Kingdom Jokes

The year is 2219

A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.

The king splits his kingdom for his three sons...

-F**k yeah, said the Fourth Son

Why do Jehovah's Witnesses use Macs?

They prefer to not have windows.
[For those that don't get it, their churches, called "Kingdom Halls", frequently are built without windows. The official reason given is to avoid vandalism but the real reason is usually secrecy. Generally if the group builds a church it won't have windows. Source: my ex-wife was a former member]

Facebook. Way to Kingdom of Dead Usernames

These are my reigning champion two-liners.

What do you call a kingdom with a lock?
Gate Britan.
.
What do you call an opinionated island?
View Zealand.

If a king rules a kingdom what does a khan rule?

A Khandom.

How are moles classified?

They are mamoles in the animole kingdom.

So a lion and a cheetah set out for a foot race...

So a lion and a cheetah set out for a foot race to see who's the fastest in the animal kingdom. The cheetah wins. The lion say "Hey, you a cheetah!" The cheetah says "Nah, you lion."

What was the s**... princess full of?

Kingdom come

If a king runs a kingdom and an emporer runs an empire. Who's about to run this country?

Yea that

A Saudi prince has come forward saying that they should end the ban placed on women driving in the kingdom.

Interesting, just in time when all global tech giants are in the final stage of trials of their self-driving cars.

What would happen if Hungary invaded and conquered Turkey?

A new kingdom would be formed known as full.

Sir John and Chung Lee walking in front of the Buckingham palace

Chung Lee says: "When I see all these flags, my heart fills with joy!"
Sir John:"But you are a Chinese national only visiting the United Kingdom, how so?"
Chung Lee:"Did you ever read the labels on the flags?!"

How would Hyrule be called if it had been Link who created the kingdom?

HYAAAArule.
....
Yeah that was bad....

We used to have kingdoms ran by kings and empires ran by emperors and now we have theresa may

And now it's mayhem

Hey, so they opened a new vietnamese restaurant around the corner, named it Phở King, or something smart like that.

Oh, no I think it's Phở Kingdom.

There was once a kingdom, a long, long time ago. where a dragon would eat the virgins of the land.

Then one wonderful day, a hero came to the kingdom. The leader told the hero of their predicament. He told him that every day, the dragon would take a few virgins to his cave to eat. The hero said that he will save the kingdom, and take care of the dragon.
After two weeks, the dragon starved to death.

A king outlawed hunting in his kingdom

Pretty soon, deer and elk populations were out of control, eating the commoners' crops and becoming a general nuisance. The people revolted and overthrew the king, thus making it the first time in history a reign had been called on account of game.

The kingdom of Yemen had a totally different name when it was still a young country.

It was called Oboy.
I know it's bad, but I had to post it somewhere :')

The new king was an animal lover

The new king was an animal lover. So much so that he issued an edict that there would be no hunting of any animals while he was king. People had mixed feelings, but the king was so good to them that they obeyed his command. That is, until the kingdom was overrun with animals of all types...
The people gathered and talked and decided this couldn't go on. The king wouldn't change his mind, so the people chose to overthrown the king....
It was the only time in history that the reign was called on account of the game....

There was a king.

He was having a problem with barbarians in his kingdom, so he began sending guards to patrol the roads at night.
One of his nobles sent some of his city guard to help with the efforts, and a fool to keep the king's mood up.
The king was polite, but full of pride, so he sent the guards back with the message, "I have plenty of guards of my own, but I appreciate the jester."

There were two thieves who were also being crucified next to Jesus. One of them said, Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.

Jesus looked towards the thief and said, Truly I say to you, today you shall be with me in para...ARE THOSE MY SANDALS!

In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled.

As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. "You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!"

England is a Kingdom cause it will be run by a King. China is an Empire as it has an Emporer. Why do you think the US is called a country?

