So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678
A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Since she can't even beat an egg
Apparently not.
-
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
They were having a mid-life crisis.
Brothel sprouts
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.
Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.
Mr. E
* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."
Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice
He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.
John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.
No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.
An Apocaclipse.
Non-prophet.
A swallow
Mariguana.
An oncologist!
...
I made this one up last night but I'm sure someone has thought of it before.
The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the water, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.
"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
"How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?" replied the pilot.
"It was a dictatorship."
They're huge metal fans
I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.
A go fuckyourself
The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."
Retards
/u/TheDarkKn1ght
(First post to this community, please be kind)
Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the sex I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents
Yours.
Radish
Oakley Dokelys
Merm-aids
2 Na
They're two things I'll never see coming.
(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)
A rope walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!" The rope left, tied his top end, and fluffed out the fringe. He reentered the bar, and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?" "No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."
Him: "If my name was Ella, and I married Darth Vader. My name would be Elevator". Stupid and corny, but it's exactly the kind of lame jokes he would make.
Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy
In exchange for that I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standing with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner now available with lemon or vanilla.
That's a Moray.
The superconductor left without resistance.
White Vans.
I'll be here all week.
White vans
A trophy.
His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."
The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."
She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."
Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."
The first man is about to putt when he sees a long funeral procession right near the course. He stops mid-putt, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
The second man is in awe. "Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."
and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."
Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal.
They were surely vaccinated as children, and look how retarded they turned out to be.
Maybe I should let her inside.
I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.
I said, "Could you get the bill for us?"
She said, "Absolutely."
I said, "Thanks. We're kind of broke."
One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?"
The other turbine replies, "Well...I'm a big metal fan."
The other windmill replies "I'm a big metal fan."
The planchette kept moving from H to A and back. What kind of name is Hahaha?
Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!
A pullover.
Crossfit
Nun.
The barman says: 'I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind in here.'
The Nazgûl replies: 'That's Wraithist.'
Kix
Pockets. Women want fully functional pockets.
Because 2+0+1+7 is 10 - the exact number of nipples Hitler would have if he had 8 more
He asks her "would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"
The girl replies "hmm.. for a millian dollars sure!"
The man asks "would you have sex with me for free?"
The girl replies "for free? What kind of girl do you think I am?
The man replies "we've already found what kind of girl you are now we are just negotiating a price."
The bar tender says sorry we don't serve you kind round here
The string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair and walks back into the bar,
The bartender says sorry aren't you the same guy from before
The string replies I'm a frayed knot
A Nii-san
2 little kids were arguing over who's dad has a better job. First kid says,"My dads a doctor." Second kis say,"Yeah well my dad's lawyer." Astonished the first kid says," Honest?" The second kid replied "No, the usual kind."
"It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."
"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"
"Two-thirty."
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here. Too much Risk."
Cherry wood.
velcrows
Beekeepers.
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.
She's kind of high maintenance.
Q. What do you get if you insert human DNA into a chimpanzee?
A. Banned from the Zoo.
Psychopaths. (I hate myself)
Now I'm forever placed on some kind of watch list.
..."I will not tolerate any excuses for any kind. I might consider a nuclear attack, serious injury or even the death of a relative, but whoever misses this exam will fail the class."
The class's wise-guy says:
"But teacher, what if tomorrow I arrive to class completely exhausted from last night's amazing sex?"
The teacher says:
"Well I guess you'll have to do the exam with your left hand, then."
I'm really the wrong person to email for these kind of ransoms.
The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender is stunned.
Wow I've never seen a weasel in my bar before! exclaims the bartender. What kind of alcohol would you like?
The weasel looks over the menu and shakes his head.
The bartender says, Okay no booze. Is there anything I can get for you? It's on the house!
Pop. goes the weasel.
A swallow
A piece of string walks into a bar and takes a seat.
The bartender says to the piece of string "We don't serve your kind around here!" and kicks the string out of the bar.
The string gathers his composure, messes his hair up, and ties himself in a knot. He then resumes his seat at the bar.
The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out?"
The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
An old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. The driver, being polite, accepts and munches them.
Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.
Driver : Why don't you eat them yourself ?
Old lady : I can't chew them. Look, I have no teeth.
Driver : Then why do you buy them ?
Old lady : Oh, I just love the chocolates around them.
At a fancy dinner party, a man turns to a woman and suddenly says:
- Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?
The woman giggles.
- Of course I would!
- How about doing it for fifteen dollars?
The woman looks disgusted.
- Why, what kind of woman do you think I am?
- That's already been established. Now we're just haggling about the price.
She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".
Joke provided by my ten year old son.
Split pee
FLY, YOU FOOLS!
When a little old lady walked up to him and asked, "Are you one of those cowboys every body talks about?"
"Why yes ma'am I am." He replied
"The ones who ride around on horses and herd cattle?" She continued.
"Yes ma'am I am."
"The kind who ties up those calves and brands them?" She inquired
"Yes ma'am I am"
Obviously displeased she scowled at him and said "Well you ought to be hung!"
The cowboy smiled and replied,
"Yes ma'am I am."
We have collected gags and puns about Kind to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Kind? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Kind pick up lines to share with friends.