Kindly Jokes
59 kindly jokes and hilarious kindly puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about kindly that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Kindly Short Jokes
Short kindly jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The kindly humour may include short politely jokes also.
- What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
- I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast. Since she can't even beat an egg
- When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
- What is a Pirate's favorite letter? The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.
Thanks to everyone who awarded this post! You're so kind . - What's a good name for a detective? Mr. E
* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind - My grandpa warned people the titanic would sink and no one listened. He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
- There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age. Small children and 39 year old's.
- I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." "Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind." - My granddaughter just hit me with this one: what is the biggest kind of ant ? A gi-ant!
I am so proud right now! - What did the redditor say after a stranger gave him a piece of explosive gold? Thanks for the gold, kind stranger
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Kindly One Liners
Which kindly one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with kindly? I can suggest the ones about kindness and gently.
- Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888 So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678
- Do you know how to avoid clickbait? Apparently not.
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- Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying? They were having a mid-life crisis.
- What do you call children born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts
- No matter how kind you are... No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.
- What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon? An Apocaclipse.
- What kind of organization is Atheism? Non-prophet.
- What kind of running means walking? Running out of gas!
- What kind of music do wind turbines like? They're huge metal fans
- what kind of dinosaur has the cleanest teeth? A Flossiraptor
Courtesy of my 6-year old. - When a BMW owner learns to drive... What kind of car do they switch to?
- What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke? Yours.
- Name a vegetable that's kind of cool. Radish
- what kind of fish is made up of 2 atoms only? 2Na
- What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear? Oakley Dokelys
Kindly Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about kindly you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean courteous jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make kindly pranks.
Little Tommy gets asked to stay after class...
so little boy tommy isnt very good at math so his teacher kindly asks him to stay after class so she can help him.He agrees and listens to the teacher as she gives an example.She starts off by saying that if there are 10 birds on a telephone pole and you shoot one off, how many are left? he quickly answers "none". she says "no tommy, there would be 9". he then looks at her and says "thats impossible, obviously if you shoot one off, they would all fly away". she tells him that she likes the way he thinks. he follows up by saying "can i ask you a question miss, if there are 3 ladies holding a lollipop, 1 s**... it, 1 l**... it, and 1 biting it...which one is married? the teacher quickly replies with "the one s**... it". he looks at her and says "no, the one with the ring on her finger, **but** i like the way you think
An old man in tears
A young man taking a walk in a park comes across an elderly man sitting on a bench in tears. Touched by the poor man's sorrow, he kindly asks, "Please sir, why are you crying?"
The old man replies, "I have a beautiful 21 year old wife who makes love to me every night!"
Confused, the young man replies, "I still don't understand why you're crying."
The elderly man sobs, "I forgot where I live."
The man says to the bartender...
"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"
[THIS IS A REQUEST; DO NOT UPVOTE] Does anyone have a joke where the audience of the joke says the punchline?
If this isn't the right place for this, kindly redirect me.
Jesus was making his usual rounds in heaven
when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
"See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, you've got all could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?"
"Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only , dearly beloved son at an early age. Here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him."
Tears sprang to Jesus' eyes. "Father!" He cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, "Pinnocchio!"
Medical checkup
An elderly man goes to the doctor for his yearly medical checkup.
The doctor, a kindly man with a slight stutter, asks his patient:
"So, how's the prost-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tate doing?"
The man thinks for a moment, then replies:
"Well... you could say I pee the way you speak."
Everyone's so politically correct these days.
You can't even say "black paint" anymore. You have to say "Tyrone, would you kindly paint my fence?"
Two twins, Tom and Harry.
There were two twins, Tom and Harry. Tom was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that Harry's wife died the same day Tom's boat sank.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Tom and mistaking him for Harry said I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must be feeling terrible.
Tom, thinking she was talking about his boat said Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle
The old woman fainted hearing all this.
The IT department hates me
I finish my delicious cup of morning coffee and kindly let them know "I successfully downloaded java again!"
My favourite taxi cab prank....
My favourite taxi cab prank.
First, approach the lead cab in a rank and ask if they can take you somewhere you want to go. However, explain that you don't have any money, but you will give them a b**... in recompense.
When they tell you to please, kindly, go away, walk to the next up the rank and ask the same.
Do this again at the third cab, and then at the fourth cab ask if they can take you to this place, but ask how much, when they tell you, agree and get in. Explain that the drivers in front didn't want to go to that part of town, or asked for too much.
