The Best 68 Kills Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Kills jokes. There are some kills dies jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these kills kill yourself puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Kills Jokes and Puns

What has two butts and kills people ?

An assassin

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people

Pun in, 10 dead

A pun walks into a bar and kills 10 people.

1 pun in, 10 dead.

Kills joke, A pun walks into a bar and kills 10 people.

Thought of this whilst snacking.

If one chick pea kills another chick pea... Is that considered Humuscide?

3 men and a woman are stranded on a desert island...

After the first week, the woman gets so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.
After the second week, the men get so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury the woman.
After the third week, the men get so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her back up.


Czech and a Mexican

A Czechoslovakian and a Mexican go camping, while they were in the woods the Czech gets eaten by a bear. So the Mexican runs to find the park ranger and says "park ranger a bear ate my friend"
The park ranger and the Mexican find two bears, a male and a female. The park ranger asked the Mexican which ate his friend he points to the male and the ranger kills him and guts him there are no remains of the Czech man in the bear. Moral of the story never trust a Mexican when he says the Check is in the male

Who is 50 feet tall, has a blue ox and kills co-eds?

Ted Bunyan.

Kills joke, Who is 50 feet tall, has a blue ox and kills co-eds?

I've got a friend who's a psychopath and he's got a brilliant sense of humour.

He kills me!

What do you call it when a gangster accidentally kills a fellow gang member?

Homiecide

A guy has a wasps nest in his garage

He goes to the hardware store and finds a can of spray that says it's for hornets, so he finds an employee just to check if it'll work on wasps.

"Excuse me, is this spray good for wasps?"

"No sir, it kills them."

Whats for Dinner

A man kills a Deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his Wife, decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said,
"It's what Mummy calls me, sometimes."

The little girl screams to her Brother,

"Don't eat it, it's an arsehole.."

You can explore kills eats reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean kills road kill dad jokes. There are also kills puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Bacon is like a woman

it looks good

it smells good

it tastes good

and it slowly kills men

Smoking is a scientific wonder!

It kills people, but cures salmon.

What do you call it when my girlfriend kills 250 million unborn children

A Swallocaust. I'm not proud of myself.

What kills thousands of smokers a year?

Natural Causes

Have you ever thought about the word racecar and how it's a palindrome?

Put it backwards and it spells racecar, put it sideways and it kills Paul Walker.

Kills joke, Have you ever thought about the word racecar and how it's a palindrome?

What do you call it when somebody kills a perfect circle of religious leaders?

A 360 No-Pope

What's the difference between a Mormon man and a Muslim man.

A Mormon man gets 72 virgins and THEN kills himself.

A panda walks into a bar

sits down and asks the bartender for food. after eating, gets up, takes out a gun and kills the bartender. as he is leaving, a shocked onlooker asks him "why did you do that?" and he answers "Hey. I'm a Panda. It's what I do."
in confusion, they look it up in an encyclopedia.

Panda. Mammal. Eats shoots and leaves.


While playing in the backyard, Johnny kills a honeybee

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?

Best explanation of Star Wars

The story of an orphaned boy who becomes radicalised after a military strike kills his family. He is indoctrinated into an ancient religion, joins a band of rebel insurgents, and carries out a terrorist attack which kills 300'000 people.

What's white and kills you if it enters your eye?

An airplane.

3 guys and one girl are stranded on a desert island.

After one week the girl is so ashamed of what she is doing that she kills herself.

After another week the guys are so ashamed of what they are doing that...they bury her.

Another week goes by and the guys are so ashamed of what they've been doing...so they dig her back up.

A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!"

Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?"

Smoking is good for the environment

Because it kills humans

I'm so torn on abortion...

On one hand, it kills babies, which I'm for. On the other hand, it gives women a choice, which I'm against.

A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent...

In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.

In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there's a tent in his room.

What is big green and fuzzy and kills you when it falls out of a tree?

A pool table

Little Johnny kills a butterfly

His dad says, "No butter for one week!" Little Johnny kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!" Mom kills a cockroach. Little Johnny turns to his dad and says, "shall I break the news to her?"

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

A shy cowboy goes into a bar

*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking cowgirl sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He goes to her and says: "Now what is a nice-looking lady like yourself doing here all alone?"

