kinda Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious kinda puns

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

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I know global warming is bad

but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?

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Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

Kinda like yo momma.

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TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than mount Everest

Kinda obvious. Considering mount Everest can't fly

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I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer

Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice

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Fat Girls

Last night I was having some wings and beer with a coworker after work. There were these two pretty, but kinda fat girls drinking at the bar and being loud. They had what I could have sworn was a Scottish accent.

I'm a big fan of girls from the UK, so I struck up a conversation. I asked them, "So... you two ladies are from Scotland?"

I could see immediately that I had offended them. The brunette scowled and said, hotly, "WALES!"

I apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"

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Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I'd rather not... I kinda want this job.

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My first highschool football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was pretty roughed up, sore, and kinda bloody, but at least my dad came (:

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Poor Boudreaux . . .

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession.

"Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site."

Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm afraid that someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."

Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."

Priest: "What did you do with it?

Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."

Priest: "OK, anything else?"

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two-car garage."

Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."

Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."

Priest: "Yes?"

Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms and a new bathroom."

Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"

Boudreaux: "No, Father ... but if you got the plans, I got the lumber."

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Every "yo mamma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of people.

Kinda like yo mamma.

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The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

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A man rolls thru a STOP sign and a cop pulls him over

"I pulled you over because you failed to stop at that stop sign. You only slowed down."


"Slow down... stop... what's the difference?"


The cop pulls the man out of his car and begins beating him with his nightstick.

"Now you tell me whether you want me to stop... or slow down."

*This joke was told to me by a police officer, which made it kinda scary.

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Kinda scared for 2017

Because 2+0+1+7 is 10 - the exact number of nipples Hitler would have if he had 8 more

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The two old-timers...

...were having a chat over the back fence.


"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."


"Why's that, Clem?"


"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love to your wife."


"Pfft! That shows how bad your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"

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How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only two, but its kinda hard to get em in there.

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Damn girl, your ass is like an avacado

It's that good kinda fat

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I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier...

It could be a terminal illness.

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Kinda corny but it did actually crack me up...

Q. What do you get if you insert human DNA into a chimpanzee?
A. Banned from the Zoo.

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A farmer goes to the market to buy a rooster

He sees one he likes, so he asks the seller:"Is he any good for mating?"

"Oh, no problem there, he screwed every single chicken I had. He even tries to screw ducks, turkeys, even pigs!"

"Then why" asks the puzzled farmer "are you even selling him?"

"You see" answers the seller "lately he's been looking at me kinda funny."

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Ok, so my neighbours officially hate me.

Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.

So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbour's house was on fire!

Well, when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever..

Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....

Talk about bad timing...

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Two of my favorite jokes by my favorite comedian

"Me and girlfriend..... we're not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I've heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend."

"My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore.
When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head." - Anthony Jeselnik

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A homeless man told me this one. (Kinda NSFW)

Why do women have two pairs of lips?

One to bitch with, and one to apologize with.

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I like playing chess with bald people in the park

The problem is, it's kinda hard to find 32 of them

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I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

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Marriage is like having your favorite meal every day...

At first, it's great! But after a week, you're thinking, "Eh, I kinda feel like having Asian tonight."

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Pooping is kinda like being in a relationship...

It's amazing at first but when it's over you feel empty inside.

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I once saw an Arab on a flight....

I was kinda shocked when I saw him and looked on him with suspicion. Then he understood what I was thinking and approaching me, he said, "Not all Muslims are terrorists" and we laughed so hard that his grenades fell out of his pocket.

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You woman gotta' realise, making us sleep on the couch ain't that bad...

It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping. With an angry bear nearby.

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*Pollen accidentally enters body*

Immune system: What the hell is that?

Pollen: Oh hey. Sorry. We got a bit lost. The wind kinda bl-

Immune system: OH GOD WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!

Pollen: What?! No! We just got lo-

Immune system: OPEN THE FLOODGATES!

Pollen: The what?

Mucus membranes: Sir. All the floodgates?

Immune system: ALL OF THEM!

Pollen: Wait. Wait. You don't... Oh shi-

[Dramatic music]

Me: *sneezes*

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Non alcoholic beer is kinda like eating out your sister

It tastes the same, but it feels wrong

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I've never liked the guy who sang Take On Me...

He always seemed kinda sketchy.

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I met a little boy today.

He was sitting on the curb, dressed in rags. He had his face in his hands and it looked like he was crying.


I felt kinda bad he was all alone, so I went and sat down beside him.


I said, "Are you an orphan, little guy?"


As he looked up, his eyes were still red and his cheeks still wet. He managed to crack a small smile.


