Kingdom Jokes
105 kingdom jokes and hilarious kingdom puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about kingdom that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out these hilarious jokes featuring all your favorite Kingdom titles such as Kingdom Hearts, Kingdom of Heaven, Kingdom Hearts 2, Sofa Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, Cookie Run Kingdom, Rise of Kingdom, and Magic Kingdom! From the jokes about palace life to sire, royalty and beyond, there’s something here for everyone.
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Funniest Kingdom Short Jokes
Short kingdom jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The kingdom humour may include short majesty jokes also.
- We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by king.. Now we have countries..
- When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May... ...and it is a Country.
- The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting. They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.
- "I'd like a spell to make me famous," he said. "OK," said the witch.
He burned for a week before he died. It was the talk of the kingdom. - What would happen if Hungary invaded and conquered Turkey? A new kingdom would be formed known as full.
- What do a Middle Eastern transportation center and a mythological English kingdom have in common? They're both camel-lots
- The United Kingdom is to provide special support to those self-identify as gnomes, fairies or pixies... It'll be known as the National Elf Service.
- If kings are in charge of kingdoms, emperors are in charge of empires, and princes are in charge of principalities.... ....then who is in charge of a country?
- Why did House Stark shut down the northernmost cereal factory in the Seven Kingdoms? Cuz they were bad at Raisin' Bran
- A poem about British history First we were a kingdom, and we had a king.
Then we were an empire, and we had an empress
Now we are a country, and we have Nigel Farage.
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Kingdom One Liners
Which kingdom one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with kingdom? I can suggest the ones about empire and reign.
- How does a queen get around her kingdom? She gets throne.
- What happens if your car breaks down in the Mushroom Kingdom? It gets Toad
- A kingdom is headed by a king... So what is a country run by?
- The United Kingdom. A country whose name is now ironic.
- What book are you reading? Some new Danish author.
- I will stay in this fancy leather for one hour. I prefer you in leather, anyway.
- A bunch of things happened that I forgot. And thus, I live, and so do you.
- What will you call a big broken glacier piece, floating towards United Kingdom? Iceburgh
- When the animal kingdom had a poker party who didn't they invite? The Cheetahs!
- What did the three kingdoms say when one fell? "No Wei!"
- No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms. Only the Ruler could.
- What do you call the realm of the Lord of the Couches? Sofa Kingdom.
- What is United Kingdom's top song for December 2018? "All I want for Christmas is EU"
- Why does the fairytale kingdom smell so awful? Because of all the toad stools.
- When I am more mature I will be totally secure.
United Kingdom Jokes
Here is a list of funny united kingdom jokes and even better united kingdom puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I guess the United Kingdom really does have a patriarchy... ...because that is one hung Parliament.
- What is the wettest country on earth? United Kingdom, because the Queen has reigned for years.
*this is my 8 year old daughters absolute favorite joke. - Why is it called the United Kingdom instead of the United Queendom when it's ruled by a Queen? Because it's still ruled by a man (Theresa May)
- Alex Salmond walks into a bar in Scotland I'm sorry, I meant the United Kingdom.
- Who's the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom according to Tiffany Haddish? Theresa Heeeyyyyy
- I was bewildered when the United Kingdom people voted to pull out of the EU? I mean, U K guys?
- United Kingdom More like... Divided Kingdom.
Animal Kingdom Jokes
Here is a list of funny animal kingdom jokes and even better animal kingdom puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is something that elephants are known to do that no other animal in the animal kingdom has been observed doing? Make baby elephants.
- What's the difference between someone you want to ask to marry you and the rest of the animal kingdom? Proposalable thumbs!
- What do you call a reptile that likes to start trouble in the animal kingdom? An instigator
I'll see myself out... - After Scar was kicked out of the animal kingdom, he got a job fixing car horns at an auto mechanic. Beep repaired
- Who is the best rapper in the animal kingdom? Kendrick Llama
- Throughout school I was taught how the animal kingdom works. Why doesn't my gf understand!!!!!
- Who is the devout ladies of the animal kingdom? Nonkeys
Sofa Kingdom Jokes
Here is a list of funny sofa kingdom jokes and even better sofa kingdom puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- that I came up with whilst daydreaming: Why is there no sofa in the forbidden kingdom? ... because Mao is more of a chair man!
Silly & Ridiculous Kingdom Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about kingdom you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean royal family jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make kingdom pranks.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
Three men die
A Brit, American and Pakistani die and find themselves at the Pearly gates greeted by St Peter.
The Brit approaches and says "Hello there - I've come for Jesus"
St Peter looks at his book and says "Ahh yes, Roger Smith! Welcome - please enter the kingdom of heaven"
The American then approaches and says "Hi - I've come for Jesus" to which St Peter consults his book and says "Well, hello Chuck Jones - welcome to the kingdom of heaven"
The Pakistani then approaches and says "Hello - I've come for Jesus". St Peter puts down his book, looks over his shoulder and shouts "Jesus! Your taxi's here"
The Fish Princess and the Commoner Crab
Once upon a time, in the undersea kingdom, there lived a fish princess. This fish princess had fallen in love with a peasant crab.
When her father, the fish king, found out about their affair he forbade her to ever see him again. When she asked him why he replied "No daughter of mine will consort with a lowly sideways-walking crab!"
Devastated, but with no other choice, the fish princess goes to her crab and delivers the news. "My father says we can't be together," she tells him, "he says you're a lowly side-walker, and that I'm forbidden to see you." The crab, crushed by the news, turns and sadly walks away - sidewise, of course.
That night there was a gala ball at the fish palace. All the nobility of the undersea kingdom was there in attendance including, of course, the fish king and princess. Then, at the very height of festivities, the doors to the ballroom suddenly burst open... and there was the crab.
The entire room burst into excited whispers, all the attendees having heard the rumor of the princess' affair with a side-walking commoner. To their surprise, however, before their very eyes, the crab took one step forward... then another step forward... and another... walking forward down the red carpet toward the king on his throne.
As the crab approached the king the room went silent in anticipation. The crab looked the king square in the eye... opened his mouth... and slurred "I am soooooo super drunk right now."
An ancient Chinese story
Long ago in ancient China, the Wong brothers ruled 2 kingdoms, side by side. Life was well, until a neighboring kingdom decided to invade both the brother's domains. Citizens were killed and villages were burned to the ground.
Desperate, the brothers turned to magic. Meeting up, they devised a magical ceremony and went through with it. It was successful, and the enemies turn and ran while the destruction was reversed. Ecstatic, one brother had his transcript detail the ceremony, just in case they had to perform it again.
Why is this important?
It was the first time in recorded history that 2 Wongs made a rite.
A zebra died and went to heaven...
Upon reaching the Pearly Gates he is greeted by Saint Peter.
"Welcome, my creature, to the Kingdom of Heaven! Before entering I will answer one question your mortal body may have been concerned with!" Peter says.
The zebra, who had always had one question on his mind, immediately asks, "I have been wondering this for quite some time, am I white with black stripes, or black with white stripes?"
Saint Peter takes a second to ponder the question, and finally replies "I cannot answer such a question of identity, only God can do that. He will be more than happy to answer you in his chambers over there."
The zebra quickly goes into God's chambers and asks the question again, to only have God reply "My creature, you are what you are." Disappointed, he goes back to Saint Peter saying, "God didn't answer my question, he simply told me 'you are what you are.'"
"Ah, but creature, don't you see? That means you are white with black stripes."
"What do you mean?" The zebra asked, "How do you get that just from his response?"
"Because, creature. If you were black with white stripes he would have said 'You is whatchu is'"
The Black Knight.
Once there was a black knight. He traveled far and wide to find his princess bride.
He came to a kingdom to see the king. when he arrived, he heard that the king had the most beautiful daughter that anyone had ever seen.
he went to the king and asked if he could marry the princess. the king said
"you could after he got the red gem from the red dragon."
The knight searched far and wide for many, many months. then, when he found the red dragon, he killed it and took its gem.
The Black Knight went to the king and gave him the red gem. the king said
"you can marry my daughter after you kill the purple dragon and bring me the purple gem."
The knight searched far and wide for many, many months. then, when he found the purple dragon, he killed it and took its gem.
The Black Knight went to the king and gave him the purple gem. the king said
"you can marry my daughter after you kill the blue dragon and bring me the blue gem."
The knight searched far and wide for many, many months. then, when he found the blue dragon, he killed it and took its gem.
The Black Knight went to the king and gave him the blue gem. the king said," you can marry my daughter."
The knight ran around the castle and up the stairs. he passed the kitchen, the dungeon, and the royal bedroom.
When he finally got to the princesses room, he got on one knee and said " will you marry me?"
"No" she said.
There was once a great Polynesian king
He lived in a magnificent palace made of woven grass and sat on a beautiful throne.
One day another kingdom gave him a gift: a new throne, even more exquisite than the one he already had. The king wanted to replace his old throne right away, but he didn't want to just throw it away; he had so many good memories tied to it!
Instead, he had it moved to the attic, and then he proceeded to sit on his new throne. Unfortunately, since the palace was made of woven grass, it couldn't support the weight of the old throne. Thus the old throne came crashing down, falling on top of the king and killing him instantly.
The moral of the story: Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A donkey had an IQ of 186.
He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-a**....
Why do Jehovah's Witnesses use Macs?
They prefer to not have windows.
[For those that don't get it, their churches, called "Kingdom Halls", frequently are built without windows. The official reason given is to avoid vandalism but the real reason is usually secrecy. Generally if the group builds a church it won't have windows. Source: my ex-wife was a former member]
Facebook. Way to Kingdom of Dead Usernames
The Queen and the Chastity Belt
One day, King Arthur had to leave the kingdom for an extended period. He took his most trusted knight, Lancelot, aside for a moment.
"Lancelot, I fear Guinevere is not entirely faithful to me. Therefore, I have placed a chastity belt upon her. Now I entrust you alone with the key", and with that, placed the key in his hand.
Soon Arthur was on his way. Before he left behind sight of the castle, however, he heard a galloping horse racing up to him. It was Lancelot.
"King Arthur! King Arthur! You've given me the wrong key!"
These are my reigning champion two-liners.
What do you call a kingdom with a lock?
Gate Britan.
.
What do you call an opinionated island?
View Zealand.
How are moles classified?
They are mamoles in the animole kingdom.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What was the s**... princess full of?
Kingdom come
If a king runs a kingdom and an emporer runs an empire. Who's about to run this country?
Yea that
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
United Kingdom: Brexit is the s**... most self destructive act a country could take.
USA : lol, hold my beer
A Saudi prince has come forward saying that they should end the ban placed on women driving in the kingdom.
Interesting, just in time when all global tech giants are in the final stage of trials of their self-driving cars.
Sir John and Chung Lee walking in front of the Buckingham palace
Chung Lee says: "When I see all these flags, my heart fills with joy!"
Sir John:"But you are a Chinese national only visiting the United Kingdom, how so?"
Chung Lee:"Did you ever read the labels on the flags?!"
How would Hyrule be called if it had been Link who created the kingdom?
HYAAAArule.
....
Yeah that was bad....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If a country run by a king is called a kingdom...
What do you call a country run by a con?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and his husband walk into a local church...
A man and his husband walk into a local church, holding hands and being affectionate during the entire ceremony, to the ire of one of the elderly choir women.
Once it has finished, she approaches the two men and quotes from the bible:
>"Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the s**... immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have s**... with men will inherit the kingdom of God"
The man, taken aback, retorts with:
>"Women are to be silent in the churches. They are not permitted to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says."
We used to have kingdoms ran by kings and empires ran by emperors and now we have theresa may
And now it's mayhem
A Priest dies and is waiting in line at heaven's gate.
God to the guy: Who are you?
Guy: I am a Thrissur to Kozhikode Bus driver.
God: Oh! Take this golden robe and enter the kingdom of heaven.
God to the Priest:Who are you?
Priest: I am a Priest. I've spent 35 years preaching good to people.
God:Oh!Take this cotton robe and enter the kingdom of heaven.
Priest: God,How is that the foul mouthed,rash driver gets a golden robe and I who spent all my life preaching about goodness, get a cotton one?
God: Results, my son, results.
While you preached,most people slept. When he drove everyone prayed!
Hey, so they opened a new vietnamese restaurant around the corner, named it Phở King, or something smart like that.
Oh, no I think it's Phở Kingdom.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was once a kingdom, a long, long time ago. where a dragon would eat the virgins of the land.
Then one wonderful day, a hero came to the kingdom. The leader told the hero of their predicament. He told him that every day, the dragon would take a few virgins to his cave to eat. The hero said that he will save the kingdom, and take care of the dragon.
After two weeks, the dragon starved to death.
A king outlawed hunting in his kingdom
Pretty soon, deer and elk populations were out of control, eating the commoners' crops and becoming a general nuisance. The people revolted and overthrew the king, thus making it the first time in history a reign had been called on account of game.
The kingdom of Yemen had a totally different name when it was still a young country.
It was called Oboy.
I know it's bad, but I had to post it somewhere :')
There was a king.
He was having a problem with barbarians in his kingdom, so he began sending guards to patrol the roads at night.
One of his nobles sent some of his city guard to help with the efforts, and a fool to keep the king's mood up.
