Jokes for Kids

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside

Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today
Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties.


I thought, fuck me, I might win this

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
You're coming home now! she screamed.

No, I'm not, I laughed.

She said, I'm talking to the kids.

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

'90s kids won't get this
Social security

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!
Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

Little Billy
One day, a teacher asks the kids in her class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Billy: "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200-foot yacht, an Infinite Visa Card, and I want to make love to her three times a day."

The teacher, shocked with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson . . . "

And you, Nancy?"

"I wanna be Little Billy's bitch!"

Barack Obama was out jogging one day...
When he tripped, and fell over a bridge railing and landed in the river below. Before secret service could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted in return for saving his life. The first kid said, "I want to go to Disney world!" To which Obama replied, "not a problem, I'll even fly you there in Air Force one." The second kid then says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's!" "You got it." Said Obama. "I'll even have Michael Jordan himself sign them." Then the third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in big screen tv and headset." Obama seemed a bit confused at this. "You don't look like yore handicapped." He said. To which the kid replied, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.

What's the difference between broccoli and boogers?
You can't get kids to eat broccoli.

Kids are the best..
Teacher: Quvenzhané, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

Quvenzhané: I is...

Teacher: No, Quvenzhané...... always say, 'I am.'

Quvenzhané: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'

My kids will be friends with people of all colors of the rainbow.
That means no black people.


(Credit goes to a person on either America's Got Talent or Britain's Got Talent, can't remember which)

What kind of cigarettes do California kids smoke?
Yours.

Why couldn't the Dairy Queen have any kids?
Because she married Mr. Softy!

I have never envied deaf people before until 11 am this morning when for a couple of minutes I could not hear my wife and kids.

What did Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson have in common?
Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.
Whereas, Michael Jackson......


Fucked little kids!

I saw a video clip of one of the guys from "The Bloodhound Gang" tell a version this joke. Best delivery ever! (Just giving credit. Or blame).

How many ska kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four:
One to drop it,
Three to pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.

Why are Ice Cream Truck music so loud ? NSFW
To muffle the sound of the captive kids that are held captive

Blonde schoolgirl
Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24

How many ska kids does it take to change a light bulb?
Three; one to drop the bulb and two to yell "pick it up pick it up!"

Dad cooks a deer,
But doesn't tell the kids what it is.

"I'll give you one hint," he says. "It's what your mother calls me."

suddenly the little boy jumps up and says to his sister, "Don't eat it! It's a Fucking Dick!!!"

Three families live in an apartment building.
On the first floor is a Mexican family, the second a white family, the third a black family. Suddenly a tornado hits the apartment building. Which family survives? The white family, because the parents were at work and the kids were at school.

Why didn't ken and barbie ever have kids?
Because ken always comes in a different box.

Why didn't Men and Barbie ever have kids?
Because Ken always comes in a different box.

There are 2 types of restaurants...
Good restaurants, and restaurants with kids menus.

Computer games don't affect kids.
If, say, Pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music.

My kids are always accusing me of having a 'favourite kid'
Which is ridiculous as I don't like any of them.

-Danny Zuker

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today
Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

'90s kids won't get this
Social security

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!
Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?
"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...
Little bastards didn't stand a chance…

I help blind kids
Verb, not adjective

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.

Why don't you throw a rock at a black kid on a bike? You might hit your bike.

Q: What's the difference between racist jokes and kids with cancer?
A: They never get old.

Q: What's the difference between a black guy and a elevator?
A: The elevator can raise a child.

Why do ghetto people always name their kids things they cant afford like Diamond, Mercedes, Car Insurance?

A 5 year old black boy walks up to a 5 year old white boy and says, "My daddy's goy a car.

When he honks the horn it goes 'honkey honkey'".
Little white boy says, "shit, my daddys got a chain saw when he starts it up it goes 'run nigga nigga run'".

When terrorists feed their children, do they use the airplane method of "open wide" while making airplane noises?
Or do they just smash it into their faces?

Why can't two Asian's have a white baby? Because two Wong's don't make a white!

There is three kids sitting at the lunch table one day.

One kid ask what do you call a mixed baby?
One replies a zebra,another replies a mistake and the third one replies.
Rape

I was walking by a car filled with black kids, and I heard a *click* as they locked the doors.

I felt like such a bad-ass until I realized it was my car.

What's the difference between a black guy and a dead guy. Neither of them go home to see their kids.

Q: What is the difference between a Jew and a boy scout?
A: the boy Scott gets to go home after camp.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car.
It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

What is the difference between a fridge and a kid?
A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.

Heres what you do:
1. Dinner
2. Kiss
3. Movie
4. Sex
5. Bring her back home
6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting

Whats the difference between a jew camp and a summer camp?
The kids come back.

Q: How is spinach like anal sex?
A: Chances are if you're forced to have it as a child you are probably going to hate it as an adult.

Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?
A: They don't know where home is.

Q. Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 10 years?
A. Michael Jackson

Q: What's the difference between morbid and black humour?
A: Well, black humour is like 10 children in one rubbish bin, whereas morbid humour is like one child in 10 rubbish bins.

"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?"
"First of all, don't give him anything to drink."

In a shop for kids. Peter selects a toy car, comes to the cash desk and gives the cashier money-cards from Monopoly game.
The cashier:
- Are you stupid? This isn't real money!
Peter:
- You're stupid. The car is not real either.

An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids enters Wal Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason.

The man at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins?"
The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, "Hell, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?"
"No madam... I’m neither blind nor stupid... I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who had sex with you twice."

A dad is washing the car with his son.

After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "

I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Little Mathieu was digging in his garden a hole.

The next door neighbor saw him and asked;
"Why are you digging the dirt Mathieu?"
"My goldfish died, and I have to bury it."
"Oh, I’m so sorry! But, isn’t that hole too big for a small goldfish?"
"Indeed, it is! But my goldfish is inside your stupid cat!"

Yo' Mama is so stupid, she gave your kids a "Yo' Grandmama Is So Stupid" joke book.

Yo mama jokes
Yo mama so stupid that when saw a bus full of white kids she said "Stop that twinkie!!".

Yo mama so dumb that she went to the dentist to get a bluetooth.

Yo mama so stupid that when she heard that there was a serial killer on the loose, she hid all of her cherios.

Yo mama so fat that when she sat down on the toilet, it said "ABCDEFG get your fat ass off of me".

Yo mama so stupid that she brought a spoon to the superbowl.

Yo mama so stupid that she got hit by a car that was parked.

Yo mama so fat, that when she went to the movies, she sat next to everyone.

Yo mama so fat thaf when she walked by the tv, I missed a marathon of Christmas movies.