Cigarette packets says smoking kills so I stopped smoking them

I just smoke the ones that seriously damage health instead

Dark humor is like drunk driving

It kills when you cross over the line.

What's it called when a deathrow inmate kills themselves?

Self checkout.

Smoking Kills

Experts say that every time you inhale a drag of a cigarette, it takes 7 seconds off your life.

When I was a teenager, my best friend and I tried cigarettes for the first time. I ended up smoking for 25 years, but my friend only inhaled **once**.

Yesterday, while out walking his dog, he got hit by a bus and was killed instantly.

I can't get it out of my mind - I keep thinking - if he never had inhaled that one time - we probably could have heard him scream.

Quality assurance engineer walks into a bar...

He orders 1 beer.
Then he orders 2 beers.
Then he orders 9999999 beers.
Then he orders -1 beer.
Then he orders a dragon.
Then he asks to buy a jdhdjsbeh

Another customer walks in, asks where the bathroom is. The bar collapses and kills everyone inside

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray

"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.

"No, it kills them."

Yo mama so fat.

If someone kills her it's mass murder.

What do you call a person who kills cereal?

Mentally ill.

My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.

0 Kills

0 Assist

7 Deaths

A pun walks in and kills 10 people...

Pun in, ten dead.

What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired

A priest was invited to attend a house party

.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

Feminist have invented a new form of birth control that kills any sperm with a Y chromosome.

It's called sonblock.

First joke on here. Came up with that while camping this past weekend.

A little boy kills a butterfly and his dad says, no butter for 2 weeks. He kills a honeybee and his dad says, no honey for two weeks.

His mother kills a cockroach. He looks at his dad and says, are you going to tell her or should I?

romanian joke: 300 sailors and one woman get shipwrecked on an island

After one month, completely disgusted by what the sailors have been doing to her, the woman kills herself.

After another month, completely disgusted by what they did that month, the sailors decide to bury her.

After another month, completely disgusted by what they've been doing, the sailors decide to dig her up.

A penguin is driving to the mall...

All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.

The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"

The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."

Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast.

My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.

I had a big wasps nest under the eve of my roof so I went to the hardware store to find some wasp spray. I found a can and asked a worker if this was good for wasps?

He says No, it kills them.

My friend calls me James Bonds while I play Call Of Duty....

0 - Kills

0 - Assists

7 - Deaths

As a gamer I find it strange that Biden was declared the winner...

Trump had way more kills

I started playing COD Cold War yesterday and ended up playing online against a player called Hitler. He got so many kills but...

It was only because he was Kampfing.

A man walks into a gym and kills everyone there brutally

After the investigation, the police state that the victims could only be described as ripped and shredded

If smoking kills...

Then why does it cure salmon?

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

What's the difference between the police and a bullet?

At least when a bullet kills someone, it's fired

Me: You know, the female black widow spider kills the male spider after mating. I don't understand why?

Wife: I'm pretty sure it's to stop the male from snoring before it starts

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

"Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.

To which she replies "No, it kills them."

Confucius say: Man who hurts another gets charged with battery.

Man who kills another gets charged with electricity.

What do you call a supervillain that kills people with handjobs?

Death Stroke

My cat loves hunting lizards but he never kills them.

He's just all about the details.

[Long] A redneck was walking with its dog...

A redneck was walking with his dog, when another dog starts to pick a fight with the redneck's dog, the redneck's dog with just one bite kills the other dog.

A lot of people get scared, cause there's a lot of blood and carnage, them a guy asks the redneck "What is your dog's breed?"

To wich the Redneck responds "Before we cut the tail it was a gator"

A panda bear walks into a restaurant

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it.
After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.

The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don't understand."

The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out of the door.

So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading 'Panda'. It reads:
'Panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.'

A pun joke walks in and kills 10 persons...

Pun in, ten dead.

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer

A dog gets left in a forest by its owners. A tiger spots it, and thinks to itself: "What is that? It looks delicious." The dog catches wind of it though, and in a bit of quick thinking, it stands in front of a pile of bones, and shouts: "Mmmm, tiger meat is the best! I gotta hunt for more!"

The tiger kills and eats the dog, because it doesn't know dog language.

Don't Eat It

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

What do you call it when a chickpea kills someone?

Hummus-cide

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the kills slaughter jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working kills fazed piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes