kiss day Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious kiss day puns

Young love... sort of...

Once when I was at kindergarten, there was this girl I really liked. When she came in the next day, I kissed her on the cheek.
The next day, I kissed her on the lips. The next day, I put my hand under her shirt. And the next day, I put both my hands up her shirt.
Eventually she told her parents.Needless to say, that was the end of my teaching career.

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There was this girl I liked in kindergarten..

One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my ball sack on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.

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A kiss can make my whole day.

Anal can make my hole weak.

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Guess what it is, Jimmy

A little boy's first day in school and a teacher was going to play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.

When it was the new boy, Jimmy's turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss and asked him, "Do you know what this is?"

The boy replied, "No."

The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it."

He does so and the teacher asked him, "Now do you know what it is?"

Little Jimmy said, "Nooooo."

So the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint...it's something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams "JIMMY, SPIT IT OUT.......IT'S A PIECE OF ASS."

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Dr visits an Indian Tribe

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

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Little Johnny and his ball.

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."

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The Horny Tribe

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

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Pierre the brave French fighter pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

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A couples dies in a car crash on the way to their wedding...

...they both end up in front of God, who welcomes them in Paradise.
- "Hello my children, it's a terrible thing that such a tragedy happened to you, but now you will be in a blissful happiness here, and forever !"
- "Well, the man responds, we would really like to get married anyway...is it possible to do that here ?"
- "Of course son, let me find a priest in this place and we'll get you two married right away !"
So God leaves the place and comes back, three days later, with a priest accompanying him. The marriage takes place, the couple kisses and a wonderful ceremony ensues.

However, two weeks later, the couples goes to see God again.
- "God, this marriage is really not working for us, and we both want a divorce. Can you get us a lawyer ?"
- "Jesus Christ, are you kidding me ? It took me *three days* to find a priest, and now you want me to find *A FUCKING LAWYER* ?"

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Engineering students

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

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"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday"

Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"

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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

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donkey

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?" "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc?" "We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

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Just looking for a good time.

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few beers they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers (Art and Gary) and whispers to her manager,
"Go up to the first bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk,
I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says "you know, I think my girl was dead!"

"Dead? says his friend, "why would you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the whole time I was loving her!"

His friend says "I think mine was a witch!"

"A witch?" says the first" "why the hell would say that?"

"Well " the first man replies "I was making love to her, kissing her neck and when I gave her a little bite
on the neck, she farted and flew out the window!"

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birthday

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

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Kiss me

"A male engineering student was crossing a road one
day when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss
me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over,
picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog
spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me
back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for
one week. The engineering student took the frog out
of his pocket, smiled at it; and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me
back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want. Again the boy took the frog out,
smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the
frog asked, What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and
do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me? The
boy said, Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

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I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player,

I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three
wood. I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.

That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that your honor is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room

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Birthday sex

Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great sex, anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"

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A man every day after work comes home kisses his wife...

... he grabs the news paper and goes in the bathroom. He's in there for 2-3 hours, and she tells him, "If you're not careful you might poop your guts out! After a while, she is starting to get sick of it so one day while he's at work, she goes to the butcher and buys a bucket of chicken guts. When she gets home, she puts them in the toilet and waits for her husband. He comes home, goes in the bathroom, and he's in there for 2 hours, then 4 hours, and finally 6 hours go by and his wife is getting worried. He comes out pale white and she asks him, "What's wrong honey?" and he replied, "Honey, today I think I pooped my guts out... But don't worry because by the grace of God and these two fingers I got it all back in!"

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The Gorilla and the Redneck

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became impossible to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the gorilla was in heat, and her aggressive behavior could only be relieved with sexual interaction with a male counterpart. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

After considering nearly all possible options, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, a very strong physical man, had little sense but was always bragging about his honky tonk women. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this, and I mean no one." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "In the event that there are offspring, I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00."

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There once was a girl with no arms and no legs crying on a beach...

One day, an old man came in his fancy convertible and noticed the girl crying on the beach. He parks his car next to her and gets out, asking why she was crying.

"Sir, I'm crying because I've never been kissed before," explains the girl.

So, the man picks her up and plants her a big kiss on her forehead. But, the girl starts crying even harder.

"Well, why are you crying? Your wish just got fulfilled," the old man asks the girl.

"Well, now I'm crying because I've never been fucked before," she replies.