Yo mama so fat, that when she was in the road and I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas, and I was on a full tank.

Now, Let me hear YO yo mama Jokes!

Twins
Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister.

" Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

When I was younger I used to think having sex was kissing naked.

One day after showering my dog came in the restroom, so I kissed him on the head, after realizing what I did I ran downstairs, and told my mom that I had sex with the dog, you can image her face after hearing this.
Yep I was a very dumb child.

A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, "Where have you been?"
The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill."
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, "Where have you been?"
The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill."
Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, "Where have you been?
Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill." and the girl says, "No, I am blueberry hill."

Q: Why doesn't Smokey the bear have any kids?
A: Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby.

Apparently, they meant from the outside.

When a woman breast feeds in public it's called natural, but when I do it, the woman calls the cops.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

Two kids were talking together.
First: "My daddy is so tall that he can touch the clouds in the sky with his hands."
Second: "That is excellent. Does your daddy touch something soft and downy?"
First: "Yes, of course."
Second: "Those are my daddy's testicles."

After 20 years of marriage, a wife finds out that her husband had been f*cking her for the past 20 years with a dildo!
she is so angry she asks her husband to "Explain the dildo".
The husband replies "explain the kids?!"

It must be something in the air that is causing a lot of women to get pregnant... Their legs.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

Boy and girl in class asked the teacher a question.

"Can kids of our age have kids?"

Teacher replied " NO Never!!"

Boy said to girl :

"See I told you not to worry!!!!"

John: How old are you?
Peter: Hmmm..I'm 7
John: You know what, when I was your age, I was also 7.

They say 1 in 3 people live next to a pedophile.

Not me! I just live next to 2 smoking hot 8 year old.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Q: What's the difference between racist jokes and kids with cancer?
A: They never get old.

You're not old until a teenager describes you as middle-aged.

Should I have another baby after 35? No, 35 children are enough.

Q: How is spinach like anal sex?
A: Chances are if you're forced to have it as a child you are probably going to hate it as an adult.

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."
The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".
The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"
"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."

A 5 year old black boy walks up to a 5 year old white boy and says, "My daddy's goy a car.

When he honks the horn it goes 'honkey honkey'".
Little white boy says, "shit, my daddys got a chain saw when he starts it up it goes 'run nigga nigga run'".

Q. Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 10 years?
A. Michael Jackson

Man: "How old is your father?"
Boy: "As old as me.

"
Man: "How can that be?"
Boy: "He became a father only when I was born."

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

kids
...I've gotten to the age now where I'd really like to have children, so from now on, I'm only willing to date the type of woman I could honestly see myself, beating in a custody battle...

A young girl with a bag is crossing the customs.

Customs officers check her bag and find some kind of powder.
They ask the girl: "What kind of powder is that?"
"Heroin"
"But heroin is matte-white, and this powder is orange."
"This is a kids' heroine – orange taste."

Son: "Daddy; why some of your hairs have turned white?"
Father: "Every lie told by you makes one of my hairs white."
Son: "Oh now I understood why all grandfathers' hairs are white."

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me.

I got caught in police speed trap yesterday.

The officer walked up to my car and said "I've been waiting all day for you " Well I said. I got here as fast as I could.

I don't care what you think you're good at, there's a 7-year-old kid on YouTube doing it better.

Well son, in the '90s, there was no drooling emoji.

You had to show up at a girl's door and actually drool.

A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while he was bathing.

"Mom", he asked, "is that my brain?"
"Not yet", she answered.

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don’t be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn’t realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there’s more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says…
"Now she knows."

I've never played the bagpipes but I have carried a screaming three-year-old toddler over my shoulder.

"I just had sexed in school today, dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my 16th biurthday, my boyfriend will die."
"Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

My 3-year-old granddaughter, Sydney, told my husband, Ted, and me that she was going fishing with her dad.
Ted asked if she was going to use worms.
"No," she said. "I'm going to use a fishing pole."

A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice.

"What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.
"First I’d have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.
The woman took a deep breath. "He’s very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well…"
"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It’s YOUR child!"

I turned on the light to wake up my kids.

My 2-year-old turned it off and went back to bed. She used to be the family alarm clock. Now she's the snooze button.

back of the bus....
There once was an old school bus driver who in his age, had plenty of wisdom. One day he over heard the white kids and the black kids yelling about who should sit in the front of the bus, and who should sit in the back.
He quickly pulled the bus over and threw it in park then ordered everyone off the bus.
He proceeded to give an inspirational message about how there was no black or white. "We should all look at ourselves as green from this point on!"
Feeling like he got his point across he ordered the children back onto the bus, "I want the dark green kids in the back and light green kids upfront!"

4-year-old: Why are you my dad?
Me: Because I made you.

4: How?
Me: ...
4: O.o
Me: ...
4: O.O
Me: With Legos.

What's the difference between Ice Age 4 and Batman The Dark Knight?
The kids walked out of Ice Age 4... Alive

One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window.
"I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car," said the driver.
"No way! Get lost!" replied the boy.
"How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?" the driver asked.
"I said no way," replied the boy.
"What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?" asked the driver.
"No, I’m not getting in the car," answered the boy.
"Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars," the driver offered.
"No!" replied the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.
The boy replied: "Listen, Dad: You bought the Volvo-you live with it!"

Two little boys go into the grocery store.

One is nine, one is four.
The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says "They’re for my four year old little brother."
The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother?"
The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!"

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted.
"I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?"
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man.
"Someone else must of shot the bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

A huge airplane, full of passengers, had just taken off when a 5 year-old bad behaved boy created havoc with yelling and crying out loud.
Despite his mother's efforts, the boy could calm down.
The passengers, obviously frustrated, gossip about it and some mentioned Herod way for salvation, but they still manage to get through the torture by staying calm and noble.
The boy though, had no plans on ease up with his attitude.
In fact, he gets worse.
Starts screaming, swearing and spitting all around the plane.
People got desperate.
Suddenly, an old man stands up and walks towards to the little boy with a slow but majestic walk.
He was wearing an air force general costume with badges and medals all over his suit jacket.
He nudges to the mother so she can stop trying all of her hopeless efforts to quite the boy and then, kindly bends over and whispers something to the boy's ear.
The child, immediately stops, takes his seat and fastens his seatbelt.
The man went back to his seat with the same confidence, while the whole plane admired his achievement.
"Excuse me Mr. General, but what did you say to that child and made him quite?" a lady wondered.
"I showed him my medals, ma'am, and told him that I've won them on the battlefield and that those medals give me the right to through a passenger off the plane on any flight I feel like, only once a year and then I mentioned that this year... I haven't picked one yet..."

