kill Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious kill puns

Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

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A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...

School is my answer

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...

School is my answer

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PETA is like a box of chocolates

They kill dogs

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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....

"School" is my answer.

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The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.

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If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

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I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

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What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don't know either.

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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

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A man finds out his wife is cheating on him...

So he walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "Why are you looking so blue?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is cheating on me. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death. I'll have some whiskey please."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry, but I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender thinks for a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous. Suddenly the man walks back into the bar with a big smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

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Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don't tell you is that it cures salmon

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What does a pregnant fourteen year old and the fetus inside her have in common?

They're both thinking, Shit, my mom is gonna kill me!

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Smoking will kill you ...



Bacon will kill you...

But, smoking bacon will cure it.

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A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"

He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."

"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies.

The man turns and starts walking away.

"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"

"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.

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Two guys are walking in the woods when

Two guys are walking in the woods when a wolf attacks them. They suffer a few bites, but they get patched up and go about their lives. The next month, on the next full moon, they suddenly change into wolves and run in the woods and kill a deer and do other wolf stuff.

In the morning they wake back up as humans. The first guy starts losing it. Oh my god! He shouts. We are wolves!

The second guys goes to calm him down. No, now, we are humans. We werewolves.

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My wife screamed in pain during labor...

"What's wrong, honey?" I asked.

"*What's wrong*!?" she screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"

"I am sorry, babe," I replied. "*What is* wrong?"

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A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. "Ask him where the money is," the mobster says.

The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, "What are you talking about?"

The interpreter tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The mobster puts a pistol to the accountant's head. "Ask him again!"

The interpreter signs, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

"Okay, okay!" the accountant signs back. "The money is buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard!"

"What'd he say?" asks the don.

"He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

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If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate

They'll kill your dog

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What's the difference between Hitler and Logan Paul?

Hitler knew when to kill himself.

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If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

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Police are like a box of chocolates....

They'll kill your dog.

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A woman goes into a pharmacy

She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."

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I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

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Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

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4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.

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I like my women like I like my microwave

Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.

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I once tried to kill a spider with axe bodyspray

but he survived and now wont shut the fuck up about crossfit

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My girlfriend is a pornstar

She will kill me if she finds out.

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My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back.

Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?

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8 dudes have as much wealth as 4 billion people. We need to start killing them

But it will take a while to kill 4 billion people

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Why did Logan Paul go to the suicide forest?

To kill his career.

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Can you kill someone with a throwing star?

Shuriken.

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Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you...

But,

Smoking bacon will cure it.

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Most serial killers are men.

That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many many years.

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A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.

Shit I can't go home like this my wife will kill me The bartender sees this and says put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning . So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning . To which his wife says Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand? Because he also shit in my pants.

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Crazy girlfriends are like a box of chocolates...

They'll kill your dog.

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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates...

They'll kill your dog.

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Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.

See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.

*

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My girlfriend is a porn star.

She will kill me if she finds out.

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A sadist, masochist, murderer, necrophile, zoophile, and pyromanic are sitting together.. (nsfw)

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a zoophile, and a pyromanic are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a cat?" Asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with a cat and then torture it" says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with a cat, torture it and then kill it" shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again" said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it" said the pyromanic.
There was silence and then the masochist said: "Meow"

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Why did the Jedi kill his master?

To get to the other side.

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A general, air marshal and admiral were arguing over whose men were the toughest.

The general says, Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get overhere!

The private reports as ordered, Yes sir?
The general says, See that man over there? Kill him! Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, See? That man has balls!


The air marshal says, "That's nothing. AC, get over here! The aircraftsman reports, Yes, sir?
The air marshal says, See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself.
Without blinking, the aircraftsman pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.

The air marshal says, See? Now that man has balls!

The admiral says, That's nothing. He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, Hey, seaman, jump off that tower! The seaman answers, Excuse me, sir? The admiral repeats, JUMP OFF THAT TOWER! The seaman replies, Go to hell, sir!

The admiral says, See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!

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I'm going to kill myself....

or die trying.

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Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates..

They will kill your dog.

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A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...

"My mom is gonna kill me."

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I'd had enough. I decided to kill my wife.

But I couldn't do it myself, so I asked around. I eventually heard of a big guy named Arty who kills people for $1. All you have to do is give him a picture and place of work. I found him, gave him the dollar and a picture of my wife.

"She works at Walmart", I said.

