Kids jokes and pranks to have fun with friends and family. Top 10 jokes about Kids of all time along with the funniest kids gags ever told.
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today
Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.
I thought, fuck me, I might win this
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus.
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids.
Larry the Fighter Pilot
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Larry's whore"
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
'90s kids won't get this
Social security
Triple H Joke about wrestling star Paige
I'm a fan just like everyone else. I would love to see [Edge or Paige] step into the ring and compete," he said.
"More importantly than that, though, I would like to see them live long, healthy lives. You know, Edge has kids. Paige, maybe, she probably has some she doesn't know of."
What two things never get old?
Making fun of anti-vaxxers, and their kids.
You think Millennials are bad?
Wait til you meet our kids! Oh wait, you'll probably be dead.
Anti-vaccinations jokes are starting to get old.
Unlike the kids they're about.
Finally kids can answer yes when the dentist asks,
"Do you floss daily?"
One for the Grammar Nerds (and kids)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To *whom.*
*Dark humor* What do kids with cancer and Dark jokes have in common?
They never get old
A good condom slogan...
Karen can't take the kids if you don't have any!
My parents love to bring up the time that I peed on the doctor
Which really sucks for me because it happened the same day that Karen took the kids.
Why don't soccer moms let their kids listen to Beethoven?
Because of all the violins.
What does anti vaxx kids and kids with cancer have in common?
they never get old.
Why do dogs often suffer from issues with blood delivery around the body?
Because of all the kids giving them strokes (stroking them)
I just found out 7 people per 1 million born are named Bacon
Pork Kids
TIL unvaccinated kids are less likely to be autistic.
Bc they are more likely to be dead.
Once my kids left their bedrooms, I gave them a new coat of paint.
Now they can't get it out their hair.
Men carry kids in our nuts for our whole life, while women only have to do it for 9 months and still find a way to complain about it
Are you having difficulty teaching your kids? Raising good children can be a be easy. Read on to see the key to perfect parenting
The key to perfect parenting
A new high school opened up near me. . .
None of the kids really knew each other.
It took a little while, but eventually they cliqued.
I set up a summer school in Israel for kids with ADHD ...
But apparently my name for it, Jewish Concentration Camp won't work.
I tried to set up a new summer school in Isreal ...
For kids with ADHD, but now I am told the name of it, Jewish Concentration Camp won't work π§
Browse all kids jokes or go to table of contents
Kids jokes can be funny or dirty, insulting of disgusting. Most of them are suitable for kids and family.
Short jokes about kids, one liners, thoughts and captions that are funny and will make you laugh.
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside
Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today
Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
'90s kids won't get this
Social security
I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!
Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.
What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?
"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"
Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were:
"I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you MedellΓn kids"
I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...
Little bastards didn't stand a chanceβ¦
I help blind kids
Verb, not adjective
Funny racist jokes about black, mexican, asian, jewish or white kids.
I think my entire family is racist.
I was dating an Asian woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family
My wife and kids didn't even want to talk to me.
Offensive Joke: The principal of my daughter's elementary school wanted to talk me about her behavior.
Apparently she was making racist remarks towards the black kids in her class and insulting them.
I must say I am terrified and very disappointed, she isn't even allowed to talk to them.
So My Family is Definitely Racist...
I started dating an Asian Girl recently and brought her home to meet my family.
The kids wouldn't speak to her and my wife told me to pack my shit and leave.
Racist jokes are like kids with cancer...
... They dont get Old.
(This is not intended to insult anyone)
Racist jokes are like kids with cancer
They never get old!
racist jokes are like kids with cancer
... they never get old
I think my family is racist
I brought a black girl home and my wife went crazy and told me to pack my bags, and my kids were upset.
More racist jokes or go to table of contents
Black humor kids jokes that are for people with dark sense of humour.
What is the difference between a fridge and a kid?
A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is white, plastic, and dangerous to children.
You put groceries in the other.
Q: What is the difference between a Jew and a boy scout?
A: the boy Scott gets to go home after camp.
Heres what you do:
1. Dinner
2. Kiss
3. Movie
4. Sex
5. Bring her back home
6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting
Q: What's the difference between morbid and black humour?
A: Well, black humour is like 10 children in one rubbish bin, whereas morbid humour is like one child in 10 rubbish bins.
"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?"
"First of all, don't give him anything to drink."
Jokes for kids that are actually very stupid.
My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.
They got really upset and started to cry.
Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway..
An ugly woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.
An ugly woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.
The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would u think they're twins, one is tall, other is short, they don't look anything like each other! Are u blind, or just bloody stupid?"
The clerk replied,"I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would fuck u twice." !!
Kids these days are so stupid
They actually believe I've got chocolate in my van
I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.
Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.
Bored on lunch, here's one I tell often.
Two hillbilly kids.. Darla and Buckwheat are at school The teacher asks Darla, 'How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
She responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."
"Now spell 'stupid'."
Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands up and says, otay, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in the a sentence."
"I may be dumb, I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"
Having kids is like getting a stupid tattoo...
It takes most people a couple years to realize how bad they fucked up.
Two inspectors enter a classroom...
...to see how active and intelligent the students were.
They both sit behind one of the kids. The teacher starts asking question, and the kid in front of the inspectors raises his hand at every question, but the teacher avoids him, knowing that he's stupid.
After a few minutes, the teacher gives up and lets the boy answer a question. The boy gets up and says:
"Miss, your ass is so damn sexy."
"How dare you? Get out right now!" says the teacher, irritated.
The boy gets up from his seat and, before leaving, he turns to the two inspectors:
"Hey, don't whisper if you don't know the answers."
Twins
Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!
How do you tell your friend that you think his kids are stupid?
Buy them a fidget spinner.
Never give your kids stupid names.
You might think it's funny but they have to live with that for the rest of their lives. Take Kanye West for example. His kids, North and Saint . They've got to spend their whole lives telling people that their dad is called Kanye .
More stupid jokes or go to table of contents
Some of the dirtiest jokes for kids.
I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.
"What's been going on John?"' I asked.
"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.
Dirty bastard.
A man had a portal to a secret world in his house
Every night he would step through the portal and leave his chatty wife, screaming kids and dirty dog behind. He would be completely alone and calm.
But then his feet would cramp up and he had to wipe his ass and get back to reality.
Why did people make white chocolate?
So black kids could get dirty faces too.
Wife: "Hey sexy, the kids are asleep, I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear."
Me: "OK, ... the bathroom....the kitchen....your car..."
Dirty Johnny
Old ass joke here..
Dirty johnny is sitting in class. Ms. Smith says "Ok Kids, it time to play the word game, I'm going to say a letter of the alphabet, and you tell me a word that starts with that letter. The first letter is A."
Dirty Johnny's hand jumps in the air. "ME! ME! Ms. Smith pick ME!"
Ms. Smith thinks "I cant pick him, he's obviously going to say ass.
"Jenny, can you tell me a word that starts with the letter A."
"apple, apple starts with the letter A, Ms. Smith."
"Very good Jenny, now class can anyone tell me a word that starts with the letter B"
Right away Dirty Johnny's hand jumps up. "OHHHHH!! ME!!! i got a good one. ME ME!!!"
Ms. Smith thinks "Ok, clearly he is going to say bitch" and she picks someone else.
She keeps going through the alphabet letter by letter. Cant let him answer for C, hes going to say Cunt. Can't call on him for D, hes going to say Dick. Finally she gets to the letter R. Right away Dirty Johnny's hand zips into the air.
"ME ME! Please! ME ME!!" says Dirty Johnny
Ms. Smith thinks about for a minute, then she says "Alright Dirty Johnny, tell me a work that starts with the letter R"
"Rat! A big fucking Rat!! With a Dick This long!"
My wife came rushing in out of the garden and said, "There's a pair of my knickers missing off the washing line."
I said, "I know, the two kids from next door have them." She said, "The dirty little perverts." I said, "It's nothing like that, they mentioned something about building an hammock."
A woman walks into Walmart
She's wearing very dirty clothes, smells bad and looks like she is in a horrible situation. She has 2 kids who look worse in her shopping cart
The store clerk says: Wow, are they twins?
Woman: No you idiot, they obviously look 2 years apart.
Clerk: Oh, they don't look alike. I just couldn't believe you had sex twice.
" Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
Apparently, they meant from the outside.
A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, "Where have you been?"
The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill."
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, "Where have you been?"
The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill."
Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, "Where have you been?
Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill." and the girl says, "No, I am blueberry hill."
More dirty jokes or go to table of contents
Kids is if great topic to laugh at. Some of the funniest jokes ever are about kids.
Are Kids jokes funny? For sure! There is no such thing as boring kids joke here. All jokes are funny in their own way. You can also read kids jokes images on Pinterest or watch videos with kids jokes on YouTube.
Jokes for kids from early childhood to the teenage years.
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.
Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
My 7-year-old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans....
I pulled out my cellphone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
So a little kid is going through his mothers purse and takes out her drivers lincense...
his mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him
the kid says "but i learned so much about you from it"
she says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"
"well, says the kid... "i know your age now"
"and what is that?" says his mother
"you're old" says the kid
"and i learned your height"
"which is?' says the mother
"your really tall" he says
"well, yes, i am tall for a woman"
"and, i learned your weight" he says
"and what is that?" asks the mother
"a lot for a woman your height" the kids says
the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that"
"and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you"
"Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license"
"because, you got an f in sex"
Gunpowder therapy
A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"
"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.
90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
China won bronze in gymnastics at the Sydney 2000 Olympics but were stripped of the medal after it was revealed that Dong Fangxiao was under the minimum age of 16
And they would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those medalling kids.
A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife...
They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".
Kids play Doctors and Nurses
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
Boy and girl in class asked the teacher a question.
"Can kids of our age have kids?"
Teacher replied " NO Never!!"
Boy said to girl :
"See I told you not to worry!!!!"