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.”
“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
“Oh, he died,” the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”
“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”
“Oh, what was it then?”
“I think it was the spin cycle.”

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.

Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I’m in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But George," she said gently, "don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child."
"Oh, don’t worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I’ll use a rubber."

Two little kids are in hospital beds next to each other.

The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It’s a breeze.”
“Cool,” says the second kid.” “What are you in here for?”
“A circumcision.”
“Whoa!” exclaims the second kid. “Good luck, mate. I had that done just after I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year.”

An old Jewish man gets on the subway in New York and sees a priest.

He notices the white collar, and decides to ask what it’s about.
"Why do you wear your collar backwards?" The old Jewish man asks.
The Priest, being polite, responds, "Well, Sir, because I’m a father."
"I am a father too, but I wear my collar normal."
"Yes," the Priest begins, "but I am father of many."
The old Jewish man shakes his head. "I have 8 children, and so many grandchildren I don’t know most their names, and still my collar isn’t backwards."
The priest, aggitated, slams his fist in his palm "Sir! I am the father of hundreds!"
The elderly Jewish man, beweildered, stands to get off the subway, and leans over to the priest "Mister, maybe you should start wearing your pants backwards."

Once upon time, there were three friends playing on a beach.

One kid's parents were good business people.
The second kid lives in a good family where he is taught to respect his elders.
The third kid was a poor redneck with an abusive father.
Anyways, they were playing on the beach when a helicopter crashed down into the water.
They saw a man drowning and all raced to save him.
As they pulled the man to shore they realized it was Obama.
The president then said, "Thank you kids for saving me! I'll give you each one wish!"
The first kid said he wanted a helicopter.
The second kid wished for some money.
And the redneck asked for a wheel chair.
Obama, concerned, asked why the poor boy wouldn't want some money for his family.
The kid replied, "Cause when pap finds out what I've done, I ain't gonna be walking for a pretty long time."

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
"You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops."
(WHACK...she spanks him)
He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops."

One day, Muhammad's wife called him a pedophile.

In response, Muhammad asked his wife, "So, how does a 9-year-old know such a big word like that?"

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa’s lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face.

She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?"

Willow Smith is 11 and has a tongue ring, half her head shaved and is bisexual.

She needs to go live with her Aunty and Uncle in Bel-Air.

Friendly reminder that Adele and Taylor Swift are the same age, yet one is pregnant and another stuck in middle school.

Children are the leading cause of old age.

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

A:I have the perfect son.
Q:Does he smoke?
A:No, he doesn't.
Q:Does he drink whiskey?
A:No, he doesn't.
Q:Does he ever come home late?
A:No, he doesn't.
Q:I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A:He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Mum,can i dress a bra?
No.
Why not.I am 14 years old!
How many times I will say you "no", Michael...

A son and the dad are walking around on the streets.

The dad stops the son and says, "Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you are going to go blind."
The son says, "Dad! I'm over here!"

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4 years old raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

When I was a child I would rather go for bathing with my father;

because while slipping I kept mine. Dad's dick!

I figure I might need a new kidney in 30 years, so I've decided to have a kid.

Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...
Little bastards didn't stand a chance…

Waking up on a Monday morning...
On a Monday morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up son. It's time to got to school!"
"But mom, I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why."
"Well, the kids hate me, and the teachers hate me too!"
"That's no reason. Come now get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go?"
"Well for one you are 52 years old. And for another, you're the principal!".

What about the kids?
A catholic school catches on fire and two priests first notice the flames & smoke.

"We gotta get outta here!" Says the first one.

"What about the kids?" Asks the second.

"Fuck the kids!" The first exclaims.

"But, do we have time?"

2 Reasons Why I Should go to School
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

Lifesavers
A elementary school teacher is teaching her students about the 5 senses. For taste, she gives them each lifesavers. The kids guess what flavor they are. They go through cherry, grape, and apple. The last one the teacher gives out is honey flavored. None of the kids can guess the flavor. Trying to give them a hint, the teacher says "it's something your mother probably calls your father". suddenly a little girl spits out her lifesaver and calls out "EWWWW THEY'RE ASSHOLES"

Timmy brings his cat to school
The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"

Busted!
A couple days ago a couple kids in high school were busted behind their school. One was eating firecrackers and the other was drinking battery acid.

They were taken to court by the police. The judge thought long and hard what their punishment should be, but just ended up charging the one, and he let the other one off.

my pre school guitar teacher...
got in trouble for fingering A minor, but he wasn't as bad as bad as my pre school violin teacher...he fiddled with kids... but both were not nearly as bad as my pre school piano teacher....who raped me in the mouth

Little Johnny's Classic Summer Story
On the first day of school, the teacher goes around the class asking the kids what they did that summer.

Teacher: "Johnny, what did you do?"

Johnny: "Well my dad got in a car accident, and a piece of metal went right up his ass!"

Teacher: "Johnny! We don't use that word in here, we say 'rectum.'"

Johnny: "Wrecked 'im? Damn near killed 'im!"

They say dad's a transvestite.
-Mommy, mommy! The kids in school say that dad's a transvestite!

-Son, your mom's in the kitchen.

What's Resurrection?
There was a man teaching the children's Sunday school class, and his lesson was on resurrection. The man asks the kids if they know what the word resurrection means.

After a long silence a little boy in the back of the room raises his hand and says "Well I don't know what it is but I know that if it lasts more than 4 hours, you have to go see a doctor."

Why do hardcore kids wear camouflage?
Because they don't want to be scene.



If you were in high school in the mid 2000s, you get it.

Orange Jews
Three of my best friends and I are Jewish in a school with a total of probably 20 Jewish kids (so everyone know we are Jewish). This year for Halloween, the four of us are all going dressed in orange morph suits. If anyone asks what we are, we will simply respond with "orange juice."

College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.

My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.

I gave birth 0 times and I don't fit in my pants from March.

I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying.

I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

A father went to take his daughter from school.

While waiting, he heard her talking with a classmate of hers "I worry so much-..! My dad works 16 hours a day so he can build a dream house for when I grow up. My mom spends her days cooking for me, making deserts and tiding my room so I can have fun. I worry. I’m so worried!"
"With that kind of parents you have nothing to worry about," her friend told her.
"Yeah, but what if... What if they... What if they... ESCAPE?"

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls.

You seem like the kind of person who always tried to open the wrong side of the milk carton in grade school.

I had such a crush on my sixth-grade teacher... I was home schooled.

How many alternative school kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but they get extra credits for it

A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.

He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, "Im getting a brother."
One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother.
He replyed, "I think mommy ate him."

A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."

A mother noticed her little dauther praying.