"Yeah. What gave me away?"


I leaned in close and whispered,



"Your parents."

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Which one of you am I going to have to fight?

My father told me a story about his uncle. He said that my Uncle was in a town on business and after dinner when walking back to his hotel 7 men suddenly surrounded him and demanded his wallet. My Uncle being the hard ass he is asks the men "well, which one of you am I going to have to fight?" The men looked at him kinda weird and one man finally spoke up and said "no I don't think you understand. You're going to have to fight all of us." My Uncle calmly pulled out his revolver and said "nah, you don't understand! See I'm going to shoot six of you, so which one am I going to have to fight?"

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I saw some crippled kid getting picked on the other day...

He got kinda upset with me when I told him to stand up for himself.

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I heard that 1 in every 4 men are gay...

I hope it's Steve. He's kinda cute.

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Why don't I like trees?

They look kinda shady to me

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Friends are like bricks

it's kinda funny when you throw them through a window

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Star wars dad joke heard tonight

Dad "Chewbacca seems kinda big for an ewok..."

Me "he's a wookie. "

Dad "he can't be, he's been in lots of movies now."

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What kinda meat does a priest eat on Friday?

nun

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Two friends are talking to each other, and one says to the other,

"I've been kinda worried about you man, you're kinda in a slump right now, you seem kinda depressed."

The other looked at him in a state of shock, and said,

"You're a great friend, but you don't have to worry about me, suicide'll be the last thing I do."

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Wonder woman

Superman was kinda bored so he just started flying around looking for something to do. He's flying over Wonder Woman's house and sees her bedroom window is open. He stops for a glimpse and sees her lying on her bed naked. She's lying there and squirming around looking real hot.

Superman was getting turned on looking at her so he decides what the hell, I can just fly in real quick, give her the ole' in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all he is Superman. So, in he goes, wham-bam and he's out of there.

Wonder Woman knew something happened and says, "What was that?" The invisible man says, "I don't know but, damn, is my ass sore."

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My kinda Dr.

a woman goes to a new gynocologist for the first time, for her annual pap smear. as the dr.is getting everything ready, and the woman is in the usual position, the dr. explains that there will be some discomfort. he then asks if she would like to numb the area first so she is more comfortable. she tells the dr. *yes please* and he then proceeds to bury his face between her legs and says...num num numnum...

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What do you call a vegetable that's only kinda cool?

Radish

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Fat chicks.

Last night I was having some wings and beer with a coworker after work. There were these two pretty, but kinda fat girls drinking at the bar and being loud. They had what I could have sworn was a Scottish accent.
I'm a big fan of girls from the UK, so I struck up a conversation. I asked them, "So... you two ladies are from Scotland?"
I could see immediately that I had offended them. The brunette scowled and said, hotly, "WALES!"
I apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"

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So last night I fell off my balcony...

Instead of falling and getting really badly hurt, I kinda just floated down to the ground... landing without a scratch.

The news spread fast and everyone was wondering how that happened. I was later asked to explain the whole event, but I couldn't. I guess I just didn't get the whole gravity of the situation.

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I was at a bar..

Last night I was having some wings and beer with a coworker after work. There were these two pretty, but kinda fat girls drinking at the bar and being loud. They had what I could have sworn was a Scottish accent.
I'm a big fan of girls from the UK, so I struck up a conversation. I asked them, "So... you two ladies are from Scotland?"
I could see immediately that I had offended them. The brunette scowled and said, hotly, "WALES!"
I apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Scotland?"

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Russian Americans on chess (true story)

I was working with a Russian bike mechanic named Dmitri when my friend who came into the shop frequently started dating someone who was extremely good at chess. The chess player came into the shop one day so I said to Dmitri "Hey, Dmitri, you play chess don't you?"

"No. No, no not play chess."

"What do you mean 'not play chess'? I thought you all were supposed to be good at that kinda thing."

"No, no, prefer checkers"

"Checkers?! Why don't you like chess, Dmitri?"

"Because! If smart good at chess, not be bike mechanic! And when bored play chess fall asleep and (he slumps forwad) *pop* out your eye! Checkers only bruises."

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No one really expected the Avatar porn

It kinda just came out of the blue

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A wife comes downstairs to her husband and says...

A wife comes downstairs to her husband and says...

"I've got a surprise for you. You know how we haven't been at it for a while and I've kinda let things go down their? Well, I've shaved everywhere under my eyebrows and I'm ready for some fun!"

Looking rather disappointed, the husband let out a sigh and went back to reading his paper.

"What's the problem?" His wife asked.

"Well now I've got to clean the fucking plughole."

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I'm turning 32 in a few months and I'm kinda depressed about it. I only get to celebrate my birthday for half a minute....

It's my thirty second birthday...

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A son runs to his dad screaming: "Dad, I think I'm gay!"

The dad says: "And why's that?"

The child replies: "I think that Justin Bieber is kinda hot..."

The dad then says: "That doesn't mean you're gay, you just have a really bad taste in women!"

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What is a kinda cool vegetable?

Radish

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Well I've never been fucked before

One day I was walking along the street when I saw a young homeless woman with no arms and no legs sitting on the sidewalk. I felt kinda sorry for her, so I sat down next to her and started chatting.

When I was about to leave, she said, "I've never been hugged before." So I gave her a hug.

The next day, we did the same thing, but she said, "I've never been kissed before." So I kissed her on the cheek.

The third day, we had another long discussion, and she said at the end, "Well, I've never been fucked before." So I threw her in the middle of the street and said, "Well now you're fucked."

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A guy visits an apple farm...

"What kinda apples ya got?" He says to the farmer.
"I have an apple for every taste. Name anything, and ill have an apple that tastes like it."
"Okay..." he says, skeptically, "do you have an apple that tastes like peanut butter and jelly?"
The farmer walks down a row, comes back and hands the man an apple. "Try it." He says.
The man takes a bite and "Wow!" he exclaims. "That tastes just like peanut butter!"
"Turn it around and take another bite" says the farmer.
The man turns the apple around. "That tastes just like jelly!! I'm amazed. What about an apple that tastes like ham and cheese?" He asks.
The farmer walks down a different and returns with an apple.
The man takes a bite. "Just like country ham!"
"Turn it around" says the farmer.
"Wow! Swish cheese! This is amazing!" The man says. "What about uh...what about an apple that tastes like pussy...?" He asks cautiously.
The farmer walks down yet another row. He returns and hands the man another apple.
The man takes a bite and is immediately disgusted. "That tastes like shit!" He yells.
The farmer turns to him and says " Well turn it around."

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Witch Doctor

(If this joke offends you, I'm sorry. There's the door.)

So this guy walks into a bar and orders two beers. He downs one and empties the other into his pocket. He orders a second round and does the same thing.

After a couple more rounds of this the bartender gets kinda worried and says to the man "You know, it's your money and your beer, so who am I to say what you can and can't do with it... I'd just hate to think you're making a mess I'll have to clean up."

The man looks at him and says "Not to worry, I have an eight inch man
In my pocket drinking all those beers."

Incredulous, the bartender say that's impossible. So the man reaches in his pocket and pulls out an eight inch tall man who he sets on the bar. He walks around a bit and the bartender hands him another beer which he begins to drink.

Turning back to the regular sized man, the bartender asks "does he talk?"

The man laughs and says "Sure he talks! Hey, Kevin, tell him about the time you called that witch doctor a stupid nigger."

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Just found this Sub and it made my day.

It was half eaten and tasted kinda funky though.

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A priest, an Imam, and a Rabbi walk into a bar...

The bartender looks up and says: "What is this, some kinda joke?"

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Dark humor never gets old.

Kinda like a kid with cancer.

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What kinda room has no doors and no windows?

A mushroom.

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Kinda of a shitty joke but......

Shortly after a British Airways flight had
reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:


'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto .
The weather ahead is good, so we should have
a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on
the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared
you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally
spille a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should
see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled...'For gods sake ........ You should see the
back of mine!!!'

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Sex, for men, is kinda like pizza...

When it's good, it's REALLY GOOD. And when it's bad... meh it's still pretty good.

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Scientific experiment (Russian joke, translated)

Three scientists decided to see what will happen if they plug elephant's ass and feed him heavily for 1 month. After first two weeks however they realised that it might be kinda dangerous to pull the plug out so they trained a lab monkey to do it. A month have passed and it was time to see the results of the experiment. Scientists walked away from the elephant and monkey pulled out the plug unleashing the shitwave.

When flow stopped, a guy that happened to stand further than the others decided to help his friends. He found second scientist standing waist-deep in poop, dug him out, and they both went to find the third guy. Soon they found him - completely covered in shit, but laughing hysterically.

"What the hell, man?" - they asked - "That's a catastrophe, it's not really funny"
"Yeah, I know" - he replied - "But you should've seen monkey's face when it was trying to shove the plug back"

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How funny are jokes about communism?

Equally as funny as any other joke.






Lol just spent the last 3 hours kinda piecing this together, hope someone likes it.

