Kids Jokes

148 kids jokes and hilarious kids puns to laugh out loud. Read age jokes about kids that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Kids Short Jokes

Short kids jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The kids humour may include short boys jokes also.

  1. When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
  2. When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word... ...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
  3. In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point." We didn't have those fancy hazmat suit you all wear today
  4. My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. You're coming home now! she screamed.
    No, I'm not, I laughed.
    She said, I'm talking to the kids.
  5. I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
  6. How did kim kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye? North, things between West and I have gone South.
  7. Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!' and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
  8. What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened? "...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"
  9. Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were: "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"
  10. I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids. But when I came back home, they were still there.

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Kids One Liners

Which kids one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with kids? I can suggest the ones about girls and school children.

  1. '90s kids won't get this Social security
  2. I help blind kids Verb, not adjective
  3. Hey girl are you a school? Because I want to shoot kids inside you.
  4. Fun fact: You can't breathe correctly while smiling Just kidding, I made you smile :)
  5. "I won't use stores that gender kids' beds" "Like a boycott?"
    "Don't you start"
  6. What did the Indian kid say to his parents when he left for school Mum bai
  7. I named my kid Bob Ross He was a happy little accident.
  8. Only 1300's kids will get this.. The Black plague
  9. 90's kids won't get this 😂😂 Affordable housing prices
  10. 1984 is a great work of literature. I think all kids should be forced to read it.
  11. Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?" Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."
  12. Only 2010's kids will get this... Measles
  13. No matter how kind you are... No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.
  14. A Muslim walks into the U.S Just kidding
  15. When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend But it was just my imaginasian.

Kids Teacher Jokes

Here is a list of funny kids teacher jokes and even better kids teacher puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I asked my maths teacher, "Will we ever use any of this algebra?" She said, "You won't, but some of the smart kids might."
  • When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word. I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.
  • Why did the kid eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
    -My 6 year old Nephew
  • Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school? Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.
  • When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'. I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"
  • Is it ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school? Or does that make me a bad teacher?
  • Teacher: how do you spell 'crocodile' Kid: K-R-O-K-I-D-I-A-L.
    Teacher: no, that's wrong.
    Kid: no, I'm right. Other people might spell it differently but you asked how I spell it.
  • The German dream The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."
  • I was tucking my son in last night, and he tells me that his teacher is "an idiot" and she's "out to get him." Which is just the last thing you want to hear when your kid's home schooled.
  • Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school ? Or am I just a terrible Teacher ?

Kids Friendly Jokes

Here is a list of funny kids friendly jokes and even better kids friendly puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore.. It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.
  • I just saw that Harry Potter film. I think its a bit unrealistic if you ask me.. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? How?
  • I don't get anti-vaxxers. If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?
  • A friend told me he doesn't let his kids watch orchestra performances cuz there's too much sax and violins. I told him puns make me wanna commit violins.
  • My friend just came to me all depressed because his kid's failing 3rd grade, and he doesn't know how to break it to him. Apparently slowly wasn't the advice he was looking for.
  • When I was a little kid, I had this friend that was always counting. I wonder what he's up to these days.
  • My friend keeps beating kids in games It's fine and all except the game is "Who punches harder?"
  • My kids will be friends with people of all colors of the rainbow. That means no black people.
  • Women are too sensitive. My friend said she was having twins. All I said was at least you'll finally have 2 kids with the same father.
  • Friend: Your three kids are so well behaved! Me: Well .... there used to be four.
Kids joke, Friend: Your three kids are so well behaved!

Kids Christmas Jokes

Here is a list of funny kids christmas jokes and even better kids christmas puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas... FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
  • What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
  • When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days... I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.
  • What did the handless boy get for Christmas? Gloves.
    Just kidding, he's still trying to open his present.
  • Kids said they wanted a cat for Christmas. Normally we have turkey, but ok...
  • What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!!!
    Just kidding, I'm actually not sure, they haven't opened it yet.
  • What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves.
    Nah, I'm just kidding. He hasn't opened it yet.
  • Just been up in the loft getting the Christmas tree down, and I found a present from last year which we must have forgotten to give to the kids...
    ...shame really, they would have loved a kitten.
  • A 7 year old kid happily asks him mum Kid: Mummy, why am I getting my Christmas present on 18th August?
    Mum: Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy, son.
  • What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!
    Just kidding, I don't know what he got. He hasn't opened it yet