Donald Trump visits an elementary school
"You know I am one of the most intelligent people in the world, good genes very very smart brain. Let's see how smart you are kids: A limusine goes from the white house to TRUMP TOWER at 20 streets per minute. What's my age?"
The whole class stayed in silence. Nobody saw any logic in the question. A single boy raised his arm and answered.
"70 years old."
"Good boy, very smart. You are the second smartest person in this room. Now, explain to the rest of the class how you solved the problem."
"Mr. President, my uncle is 35 years old and he's only half retard."
I hate when people talk about their kids age in weeks and months.
"Jessica said her first word at 36 weeks!"
You mean 9 months.
"Ken is 24 months!"
Deborah, he's 2.
"My baby is -26 weeks old!"
No, Karen, you miscarried.
My 9-year-old nephew showed me with pride the "Telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans....
I pulled out my cellphone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in japan !"
My son's arts and crafts class isn't graded.
I'm glad they teach kids how worthless a liberal-arts degree is at such a young age.
My daughter's at that age where kids start asking awkward sex questions.
Just the other day, she said "Is that the best you can do?"
A child is going through his mother's purse and takes out her driver's license...
his mother catches him reading it and mildly scolds him
the kid says "but i learned so much about you from it"
she says "well, ok, what did you learn about me"
"well, says the kid... "i know your age now"
"and what is that?" says his mother
"you're old" says the kid
"and i learned your height"
"which is?' says the mother
"you're really tall" he says
"well, yes, i am tall for a woman"
"and, i learned your weight" he says
"and what is that?" asks the mother
"a lot for a woman your height" the kids says
the mother sighs and says "well, that's not nice, but i can't argue that"
"and" the kid says "i know why dad divorced you"
"Huh? what?" says the mother, "how on earth did you get that from a drivers license"
"because, you got an F in sex"
back of the bus....
There once was an old school bus driver who in his age, had plenty of wisdom. One day he over heard the white kids and the black kids yelling about who should sit in the front of the bus, and who should sit in the back.
He quickly pulled the bus over and threw it in park then ordered everyone off the bus.
He proceeded to give an inspirational message about how there was no black or white. "We should all look at ourselves as green from this point on!"
Feeling like he got his point across he ordered the children back onto the bus, "I want the dark green kids in the back and light green kids upfront!"
Why are so many hotwheels based after Ford models?
So kids get used to pushing them at a young age.
I hate when parents say their kids age in months
It's annoyed me for about 36 months now
Why aren't kids under the age of 18 allowed to watch videos about duck calls without the consent of a parent?
Because they contain a lot of fowl language.
Not me! I just live next to 2 smoking hot 8 year old.
My neighbor kid had weird religious parents.
They homeschooled their kids and put them in old fashioned clothes. The boy my age they named Holy and constantly reminded him to live up to his name and live a holy life. He took it seriously but over time it became a burden along with the teasing he got for having a weird name. At 17 he had a mental breakdown and was sent to a hospital. Over time his mental issues grew worse and more serious. He became homeless and an alcoholic. I once saw him on the street in an alleyway smearing his own feces on his body and masturbating. I thought to myself, Holy fucking shit.
little Johnny was on his way back from his play date with little suzie
little Johnny was on his way back from his play date with little suzie, he was being dropped home by Suzie's.
when they get to Johnny's house, Suzie's mum stormed up to Johnny' s mum absolutely fuming
"your shit of a little son was saying doctors and nurses with my suzie" she roared
taken aback, Johnny' s mum replied "I think I know where you're going with this. look kids at that age get sexually curious and don't know what they're doing. it's normal, I promise"
"it's not that" she screamed "he's removed her fucking appendix"
I didn't vaccinate any of my kids and none of them got autism.
None of them lived past the age of 2, but that's beside the point.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."
The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".
The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"
"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."
When he honks the horn it goes 'honkey honkey'".
Little white boy says, "shit, my daddys got a chain saw when he starts it up it goes 'run nigga nigga run'".
It's really hard being a good mother in this day and age.
Especially when you're a college aged male with no kids.
"
Man: "How can that be?"
Boy: "He became a father only when I was born."
Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"
Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white."
Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."
I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me.
The Trump Administration is calling its concentration camps for kids under 5 Tender Age centers...
The name narrowly beat out Preblinka and Gauchowitz.
This is my time to shine.
kids
...I've gotten to the age now where I'd really like to have children, so from now on, I'm only willing to date the type of woman I could honestly see myself, beating in a custody battle...
Customs officers check her bag and find some kind of powder.
They ask the girl: "What kind of powder is that?"
"Heroin"
"But heroin is matte-white, and this powder is orange."
"This is a kids' heroine β orange taste."
"I just had sexed in school today, dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my 16th biurthday, my boyfriend will die."
"Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."
I've never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three-year-old toddler over my shoulder.
You had to show up at a girl's door and actually drool.
The officer walked up to my car and said "I've been waiting all day for you " Well I said. I got here as fast as I could.
My 3-year-old granddaughter, Sydney, told my husband, Ted, and me that she was going fishing with her dad.
Ted asked if she was going to use worms.
"No," she said. "I'm going to use a fishing pole."
"Mom", he asked, "is that my brain?"
"Not yet", she answered.
"Donβt be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesnβt realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, thereβs more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother saysβ¦
"Now she knows."
One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"Iβll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver.
"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.
"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.
"I said no way," replied the boy.
"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.
"No, Iβm not getting in the car," answered the boy.
"Okay, Iβll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered.
"No!" replied the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.
The boy replied: "Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!"
One is nine, one is four.
The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says "Theyβre for my four year old little brother."
The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother?"
The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother canβt do either of them!"
"I've never been better!" he boasted.
"I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?"
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must of shot the bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
A huge airplane, full of passengers, had just taken off when a 5 year-old bad behaved boy created havoc with yelling and crying out loud.
Despite his mother's efforts, the boy could calm down.
The passengers, obviously frustrated, gossip about it and some mentioned Herod way for salvation, but they still manage to get through the torture by staying calm and noble.
The boy though, had no plans on ease up with his attitude.
In fact, he gets worse.
Starts screaming, swearing and spitting all around the plane.
People got desperate.
Suddenly, an old man stands up and walks towards to the little boy with a slow but majestic walk.
He was wearing an air force general costume with badges and medals all over his suit jacket.
He nudges to the mother so she can stop trying all of her hopeless efforts to quite the boy and then, kindly bends over and whispers something to the boy's ear.
The child, immediately stops, takes his seat and fastens his seatbelt.
The man went back to his seat with the same confidence, while the whole plane admired his achievement.
"Excuse me Mr. General, but what did you say to that child and made him quite?" a lady wondered.
"I showed him my medals, ma'am, and told him that I've won them on the battlefield and that those medals give me the right to through a passenger off the plane on any flight I feel like, only once a year and then I mentioned that this year... I haven't picked one yet..."
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner βMom & Popβ grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
βOh, no laundry,β the boy said. βIβm going to wash my dog.β
βBut you shouldnβt use this to wash your dog. Itβs very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, heβll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.β
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
βOh, he died,β the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, βI tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.β
βWell,β the boy replied, βI donβt think it was the detergent that killed him.β
βOh, what was it then?β
βI think it was the spin cycle.β
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boysβ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boyβs mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boyβs face and bellowed, βWhere is God?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"Iβm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But George," she said gently, "donβt you see how silly that is? Itβs true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I donβt want a child."
"Oh, donβt worry," the boy said reassuringly, "Iβll use a rubber."
The first kid leans over and asks, ΒWhat are you in here for?Β
The second kid says, ΒIΒm in here to get my tonsils out and IΒm a little nervous.Β
The first kid says, ΒYouΒve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. ItΒs a breeze.Β
ΒCool,Β says the second kid.Β ΒWhat are you in here for?Β
ΒA circumcision.Β
ΒWhoa!Β exclaims the second kid. ΒGood luck, mate. I had that done just after I was born and I couldnΒt walk for a year.Β
He notices the white collar, and decides to ask what itβs about.
"Why do you wear your collar backwards?" The old Jewish man asks.
The Priest, being polite, responds, "Well, Sir, because Iβm a father."
"I am a father too, but I wear my collar normal."
"Yes," the Priest begins, "but I am father of many."
The old Jewish man shakes his head. "I have 8 children, and so many grandchildren I donβt know most their names, and still my collar isnβt backwards."
The priest, aggitated, slams his fist in his palm "Sir! I am the father of hundreds!"
The elderly Jewish man, beweildered, stands to get off the subway, and leans over to the priest "Mister, maybe you should start wearing your pants backwards."
One kid's parents were good business people.
The second kid lives in a good family where he is taught to respect his elders.
The third kid was a poor redneck with an abusive father.
Anyways, they were playing on the beach when a helicopter crashed down into the water.
They saw a man drowning and all raced to save him.
As they pulled the man to shore they realized it was Obama.
The president then said, "Thank you kids for saving me! I'll give you each one wish!"
The first kid said he wanted a helicopter.
The second kid wished for some money.
And the redneck asked for a wheel chair.
Obama, concerned, asked why the poor boy wouldn't want some money for his family.
The kid replied, "Cause when pap finds out what I've done, I ain't gonna be walking for a pretty long time."
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
"You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops."
(WHACK...she spanks him)
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops."
In response, Muhammad asked his wife, "So, how does a 9-year-old know such a big word like that?"
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasnβt too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "Heβs sure doing a lot better job these days isnβt He?"
She needs to go live with her Aunty and Uncle in Bel-Air.
Friendly reminder that Adele and Taylor Swift are the same age, yet one is pregnant and another stuck in middle school.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
A:I have the perfect son.
Q:Does he smoke?
A:No, he doesn't.
Q:Does he drink whiskey?
A:No, he doesn't.
Q:Does he ever come home late?
A:No, he doesn't.
Q:I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A:He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Mum,can i dress a bra?
No.
Why not.I am 14 years old!
How many times I will say you "no", Michael...
The dad stops the son and says, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you are going to go blind."
The son says, "Dad! I'm over here!"
4: How?
Me: ...
