The Best 96 Kind Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Kind jokes. There are some kind denimdenimdenim jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these kind five kinds of sex puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest Kind Jokes and Puns
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678
What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?
A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.
Since she can't even beat an egg
Do you know how to avoid clickbait?
Apparently not.
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I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan
But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying?
They were having a mid-life crisis.
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts
My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members.
Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!
What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke?
Yours.
You can explore kind hydrox reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean kind thing dad jokes. There are also kind puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What kind of STD's do fish get?
Merm-aids
A rope walked into a bar...
A rope walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!" The rope left, tied his top end, and fluffed out the fringe. He reentered the bar, and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?" "No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."
What kind of doctor is always on call?
An oncologist!
...
I made this one up last night but I'm sure someone has thought of it before.
The last joke my brother made up, before he passed away this week.
Him: "If my name was Ella, and I married Darth Vader. My name would be Elevator". Stupid and corny, but it's exactly the kind of lame jokes he would make.
My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals...
and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."
What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?
Mariguana.
If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?
A swallow
What kind of shoes do paedophiles wear?
White vans
What kind of organization is Atheism?
Non-prophet.
Today I was offered sex by an 18 year old female...
Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the sex I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents
What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear?
Oakley Dokelys
No matter how kind you are...
No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.
What kind of exercise did Jesus do?
Crossfit
I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer
Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice
Obvious media bias
Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal.
My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..
They're two things I'll never see coming.
(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)
What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..
He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.
John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don't serve your kind here.
The superconductor left without resistance.
Two men are golfing at a local golf course
The first man is about to putt when he sees a long funeral procession right near the course. He stops mid-putt, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
The second man is in awe. "Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?
A trophy.
Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.
I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.
The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"
The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."
I was offered sex from a 21 year old girl today
In exchange for that I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standing with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner now available with lemon or vanilla.
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.
His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."
The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."
Every time it rains I find my wife standing at the window, looking kind of sad.
Maybe I should let her inside.
What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie?
That's a Moray.
What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms?
2 Na
After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."
Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.
Two wind turbines are talking to each other...
One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?"
The other turbine replies, "Well...I'm a big metal fan."
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."
What kind of music do wind turbines like?
They're huge metal fans
I waved the waitress over to our table.
I said, "Could you get the bill for us?"
She said, "Absolutely."
I said, "Thanks. We're kind of broke."
I tried asking a Ouija Board for the name of my future wife.
The planchette kept moving from H to A and back. What kind of name is Hahaha?
Name a vegetable that's kind of cool.
Radish
I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool.
I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.
I kind of understand where anti-vaxxers coming from.
They were surely vaccinated as children, and look how retarded they turned out to be.
After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange
She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."
Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."
What kind of sweater do cops wear?
A pullover.
Two windmills are sitting on a hill. One turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?"
The other windmill replies "I'm a big metal fan."
What's the rudest kind of elf? Nsfw
A go fuckyourself
What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?
An Apocaclipse.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other
Retards
A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.
The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the water, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.
"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
"How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?" replied the pilot.
"It was a dictatorship."
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
What's a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind
Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?
The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.
What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas!
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.
He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try
Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.
"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."
"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."
Johnny then frowned.
"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"
What kind of clothing do Karens wear?
A lawsuit.
No matter how kind you are,
German children are always Kinder.
A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.
His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"
"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"
A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"
The kid ignores him.
"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"
The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."
"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."
The bubonic plague, the flu, and HIV walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What is this? Some kind of sick joke?".
An African man visits his friend in the US
I just flew in yesterday the African man says And boy are my arms tired!
You know, that's kind of an old joke here in America replied his friend.
Joke? The African man said. I've been holding my hands in the air yelling 'don't shoot' ever since I got to this damn country .
OMG there's a wolf!
Where?
No, the regular kind.
Stung...
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."
"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."
"Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart."
My 7 year old son came up with this please be kind.
Why did the icecream have an umbrella?... because there were to many sprinkles!
A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, You know, I'm a lawyer.
Honest? the woman asks.
No, no. Just the regular kind, he replied.
When a BMW owner learns to drive...
What kind of car do they switch to?
A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.
Little Johnny replied, I'm drawing God.
The teacher paused and said, But no one knows what God looks like.
Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing Little Johnny replied, They will in a minute.
How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
The real question is that who broke the light bulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?
edit.. thanks for the award kind stanger.
What kind of bird doesn't get pregnant?
A swallow
A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."
"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."
"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."
So these three lawyers are zooming along a country road and they get into an accident with a gravedigger.
So the gravedigger pulls himself out of his car and he's okay, but the lawyers are kind of messed up, so he buries them, right there, and walks into town and calls the Sheriff. 'Sheriff,' he says, 'terrible accident I just had. Three lawyers in it, they was all dead, so I buried them.' Sheriff says, "What?
You went ahead and buried them already? Are yousure they was dead?' Gravedigger says reluctantly,
"Well, they said they wasn't, but you know how those fellas lie.
My granddaughter just hit me with this one: what is the biggest kind of ant ?
A gi-ant!
I am so proud right now!
(My 6 year old's first homemade joke) What kind of clothes do cats wear to bed?
Answer: Paw-jamas
2 Russians are robbing a bank...
2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"
Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"
Russian 1 (to the woman): "What's your name?"
Woman: "Sofia"
Russian 1 (to Russian 2): "I can't kill her... My wife has the same name..."
Russian 2: "Then kill that kid that's sitting beside her."
Russian 1 (to the kid): "What's your name?"
Kid: "Billy, but everybody calls me Sofia"
what kind of fish is made up of 2 atoms only?
2Na
What is a Pirate's favorite letter?
The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.
Thanks to everyone who awarded this post! You're so kind .
What kind of drug should dinosaurs never take?
A steroid.
what kind of dinosaur has the cleanest teeth?
A Flossiraptor
Courtesy of my 6-year old.
There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.
Small children and 39 year old's.
What did the redditor say after a stranger gave him a piece of explosive gold?
Thanks for the gold, kind stranger
If atheism was a business, what kind of business would it be?
A Non-Prophet organization.
Wife asks her husband to fix the fridge. He replies "What am I, a repairman?" So she got their neighbor to fix it. She tells her husb "It's fixed. Our neighbor said he would fix it if I either slept with him or baked him a pie."
Husband laughs and asks "So what kind of pie did you bake him?"
Wife replies "What am I, a baker?"
What kind of Dr is Dr Pepper?
A Fizzician
Toilet jokes are not my most favourite kind ...
but they're a solid number two.
Asked a guy what kind of music he likes. He told me he's really into "blackgaze"
I should have asked him how it's spelled before I googled it.
What kind of coffee did Italians most enjoy during the 1940s?
Oppresso.
What kind of car does a sushi chef drive?
Rolls Rice
Doctors
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.
The doctor started to ask her the usual questions, about symptoms, when she interrupted him: Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, and immediately wrote out a prescription handed it to her and said, There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down.
What is a scarecrow's favorite kind of joke?
A corny one.
The other day my house caught fire.
The insurance agent said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." Insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft." Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed WHILE it's burning down.
What kind of car racing comes from Mexico?
Formula Juan
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the kind make puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working kind kinds of nuts piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.