Kids In Hospital Jokes
43 kids in hospital jokes and hilarious kids in hospital puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about kids in hospital that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Kids In Hospital Short Jokes
Short kids in hospital jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The kids in hospital humour may include short kids knock jokes also.
- My dad had a vasectomy because he didn't want kids anymore But when he got home from the hospital we were still there
- Fear of hospitals Fear of hospitals isn't irrational. I went to 1 once for stomach pain and I had a kid following me ever since calling me mom!
- A wife brings her ill husband to the hospital After a while the doctor comes out to see her and says "I don't like the looks of him"
The wife responds "Neither do I, but he's good to the kids" - A kid is dying at a hospital and wanta to meet eminem. The nurse then says
"He's pretty busy but you are going to meet Tupac real soon." - So, the make a wish foundation arrives at a hospital room They talk to the child laying there,
are you ready for the surprise of a lifetime
The kid in a raspy voice replies, So a short one? - Using a pencil to vote in the 2015 General Election... As safe an option as letting Jimmy Saville volunteer in a Kids Hospital.
- I was thrown out of the hospital for improper conduct with children Apparently dressing up like the grim reaper and pointing at anti-vaxxer's kids isn't okay.
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Kids In Hospital One Liners
Which kids in hospital one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with kids in hospital? I can suggest the ones about children in need and sick kid.
- "Where did you born?"
"At the hospital!"
"Don’t tell me! And what were you in for?"
Witty Kids In Hospital Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about kids in hospital you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kids santa jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make kids in hospital pranks.
A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's emergency room on the other end.
"Sir," explains the doctor, "Your wife was in a serious car accident. I have bad news and good news."
The man, taken back, asks hesitatntly, "What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life."
"Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?"
The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
"Jeff, my child, your mother had to stay in the hospital for a few days, cause the stork that brought your baby brother bite her by accident."
"Oh, gosh! What a terrible thing to happen to her after such a difficult birth!"
"Jeff, my child, your mother had to stay in the hospital for a few days, cause the stork that brought your baby brother bite her by accident."
"Oh, gosh! What a terrible thing to happen to her after such a difficult birth!"
A woman starts dating a doctor.
Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says.
So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth.
One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I am your mother, the archbishop is your father."
My town has a large epilepsy hospital
Today, I wanted to do something nice for the kids: they're always so sad about not being able to do normal things. It was a $1200 investment for all of them total, but...
Who's ready for laser tag!?
Presurgery discussions
Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the Operating Room.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up
they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze.'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
And the second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy!
I had that done when I was BORN ... Couldn't walk for a year.
Two little kids are in a hospital...
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
An old dirty Russian joke
(Russian relative told me this one.)
A kid is in a mental hospital, and his mom comes to visit. She sees him sitting near a broken chair, crying.
"Mom, Ivan keeps throwing his stool at me!"
"Well, throw one back at him!"
"I can't," he sobs, "Mine's liquid."
A kid walks into his home room after being absent yesterday
The teacher says, "Why were you not here yesterday?" The kid says, "My father was in the hospital." The following week the teacher asked, "Is your father still in the hospital?" The kid laughs and then says, "Yes, my father's a doctor!"
A guy gets a call his wife is in labor...
He rushes off to the hospital, but gets stuck in traffic. By the time he gets to the hospital his wife has already had the baby. So he heads down to the nursery to see his new baby. He sees his child sleeping and a nurse walks up and ask, " is this your baby?" The nurse picks up the baby and holds the child up to the father and gently rocks him, the dad is in awe... she takes the baby and throws it against the wall. The dad freaks out and starts screaming and the nurse tells him to calm down...
" I was kidding, it was a still born."
A man is at the hospital..
....waiting for his son to be born. The doctor calls the man in. He enters the room and the doctor is holding the baby, doctor says "Sir, this is gonna seem odd but your baby can fly."
Before the man can say anything the Doctor drops the baby, and hits the floor, the mans jaw drops.
Doctor says "he was doing it a minute ago, let's try again" and throws the baby at the wall, again hitting it.
Man now in tears begs him to stop, doc says "one more try" and throws the baby out the window.
The man is now crying hysterically and yelling, doctor laughs and says "Relax, kid was dead when you walked in".
After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange
She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."
Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."
What Are You Here For?
Two kids are in hospital, in surgical gowns, sitting on their gurneys. What are you here for? asked the first child.
I'm here to get my tonsils removed, says the second child.
Don't worry, the first child says. I had my tonsils removed last year and you get all the ice cream you want!
The second child asks the first child, What are you're here for?
I'm here for a circumcision, says the first child.
Oh my God, says the second child. I had that done when I was born, I did not walk for a year!
A mother takes her crying baby to the hospital.....
The doctor gets out his little exam light and ends up pulling a Lima bean out of the kids left ear, a baby carrot out of one nostril, a Skittle and two peas out of the other nostril and a hunk of pear out of the kids' right ear.
The mom cringes as she watches all of this, then asks the doctor what's wrong with the kid.
The doctor shrugs a bit and says, "I'm not sure yet, but for one thing, he certainly isn't eating right."
You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl. Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital. This is stress.
In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn. You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father. This is a big stress already.
You require for a DNR analysis and they make it. Then the doctors tell you silently, that actually you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile. This is a stress, combined with a relief.
On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. That's what the real stress is.
My wife just had the best mothers day EVER. She had all three meals served to her in bed, people waited on her hand and foot, and she didn't do any cooking, cleaning, or taking care of the kids.
Of course, she's in the hospital :(
The 3 children
One day, a couple married and got 3 babies.
When they grew up, the first baby named Snowflake asked:
-Mommy, why is my name Snowflake?
-Because, sweetie, when me and your dad were exiting the hospital, a snowflake came and fell on your head!
