kiss Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious kiss puns

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?

I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

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Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

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After kissing a girl on her sofa she said let's take this upstairs

Ok I said You grab one end and I'll grab the other

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A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
 
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
 
The clerk said, Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!
 
The man said, Yes, that's the one.  Do you have it in paperback?

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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?

I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.

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A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked.

But after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss. "I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said. "Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"

"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."

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As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

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75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house.

90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.

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A woman says to her doctor, "Kiss me!"

He says "No, I can't."

She asks again "Doctor, please kiss me!"

Again he says "No, that would be unprofessional."

Now she's practically begging "Kiss me!"

He yells "No! I shouldn't even be having sex with you right now."

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A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"

The doctor says "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"

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I got fucked by a priest 20 years ago....

....He said "you may now kiss the bride".

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I don't always kiss my wife goodbye when I leave the house...

But I always kiss my house goodbye when I leave my wife!

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My wife told me to kiss her like if we were in a soap opera

I hugged her tight, kissed her with passion and then slapped her because how dare she?!

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A woman was in her physician's office when she suddenly asked him to kiss her

He replies, "I can't, that would be against my code of ethics"
Twenty minutes went by and the woman again pleaded for him to kiss her. Once more he refused, explaining as a doctor he simply could not.
After another 15 minutes passed, the woman begged him again.
"Look, I'm sorry. I just can't kiss you. In fact," he sighed, "I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."

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I kissed a girl in the club and she said, "Oh my God, you've been smoking. It's just like licking an ashtray."

"You non-smokers have some funny habits," I replied.

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My new girlfriend just said...

"After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?"

I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away.

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I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.

Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.

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When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes.

Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.

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There was this girl I liked in kindergarten..

One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my ball sack on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.

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Study reveals 20% of men kiss wife goodbye when they leave the house. 80% of men kiss house goodbye when they leave their wife.

Conclusion. Want to keep your house, start kissing your wife.

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The art of sex [NSFW]

An English man, French man and Irish man are discussing the art of sex.
The English man says "after I have sex with my wife i kiss her neck, she rises two feet off the bed with pleasure"
The Frenchman says "well, after I make love to my wife I kiss her from head to toe, whispering sweet nothings to her, and she rises 6 feet off the bed in pure ecstasy"
The Irish man says "well, after I bang my missus I get up, wipe my knob on the curtains and she hits the fucking roof!"

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Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs.

3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him.
First one said "You ever had a hug?" He said "No"
so she hugged him & walked on.
The second woman said "You ever had a kiss?" He said "No"
so she kissed him & walked on.
Third said "You ever been fucked?"
He said "No" as his eyes lit up... she said "You will be when the tide comes in."

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A kiss can make my whole day.

Anal can make my hole weak.

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Once in a while comes a xxx joke that needs a salute.

A guy on his wedding night finding that his wife was a Virgin exclaimed: "I want to Kiss the one who took care of you and protected your Virginity."

She gave a naughty smile and said:
"KISS MY ASS."

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With age comes wisdom

An old man was fishing at the riverbank. Along came a frog who said, "If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman and grant you any sexual favor you desire!"

The old man thought about it and put the frog in his coat pocket.

"Aren't you going to kiss me?" said the frog.

"I'm 75, I'd rather have a talking frog!"

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Hide and seek.

A girl was teaching a boy about her own rules at hide and seek: "If you can find me in 20 minutes, you may hold my hand. If you can find me in 10 minutes, you may kiss me. If you can find me in 2, you may do whatever you want to me, and I always hide behind the fridge."

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A boy and a girl are sitting next to each other

Boy: If you let me kiss you, I'll give you a piece of chocolate.

Girl: Okay.

Boy: If you let me touch your boobs, you'll get another piece of chocolate.

Girl: Okay!

Boy: If you let me touch your pussy, you'll get another one.

Girl: You know what? At this rate, I'll have diabetes by the time we finally fuck!

(translated from German)

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Marriage

Before Marriage:

Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

Boy: No don't even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?

Girl: Will you kiss me?

Boy: Every chance I get.

Girl: Will you hit me?

Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?

Girl: Can I trust you?

Boy: Yes.

Girl: Darling!

After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)

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You shouldn't kiss someone on January 1st

It's the first date

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I usually close my eyes when I kiss girls.

Not as much pepper spray gets in that way.

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Did you ever wake up, give the person next to you a big kiss, and just feel glad you're alive?

I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.

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Guess what it is, Jimmy

A little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.

When it was the new boy, Jimmy's turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss and asked him, "Do you know what this is?"

The boy replied, "No."

The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it."

He does so and the teacher asked him, "Now do you know what it is?"

Little Jimmy said, "Nooooo."

So the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint...it's something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams "JIMMY, SPIT IT OUT.......IT'S A PIECE OF ASS."

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I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.

Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"

My wife answered,

"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk along the beach...

... They see a woman lying there with no arms or legs. They feel quite sorry for her and go to say hello.
The Englishman says "Have you ever been hugged in your life?"

With a tear in her eye, "No" :( So he gives her a hug.

The Scotsman says "Have you ever been kissed in your life?"

Again, "no" :( so he gives her a kiss.

The Irishman walks up to her and says "Have you ever been fucked in your life?"

"No" :(

He says "Well you are now, the tide's coming in".

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Pierre the brave French fighter pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

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What are the most funny Kiss jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Kiss? Well, here are the best Kiss dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Kiss pick up lines to share with friends.

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