"Please, God," the little girl kept saying.
"Bless my father and my mother and make Melaka the capital city of Malaysia."
"Why did you make such as strange request?" the mother asked.
"Beacause that's what I wrote in my Geography test this morning!"

Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?"
Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school.

Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume, she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal- Mart in a buggy.

Each time she put something in the basket she would say, "And here’s something for you, Diploma." or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma." and so on.
Eventually a bewildered shopper who’d heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"
The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to the University of Virginia and this is what she came home with!"

Three families live in an apartment building.
On the first floor is a Mexican family, the second a white family, the third a black family. Suddenly a tornado hits the apartment building. Which family survives? The white family, because the parents were at work and the kids were at school.

I don't want to get up, Papa.
An elderly gentleman knocks on his son's bedroom door. John, he says, wake up!

John answers, I don't want to get up, Papa.

The father shouts, Get up, you have to go to school.

John says, I don't want to go to school.

Why not? asks the father.

Three reasons, says John. First, because it's so dull; second, the kids tease me; and third, I hate school.

And the father says, Well, I am going to give you three reasons why you must go to school. First, because it is your duty; second, because you are forty-five years old, and third, because you are the headmaster.

How to keep kids from acting up in class
A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

Blonde schoolgirl
Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24

back of the bus....
There once was an old school bus driver who in his age, had plenty of wisdom. One day he over heard the white kids and the black kids yelling about who should sit in the front of the bus, and who should sit in the back.
He quickly pulled the bus over and threw it in park then ordered everyone off the bus.
He proceeded to give an inspirational message about how there was no black or white. "We should all look at ourselves as green from this point on!"
Feeling like he got his point across he ordered the children back onto the bus, "I want the dark green kids in the back and light green kids upfront!"

A private school dance...
There are two private middle schools having a school dance together in on of the school's gyms. One is an all girls' school, and the other is an all boys' school.

All of the kids are dancing in the middle of the school's gym and having a pretty good time...except for one girl with a peg leg and one boy with a wooden eye.

After about a half an hour of standing on opposite sides of the gym, the boy finally musters up the courage to speak to the girl.

The boy says to her "Hi I think you're very pretty, would you like to dance with me?"

Excited, the girl sweetly says "Would I!"

After a moment, the boy growls back at her "peg leg!"

I wrote this joke myself and all my friends think it's hilarious
This child comes home from school (it is a boys' only school) at the end of the day very upset and his mom asks him what's wrong. The child tells his mother that all the other children at school got penis enlargers for the holidays and the mother responds, "All the other kids with their pumped up dicks..."

Every Friday, Ms. Jane ends class a little early...
and plays a game with the kids. She will read off famous quotes, and if one of the students in her 5th grade class can correctly name who said it, they get to leave school a little early. Today the quotes would come from US Presidents. She saw Tommy, who always won this game, sitting in the back, at attention, ready to go home early. She made note to try and let some other people win today.

The first quote she read was "Speak softly and carry a big stick." Immedietly, little Tommy's hand shot up. She glanced around the room and saw Sara meekly raising her hand, so she picked her. "Who said that, Sara?" Sara correctly responded Teddy Roosevelt, so Ms. Jane let her go home early.

The next quote was "My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." Tommy's hand went right up again, but so did Karen's. Ms. Jane picked Karen, who correctly said John F. Kennedy, so she was allowed to leave early.

As Ms. Jane looked down, she heard from the back of the classroom, "Jesus, I wish these bitches would just keep their goddamn mouths shut!" Horrified, she looked up and asked who said that. Tommy raised his hand and said "Bill Clinton, can I go home now?"

blondes
A girl came skipping home from school one day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde? the girl said. Yes, it's because you're blonde, said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, it's because you're blonde. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy? No Honey, it's because you're 24.

there were two kids in a sunday school...
there were two kids in a sunday school named adam and mary, adam was sitting directly behind mary and everytime mary raised her hand to answer a question, adam found it amusing to poke her in the back with his pencil.
"todays lesson we will be answering three questions and then you may leave" said the teacher. "first, heres an easy one. who did the virgin mary give birth to?" adam poked mary in the back with the pencil and she replied a little agrivated
"ahh! jesus!" the teacher was pleased with mary and asked the second question
"who is the ruler of everything?" again adam poked mary with his pencil and again she replied agrivatedly
"ahh! god!" the teacher obviously pleased with mary decided to ask a very hard question
"what did eve say to adam after they gave birth to their 100th child?" again adam pokes mary in the back with his pencil and she angrily turns around and snaps
"adam, if you stick that in me one more time, im gunna break it in half!!"

Three boys are walking home from school and they see a naked woman.

One of them runs away the other two stay to watch.
The next day they are walking home from school and they see the naked woman again, and again the same boy runs away.
Another day later they are walking home and they see the naked woman again, as the boy tries to run away the other boys grab him and ask, "What are you gay or something don't you like looking at naked women?"
He replied, "Yeah, I love looking at naked women but my mom said that if I see one I'll turn into stone and I feel something starting to get hard."

Joey and Katie are sitting in school.

Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.
"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.
"Correct." Says the teacher.
So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?"
Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.
"Correct again." Says the teacher.
So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

Billy, learned at school that everybody has secrets.

So, he decided to take advantage of it.
One day, as he came home from school, he went in front of his mother and told her: "Mommy, mommy! I know everything!"
His mom, obviously scared to death: "Here, take a 100 euros and say NOTHING to your father about it, okay?"
"Okay mommy!" says Billy and leaves the room with a big smile on his face.
When his dad came from work, he did the same to him as well: "Daddy, daddy! I found out everything!"
Numb, his father puts his hand on his pocket: "Here, take a 100 euros and say NOTHING to your mother, okay?"
"Okay!" says Billy with a bigger smile on his face.
The next morning, on his way to school, he sees the Postman.
He thought he could try it to him too: "Mr. Focker, I know everything!"
The Postman, the minute he heard it, fell on his knees and wide opened his arms: "Then, come... Come closer... My son!"

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.

Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I’m in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But George," she said gently, "don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child."
"Oh, don’t worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I’ll use a rubber."

Billy was excited about his first day at school.

So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can’t find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.
Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and went on his way.
A short while later he returned to the class room and said to the teacher "I still can’t find it."
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who had been at the school for awhile, to help Billy find the bathroom.
So Tommy and Billy left the classroom together and five minutes later they both return and sat down at their seats.
The teacher asked Tommy "Well, did you find it?"
Tommy was quick with his reply. "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

There's this black kid that goes to school and realizes teachers treat him differently than the white kids.
So, he goes home, paints himself white and shows his dad.
His dad beats the crud outta him.
He shows his mother, "Hey Ma, Look! I'm white!"
He gets beat by his mom too.
Lastly, he shows his Grandmother, "Grandma, Look! I'm white!
She beats him badly with her cane and sends him to his room.
Later, his dad comes into his room and asks, "Son, did you learn anything out of this?"
And the boy replies, "Duh! I've only been white for an hour and I already hate three niggers!"

Little Johnny was at school one day, when he noticed that there was a large crowd of kids gathered around Little Billy.
Little Johnny walks up to Little Billy and says "Hey what's all the excitement about",
Little Billy says "Just showing everyone my new watch".
Little Johnny goes "Wow, that's a cool watch where did you get it?"
Little Billy says "Well, I walked in on my mom and dad having sex over the weekend, and my dad was so mad he gave me spanking and sent me to my room".
The next day, he feel guilty about what he had done and went and bought me this cool Watch.
This gives Little Johnny a good idea.
Later that night, when Little Johnny was sent to bed, he stayed up listening and waiting for his mom and dad to go to bed.
Once he starts hearing noises coming from their room he runs down the hall, throws their bedroom door open, and yells "I want a watch!"
His dad looks over to Johnny and says "Well okay, but sit in the corner and be quiet!"

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we’re living with two h***s and a future congressman."

One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “shit”.

He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”.
Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “fucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant.
His father promptly said “cooking”.

Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words “bitches and hoes”.
He went home and his father told him it meant “grandpa and grandma”.

Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over.
Timmy answered the door with glee and says: “Hey bitches and hoes! I’ll take your shit to the closet cause dad’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn't have a problem with it.

So one day in Sunday school, Mary thinks, "The hell with it," and decides to go to sleep.
The teacher sees this and asks Mary a question to keep her awake.
"Mary, who created the heavens and the earth?"
William, who is sitting behind Mary, pokes her in the butt with his pencil. Mary wakes up and shouts, "God almighty!"
And the teacher says, "Yes. That's correct, Mary."
Mary goes back to sleep and the teacher asks her another question.
"Who died on the cross for our sins?"
William pokes Mary again. She wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Christ!"
Once again, she goes back to sleep.
This time the teacher asks, "Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
William pokes her again.
Mary wakes up and shouts, "If you don't stop poking me with that thing, I'm gonna break it off!"

A boy is at school...
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

The kids in school are asked to say nouns that represent things that can be eaten..
"Apple", says a child. "Very good !", the teacher agrees. "Bread !" says another. the teacher agrees again. "Lamp !", says a kid from the back of the class. Puzzled, the teacher asks him how are lamps edible, so the boy explains. "Yesterday, as i was passing by my parrents' bedroom, i overheard my dad say to my mom: Turn off that lamp and just put in your mouth !"

A little kid runs to his mom...
A little kid runs to his mom and says, "Mom! Mom! At school they call me Big Teeth!"

The mom says "Oh, baby, don't listen to those kids. They're just lying. Now, can you please lift your head up? You're scratching the floor"

Obama goes to an elementary school to talk to the kids...
Obama goes to an elementary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up

his hand and Obama asks him his name.

" Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?

Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all

Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?

Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all

Americans don't have health insurance?

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the f**k happened to Stanley?"

Names
There are 3 new kids in school today, all of them sisters, they walk in and the teacher decides to talk to them
Teacher: Hello, whats your name?
Child 1: Rose

Teacher: Thats a nice name, why are you called Rose?

Rose: Because when I was in my mommys tummy, a Rose fell on her

Teacher: Aw thats so sweet, whats your name?
Child 2: Tulip

Teacher: Thats a lovely name, why are named Tulip?

Tulip: because when I was in my Mommys tummy, a Tulip fell on her

Teacher: Thats so adorable!
What about you -points at Child 3- whats your name?

Child 3: My name is **Brick**

Another blonde joke
A girl came skipping home from school one day and went to her mother. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde? the girl asked. Yes, it's because you're blonde, replied the mommy.

The next day, she skipped home again. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were reciting the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G! Very good, said her mother. Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy? Yes, it's because you're blonde.

The same thing happened the next day. Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these! And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. Very good, said her embarrassed mother. Is it because I'm blonde, mommy? No, honey, it's because you're 24 years old.

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’”
A small voice from the back of the room rang out,
“And there’s the teacher; she’s still old, nasty, and wrinkled”

Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called "Headmaster?"

Did you hear about that kid that had sex with his teacher? Yeah, he recently died from hi-fiving.

Yo' Mama is so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, the kids yell, "Here comes the school bus."

One day a boy came home running while crying.

His mother asked what happened why are you crying?
The boy said`I got punished for something I did not do’.
His mother said ‘That’s horrible.
what did you not do’.
The boy in tears said`my homework’

Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence.
Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green."
The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall."
The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors."
From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?"
The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly."
Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely shit my pants!"

So, after beating the crap out of the nerdy kid in my class who always gets things right, I returned to the front of the classroom and resumed teaching.

The president is visiting a school
The president was doing a tour of the nation campaigning and one day he stopped at a school to give a presentation to the kids. After finishing the presentation, he took questions from the kids. One little girl raised he hand and asked, "What is a tradgedy?"
"That's a very good question." The president said. "Can anybody answer it.
Another little girl raised her hand. "If a group of kids were clmbing down a cliff, and their ropes broke, and they fell and died, that would be a tradgedy."
"No," replied the president, "that would be a horrible accident. Would anyone else like to guess what a tradgedy is?"
A boy in the back of the room raised his hand. "If a bus full of students slipped on a banana peel and fell off a cliff, that would be a tradgedy."
"No," replied the president, "that would be a great loss. Does anyone else have a guess."
An older boy raised his hand. "Mr. President," he said, "if you were flying and your plane crashed and you died, that would be a tradgedy."
"Yes," said the president. "Can you tell me why that would be a tradgedy?"
"Because," said the boy, "it wouldn't be a great loss, and it sure as hell wouldn't be an accident."

The blond with the ten kids
A blond runs into an old friend from high school, and they start catching up since they have not seen each other for many years. Eventually, the blond tells her friend about her ten, all-male children. She proudly says: "I called every one of them 'John' ". Her friend is puzzled, and asks: "Isn't that a bit confusing, all of them having the same name?" "Oh not at all" the blond answers, "It is very convenient. If I want the dishes done, I just call out 'JOHN!' and then at least three or four show up." "But what about when you need one specific child?" her friend persists. The blonde: "Then I just use his last name!"

"What do you dream of doing, kids?" Asked the teacher...
Jimmy: "I want to be a pilot"

Amber: "I want to be a teacher"

Stacy: "I want to be a good mother"

James: "I want to help Stacy to be a mother"

Boy and girl in class asked the teacher a question.