So the he picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and replies--

"Well, you're fucked now."

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A famous city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men

He asks " How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?

And they replied, "Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."

The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.

One man says, "Since you're our guests you get to go first."

The doctor not wanting to go against the custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey.

Then a man in the group asks, "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."

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One of my favorites

A little boy and his mother are in a department store shopping one afternoon. The mother decides to try some clothes on and tells her son to wait outside the changing room for her. A few minutes later she walks out to find her son has his hand up the dress of a mannequin in the store. She quickly rushes over and slaps her sons hand exclaiming "don't ever stick your hand up a girls dress!" The boy seems confused and asks why. His mother explains that "girls have teeth up there and you could lose a finger" Never learning any different several years pass and the boy is now in his teens and has managed to get himself a girlfriend. After a couple months of making out with his girlfriend after school she one day asks him why he never puts his hand up her dress when they are kissing. The boy says "are you crazy I'm not going to put my hand up your dress, you have teeth up there and I could lose a finger." Confused the girl lifts up her dress to show him and says "what are you talking about there aren't any teeth up there" The boy takes a good long look and says "Yeah...not with gums like those"

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Be careful what you name your kids

I met my wife when I was 25. We got married fairly young because she got pregnant. In march of 1989 we had a beautiful baby daughter that my wife wanted to name Love. She was the fruit of our mutual affection; therefore I agreed.
Love grew up hating her name, which greatly upset me and her mother. She was bullied in school every day, something we would have given anything to be able to stop. One day Love came home from school and kissed me on the cheek, something she hadn't done since she was a kid. I heard my wife drive into our yard and as I went to open the garage door for her I heard a loud bang behind me and fell on the floor. My wife ran up to me, and as I bled on her arms the only thing I could utter was
_Shot through the heart
And you're to blame, darling
You gave Love
A bad name_

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How do you kiss a girl on valentines day?

You use tulips.

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John wanted to kiss a princess, so he asked Paul for help.

Paul agreed, as long as they split the profits. Paul then made an itching powder and put it in the breakfast of the princess. When her mouth itched, Paul declared to the King that John had saliva that possessed healing powers. The King paid John to heal the princess, and John French-kissed the princess whole night. The day after, John refused to split the profits with Paul. So Paul put itching powder in the King's underwear. The King then called for John to heal him of his extremely itchy bottom. You know what happened.

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Detective Chen Lee

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.

No fee, Chen Lee.

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the golf course frog

A golfer playing a round by himself hits his ball near a pond. As he approaches the ball he notices a small frog right next to the spot where his ball landed. Not wanting to hit the frog, he bends down and moves the frog onto a rock nearby. As he sets up his 8 iron shot, he hears the frog croak 'ribbit 9 iron'. Strange, he thought but what the heck. He pulls out his 9 iron and hits a perfect shot onto the green, 2 feet from the pin. With a smile he turns to the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. The frog hops onto his cart and proceeds to tell him the exact perfect club for each shot that day and the man ends up shooting the round of his life.

Following the round of golf, beer in hand, the man smiled at the frog and said 'you must be my lucky charm'. With something near a smile (or as close as an amphibian can get), the frog said 'ribbit Vegas'.

On a whim, the man buys a plane ticket and flies with the small frog, in his carry on to las Vegas. Sitting on the mans shoulder, the frog proceeded to tell him which roulette numbers to play to the point where the man was up tens of thousands of dollars. The winning streak continued all night and caught the attention of the pit boss, who comped the man a room in their finest suite.

Sitting in the suites hit tub and enjoying a $500 bottle of fine cognac, the man turned to the frog and said 'I don't know how to thank you. You gave me the greatest golf round I've ever played and now more money than I can earn in 3 years. Is there anything I can do for you?' The frog looked the man in the eyes and said 'Ribbit, kiss me'. After a wince, the man thinks what the heck and picks the frog up and gives it a kiss. Like magic, the frog suddenly turned into a beautiful, blond, naked...14 year old girl.

...and I swear, your honor, that's exactly how she ended up in my room!

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The parrot

A young man decides to take a look around a pet store one morning. As he is walking through the store, he notices a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch. "Pssst, Pssst" the bird said as he motioned the man over to him. "You should take me home, I would make great company". "But you're defective, you have no legs. How do you even stay on that perch?" The man asked. "Aw that's simple" the bird replied. "I just wrap my dick around it, keeps me secure". The man laughed to himself and decided he had nothing to lose and brought his new companion home. When the man returned from work the next day, the bird motioned him over once again, "Pssst, Pssst". The man approached the bird and asked "what's the problem?". The bird replied "I don't know how to tell you this, but right after you left for work your neighbour came over, and him and your wife started kissing, and touching, and rubbing..." "Oh my God, then what happened?!"

"I don't know, I got a hard on and fell off my perch".

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I was walking past a woman...

I was walking past a woman with no arms and no legs on the beach sunbathing the other day. As I walked past she started crying hysterically. So I went over and asked what was wrong. She said with tears streaming down her face "I'm 30 years old and i've never been hugged before". So I kindly picked her up, gave her a hug and put her back on her beach towel. As I go to walk off she starts crying again. "What's wrong now?" I asked. She says "I'm 30 years old and I've never been kissed before". So I knelt down and gave her a kiss. Again as I walked off she started crying. "What now?" I asked again. She said "I'm 30 years old and I've never been fucked before". So I picked her up, threw her in the sea and shouted "well you're fucked now".

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A man goes to the beach...

...while he's walking down the shore he sees a 20-year old, blonde-haired girl sitting in the sand crying. Concerned, the man runs over to her. "What's wrong?" He asks.
"I'm twenty years old and I've never been hugged by someone other than family!" She starts sobbing.
Feeling bad, the man hugs her. "There, now you've been hugged." And walks on.
The next day the man walks on the beach again and sees another girl, this one with black hair, sitting in here chair bawling. "What's wrong?" He asks her.
"I'm 19 and I've never been kissed before!" She whines.
He gives her a small kiss on the lips. "There, now you've been kissed." And he walks on.
The third day of his vacation he sees a brunette, openly crying like the other two women. He sighs. "What's wrong?"
"I'm 18 and I've never been screwed before!"
He picks her up, looks her in the eyes, and tosses her out into the ocean, where sharks surround her.
"There. Now you're screwed."

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Well I've never been fucked before

One day I was walking along the street when I saw a young homeless woman with no arms and no legs sitting on the sidewalk. I felt kinda sorry for her, so I sat down next to her and started chatting.

When I was about to leave, she said, "I've never been hugged before." So I gave her a hug.

The next day, we did the same thing, but she said, "I've never been kissed before." So I kissed her on the cheek.

The third day, we had another long discussion, and she said at the end, "Well, I've never been fucked before." So I threw her in the middle of the street and said, "Well now you're fucked."

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A man suspected his wife of seeing another man

So he hired the famous Chinese detective Chen Lee, to report any activities while was gone to work.

A few days later he received this report from the renowned detective:


Most honorable Sir,

You leave house. I watch. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in Hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. He play with she, she play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see. No fee.

Yours truly,

Chen Lee

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So... this young guy is walking through a park,

So... this young guy is walking through a park, when he comes across an old guy sitting on a park bench, crying. The young guy says "Sir, sir, I see you're crying, what's wrong?"

The old guy says "I was sitting here a week ago when this young, beautiful woman came up to me, we started talking and we really liked each other." The young guy says "That's terrific, that's fantastic, what's wrong?"

The old guy says "We started kissing and we couldn't keep our hands off each other." The young guy says "That's terrific, that's fantastic, what's wrong?" The old guy says "She came back to my place, moved in with me, and now all she wants to do is make love to me 24 hours a day."

The young guy says "That's terrific, that's fantastic, what's wrong?" The old guy says "I can't remember where I live."

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A guy sees a girl with no arms or legs...

A guy sees a girl with no arms or legs on the beach and she is crying. The guy goes up to her and he says "Why are you crying?" The woman replies I'm almost 30 and I have never been hugged!" The man goes and gives her a hug.

The next day the man goes to the same beach and sees the same woman crying.

The man asks her "Why are you crying?" The woman replies "I've never been kissed before!". The man gives her a kiss.

The next day, he sees the same girl yet again and she is crying..again. The man asks her "Why the fuck are you crying now?" She says "I'm almost 30 and never been fucked!" He picks her up, throws her in the water and says "You're fucked now."

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What are the best Kiss Day jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Kiss Day? Well, here are the best Kiss Day dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Kiss Day pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes