Following is our collection of royal puns and nobles one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including King jokes for adults, dirty sire jokes and clean merlin dad gags for kids.
A receding heir line...
Because noble gases don't cause reactions.
Squire: 384 my liege
king: Ok, round them up
Squire: 400 my liege
They push two twins together to make a king.
5 year old son after reading a story of a king
Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing
Mom : which one will put you to sleep?
Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son
Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?
Son : let them sleep with daddy
Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son
I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."
(removed)
...and it is a Country.
Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I wondered why they were doing that. Then IT hit me.
So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first
- 'Ill have a silver bullet' says the Coors guy
- 'Ill have the king of beers' says the Budweiser guy
- 'Lemonade please' says the head of Guinness
The other two look at him ... 'Lemonade?'
'Well if you're not drinking beer neither am I'
Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".
Genie: Wait, what? Why?
Man: It's for a joke, trust me.
Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?
Man: Yes.
Burger King: Have it your way.
Husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."
Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he's still celebrating!!"
And sharks get a whole week.
It's probably because they are great whites.
Because he wouldn't separate the whites from the blacks.
"Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."
"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner
"To think it over?" asks his majesty.
"No - to fatten her up."
King Philip III
They put two twins together to make a king.
Is it considered a noble gas?
5 year old son after reading story of a king says to his mom:
Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives... one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me
Mom: And which one will put you to sleep
Son: No mom, i will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears.
Mom: God bless you son. But who will sleep with your 3 wives?
Son: Let them sleep with daddy.
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears. God bless you son !
Happy Father's day!
The girl leaned over and said:
Burrr… gurrr… King.
Everyone wants to be Irish on Saint Patrick's Day.
Rodney King, that is.
Two of his most loyal servants found the body, with a sword in the king's chest. One the servants turns to the other and says "Wow, he must have had a bad knight."
Alive
Sir Veillance
Sir Cumference
...after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
A noble gas.
Sir Cumference
Now, the man loves all of Kong's films, so he decides to walk up to him. He says, "wow! King Kong! I'm such a big fan. Sorry to bother you, but do you have time for a photo? "
King Kong suddenly looks up, checks his watch.
He turns to the man and says "sorry, I've a plane to catch".
Push two twins together and make a king.
We called him Martin Loofah King.
One day the king feels the urge to examine his castle dungeons and ensure everything is running smoothly. His examination is going well when he runs across the guy operating the rack. After a bit of conversation the king asks how the rack operator's job is going to which he replies "well, it's just one long 'knight' after another."
Sir Cumference.
Sir Cumfrence
He enters, and says "Your Majesty, I kept my word. Here's the head of the dragon!" and takes the head of the dragon out of the bag.
A royal advisor brings a bag to the king. The king replies "Well, then, I kept my word too. Here's the hand of the princess!"
Reasons are:
1. The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
2. The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
3. The Queen is more powerful than the King.
4. The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
5. Most importantly, there's only one Queen.
Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
McDonalds responded by introducing a 3/5ths pounder.
So I stabbed him while he was sleeping. The succession line has to go on, dad.
They push Two twins together to make a King
Circumference.
Flabbergasted mailman says: "My goodness that was outstanding, wonderful, thank you, I really appreciate it. May I ask why you did all this for me?"
Woman says: "I told my husband you were retiring and suggested we do something for you and he said "screw the mailman, give him a dollar", the lunch was my idea."
Q: Who made King Arthur's table round?
A: Sir Cumference
He was a lousy king, but made a great ruler.
He was legendary for pulling out.
What's the difference between St. Patrick's day and Martin Luther King day?
St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.
He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".
I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"
Confused he said, "mate, I know."
The cashier said what's that?
So I said A whopaaaaaaaa
They get a few shots
He locked her in her room and gave the keys to his minister and ordered him that if I don't come back in 10 days then she is yours. Then the king left. After 20 mins as he was riding on his fast horse he heard someone coming from behind. He stopped for the man and once the other horse rider came close the king saw that he was his minister. The minister came towards the king.
The king said, "didn't I give you a job to do?"
The minister said, " your highness about that.... the keys you gave me are wrong"
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Yeah. X is gonna give IT to ya.
Sir Cumference...
He ate too much Pi...
A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. ''I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal,'' he insists.''She'll eat,'' the husband assures him. ''We share everything.''Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, ''Why aren't you eating?''The wife snaps, ''Because I'm waiting for the teeth!''
It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'
'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. 'Merlin, you are a genius!' cried the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.'
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
'Sir Galahad' exclaimed King Arthur, 'the one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless..
- There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
499
- What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge
- What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge
- The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?
Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.
- Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?
The alligators are all at the birthday party.
- Sally dies anyways. Why?
She got hit in the head by a flying brick
If that's true, then he can't celebrate Father's Day.
A plane carries 500 bricks. 1 falls out. How many bricks are left?
499.
How do you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?
Open the fridge, put in the elephant, and close the fridge.
How do you put a deer in a fridge in 4 steps?
Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in the deer, then close the fridge.
The Lion King is having a party. All the animals are there except for one; who is it?
The deer: He is still in the fridge.
An old lady is crossing a swamp, but it is a crocodile swamp. How does she cross? Normally, all the crocodiles are at the Lion King's party
Mary dies at the edge of the swamp. How?
A brick falls from the sky and kills her.
Knock knock Who's there?
Not Mary
Sir Cumference!
...and I still haven't received one rent check!
No wonder they call him king of the Jews...
499.
What are the 3 steps of putting an elephant into a fridge?
Open fridge, put elephant in fridge, close fridge
What are the 4 steps of putting a giraffe into a fridge?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.
The lion king is hosting a party. All but one of the guests show up. Who is missing?
The giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to go to the party, but she has to cross a crocodile-infested river to get there. She successfully swims across, how?
All the crocodiles are at the party.
Sally dies anyway, why?
She got hit in the head by a falling brick.
…to demonstrate his new plate design. He set it on a stand in the middle of a grand gallery. The king called in his executioner, a dour and muscular man who prided himself in his ability to slice folk exactly in half, to strike the suit. With a sonorous clang! the executioner's heavy sword bounced off of the chest piece. Frustrated, he pointed an accusatory finger at the armorer and cried This is why we can't halve nice things!
Where we push two twins together to make a king.
The Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper
"Two inches less and you'd be a queen", she replied.
There is an abundance of knight jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 67 funniest jokes and king puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any prince witze you can hear about king.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.