The Best 97 Killed Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Killed jokes. There are some killed shot jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these killed dying puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Killed Jokes and Puns

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife.

Nothing, he's Gladiator.

Killed joke, What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife.

Brazillian

So it's 2004 and the War in Iraq is raging on.

President Bush calls Sec. Rumsfeld into the Oval Office to discuss the campaign.

Rumsfeld begins by saying, "Sir, there have been no American deaths today. But we do have word that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed."

Much Rumsfeld's surprise, President Bush begins crying and banging his hands on the desk in the office.

Rumsfeld says, "Sir, what's wrong?"

Bush replies under his heavy sobs, "Exactly how many is a Brazillian?"

I'm immortal

Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?

"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."

"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."

"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."

Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.

Kind of makes me immortal.


I almost killed my whole family

I almost killed my whole family last night, but eventually chose not to let my wife drive.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday....

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, Β“Fuck it, soldier on!Β”

Killed joke, After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yeste

What do you call it when a chickpea gets killed?

Hummuside

Whose point is it anyway?

A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."

The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."

The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."

The doctor said, "My point exactly!"

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.

"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.

"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.

"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"

Hunger Games : Mockingjay

For the last installments of the Hunger Games series, the director has decided to make a change. In the new movies, Philip Seymour Hoffman will unexpectedly be killed by the heroine.

You can explore killed road kill reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean killed die dad jokes. There are also killed puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when...

...his secretary walks in with a phone in his hand.

He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

Upon hearing this The President says, "Oh my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet was stunned. Usually George Bush showed no reaction whatsoever to these types of reports.

Just then, Bush looked up and said, "How many is a Brazilian??"

I killed a vampire last Halloween

...or a kid. Either way, the wooden stake worked.

Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question:

Why were they all holding bags of candy?

vintage Bush joke

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Why do black men have nightmares?

We killed the only one who had a dream.

Killed joke, Why do black men have nightmares?

They say curiosity killed the cat,

but what I want to know is how the cat got to Mars in the first place

A falling battery killed a man today.

It was charged with murder.

4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.


Three drunk guys get into a taxi.

The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."

The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"

"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"

Police talking on the radio...

* Sergeant, we've arrived at the scene.
* So, what's the situation?
* A woman killed her husband. There were 35 stab wounds, two gunshot wounds, and after decapitating him, she finally burned his body.
* Wow, what was the reason she gave for the crime?
* He stepped where she was cleaning the floor.
* Did you manage to capture the woman?
* No, Sergeant. We are waiting for the floor to dry ...

Why Aren't There Riots When White People Get Killed?

Because white people have work in the morning.

My grandmother died a few weeks ago. We had her cremated.

We think that's what killed her.

I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

I should make a monument in my yard dedicated to the guy who killed Hitler.

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my god... How many is a Brazilian?"

Chuck Norris joke, cause it's been a while

Chuck Norris pull the pin in a grenade, threw it, killed 50 men, and then the grenade exploded.

What do you get if you cross a highway with a fridge?

Killed.

Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because we killed the one who had a dream.
Happy MLK day

A man is following the Oregon Trail. He meets a man named Terry...

"Terry? What a stupid name!"

Terry killed him.

He died from dissin' Terry.

News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.

Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.

Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter?

He killed all 140 characters.

A Muslim guy killed 50 people in a mass shooting…

Who says they can't integrate into American culture?

I farted in front of my Jewish friend...

He glared at me.

I said, "What? A little gas never killed anyone !"

I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet.

I defeated him.

What's the difference between a mad engineer and a mad scientist?

The mad engineer builds an efficient, well-desined death ray and destroys the world in one blow.

The mad scientist builds his death ray and divides the world into three randomised groups: an experimental group to be killed, a control group to be spared and a group that is told they are dead to account for the placebo effect.

A blond girl turns on the radio and hears that 2 Brazilian men were killed

As she starts to cry she asks "How many is a Brazilian?"

Curiosity killed the cat...

NASA sincerely apologizes...

Roses are Red, Violets are blue......

who killed harambe?

Cincinnati zoo

My phone just replaced the word "killed" with "kilt."

Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.

An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"

The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"

The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.

"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.

The American turns around. "He killed my wife."

Ya gotta give Hitler credit for one thing...

He killed Hitler.

Which clown has killed the most people?

Ronald McDonald

A colleague of mine fell into a vat of chemicals.

Ironically, his quick reaction killed him.

I'm pretty sure God is a Black Woman

Who else would be a single parent whose Son was killed by the authorities under suspicious circumstances?

So there we were, 2 vs 100. We prepared our attack and started off strong...

Killed 'em both.

Hitler wasn't such a bad guy

After all he did kill Hitler. Then again... He killed the guy who killed Hitler.

A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."

