kill Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious kill stories

What are the best kill puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Kill? Well here is a complete list of the top kill jokes:

Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.


As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...

School is my answer


Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."


As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...

School is my answer


PETA is like a box of chocolates

They kill dogs


As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....

"School" is my answer.


The word asparagus is funny.

It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.


If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.


I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.


What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don't know either.


Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."


Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don't tell you is that it cures salmon


What does a pregnant fourteen year old and the fetus inside her have in common?

They're both thinking, Shit, my mom is gonna kill me!


Smoking will kill you ...

Bacon will kill you...

But, smoking bacon will cure it.


What has four legs, is green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree can kill you?

A pool table.


So an old lady's husband dies...

The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.


I can't make Casey Anthony jokes.

My mom would kill me...


Hitler and Stalin walk together in the afterlife

... they stop next two people and Hitler tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic.

one of the two people hear this and asks Hitler "Why kill the mechanic?"

Hitler turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"


Husband get back home from work asks wife

**Husband:** "Why are the torn condoms lying on the sofa?"
**Wife:** "What?....... Where?" rushes out to check.
She comes back furious saying:"I will kill you if you don't stop calling our children TORN CONDOMS"


How many prostitutes do you have to kill until someone notices?

I'm not sure yet.


What's big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell from a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.


Birthdays are great...

... but too many of them will kill you.


A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff

A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A passing tramp stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we have sex please?"
The woman says, "No, fuck off."
The tramp turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."


How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?



Little brother told me this joke, genius.

"Why did Beethoven kill his pet chicken?"
"Because it kept saying "bok bok bok"


My favorite blonde joke.

A blonde was tired of all the abuse she received because she was blond so she decided to hang herself on a tree in a field.

A man walked by and saw what was happening, approached her he asked, "What are you doing?"

She replied, "I'm going to kill myself because I can't take the abuse anymore."

The man, confused, said, "Why are you hanging by your feet? Aren't you supposed to tie the rope around your neck."

She said, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe."


The Cliff

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."


I almost killed my whole family

I almost killed my whole family last night, but eventually chose not to let my wife drive.


Two motorways are talking in a bar

Arguing about who's the biggest and most important of the motorways, when a tiny little scrawny looking track walks in, looking really angry.
One of the motorways sees him walk in and starts freaking out, clearly terrified.
The other motorway is confused by this, and looks over at the little track, but the scared motorway says ' don't look at him, he'll kill you! He's a fucking cycle path!


An Irish Joke, that I did not initially get. I am Irish as well...

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?


Tony Romo just tried to kill himself

The bullet was intercepted


What's the difference between a soldier and a teacher?

As a soldier, it is your job to kill people.

As a teacher, it is your job to try very hard not to kill people.


I just thought of a good Casey Anthony joke...

but if I post it my mom would kill me.


I killed 3 men yesterday...

All 5 of them were black.


A Sadist, a Rapist, a Murderer, a Necrophiliac, a Pyromaniac, and a Masochist find a cat...

"Lets torture it!" says the Sadist

"YEAH, lets Torture and then we RAPE it!" says the Rapist

"YES!! Lets Torture and rape it then KILL it!" says the Murderer

"OH YEAAHH! lets torture, rape, kill and then RAPE IT AGAIN!!!" says the Necrophiliac

"YES! lets torture, then rape it, then kill it, then rape it again, and then BURN!! IT!!" says the Pyromaniac.

And the Masochist goes



Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby.

He'd be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you'll have the element of surprise.


Kill the Dragon

An evil and powerful dragon lives near a village.
It eats a virgin from the village every week.
No one can defeat it.

One day a hero comes and attempts to kill the dragon.
He finds that the dragon is too power to be defeated.
He decides to kill the dragon with intelligence.

Several months later, the dragon is starved to death.


The dog is dead.

My dog wanted to go out and do his business, but I didn't have time to walk him. So I let him out to run around on his own. A few minutes later I heard screeching tires and a thud. I ran to the window and yelled "NO!". A thousand times I had told that dog not to drive my car. I'm going to kill him.



How do you kill a hipster?

Drown him in the main stream.

A hipster actually told me this one.


I'm on the fence about Hitler

On one hand he killed 6 million Jews. On the other hand he did kill Hitler


Why did the chicken kill itself ?

To get to the other side.


My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"

I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is fucking annoying sometimes.


what is green and, if stuck between your teeth, will kill you?

a tractor.


Most serial killers are men.

That's because women prefer to kill just one man, over a period of many, many years.


A man goes to the doctor...

and he says to the doctor: "Doctor I take a dump every morning at exactly 7:30, and I hate that it happens that early every day.

The doctor replies: "Well, you should be happy. You are blessed with amazing intestines. Some people would kill for that!"

To which the man says: "Yeah, that's great and all but I don't wake up until 8."


How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?



Blue Elephant

How do you kill a blue elephant?

With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a white elephant?

Choke it until it becomes blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.


The Government

Don't lie..
Don't cheat.
Dont steal.
Don't sell drugs.
Don't kill.

The Government Hates Competition


I killed my wife because I heard mourning sex was so great.


Why doesn't George R.R. Martin have Twitter?

Because he would just kill off all 140 characters.



You've red some of the best kill jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about kill. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty kill gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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