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A man is sitting next to a woman on an airplane

She sneezes, and kind of tenses up. The man looks over, then looks away. The woman sneezes again, and tenses up kinda shaking. He looks over, watches her. She sneezes about 4 more times. Now she is violently shaking he asks, are you okay? A bit worried, she reply's, yes! I have this disease where every time I sneeze, I orgasm! He says, oh my goodness, are you taking anything for that? She reply's with a smile, of course! Pepper.

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Best joke found in a college text book. nsfw kinda

A little 4yr old boy was taking a bath with his mother when he noticed that there was something different down there.. He then looks up at his mother and asks "mommy whats that?" the mom cought off guard says "well son, that is where god hit me with his axe." the son then responds "WOW he got you right in the cunt, eh?!"

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I'm a glass is always half empty kinda guy.

I'm not pessimistic, I'm just a raging alcoholic.

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Pickle Slicer

So a guy comes home from work, kinda bummed out, and his wife asked "What's wrong dear?" The fella says "Every day when I leave work I have the urge to stick my finger in the bottom of the pickle slicer." His wife replies "Well, if it bothers you that much then do it, but I don't want to hear about you getting hurt."

So the next day the guy comes home with a black eye and his wife asks what happened. "Remember what I said about putting my finger in the bottom of the pickle slicer?" And the wife says "Uh, yeah - how did that work out?"

"Well, I should have asked her first!"

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It's kinda corny...

What did baby corn say to momma corn?


"Where's pop corn?"

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So I went into Mcdonalds and ordered some fries.

There was a chubby girl working, she seemed busy and kinda stressed out. She informed me the fries are cooking, and will be ready in about 3 minutes. I told her "no problem" and waited for my fries. After a few minutes she brought me my order and said "sorry about the wait" I said "no problem chubby, you're bound to lose it sometime".

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I'm kinda terrified for 2015

2 + 0 + 1 + 5 = 8.
The EXACT number of nipples Hitler would've had if he had 6 more nipples!

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My mom and I were at church Sunday morning

We left the house in the usual hurry.
We made it to church and I was felling kinda sick.I told my Mom and she says to go out
side the frontdoor and she'd be out to check on me.I was about to spew so I ran towards
the door.A few minutes later I returned to my seat.Mom was surprised to see me back so quickly.
You didn't make it outside ,did you?
Didn't have to Mom ,there was a box by the door that said "for the sick or elderly"

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You know how Brussels sprouts and anal sex are kinda the same??

If you're forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't like it as an adult

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What happened when Isaac Newton met the apple?

He found the apple was a surprisingly down-to-Earth kinda guy.

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Two blondes go camping

After a few hours, 1 blonde says she needs to take a poop, but they forgot to walk with toilet paper. The second blonde says " do you have a dollar? " yes, says the first blonde. Well you can use that to wipe, replied the second blonde.

After a few minutes, the first blonde emerges from the bushes with her hands covered in poop. What happened? I thought you had a dollar to wipe? Says the blonde. Yes, I did , but it's kinda hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickle , says the other blonde.

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Dark humor is kinda like food....

Not everyone gets it.

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A nudist walks into a bar...

He sits down at a barstool and asks the bartender for a pint. The bartender brings him a pint and says, "Hey son, I noticed you had a butt plug in when you walked in. Kinda odd for a nudist like yourself, don't you think?"

The nudists sighs and says, "There is actually a story behind that but that is for another time." Thus ends the conversation for the time being. The bartender is still somewhat curious so a short time later he comes over and asks again.

The nudist seems uncomfortable but in the end he agrees and says, "I was out for my daily walk last night along the beach when I tripped and fell on a magic lamp. I was genuinely inquisitive so I gave that magic lamp a little rub and wouldn't you know it? A genie popped out and offered to grant me one wish."

"Wow," remarked the bartender, "What did you say to the genie after that?"

"No shit!" the nudist replied.

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Smart Chihuahua

A Chihuahua was lost in the jungle. Walking along he saw a dead bear. He didn't even know what to make of it. Suddenly he heard something off in the distance. Knowing it was a predator he thought quickly, speaking out loud to himself he said "Killing this bear wasn't as hard as it looked.... Kinda gets me in a blood thirsty mood."

The Cheetah who had shown up tracking the scent of meat and not knowing what a Chihuahua was, decided he better not risk it and turned around taking off into the jungle.

A monkey overhead saw the whole thing. Thinking he could barter a deal from the Cheetah for protection he took off after the Cheetah to inform him of the ruse.

The cheetah was furious and decided to go back and kill that chihuahua slowly and painfully.

The chihuahua having seen the monkey and figuring out his plan was waiting. About the time the cheetah got in ear shot he said to himself "Now where is that damn monkey? I told him to bring me back something else to kill."

