Kings Queens Jokes
90 kings queens jokes and hilarious kings queens puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about kings queens that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for the best kings and queens jokes? Look no further! We've got the funniest jokes about royals that will have you laughing all day long.
Funniest Kings Queens Short Jokes
Short kings queens jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The kings queens humour may include short three kings jokes also.
- King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did. Because the Queen could go any distance but the king can only move one space at a time.
- King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records: The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.
- How can you tell you're playing poker with a feminist? They'll insist that Kings and Queens have equal value.
- I was playing chess with my Australian friend He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".
I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"
Confused he said, "mate, I know." - I said to her: "Two more inches and I'd be a king" "Two inches less and you'd be a queen", she replied.
- "God Save the Queen" seems an ill-fitting anthem following the coronation of King Charles III The obvious choice for the replacement is the "Charles in Charge" theme song.
- The Rock and Roll Hierarchy has fallen The King has left the building, Queen has bit the dust, and now the doves cry for their Prince.
- Sometime in the Middle Ages Queen: come to bed
King: not until i have a name for my soldiers
Queen: k night
King: babe ur a genius
(Source: @fro_vo on Twitter) - Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights. Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen.
- Chess makes us to realize our life!!! Chess says everything
about husband and wife.
The King has to take things one step at a time,
while the Queen can do whatever she wants.
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Kings Queens One Liners
Which kings queens one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with kings queens? I can suggest the ones about queen elizabeth and queen of england.
- What's it called when a King and Queen have no children? A receding heir line...
- Why did the Dairy Queen get pregnant? The Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper
- A king and queen walk into a bar. The bartender tells them "sorry, but you're under 21."
- If horse racing is the "sport of kings" is drag racing the sport of queens?
- Why is the US bad at chess? We have no kings, no queens, and we already lost 2 towers
- Who's Burger King married to? Dairy Queen.
- What do you call gossip about kings and queens? Royal tea
- Which playing cards are the best dancers? The king and queen of clubs
- If the king is gay, who does he marry? He still marries a queen.
- Why did the feminists boycott the Casinos. The Queen was worth less than the King.
- What vapes do the King and Queen of England use? Crown Juuls
- What is it called when a King and Queen have no children? A stale mating.
- What drink does Kings and Queens enjoy? Royal-Tea
- How Burger King and Dairy Queen Have a Baby? He gave her his WHOPPER
- Why is Australia such a dry country? Because there is no king or queen to reign on it.
Great Kings Queens Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends
What funny jokes about kings queens you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean queen jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make kings queens pranks.
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.
It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. 'Merlin, you are a genius!' cried the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur, 'the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Where did the king keep his armies?
In the queen's p**....
A Firefighter, a Sheriff, and a Paramedic are trying to get into heaven...
St. Peter greets them and tells them regardless of their heroic acts, they'll need to be able to count to ten to get into heaven.
The Sheriff goes first. He hauls out his Colt .45 and counts the shots, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Let me try again!" So he reloads, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... Nope, I only got 7 shots."
So the Paramedic steps up, "I can do this." He gets into CPR position, "1 and, 2 and, 3 and, 4 and, 5... 1 and, 2 and, 3 and, 4 and, 5... Nope, CPR only goes in rounds of five."
The firefighter reluctantly goes next... "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10"
"That's amazing!" St. Peter declares, "You're the first all week. Can you count any higher?"
"Sure, 10, jack, queen, king."
Two chefs decide to take a vacation together.
Being that they are chefs, they decide to go a cooking museum while taking some time off. In the museum, the see a golden whisk with a plaque underneath that reads: "The chef who owned this whisk was known as the greatest of his time, and served meals to kings and queens."
One chef says to the other, "Wow, I hope one day I can be a legendary chef like that guy, this is really inspiring."
The other chef responds, "You know what, I'm going to steal that whisk, once I have it, I'll be the greatest chef in the world!"
The first chef, trying to convince him otherwise, says, "Are you nuts!? Look at all the security around here, you'll be arrested and never cook again!"
The second chef replies, "Well...that's just a whisk I'm willing to take."
How do you make the king leer?
Put the queen in a bikini!
(From krusty the klown)
Lancelot!
Lancelot, the chief knight of King Arthur, wanted to spend some time with Queen Guinevere. He couldn't, however, get her away from Arthur, so he calls Merlin the wizard to help him.
"I want to be with the Queen, help me"
So Merlin pours some itchy powder in her underwear. Soon, the Queen starts to feel the effect. Arthur, desperate, calls Merlin to advise him on what to do.
"Your majesty, this is an enchantment which only the saliva of noble knight Lancelot can cure. He must apply it to the Queen for three hours"
The King concedes, and Lancelot has his wish granted. The next day, Merlin goes to Lancelot:
"I've kept my part. Pay me"
"What? I won't pay you for only three hours!"
This angers Merlin, who leaves, then puts itchy powder on the King's boxers. Arthur, in pain, calls out:
"Lancelot!"
Men Will Be Men
Before the King goes to war, he locks his wife (the beautiful Queen ),
in the room & gives the key to his best friend & says : If I am not back within 4 days , open the room and she is yours....
He sits on his horse & hits the road. Half an hour later he notices a dust cloud & sound behind him. He stops & sees his friend riding very fast towards him.
"What's wrong ?" King asks.
.
.
.
.
Out of breath, his friend answers, "It is the wrong Key...!! "
I visited a small village where they had a cat for a king and a dog for a queen...
...they were reigning cats and dogs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One knight a king, a queen, and a dog sailed on a boat. The queen and king fell off and drowned. The dog tried to rescue them but was eaten by a shark. Who survived?
The knight.
(It's a better o**... joke since knight and night are interchangeable)
At my prom there was a queen and a queen king.
An Old Indian Nighttime Joke
Once upon a time there was a king
and a queen
they both died
and that's the story
Why did Burger King and Dairy Queen have a baby?
Because Burger King forgot to wrap up his Whopper
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chess is actually quite easy...
Knight takes Rook, King takes Queen, and Bishop molests the Pawns.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A groom stood n**... in front of a mirror...
and said " 2 inches more, and I'd be a king!"
His bride saw her chance and replied " 2 inches less, and you'd be a *queen*."
So the 2017 World Chess Championships are being held in Iran. There's going to be some rule changes:
Queens won't be able to move without the king's permission, and bishops will face summary execution for spreading the word of the false prophet
What feminists created this game up!?!
You have to protect the queen and not the king?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Dairy Queen and Burger King had a baby, what do you call it?
Restaurants can't have s**... you m**....
What did Martin Luther King say to his wife while proposing?
Will you be my Martin Luther Queen?
Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game
Reasons are:
1. The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
2. The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
3. The Queen is more powerful than the King.
4. The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
5. Most importantly, there's only one Queen.
The king tried to stop the party
Queen:"Don't stop me now, I'm having such a good time. I'm having a ball."
A Fairy Tale
After his daughter is cursed by the dark fairy, Maleficent, King Stefan summons his royal carpenters and commands them to make the finest, most comfortable bed in all the land.
"It will be done, Your Majesty," replies the master builder. "Does His Majesty prefer a queen or a king?"
"A king, since you asked," whispers Stefan, "…but don't tell that to the queen!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The King and Queen get a Puppy
After the whole donkey episode, the King and Queen decide to stick to dogs, and get a dachshund. Barely a month old, the puppy was given to the couple after being abandoned by its mother, the only one of the litter to survive.
Night after night, the court physicians and veterinarians watched the dog, the Queen herself often feeding the blind, half-starved animal with an eye dropper.
One morning, after worrying all night, the King and Queen shed tears of joy when the little animal struggled out of his bed and took his first steps.
The next day's headline:
"Royal w**... Stands Up for First Time; King and Queen Jubilant but Tired"
given that it takes a village to raise a child,
no wonder King H and Queen Gertrude struggled with Hamlet
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The King just caught the Queen sleeping with another man...
One could say that the man is royally s**....
One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.
One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.
When she really died the next day, the King wanted to get the astrologer killed as he thought that he had purposefully conspired to kill the Queen to fulfill his prophecy.
The guards brought the astrologer to the court and the King asked him: "You seem to predict very well. Tell me, when are you going to die?"
The astrologer, with dead seriousness on his tone, said-"I shall die three days before you, Oh great king of kings!".
His life was spared.
My wife asked me to buy a king sized pillow at Target.