The king was polite, but full of pride, so he sent the guards back with the message, "I have plenty of guards of my own, but I appreciate the jester."
There were two thieves who were also being crucified next to Jesus. One of them said, Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.
Jesus looked towards the thief and said, Truly I say to you, today you shall be with me in para...ARE THOSE MY SANDALS!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In the onion kingdom, the red onions ruled over all other onions. The red onion King was a well respected ruler. However, one fateful day, the spring onions rebelled.
As the red onion King was thrown from his dais, he turned to the leader of the rebellion. "You'll never truly be King! You're nothing but a shallot-on!"
England is a Kingdom cause it will be run by a King. China is an Empire as it has an Emporer. Why do you think the US is called a country?
Ig the Knight
Once upon a time, there was a soldier named Ig. In a recent battle, Ig showed courage and bravery, saving 20 men by himself!
To honour Ig's heroic act, the Queen of the kingdom was to knight him. Ig knelt before Her Majesty, as she tapped each shoulder of his with a sword. As she finished, Ig the Knight burst into flames! The Queen, astonished by what happened, asked her squire why he lit on fire.
Stunned, the squire spoke, "Ig...Knighted..."
What do you call a food truck run by a Christian
Try Kingdom Crumb
Bless you Carson Wentz
If britains shoelaces come loose, them what is it called?
The untied kingdom.
Trump meets the Queen
So Donald asks the Queen how you get to be king or a duke or other Royalty.
Queen:' Look Donald, an Emperor rules an Empire, a king rules a kingdom, a prince ruled a principality, a duke rules a duchy and so on'
Donald:' I rule the USA, what does that make me'
Queen: that's a country, that makes you a ....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You know how the British used to exile people to Australia?
Seeing how everything there wants to kill you, I'm pretty sure the animal kingdom did the same
A little girl was eating her veggies
Suddenly one of the pea pods came to life and began pleading for its life, "No giant! Please spare me and I will take you to my kingdom where my queen(mother) will reward you with much more than my life!"
With nothing better to do, the girl accepts the offer and follows the talking pea to his kingdom. After a short 20 minute journey they arrive to their destination and the girl is left stunned. The size of the kingdom was humongous and complex, much more than she had previously thought it would be. The town was bulging with the life of the pea pod towns folk. The girl was left blown away with her jaw dropping, as she had finally seen her first pea nest.
Time for Saudi Jokes?
Who knew Dexter was a Muslim?
Who knew Dexter was #1 show in the Kingdom?
Why are Saudi Drs so good? In their Anatomy class they use living cadavers.
And?
A short rhyming history of the British Isles
First, we were a kingdom, and we had kings.
Then, we were an empire, and we had emperors.
Now, we are a country, and we have Brexiteers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know back in the New Kingdom era, high ranking Egyptians were known for f**...?
They all had a toot-in-common
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Squirrels are the f**... of the animal kingdom
They only care about their nut
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
To take down a kingdom, just kill the court jester
Or as they say, go straight for the juggler.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dolphins are the ted bundy of the animal kingdom
r**... murdering psychopaths, but white women love them.
There was a kingdom at the sky conducted by the random caste system.
At the age of 18 everyone gets a random cloud between 1 and 10. 1 is the best. Two friends join to the draw and result arrives. The first one gets the cloud number 5 and rejoices for it. He sees his friend extremely happy and asks "What happened? Did you get the cloud 1?"
"No" he says. "I'm on cloud 9."
So donald trump went to visit the queen of England the other day...
Donald trump went to visit the queen of England the the other day, he says to her:
I'd like to change the name of the united states to the empire of the united states."
and she says "no I'm sorry sir, for you to have an empire you'd need to be an emperor, and you sir are no emperor."
he says "well how about the kingdom of the united states?"
and she says "no I'm sorry sir, for you to have a kingdom you must be a king, and you sir are no king"
he goes "well what then"
and she says "i think it would be best if you stayed a country
I'm going to be a furniture store entrepreneur one day.
My first store will be called "Sofa Kingdom".
My second store will be called "Ottoman Empire."
Then people will say "That's Sofa Kingdom also."
So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity
He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.
Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"
The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"
Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?"
The Queen - "No Vladimir, you need a prince to have a Principality"
Putin - "Then I'm at a loss, what should Russia be"
The Queen - "I think you are quite suited to be a Country, wouldn't you agree"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building
So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.
The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.
The last one is the Christian man. He jumps and starts praying: O u r F a t h e r i n H e a v e n, hallowed be your name. YOUR KINGDOM COME! YOUR WILL... BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA!