Kids Doctor Jokes

Here is a list of funny kids doctor jokes and even better kids doctor puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
  • I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids. I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.
  • "Craig, I caught your son playing 'doctor' with my daughter!" "Oh lord, that kid. My boy didn't do anything inappropriate, did he?"
    "I'll say! The co-pay he charged was outrageous!"
  • Doctor: How old are you on a scale of 1 to 8? Kid: It stops at 8?
    Doctor: It does for you.
  • Im not going to vaccinate my kids because its too dangerous Id rather the doctors do it to ensure its done right
  • As a doctor I never make fun of unvaccinated kids. I don't like to joke about dead people.
  • I went to the doctor to get a vasectomy. The doctor said, "This a really big decision you know. Have you discussed it with your wife and kids?
    I said, "Yes, they're in favor 14 to 3.."
  • A Russian Goes For His Eye Examination The doctor places an eye chart before him and asks if he can recognize what's written.
    The Russian: Are you kidding me? That's my cousin's name
  • I've chosen not to vaccinate my kids... I think it's better to let a professionel doctor handle that.
  • Someday when I am a parent, I will not vaccinate my kids... I'll get a doctor to do it instead.
Kids joke, Someday when I am a parent, I will not vaccinate my kids...

Uproarious Kids Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time

What funny jokes about kids you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean teen jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make kids pranks.

George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.

He even used the name when he had a little grill.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a v**...."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

Obama smoked w**... growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

Apparently as a 4-year old, h**... was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little b**... didn't stand a chance…

Maybe the Pope just wants to finally get married.

Or settle down with a couple of kids.

Kids are like farts...

I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.

A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear...

...unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.

Peter is different

A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".

My brother and I laugh at how Competitive we were as kids.

But I laugh more.

I got my family banned from playing Family Feud today.

The category was "Describe your s**... life with a Spongebob quote"
and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

s**... Ed in 2015

Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one "D" away from 'Netflix and Child.'

Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD

Its a concentration camp

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.


Me and my wife, we have decided that we don't want kids.

They are not gonna like it.

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

I introduced my girlfriend to my family today.

My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.

Fun idea:

Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

Two kids were wondering if God is black or white..

So they prayed and asked him. A booming voice from the heavens answered "I am what I am." One kid said, "Well, I guess he's white." The other said, "How can you tell?" "Well, if he was black, he would've answered, 'I is what I is.'"

All these people are so quick to criticize Melania Trump for wanting to take on cyber bullying when that's something her husband has a problem with

But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read

Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes

"Let's eat punctuation"

Two kids were talking...

Kid 1: I bet you're a v**...
Kid 2: I was a v**..., until last night!
Kid 1: Lies!
Kid 2: Ask your sister.
Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!
Kid 2: You will in about nine months!

If Hermione was a mathematician what would her kids be named?

Hermitwo and Hermithree.

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"
"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.
90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have s**... with kids.

What's the difference between Roy Moore and an Anti-Vaxxer?

The Anti-vaxxer is against sticking it in kids

Prisoner: I'm sorry I tried to escape.

Guard: I'm not mad, just........disappointed.
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

My 6 year old son told me this one. "What do you call a snowman that's having a t**... with two hot princesses?"

I slapped my son and abruptly deleted his youtube kids app.

In high school some kids told me they'd give me $20 to hang out with them.

Turns out it was just clique bait.

Just been challenged to a water fight by next doors brat kids...

Popped on here to check messages while the kettle boils.

My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.

They got really upset and started to cry.
Scratch is a s**... name for a cat anyway..

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

Scientists discovered that unvaccinated kids are less likely to be autistic.

Because they are more likely to be dead.

My wife and I decided to not have kids

the kids took it pretty hard

What do you call a committee of emo kids?

A cutting board

I had a vasectomy so I won't have kids

But when I got home, they were still there.

Took my kids to the dinosaur museum today.

Spent the whole day looking up at the giant sculptures , I discovered a new species.
This is my first dad joke post :)

I didn't vaccinate my five kids

and both of them turned out fine.

Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other.

I couldn't find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...

Apparently, she left me two days ago...

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."

I said, "Tell him, he's b**... good. I don't have any kids

LEGO bricks are like b**......

...They're designed for kids, but it's the grown-ups who have more fun with them. Oh, and it hurts when someone steps on them.

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids

The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard.

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.
"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.
"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.
"Then where are the other 11 kids?"
"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a m**... are talking about their families.

The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The m**... speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

My wife said, Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?

I said, Fine, but I don't make any sense when I'm high.

I think my family is racist

I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I'm obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

My son, Luke, loves how I named our kids after Star Wars characters...

My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day.

If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price.

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza.

I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

Finally, a blonde joke I haven't heard before…

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun k**... a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'No, it's probably best I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says,
Because I'm the Goalie!


my wife left me because i'm obssesed with africa

kenya believe it?
and we have two kids together, this divorce is ghana be so hard on them

A blond Joke I've only heard once before.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun k**... a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'No, it's probably best I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says,
"Because I'm the Goalie!"

Kids joke, A blond Joke I've only heard once before.

jokes about kids