After a fruitless search, I replied, "As a trans madam once said to a prospective client, 'Sorry, they're all standard queens.'"
(true story, bro)
Trump meets the Queen
So Donald asks the Queen how you get to be king or a duke or other Royalty.
Queen:' Look Donald, an Emperor rules an Empire, a king rules a kingdom, a prince ruled a principality, a duke rules a duchy and so on'
Donald:' I rule the USA, what does that make me'
Queen: that's a country, that makes you a ....
Timmy Learns to Count
A preschool teacher asked her students in class, "who can count from one to ten?"
Little 3-year old Timmy swiftly raised his hand, "I can!" and started counting "one, two, three four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten!"
The teacher is impressed, "Well done Timmy! Who taught you that?"
"My uncle Bobby!" Timmy said.
"Can you count past ten?" The teacher asked Timmy.
"That's easy!" Timmy continued, "Jack, Queen, King..."
My wife said I should be treating her like a queen...
I said, only if I can be King Henry the VIII.
Apparently Dairy Queen got pregnant
Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.
Sorry for the lameness, so many kids just dont get the good jokes.
When I told my parents I applied at King and Queen University they were pretty proud.
Until I said the full name. Burger King and Dairy Queen
this joke is better told out loud
One Knight,
A king, a queen, and a princes were on a plane.
The plane crashes.
The King, the queen, and the princes dies.
who's left.
the Knight
A King and Queen are having trouble conceiving a child...
So the king starts holding his breath. When the Queen asks him why he says, "How can I breathe when there's no heir?"
It seems that today you either have to dress like a masculine motor king or a feminine flower queen; I wish there was a middle ground.
A daisy duke if you will.
A long time ago, the king of a small castle, King Joe, went missing.
The queen sent the guards looking for him in the nearby villages, but they could not find the king. They searched far and wide, traveling for many days until they happened upon a small town. They asked the local townspeople if they had seen King Joe. "Ah yes" , exclaimed a farmer, and directed them to the local tavern. The guards barge in and shout "Is King Joe here?" A man turns around and says "I am he." The guards, teary eyed that they found their king kneel and say "We've finally found you King Joe!" The man then turns around and says "King Joe? No I'm only Joe King."
Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.
After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.
Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.
Two in one direction, then one to the side.
Hm, funny how the knight moves.
Use the word 'and' fives times in a row.
In exchange for lunch, a starving artist offered to paint a new sign for "The King and Queen" pub. Of course the proprietor quickly agreed, but when he saw the new sign he was not entirely pleased.
"There should be a bit more space between King and And, and And and King"
Mirror Mirror
A man is admiring himself in the mirror. As he flexes and checks himself out he says, An inch more and I'd be king.
The mirror begins laughing, An inch less and you'd be a queen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her n**... in her sleep to kill the baby.
The next day the Minister died of poisoning.
Why does the Dairy Queen have small fries?
Because the Burger King forgets to wrap his Whopper!
What Did the King say When the Queen Gifted him a Fool for his Birthday
"I've no use for one of these... But it was a nice jester"
Why does the queen have much more mobility than the king in chess?
Because the board looks like a kitchen floor.
Wife talking to Husband.
Wife: Why is it that, in Chess the King can only move one space at a time, but Queens are free to move wherever they like.?
Husband: That's because the board looks like a kitchen floor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do "nice guys" s**... at Chess
They never protect the king, always the queen
So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity
He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.
Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"
The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"
Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?"
The Queen - "No Vladimir, you need a prince to have a Principality"
Putin - "Then I'm at a loss, what should Russia be"
The Queen - "I think you are quite suited to be a Country, wouldn't you agree"
Apology
(an old Yiddish joke)
The court jester argued with the king about whether an apology could be worse than the crime.
Later that day the king was going up the stairs when he felt a hand on his behind. He turned around to see the jester.
"I'm sorry your Highness, I apologize. I thought you were the Queen.
A king used to be drunk throughout the day, no matter what the time, day, occasion was
Frustrated by his behaviour, the queen left the palace and vowed to never go back.
The king, drunk as usual and absolutely shocked by this news, asked his minister, what caused such extreme move of queen
Minister said, "Your highness"
What do you call it when you let your opponent attack both your king and queen in chess?
A royal fork-up