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So one of the programmers for Aliens:Colonial Marines passes away...

And he's at the pearly gates. St. Peter's walks up to him and says, "Hey, so God's been implementing this new thing where he's giving people a choice between heaven and hell. You can take a peek at both but have to make a choice and will be there for all eternity."

So, the program takes a peek into heaven. Rather boring, kinda like a nice little suburb with angels and such, but nothing too intriguing. Afterwards, the programmer goes and checks out hell and his mind is blown, it's pretty much a fiesta, and a complete orgy all in one.

The programmer says, "Hell, hell. I choose hell," and thus goes to hell.

About three months later, St. Peters went to check on the programmer. He found the programmer covered in feces, which was on fire, screaming in torment and rage, as tiny devils came with pitch forks to mutilate his testes.

"What's the deal Peter," the programmer said. "Everything was like a beautiful, sexy party and now hell is terrible."

St Peter replied, "Yeah, that was just the demo."

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So a man asked a woman " I'll pay you a million dollars to sleep with me" she said "yes" the man then asked "what can I get for a dollar?" She said "what kinda person do you think I am?"

The man replied "that's already been determined. I'm negotiating."

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Kinda nerdy IT thing that escaped my mouth today at work...

I'd set up a server and tested everything internally. I was able to visit pages on the apache server, and make calls to the tomcat rest api servlet just fine.

However, when I tried external tests nothing worked. I checked, rechecked and verified the firewall was allowing the correct ports through, the router had the correct port forwarding settings, and that apache and tomcat servers were set to those ports.

After a couple hours of pulling my hair out, on a whim I decided to check our internet providers, Cox, policies on incoming traffic. It turns out they don't allow certain ports access, for security reasons.

Finally having found the answer, in a room full of people, in astonishment I exclaimed, "I've been Cox blocked!"

(sorry all, I know it's really punny, but true stories occasionally are)

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What do you call someone who is kinda into Judaism?

Jew-ish.

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Have you guys heard about the drastic effects of erosion on the Great Pyramids?

Yeah, they're kinda pointless now.

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Today's weather is like Iran: sometimes Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

I might be going to hell for this, but I thought it was kinda funny.

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I don't think Flounder I caught today was very happy with me.

He was looking at me kinda sideways.

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Sex is kinda like pizza...

It tastes better without rubber.

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I went to a 4-year olds birthday party once, it was kinda awkward...

...probably because I wasn't invited...

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I'm kinda like Titanic when it comes to meeting people

Not that great at breaking the ice

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A woman answers her door...

And a man is standing in the doorway. He says, "lady I'm sorry, but I think I just hit your cat." The lady replies, " oh no, I don't think so, he hardly ever gets out of the house." The man says, "well it came running out of your yard." The woman then asks, "what does it look like?" The man says, "well it looks kinda flat and runny." "No what did it look like before you hit it?". "Surprised. "

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3 dwarves. (kinda nsfw)

3 dwarves (very short fellas. Like the size of a thumb) are all looking for a place to live. They go around the world looking and finally decide the best place to settle down is on a womans body. The first one decides that he wants to live between the breasts. The second one chooses the stomach and the third one makes the vagina his home.
So they meet in a few days in a local bar ( god knows where that is) and start talking.
The first one says: "I kinda like it here. I look out of my house and there are these two beautiful mountains on either side. Haven't climbed them yet, but the scenery should be great."
The second one says: "Man, I was looking for a place to live and fell in a god damn hole. Was stuck there for two days. Not a good experience so far."
The third one replies: "Well, if you think you've had it rough, listen to this: I found a nice little place to live in. Warm, cozy. It was all nice until some bald bloke came in. I asked him what he wants and when he didn't answer i kicked his ass. Then a couple of minutes later the same bald bloke came, but with a yellow rubber over his head. Thought i wouldn't recognize him. Pfft. Got his ass whooped again."

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My wife asked: You're pretty proud of your self for that one aren't you? With only a slight smirk on her face.

So we were out to eat with the kids. My son, Ronin, is 1 yrs old and was kinda sick; coughing. We ordered some beers and she got a Chocolate Coffee stout. My son is hacking up a lung and I say to my wife: "Your beer is a lot like Ronin right now". She said "How's that?" I said, "They are both a little coughy.

Maybe this is a dumb Dad joke but if you guys liked it then I can show this post to her to back me up. I was admittedly too proud of this one but lets see what you guys think. Preparing for onslaught in 3...2...

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Daffy Duck is at a convention

...and a groupie comes back to his hotel room and things start to get a bit hot and heavy, and after a while she says to Daffy, "Say, do you have any... you know, *protection*?"

