Killing Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

Masturbating

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.

He said, "What are you doing father?"

"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."

"Why father?" he asked.

"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.

I got arrested for killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

I was sexually active at 12

It's now 12:15 and my arm is killing me

8 dudes have as much wealth as 4 billion people. We need to start killing them

But it will take a while to kill 4 billion people

My doctor told me to start killing people.

Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

I'm really conflicted about abortion.

I support killing babies, but I don't support giving women a choice.

What did the father say when he was killing his kid with a vacuum?

Dyson.

I'm in the middle of hanging myself.

The suspense is killing me.

I can't stand abortions

I'm ok with killing babies... but the idea of a woman making decisions just doesn't sit right with me.

I once thanked a French guy to death

It was a merci killing

Why do only 9/10 dentists recommend Crest toothpaste?

The last dentist is busy killing a lion

Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went around killing gingers.

I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins...

They've been breaking camels' backs for years.

Where do you hide after killing a black person?

behind a badge

A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.

It's the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.

I really wish I knew who kicked the jack under the car which I was working on..

.. the suspension is killing me.

When I get home im going to tear my wife's bra right off

The straps are killing me

CIA finally succeeded in killing Fidel Castro

Using the innovative 'Old age' technique

If I was a serial killer my name would be "The suspense"

So my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me"

And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.

Aaron Hernandez died doing what he loved...

Killing people.

I'm undecided about abortion

on one side it's killing babies and I'm all for that, but it gives women a choice. Do we really want that?

What's the difference between Jack Daniels and John Wayne?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

My wife thinks that my obsesion with Youtube is killing our marriage

Well do you think that it is? Comment down below! Like and sub to my channel.

I was arrested for killing a black man

I thought I would be charged with murder, but instead I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

Abortion clinics should be banned

Those doctors demonstrate a complete lack of humanity. Spawn killing is a filthy tactic.

A man comes into his bedroom and sees his wife with his best friend in bed

The man quickly takes out his gun and shoots his best friend, killing him. The wife shouts - "If you continue with that attitude you are going to end up with no friends!"

I was fed up with life and tried hanging myself from the side of a cliff, but I failed.

Now I'm just a cliffhanger and the suspense is killing me.

Terminator decided to stop killing and take up an honest job.

Now he's an exterminator

An 8 year-old choir boy caught the Catholic priest masturbating

He said, What are you doing, Father?

The priest replied, It's called masturbating, the priest replied,

You'll be doing it soon.

Why, Father? he asked.

Because my wrist is killing me.

I really wish I knew who removed the jack from under the car I was working on.

The suspension is killing me.

What are your views on abortion?

I'm undecided.
On one hand, I like killing babies, on the other, I don't like giving women a choice.

I'm have mixed feelings about abortion.

On one hand, I love killing babies, on the other I hate giving women rights.

Hey girl are u a brain tumor?

Cuz i cant get u outta my head and its killing me

California Condor

A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it." The judge said, "That is a tough story. I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like." The man replied, "It's really not bad. Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal."

Where did the square go after killing the triangle?

To prism.

How do you tell male flies from female flies?

After dinner a wife comes into the kitchen and sees her husband sitting at the dinner table with a fly swatter and asks what he is doing.

Husband: I'm killing flies. I already got two male flies and three females.

Wife: How do you know whether they are male or female.

Husband: Well, I got two on my beer and three on my wallet.

I find abortion to be a difficult topic.

On one hand, i am for killing babies. But on the other hand, i don't want to give woman any more rights.

People say I'm killing it at work lately

Might be a bad thing considering I'm a doctor

Just when you think 2016 has finished killing celebrities... WHAM

(George Michael)

Want to know the secret to killing two birds with one stone?

Throw it twice.

Mother told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

Went for a few drinks, pretty cool guy actually. Wants to be a web developer.

Where do you hide after killing someone black?

Behind a badge

I can't believe my back is killing me.

My spine has some nerve.

Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that's on a killing spree?

They're saying he's a small medium at large.

Where is the best place to hide after killing someone?

Behind a badge..

A man was walking in Central Park in NYC...

Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".

The man says, "But I am not a New Yorker!"

"Oh ,then it will say in newspapers tomorrow morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" the policeman replied.

"But I am not even an American!" Says the man.

"Oh, what are you then?" The policeman asks.

The man replies, "I am a Saudi!"

The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."

The Queen shouted at some pigeons and they died.

Talk about killing two birds with one's tone.

President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

What's the difference between a ginger and a ninja?

One's a soulless killing machine. The other is a highly trained martial artist.

Football with a blonde girlfriend

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband...

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?", she asked.

"Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh, Killing any?" she asked.

"Yup. 3 males. 2 females" He responded.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on the beer can, and 2 were on the phone"

*Incredible*

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."

Some people think that killing animals with helium is wrong...

I don't judge…

Whatever floats your goat.

I never thought I'd be a good executioner...

But here I am, killing it.

While playing in the backyard, Johnny kills a honeybee

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?

Why did Jesus start doing P90X after he was resurrected?

Crossfit was killing him

Kids are like smoking cigarettes.

I love them for about 5 minutes a day, until I realize that they are slowly killing me.

Jim Jefferies

A treehouse is cruel...

It's like killing someone and then making their friends hold the dead body.

Wife asked me what am I doing

Me: Killing Mosquitos
Wife: How many have you killed?

Me: Total 5. 2 Female and 3 Male
Wife: How did you know their gender?

Me: Three were near my beer bottle and two near my wallet

Quit bugging me

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

I love to go to bookstores and ask "Hello, I'm looking for a book titled: How to deal with rejection without killing"

... do you have it? ...

A young religious couple is about to get married

When their car crashes, killing them both. They come to the gates of heaven and are greeted by Saint Peter. He tells them that they were both faithful in life and he welcomes them into God's Kingdom.

"Wait," says the man. "We were about to be married, but we died before the ceremony. Is it possible to get a marriage in heaven?"

Saint Peter thinks about it, but he can't think of an answer. He tells them to wait and he'll see what he can do.

While he's gone, the couple starts thinking about how final a marriage in heaven is. After all, a marriage on Earth is 'til death do us part- but a marriage in heaven would be truly eternal.

Days later, Saint Peter comes back. "It was tough," he said, "but I managed to arrange a ceremony for you two."

"That's all good and fine," says the couple, "but can we a also get a prenup, just in case?"

Saint Peter throws his hands up in the air in frustration and says, "It took me this long to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

probably won't get him laid

A guy walks into a bar and starts pretending to shoot arrows to a few girls. One of those girls smiles and gets closer to talk: "Hey, I saw that you threw me an arrow." she said while winking at him.

"Yes, I guess I did." came his reply.

"Who are you?", she asked. "Cupid throwing love arrows?"

"No, I'm Legolas killing orcs"

A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder

A man was brought to the FBI on suspicion of murder. He argued that there was no way he could have done it, as he was in vacation in Prague for the week of the killing. The FBI took note of his travel records and let him go; his alibi czeched out.

What's the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?

One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.

What are the funniest killing jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Killing? Well, here are the best Killing puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Killing pick up lines to share with friends.

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