4: O.o
Me: ...
4: O.O
Me: With Legos.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4 years old raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
because while slipping I kept mine. Dad's dick!
"What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.
"First Iβd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.
The woman took a deep breath. "Heβs very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very wellβ¦"
"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "Itβs YOUR child!"
My 2-year-old turned it off and went back to bed. She used to be the family alarm clock. Now she's the snooze button.
110 Jokes for Kids : Clean Jokes for All Age Groups (#1 FREE on Kindle)
My 12-year-old son was so happy when he found out tonight, for game night, is fort night.
Who knew kids that age still find joy making pillow and blanket tents?!
More age jokes or go to table of contents
Jokes about boys and girls in school, teachers, lessons and riddles.
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...
Little bastards didn't stand a chanceβ¦
Why are parents so bad at discussing sex with their kids?
When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs shagging in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.
Dancing, she replied.
The first school dance I went to, I got fucking expelled.
Hey girl are you a school?
Because I want to shoot kids inside you.
In high school some kids told me they'd give me $20 to hang out with them.
Turns out it was just clique bait.
I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground...
Being the only adult around, I had to step in.
They didn't stand a chance.
Vladimir Putin making a school visit...
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina puts her hand up and says "I have two questions"
"Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Alina?"
There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.
So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"
His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."
The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"
His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.
The kid again goes "Hey grandma look im white", she beats his ass and sends him to his room.
About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says "Have you learned anything from this?"
The kid says "Yeah I've learned that I've only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 black people."
Blonde schoolgirl
Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24
I wear headphones now when I masturbate.
Its mostly to drown out the voices on the bus; people saying things like, "You should be more responsible, you're the driver." I'm like, "You know what lady, I get your kids to school on time, Monday through Friday."
Germany opens a summer school for kids with ADD
Its a concentration camp
I always tell my kids to stay in school...
but they keep fucking coming back.
a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"
The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."
The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"
"I'm his mom..."
It's the first day of school, and the teacher announces to the class that they will learn to speak like grownups this year.
To demonstrate, she asks the kids what they did this summer. The first child says, "I went on a choo-choo train ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a train ride."
The second child says "I went on a tug-tug boat ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a boat ride."
The third child says, full of pride, "I read a book." "Which one?" asks the teacher.
"Winnie-the-Shit!"
I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children."
I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.
Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school...
...never to be heard from again.
Just saw two elementary school kids in a fistfight...
So as an adult, I had to step in.
They didn't stand a chance.
Every Friday, Ms. Jane ends class a little early...
and plays a game with the kids. She will read off famous quotes, and if one of the students in her 5th grade class can correctly name who said it, they get to leave school a little early. Today the quotes would come from US Presidents. She saw Tommy, who always won this game, sitting in the back, at attention, ready to go home early. She made note to try and let some other people win today.
The first quote she read was "Speak softly and carry a big stick." Immedietly, little Tommy's hand shot up. She glanced around the room and saw Sara meekly raising her hand, so she picked her. "Who said that, Sara?" Sara correctly responded Teddy Roosevelt, so Ms. Jane let her go home early.
The next quote was "My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." Tommy's hand went right up again, but so did Karen's. Ms. Jane picked Karen, who correctly said John F. Kennedy, so she was allowed to leave early.
As Ms. Jane looked down, she heard from the back of the classroom, "Jesus, I wish these bitches would just keep their goddamn mouths shut!" Horrified, she looked up and asked who said that. Tommy raised his hand and said "Bill Clinton, can I go home now?"
A boy is in a CVS with his dad...
A boy is in a CVS with his dad. While in line at the pharmacy, the boy notices something in a box that resembles balloons. Curious, the boy asks his dad about these balloons in the box. "Well, those are condoms, son," the boy's dad replies. "What are condoms used for, dad?" replied the little boy. "They are used so men can practice safe sex," said the father. The boy asks his dad who would use the box of three. The boy's dad replies, "Those are for high school kids. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The boy then spots a box of six and asks his dad about those. "Those are for college kids son. They use two on Friday, two on Saturday and two on Sunday." The boy then asks, "Well what about the box of twelve?" To which the boy's dad replied, "Those are for married men like myself, son. One for January, one for February, one for March....."
I saw two kids fighting in the elementary school playground this morning. Being the only adult around, I had to step in.
They did not stand a chance.
Are you a school?
Cause I wanna shoot kids inside you
Sex education
Dave's wife said to him, "If our kids are old enough to ask a question about sex, then they are old enough to be told a truthful answer."
Just then his son came home from school and asked him what a blow job was.
"Son," said Dave, "I can't remember."
Waking up on a Monday morning...
On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go?"
"Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".
I saw two kids fighting on an elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...
They didn't stand a chance...
Three women are going back to visit the Catholic school that they grew up in, and they find the nun who taught them as children.
"So what have you young ladies been doing with your lives?" the nun asks.
The first woman responds, "Well, I've become an engineer, I'm married and I have three kids."
The second woman says, "I've become an accountant, and I'm happily married with two children!"
The third woman slowly responds, "Well... Um, I'm... I'm a prostitute..."
"You're a WHAT???" says the nun, furiously.
"Well... I'm a prostitute."
"Oh, thank God," the nun says, "I thought you said you were a Protestant!"
Why don't kids play fortnite in school?
It's hard to make out where the gunshots are actually coming from
Little Johnny
At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word contagious in a sentenceβ¦
Cindy raises her hand. Yes, Cindy? She answers, I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.
Very good, Cindy! the teacher said, Anyone else want to try? Samantha raises her hand. Yes, Samantha? She answers, My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.
Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative, the teacher praises. Okay, one more volunteer. Little Johnny raises his hand. Yes, Johnny?
Well, he says, I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, 'Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?' and he says, 'I don't know son, but it's gonna take that contagious.'
The kids at middle school are studying WWII...
... and little Timmys grandpa, who was a fighter pilot in the war, is invited to class to tell about his experiences. He reminisces:
"Now, the worst situation I was ever in, was probably when I encountered a German air wing all by myself. I had one Fokker above me, one Fokker behind me and one Fokker off to my right, so I..."
The class begins to snicker uncontrollably so teacher steps in.
"Now, class, before you start getting ideas, Fokker was the name of a German aeroplane manufacturer. Isn't that right, sir?"
"Yes, Ma'am!... these particular Fokkers were flying Messerschmidts, though..."
Yesterday I saw some kid getting ganged up behind the school by 4 other kids.
As a senior, I have experienced bullying myself so I immediately jump in.
That kid got no chance against 4 of us.
What about the kids?
A catholic school catches on fire and two priests first notice the flames & smoke.
"We gotta get outta here!" Says the first one.
"What about the kids?" Asks the second.
"Fuck the kids!" The first exclaims.
"But, do we have time?"
Oh little Timmy..
The teacher asks Timmy:
"Why is your cat at school today?"
Timmy says, crying:
"Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' So I'm saving him!"
blondes
A girl came skipping home from school one day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde? the girl said. Yes, it's because you're blonde, said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, it's because you're blonde. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy? No Honey, it's because you're 24.
Two priests are on a plane
So two priests are flying with a planeload of Sunday school kids to the Vatican to meet the Pope. Halfway across the Atlantic the pilot tells them that the plane is going to crash and that there are only two parachutes.
One priest turns to the other and says, grab the chutes and we'll jump!
What about the children? Replies the other priest.
Fuck the children! Yells the older priest.
The younger one says, do you think we have time?
Bored on lunch, here's one I tell often.
Two hillbilly kids.. Darla and Buckwheat are at school The teacher asks Darla, 'How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
She responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."
"Now spell 'stupid'."
Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands up and says, otay, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in the a sentence."
"I may be dumb, I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"
Every year, kids are being shipped off to mime school...
Never to be heard from again.
The Kindergartener
A girl came skipping home from school one day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, it's because you're blonde, her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy? No, it's because you're 25.
2 Reasons Why I Should go to School
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"
A private school dance...
There are two private middle schools having a school dance together in on of the school's gyms. One is an all girls' school, and the other is an all boys' school.
All of the kids are dancing in the middle of the school's gym and having a pretty good time...except for one girl with a peg leg and one boy with a wooden eye.
After about a half an hour of standing on opposite sides of the gym, the boy finally musters up the courage to speak to the girl.
The boy says to her "Hi I think you're very pretty, would you like to dance with me?"
Excited, the girl sweetly says "Would I!"
After a moment, the boy growls back at her "peg leg!"
John and Jane were on their way home from school when they heard some kids using some swear words, hell and damn .
They decided to see what would happen if they used them at home, and the next morning, they acted on their plan.
As they sat down at the table, their mother asked Jane what she would like for breakfast.
How about some of them damn Cheerios?
Appalled, her mother smacked her across the face. Hands on her hips, she turned to John.
And you, young man? What would you like for breakfast?
Lip quivering, John replied, I don't know, but it sure as hell won't be any of those damn Cheerios!
Hey baby, are you a school?
Because I want to shoot kids inside of you
I don't believe in hitting my children as punishment...
So I send them to school in a Justin Beiber shirt and Crocs and let the other kids beat them instead
Donald Trump visits an elementary school
"You know I am one of the most intelligent people in the world, good genes very very smart brain. Let's see how smart you are kids: A limusine goes from the white house to TRUMP TOWER at 20 streets per minute. What's my age?"
The whole class stayed in silence. Nobody saw any logic in the question. A single boy raised his arm and answered.
"70 years old."
"Good boy, very smart. You are the second smartest person in this room. Now, explain to the rest of the class how you solved the problem."
"Mr. President, my uncle is 35 years old and he's only half retard."
A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.
First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."
"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.
"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."
Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."
"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.
"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."
Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."
"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.
"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"
A kid has a pear-shaped head
The poor kid is feeling down because everyone at school teases him about his pear-shaped head. One day he can no longer take the teasing and says to the kids teasing him, "I can't help having a pear-shaped head, my mom ate a pear when she was pregnant with me."
"That's not how it works," one of the other kids said. "My mom ate a scratched disc when she was pregnant with me and nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...nothing...happened."
The president is visiting a school
The president was doing a tour of the nation campaigning and one day he stopped at a school to give a presentation to the kids. After finishing the presentation, he took questions from the kids. One little girl raised he hand and asked, "What is a tradgedy?"
"That's a very good question." The president said. "Can anybody answer it.
Another little girl raised her hand. "If a group of kids were clmbing down a cliff, and their ropes broke, and they fell and died, that would be a tradgedy."
"No," replied the president, "that would be a horrible accident. Would anyone else like to guess what a tradgedy is?"
A boy in the back of the room raised his hand. "If a bus full of students slipped on a banana peel and fell off a cliff, that would be a tradgedy."
"No," replied the president, "that would be a great loss. Does anyone else have a guess."
An older boy raised his hand. "Mr. President," he said, "if you were flying and your plane crashed and you died, that would be a tradgedy."
"Yes," said the president. "Can you tell me why that would be a tradgedy?"
"Because," said the boy, "it wouldn't be a great loss, and it sure as hell wouldn't be an accident."
Son: "Dad, the kids at school keep telling me that I'm ugly. Is it true that I'm ugly?"
Father: (*grinding teeth*) "I fucking told you not to call me *dad* in public."
Why do so many kids die in school shootings?
They aren't allowed to run in the hallways.
A priest and a rabbi walk by a burning school.
The priest asks "should we help the kids"? The rabbi says "no, fuck the kids". The priest says "do you think we'll have time"?
Four high school kids who carpooled together decided to skip school and spend the day fishing.
The next day they told the teacher that they had had a flat tire, and couldn't make it to class.
Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a pop quiz yesterday, so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.
Once they were seated and ready, she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"Β
I don't want to get up, Papa.
An elderly gentleman knocks on his son's bedroom door. John, he says, wake up!
John answers, I don't want to get up, Papa.
The father shouts, Get up, you have to go to school.
John says, I don't want to go to school.
Why not? asks the father.
Three reasons, says John. First, because it's so dull; second, the kids tease me; and third, I hate school.
And the father says, Well, I am going to give you three reasons why you must go to school. First, because it is your duty; second, because you are forty-five years old, and third, because you are the headmaster.
How to keep kids from acting up in class
A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.
What do Mexican kids read in middle school?
Tequila Mockingbird.
Hey girl, are you a school?
Because I want to shoot kids inside you.
Lifesavers
A elementary school teacher is teaching her students about the 5 senses. For taste, she gives them each lifesavers. The kids guess what flavor they are. They go through cherry, grape, and apple. The last one the teacher gives out is honey flavored. None of the kids can guess the flavor. Trying to give them a hint, the teacher says "it's something your mother probably calls your father". suddenly a little girl spits out her lifesaver and calls out "EWWWW THEY'RE ASSHOLES"
A teacher starts working at a new school
A teacher starts working at a new school. He soon finds out that one of the kids is always being bullied and picked on. Everyone calls this kid "Manny the Fool". During one of the breaks he asks some of the students how Manny earned his nickname. The kids laugh and offer a demonstration. They call Manny over and offer him two coins - a quarter and a silver dollar. Without thinking Manny picks the quarter and runs away. The kids all laugh at this and go back to their lessons.
Bewildered, the teacher calls "Manny the Fool" over and asks him, "Manny, why did you take the quarter? Don't you know that the silver dollar is worth more?"
"Yeah," says Manny, "but if I take the silver dollar, they will stop giving me money."
Timmy brings his cat to school
The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"
A boy is at school...
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"
Offensive Joke: The principal of my daughter's elementary school wanted to talk me about her behavior.
Apparently she was making racist remarks towards the black kids in her class and insulting them.
I must say I am terrified and very disappointed, she isn't even allowed to talk to them.
Busted!
A couple days ago a couple kids in high school were busted behind their school. One was eating firecrackers and the other was drinking battery acid.
They were taken to court by the police. The judge thought long and hard what their punishment should be, but just ended up charging the one, and he let the other one off.
Obama goes to an elementary school to talk to the kids...
Obama goes to an elementary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up
his hand and Obama asks him his name.
" Stanley ," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all
Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the f**k happened to Stanley?"
A Lawyer a Priest and a Rabbi.....
are driving behind a school bus when it suddenly runs off the road and flips over. The rabbi looks at the other two and says, "We must go out and help the children." The lawyer responds, "Screw those kids." To which the priest replies, "Do you think we have time?"
A school teacher with her class, a lawyer and priest were on a plane.
The pilot announces that they have lost power in the engine and that they will have to use parachutes to jump from the plane.
The teacher says "let the kids go first!"
The lawyer says "screw the kids!"
The priest asks "do we have time!?"
my pre school guitar teacher...
got in trouble for fingering A minor, but he wasn't as bad as bad as my pre school violin teacher...he fiddled with kids... but both were not nearly as bad as my pre school piano teacher....who raped me in the mouth
Walking the Dog... Who says dads can't think on their feet? And the innocence of little kids ...
A little girl asked her Mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies,
"No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little
gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said,
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go
one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no
dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down
the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Why didn't kids make fun of argon in high school?
They never got a reaction out of him.
I'm off to pick the kids up from school.
Before their parents get there.
A Priest and a Rabbi...
A Priest and a Rabbi run out of a burning school, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and says, "What about the kids?!"
The Rabbi says "Fuck the kids!"
The Priest replies, "Do you think we'll have time?".
Little Johnny's Classic Summer Story
On the first day of school, the teacher goes around the class asking the kids what they did that summer.
Teacher: "Johnny, what did you do?"
Johnny: "Well my dad got in a car accident, and a piece of metal went right up his ass!"
Teacher: "Johnny! We don't use that word in here, we say 'rectum.'"
Johnny: "Wrecked 'im? Damn near killed 'im!"
And that's why I never argue with my wife.
Wife : Don't forget to pick up kids from school.
Me : It's Saturday, they're both upstairs.
Wife : It's Wednesday and we've three kids.
Genitals in the classroom ...
One day in a normal school classroom, the teacher went in after recess and found a penis drawn on the blackboard. She couldn't find the eraser, so she just cleaned it with her hand, thinking it was just a prank the kids were playing on her.
The next day after recess, the teacher found yet another penis on the blackboard, slightly bigger this time, and the eraser nowhere to be found. Slightly annoyed, she cleaned it with her hand again.
The third day, unsurprisingly enough, there was another even bigger penis on the blackboard. This time, the teacher, fed up already, gathered the class and said:
''Alright that's enough, who's drawing the penises?''
To which one kid in the back said:
''I don't know miss, but if you keep rubbing it, it will only get bigger''
Betsy DeVos's school funding plan...
You start with $0.
But if you sign up 5 kids for school, and those kids sign up 5 more kids, and THOSE kids sign up 5 more kids...
Hispanic Joke
Three kids are in school...
A white, a black, and a hispanic kid. The teacher tells them to make a sentence with the words liver and cheese.
White kid says: "My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich and it was sooo good."
Black kid says: "Pops told mom to go get the Government cheese And she didn't, so pops punched her in the liver."
Hispanic kid says: "Some kid was trying to look under my sister's dress and I told the cabron, "Hey!!! Liver alone, cheese my sister!!"
Hey, baby, are you a school?
Because I want to shoot kids inside you.
Timmy walks into class holding his cat
Teacher: "Timmy, why did you bring your cat to school?"
Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, "I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave." so I'm saving him!"
At School: What Does It Give You?
Kids, what does the chicken give you?
Meat!
Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
Bacon!
Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Homework!
A high school student approached a group of popular kids during lunch time.
"May I join you?" he asked politely.
"We don't sit with idiots." they said.
"But I do." he replied as he gestured them to scoot over.
They say dad's a transvestite.
-Mommy, mommy! The kids in school say that dad's a transvestite!
-Son, your mom's in the kitchen.
A Farm Boy gets bullied for having a big head...
The son says, "Mom, all the kids at school say I have a big head. Its really upsetting."
The mother says, "Don't worry honey, your head isn't big at all. Now, go gather some potatoes."
"Mom, I don't have a bag for potatoes."
"Its okay son, just use your hat."
I'm sick of emo kids walking school around with their shaved heads
Oh wait, that's the chemo kids
Hey baby, are you a school?
Cause I wanna shoot some kids inside you.
The school called me on the phone today and said, "Your son has been telling lies."
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good! I don't have no kids!
back of the bus....
There once was an old school bus driver who in his age, had plenty of wisdom. One day he over heard the white kids and the black kids yelling about who should sit in the front of the bus, and who should sit in the back.
He quickly pulled the bus over and threw it in park then ordered everyone off the bus.
He proceeded to give an inspirational message about how there was no black or white. "We should all look at ourselves as green from this point on!"
Feeling like he got his point across he ordered the children back onto the bus, "I want the dark green kids in the back and light green kids upfront!"
Once I saw two kids fighting at an elementary school playground
Being the only adult around, I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.
A kid asks the Sunday school teacher which part of the body goes to Heaven first. The teacher decides to make it a lesson and asks the kids what they think.
Sarah says 'it's your brain, because that's what controls everything'
Tina says 'it's your heart, because that's where Jesus lives'
Johnny yells out 'your feet!'
The teacher asks why the feet.
Johnny replies 'because I looked in Mrs Brown's bedroom window this morning and she had her feet in the air screaming 'Jesus! I'm coming!'
3 Guys are at a bar discussing how wasted they where on New Years.
3 guys are at a bar discussing how wasted they got during new years. The first guy says, "Man I was so fucking wasted I blew chunks in my neighbors pool." The second guy replies, "That's nothing. I cheated on my wife with another guy and she left with the kids." The third guy yells, "That's weak. I got so messed up I burnt down a school and now the cops are looking for me as we speak." "GUYS!" the first man yelled, "You don't understand Chunks is my neighbors dog."
Little Jimmy got called into the principal's office.