As the cab pulls out and drives past the front three cabs, lean out the window, and give them all a big thumbs up and a wink.
Baldness
A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out.
"Won't you give me something to keep it in?" he begged.
"Take this," the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pill box.
Kindly let me help you or you will drown, ...
...said the monkey putting the fish safely up a tree.
Political Correctness has gone mad...
You can't even say "Black paint" anymore, you have to say "Jamal would you please kindly help me paint my fence."
Once Upon A Time There Was A Fat Woman
A Fat Woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?
Mirror: Kindly move aside. I can't see anything.
A man is sitting in his dentist's waiting room and is visibly nervous.
A kindly nurse comes up to him and says, "Sir don't be nervous, the first time is always the hardest." The gentleman looks up at her and exclaims, 'Don't 'First Time,' me tutz - I've been to the Dentist a million times and I know the drill!"
I hate how politically correct we have become as a society ...
You can't even say black paint anymore. Now you have to say, "Jamal kindly paint my house?"
TIFU by eating someone else's sandwich at work
After apologizing for my mistake, I kindly offered to take them to a restaurant of their choice after work. They happily agreed. We ended up going to a Chinese place. We had a good time. We're really good friends now.
I was such an ugly baby...
I was such an ugly baby...My Mom was pushing me in a pram one day and was so upset with folk's reaction to her ugly baby. She sat down on a park bench and the tears began to flow. A kindly stranger noticed her tearfully rocking the pram and decided to do a good deed. He bought a large ice cream and handed it to her. 'Listen, dear,' he said, 'I know you have problems, you don't have to tell me what they are, but hopefully this will cheer you up.' My Mom smiled through her tears and accepted the ice cream. The kind stranger returned the smile then held out his other hand and said, 'And here is a bag of nuts for the monkey!'
Just last week a smiling Barack Obama overpaid for hot dogs at my stand, but kindly insisted I "keep the change, son, I don't want it"
It was at this moment I realized how far our beloved president had truly fallen.
An Englishman comes to Harvard.
Unable to find out the way to the library, he approaches an undergrad. The subsequent conversation is as follows-
Englishman: Excuse me. Could you kindly enlighten me where the library is at?
Undergrad: It's Harvard. People don't end sentences with a preposition here.
Englishman: Oh, I see. Could you kindly enlighten me where the library is at, a**...?
Speeding Ticket
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her if he could kindly see her license.
She replied in a huff 'I wish you guys would get your act together, just yesterday you took away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
Little girl sits crying on a park bench
An kindly old lady stops and asks her what's the matter?
The girl says 'I had six kittens, but my mommy drowned five of them!'
The old lady tries to console her 'That's terrible, dear, but at least you still have one kitten...'
'I know,' replies the girl, 'but she promised I could drown all six.'
People are so sensitive nowadays that you can't say "Could you paint the fence black?"
Now you have to say "Jamal, would you kindly paint the fence?"
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Harry prays to God:
Dear lord, please make me win the lottery.
The next day Harry begs the lord again: please God, make me win the lottery!
The next day Harry begs the lord yet again: please, please dear lord, make me win the lottery!
Then suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy yourself a lottery ticket?
Old western stranger
An old man sitting at the edge of an old western town sees a silhouette approaching from the dusty horizon. Its not long before he realizes that it is a 3 legged dog limping toward him. The old man shouts a warning to the dog "we dont take kindly to strangers around here". The 3 legged dog limps like john wayne while slowly raising his gaze up to look straight into the old mans eyes with a piercing stare and says" Im lookin for the man who shot my paw"
A priest notices a little boy down the street
Trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
An English couple is driving through central Canada and realize that they're lost, so they pull over and ask a local which city they're in,
The local kindly replies "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The couple says thank you, and leave. "Did you understand that?" The woman asks the man.
"No, he didn't even speak English!"
Ronaldo was so gracious to help Cavani off the pitch
So Cavani kindly returned the favour.
A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?
Mirror: Kindly move aside. I can't see anything.
A kindly old man is walking by the seaside when he sees three lovely young ladies crying their eyes out.
So he says, "Dear me, you poor things, so miserable on such a lovely day as this! Come and have a cup of tea and let's see if we can't make you feel better."
Won over by his twinkly-eyed charm, the three young ladies manage to dry their eyes and they follow him to a chintzy little seaside cafe where he orders a slice of Victoria sponge cake all round and a p**... of tea for four.