"That she was killed by a giant crab."

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

If I killed all of your friends.

I still wouldn't be a murderer

Why was Six afraid of Seven?

Because Seven ate nine grams of bath salts and then killed all of the other numbers.

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

I went mad when I found out my mum used to have sex with animals before I was born...

I killed her with my bear hands.

Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people

Then the grenade exploded.

I was having sex with this german schoolgirl the other day

I was really into it, but she totally killed the mood by shouting her age the entire time

Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven

At the gate, St. Peter says, "because your beautiful voice and amazing talent brought happiness to so many people, we'll grant you one wish".

Chris thought about it for a moment and replied, "I'd like the world to be a kinder, better place".

So St. Peter killed Roger Ailes.

The guy who killed Hitler is my hero

Oh wait...

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him

So he tracked down nothing and killed it

I killed four people by looking them yesterday.

How to tell whether someone is an idiot

Doctor, how can you tell whether someone is an idiot, even if he looks normal to you?

For that, we have special questions.

Can you name an example?

Mountaineer Brown climbed Mount Everest three times but he was killed during one of these ascents. Can you tell me which one?

But doctor, that surely won't work for people like me who know nothing about mountaineering.

Curiosity killed the...

...white people in horror movies.

They found a cat on mars...

A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

What clown has killed more children than "It"?

Ronald McDonald.

News just in:

Someone has been killed with a starter pistol !!!

Police think it might be race related..............

I killed the glove industry

With my bare hands

An Arab and a Jew stand in front of a Hitler statue.

The Jew spits on the statue.
Arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.

The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.

My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2

He was the shittiest mechanic the luftwaffe had.

I saw Santa Claus having sex with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.

It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.

What do you get if you cross Prince Charles and The Queen?

Killed in a tunnel

During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.

He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

How was he killed asked one detective. With a golf gun. Replied the second detective.

A golf gun? What's a golf gun?

I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan

My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans.

Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe

My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed

He was going to tell his parents

Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?

They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

That's a lot of zeros

An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump:

"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."

Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this.
He sinks back in his chair, saying oh my god over and over.

Then he composes himself and says:

Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"

Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

a pun walked in, killed 10 people, the news paper headline was..

Pun in, 10 dead.

A little boy killed a butterfly.

His dad looked at him disappointed and said,
"Son, because you killed that butterfly you won't get butter for a week."

A month later he killed a honeybee, his dad looked at him and said,
"Son, because you killed that honeybee you won't get honey for a week."

The boy looks at his father and says, "I also killed a cockroach."

The dad laughs at him and said, "Nice Try!"

Why are there no cats on Mars?

Because curiosity killed them all.

A woman was walking along the street when she got plowed into by a vehicle and killed...

The police had a tough time identifying her, but they were able to get a picture from the DMV.

They walked up to her house and rang the doorbell.

"Sir, do you know this woman?"

"Yes it's my wife"

(Deep sigh) "Sir, I'm not really sure how to break this to you... but it looks like your wife was hit by a truck."

The man replied, "Yeah, I know... but she's a wonderful cook!"

Why was Mars overrun with mice?

Curiosity killed the cat.

I was wondering why there were so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa, and than I realized Vampires are killed by Holy water...

They blessed the rains down in Africa.

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?

The murderer said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'

Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?

Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the murderer. After all, good comedy is all about execution.

I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa .

Credits to u/Josh1804

I was confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa.

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

A guy murders his parents.

He is presented in front of a judge and he begs the judge to show mercy while delivering his punishment.

The judge says to him, "You killed your own parents. Why would I show mercy to you?"

The guy looks at the judge and says, "Well, because I am an orphan."

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma's zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

My swimming instructor asked me what my favourite stroke was.

Apparently "The one that killed Margaret Thatcher" wasn't the right answer.

Murder investigation Australia

When some one is killed by violence in Australia

the detectives have it easy, they just wait and see who the boomerang

comes back to.

The doctor gave me 2 years to live so I killed him

...the judge gave me 15 years in prison

A man walks into a bar.

A man walks into a bar and asks,

"Does anyone here own the Rottweiler outside?"

"Yeah, I do!" says a biker, standing up. "What about it?"

"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." The man hesitated.

"What are you talking about?!" the biker says in disbelief. "How could your little runt kill my Rottweiler?"

"Well, he got stuck in your dog's throat."

I was at a hospital, talking to some patients.

I tried to lighten the mood with a coronavirus joke. Barely anyone reacted at first, but eventually everyone got it. However, the Chinese guy got it right off the bat. Some people have called my joke tasteless, however. It really killed the mood. But I bet the British variation of this joke will spread much quicker!

A man in China was killed by a group of underaged doctors.

He died by euthanasia.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the killed raped jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working killed rectum piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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