"Jimmy," the principal said, "you can't bring your cat to school." "I'm sorry, mister, I had to. I was afraid for his life." Confused, the principal asked him what he meant. Jimmy replied: "I heard my dad say 'when the kids go to school, I'm going to tear that pussy apart.'"
"Change" of attitude...
A woman encounters an old school mate.
- Hey! Long time no see!
- Ehh... How are you?
- Great! Working a lot to survive; the world is really hard these days...
- Seems wonderful
- Yeah, it is. And also finally got married with John
- Ummm Seems wonderful
- Yeah, he is. We have three kids and they are the best kids ever.
- Wow, seems wonderful.
- I hope you don't mind, but i'm really impressed.
- Yeah? Why?
- You've changed your manners a lot! I remember that you normally used to curse a lot, and you did not care about anything anyone else was doing. You've changed a lot.
- Well, i went to a psychologist and we talked about the way i was, and he finally gave me a golden advice.
- Yeah? What was it?
- Well, he told me that i should replace in my vocabulary the phrase "I don't give a fuck" with "seems wonderful".
The Perfect Man
So one day, a man is sitting at work with his co-worker:
Man: I'm really happy with life right now. Kids are doing great in school, wife loves me and puts out every night, and my doctor says I'm the picture of perfect health.
Co-worker: Wow! That sounds so great! Is there anything wrong with you?
Man: Well my therapist says I'm a compulsive liar, but what does she know?
Three kids are talking at school...
The first one says: "my dad is a formula one driver; he is super fast!" The second one answers: "Really? My dad is a pilot, and with his jet he is even faster than your dad!" They both turn to the last kid. He puts down his cookie, and tells the others: "My dad is so fast, his timetable says he finishes work at 6, but he's always home by 5". The two other kids are amazed, and they ask where his dad works. "He's a state employee".
At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy
I loved that wheelchair.
What's Resurrection?
There was a man teaching the children's Sunday school class, and his lesson was on resurrection. The man asks the kids if they know what the word resurrection means.
After a long silence a little boy in the back of the room raises his hand and says "Well I don't know what it is but I know that if it lasts more than 4 hours, you have to go see a doctor."
I want to name my son Orange.
That way, the other kids at school won't know how to make fun of him.
Did you hear about all the kids who were shipped off to mime school?
They were never heard from again.
Two high school kids decide to have sex for the first time.
He goes to the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for 2 dozen of his best condoms in preparation for the evening.
Before their big date, he goes to his girlfriends house for dinner and to meet her family.
Before they eat, her father asks the boy to lead the prayer.
He leads a beautiful lengthy prayer about resisting temptation and maintaining purity.
As the young couple is walking out the door to go on their date , she says Johnny, I didn't realize you were so religious.
To which he replies, yeah, well I didn't realize your Dad was a pharmacist!
How's a doctor's office similar to a US school?
Kids can get their shots there, if someone is ill.
Why can't schools in Afghanistan teach kids to count by drawn lines?
Because of the tally ban
A teacher asks the class,"What do you do after school, kids?"
Anthony says "I buy weed from Yakobo"
Emily says "I buy booze from Yakobo"
Shaun says "I buy cocaine from Yakobo"
The teacher definitely didn't want to hear this type of responses, so she asks another random kid whom she didn't know that well.
"I complete my homework" he says.
Pleased, the teacher says "very good! What's your name, child?"
"I'm Yakobo"
First day in a school
Teacher asks kids their names one by one.
β What is your name, son?
β Pepepeteteter Tototowewer
β Are you a stammerer, honey?
β No, my father was. And registry officer was a dick.
there were two kids in a sunday school...
there were two kids in a sunday school named adam and mary, adam was sitting directly behind mary and everytime mary raised her hand to answer a question, adam found it amusing to poke her in the back with his pencil.
"todays lesson we will be answering three questions and then you may leave" said the teacher. "first, heres an easy one. who did the virgin mary give birth to?" adam poked mary in the back with the pencil and she replied a little agrivated
"ahh! jesus!" the teacher was pleased with mary and asked the second question
"who is the ruler of everything?" again adam poked mary with his pencil and again she replied agrivatedly
"ahh! god!" the teacher obviously pleased with mary decided to ask a very hard question
"what did eve say to adam after they gave birth to their 100th child?" again adam pokes mary in the back with his pencil and she angrily turns around and snaps
"adam, if you stick that in me one more time, im gunna break it in half!!"
More school jokes or go to table of contents
Jokes about teachers teaching kids to new skills.
Larry the Fighter Pilot
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Larry's whore"
I asked my maths teacher, "Will we ever use any of this algebra?"
She said, "You won't, but some of the smart kids might."
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then he killed the last Iraqi with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?
"Stay the hell away from Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!
6 people in a plane
3 kids, a teacher, a lawyer and a Catholic priest.
The plane is going down and there are only 3 parachutes. The lawyer runs over and grabs one.
Teacher: what about the children!?!
Lawyer: fuck the children!
Priest: is there time?
It's the first day of school, and the teacher announces to the class that they will learn to speak like grownups this year.
To demonstrate, she asks the kids what they did this summer. The first child says, "I went on a choo-choo train ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a train ride."
The second child says "I went on a tug-tug boat ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a boat ride."
The third child says, full of pride, "I read a book." "Which one?" asks the teacher.
"Winnie-the-Shit!"
A woman runs into a man at the grocery store
Woman: Hi there!
Man: Do you know me?
Woman: I think you're the father of one of my kids.
Man: Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?
Woman: No.... I'm your son's teacher.
Little Kevin
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an infinite Visa Card, and all while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from Little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson...
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin's whore."
Can anyone use the word "contagious" in a sentence?
Julia raises her hand. Yes, Julia? She answers, I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.
Very good, Julia! the teacher said, Anyone else want to try? Shazza raises her hand. Yes, Shazza? She answers, My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.
Excellent work, Shazza! Very creative, the teacher praises. Okay, one more volunteer. Bruce raises his hand. Yes, Bruce?
Well, he says, I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, 'Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?' and he says, 'I don't know son, but it's gonna take that contagious.'
A teacher asks her kids in class....
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
A teacher says to her first grade class
"Alright kids, from now on, we must use grown up words. Now Tommy, what did you do this weekend?"
"I rode on a Choo-Choo", said Tommy
"No Tommy, you rode on a train, please use more grown-up words. Now Jacky, what did you do this weekend?"
"I played with my woof woof", said Jacky
"No Jacky, you should say you played with your dog. Now Suzy, what did you do this weekend?"
"Well," she said, "I watched a television show"
"See, those are grown-up words. Now Suzy, what show did you watch?"
Suzy thought for a second and proudly said, "Winnie the Shit"
Little Johnny
At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word contagious in a sentenceβ¦
Cindy raises her hand. Yes, Cindy? She answers, I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.
Very good, Cindy! the teacher said, Anyone else want to try? Samantha raises her hand. Yes, Samantha? She answers, My dad tells me not to yawn because then everybody else yawns. He says yawning is contagious.
Excellent work, Samantha! Very creative, the teacher praises. Okay, one more volunteer. Little Johnny raises his hand. Yes, Johnny?
Well, he says, I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, 'Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?' and he says, 'I don't know son, but it's gonna take that contagious.'
"What do you dream of doing, kids?" Asked the teacher...
Jimmy: "I want to be a pilot"
Amber: "I want to be a teacher"
Stacy: "I want to be a good mother"
James: "I want to help Stacy to be a mother"
The kids at middle school are studying WWII...
... and little Timmys grandpa, who was a fighter pilot in the war, is invited to class to tell about his experiences. He reminisces:
"Now, the worst situation I was ever in, was probably when I encountered a German air wing all by myself. I had one Fokker above me, one Fokker behind me and one Fokker off to my right, so I..."
The class begins to snicker uncontrollably so teacher steps in.
"Now, class, before you start getting ideas, Fokker was the name of a German aeroplane manufacturer. Isn't that right, sir?"
"Yes, Ma'am!... these particular Fokkers were flying Messerschmidts, though..."
Oh little Timmy..
The teacher asks Timmy:
"Why is your cat at school today?"
Timmy says, crying:
"Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' So I'm saving him!"
How to put 7 holes in 1 hole?
Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.
Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.
"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero."
"This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole."
"Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children.
The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole.
"Hmmmm," he thought, "How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"
"Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"
Boy and girl in class asked the teacher a question.
"Can kids of our age have kids?"
Teacher replied " NO Never!!"
Boy said to girl :
"See I told you not to worry!!!!"
Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases
One kid wrote:
1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /
The teacher asked what's '/' ?
Student replied it's a stroke.
Bored on lunch, here's one I tell often.
Two hillbilly kids.. Darla and Buckwheat are at school The teacher asks Darla, 'How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
She responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."
"Now spell 'stupid'."
Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."
Buckwheat stands up and says, otay, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in the a sentence."
"I may be dumb, I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"
Daddy's nickname
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"
Technology has ruined our kids
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make? "
"It goes moo. "
"Alice, what noise does a cat make? "
"It goes meow. "
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make? "
"It goes baaa. "
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make? "
"Errr.., it goes.. click! "
Little Larry
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.Β Β
Β
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Larry's whore."
Β
Do you know what animals give you?
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
One brave student...
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
Blonde physical education teacher
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher for 16 - 18 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'Are you ok?' she asks.
'Yes,' he replies.
'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.
'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde..
The boy looks at her incredulously and says:
"Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"
Teacher asked kids to tell her what they liked the most about her and she would tell them who they would be when they grew up.
Sally : I like your hair teacher!
Teacher: well, you're going to be a hair stylist!
George : I like your teeth teacher!
T : Well, you're going to be a dentist.
Then little Johhny jumps out of his seat and yells : I already know what i'm gonna be!
T : well, tell us.
Johhny : A milkman!
It's contagious
A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling
them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can
use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands.
"Carl," she says.
Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause
they're contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher.
Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious."
The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"
Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the
class. "Yes, Johnny?"
Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little
model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and
down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that
cunt ages to finish that fence.'"
