The Best 74 Killing Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Killing jokes. There are some killing road kill jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these killing massacre puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Killing Jokes and Puns
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
I was sexually active at 12
It's now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
A man comes into his bedroom and sees his wife with his best friend in bed
The man quickly takes out his gun and shoots his best friend, killing him. The wife shouts - "If you continue with that attitude you are going to end up with no friends!"
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband...
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?", she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh, Killing any?" she asked.
"Yup. 3 males. 2 females" He responded.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on the beer can, and 2 were on the phone"
*Incredible*
probably won't get him laid
A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." she said while winking at him.
"Yes, I guess I did." came his reply.
"Who are you?", she asked. "Cupid throwing love arrows?"
"No, I'm Legolas killing orcs"
What's the difference between Jack Daniels and John Wayne?
Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.
A man was walking in Central Park in NYC...
Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!"
"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the policeman replied.
"But I am not even an American!" Says the man.
"Oh, what are you then?" The policeman asks.
The man replies, "I am a Saudi!"
The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."
Football with a blonde girlfriend
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
Kids are like smoking cigarettes.
I love them for about 5 minutes a day, until I realize that they are slowly killing me.
Jim Jefferies
How do you tell male flies from female flies?
After dinner a wife comes into the kitchen and sees her husband sitting at the dinner table with a fly swatter and asks what he is doing.
Husband: I'm killing flies. I already got two male flies and three females.
Wife: How do you know whether they are male or female.
Husband: Well, I got two on my beer and three on my wallet.
You can explore killing assassination reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean killing civilians dad jokes. There are also killing puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?
He went around killing gingers.
Why do only 9/10 dentists recommend Crest toothpaste?
The last dentist is busy killing a lion
If I was a serial killer my name would be "The suspense"
So my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me"
And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.
Why did Jesus start doing P90X after he was resurrected?
Crossfit was killing him
What are your views on abortion?
I'm undecided.
On one hand, I like killing babies, on the other, I don't like giving women a choice.
I'm really conflicted about abortion.
I support killing babies, but I don't support giving women a choice.
What's the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?
One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
I'm in the middle of hanging myself.
The suspense is killing me.
While playing in the backyard, Johnny kills a honeybee
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?
The Queen shouted at some pigeons and they died.
Talk about killing two birds with one's tone.
Where do you hide after killing a black person?
behind a badge
I was fed up with life and tried hanging myself from the side of a cliff, but I failed.
Now I'm just a cliffhanger and the suspense is killing me.
I was arrested for killing a black man
I thought I would be charged with murder, but instead I was charged with impersonating a police officer.
I really wish I knew who kicked the jack under the car which I was working on..
.. the suspension is killing me.
Want to know the secret to killing two birds with one stone?
Throw it twice.
CIA finally succeeded in killing Fidel Castro
Using the innovative 'Old age' technique
My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
I can't believe my back is killing me.
My spine has some nerve.
Just when you think 2016 has finished killing celebrities... WHAM
(George Michael)
I got arrested for killing a black man.
They charged me with impersonating a police officer.
Masturbating
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
When I get home im going to tear my wife's bra right off
The straps are killing me
Mother told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
Went for a few drinks, pretty cool guy actually. Wants to be a web developer.
I can't stand abortions
I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.
Abortion clinics should be banned
Those doctors demonstrate a complete lack of humanity. Spawn killing is a filthy tactic.
Aaron Hernandez died doing what he loved...
Killing people.
A treehouse is cruel...
It's like killing someone and then making their friends hold the dead body.
What did the father say when he was killing his kid with a vacuum?
Dyson.
8 dudes have as much wealth as 4 billion people. We need to start killing them
But it will take a while to kill 4 billion people
What's the difference between a ginger and a ninja?
One's a soulless killing machine. The other is a highly trained martial artist.
A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder
A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder. He argued that there was no way he could have done it, as he was in vacation in Prague for the week of the killing. The FBI took note of his travel records and let him go; his alibi czeched out.
I'm have mixed feelings about abortion.
On one hand, I love killing babies, on the other I hate giving women rights.
I once thanked a French guy to death
It was a merci killing
My wife thinks that my obsesion with Youtube is killing our marriage
Well do you think that it is? Comment down below! Like and sub to my channel.
Wife asked me what am I doing
Me: Killing Mosquitos
Wife: How many have you killed?
Me: Total 5. 2 Female and 3 Male
Wife: How did you know their gender?
Me: Three were near my beer bottle and two near my wallet
Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.
Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."
I'm undecided about abortion
on one side it's killing babies and I'm all for that, but it gives women a choice. Do we really want that?
Hey girl are u a brain tumor?
Cuz i cant get u outta my head and its killing me
Where is the best place to hide after killing someone?
Behind a badge..
President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."
People say I'm killing it at work lately
Might be a bad thing considering I'm a doctor
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that's on a killing spree?
They're saying he's a small medium at large.
I find abortion to be a difficult topic.
On one hand, i am for killing babies. But on the other hand, i don't want to give woman any more rights.
I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins...
They've been breaking camels' backs for years.
Terminator decided to stop killing and take up an honest job.
Now he's an exterminator
A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.
It's the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.
Where did the square go after killing the triangle?
To prism.
I never thought I'd be a good executioner...
But here I am, killing it.
The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.
Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.
California Condor
A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it." The judge said, "That is a tough story. I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like." The man replied, "It's really not bad. Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal."
I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.
4G must've fried their brains.
I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.
The cop said you know, the news says those things are killing people.
I chuckled and said they're saying the same thing about you guys.
He didn't laugh.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
I told my girlfriend she has a lot in common with cigarettes.
"awww is because you are addicted to me?" she replied
I said "no, you are costing me a fortune whilst slowly killing me"
I got sick of being an assasin; so I hired myself to off me.
Now my work is literally killing me.
Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it...
We had some drinks, cool guy, wants to be a web developer.
Two things that never get old:
1. Jokes about Anakin killing the younglings
2. The younglings
Once a man in the mafia, was tasked with killing another man.
He ended up killing him with a porcelain doll in a rice paddy.
It was the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.
What do you call killing your best friend ?
A homiecide
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office
A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotist's office
"I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I had an affair!" she sobbed.
"The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it never happened!"
The hypnotherapist shakes his head and sighs. "Not again...."
An Artist asks his model if she's okay with nudity
Model- Yes I am
Artist- Thank God! These pants were killing me!
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the killing swatter jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working killing murderer piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.