Killed Jokes

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

Whose point is it anyway?

A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."
The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."
The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."
The doctor said, "My point exactly!"

Hunger Games : Mockingjay

For the last installments of the Hunger Games series, the director has decided to make a change. In the new movies, Philip Seymour Hoffman will unexpectedly be killed by the heroine.

George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when...

...his secretary walks in with a phone in his hand.
He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."
Upon hearing this The President says, "Oh my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.
The entire Cabinet was stunned. Usually George Bush showed no reaction whatsoever to these types of reports.
Just then, Bush looked up and said, "How many is a Brazilian??"

Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question:

Why were they all holding bags of candy?

A falling battery killed a man today.

It was charged with m**....

Three drunk guys get into a taxi.

The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."
The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

Police talking on the radio...

* Sergeant, we've arrived at the scene.
* So, what's the situation?
* A woman killed her husband. There were 35 stab wounds, two gunshot wounds, and after decapitating him, she finally burned his body.
* Wow, what was the reason she gave for the crime?
* He stepped where she was cleaning the floor.
* Did you manage to capture the woman?
* No, Sergeant. We are waiting for the floor to dry ...

My grandmother died a few weeks ago. We had her cremated.

We think that's what killed her.

I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

I should make a monument in my yard dedicated to the guy who killed h**....

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my god... How many is a Brazilian?"

Chuck Norris joke, cause it's been a while

Chuck Norris pull the pin in a grenade, threw it, killed 50 men, and then the grenade exploded.

What do you get if you cross a highway with a fridge?

Killed.

A man is following the Oregon Trail. He meets a man named Terry...

"Terry? What a s**... name!"
Terry killed him.
He died from dissin' Terry.

News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.

Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.

They say there's a person capable of m**... in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.

Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter?

He killed all 140 characters.

A Muslim guy killed 50 people in a mass shooting…

Who says they can't integrate into American culture?

I f**... in front of my Jewish friend...

He glared at me.
I said, "What? A little gas never killed anyone !"

I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet.

I defeated him.

Curiosity killed the cat...

NASA sincerely apologizes...

My phone just replaced the word "killed" with "kilt."

Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.

Ya gotta give h**... credit for one thing...

He killed h**....

Which clown has killed the most people?

Ronald McDonald

A colleague of mine fell into a vat of chemicals.

Ironically, his quick reaction killed him.

I'm pretty sure God is a Black Woman

Who else would be a single parent whose Son was killed by the authorities under suspicious circumstances?

So there we were, 2 vs 100. We prepared our attack and started off strong...

Killed 'em both.

h**... wasn't such a bad guy

After all he did kill h**.... Then again... He killed the guy who killed h**....

A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."

"That she was killed by a giant crab."

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.
"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.
"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

Why was Six afraid of Seven?

Because Seven ate nine grams of bath salts and then killed all of the other numbers.

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

I went mad when I found out my mum used to have s**... with animals before I was born...

I killed her with my bear hands.

Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people

Then the grenade exploded.

I was having s**... with this german schoolgirl the other day

I was really into it, but she totally killed the mood by shouting her age the entire time

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him

So he tracked down nothing and killed it

I killed four people by looking them yesterday.

They found a cat on mars...

A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

My girlfriend and I planned to commit s**... together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

What clown has killed more children than "It"?

Ronald McDonald.

News just in:

Someone has been killed with a starter p**... !!!
Police think it might be race related..............

An Arab and a Jew stand in front of a h**... statue.

The Jew spits on the statue.
Arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.
The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.

My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2

He was the s**... mechanic the luftwaffe had.

I saw Santa Claus having s**... with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.

It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.

What do you get if you cross Prince Charles and The Queen?

Killed in a tunnel

During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.

He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the m**... of Juan Gonzalez.

How was he killed asked one detective. With a golf gun. Replied the second detective.
A golf gun? What's a golf gun?
I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan

My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans.

Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe

My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed

He was going to tell his parents

Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?

They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?
The m**... said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.
So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'
Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?
Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the m**.... After all, good comedy is all about execution.

I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa .
Credits to u/Josh1804

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him

I just killed a massive spider crawling across the floor with my shoe.

I don't really care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

I read about a feudal uprising where a duke's son was killed by rebels.

They used a trebuchet to knock him off the battlements with the only available ordinance: a peasant's decapitated head.
It was the first recorded instance of a serf-face-to-heir missile.

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit m**...

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband

One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."
Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"
The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"
Dispatch asks "well do you have her in custody yet?"
"No not yet" the officer says
Dispatch says "Why not?"
The officer hesitates for a moment, then finally replies "well the floor still looks wet"

2 Russians are robbing a bank...

2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"
Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"
Russian 1 (to the woman): "What's your name?"
Woman: "Sofia"
Russian 1 (to Russian 2): "I can't kill her... My wife has the same name..."
Russian 2: "Then kill that kid that's sitting beside her."
Russian 1 (to the kid): "What's your name?"
Kid: "Billy, but everybody calls me Sofia"

I always wondered why you hear stories of vampires in Europe but never Africa.

Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water, and they bless the rain down in Africa

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.

The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and *bang* they kill him.
The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." *Bang*. He, too, is killed.
The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to die?"
And he responds "old age".

A big angry man walks into a bar and says "Who has the Chihuahua t**... out front"?

A man in the back of the bar stands up and says "That's my Chihuahua"
"Well, he just killed my Rottweiler!"
" What?!! How did your Rottweiler get killed by my Chihuahua?!!"
" I think he choked on him".

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 men.

It exploded and killed 20 more. Then he threw the pin and killed 10 more men.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed twenty people.

Then it exploded.

Chuck Norris killed 5 people with a sword

Then 20 more without the sheath

Chuck Norris killed 100 men with just one bullet

There was no gun

An actual joke that was told by Jews during World War II

An SS man says to a Jew in a concentration camp: "You are to be killed today, but I will give you a chance. One of my eyes is a glass eye. If you can guess which one it is, I will give you your life."
The Jew looks at the SS man and says, "The left one, Herr Corporal."
"That is correct. How did you recognize it?"
"Because it looks so human."

What do possums and the Detroit Tigers have in common?

Both play dead at home & get killed on the road.

Son, I killed 12 people in Afghanistan

Son: Dad you were a cook.
Dad:Never said I was a good one

Snakes are the fastest growing animals, said a kid to his father.

The father: how did you know ?
The kid: my old brother killed a 40-inch-long snake, and everytime he tells the story the snake's length increases by 20 inches.