Ig the Knight

Once upon a time, there was a soldier named Ig. In a recent battle, Ig showed courage and bravery, saving 20 men by himself!
To honour Ig's heroic act, the Queen of the kingdom was to knight him. Ig knelt before Her Majesty, as she tapped each shoulder of his with a sword. As she finished, Ig the Knight burst into flames! The Queen, astonished by what happened, asked her squire why he lit on fire.
Stunned, the squire spoke, "Ig...Knighted..."

A lion gathered all animals on a meeting

Lion: I have decided that my daughter is old enough for a marriage and I want her to marry the bravest animal in my kingdom. I will give her hand to whoever jumps of this cliff we are standing on right now.
Silence. Noone is brave enough to do such a thing.
Suddenly, everyone hears "AAAAAAARGH" and then "THUMP". When the dust disappeared, there was a bear wiping the dust from his fur and shouting:
Bear: You, lion will give me your daughter now, and rabbit, you are dead when I catch you!

A poem about British history

First we were a kingdom, and we had a king.
Then we were an empire, and we had an empress
Now we are a country, and we have Nigel Farage.

Trump meets the Queen

So Donald asks the Queen how you get to be king or a duke or other Royalty.
Queen:' Look Donald, an Emperor rules an Empire, a king rules a kingdom, a prince ruled a principality, a duke rules a duchy and so on'
Donald:' I rule the USA, what does that make me'
Queen: that's a country, that makes you a ....

One Time Long Ago, Way Back In Medieval Times...

There was a brave knight named Sir Finley who fought everything the king commissioned him to. One day, a dragon terrorized a nearby village, scaring the kingdom. Sir Finley was sent of to slay this terrible dragon. Once he got there, the dragon's tail knocked him off balance. Sir Finley fell to the dragon, and the dragon cut off his feet first when starting to cook.
Sir Finley was de-feet-ed.

Time for Saudi Jokes?

Who knew Dexter was a Muslim?
Who knew Dexter was #1 show in the Kingdom?
Why are Saudi Drs so good? In their Anatomy class they use living cadavers.
And?

A short rhyming history of the British Isles

First, we were a kingdom, and we had kings.
Then, we were an empire, and we had emperors.
Now, we are a country, and we have Brexiteers.

Did you know back in the New Kingdom era, high ranking Egyptians were known for f**...?

They all had a toot-in-common

Squirrels are the f**... of the animal kingdom

They only care about their nut

To take down a kingdom, just kill the court jester

Or as they say, go straight for the juggler.

There was a kingdom at the sky conducted by the random caste system.

At the age of 18 everyone gets a random cloud between 1 and 10. 1 is the best. Two friends join to the draw and result arrives. The first one gets the cloud number 5 and rejoices for it. He sees his friend extremely happy and asks "What happened? Did you get the cloud 1?"
"No" he says. "I'm on cloud 9."

So donald trump went to visit the queen of England the other day...

Donald trump went to visit the queen of England the the other day, he says to her:
I'd like to change the name of the united states to the empire of the united states."
and she says "no I'm sorry sir, for you to have an empire you'd need to be an emperor, and you sir are no emperor."
he says "well how about the kingdom of the united states?"
and she says "no I'm sorry sir, for you to have a kingdom you must be a king, and you sir are no king"
he goes "well what then"
and she says "i think it would be best if you stayed a country

I'm going to be a furniture store entrepreneur one day.

My first store will be called "Sofa Kingdom".
My second store will be called "Ottoman Empire."
Then people will say "That's Sofa Kingdom also."

So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity

He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.
Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"
The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"
Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?"
The Queen - "No Vladimir, you need a prince to have a Principality"
Putin - "Then I'm at a loss, what should Russia be"
The Queen - "I think you are quite suited to be a Country, wouldn't you agree"

A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building

So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.
​
The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.
​
The last one is the Christian man. He jumps and starts praying: O u r F a t h e r i n H e a v e n, hallowed be your name. YOUR KINGDOM COME! YOUR WILL... BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA!

What do a Middle Eastern transportation center and a mythological English kingdom have in common?

They're both camel-lots