirpies, which is a canararial disease, but don't worry, it's tweetable.

John wanted to kiss a princess, so he asked Paul for help.

Paul agreed, as long as they split the profits. Paul then made an itching powder and put it in the breakfast of the princess. When her mouth itched, Paul declared to the King that John had saliva that possessed healing powers. The King paid John to heal the princess, and John French-kissed the princess whole night. The day after, John refused to split the profits with Paul. So Paul put itching powder in the King's underwear. The King then called for John to heal him of his extremely itchy bottom. You know what happened.

Have you ever heard of the Australian Kiss?

It's like a French kiss, but from down under

Detective Chen Lee

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.

No fee, Chen Lee.

Don't Kiss!

Wife: "Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"

Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."

A little buffalo ask his dad, "How come you kiss uncle Steve the same way you kissed mommy?"

"I'm Bison".

At a fabric store

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk, "How much does it costs?"
Only one kiss per yard, replied the male clerk with a smirk.
That's fine, said the girl. I'll take ten yards. With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.
The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, Grandpa will pay the bill.

What do you get when you kiss a bird?

Chirpies. It's a Canarial Disease. It's Untweetable!

A King says to 3 of his most esteemed Knights

- Sir Brand! Kiss my hand.

- Sir Amit! Kiss my feet.

- Sir Hancock! Sir Hancock? Why are you running away from me?

An Aussie kiss is like a French kiss...

But down under

Is it alright to kiss a nun?

Sure, as long as you don't get into the habit.

An old man is fishing when he hears a voice. Hey guy!

He looks around and sees no one. Hey guy, he hears again. He looks down and all he sees is a frog. Confused, he picks it up. The frog in relief says "thank goodness I've been trapped like this for years!" The old man is astounded, he's holding a talking frog. "Sir, I'm a beautiful princess, if you kiss me I'll change back and we will be together forever." The old man thinks for a while and then starts to put the frog in his pocket. "Wait wait, I'm a beautiful princess I'll make you so happy what are you doing?" "Well at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."

Before marriage vs. after marriage

Before marriage:

Him: Great! Finally the day I have been waiting for is about to arrive. I am so excited!

Her: Is it still possible to call it off?

Him: No, don't even think about it!

Her: Do you love me?

Him: Of course!

Her: Will you betray me?

Him: No. Why would you even think about that?

Her: Can you come here once and give me a kiss?

Him: Of course, and certainly more than once!

Her: Will you ever hit me?

Him: Never!

Her: Can I trust you?

For after marriage, read from the bottom to the top.

The postman and kisses dilevery .

There was a postman who is always happy. in the other side there is harry who would just stares at the happy postman everyday and asks himself "What's the secret of this man".
One day Harry decided to stop the postman and ask him why he's always smiling and happy, what he did.
the postman answered:"Whenever I'm handing a mail to a women I kisses her and I get more than just a kiss sometimes."
Harry liked the idea and went to a poste office and proposed for the job then he got it . In his first delivery Harry was so excited try the kissing thing out, and as he thought, there was a hot women in front of the first door, he went directly towared her and pasted her a kiss staight in the lips, in the middle of that her husband suddenly appeared in front him and asked:"WTF ARE YOU DOING."

"I'm just delivering a 'kiss' was sent from China" Harry answered in a sporadic tone.

"Very nice, you came on time, I want to send a 'Fuck' with you to South Africa" the husband responded while draging Harry into the house.

This is also a translated joke, hope it's better than the first one

A developer finds a talking frog.

It says "Kiss me and I will become a princess". But he just puts she into his jacket and keeps on working.

During Lunch the frog jumps out of his jacket and says again "Kiss me and I will become your princess". But he just puts her back again.

In the evening he shows her to a friend and she asks "Why won't you kiss me?" - "I don't have time for a girlfriend but a talking frog is funny."

A man was sitting on a blanket at the ocean beach. He had no arms & no legs.

Three women, the first from England, the second from Wales and the third from
Ireland, were walking past the poor man feeling sorry for him.

The English woman said: "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave
him a nice warm hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave
him a gentle kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said: "Av ya ever been fooked before, Laddie? The
man broke into a big smile and said, "No I haven't."

She said, "Aye Lad, ya will be when the tide comes in."

Adam is lonely...

So God creates Eve. God orders Adam to reproduce with Eve. "How?," Adam asks. "First, you must hug and caress Eve." Adam asks "God, what is hugging and caressing?" And God explains.

"I liked hugging and carressing, what's next?" Adam asks. "Next you must kiss Eve," God answers. "What is 'Kiss'?" Adam asks, and God explains.

"I liked kissing Eve, what's next?" God answers, "Next, you must lay with Eve and make love to her." Adam asks, "What is making love?" And so God explains.

Next day, Adam asks in a frustrated tone, "God... What is a *headache?*"

Old Man and the Frog

An old man is walking down the road when he hears something call out to him. He looks over his shoulder to find a frog at the side of the road waving him over. He walks over and the frog says "Sir! If you kiss me I'll turn into a beautiful woman and to repay you I'll spend the rest of your life with you!" The old man says "Yeah, alright" then puts the frog in his pocket and keeps walking. The frog sticks its head out of the pocket and yells "I don't think you understood me! If you kiss me I'll become a beautiful woman!" The old man responds, "Look.. I'm 81 years old. At this point in my life I'd rather have a talking frog."

What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?

They are basically the same except you do an Australian kiss down under.

A mum, dad and their son walk into a pub.

After a few drinks, the dad jumps up onto a table and starts reciting quotes from Shakespeare to his wife. The wife joins in, and responds with, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" Then they dramatically kiss, as the whole pub stops and watches.

The son lifts his face from his palms and says, "Please... mum, dad... you're making a scene".

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode?

He just couldn't resistor.......

How to make Kiss puns?

We have collected gags and puns about Kiss to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Kiss? If Yes here are a lot more one liners and funny Kiss pick up lines to share with friends.

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