Kids Jokes

What are some Kids jokes?

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

You're coming home now! she screamed.

No, I'm not, I laughed.

She said, I'm talking to the kids.

I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment

So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead

'90s kids won't get this

Social security

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?

"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!"

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were:

"I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you MedellΓ­n kids"

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn't stand a chance…

I help blind kids

Verb, not adjective

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids.

But when I came back home, they were still there.

I asked my maths teacher, "Will we ever use any of this algebra?"

She said, "You won't, but some of the smart kids might."

After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids

We think the doctor would do a way better job than us

Hey girl are you a school?

Because I want to shoot kids inside you.

Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other.

A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids.

One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore..

It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.

Just been challenged to a water fight by next doors brat kids...

Popped on here to check messages while the kettle boils.

Only 1300's kids will get this..

The Black Plague

Prisoner: I'm sorry I tried to escape.

Guard: I'm not mad, just........disappointed.

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

90's kids won't get this πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Affordable housing prices

Two kids were talking...

Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin

Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!

Kid 1: Lies!

Kid 2: Ask your sister.

Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!

Kid 2: You will in about nine months!

If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

In high school some kids told me they'd give me $20 to hang out with them.

Turns out it was just clique bait.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all

*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*

Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

1984 is a great work of literature.

I think all kids should be forced to read it.

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes

"Let's eat punctuation"

Only 2010's kids will get this...

Measles

Sex Ed in 2015

Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one "D" away from 'Netflix and Child.'

No matter how kind you are...

No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch.

They got really upset and started to cry.

Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway..

Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.

I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.

The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

Kids are like farts...

I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.

Me and my wife, we have decided that we don't want kids.

They are not gonna like it.

What's the difference between Roy Moore and an Anti-Vaxxer?

The Anti-vaxxer is against sticking it in kids

I introduced my girlfriend to my family today.

My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Peter is different

A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".

Maybe the Pope just wants to finally get married.

Or settle down with a couple of kids.

My brother and I laugh at how Competitive we were as kids.

But I laugh more.

All these people are so quick to criticize Melania Trump for wanting to take on cyber bullying when that's something her husband has a problem with

But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read

Two kids were wondering if God is black or white..

So they prayed and asked him. A booming voice from the heavens answered "I am what I am." One kid said, "Well, I guess he's white." The other said, "How can you tell?" "Well, if he was black, he would've answered, 'I is what I is.'"

I got my family banned from playing Family Feud today.

The category was "Describe your sex life with a Spongebob quote"

and apparently "ARE YOU READY KIDS?" was not the right answer.

My wife and I decided to not have kids

the kids took it pretty hard

How to make Kids jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Kids to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Kids? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Kids pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes