kills Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious kills puns

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

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A shy cowboy goes into a bar

*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking cowgirl sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"

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A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!"

Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?"

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A man kills a deer...

A man is out hunting and kills a deer. He brings it home to his family and cooks it, but doesn't tell his kids what it is. He said "I'll give you a hint, it's what your mother calls me." The youngest son cries out, "It's a fucking dick, don't eat it!"

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A little boy...

A little boy kills a butterfly.
Dad says : "No butter for you for a week!"

The little boy then kills a honeybee.
Dad says : "No honey for you for a week!"

Mom kills a cockroach.
The little boy asks : "Are you going to tell her or should I say it for you?"

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3 guys and one girl are stranded on a desert island.

After one week the girl is so ashamed of what she is doing that she kills herself.

After another week the guys are so ashamed of what they are doing that...they bury her.

Another week goes by and the guys are so ashamed of what they've been doing...so they dig her back up.

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That's actually rude..

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said: "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother: "Don't eat it. It's an asshole!

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What is big green and fuzzy and kills you when it falls out of a tree?

A pool table

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What has two butts and kills people ?

An assassin

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Smoking is a scientific wonder!

It kills people, but cures salmon.

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. Of course, the kids are eager to know what the meat is. They ask their dad for the clue. Well, he says, It's what mommy calls me sometimes. The little girl screams, Don't eat it! It's a fucking asshole.

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Smoking is good for the environment

Because it kills humans

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A man kills a deer and brings it home for dinner,

He and his wife decide they won't tell the kids what they are eating.

But the dad gives them a clue 'It's what mummy calls me '

the little girl screams to her brother "DON'T EAT IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!"

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A Man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner..

The man and woman both decide not to tell their children what kind of meat it is, but to let them guess instead.

After a moment of silence, the dad gives them a hint, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl begins screaming to her brother, "DON'T EAT IT, It's an asshole!!!"

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What do you call it when my girlfriend kills 250 million unborn children

A Swallocaust. I'm not proud of myself.

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3 men and a woman are stranded on a desert island...

After the first week, the woman gets so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.
After the second week, the men get so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury the woman.
After the third week, the men get so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her back up.

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Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, remember this

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!

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Have you ever thought about the word racecar and how it's a palindrome?

Put it backwards and it spells racecar, put it sideways and it kills Paul Walker.

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A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent...

In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.

In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there's a tent in his room.

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I'm so torn on abortion...

On one hand, it kills babies, which I'm for. On the other hand, it gives women a choice, which I'm against.

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Whats for Dinner

A man kills a Deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his Wife, decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said,
"It's what Mummy calls me, sometimes."

The little girl screams to her Brother,

"Don't eat it, it's an arsehole.."

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What do you call it when somebody kills a perfect circle of religious leaders?

A 360 No-Pope

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A little boy kills a butterfly..

His dad tells him "No butter for two weeks"

The little boy kills a honeybee and his dad tells him "No honey for two weeks"

The little boy sees his mom killing a cock roach and the little boy turns to his dad and says "will you tell her or shall I?"

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Czech and a Mexican

A Czechoslovakian and a Mexican go camping, while they were in the woods the Czech gets eaten by a bear. So the Mexican runs to find the park ranger and says "park ranger a bear ate my friend"
The park ranger and the Mexican find two bears, a male and a female. The park ranger asked the Mexican which ate his friend he points to the male and the ranger kills him and guts him there are no remains of the Czech man in the bear. Moral of the story never trust a Mexican when he says the Check is in the male

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So a husband and wife of 12 years goes golfing...

and the man shanks his shot on the 7th hole and it goes behind a barn.

"Damn, now I have to hit around" he said.

His wife says, "No, you can shoot it right through, see?" and she opens the barn door and sure enough there's a perfect line to the green.

He hit the shot, it hits the top of the door, bounces back, hits his wife in the head and kills her.

2 years later the husband is playing a round of golf with his buddies and hits the same shot in the same place.

"Oh crap, now I have to hit around" he says.

His friend says, "No, you can hit it through here see?" he opens the barn doors and the green is right there.

"Oh no, no way I'm doing that again, last time I did that I got a 7 on this hole."

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While playing in the backyard, Johnny kills a honeybee

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?

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Best explanation of Star Wars

The story of an orphaned boy who becomes radicalised after a military strike kills his family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins a band of rebel insurgents, and carries out a terrorist attack which kills 300'000 people.

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What's the difference between a Mormon man and a Muslim man.

A Mormon man gets 72 virgins and THEN kills himself.

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In Soviet Russia, Comrade Wolf is going through his kill list.

Comrade Goat approaches him, *"Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?"*

**"Yes."**

*"Give me one day to bid farewell to my family"*, Comrade Goat pleads.

***"Okay"***, says Comrade Wolf. He kills Comrade Goat after a day.

.

The next day, Comrade Ox approaches him, *"Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?"*

***"Yes."***

*"Let me sort out my affairs. Please kill me tomorrow"*, Comrade Ox begs.

***"Okay"***, says Comrade Wolf. He kills Comrade Ox after a day.

.

On the third day, Comrade Fox approaches him, *"Comrade Wolf, is my name on your list?"*

***"Yes."***

*"Could you please remove it?"*

***"Okay."***

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A general, air marshal and admiral were arguing over whose men were the toughest.

The general says, Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get overhere!

The private reports as ordered, Yes sir?
The general says, See that man over there? Kill him! Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, See? That man has balls!


The air marshal says, "That's nothing. AC, get over here! The aircraftsman reports, Yes, sir?
The air marshal says, See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself.
Without blinking, the aircraftsman pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.

The air marshal says, See? Now that man has balls!

The admiral says, That's nothing. He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, Hey, seaman, jump off that tower! The seaman answers, Excuse me, sir? The admiral repeats, JUMP OFF THAT TOWER! The seaman replies, Go to hell, sir!

The admiral says, See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!

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Quit bugging me

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

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As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."

Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, "..help control the pet population."

I was raised to listen to my elders...

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A Japanese shogun is looking for a new samurai.

He summons three swordsmen, one of them Jewish, to his palace to showcase their skills. The first swordsman stands before the shogun with a sword and a small box. When he opens the box, a small box. When he opens the box, a fly flies out. With one swing of his sword, the fly is dead. The second swordsman again brings a sword and a small box. When he opens the box, an even smaller fly comes out, and he kills it with one swing. The shogun is impressed. At last, the Jewish swordsman walks up. He is also carrying a sword and a small box. He opens the box and an even smaller fly comes out. He swings his sword around many times, but it doesn't seem to affect the fly. "I am disappointed," says the shogun. "You didn't kill the fly." The Jew replies, "A circumcision is not meant to kill."

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a blonde and a redhead are in a bar

When they see a man on the news threatening to jump off of a building. The redhead says "bet you 50 bucks he jumps" to which the blonde replies "you're on!". Sure enough, the man jumps and kills himself. The blonde goes to grab the $50 from her purse but the redhead stops her and says " I can't take your money. This is a repeat of an earlier story. I've seen this already." The blonde grabs the $50, puts it on the bar and says "so did I. I just didn't think he'd do it twice!"

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A panda bear walks into a bar...

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich.
The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop.

The panda bear asks, What do you want?
The bartender replies, First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.
The panda bear turns around and says, Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!
The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read:

Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

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What are the most funny Kills jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Kills? Well, here are the best Kills dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Kills pick up lines to share with friends.

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