The Best 97 Killed Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Killed jokes. There are some killed shot jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these killed dying puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Killed Jokes and Puns

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife.

Nothing, he's Gladiator.

Brazillian

So it's 2004 and the War in Iraq is raging on.

President Bush calls Sec. Rumsfeld into the Oval Office to discuss the campaign.

Rumsfeld begins by saying, "Sir, there have been no American deaths today. But we do have word that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed."

Much Rumsfeld's surprise, President Bush begins crying and banging his hands on the desk in the office.

Rumsfeld says, "Sir, what's wrong?"

Bush replies under his heavy sobs, "Exactly how many is a Brazillian?"

jokes about killed

I'm immortal

Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?

"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."

"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."

"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."

Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.

Kind of makes me immortal.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday....

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, Β“Fuck it, soldier on!Β”

What do you call it when a chickpea gets killed?

Hummuside

Killed joke, What do you call it when a chickpea gets killed?

Whose point is it anyway?

A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."

The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."

The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."

The doctor said, "My point exactly!"

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.

"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.

"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.

"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"

Hunger Games : Mockingjay

For the last installments of the Hunger Games series, the director has decided to make a change. In the new movies, Philip Seymour Hoffman will unexpectedly be killed by the heroine.

George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when...

...his secretary walks in with a phone in his hand.

He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

Upon hearing this The President says, "Oh my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet was stunned. Usually George Bush showed no reaction whatsoever to these types of reports.

Just then, Bush looked up and said, "How many is a Brazilian??"

You can explore killed road kill reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean killed die dad jokes. There are also killed puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I killed a vampire last Halloween

...or a kid. Either way, the wooden stake worked.

Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question:

Why were they all holding bags of candy?

vintage Bush joke

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

They say curiosity killed the cat,

but what I want to know is how the cat got to Mars in the first place

A falling battery killed a man today.

It was charged with murder.

Killed joke, A falling battery killed a man today.

4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

Three drunk guys get into a taxi.

The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."

The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"

"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

Police talking on the radio...

* Sergeant, we've arrived at the scene.
* So, what's the situation?
* A woman killed her husband. There were 35 stab wounds, two gunshot wounds, and after decapitating him, she finally burned his body.
* Wow, what was the reason she gave for the crime?
* He stepped where she was cleaning the floor.
* Did you manage to capture the woman?
* No, Sergeant. We are waiting for the floor to dry ...


Why Aren't There Riots When White People Get Killed?

Because white people have work in the morning.

My grandmother died a few weeks ago. We had her cremated.

We think that's what killed her.

I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

I should make a monument in my yard dedicated to the guy who killed Hitler.

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my god... How many is a Brazilian?"

Chuck Norris joke, cause it's been a while

Chuck Norris pull the pin in a grenade, threw it, killed 50 men, and then the grenade exploded.

What do you get if you cross a highway with a fridge?

Killed.

Killed joke, What do you get if you cross a highway with a fridge?

Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because we killed the one who had a dream.
Happy MLK day

A man is following the Oregon Trail. He meets a man named Terry...

"Terry? What a stupid name!"

Terry killed him.

He died from dissin' Terry.

News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.

Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.


They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.

Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter?

He killed all 140 characters.

A Muslim guy killed 50 people in a mass shooting…

Who says they can't integrate into American culture?

I farted in front of my Jewish friend...

He glared at me.

I said, "What? A little gas never killed anyone !"

I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet.

I defeated him.


Curiosity killed the cat...

NASA sincerely apologizes...

Roses are Red, Violets are blue......

who killed harambe?

Cincinnati zoo

My phone just replaced the word "killed" with "kilt."

Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.

An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"

The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"

The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.

"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.

The American turns around. "He killed my wife."

Ya gotta give Hitler credit for one thing...

He killed Hitler.

Which clown has killed the most people?

Ronald McDonald

A colleague of mine fell into a vat of chemicals.

Ironically, his quick reaction killed him.

I'm pretty sure God is a Black Woman

Who else would be a single parent whose Son was killed by the authorities under suspicious circumstances?

So there we were, 2 vs 100. We prepared our attack and started off strong...

Killed 'em both.

Hitler wasn't such a bad guy

After all he did kill Hitler. Then again... He killed the guy who killed Hitler.

A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."

"That she was killed by a giant crab."

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

Why was Six afraid of Seven?

Because Seven ate nine grams of bath salts and then killed all of the other numbers.

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

I went mad when I found out my mum used to have sex with animals before I was born...

I killed her with my bear hands.

Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people

Then the grenade exploded.

I was having sex with this german schoolgirl the other day

I was really into it, but she totally killed the mood by shouting her age the entire time

Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven

At the gate, St. Peter says, "because your beautiful voice and amazing talent brought happiness to so many people, we'll grant you one wish".

