The Best 90 Killer Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Killer jokes. There are some killer assassination jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these killer murderer puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Killer Jokes and Puns

For the past two years I've been looking for my ex girlfriend's killer

...But nobody will do it

I spent the past 2 years looking for my girlfriend's killer

But no one will do it

A woman is walking through the woods at night with a serial killer.

She says to her companion, "Man, this forest is really creepy at night. I wish we weren't out here."

He replies, "You think you have it bad? I have to walk home alone!"

Killer joke, A woman is walking through the woods at night with a serial killer.

Have you ever heard of the mexican train killer?

He had loco motives

What do you get when you cross a gangster and a serial killer?

Murdered.

(If you don't get it: "cross" can mean "betray")


What kind of murderer has moral fiber?

A cereal killer

Army commando recruitment - from India

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.

Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"

Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"

Killer joke, Army commando recruitment - from India

Did you hear about the serial killer who was coming out of retirement?

He's taking another stab at it.

I just spent two weeks in Vegas looking for my wife's killer...

but no one would do it.

So a rapist picks up a hitchhiking serial killer

Killer: "Turn down that dark road."

Rapist: "I was planning on it..."

Edit - Thank you magnificent stranger for gold!

I'm happy to say we finally found my ex husband's killer

You can explore killer assassinate reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean killer lethal dad jokes. There are also killer puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I've been trying to find my girlfriend's killer for the last month.

Nobody's agreeing to do it.

I spent the last two years trying to find my ex girlfriend's killer.

No one will do it.

What's a killer whale's favorite pasta?

Penguini

What do you call a band of killer whales?

An orcastra

Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their number one fear is the woman will be fat.

Killer joke, Women say their number one fear of online dating is the guy will be a serial killer. Men say their n

A pothead, a rapist and a dog killer walk into a bar.

The Steelers must be in town.

If I was a serial killer my name would be "The suspense"

So my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me"

And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.

I keep trying to find my wife's killer

But nobody will do it


They say in a group of friends, there's always one person who's probably a psychopathic killer.

There's no group now... I couldn't take that chance.

Killer Whales like classical music so much...

That they form Orcastras.

Serial Killer...

The police have caught a serial killer with a really bad stammer.

They said it'll be a while before he finishes his sentence.

Wanna hear a joke about overdosing on cocaine?

I can't remember all of it, but the last line's a killer.

Ive spent years searching for my ex-girlfriends killer...

But nobody will do it!

They say one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer....

So I threw Dave off a cliff just in case it was him.

I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-wife's killer...

...but no one will do it.

Me trying to impress a girl

Girl: I'm Into horror movies

Me: My dad's a serial killer

What's more dangerous than a serial killer?

A parallel killer.

What did the killer whale do when the boat came?

Swallowed all the seamen

Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009...

They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.

I've searched high and low for my brother's killer

but nobody is willing to do it.

Police were on the lookout for serial killer John Wayne Gacy

They stepped into a corner store for some coffee and saw a guy in back where the milk cartons are.
Cop 1: "Hey, that looks like our suspect!"
Cop 2: "What's he doing?"
Cop 1: "Talking to himself. Let's get closer."
So they go up right behind him and listen.
Gacy:"Need him. Got him. Got him. Got him. Need him. Got him...."

The real Zodiac Killer is...

Cancer.

What do you call Salvador Dali after multiple homicide?

A surreal killer.

The police caught a serial killer who targeted gingers.

At his trial, he kept insisting he'd never harmed a soul.

What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?

An orca-stra.

What do a serial killer and a prolific gardener have in common?

Both of their sheds are filled with hoes.

You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie

and you relate more with the killer.

A guy picks up a female hitchiker...

And when they're on the road, he jokingly asks "Lady, how do you know I'm not some kind of psychotic serial killer?".

"I dunno, but I guess the odds are pretty low that you're one too.".

I've spent a year looking for my wife's killer...

...but no one will take the job.

I've been searching for months for my girlfriend's killer...

...but no one will do it.

What did the spoon dress up as to the Halloween party?

A cereal killer.

A teacher asked in a class full of blondes who killed Abraham Lincoln

A student said It wasn't me
Second blonde said I was absent yesterday
Another blonde I couldn't kill a fly and you ask me if I killed a human being

The teacher frustratingly left the classroom and head to the principal,whose happen to be blonde.

She heard the story and went to the class.

She left the classroom and asked the teacher are you sure the killer in this class?

I've been searching for two years to find my wife's killer

So far, nobody will take the job.

For the past six years I've been trying to find my mother-in-law's killer...

...but nobody wants the job.

(Courtesy of Steve Pemberton & Reece Shearsmith)

Today I found out my buddy Vlad is a serial killer...

...so I said: "Vladizlav, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more..."

Told my girlfriend that I've started writing a book about a serial killer that murders his lover.