When the tea and cake arrives, he smiles sweetly and says, "Now, who's going to be mother?"
And all three young ladies burst into tears again.
My teachers at school were like Gandalf the Grey...
...not kindly and wise and guiding me to wisdom; more standing in front of me, waving a cane and shouting "You shall not pass!"
[Phone Conversation] Hi, would you be interested to buy insurance?
I remember this from some movie… I don't remember which one. If someone knows kindly put it down the title as reply.
*\[Phone Conversation\]*
**Marketer:** Hi, would you be interested to buy insurance?
**Person:** Hey. I'm a bit busy, can I call you back later about this?
**Marketer:** Sorry sir, this number doesn't take incoming calls.
**Person:** Oh.. Well can I get your home number so I can call you later about this?
**Marketer:** No, that wouldn't be possible.
**Person:** Why? You don't like people calling you up when your at home, do you?
**Marketer:** Yes.
**Person:** So now you know how it feels. \* drops call \*
A man goes into a Chinese restaurant and sees people dressed like vikings
"Excuse me, ladies and gentleman. I am a well traveled man and the atmosphere of my excursions must be perfect. I must kindly ask you to leave."
A big, muscular man dressed in Viking armor walked up to the man and said
"Norway"
An old man was walking down the street one day when he observed a small boy struggling to reach the doorbell at one of the houses.
The kindly old man said to the boy, Can I help you with that sonny?
At which point he smiled, placed a comforting hand on the boy's shoulder whilst pressing the doorbell firmly with his other hand.
There , said the old man, as he stepped back from the door. Now what do we do young man?
We run like h**... mister , the boy replied.
It is a hot summer day in texas...
Gay guy walks into a bar and says, "sir may I have a glass of water it's so hot and I'm thirsty." Bartender goes, "sorry, we don't take too kindly to you her you gotta leave before you start trouble." Gay guy goes, "please sir! I will go sit in the corner I won't bother anybody I promise." Bartender says alright.
Gay guy is sitting in the corner drinking his water minding his own buisness. Barely anybody knows he's there. Then the most clichè cowboy walks in and declares, "Boy it is so hot I can lick the sweat off a bulls b**...!" Gay guy stands up and says, "Moo moo!"
A man is driving down a country road when he finds himself hopelessly lost.
He pulls over when he sees a farmer leaning up against a fence next to a dog. The man walks up to the farmer and asks him for directions, and the farmer kindly shows him on his way. Before he leaves, the man asks, "excuse me, does your dog bite?"
The farmer says "no he don't bite."
The man goes to pet the dog, and the dog growls and takes a big chunk out of the man's hand, biting down hard with his teeth.
The man pulls back and yells "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite?"
The farmer says "That ain't my dog."
I tried eating the whole Taco Bell menu once..
They kindly asked me to get off the counter
There were two Qanon believers who were absolutely convinced that Trump won the 2020 election
They were traveling together and were killed in a traffic accident. When they got to heaven, God met them and told them that he'd reveal anything about Earthly life they'd always wanted to know. They asked him how Biden stole the 2020 election. God looked kindly upon them and said, Biden didn't steal the 2020 election. He won fairly.
The first one looked at the second and said, This goes higher than we thought!
Problems
Husband approaches his wife, Jenny, I think I have a problem.
Jenny smiles at him kindly, Darling, your problems are my problem also. A trouble shared is a trouble halved. Tell me.
OK, says the husband, in that case, we got the neighbor pregnant.
A little old man goes to the ice cream parlor.
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Bar ad:
Due to the need for social distancing, the bar is operating at 1/3 of its capacity. Therefore, we kindly ask those who cannot drink for three to leave and give way to the professionals!
A blind woman got on a bus. Sadly, all the seats were taken.
A man noticed that no one else on the bus was willing to give up their seat for the blind woman, so he kindly guided her to his seat and took a standing spot. As the bus started up, the man frowned at the others for their selfishness.
Later that day, the man came home in tears, covered in bruises.
"What's the matter?" asked the man's wife.
"I lost my job as a bus driver."
Two trees in the forest one day noticed a seedling that was growing between them.
But the trees were so tall, they couldn't tell what kind tree it was.
One day a kindly b**... came by, and the two trees asked the b**... if he could tell them what kind of tree was growing between them.
The b**... started nibbling at the seedling and said, That's no son of a beech. He nibbled a little more and said, That's no son of a birch.
He nibbled a little bit more, and exclaimed, But that's the best piece of ash I've had in a long time!