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . ..
And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be KevinΒΉs hooker."
A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.
First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."
"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.
"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."
Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."
"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.
"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."
Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."
"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.
"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"
Johny the Fighter Pilot
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you
grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest Prostitute, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny's Prostitute."
Russian joke.
A kid homes home all excited and tells his mom that their teacher was carrying a gallon of super glue, dropped it, slipped and glued herself to the floor.
"Omg" says mom, " did you guys get her off"
"Yea" says the kid, the brave kids did it twice
The teacher told the kids: name a few things that you can put in your mouth.
Kids: Apple, chocolate, cookie, lamp
Who said that last one?
Johhny stood up and said: it was me.
Why do you think you can put a lamp in your mouth? the teacher asked.
Because last night, after I went to sleep I heard my dad tell my mom to turn off the lamp so he can put it in her mouth.
A kindergarden class is having a tasting activity.
A kindergarden class is having a tasting activity.
The teacher blindfolds all of the kids and tells them she is going to give them something to taste and they have to try and guess what it is.
She hands each of them a cup of grape juice and they all agree that it tastes like grape.
Next, she hands them a cup of whipped cream, and again, they all guess correctly.
For the last one, she hands them a cup of honey and says,"ok kids, this one is little harder, so ill give you a hint. It's something your mommy sometimes calls your daddy!"
They ponder the flavor in their mouth for a bit when suddenly one kid screams, "SPIT IT OUT, IT'S AN ASSHOLE!"
Four high school kids who carpooled together decided to skip school and spend the day fishing.
The next day they told the teacher that they had had a flat tire, and couldn't make it to class.
Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a pop quiz yesterday, so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.
Once they were seated and ready, she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"Β
How to keep kids from acting up in class
A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.
A 4th grade '49ers fan in Dallas
The scene is a 4th grade classroom in Dallas, Texas. The teacher asks for a show of hands:
"Hey kids, how many of you are Dallas Cowboys fans?"
Everyone in the class raises their hand, except for little Suzy. The teacher says:
"Little Suzy, I notice you didn't raise your hand. Why is that?" Little Suzy responds:
"Because I'm a 49ers fan!"
"A 49ers fan?," the teacher asks incredulously, "Why on Earth are you a 49ers fan?"
"Because my Mommy is a 49ers fan, my Daddy is a 49ers fan, so I'm a 49ers fan."
The teacher doesn't like Suzy's answer:
"Little Suzy, that's no kind of logic. What if your Daddy was a drug dealer and your Mommy was a prostitute?"
Suzy doesn't blink an eye:
"Well then I'd be a Raiders fan!"
Little Billy was in class, learning about Custard's last stand...
The teacher asked all the kids to draw a picture of what they thought was going through the mind of General Custer. Little Billy drew a cow witha halo over it's head and a bunch of Indians having sex. "Um... Billy, what is this?" The teacher asked. Little Billy responded, "It's what General Custer was thinking, Ms. Johnson... 'Holy cow, look at all the fucking Indians. "
Obama Fans - Little Johnny
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again. Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan." The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican." The teacher asked him why he was a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my mom is a Republican and my Dad is a Republican, so I am a Republican." Annoyed by the answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan."
Little Billy
One day, a teacher asks the kids in her class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Billy: "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200-foot yacht, an Infinite Visa Card, and I want to make love to her three times a day."
The teacher, shocked with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson . . . "
And you, Nancy?"
"I wanna be Little Billy's bitch!"
Kids from around the globe were asked to write an essay...
and the teacher asked, "Please write in your own opinion about the insufficient amount of food in other countries."
But none of the could write it.
The kid from South America didn't know what 'please' was.
The Asian kid didn't know what 'your own opinion' was.
The European kid didn't know what the word 'insufficient' meant.
The Kid from Africa didn't know what 'food' was.
And the kid from North America had absolutely no clue what the heck were 'other countries'.
Little Johnny is back!
A teacher asks the kids in her 6th grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this response from little Johnny decides not to acknowledge what he said and tries to continue with the lesson
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny's whore"
The teacher asks all the students to draw something on the board that's exciting...
All the other kids draw rockets, jet planes, roller coasters, and so on. But little Johnny goes up to the board, draws a dot, and sits down.
The teacher says "Johnny, there's nothing exciting about a dot. How can a dot cause excitement?"
Johnny replies "That's not a dot, it's a period, and my sister just missed hers, and it's causing a lot of excitement at our house!"
In a classroom
The teacher is talking to little girls about Johnny's awful language 'Remember girls, when Johnny starts swearing just go out of our classroom.' Johnny came in and sat down. The teacher asked what are the buildings under construction in town. Kids say many things but then Little Johnny says 'They are building a whorehouse nearby'. And so every girl got up and started heading for the door. Then Johnny shouted 'Wait up whores, it will be done in a month, what's the rush'
Questions and Answers between "Teacher and Student"
Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
Lifesavers
A elementary school teacher is teaching her students about the 5 senses. For taste, she gives them each lifesavers. The kids guess what flavor they are. They go through cherry, grape, and apple. The last one the teacher gives out is honey flavored. None of the kids can guess the flavor. Trying to give them a hint, the teacher says "it's something your mother probably calls your father". suddenly a little girl spits out her lifesaver and calls out "EWWWW THEY'RE ASSHOLES"
A teacher starts working at a new school
A teacher starts working at a new school. He soon finds out that one of the kids is always being bullied and picked on. Everyone calls this kid "Manny the Fool". During one of the breaks he asks some of the students how Manny earned his nickname. The kids laugh and offer a demonstration. They call Manny over and offer him two coins - a quarter and a silver dollar. Without thinking Manny picks the quarter and runs away. The kids all laugh at this and go back to their lessons.
Bewildered, the teacher calls "Manny the Fool" over and asks him, "Manny, why did you take the quarter? Don't you know that the silver dollar is worth more?"
"Yeah," says Manny, "but if I take the silver dollar, they will stop giving me money."
Timmy brings his cat to school
The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"
Little Jimmy wants to be a fighter pilot.
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Jimmy says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Jimmy,
decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Jimmy 's whore.
A school teacher with her class, a lawyer and priest were on a plane.
The pilot announces that they have lost power in the engine and that they will have to use parachutes to jump from the plane.
The teacher says "let the kids go first!"
The lawyer says "screw the kids!"
The priest asks "do we have time!?"
my pre school guitar teacher...
got in trouble for fingering A minor, but he wasn't as bad as bad as my pre school violin teacher...he fiddled with kids... but both were not nearly as bad as my pre school piano teacher....who raped me in the mouth
Career day
A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living. Mary raises her hand first and says, "My dad's a lawyer for the government. He puts the bad guys in jail." Jack puts his hand up next and says, "My dad's a doctor. He makes sick people better." Eventually, all the kids take their turn except Jim. The teacher asks him, "What does your dad do?" Jim replies, "My dad's dead." The teacher is taken aback. "I'm sorry to hear that, Jim. What did he do before he died?" Jim looked up and said, "He turned blue and shit on the living room carpet."
Fat cow
Teacher is teaching kids
Teacher: what does the chicken give you?
Student: meat!
Teacher: what does the pig give you?
Student: bacon!
Teacher: what does the fat cow give you?
Student: HOMEWORK!!
A teacher in class with her students
+ Alright kids, so what does the chicken give us?
- Eggs! They answer in unison.
+ Very good! And what does the pig give us?
- Meat!
+ Excellent! And how about the cow?
- Homework!
Classic Little Johny Joke :P
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, butwhen the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his ontothe floor and shouted, "Quick!Spit'em out! They're assholes!"
Little Johnny's Classic Summer Story
On the first day of school, the teacher goes around the class asking the kids what they did that summer.
Teacher: "Johnny, what did you do?"
Johnny: "Well my dad got in a car accident, and a piece of metal went right up his ass!"
Teacher: "Johnny! We don't use that word in here, we say 'rectum.'"
Johnny: "Wrecked 'im? Damn near killed 'im!"
Genitals in the classroom ...
One day in a normal school classroom, the teacher went in after recess and found a penis drawn on the blackboard. She couldn't find the eraser, so she just cleaned it with her hand, thinking it was just a prank the kids were playing on her.
The next day after recess, the teacher found yet another penis on the blackboard, slightly bigger this time, and the eraser nowhere to be found. Slightly annoyed, she cleaned it with her hand again.
The third day, unsurprisingly enough, there was another even bigger penis on the blackboard. This time, the teacher, fed up already, gathered the class and said:
''Alright that's enough, who's drawing the penises?''
To which one kid in the back said:
''I don't know miss, but if you keep rubbing it, it will only get bigger''
Two inspectors enter a classroom...
...to see how active and intelligent the students were.
They both sit behind one of the kids. The teacher starts asking question, and the kid in front of the inspectors raises his hand at every question, but the teacher avoids him, knowing that he's stupid.
After a few minutes, the teacher gives up and lets the boy answer a question. The boy gets up and says:
"Miss, your ass is so damn sexy."
"How dare you? Get out right now!" says the teacher, irritated.
The boy gets up from his seat and, before leaving, he turns to the two inspectors:
"Hey, don't whisper if you don't know the answers."
Hispanic Joke
Three kids are in school...
A white, a black, and a hispanic kid. The teacher tells them to make a sentence with the words liver and cheese.
White kid says: "My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich and it was sooo good."
Black kid says: "Pops told mom to go get the Government cheese And she didn't, so pops punched her in the liver."
Hispanic kid says: "Some kid was trying to look under my sister's dress and I told the cabron, "Hey!!! Liver alone, cheese my sister!!"
Today I saw two kids fighting in the playground. As a teacher I had to step in...
These fuckers didn't stand a chance.
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"
Timmy walks into class holding his cat
Teacher: "Timmy, why did you bring your cat to school?"
Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, "I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave." so I'm saving him!"
My math teacher told me that 3/5 of the kids in my class don't understand fractions
Thankfully I'm a part of the other 3/5.