She said, "That sounds exciting. I love thrillers."

I said, "It's not a thriller, it's an autobiography."

I've spent more than four years looking for my mother in law's killer.

But I can't find anyone to do it!

I've been looking for 3 years to find my wife's killer.....

I still haven't found anyone to do it

What kind of contract killer has two butts?

An assassin

My girlfriend wanted a favor from me

Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident

Me: Say no more

LATER

Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

My friend was a violent serial killer...

Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.
Fast-forward to day of execution.
Guard straps him in.

Guard: "Any last requests?"
Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"
Guard: "The electric current is going to be started now, what happens next will shock you"

Did you guys hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had a loco motive.

Picked up a hitchhiker last night

He said thanks! how do you know i'm not a serial killer though?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical

So I picked up a hitchhiker the other day...

After he got in he turned to me and jokingly said "Thanks, by the way how do you know I'm not a serial killer or something". I replied, "C'mon, the chances of /two/ serial killers being in the same car are astronomical".

I was trying to console the wife of a serial killer who committed suicide.

I said, Hey, at least he died doing what he loved.

Judge: "How can you live with your guilt?"

Killer: "Better than my victims."

A man was being interviewed for a job in CIA

Interviewer: We want a person with suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly having a killer Instinct. So, do you think you are eligible?

Man: Sir... Can my wife apply?

Movies

Friend 1: I just watched a film in which a man's wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and has to chase thr kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.

Friend 2 : Uhhh....what was it called?

Friend 1: Finding Nemo

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

A vietnamese contract killer named Pung burst into a bar and promptly murdered the 10 people inside.

Pung in, ten dead.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.

A cop fills him in on what happened.

Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy

Wow says the detective, looking up at the train in question.

That's some locomotive

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. Thanks but why'd you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?

I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.

Marine biologists have discovered a group of killer whales that regularly meets and plays music together.

They call it an orca-stra.

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex's killer.

But no one will do it.

What do yo get if you're inducted into the serial killer hall of fame?

A lifetime dismembership.

What did the racist serial killer say to the cop?

Wait, you're getting paid?

Today there's been another gruesome murder by the killer that police have nicknamed "The knitting needles killer"

Police fear he may be working to a pattern

A Frenchman is arrested for murder

He is convicted by an eye-witness acount. He then breaks out of jail and stabs his witness with a baguette. The witness' son sees this and stabs the killer with another baguette.
Vengeance baguettes more vengeance.

I've spend the last 10 years looking for my mother in law's killer...

But nobody will do it!

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

A serial killer was celebrating his cake day when he was nabbed by the police.

As he was escorted, he heard a voice shouted, I've told you karma will come to bite you!

I picked up a hitchhiker the other day. He said "you're brave, how do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I said "the chances of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical"

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?

Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?

Suspect : Well that asshole ran towards the other 10.

If you are being chased by a serial killer.

Both of you are running for your life.

I heard that 1 in every 5 people from a group have the potential to be a serial killer

So I killed them all just to be safe.

If there is a Serial killer inside your house, What is the safest place to hide?

In the living room.

I read that Snap, Crackle and Pop were found murdered along with Captain Crunch and Tony the Tiger

Authorities suspect it's the work of a cereal killer.

Did you hear the joke about polio?

It used to be killer, but no one gets it anymore.

Picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He asked me "How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I responded "Haha! What are the chances there'd be 2 serial killers in 1 car at the same time?"

A supervillain walks into a bank and says, "I'm Mr Marijuana Frostbite...!

...and I'm a stoned cold killer!"

I have been looking for my wife's killer for years now

Sadly no-one will take the job

Oedipus wants to learn of his fate.

He travels to Thebes to consult the blind prophet Tiresias and asks him, "What does my future hold?"

Tiresias thinks quietly for a time and answers, "First you'll murder your father."

Oedipus is shocked to hear that he'll become a killer, but there must be more to his fate.

He asks, "What happens next?"

"Then you'll take his throne."

Oedipus is pleased to hear that he'll become king, but there must be more to his fate.

"And what happens next?"

"Then you'll sleep with Joe."

Oedipus is confused.

"Who's Joe?"

After getting away with murder for 52 years, the Zodiac Killer has revealed his identity to the press.

He didn't want to be associated with Ted Cruz.

What do you call someone with a lisp who murders angels and ghosts?

Ethereal killer

Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play

The orcana

Killer

A grandson asks his grandfather:

Grampa did you get to kill anyone when you were in the army?

Yes, I killed more than 50 men.

But I tought you were an helicopter mechanic!

Yes, but not a good one.

My neighbor's yard is so vibrant and colorful.

Good thing I switched his weed killer to MiracleGro.

Did anyone hear about the serial killer who is targeting Anti-Vaxxers?

Covid-19

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the killer kill jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working killer executioner piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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