Kind Jokes

What are some Kind jokes?

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.





I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

Do you know how to avoid clickbait?

Apparently not.


-

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

Why was the anti-vaxxer's 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.


What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts



My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

What's a good name for a detective?

Mr. E

* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."

"Which doctor?", she replied.

"No, the regular kind."

I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer

Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

No matter how kind you are...

No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

What kind of organization is Atheism?

Non-prophet.

If a bluebird has blue babies and a redbird has red babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A swallow

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?

Mariguana.

What kind of doctor is always on call?

An oncologist!


...


I made this one up last night but I'm sure someone has thought of it before.

A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the water, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.

"How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?" replied the pilot.

"It was a dictatorship."

What kind of music do wind turbines like?

They're huge metal fans

Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.

I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.

What's the rudest kind of elf? Nsfw

A go fuckyourself

The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"

The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."

Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other

Retards

/u/TheDarkKn1ght

(First post to this community, please be kind)

Today I was offered sex by an 18 year old female...

Now I'm not gonna lie this chick was smoking hot. In exchange for the sex I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner for her. Of course I, being the great person that I am, declined because I have high moral standards and my willpower is very strong.....but not as nearly as strong as Ajax, the safe and affordable bathroom cleaner, now available in lemon and vanilla scents

What kind of cigarettes do hippies smoke?

Yours.

Name a vegetable that's kind of cool.

Radish

What kind of sunglasses does Ned Flanders wear?

Oakley Dokelys

What kind of STD's do fish get?

Merm-aids

What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms?

2 Na

My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..

They're two things I'll never see coming.


(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)

A rope walked into a bar...

A rope walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your kind here! No ropes allowed!" The rope left, tied his top end, and fluffed out the fringe. He reentered the bar, and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just threw out?" "No," the rope said. "I'm a frayed knot."

The last joke my brother made up, before he passed away this week.

Him: "If my name was Ella, and I married Darth Vader. My name would be Elevator". Stupid and corny, but it's exactly the kind of lame jokes he would make.

Thanos seems a lot like a pessimist to me

Y'know, the 'universe half empty' kind of guy

I was offered sex from a 21 year old girl today

In exchange for that I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standing with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner now available with lemon or vanilla.

What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie?

That's a Moray.

A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don't serve your kind here.

The superconductor left without resistance.

What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White Vans.

I'll be here all week.

What kind of shoes do paedophiles wear?

White vans

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange

She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What's up?"

Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."

Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."

Two men are golfing at a local golf course

The first man is about to putt when he sees a long funeral procession right near the course. He stops mid-putt, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.

The second man is in awe. "Wow, that is the most touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals...

and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."

Obvious media bias

Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal.

I kind of understand where anti-vaxxers coming from.

They were surely vaccinated as children, and look how retarded they turned out to be.

Every time it rains I find my wife standing at the window, looking kind of sad.

Maybe I should let her inside.

I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool.

I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.

I waved the waitress over to our table.

I said, "Could you get the bill for us?"

She said, "Absolutely."

I said, "Thanks. We're kind of broke."

Two wind turbines are talking to each other...

One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?"

The other turbine replies, "Well...I'm a big metal fan."

Two windmills are sitting on a hill. One turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?"

The other windmill replies "I'm a big metal fan."

I tried asking a Ouija Board for the name of my future wife.

The planchette kept moving from H to A and back. What kind of name is Hahaha?ο»Ώ

Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members.

Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!

What kind of sweater do cops wear?

A pullover.

What kind of exercise did Jesus do?

Crossfit

what kind of meat does a priest eat on fridays?

Nun.

A NazgΓ»l walks into a bar...

The barman says: 'I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind in here.'
The NazgΓ»l replies: 'That's Wraithist.'

What kind of cereal does Ronda Rousey eat?

Kix

I'm the kind of guy that knows what every woman really wants

Pockets. Women want fully functional pockets.

Kinda scared for 2017

Because 2+0+1+7 is 10 - the exact number of nipples Hitler would have if he had 8 more

A man walks up to a girl on the street

He asks her "would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"

The girl replies "hmm.. for a millian dollars sure!"

The man asks "would you have sex with me for free?"

The girl replies "for free? What kind of girl do you think I am?

The man replies "we've already found what kind of girl you are now we are just negotiating a price."

A piece of string walks into a bar

The bar tender says sorry we don't serve you kind round here

The string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair and walks back into the bar,

The bartender says sorry aren't you the same guy from before

The string replies I'm a frayed knot

What kind of car does a Weeaboo drive?

A Nii-san

2 kids arguing.

2 little kids were arguing over who's dad has a better job. First kid says,"My dads a doctor." Second kis say,"Yeah well my dad's lawyer." Astonished the first kid says," Honest?" The second kid replied "No, the usual kind."

My dad bought himself a new hearing aid.

"It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."

"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"

"Two-thirty."

A black man, a blue man, a green man, a pink man, a red man and yellow man walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here. Too much Risk."

What kind of wood makes the best chairs?

Cherry wood.

What kind of crows stick together?

velcrows

What kind of people have the most beautiful eyes?

Beekeepers.
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.

My girlfriend is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks.

She's kind of high maintenance.

Kinda corny but it did actually crack me up...

Q. What do you get if you insert human DNA into a chimpanzee?
A. Banned from the Zoo.

What kind of trails does a crazy person travel?

Psychopaths. (I hate myself)

I should never have given my real email address to Rolex.

Now I'm forever placed on some kind of watch list.

In school, the teacher warns her students...

..."I will not tolerate any excuses for any kind. I might consider a nuclear attack, serious injury or even the death of a relative, but whoever misses this exam will fail the class."

The class's wise-guy says:

"But teacher, what if tomorrow I arrive to class completely exhausted from last night's amazing sex?"

The teacher says:

"Well I guess you'll have to do the exam with your left hand, then."

I just received an email titled $50 TO SEE JUSTIN BIEBER LIVE

I'm really the wrong person to email for these kind of ransoms.

Two cows walk into a vegan bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

A weasel walks into a bar...

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender is stunned.
Wow I've never seen a weasel in my bar before! exclaims the bartender. What kind of alcohol would you like?
The weasel looks over the menu and shakes his head.
The bartender says, Okay no booze. Is there anything I can get for you? It's on the house!
Pop. goes the weasel.

What kind of bird does not make babies?

A swallow

String

A piece of string walks into a bar and takes a seat.

The bartender says to the piece of string "We don't serve your kind around here!" and kicks the string out of the bar.

The string gathers his composure, messes his hair up, and ties himself in a knot. He then resumes his seat at the bar.

The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out?"

The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

The kindness of strangers

An old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. The driver, being polite, accepts and munches them.

Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.

Driver : Why don't you eat them yourself ?

Old lady : I can't chew them. Look, I have no teeth.

Driver : Then why do you buy them ?

Old lady : Oh, I just love the chocolates around them.

Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?

At a fancy dinner party, a man turns to a woman and suddenly says:

- Would you sleep with me for ten million dollars?

The woman giggles.

- Of course I would!

- How about doing it for fifteen dollars?

The woman looks disgusted.

- Why, what kind of woman do you think I am?

- That's already been established. Now we're just haggling about the price.

A kindergarten teacher asks her students what animals provide us...

She said, "What does a chicken give us?" and the students replied, "Eggs". She then asked, "What does a pig give us?" and the students replied a joyous "Bacon". Finally she asked "What does a cow give us?" and before anyone could answer little Johnny said "Homework".

Joke provided by my ten year old son.

What kind of soup do men have after sex?

Split pee

Hey, Gandalf! What's your favourite kind of insect?

FLY, YOU FOOLS!

A Texan cowboy was walking down the road

When a little old lady walked up to him and asked, "Are you one of those cowboys every body talks about?"

"Why yes ma'am I am." He replied

"The ones who ride around on horses and herd cattle?" She continued.

"Yes ma'am I am."

"The kind who ties up those calves and brands them?" She inquired

"Yes ma'am I am"

Obviously displeased she scowled at him and said "Well you ought to be hung!"

The cowboy smiled and replied,
"Yes ma'am I am."

How to make Kind jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Kind to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Kind? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Kind pick up lines to share with friends.

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