"Can kids of our age have kids?"

Teacher replied " NO Never!!"

Boy said to girl :

"See I told you not to worry!!!!"

Technology has ruined our kids
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make? "
"It goes moo. "
"Alice, what noise does a cat make? "
"It goes meow. "
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make? "
"It goes baaa. "
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make? "
"Errr.., it goes.. click! "

Russian joke.
A kid homes home all excited and tells his mom that their teacher was carrying a gallon of super glue, dropped it, slipped and glued herself to the floor.

"Omg" says mom, " did you guys get her off"

"Yea" says the kid, the brave kids did it twice

In a classroom
The teacher is talking to little girls about Johnny's awful language 'Remember girls, when Johnny starts swearing just go out of our classroom.' Johnny came in and sat down. The teacher asked what are the buildings under construction in town. Kids say many things but then Little Johnny says 'They are building a whorehouse nearby'. And so every girl got up and started heading for the door. Then Johnny shouted 'Wait up whores, it will be done in a month, what's the rush'

Lifesavers
A elementary school teacher is teaching her students about the 5 senses. For taste, she gives them each lifesavers. The kids guess what flavor they are. They go through cherry, grape, and apple. The last one the teacher gives out is honey flavored. None of the kids can guess the flavor. Trying to give them a hint, the teacher says "it's something your mother probably calls your father". suddenly a little girl spits out her lifesaver and calls out "EWWWW THEY'RE ASSHOLES"

Timmy brings his cat to school
The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"

my pre school guitar teacher...
got in trouble for fingering A minor, but he wasn't as bad as bad as my pre school violin teacher...he fiddled with kids... but both were not nearly as bad as my pre school piano teacher....who raped me in the mouth

Little Johnny's Classic Summer Story
On the first day of school, the teacher goes around the class asking the kids what they did that summer.

Teacher: "Johnny, what did you do?"

Johnny: "Well my dad got in a car accident, and a piece of metal went right up his ass!"

Teacher: "Johnny! We don't use that word in here, we say 'rectum.'"

Johnny: "Wrecked 'im? Damn near killed 'im!"

A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest are in an airplane with 2 kids...
Suddenly both engines go out, and the passengers frantically begin searching for parachutes, of which they can only find two.

"Save the children," cries the teacher!
"FUCK the children," growls the lawyer!
"Do we have time...?" whispers the priest.

Little Johnny's dad
Little Johnny's teacher asks every kid in the class to share what their dads to for a living.

"My dad's a fireman."

"My dad's a policeman."

Soon, all the kids except little Johnny had shared. The teacher asks:

"Little Johnny, what does your father do?"

"Nothing, he's dead."

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?"

"He shit his pants and turned blue."

The teacher asks his class which is larger an atom or a cell...
...None of the kids raise their hands finally Johnny raises his hand. The teacher calls on him and Johnny answers correctly saying that a cell is larger. When asked to explain he replys that his dad could only fit his penis into Adam but he now lives in a cell.

(Not very good, I just thought of it in science when asked the same question.)

A teacher is giving a lesson on taste
So she hands out Lifesavers to all of the kids and asks them to identify the different flavors. They're guessing the flavors - red is cherry, green is lime, etc.

They named every flavor except for honey. None of the kids could figure it out, so the teacher decides to give them a hint: "It is something that your mother would call your father."

A little girl spits out her lifesaver - "Oh gross - it's asshole flavored!!!"

One day little Johnny asked his teacher
"

So you know how most stores have 'you break it you buy it' rule?
The teacher responded "Yes why?"
Johnny said "Well do you think if you were to be looking at babies to adopt and dropped one that the orphange would make you buy it?"

Little Johnny: "I've piss may I go out?"
Teacher : "Piss is an impolite word instead you say I've number 1."
Jimmy: "May I go out? I want to shit."
Teacher: "Shit is also a bad word it is better to use number 2 instead."
Ronald: "There is a wind in my belly give me please a number for it."

A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, "Where have you been?"
The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill."
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, "Where have you been?"
The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill."
Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, "Where have you been?
Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill." and the girl says, "No, I am blueberry hill."

Teacher: "Who can tell me 5 wild animals?"
Little Johnny: "2 lions & 3 wolves."

Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you?
Kid: Homework!

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school.

Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Kids are the best..
Teacher: Quvenzhané, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

Quvenzhané: I is...

Teacher: No, Quvenzhané...... always say, 'I am.'

Quvenzhané: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'

A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.

He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, "Im getting a brother."
One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother.
He replyed, "I think mommy ate him."

A teacher was asking his pupils to tell the name of body organs.

When he asked the name of buttocks when pointing the picture of it, one of the pupils answered: "Its name is trouble".
When the teacher asked the boy about the reason, the boy replied: "I myself saw my father last night rubbing my mother's ass saying 'what a trouble it is.'"

How to put 7 holes in 1 hole?
Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.

Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers. They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.

"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero."

"This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole."

"Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children.

The next day, Little Johnny stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson, my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole.

"Hmmmm," he thought, "How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?"

"Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"

Teacher: What happened in 1869?
Student: Mahatma Gandhi was born.

Teacher: What happened in 1873?
Student: Gandhi was four years old

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’”
A small voice from the back of the room rang out,
“And there’s the teacher; she’s still old, nasty, and wrinkled”

A kid walks up to his teacher and says "

When is lunch."
The teacher said "When its my break."
"Your break for what? the kid asks.
"My break up" the teacher said.

Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence.
Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green."
The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall."
The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors."
From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?"
The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly."
Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely shit my pants!"

Sex Education
A teacher was asked to explain the art of sex as subtly as possible to his class.. He goes: So kids, there are four ways of having sex-
1.This in this
2.This in that
3.That in this
4.That in that

Larry the Fighter Pilot
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's whore"

How to keep kids from acting up in class
A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

Names
There are 3 new kids in school today, all of them sisters, they walk in and the teacher decides to talk to them
Teacher: Hello, whats your name?
Child 1: Rose

Teacher: Thats a nice name, why are you called Rose?

Rose: Because when I was in my mommys tummy, a Rose fell on her

Teacher: Aw thats so sweet, whats your name?
Child 2: Tulip

Teacher: Thats a lovely name, why are named Tulip?

Tulip: because when I was in my Mommys tummy, a Tulip fell on her

Teacher: Thats so adorable!
What about you -points at Child 3- whats your name?

Child 3: My name is **Brick**

It's contagious
A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling
them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can
use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands.

"Carl," she says.

Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause
they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious."

The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the
class. "Yes, Johnny?"

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little
model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and
down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that
cunt ages to finish that fence.'"

there was a kindergarten teacher who had three students
teacher: alright kids, ill give you each one letter from the alphabet and youll give me a word that starts with that letter. student one, your letter is A
student one: apple!
teacher: good job. student two, your letter is B
student two: Banana!
teacher: awesome!
then the teacher starts to think.. student three comes from a very vulgar family.. if i say F he can say fuck... oh, i know.. what can he possibly say with R?
teacher: student three, your letter is R
student three: oh! i know.. a rat... a fucking huge rat!

It's Fathers Day At Kindergarten And All the Kids Are Supposed To Make Cards... (Fixed)
...by drawing a picture of their father at work.
Teacher asks, "Logan, what does your father do?"
"My dad's a cop. I'm gonna draw him catching a bad guy."
Then the teacher asks, "Briei, what does your father do?"
Briei says, "My dad's a writer. I'm going to draw him with his new book."
Teacher gets to Little Johnny. "And what does your father do, Johnny?" The teacher looks at the card and is surprised to see it's a picture of a man stripping at a gay bar! Knowing better the teacher asks why he lied Little Johnny says, "My dad's the quarterback for The Vikings but i'm too embarrassed to tell that..."

The teacher faints.

Kids from around the globe were asked to write an essay...
and the teacher asked, "Please write in your own opinion about the insufficient amount of food in other countries."

But none of the could write it.

The kid from South America didn't know what 'please' was.

The Asian kid didn't know what 'your own opinion' was.

The European kid didn't know what the word 'insufficient' meant.

The Kid from Africa didn't know what 'food' was.

And the kid from North America had absolutely no clue what the heck were 'other countries'.

Talking like a adult.
On the first day of grade one the teacher announced "you are not ore schoolers any more, so you must talk like an adult" the kids nodded there heads in agreement. The day went on and each kid was asked to say what they did during the summer. Tammy went first and said " I went on a cho-cho ride" the teacher corrected "you a train ride". Jerome said "me and nanny went to the park" the teacher corrected "you and your grandmother". Then Isaac thought long and hard "well... I read a book" issac said. "What book?" Said the teacher. Issac stumbled "uh... Winnie the...."

Career day
A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living. Mary raises her hand first and says, "My dad's a lawyer for the government. He puts the bad guys in jail." Jack puts his hand up next and says, "My dad's a doctor. He makes sick people better." Eventually, all the kids take their turn except Jim. The teacher asks him, "What does your dad do?" Jim replies, "My dad's dead." The teacher is taken aback. "I'm sorry to hear that, Jim. What did he do before he died?" Jim looked up and said, "He turned blue and shit on the living room carpet."

No, I'm Your sons math teacher.
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde who waves at him and says hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he asks, "do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father to one of my kids" Now he thinks back to the only time he was ever unfaithful to his wife and says, "Oh my god, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that i laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped me with wet celery and then stuck a carrot in my butt?" she replies, "No, i'm your son's Math teacher.

there were two kids in a sunday school...
there were two kids in a sunday school named adam and mary, adam was sitting directly behind mary and everytime mary raised her hand to answer a question, adam found it amusing to poke her in the back with his pencil.
"todays lesson we will be answering three questions and then you may leave" said the teacher. "first, heres an easy one. who did the virgin mary give birth to?" adam poked mary in the back with the pencil and she replied a little agrivated
"ahh! jesus!" the teacher was pleased with mary and asked the second question
"who is the ruler of everything?" again adam poked mary with his pencil and again she replied agrivatedly
"ahh! god!" the teacher obviously pleased with mary decided to ask a very hard question
"what did eve say to adam after they gave birth to their 100th child?" again adam pokes mary in the back with his pencil and she angrily turns around and snaps
"adam, if you stick that in me one more time, im gunna break it in half!!"

A kindergarden class is having a tasting activity.

A kindergarden class is having a tasting activity.

The teacher blindfolds all of the kids and tells them she is going to give them something to taste and they have to try and guess what it is.

She hands each of them a cup of grape juice and they all agree that it tastes like grape.

Next, she hands them a cup of whipped cream, and again, they all guess correctly.

For the last one, she hands them a cup of honey and says,"ok kids, this one is little harder, so ill give you a hint. It's something your mommy sometimes calls your daddy!"

They ponder the flavor in their mouth for a bit when suddenly one kid screams, "SPIT IT OUT, IT'S AN ASSHOLE!"

When teacher entered the class little Jonny slowly said: "

Sir excuse me; your zipper is open."
So the teacher thanked him and fastened his zipper.
He went near little Jonny and told him: "My dear it would better to say: the office door is open."
Next day when the teacher entered the class, unfortunately, his zipper was again open!
Little Jonny loudly shouted: "Not only the office door is open but also the teacher is at the door and two small students are beside him."

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.

Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I’m in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But George," she said gently, "don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child."
"Oh, don’t worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I’ll use a rubber."

Billy was excited about his first day at school.

So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can’t find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.
Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and went on his way.
A short while later he returned to the class room and said to the teacher "I still can’t find it."
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who had been at the school for awhile, to help Billy find the bathroom.
So Tommy and Billy left the classroom together and five minutes later they both return and sat down at their seats.
The teacher asked Tommy "Well, did you find it?"
Tommy was quick with his reply. "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

There's this black kid that goes to school and realizes teachers treat him differently than the white kids.
So, he goes home, paints himself white and shows his dad.
His dad beats the crud outta him.
He shows his mother, "Hey Ma, Look! I'm white!"
He gets beat by his mom too.
Lastly, he shows his Grandmother, "Grandma, Look! I'm white!
She beats him badly with her cane and sends him to his room.
Later, his dad comes into his room and asks, "Son, did you learn anything out of this?"
And the boy replies, "Duh! I've only been white for an hour and I already hate three niggers!"

A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian.

She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too.
Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air.
There's just one girl who doesn't raise her hand.
So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
The girl says, "Because I'm not a Christian."
The teacher asks, "So what are you then? "
The girl replies, "I'm an atheist."
The teacher's a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks the girl why she's an atheist.
The girl says, "It's just that my family isn't religious. My Mom's atheist, and my Dad's atheist, so I'm atheist."rnrnThe teacher is now angry. "
That's no reason." she says loudly.
"What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
"Then," says the girl, "I'd be a born-again Christian."

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

A teacher asks her kids in class....
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home?
1st kid says, "A computer."
Teacher replies "That'd be very useful"
2nd kid says "A new lawn mower."
Teacher replies with a similar response...
Little Johnny pops up and says, "At my house we don"t need anything."
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something...
Little Johnny replies, "Nope, i'm sure of it. Whenever my sister started going out with a NIGGER, i remember my dad saying, "Well, thats the last f*cking thing we need."

Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn't have a problem with it.

So one day in Sunday school, Mary thinks, "The hell with it," and decides to go to sleep.
The teacher sees this and asks Mary a question to keep her awake.
"Mary, who created the heavens and the earth?"
William, who is sitting behind Mary, pokes her in the butt with his pencil. Mary wakes up and shouts, "God almighty!"
And the teacher says, "Yes. That's correct, Mary."
Mary goes back to sleep and the teacher asks her another question.
"Who died on the cross for our sins?"
William pokes Mary again. She wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Christ!"
Once again, she goes back to sleep.
This time the teacher asks, "Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
William pokes her again.
Mary wakes up and shouts, "If you don't stop poking me with that thing, I'm gonna break it off!"

The kids in school are asked to say nouns that represent things that can be eaten..
"Apple", says a child. "Very good !", the teacher agrees. "Bread !" says another. the teacher agrees again. "Lamp !", says a kid from the back of the class. Puzzled, the teacher asks him how are lamps edible, so the boy explains. "Yesterday, as i was passing by my parrents' bedroom, i overheard my dad say to my mom: Turn off that lamp and just put in your mouth !"

What did Pink Floyd say to Jerry Sandusky?
Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone!

Little Billy
One day, a teacher asks the kids in her class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Billy: "I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200-foot yacht, an Infinite Visa Card, and I want to make love to her three times a day."

The teacher, shocked with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson . . . "

And you, Nancy?"

"I wanna be Little Billy's bitch!"

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside

What is height of Laziness?
Adopting a child.

One day little Johnny asked his teacher
"

So you know how most stores have 'you break it you buy it' rule?
The teacher responded "Yes why?"
Johnny said "Well do you think if you were to be looking at babies to adopt and dropped one that the orphange would make you buy it?"

Nurse: "If youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half."
Me: [visibly confused]
Wife: "The grapes, not the baby."

There is three kids sitting at the lunch table one day.

One kid ask what do you call a mixed baby?
One replies a zebra,another replies a mistake and the third one replies.
Rape

Our baby was born last week.
When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.

My wife is so negative.
I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Kid to her mother: "If you hurt me I'll make you pregnant by a needle."
Mother: "How? My sweet it isn't possible."
Kid: "I'll insert the needle to daddy's condom!"

A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.

He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, "Im getting a brother."
One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother.
He replyed, "I think mommy ate him."

A little kid runs to his mom...
A little kid runs to his mom and says, "Mom! Mom! At school they call me Big Teeth!"

The mom says "Oh, baby, don't listen to those kids. They're just lying. Now, can you please lift your head up? You're scratching the floor"

Good and bad news.
So there was a couple who had 3 kids. All three were horribly disfigured, but the couple decided to give it one last shot at a healthy baby. So, 9 months later, the husband is sitting in the waiting room waiting to hear the news. Soon, the doctor comes out with the baby wrapped in a blanket.

The husband says, "So how is he?"

The doctor says, "Well, I've got some good news and bad news"

"Oh god, tell me the good news first!"

So the doctor pulled back the blanket and the husband saw that his child was just one big eyeball.

The husband cries, "Oh god this is horrible! What could possibly be the bad news?!"

The doctor replies, "He's blind!!"

A conversation among my Children's Church a while back.

A little girl announced proudly to our class one day, "My mommy has a baby in her belly!"
The little boy next to her was mortified! "Why did your mommy eat a baby!"

How should you treat a baby goat?
Like a kid.

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby.

The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.”
A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.”
The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”

"Jeff, my child, your mother had to stay in the hospital for a few days, cause the stork that brought your baby brother bite her by accident."
"Oh, gosh! What a terrible thing to happen to her after such a difficult birth!"

Little girl: "Why does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'"
Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken."
Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?"
Mother: "Because we need the eggs."

Mum has told her little girl all about the making of babies.

Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mum asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"

In response to all the tasteless jokes, here are some you can tell your kids.
A man and a boy go for a walk in the forest. As they go deeper and deeper, the little boy notices that its getting dark. So he asks, "How much farther? I'm getting scared." The man replies, "Hey, at least you aren't the one who has to walk out of here alone.

......

"What is the difference between a cheeseburger and a dead baby? You don't fuck a cheeseburger before you eat it.

......

A man sees a little girl sitting on a park bench crying. He says, "What's the matter?" She says, "Some kids made fun of me at school, so I went home crying, when I got home, I found my dad holding a gun. He killed my mum and another man who was in her bed, naked. Then my dad said he wasn't really my dad and he didn't want me, so he drove me to the park and the left me here..." The man unbuckles his belt, undoes his pants and says, "I'm sorry little girl, but this really isn't your day..."

......

How does a priest make an 8 year old cry twice? Wipes his bloody cock on little boy's favorite teddy bear.

"Yes brother," says Paddy.
"Well I'm going on a business trip soon and if she gives birth while I'm away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids," says Mick.
"It'll be an honour to do that for you Mick," says Paddy.
A month later Paddy calls Mick.
"Hello Mick, your wife's given birth to a boy and a girl, their beautiful," says Paddy.
"That's wonderful Paddy, what did you call them?" says Mick.
"I called the girl Deniece," says Paddy.
"And what did you call the boy?"
"I called the boy De nephew."

Suzy asked her big sister Samantha how babies are made.

Samantha explains it to her.
"I still don't get it? Can you show me."
Suzy says.
"OK. Tonight, I will let you watch will my boyfriend, Jack and I screw."
That night, Jack laid Samantha 5 times but Suzy still didn't understand.
The next night Jack was tired of Suzy watching so he offered to have sex with her.
"OK but I don't want Samantha to watch"
So Samantha went outside.
They are in there for almost an hour and when they come out Jack is smiling like crazy.
"That was fun but I still don't get it."
Says Suzy
The next day the same thing happened.
And the next day.
Finally 2 weeks later Samantha comes home crying.
"Whats wrong," Suzy says.
"Jack dumped me. He said there was someone better."
Said Samantha.
"Let's go talk to him maybe we can change his mind," said Suzy.
When they got there Jack said he made up his mind and there was nothing they could do to change it.
Then he asked to speak to Suzy privately.
He pulled off all of Suzy's clothes and started to screw her.
"OK," Jack said kissing Suzy's neck "I broke up with Samantha now tell me how you got to be so good in bed."
"Fine." She replied, "I asked all my other sisters how babies are made."

A woman starts dating a doctor.
Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says.
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth.
One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I am your mother, the archbishop is your father."