Chris thought about it for a moment and replied, "I'd like the world to be a kinder, better place".

So St. Peter killed Roger Ailes.

The guy who killed Hitler is my hero

Oh wait...

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him

So he tracked down nothing and killed it

I killed four people by looking them yesterday.

Curiosity killed the...

...white people in horror movies.

They found a cat on mars...

A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

What clown has killed more children than "It"?

Ronald McDonald.

News just in:

Someone has been killed with a starter pistol !!!

Police think it might be race related..............

I killed the glove industry

With my bare hands

An Arab and a Jew stand in front of a Hitler statue.

The Jew spits on the statue.
Arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.

The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.

My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2

He was the shittiest mechanic the luftwaffe had.

I saw Santa Claus having sex with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.

It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.

What do you get if you cross Prince Charles and The Queen?

Killed in a tunnel

During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.

He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

How was he killed asked one detective. With a golf gun. Replied the second detective.

A golf gun? What's a golf gun?

I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan

My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans.

Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe

My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed

He was going to tell his parents

Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?

They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

That's a lot of zeros

An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump:

"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."

Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this.
He sinks back in his chair, saying oh my god over and over.

Then he composes himself and says:

Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

a pun walked in, killed 10 people, the news paper headline was..

Pun in, 10 dead.

Why are there no cats on Mars?

Because curiosity killed them all.

A woman was walking along the street when she got plowed into by a vehicle and killed...

The police had a tough time identifying her, but they were able to get a picture from the DMV.

They walked up to her house and rang the doorbell.

"Sir, do you know this woman?"

"Yes it's my wife"

(Deep sigh) "Sir, I'm not really sure how to break this to you... but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck."

The man replied, "Yeah, I know... but she's a wonderful cook!"

I was wondering why there were so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa, and than I realized Vampires are killed by Holy water...

They blessed the rains down in Africa.

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?

The murderer said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'

Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?

Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the murderer. After all, good comedy is all about execution.

I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa .

Credits to u/Josh1804

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him

I just killed a massive spider crawling across the floor with my shoe.

I don't really care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

I read about a feudal uprising where a duke's son was killed by rebels.

They used a trebuchet to knock him off the battlements with the only available ordinance: a peasant's decapitated head.

It was the first recorded instance of a serf-face-to-heir missile.

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband

One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."

Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"

The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"

Dispatch asks "well do you have her in custody yet?"

"No not yet" the officer says

Dispatch says "Why not?"

The officer hesitates for a moment, then finally replies "well the floor still looks wet"

2 Russians are robbing a bank...

2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"

Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"

Russian 1 (to the woman): "What's your name?"

Woman: "Sofia"

Russian 1 (to Russian 2): "I can't kill her... My wife has the same name..."

Russian 2: "Then kill that kid that's sitting beside her."

Russian 1 (to the kid): "What's your name?"

Kid: "Billy, but everybody calls me Sofia"

A Photographer was killed on the job.

His photography subjects tried to warn him but apparently a giant wheel of coagulated milk crushed him.

A couple are driving and get involved in a huge crash.

The wife is thrown from the car and killed instantly. The husband wasnt hurt severely from the crash by wearing his seat belt.

When emergency services arrive the man is screaming for his wife and rolling around in pain. Police come and inform him his wife died in the collision.

The man clutching between his legs in pain says "did you see if she had anything in her mouth".

Neo-nazis don't praise Hitler

They praise the man who killed him

News just in of a honeymooner killed in a shark attack off the Perth Coast. The man had been married very recently. A police spokesman said

Fortunately the man did not suffer too much as he had only been married 5 days

What did the person who killed Notorious BIG say afterwards?

No biggie.

Police: "Why did you kill those 52 people?"

Driver: "I was going downhill and my brakes weren't working, I had to hit myself against something to stop.

There were 2 cliffs, one with 50 people in front of it and one with 2.

I decided that getting two people killed is better than killing 50 so I went towards them.

And then they ran towards the others."

my friend was found dead in a drain.

The police said he had killed himself.

"How can you be sure" I asked.

They said "it's clearly sewer-cide"

I was going to post a joke about abortion

But Reddit killed it before I could deliver it

I can do anything better than you

Three Vampires trying to outdo one another. The first went away, come back with blood trickling out the side of his mouth. "I killed the whole family. The 2nd one went and comeback with even more blood. I killed the whole town. 3rd one goes away. Comes back, his whole body is saturated with blood. Wow look at you.
He goes, "You see those bunch of trees down there".
They goΒ "Yes".
He goes "Well I fucken didn't".

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the killed raped jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working killed rectum piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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