He just shook his head, got up, and left. Just like that. I wasn't there, but people say he grabbed her by the throat and started choking her. It wasn't long before a security guard rushed over. Arty was so big he grabbed both of them. One neck per hand. And killed them both.

It's hard to believe but it's true. They even ran a story about it in the local paper. "Arty chokes 2 for $1 at Walmart".

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I like my women like I like my microwaves...

Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what they did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!

The brunette mom opens her daughter's purse second, holding up a half-smoked joint. Lindsay smokes pot?! How could she?!

The blonde non rifles through her daughter's purse next and pulls out an empty condom wrapper. The other moms stare at her for a few moments before she puts her hand over her mouth. Holy shit... Cindy has a dick.

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I hate when people don't leave a suicide note.

Would it kill them to write few sentences?

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What do a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my Mom is gonna kill me."

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They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

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Isis and the Christian man

An ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple.
ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.

ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.

Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."

"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.

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Two prisoners are on death row

And the day of their execution has come.

The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"

"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.

The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.

"Kill me first."

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Go kill that son of a bitch

One fine morning an English billionaire was taking a walk with his dog. Suddenly a Pakistani came out from the bushes and shot the poor dog three times. The dog died.

The billionaire screamed at the killer, Why did you do that?

The killer answered, "Your wife gave me Β£ 50,000 and told me: Go kill that son of a bitch.

The billionaire hugged the killer and with tears in his eyes he said... "I am forever grateful to your English teacher.

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A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump...

He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, "Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"

She replies, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make *somebody* happy before I die."

So she climbs down off the railing and give the dude one of the most amazing experiences of his life. When it's over, he's completely dazed. "That was incredible!" he says. "Why the hell is someone as gorgeous as you with such... *talents* trying to kill themselves anyway?"

"It's my father. He disowned me."

"But why!?"

"For dressing up as a woman."

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I killed four people by looking them yesterday.

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A sadist, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac, a zoophiliac, and a masochist are sitting in a jail cell together.

The zoophiliac says, I want to have sex with a cat.

The sadist says, I want to torture the cat, then have sex with it.

The pyromaniac says, I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, then have sex with it.

The necrophiliac says, Well I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, have sex with it, kill it, and have sex with it again.

The masochist says, Meow.

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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man ?

None.

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Two long time friends are having a beer in a Pittsburgh bar.

One says "So this morning, when I was buying the ticket here, the woman behind the counter had the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen. Like they were huge and perfect. I just wanted to put my face in between 'em. When she asked me what I wanted, I was startled and blurted out 'I'll need one picket to tittsburgh.' I'll tell ya, if looks could kill... I was so embarrassed I just muttered a thank you and kind of slunk away."

His friend chuckled. "Aw man, don't worry, it's called a Freudian slip. It's when you mean to say something, but you accidentally say what's on your mind. Happens to me at all the time. Take last week for example. Me and my wife were sitting down for dinner, and I MEANT to say, "Pass the salt" but I ended up saying, "You ruined my life you stupid bitch."

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A sadist, a murderer, a necrophile

In a mental institution...

A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asks the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, and then kill it," shouts the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then fuck it again," says the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, fuck it again and then burn it," says the pyromaniac.

Silence took over, and then the masochist says:

"Meow."

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I need some Cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I'd like to buy some cyanide."
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The pharmacist asked,
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
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The lady replied,
"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained,
"Lord have mercy!Β  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

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The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed
with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,
"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Β 

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How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

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My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of kill it.

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

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There once was an Indian who had only one testicle...

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.


After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more.


Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'


He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.


Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.


She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'


Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


Why???


Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

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So, the Pope is super early for his flight. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope. Naturally, he's a bit rusty so he's driving poorly when suddenly he sees police lights.

He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope, "Hold on for a minute", and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

"Chief, we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure." "How important? A governor or something?" "No sir, he's bigger." "So what, a celebrity??" "More important, sir." "A major politician???" "No sir, he's much bigger than that." "WELL, WHO THE HELL IS HE????"

"Sir, actually, I'm not sure but the pope's his driver."

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The Dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist,
Doctor, I'm in a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!

The dentist thought to himself,
My goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain.

So the dentist asked him,
Which tooth is it, sir?

The man turned to his wife and said,
"Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

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You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby.

You'd be way too short and weak.

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An Arab and a Jew stand in front of a Hitler statue.

The Jew spits on the statue.
Arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.

The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.

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Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land

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There once was a boy named Nate.