And Daffy says "No, I kinda forgot to bring any, but that's OK, I'll just call reception," and he picks up the phone and taps the number and says, "Hello, room three one two here, would you kindly send a condom up straight away?"

And the receptionist checks the room number and says, "Certainly, anything for you sir, and would you like me to put it on your bill?"

And Daffy shrieks "*What do you take me for, a fucking pervert*?"

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I have a dog named Syndrome.

But it gets kinda awkward when he jumps on someone and I have to shout out, DOWN SYNDROME!

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A woman is cleaning her bathroom...

...and slips. She does the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She calls her husband.

"I'm kinda stuck to the floor...".

He tries to lift her, but can't do it. So he calls a plumber.

They both tried to pull her up, to no avail.

So he says "I'm sorry, but I think we'll have to break the tiles to get her free, and the hospital should do the rest.".

Then the husband says "Hey, we could fondle her instead.".

The plumber, flabbergasted, says "Why?".

"If we get her wet enough, we can slide her over to the kitchen. The tiles there were only $30 per square foot.".

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What's the difference between a gingerbread man and an orange man?

One runs away, the other runs for president.

^^It's ^^kinda ^^my ^^first ^^submission ^^I ^^hope ^^it's ^^ok

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A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, (kinda NSFW)

A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.


After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo Dick."
"How does it work?" asked the businessman.


The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo Dick from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo Dick that door." The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half.


"Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!"


He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo Dick and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo Dick my pussy."
The Voodoo Dick flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo Dick inside her that wouldn't leave her alone.
The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo Dick, my ass."

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I like my women like I like my coffee.

Hot, kinda gross, and picked up at the gas station.

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Penguin Joke (kinda dirty)

One day there was a penguin driving in his car on a hot day. He is driving along when his car breaks down. He has his car towed to a mechanic who tells him that it might be a while to find out what's wrong with his car.

The penguin is getting impatient and it is really hot out. He sees an ice cream shop across the street so he goes over and gets and ice cream cone to cool off. He walks back to the mechanic eating his ice cream which melts and gets all over his face.

He asks the mechanic "did you find out what was wrong with my car." The mechanic looks up at him and says "looks like you blew a seal." The penguin wipes off his face and says "Nope, just ice cream."

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A Brazillian Classic

There was a family with three kids. One day, the eldest kid, Dropey, came up to his mom and asked:

Mommy, why am I called Dropey?

It's because when you were born, a drop of water fell onto your forehead!

Oh, okay!

Then Flowey, the middle kid, got kinda curious, and decided to ask too:

What about me mommy, why am I called Flowey?

It's because when you were born, a little flower fell on top of your head!

Ah, I see!

Then, the youngest kid, Bricky, seeing all this, thought he should ask too:

HURUUUURR AHAHAUHEKAGDKAMNSSS?

A brick, Bricky. That's what fell right onto your face.

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The flu is kinda like my last girlfriend

Lasted for 2 weeks and got it from my best friend

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I used to hate algae...

But now I'm kinda lichen it

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I just read a book on Stockholm Syndrome...

At first it was pretty bad, but by the end I kinda liked it.

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A priest is on a bus (kinda long)...

...and spots a very beautiful nun sitting a couple of rows ahead. He was about to approach her when he remembered that nuns took vows of celibacy. Disheartened, he sat down. The bus driver, noticing this, asked the priest, "What's wrong?" The priest explained his situation to the driver. The driver was silent for a bit, then he said, "I have an idea that can resolve your predicament. I know for a fact that every night, the nun visits the graveyard to pay respect to the dead. What you have to do is dress up like Jesus Christ and she will do anything you command." The priest, doubtful, asked, "Are you sure this will work?" The bus driver responded, "Positively, you just have to try." So the next day, as darkness fell, the priest put on his costume and went to the graveyard. Sure enough, the nun was there. He approached her, and the nun, shocked and amazed by the sight of the Lord, stood silently in awe. The priest then told her to bend over and proceeded to have her way with her. When he was done he removed his costume and exclaimed, "Surprise, it's me, the priest!" The nun, without further ado, removed her veil and said, "Surprise, it's me, the bus driver!"

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Green side up.....

A newlywed couple is taking a tour of their potential first house with their realtor. The realtor shows them the first bedroom upstairs which is a kids bedroom. The realtor is going over the features when he suddenly walks over to the window, opens it up, and shouts "green side up!". The young couple just kinda look at each other and shrug their shoulders. They move on to the next room which is an office. Again, halfway though his description of the space, the realtor goes over to the window. He opens it and shouts, "green side up!". The couple again shrug their shoulders and they move on to the master bedroom. The realtor begins to describe the room and once again, opens the window and yells, "green side up!". This time the husband asks the realtor, "Why is it that every time we tour a new room you open the window and yell green side up?". The realtor replies, "Sorry about that, I have a crew of blonde women laying sod".

