Kill Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...

School is my answer

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

PETA is like a box of chocolates

They kill dogs

If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don't know either.

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don't tell you is that it cures salmon

Smoking will kill you ...



Bacon will kill you...

But, smoking bacon will cure it.

My wife screamed in pain during labor...

"What's wrong, honey?" I asked.

"*What's wrong*!?" she screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"

"I am sorry, babe," I replied. "*What is* wrong?"

If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate

They'll kill your dog

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

Police are like a box of chocolates....

They'll kill your dog.

A woman goes into a pharmacy

She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

I like my women like I like my microwave

Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.

My girlfriend is a pornstar

She will kill me if she finds out.

My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back.

Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?

8 dudes have as much wealth as 4 billion people. We need to start killing them

But it will take a while to kill 4 billion people

Why did Logan Paul go to the suicide forest?

To kill his career.

Can you kill someone with a throwing star?

Shuriken.

Most serial killers are men.

That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many many years.

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.

See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.

*

Why did the Jedi kill his master?

To get to the other side.

I'm going to kill myself....

or die trying.

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...

"My mom is gonna kill me."

I like my women like I like my microwaves...

Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

I hate when people don't leave a suicide note.

Would it kill them to write few sentences?

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm fucked...'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''

''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.

''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.

The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.

As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're fucked...''

Two prisoners are on death row

And the day of their execution has come.

The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"

"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.

The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.

"Kill me first."

I killed four people by looking them yesterday.

My wife told me to stop singing "I'm a believer" or she'd kill me. I thought she was joking...

...and then I saw her face...

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man ?

None.

How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby.

You'd be way too short and weak.

An Arab and a Jew stand in front of a Hitler statue.

The Jew spits on the statue.
Arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.

The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.

Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land

What do a pregnant teen and her baby have in common?

Both of their moms are gonna kill 'em

Clever Insult joke

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

My friend called me today and said he was going to kill himself by jumping off of a cliff that overlooked a body of water unless I stopped specifying the names of geological formations for him.

I said back, "That's a bluff".

Hitler dies and God calls him

After Hitler dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".

God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".

"See, not even you care about Jews!"

Went to the hardware store today...

I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants.

Old man says "nope, it'll kill em"

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.

Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

Give a man corn and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to grow corn and he'll kill you and steal your land.

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin.

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin at a table. He asks them what they were doing and was told that they were planning WW3.
Hitler says, "We are going to kill 15 million jews, and a bicycle repairman."
The man, confused asks, "Why the bicycle repairman?"
Hitler turns to Stalin and tells him, "See? I told you no one would care about the 15 million Jews!"

What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?

They both thought "my Mom's gonna kill me."

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

Tobacco companies kill their best customers

And condom companies kill their future customers.

What's the one food guaranteed to kill a woman's sex drive?

Wedding cake.

A church has a rat problem

The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.

Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.

How did 8 kill 18?

8/8/18

So an old lady's husband dies...

The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

Why do doctors recommend apple juice?

Cause OJ will kill you.

I'm not sure about my stand on the abortion issue....

On one side, I love to kill babies but on the other side, I hate to give women a choice.

What do pregnant teenagers and their babies have in common?

They both think,"Oh god, my mom is going to kill me".

Why did the French chef kill himself?

He lost his huile d'olive

My girlfriend wanted a favor from me

Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident

Me: Say no more

LATER

Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him

So he tracked down nothing and killed it

Which cheese is made backwards?

Edam!

(Kill me)

I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet.

I defeated him.

If I was a serial killer my name would be "The suspense"

So my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me"

And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin...

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin sitting at a table. He walks up to them and asks what they are doing. Hitler says were planning WW3. The man asks what's going to happen this time. Hitler says this time were going to kill 15 million Jews and a bicycle repair man. The man asks why a bicycle repair man. Hitler turns to Stalin and says see I told you know one would care about the 15 million Jews.

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Why is a cop like a box of chocolates?

They'll kill your dog.

How did the triangle kill itself?

It used a hypotenuse.

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

When he asked them who was greatest composer, they all said "Bach Bach Bach Bach."

What are the funniest kill jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Kill? Well, here are the best Kill puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Kill pick up lines to share with friends.

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