There once was a boy named Nate. He lived across the street from a lever, that if it were to be pulled, the world would end.

One day, Nate was bored, so he decided to cross the street and check out this world-ending lever. However, on his way across the street, a truck came speeding down.

This truck driver had two options. Either hit Nate and kill him, or swerve, and hit the lever, ending the world. Not wanting to end the world, the truck driver hit Nate, killing him instantly.

Moral of the story: Better Nate than lever.

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What do a pregnant teen and her baby have in common?

Both of their moms are gonna kill 'em

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Clever Insult joke

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to your ego and jump down to your IQ level.

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My girlfriend is a famous pornstar

She'll kill me if she finds out.

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Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.

They'll kill your dog.

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Cyanide please

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

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6 patients in a psych ward.

There are 6 patients in a mental facility all sitting around chatting. There was a zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromanic, and a masochist. And for some reason they are talking about cats.

The zoophile says, "I know! Let's get a cat, and fuck it!"

To which the sadist responds, "Yeah! We will fuck it, then torture it!"

The murderer chimes in, "Let's fuck it, torture it, then let's kill it!"

And then the necrophiliac says, "Perfect! Let's fuck it, torture it, kill it and then fuck it again!"

The pyromaniac chimes in with, "So let's fuck it, torture it, kill it, then fuck it again, then we can set it on fire!!"

After a small pause they turn to the masochist and say, "Uh, you got any input here?"

The masochist replies, "MEOW!"

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My girlfriend is a pornstar

Shes going to kill me once she finds out,

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My friend called me today and said he was going to kill himself by jumping off of a cliff that overlooked a body of water unless I stopped specifying the names of geological formations for him.

I said back, "That's a bluff".

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One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

One day a court astrologerΒ predicted that the Queen would die next day.

WhenΒ she really died the next day, theΒ King wanted to get the astrologer killedΒ as he thought that he had purposefully conspired to kill the Queen to fulfill his prophecy.

The guards brought the astrologer to the court and the King asked him:Β "You seem to predict very well. Tell me, when are you going to die?"

The astrologer, with dead seriousness on his tone, said-"I shall die three days before you, Oh great king of kings!".

His life was spared.

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Hitler dies and God calls him

After Hitler dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".

God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".

"See, not even you care about Jews!"

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A taxi driver was being interrogated after an accident.

Police Officer: So, how did you kill 59 people?

Taxi Driver: I was driving at 80km/h, when I saw two men crossing the road. On the other side, a wedding was taking place. I hit the brakes, but they failed.

Police Officer: And?

Taxi Driver: So, I had to make the choice of either hitting the two men, or the wedding party.

Police Officer: You hit the two men, of course!

Taxi Driver: Exactly! We think alike! Problem was, after hitting one of the men, the other escaped to the wedding party, so I went after him.

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Went to the hardware store today...

I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants.

Old man says "nope, it'll kill em"

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My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.

Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

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A man is sitting at the bar, hammered drunk...

all of a sudden he throws up all down the front of his shirt.

"Ah shit my wife's going to kill me" the man yells.

The bar tender takes pity on the man and decides to help him out "don't worry mate, just tuck a $20 note in your top pocket and say a drunk at the bar threw up on you, then paid for you to clean your shirt."

The man thinks that's a great idea and heads off home. Sure enough his wife is waiting for him at the front door.

"Look at the state of you! You're fucking hammered and you've thrown up all over yourself..."

The man interrupts her "It wasn't me! It was some other guy next to me at the bar. Look he popped $20 in my pocket for the cleaning."

"But you've got $40 in your pocket"

"Well yeah he shat in my pants as well"

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Give a man corn and he eats for a day.

Teach a man to grow corn and he'll kill you and steal your land.

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WORLD WAR III IN THE PLANNING STAGES

Former President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor!

What are you guys doing in here?'

Bush says, 'We're planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Cheney says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?

Why kill a blonde with big ….'

Cheney turns to Bush and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims.'

Cheers George

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Choose Your Death

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.

The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.

The Irishman says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Irishman takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.

The chief screams, "What are you doing?"

He looks at the chief and says, "Fuck your canoe, asshole!"

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A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin.

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin at a table. He asks them what they were doing and was told that they were planning WW3.
Hitler says, "We are going to kill 15 million jews, and a bicycle repairman."
The man, confused asks, "Why the bicycle repairman?"
Hitler turns to Stalin and tells him, "See? I told you no one would care about the 15 million Jews!"

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What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?

They both thought "my Mom's gonna kill me."

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The Devil went to a small church...

The congregation at a die hard church was in full swing when with a stench of brimstone and puff of smoke the devil appeared! All them members ran from the church except one little old man in the first row who sat looking calmly at him.
The devil loomed over the old man and growled " Do you realize who I am?"
" Sure do." the little old man replied.
" Do you know i can kill you with a thought?"
" Sure do."
" Do you realize i can mangle your body with a touch?"
" Sure do."
" Do you realize I can carry you off to Hell for eternity?"
" Sure do."
" Then why aren't you scared of me?" The Devil asked quietly.
" Been married to your sister for 50yrs."

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A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

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Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.


Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.


"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

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The 10 Commandments

So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God.

First he goes to the French and says:

"I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?"

"Ah, oui? What do zey say?"

"For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery"

"Oh, non, non, merci, non", and they send the Angel on his way.



The Angel then goes to the Germans:

"I have new Commandments from God."

"Ja? Vat do they say?"

"Well for example: Thou shalt not kill"

The Germans shake their heads, "I think's not, nein, danke!"


The Angel, perturbed, goes to the Jews and says:

"I have new Commandments from God..."

"How much?"

"Well...they're free"

"We'll take ten."

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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates....

They'll kill your dog.

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Tobacco companies kill their best customers

And condom companies kill their future customers.

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God sends an angel down from Heaven...

...To bring the commandments to the people of the world, first the angel visits the French and he says "I have these commandments for you, they'll make your lives better"

"Well, what are they?" asked the French

"Thou shalt not commit adultery" replied the angel

"Bah, we're not interested" the French scoffed, and he waved the angel away. Next the angel went to the Germans and offered them the commandments, "What are they?" the Germans asked.

"Thou shalt not kill" said the angel

"Thou shalt not kill?" said the Germans "I think not" And they waved the angel off

Next the angel went to the Italians and offered them the commandments, "What are they?" the Italians asked.

"Thou shalt not steal" said the angel

"Ah, go away" Said the Italians, and they waved the angel off

Then the angel went to the Jews and said "Look, I've got these commandments..."

"How much are they?" asked the Jews

"They're free"

"We'll take ten"

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What's the one food guaranteed to kill a woman's sex drive?

Wedding cake.

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A masked man walks into a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the receptionist and tells her to open the safe. She says: but you don't understand. This is not a normal bank. This is a sperm bank. The man says: I know exactly what this is. Now open a sample and swallow the whole thing. The woman opens one and swallows it all. The man then takes off his mask. It is her husband. She screams at him: I can't believe it. It's you. Why are you doing this? He gets close to her and says: you see??? It didn't kill you to swallow it. Did it?

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A church has a rat problem

The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back.
Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge.
Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptized all the rats.

Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.

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My girlfriend is a porn star.

She'll kill me if she finds out...

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How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen snort?

Enough to kill two and a half men

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Someone was killed with a starter pistol today.

Police think it was race related.

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Crazy Ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.

They'll kill your dog.

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Wife vs. Girlfriend vs. beard

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard.

Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.

James replied, My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!

Oh please? the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…

Oh really, I can't, he replied. My wife loves this beard!!

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife was awakened somewhat, felt his face and replied, Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!

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What does a pregnant teen and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking,"Mom is gonna kill me".

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What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree can kill you?

A pool table.

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Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

A guest notices they are giggling with each other so he gets curious and goes to speak with them.

"What is so funny over here?" Trump replies: " We're planning WWIII"

"WOW, and what exactly are your plans?"

Trump replies: " We're going to kill 14 million muslims and a dentist"

"Huh, why are you killing a dentist?"

Pence taps Trump on the back: "See, I told you no one would ask about the muslims"

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How did 8 kill 18?

8/8/18

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In the Pharmacy

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, β€žI would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen.Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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Hitler walks into a bar...

The bartender does a double take but doesn't say anything at first. "This cant be!" the bartender thinks to himself. Finally he decides to bring it up.

"Hey man, I don't want to bother you," says the bartender, "but you look *just* like Hitler."

"I am Hitler," says the fuhrer. "I'm back. And this time, I'm gonna kill eight million Jews **and** three rodeo clowns."

"Three rodeo clowns?" asks the puzzled bartender.

Hitler says "see? No one gives a fuck about the Jews."

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A man gets pulled over...

A man gets pulled over and the police officer approaches the driver's window. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The driver says, "No sir." The cop says "Well son, you were speeding. Now please hand me your license and registration." The driver pulls out his license and says, "Well my registration is in the glove box, but I have to warn you, there is a loaded pistol in there." The cop is taken aback and places a hand on his own weapon. "Why do you have a loaded gun?" "Well it's what I used to kill the guy in my trunk." The cop then freaks out a little and calls for backup. While waiting, he has the driver toss his keys to the road and keep his hands up. Backup arrives, and they get him into the back of the squad car. Shortly after, their chief pulls up.
"Alright sir, we are going to retrieve the gun from the glove box, and the body from the trunk. We need you to identify the body, and then we will take you to the station for holding."
The driver says, "Sir there's no dead body in my trunk, nor is there a gun in the glove box...I bet he told you I was speeding too!"

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So an old lady's husband dies...

The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

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I can't make Casey Anthony jokes.

My mom would kill me...

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Sitting on a bench in a mental institution

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

There was silence... then the masochist said: "Meow."

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A zoophile, sadist, masochist, murderer, necrophiliac, and pyromaniac are sitting in an asylum

A zoophile, sadist, masochist, murderer, necrophiliac, and pyromaniac are sitting in an asylum, bored out of their minds.

The zoophile says, "Let's have sex with a cat."
The sadist says, "Let's have sex with a cat, then torture it."
The murderer says, "Let's have sex with a cat, then torture it, then kill it."
The necrophiliac says, "Let's have sex with a cat, then torture it, then kill it, then have sex with it again."
The pyromaniac says, "Let's have sex with a cat, then torture it, then kill it, then have sex with it again, then set it on fire."
The masochist says, "Meow?"

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Why do doctors recommend apple juice?

Cause OJ will kill you.

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I'm not sure about my stand on the abortion issue....

On one side, I love to kill babies but on the other side, I hate to give women a choice.

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What do pregnant teenagers and their babies have in common?

They both think,"Oh god, my mom is going to kill me".

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Why did the French chef kill himself?

He lost his huile d'olive

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My girlfriend wanted a favor from me

Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident

Me: Say no more

LATER

Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

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Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him

So he tracked down nothing and killed it

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Which cheese is made backwards?

Edam!

(Kill me)

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Cowboy is captured

A cowboy is captured by a group of Indians after a gunfight. Because he fought so valiantly, they decide to kill him in three days, and to give him one wish each day before he dies. On the first day, he wishes to speak to his horse. The Indians bring his horse to him, and he whispers in its ear. The horse rides off and returns hours later with a buxom naked blonde on its back. The cowboy takes her into his tent for a couple hours, then she leaves. The Indians are mildly puzzled, but shrug it off. The next day, the same process occurs. The man whispers in his horse's ear, and the horse rides off. Hours later, the horse returns with a naked redhead, who spends a couple hours in the cowboy's tent. The Indians agree that this is not a terrible way to spend your last days. On the morning of his last day, the cowboy asks to see his horse one last time. He walks up to his horse, grabs him by both ears, and stares him in the face.

"Listen to me Buster. I - SAID - POSSE!"

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I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet.

I defeated him.

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Hitler at a bar

A man walks into a bar and believes to see Adolf Hitler sitting on a bar stool. The man walks up to the man, and in an unsure tone, asks: Are you Adolf Hitler. At which point the following conversation ensues:

Hitler: Why yes, I am

Man: I thought you were dead!

Hitler: No, my friend. I have been in hiding all these years. I am slowly rebuilding my army. Soon we are going to rise up, kill three million Jews, and one clown.

Man: Why kill a clown?

Hitler: See!! No one cares about the Jews.

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Know why geese kill more humans every year than sharks?

Because it's really hard for geese to kill sharks.

Seriously though, fuck geese.

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God offers the ten commandments

God went to the Arabs and said: "I have Commandments that'll make your lives better."

The Arabs asked: "What are they, can you give us an example?"

God said: "Thou shall not kill."

The Arab were shocked and refused Gods offering

So he went to the Mexicans and said: "I have commandments that'll make your lives better."

When asked for an example God said: "Thou shall not steal."

The Mexicans were insulted and refused.

Lastly, God went to the Jews: "I have Co..."

Before he could finish the Jews blasted out: "HOW MUCH DO THEY COST??"

God replied: "Nothing, they're free."

The Jews answered: "Good, we shall take ten!"

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A zoophile, a necrophile, a sadist, a masochist, and a pyromaniac....

are all waiting at the bus stop for the bus to take them to the mental institution.

The zoophile says: "I'm bored. Let's fuck a cat!"

The sadist says: "Let's fuck a cat, then kill it!"

The necrophile says: "Let's fuck a cat, kill it, and then fuck it again!"

The pyromaniac says: "Let's fuck a cat, kill it, fuck it again, and then set it on fire!"

The masochist says: "Meow!"

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If I was a serial killer my name would be "The suspense"

So my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me"

And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.

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A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin...

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin sitting at a table. He walks up to them and asks what they are doing. Hitler says were planning WW3. The man asks what's going to happen this time. Hitler says this time were going to kill 15 million Jews and a bicycle repair man. The man asks why a bicycle repair man. Hitler turns to Stalin and says see I told you know one would care about the 15 million Jews.

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Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

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Why is a cop like a box of chocolates?

They'll kill your dog.

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How did the triangle kill itself?

It used a hypotenuse.

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Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

When he asked them who was greatest composer, they all said "Bach Bach Bach Bach."

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Two prisoners were waiting to be executed.

"Any last requests?" asked the jailer.

"Yes," replied one of the prisoners. "I love music, so before I die could you play 'Never gonna give you up' by Rick Astley."

And the second prisoner said: "Kill me first."

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An Frenchman, an Englishman, and an American are captured by cannibals.

As they are awaiting their fate they are approached by the cannibal chief.

"First we are going to kill you," the chief explained. "Then we will eat you. Then we will use your skin to make a canoe. But we are kind, so we will let you choose how you will die."

The Englishman said "I will die by the sword!" They gave him a sword and he screams "God save the Queen!" then he stabs himself in the gut.

The Frenchman says "I will die by the gun!" They give him a gun and he shouts "Vive la France!" And then shoots himself.

The American asked for a fork. The cannibals all start laughing, but figure this will be a good show so they give the American the fork.

As soon as he gets the fork in his hands the American starts stabbing himself all over, and screams: "Make a canoe out of this, you sons of bitches!"

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Hitler and Stalin walk together in the afterlife

... they stop next two people and Hitler tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic.

one of the two people hear this and asks Hitler "Why kill the mechanic?"

Hitler turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"

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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishmen

None.

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I like my women like i like my microwave

In the kitchen and ready to kill any baby i put inside them.

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Hunter goes bear hunting.

A hunter goes to the forest. He sees a bear and fires at it, but misses. The bear is nowhere to be seen.

Suddenly the bear taps him on his shoulder and says, "You tried to kill me, either I'll kill you or pull down your trousers and let me fuck you". The man chose life.

He goes home embarrassed, buys a bigger gun and goes back to hunt the bear. He sees it at a distance, fires, misses, the bear disappears in the thick brush only to pop up behind him a little later. The bear recognizes the hunter and says, "You know the choices."

The hunter, after being fucked again, brings a bazooka to get over his humiliation. He finds the bear, fires and falls back due to recoil. The smoke clears and the bear is standing over him, rubbing it's chin. "You don't come here for hunting, do you?"

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What did Voldemort say to Peter Pettigrew when they went bowling?

*Kill the spare.*

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Courtroom

Prosecutor: Did you kill this man?

Me: No

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?

Me: Yeah, it's a lot less than the penalty for murder

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A Japanese man, a French man, and an American are traveling the amazon...

When out of nowhere, they're ambushed by a pack of head hunters and each one of them is knocked out. When they all come to, they are tied to wooden poles, a native man, the chief, standing before them. He says, "Now before we kill you, I want to let you all know, not a single part of your body will go to waste. We will ground your bones to make powder. We will use your teeth for necklaces and jewelry. Your skin will be tanned and stretched out across a frame to make canoes, and so on." He adds," I will give you all a knife, and you can kill yourselves how you want", he says untiing them. He hands a knife to the French man, he yells, "VIVA LA FRANCE!", and slits his throat. The Japanese man is next. He takes the knife, yells,"BANZIA!", and commits a hari-kari. Then, the American takes the knife, stabs holes all over his body, and says,"THERE'S YOUR FUCKIN' CANOE!"

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Please don't kill me for this.

The urge to sing *The Lion Sleeps Tonight* is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

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Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.


Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.


"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

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What are the best Kill puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Kill? Well, here are the best jokes about Kill to have fun with.

Joko Jokes