Little Timmy's english lesson...
...was about food today.
"Good morning class" says the teacher, "today's lesson is about food! Let's start by mentioning things we can eat. Come on kids."
Sally raises her arm "bread!"
"Very good, Sally!" Says the teacher.
"Cornflakes!" says Billy.
"Good one, cornflakes! Anyone else?"
Timmy raises his hand and yells "Lamps!'
The teacher pauses for a moment, confused: "Lamps? You can't eat lamps, what made you think that?"
Timmy: "well last night I was walking past my parent's bedroom and I heard my dad say to my mom: turn off the lamp cause I'm gonna shove it down your throat."
It's Fathers Day At Kindergarten And All the Kids Are Supposed To Make Cards... (Fixed)
...by drawing a picture of their father at work.
Teacher asks, "Logan, what does your father do?"
"My dad's a cop. I'm gonna draw him catching a bad guy."
Then the teacher asks, "Briei, what does your father do?"
Briei says, "My dad's a writer. I'm going to draw him with his new book."
Teacher gets to Little Johnny. "And what does your father do, Johnny?" The teacher looks at the card and is surprised to see it's a picture of a man stripping at a gay bar! Knowing better the teacher asks why he lied Little Johnny says, "My dad's the quarterback for The Vikings but i'm too embarrassed to tell that..."
The teacher faints.
A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.
The next day the kids come in and share their stories. "My daddy told me about my uncle Dave," says one boy. "He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands."
"What is the moral of this horrible story?" yelps the mortified teacher.
"Stay away from Uncle Dave when he's drinking."
A kid asks the Sunday school teacher which part of the body goes to Heaven first. The teacher decides to make it a lesson and asks the kids what they think.
Sarah says 'it's your brain, because that's what controls everything'
Tina says 'it's your heart, because that's where Jesus lives'
Johnny yells out 'your feet!'
The teacher asks why the feet.
Johnny replies 'because I looked in Mrs Brown's bedroom window this morning and she had her feet in the air screaming 'Jesus! I'm coming!'
Three kids walk into a classroom...
The White girl enters. The teacher says "Do an essay", and the girl is finished in 45 minutes
The Asian girl enters. The teacher says "Do an essay", and the girl is finished in 35 minutes
The Mexican girl enters. The teacher says "Do an essay", and the girl is finished in 5 minutes
Kids These Days - Teacher & Student
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
The fastest thing...
Science teacher asks the kids, what is the fastest thing they know.
Timmy: Electricity!
Teacher: Why? Tell us?
Timmy: Whenever I press the light switch in my room, it takes less than a second to be on.
Teacher: Good example Timmy.
Fred: A lightning!
Teacher: Why? Freddie?
Fred: Because it appears super fast! covering big distances in no time.
Teacher: Good example Freddie.
Johnny: Diarrhea!
Teacher: Diarrhea? why?
Johnny: Last night my stomach ached, I woke up like a lightning, turned on the lights, and I was already covered in shit.
A teacher is teaching their class about animals.
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest are in an airplane with 2 kids...
Suddenly both engines go out, and the passengers frantically begin searching for parachutes, of which they can only find two.
"Save the children," cries the teacher!
"FUCK the children," growls the lawyer!
"Do we have time...?" whispers the priest.
Little Johnny makes class awkward again
Teacher asks kids to come up and draw something that is important in their lives. First kids goes up to the board and draws a firetruck and explains his dad is a firefighter. Next kid goes up and draws a skateboard and explains he loves to skateboard and wants to be like Tony Hawk. Little Johnny goes up to the board and draws a little dot on the board. Teacher asks him what it is. "It's a period." Teacher asks why it's important. "Well, my sister missed one and my whole family is excited."
An English teacher went to Germany to teach the German kids English words.
On Day one, he taught them all the English words beginning with A.
Day two, he taught them all the English words beginning with B. After day three which was words C, he thought to himself.
"How are they gonna handle D-day?"
A teacher asks the class,"What do you do after school, kids?"
Anthony says "I buy weed from Yakobo"
Emily says "I buy booze from Yakobo"
Shaun says "I buy cocaine from Yakobo"
The teacher definitely didn't want to hear this type of responses, so she asks another random kid whom she didn't know that well.
"I complete my homework" he says.
Pleased, the teacher says "very good! What's your name, child?"
"I'm Yakobo"
A teacher was going over the history syllabus.
The teacher says to the class "We will be learning about history for the next 6 months. Each month I will teach a different decade. We will cover the 1940s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s and 2000-2010".
A student puts her hand up and asks "what about the '90s?". The teacher replies saying "only 90s kids remember the 90s".
First day in a school
Teacher asks kids their names one by one.
β What is your name, son?
β Pepepeteteter Tototowewer
β Are you a stammerer, honey?
β No, my father was. And registry officer was a dick.
Sex Ed class
Teacher : any questions?
Johnny : which sex position makes the ugliest kids?
Teacher : ask your parents.
*class fuckin loses it*
Little Johnny's dad
Little Johnny's teacher asks every kid in the class to share what their dads to for a living.
"My dad's a fireman."
"My dad's a policeman."
Soon, all the kids except little Johnny had shared. The teacher asks:
"Little Johnny, what does your father do?"
"Nothing, he's dead."
"Well, I'm sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?"
"He shit his pants and turned blue."
there were two kids in a sunday school...
there were two kids in a sunday school named adam and mary, adam was sitting directly behind mary and everytime mary raised her hand to answer a question, adam found it amusing to poke her in the back with his pencil.
"todays lesson we will be answering three questions and then you may leave" said the teacher. "first, heres an easy one. who did the virgin mary give birth to?" adam poked mary in the back with the pencil and she replied a little agrivated
"ahh! jesus!" the teacher was pleased with mary and asked the second question
"who is the ruler of everything?" again adam poked mary with his pencil and again she replied agrivatedly
"ahh! god!" the teacher obviously pleased with mary decided to ask a very hard question
"what did eve say to adam after they gave birth to their 100th child?" again adam pokes mary in the back with his pencil and she angrily turns around and snaps
"adam, if you stick that in me one more time, im gunna break it in half!!"
One day, there was a school where a class had just started...
The teacher said to the class, "OK kids! it's time to say what do you wish to be when you grow up" And so she went wih all the kids.
"I want to be a doctor" replied a small and innocent-looking girl.
"I wish to be a firefighter!" said a boy that showed no signs of fear.
"I wish to be an Idiot" Replied one very confident boy.
I'M SORRY? exclaimed the teacher, her stunned face expressed a mind that couldn't understand why would a boy say that.
"It's just that one day I was walking with my dad and a few of his friends through a store, when a very pretty woman passed by us and one of my daddy's friends said: Look at that beautiful woman walk, and the idiot she has with her"
Three kids named Raindrop, Snowflake and Brick are in school on the first day.
Three kids named Raindrop, Snowflake and Brick are in school on the first day. The teacher asks Raindrop "Why is your name Raindrop?"
"Because when I was born, a raindrop fell on my head."
Then she asks Snowflake "Why is your name Snowflake?"
"Because when I was born, a snowflake fell on my head."
Then she asks Brick "Why is your name Brick?"
"Muuuhggaahhh!"
An elementary teacher is talking about animals to her students...
Teacher: What does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good. What does the pig give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Great! What does the cow give you?
Kids: Homework!
Human thought
A teacher is teaching the kids that there is nothing quicker than a human thought. All of a sudden, one of the kids gets up and says that she is wrong, so the teacher asks, "What could be quicker, then?"
The kid then says, "Well, last night I overheard my parents having sex as I was passing by the bedroom. After a short while I heard my dad say, 'Shit, I came quicker than I thought.'"
A short collection of jokes....
Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: homework!!!
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Why is there no mexican olympics? Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the boarder..
Q: Why do Jewish men get circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off.
Boy:say me
Girl:me
Boy: you forgot the d
Girl: there's no d in me
Boy: not yet there isnt :)
One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if i could help her check her balance... so i pushed her over
Failed my biology test today:
They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"
Apparently "black people" wasnt the correct answer
Enjoy and post some funny ones i can havea laugh at...
Kindergarten
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting, and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude, but eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
It's a period, reported Johnnie.
Well I can see that, she said, But what is so exciting about a period.
Damned if I know, said Johnnie, But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.
Teacher-Student Joke
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
Teacher joke
One day a young female teacher walks into her class and finds a drawing of a dick on blackboard. She clean it off and warns the kids to not do it again.
The next day when she arrives in the class, she finds a bigger dick drawing and beneath it was written," the more you rub it, the more it will get bigger".
Little Johnny
The teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in London, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel all over Europe, a Visa Card with no limit, and all the time banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny's hooker."
Teacher asks student
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
The teacher asks his class which is larger an atom or a cell...
...None of the kids raise their hands finally Johnny raises his hand. The teacher calls on him and Johnny answers correctly saying that a cell is larger. When asked to explain he replys that his dad could only fit his penis into Adam but he now lives in a cell.
(Not very good, I just thought of it in science when asked the same question.)
One day at school, the kids are asked what pet animals they like...
One day at school, the kids are asked what pet animals they like.
John says: The bear ... because he has fluffy fur.
Kelly says: The lion, because of his mane.
Mike: I like the flatfish.
The teacher, surprised, asks: Why the flatfish?
Mike: Because it's flat.
Teacher: Do you know why it's flat?
Mike: Because it was fucked by a whale.
The next day inspection. The same story ...
Mike, reprimanded the day before, answers: the frog.
Teacher : Why the frog?
Mike: Because he has bulging eyes.
Teacher, relaxed: And you know why he has bulging eyes?
Mike: Obviously ... He saw the flatfish getting fucked by the whale to much.
A WWII veteran is telling some schoolchildren about his time as a fighter pilot
The children are enthralled by his storytelling, when he says: "And then out of the blue, came some Fokkers, right on my tail!"
The more immature kids begin giggling, at which point their teacher says "Now class, the Fokker was a type of German plane in the war."
