kilt Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious kilt puns

My phone just replaced the word "killed" with "kilt."

Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.

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What's the only acceptable thing for a Scotsman to wear under his kilt?

Lipstick

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Don't run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out.

Or worse yet, get kilt.

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What does a true Scot keep under his kilt?

A Scotsman is at a festival, and he comes dressed in his best kilt (worn properly, of course). As the festival proceeds, the Scot starts to get very drunk, and so he sits under a tree with his beer mug and falls asleep. A couple of "pretty lasses" walk by and see the Scot passed out under the tree.

"What *DO* you think he has under his kilt?" one of them asks the other.
"I don't know!" she says. "Do you think maybe we should have ourselves a look?"

The lassies observe that the Scot is completely unconscious. They decide to hazard a glance, so they lift up the man's kilt and have a glance. The ladies are quite pleased with what they see.

"We ought to leave him a little something as token of our appreciation," the first girl says. The second agrees, and untying one of the blue ribbons from her braids, decorates his member with a bow.

Several hours later the man wakes up, and he shambles to the bathroom for a piss. Lifting the front of his kilt he says, "Ach! Wee lad, I don't know where you've been, but it seems you've won a prize!"

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What do you call a bunny in a kilt?

A hopscotch

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A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

"A'right! The perfect opportunity!" cries the Scotsman, who lifts his kilt and leaps on the back of the sheep, shagging it furiously until he is satisfied.

Smiling, the Scotsman smooths out his kilt and turns to the Newfie. "Go on," he says, "It's your turn."

"Okay!" says the Newfie, and sticks his head in the fence.

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A woman put her hand up a Scotsman's kilt and squealed - "It's gruesome"

The Scotsman replied- "put your hand up there again and it'll gruesome more"

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What does robbing a Scotsman get you?

Kilt

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What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?

If it's a good day lipstick

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A Scotsman is tending his flock of sheep... (long)

when he decides to take a nap under a nearby tree.
After he falls asleep, a young woman walking on a nearby road decides to play a joke on him.
She lifts up his kilt, takes a ribbon from her hair, ties it around his manhood, and leaves with a giggle.
After awhile the Scotsman wakes up and walks over by the bushes to take a wee.
He lifts up his kilt and is amazed to see a bright blue ribbon tied around his manhood.
without skipping a beat he says "well I don't know where you've been laddie, but I can see you won first prize!"

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Don't run with bag pipes. You could poke out an eye out or worse...

Get kilt.

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Two Scottish guys discussing a wedding..

First guys asks "What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?"

Second fella says "A kilt of course!"

First fella "What's the tartin?"

"She's wearing white" says his pal

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The Scottsman

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked the he'd drunk more than his share
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet
And he stumbled off in to the grass to sleep beside the street

About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by
One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye
"See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong a handsome built?
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt."

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there, behold, for them to view beneath his Scotish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

They marveled for a moment, then one said "We must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along"
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied in to a bow
Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt did lift and show

Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards the trees
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says, to what's before his eyes,
"Lad, I don't know where ya been, but I see you've won first prize"

The Irish Rovers, "The Scottsman"

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My phone autocorrected "killed" to "kilt"...

Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.

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Little old lady puts her hand up a Scotsman's kilt and says "what are these for?"

"Four?!" he exclaims

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A Scottish guy announced to his mate that he was getting married...

I'll write this down phonetically, so use your best Scottish accent:

"Ahm gettin married next week."

"Are ye wearin a kilt?"

"Aye, ahm weerin a kilt."

"Wha's the tartin?"

"She's in a whit dress."

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I once asked a Scottish man...

What's under a kilt?

He didn't miss a beat. On a good day,

He said, lipstick.

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Drunken Scotsman

A Scotsman stumbles out of a bar and starts walking down the road to his house. Too drunk to make it there, he lays down on the side of the road in a field and passes out.

A woman is walking home and spots him there. She says to herself, "I wonder what he's hiding underneath that kilt." Looking around to make sure that no one sees here, she takes a peek. "No underwear, oh my!" After she's had her giggles, she says to herself, "I should do something to let him know that I was here."

She takes the blue ribbon from her hair and ties it around his dick, covering him with the kilt again.

The next morning the Scotsman wakes up and feels something funny under his kilt. He takes a look and says, "Well my lad, I don't know where we've been, but I see that you won first prize! 🏆

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Glasgow boys

Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's

forthcoming wedding.

'Aye, it's all going like magic,' says Jock.

'I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church,

the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night…'

Archie nods approvingly.

'Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!' continues Jock.

'A kilt?' exclaims Archie, 'That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that!

And what's the tartin?'

'Ach,' says Jock, 'I imagine she'll be in white.'

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A Scottish man in a kilt is having a few drinks with some friends...

...when the barmaid asks him "do you wear underwear under that kilt?" He smiles and says "Stick ya hand up there lass an see for yer self". She declines, but as the night wears on her curiosity grows so she asks again, and again he says "Stick ya hand up there lass an see for yer self". she decides to call him on his bluff and suddenly jams her hand under the kilt.
Slowly a look of Horror spreads across her face and She says " OH MY GOD! IT'S GRUESOME! The Scotsman says "I know! Keep ya hand up there an it'll grew some more!".

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Gleam in your eye

A couple was walking across the meadows. The girl looked at the guy and shyly asked, "Would you like to hold my hand?"
"Uh...well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"
She said, "By the gleam in your eye."
They walked a little further and the girl said, "Would you like to kiss me?"
"Oh, my yes!" replied the boy, "But how did you know?"
She said, "By the gleam in your eye."
As they got to the stream, they sat on a stump, the girl looked at the boy and asked, "Would you like to go all the way with me?"
"Well, oh, my gosh, yes! (gulp) Yes! But how did you know? By the gleam in my eye?" he asked.
"No," replied the girl, "By the tilt in your kilt."

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Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

'Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."


Archie nods approvingly.


"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock.


"A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"


"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll just be in white."

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You shouldn't run with bag pipes.

You could put an eye out, or get kilt.

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A Scotsman is at a bar..

A woman at the bar looks on in interest at his kilt, noticing this he yells at her "You can put your hand up there if ya like!"

She can't contain her curiosity, and upon sliding her hand up his kilt she shrieks "Oh it's gruesome!"

He chuckles,

"Put your hand up again lass, It's grew some more!!"

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What did the Scottish man do when he ran out of pants to wear?

He kilt himself

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Be careful what you ask for!

A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing
his kilt. As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in
a red convertible eyeing him and giggling.

One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn under the kilt?"

He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you SURE you want to know?"

Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did really want to know.

The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!"

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Did you hear what happened to the Scottish soldier?

He was kilt in action.

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A lady walks up to a Scot...

A lady walks up to a Scot wearing a kilt and asks... 'Is anything worn under the kilt?'

'No', he said. 'It's all in perfect condition'.

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Never run with a bagpipe...

You may get kilt

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Speaking of scotsmen, I asked one if anything is worn under the kilt...

He said "Nay ya wee bairn, everything's in fine an' workin' order!"

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You should never trust a Scottish tailor.

It'll get you kilt.

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What do you call two Scottish potatos who have just recived a rock as a prize?

Kilt tubers with won stone.

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Don't run with bagpipes! You could poke an eye out.

Or even worse, get kilt.

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Did you hear about the kilt maker that went to prison?

He had quite the chequered past.

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A Greek and a Scot ......

Were walking on a farm together just shooting the shit. They see a goat with his horns stuck in the fence so the Scot runs up to it, lifts up his kilt and starts to go to town on the goat.
When he finishes, he steps back, takes a deep breath and tells the Greek; Ah rrright man, it's yurr turn.

………So the Greek stuck his head in the fence.

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What are the most funny Kilt jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Kilt? Well, here are the best Kilt dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Kilt pick up lines to share with friends.

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