Uproarious Kids Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids.
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a v**...."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
Obama smoked w**... growing up, and now look where he is today
Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
'90s kids won't get this
Social security
A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?
"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"
Apparently as a 4-year old, h**... was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...
Little b**... didn't stand a chance…
You can explore kids groucho reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean kids brats dad jokes. There are also kids puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I help blind kids
Verb, not adjective
Only 2010's kids will get this...
Measles
Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?
Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads
The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.
They've left those kids a loan.
s**... Ed in 2015
Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one "D" away from 'Netflix and Child.'
No matter how kind you are...
No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.
My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.
n**...
I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...
Apparently she left me two days ago.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
Hey girl are you a school?
Because I want to shoot kids inside you.
1984 is a great work of literature.
I think all kids should be forced to read it.
Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes
"Let's eat punctuation"
Two kids were talking...
Kid 1: I bet you're a v**...
Kid 2: I was a v**..., until last night!
Kid 1: Lies!
Kid 2: Ask your sister.
Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!
Kid 2: You will in about nine months!
Only 1300's kids will get this..
The Black Plague
When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...
I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.
90's kids won't get this 😂😂
Affordable housing prices
If online bullying has taught us anything.
It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids.
But when I came back home, they were still there.
I asked my maths teacher, "Will we ever use any of this algebra?"
She said, "You won't, but some of the smart kids might."
One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore..
It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.
A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?
Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have s**... with kids.
Prisoner: I'm sorry I tried to escape.
Guard: I'm not mad, just........disappointed.
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
In high school some kids told me they'd give me $20 to hang out with them.
Turns out it was just clique bait.
Just been challenged to a water fight by next doors brat kids...
Popped on here to check messages while the kettle boils.
My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.
They got really upset and started to cry.
Scratch is a s**... name for a cat anyway..
Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were:
"I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"
Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.
Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids
We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...
In one ear, out the other.
I couldn't find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...
Apparently, she left me two days ago...
If you open a camp to help kids with ADHD
Is it a concentration camp?
I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.
I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.
In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."
We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."
I said, "Tell him, he's b**... good. I don't have any kids
A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a m**... are talking about their families.
The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The m**... speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
My wife said, Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?
I said, Fine, but I don't make any sense when I'm high.
I think my family is racist
I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.
My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I'm obsessed with Horse Racing.
I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....
My son, Luke, loves how I named our kids after Star Wars characters...
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.
Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza.
I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
Finally, a blonde joke I haven't heard before…
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun k**... a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'No, it's probably best I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says,
Because I'm the Goalie!
**
my wife left me because i'm obssesed with africa
kenya believe it?
and we have two kids together, this divorce is ghana be so hard on them
A blond Joke I've only heard once before.
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun k**... a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.
'No, it's probably best I stay here.' he says.
'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says,
"Because I'm the Goalie!"
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.
What are the pros and cons of making kids
Pros: Making
Cons: Kids
My wife just said I'm not allowed to come to the PTA meeting with her this week. I think it's because she secretly knows Miss Taylor has a thing for me.
But my wife says it's because she's the teacher and we don't have kids.
I hear that kids from Chernobyl are really good at math.
After all, they can count to 15 on their fingers.
Wife and I agreed that we don't want kids.
We'll tell them when we bring them to bed tonight.
My wife wants to replace our kitchen countertops with Quartzsite
I told her I was afraid the kids would take it for granite
Normally the wife picks up our four kids at school, but today she sent me a text, "Working late. Please pick up kids <3"
It was really hard deciding which two to leave behind.
If you think your kids are kind…
don't forget that German kids are always kinder.
Is it ok for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?
Or does that make me a bad teacher?