The veteran replies; "That's true, ma'am, but that time the fuckers were Messerschmitts."
Teacher: Kids, what do you get from the chicken?
Kids: Eggs!
Teacher: Very good! Now what do you get from the fat pig?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what do you get from the fat cow?
Little Johnny: Homework!
Spelling practice
It is spelling lesson. The teacher asks the kids to spell different words.
-Emma, can you spell 'dog'?
-D O G
-Correct! Jake, can you spell 'cat'?
-C A T
-Correct! Now, Ahmed, can you spell 'racial discrimination'?
I know the kids don't like you and pick on you, but you have to go to school...
you're the teacher!
A teacher, a Catholic priest, a lawyer and a bunch of school kids on a plane..
There is a plane that is about to crash and on board are some schoolchildren their teacher a lawyer and a catholic priest. There are a few parachutes and the teacher immediately says save the kids! No, Fuck the kids says the lawyer Then the catholic priest says Is there time?
What she gave you?
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
What does the fat cow give you?
Teacher: "Kids, what does the fluffy chicken give you?"
Students: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pink pig give you?"
Students: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Students: "Homework!"
The firefighters dog
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"
Teachers be like...
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Students: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Students: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Students: "Homework!"
Why was the teacher wearing sun-goggles in the class?
Because the students were such a bright bunch of kids!
More teacher jokes or go to table of contents
Jokes about babies, newborn, infant, toddler and little children.
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside
Hey baby, are you a school?
Because I want to shoot kids inside of you
I hate when people talk about their kids age in weeks and months.
"Jessica said her first word at 36 weeks!"
You mean 9 months.
"Ken is 24 months!"
Deborah, he's 2.
"My baby is -26 weeks old!"
No, Karen, you miscarried.
Be careful what you name your kids
I met my wife when I was 25. We got married fairly young because she got pregnant. In march of 1989 we had a beautiful baby daughter that my wife wanted to name Love. She was the fruit of our mutual affection; therefore I agreed.
Love grew up hating her name, which greatly upset me and her mother. She was bullied in school every day, something we would have given anything to be able to stop. One day Love came home from school and kissed me on the cheek, something she hadn't done since she was a kid. I heard my wife drive into our yard and as I went to open the garage door for her I heard a loud bang behind me and fell on the floor. My wife ran up to me, and as I bled on her arms the only thing I could utter was
_Shot through the heart
And you're to blame, darling
You gave Love
A bad name_
Why can't female medical examiners have kids?
Because nobody puts baby in a coroner.
Hey, at least it was original, again I will see myself out.
Hey, baby, are you a school?
Because I want to shoot kids inside you.
Hey baby, are you a school?
Cause I wanna shoot some kids inside you.
I work in a hospital.
The neonatal intensive care unit is one of the toughest places to work. Rooms full of babies who were born too early and/or far too sick. It's really sad what you see.
One of the worst cases I ever saw, a baby was born with no eyelids. A very rare case that happens to 1 in every 500,000 kids. It took days for doctors to figure out what to do.
Finally, they decided to transfer foreskin to the face to act as eye lids. Amazingly, it worked.
The kid turned out just fine, he's just a little cock-eyed.
Good and bad news.
So there was a couple who had 3 kids. All three were horribly disfigured, but the couple decided to give it one last shot at a healthy baby. So, 9 months later, the husband is sitting in the waiting room waiting to hear the news. Soon, the doctor comes out with the baby wrapped in a blanket.
The husband says, "So how is he?"
The doctor says, "Well, I've got some good news and bad news"
"Oh god, tell me the good news first!"
So the doctor pulled back the blanket and the husband saw that his child was just one big eyeball.
The husband cries, "Oh god this is horrible! What could possibly be the bad news?!"
The doctor replies, "He's blind!!"
A mother takes her crying baby to the hospital.....
The doctor gets out his little exam light and ends up pulling a Lima bean out of the kids left ear, a baby carrot out of one nostril, a Skittle and two peas out of the other nostril and a hunk of pear out of the kids' right ear.
The mom cringes as she watches all of this, then asks the doctor what's wrong with the kid.
The doctor shrugs a bit and says, "I'm not sure yet, but for one thing, he certainly isn't eating right."
Kylie Jenner just named her newborn baby daughter Stormi
I think the Kardashian family is trying to have a weather forecast for her kids, because it's going to be Stormi in North West Chicago with a chance of Reign.
Did you hear about the redneck couple with 9 kids?
The dad went to the doctor to get a vasectomy and the doctor asked him why. 'Well, we read that 1 out of 10 babies born in the US now are Mexican, and we don't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither the wife nor I speak Spanish'.
Triplet Trouble
A pregnant woman was shot three times in the stomach during the war. After the war, she gave birth to three beautiful sons. The years went by, and the kids became teenagers. One day, the first son comes to his mother and says:
"Mom, mom! I was peeing, and a bullet came out of me!" he says "That's fine, you had an accident when you were a baby." she explains.
A couple of days later, the second son comes screaming:
"Mommy! I was peeing and I peed a bullet!" he sobs "It's okay, that happened to your brother, too. Nothing to worry about." she comforts him.
The next week, the third son comes slowly walking to his mom, his face completely red, and says:
"Hey, mom... remember how bullets came out of my brothers last week?" he asks quietly "Yes, it's completely normal." she replies with a smile "Yeah, well, I was masturbating and I shot grandma."
How did the babysitter lose 500 kids and keep her job?
She swallowed
I told my kids "I slept like a baby last night,
Woke up at 1am and fussed until your mom stuck a boob in my mouth."
A Transformer Baby!
Few Kids and a pregnant lady was standing at Bus stop..
kid: "What are you expecting?"
The girl says, "A bus."
The kid turns to his friend and says: "Wow! I am 100% sure this chick got screwed by a Transformer
People give me weird looks when I tell them I love kids.
All I'm saying is that I love baby goats.
So you know how most stores have 'you break it you buy it' rule?
The teacher responded "Yes why?"
Johnny said "Well do you think if you were to be looking at babies to adopt and dropped one that the orphange would make you buy it?"
Nurse: "If youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half."
Me: [visibly confused]
Wife: "The grapes, not the baby."
Our baby was born last week.
When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
I'm never buying clothes for my kids again
Dang baby goats just eat everything!
What kind of trees watch kids in Mexico?
Baby cedar
One kid ask what do you call a mixed baby?
One replies a zebra,another replies a mistake and the third one replies.
Rape
I have two kids, and when they were babies their poop smelled like Arby's...
Which really goes to show you how disgusting baby poop is
When i was little my parents couldn't afford to buy me Garbage Pail Kids.
So they made me a dumpster baby instead.
He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, "Im getting a brother."
One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother.
He replyed, "I think mommy ate him."
Kid to her mother: "If you hurt me I'll make you pregnant by a needle."
Mother: "How? My sweet it isn't possible."
Kid: "I'll insert the needle to daddy's condom!"
My wife is so negative.
I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
A woman starts dating a doctor.
Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says.
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth.
One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I am your mother, the archbishop is your father."
Samantha explains it to her.
"I still don't get it? Can you show me."
Suzy says.
"OK. Tonight, I will let you watch will my boyfriend, Jack and I screw."
That night, Jack laid Samantha 5 times but Suzy still didn't understand.
The next night Jack was tired of Suzy watching so he offered to have sex with her.
"OK but I don't want Samantha to watch"
So Samantha went outside.
They are in there for almost an hour and when they come out Jack is smiling like crazy.
"That was fun but I still don't get it."
Says Suzy
The next day the same thing happened.
And the next day.
Finally 2 weeks later Samantha comes home crying.
"Whats wrong," Suzy says.
"Jack dumped me. He said there was someone better."
Said Samantha.
"Let's go talk to him maybe we can change his mind," said Suzy.
When they got there Jack said he made up his mind and there was nothing they could do to change it.
Then he asked to speak to Suzy privately.
He pulled off all of Suzy's clothes and started to screw her.
"OK," Jack said kissing Suzy's neck "I broke up with Samantha now tell me how you got to be so good in bed."
"Fine." She replied, "I asked all my other sisters how babies are made."
"Yes brother," says Paddy.
"Well I'm going on a business trip soon and if she gives birth while I'm away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids," says Mick.
"It'll be an honour to do that for you Mick," says Paddy.
A month later Paddy calls Mick.
"Hello Mick, your wife's given birth to a boy and a girl, their beautiful," says Paddy.
"That's wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?" says Mick.
"I called the girl Deniece," says Paddy.
"And what did you call the boy?"
"I called the boy De nephew."
Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'"
Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "Because we need the eggs."
"Jeff, my child, your mother had to stay in the hospital for a few days, cause the stork that brought your baby brother bite her by accident."
"Oh, gosh! What a terrible thing to happen to her after such a difficult birth!"
Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mum asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
The gentleman kept repeating softly, βDonβt get excited, Albert; donβt scream, Albert; donβt yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.β
A woman standing next to him said, βYou certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.β
The man looked at her and said, βLady, Iβm Albert.β
Did you hear the Pillsbury Doughboy and one of the Cabbage Patch Kids had a baby?
It was an ugly little fucker with a yeast infection.
It's funny how baby goats are called kids...
And kids can goat o hell...
A little girl announced proudly to our class one day, "My mommy has a baby in her belly!"
The little boy next to her was mortified! "Why did your mommy eat a baby!"
My babysitter once tried to molest me
Goes without saying I stopped letting him babysit my kids after that.
I am buying a couple of baby goats...
I just want to be able to talk about my kids.
What do you say to someone who raises baby goats?
Cute kids.
Damn baby is your name Karen?
Because I'd love to let you take my kids, if you know what I mean.
More baby jokes or go to table of contents
Best of 329 Funny Jokes for Kids. Hilarious knock knock jokes for kids which can be corny and silly. Some are about Halloween, Christmas or Thanksgiving and can be tell at school.
You've read some of the best kids jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty kids gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in January 2020.
How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these kids jokes are funny and some are hilarious.
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