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My cousins zodiac sign was cancer. Kinda ironic how she died.

She got eaten by a giant crab.

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A guy is at the doctors...

The doctor tells him "we're gonna need a stool sample, urine sample and a semen sample."

The guy says "Doc, I'm kinda in a hurry, can't you just take my underwear?"

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I kinda want Hillary to win the US election

Just for the sheer irony of her sitting at the desk Monica was under.

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Met this girl in a bar

She was kinda drunk and I didn't start drinking yet. I decided to bet her 2 grand that I could do 3 things she could not. She agreed.


I know I'm gonna get her. I whipped out my dick.


Now I'm out 2 grand.

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Having sex with a blonde is kinda like sitting down onto a warm toilet seat.

Having sex with a blonde is kinda like sitting down onto a warm toilet seat. It feels nice, but you gotta wonder who was there before you.

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I saw Sean Connery build a bookshelf once. He built it wrong and it was kinda crooked. I called him out on it and he told me...

"I'm ashamed of my shelf.

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A lumberjack and a midget simultaneously walk into the restroom at a bar...

As there are only two urinals in the cramped restroom, they are forced to stand next to one another. It's late in the night and the lumberjack is pretty smashed.

He begins to do his business and he sees out of his peripherals that the midget seems to be looking in his direction. He glances down and the midget is looking up at him, winking furiously. The man goes back to his business, but kinda weirded out and annoyed. He looks back down a few second later and the midget is still looking at him, winking furiously.

Being as drunk as he was, the lumberjack loses his temper and suddenly bellows at the midget, "WHAT!!? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WINKING AT!?" To which the midget replies.

"Nothing.. you're just splashing in my eyes."

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My first football game was like the time I lost my virginity.

I mean I kinda cried a little... but at least my dad came.

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I never said...

I never said you were stupid, but when I asked you how to spell Mississippi and you asked me if I meant the river or the state, you kinda caught me offguard.

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Two guys walk into a bar...

which is kinda stupid because the second guy should of seen it.

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1 in 3 guys are gay

I really hope it's my buddy Kyle, he's kinda cute.

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I had sex with a flame thrower

To be honest, it was kinda hot

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My dads favorite

When you're kissing with your honey
and your nose is kinda runny
you may think its kinda funny
but it's not

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I'm an average man...

But sometimes I can get kinda mean

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Woman and the news paper( kinda short)

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. Looking for a man with three qualifications: won't beat me up, won't run away from me, and is great in bed. Two days later her doorbell rings. Hi, I'm Tim. I have no arms so I won't beat you, and no legs so I won't run away. What makes you think you are great in bed? the woman retorts. Tim replies, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

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A blonde and a redhead get on the elevator

The elevator stops on the third floor and a young man gets in.
After he gets off the elevator the blonde looks at the redhead and says "He was kinda cute".
The redhead replies "Yes, but he has dandruff. Someone needs to give him some Head and Shoulders"!
The blonde thinks for a minute and asks "How do you give shoulders?

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THREE vampires walk into a restaurant one casual night.

The host welcomed them in and showed them their seats.

While they were seated, a waiter comes by to ask for their orders:

Vampire 1: "I'm hungry and have saved a lot of money for such an occasion. I'll have a glass of your finest human blood"

Vampire 2: "I'm kinda saving up for stuff, so I'll just have a cup of raw pig blood."

Vampire 3: "I don't have a lot of money with me today, so I'll just have a cup of hot water."

The two vampires and the waiter look at him with contempt

Vampire 3: "What're you looking at me for? I picked this pantyliner from the street so I'm just gonna make tea."

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I'm not an animal rights activist or something...

But i think it's kinda fucked up that they make sweaters out of turtles necks.

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Microsoft-Lover

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers.

The first woman says, My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.

The second woman says, My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.

The third woman just shakes her head and says, My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.

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Why couldn't anyone trust the snowman to do anything?

He was kinda flakey

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So i had sex with this heavier girl at a party last night...

I kinda feel bad cause she was super waisted.

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What type of vegetable is only kinda awesome?

A radish

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I think it's kinda funny people named their kids after US states…

Y'know, names like Carolina, Georgia, Dakota, Virginia, etc. When I have a kid, I'm gonna name him Michigan, just in case some guy named Mitch reincarnates into him.

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Adam's discussion with God

So Adam is walking around the Garden of Eden and he calls out to God that he's kinda bored and lonely. He asks God if he can create someone who is kind and admires and serves him(Adam) in every way. God responds He can, but it's going to cost an arm and a leg, so Adam asks what he can get for a rib.

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I kinda feel sorry for Hitler.

Looking back at some old photos of him, his friends always left him hanging when he went for a high-five.

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Why cant a ghost have children?

Because they have a halloweenie.


(yes I know this is kinda dumb but I found this funny)

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Did you hear about the mathematician who got out of jail?

He's trying to integrate back into society, but you can still kinda differentiate him from others.

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Drunk a grocery store

Drunk guy standing in line at a grocery store looks at the woman in front of him then down at her items at the register.

He says "You must be single"

The woman kinda annoyed but amazed says " OK I'll bite, how did you know that?"

Drunk man looks at her and slurs " Cause you're ugly"

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I've kinda felt like my headphones recently

I've got a severe lack of anything to jack inside of.

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Car Keys

This fella hooks up at the bar - he's stoked they are going to her place.

Long story short they are in bed now and he has his fingers in.. she loves it.. then he kinda gets his hand in.. she is still happy.

Then he gets one arm in, then two arms - 'this is weird - but i'll go for it' he thinks..

Next thing he has his head and shoulders in - and BAM he is ALL the way in.

So.. he is kinda walking around - a bit perplexed., when he sees a bedraggled unshaven man.

'Hey, how long have you been here?'

'Far too fucking long my friend'

'I just got here - I can show you the way out!'

'Fuck that - help me find the car keys and we can drive out'

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There something I don't like about the tree in my font yard.

Seems kinda shady!

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Your face is kinda similar to a planet...

''Oh yeah, Which one?''

''Uranus''

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Hillary Clinton's New Book Is Already A Bestseller, And It Isn't Even Out Yet

Kinda like how she had won all those primaries before anyone got to cast a vote!

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City man starts a farm

A city man moves to the country to start a farm. He goes to town and buys some animals.

First, he buys a rooster, but the lady tells him "Around these parts we call it a cock."

Next, he buys a young hen, but the lady tells him, "Around these parts we call them a pullet."

Finally, he needs to buy a donkey. The lady says, "Only got one left, and he's kinda funny, if he stops moving, you have to scratch behind his ears in order to get him going, and around these parts we call a donkey an ass."

Having gotten his starter animals, the man rides the donkey down the road holding a chicken in each hand. About a mile from home, the donkey stops. He can't scratch the donkey, because he has to hold the chickens, so he just waits, for hours.

Finally, after three hours a young girl comes walking down the road with her father. Exited to finally see somebody the man shouts "Hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass!"

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Timmy came home complaining to his dad that he was being picked on and called gay at school by a boy named Johnny.

Dad: Punch him in the face next time he picks on you son, I won't be mad.

Timmy: Idk, he's kinda cute.

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Ever had to force your dog into taking their medication?

It's the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know you're up to something. So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they don't bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes. But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.

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My doctor told me I need to stop masturbating.

I guess it was kinda getting in the way of the physical.

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Thematically kinda Halloween

Three vampires meet each other in a dark alley completely covered in blood.

1st vampire: Blah! Fellow night dwellers, see that plain with dead herd of cows over there? Yes, my work, is why I'm all bloody.

2nd: Weakling, see those 4 dead people in this alley? Totally sucked all their blood. Now it's all over me.

3rd: See the tall tower over there, guys?

Both: Um, duh, yea.

3rd: Well, I didn't.

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I kinda understand how batteries feel...

...because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

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I don't like rape jokes...

they feel kinda forced.

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It's kinda ironic that 12 kid football team got trapped by water

Judging by the World Cup, I thought every team knew how to dive

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I made a donation to mesothelioma research.

They're kinda limited on funding and doing asbestos they can.

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When you use a knife, you press with the same force but at a much higher pressure.

That's kinda the point.

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Street Fighter is kinda like gay sex

It's got two dudes trying to land a finishing blow.

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What do you call a vegetable that's kinda cool?

Rad-ish.

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Hunting in Montana

Bubba was talking to his friend Carl in Montana. He asked Carl how he liked living in such a rural area. Carl replied "Oh, it's kinda boring. All I do is hunt and fuck." Bubba says "Well, what do ya hunt?" Carl replied "Something to fuck!" (bah-dum-duh-tshh)

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I kinda wish Twix came with three fingers instead of two...

...that way, if someone asks me for one, I can give them the middle finger.

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What are the best Kinda puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Kinda? Well, here are the best jokes about Kinda to have fun with.

Joko Jokes