Next day, the second child called Rain comes in:
-Mommy, why is my name Rain?
-Because, sweetie, when me and your dad were exiting the hospital, a droplet of rain fell on your head!
Next day, the third kid called [b]Closet[b] came:
-BLJAHFAHALHAHALAHAFNFAHA
(Joke translated from foreign language, might not be the funniest but hey)
A man gets a call that his wife was in a terrible accident....
He rushes off to the hospital, upon arriving he sees the doctor approaching him. The doctor says, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is she's going to make it, the bad news is, she's never gonna walk again, she'll need twenty-four hour care, and the insurance isn't going to cover it... upon hearing this the man is devastated, how will I pay for all this? The doctor replies, nah man I'm kidding, she's dead.
Dad joke while in labor and delivery
Wife is getting induced so we are currently at the hospital and while talking to the nurse she asked how many kids she had. To which she replied 3 as any seasoned Dad would do I decided to introduce a joke that had me cracking up in my head so I turn and look and say 3 kids with a frown that's an odd number. Made my day but was made to a tough crowd so came here for a better response.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor overhears two 8 year olds on hospital beds next to each other
The first one leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kids says, "I'm here to get my tonsils removed, I'm a little scared."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about, I did that when I was 4. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice cream, and it's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you in here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid gasps, "Woah, good luck buddy, I had that done a long time ago..."
"**I couldn't walk for a year"**
Kids in a hospital
Two little kids are in the hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you in for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"
Two kids are hurrying to school on their bikes to get there for their maths exam.
They get into a car accident on the way and have to be rushed to hospital.
In hospital they're surrounded by friends and family, and their maths teacher keeps trying to get into the room and is repeatedly told off by the doctors.
Later that night the teacher sneaks in. Waking the kids up, he says
"finally, here's the exam papers that you both need to complete."
Suddenly the light comes on and an angry doctor says "I have told you so many times you are not allowed in here, what do you think you are doing?"
The maths teacher points to the exams - "just testing your patients."
Two kids are hurrying to school, both late for their maths exam.
They get into a car accident on the way and have to be rushed to hospital.
In hospital they're surrounded by friends and family, and their maths teacher keeps trying to get into the room and is repeatedly told off by the doctors.
Later that night the teacher sneaks in. Waking the kids up, he says:
"Finally, here's the exam papers that you both need to complete."
Suddenly the light comes on and an angry doctor says: "I have told you so many times you are not allowed in here, what do you think you are doing?"
The maths teacher points to the exams - "just testing your patients."
A man, who believes in avoiding doctors and hospitals at all cost, had to have emergency surgery for an inflamed appendix.
In pain, but still protesting the whole idea of an operation, he muttered,
"When God gave man an appendix, there must have been a reason for putting it there, am I right?"
"Oh there was," said the surgeon.
"God gave you that appendix so I could put my kids through university."
Offensive warning
An English man, a Welsh man and a Pakistani man are waiting at a hospital as their wives had just given birth. A midwife comes in and explains that the name tags have been messed up and they will have to work out which baby belongs to who. The English man, by right, goes first and chooses what is clearly the Pakistani child. When the baby's father points this out to him, he says I know, but there's a Welsh kid in there and I'm not taking any chances
A couple of nurses are working in a children's hospital when all of a sudden a mysterious figure appears.
He is in doctor's clothing, but strangely he starts healing all the kids with just a few words and a touch of his fingers. As the man, in scrubs and sandals, disappears again the nurses look at each other in disbelief, one says: 'Wow, do you think that was Jesus?' To which the other replies: 'I think so... I almost did not recognize him in that outfit, he normally wears white robes.'
TL;DR: He was blessing in diguise.
Just Kidding
A man gets a call from the hospital telling him his wife has been hurt in an accident. He rushes to the hospital and is met by her doctor.
The doctor says I'm sorry, she's in really bad shape . Husband starts to tear up and asks how bad is it doctor? The doctor tells him that she's a paraplegic and there's little hope of recovery. Husband sits down and starts sobbing. The doctor puts his hand on the husband's shoulder and starts to describe how the wife will have to be fed, bathed, diaper changed etc for the rest of her life.
The husband is inconsolable now, he can barely breathe at this point. Finally the doctor smiles and says Nah, I'm just kidding, she died
The girlfriend ask her boyfriend.
What will happen if i pulled the plug when you are in the middle of your game.
The boyfriend replied.
I will treasure the time with you, deepen our relationship, so that one day we can get married. Have 1 or 2 kids in our happy family and grow old together. And when we are too old, we will stay in the same hospital room side by side with our life support on. I will walk over to your bed and tell you this "Remember that time when you pull the plug in the middle of my game? Now is my turn."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the hospital to visit my friend who had an accident.
While waiting in the waiting room, I felt hungry so bought some juice and 2 burgers from the cafeteria.
I was about to eat, when I saw a kid sitting on the chair beside me looking at me. I asked him if he was hungry. He nodded. So I gave him one of my burgers.
After a few minutes, his mother came and saw him finishing the burger.
She got real angry and started shouting.
"Who is the s**... person who gave him this burger. I drove 20 miles to get him tested on an empty stomach."
I
JUST
RAN.
Three kids ask their mom about their unusual names.
The first kid asks, Why am I named Kitchen Table? His mom says, Well sweetie, when you were born the car was out of gas and we couldn't get to the hospital, so you were born on the kitchen table.
The second kid asks, Why am I named Backseat? Her mom says, Well honey, when *you* were born, we got stuck in traffic on the way to the hospital, and you were born in the backseat of the car.
The third kid says, That's neat. But mom, why am I the only one with a normal name?
His mom just says, I wouldn't worry about it too much, John.
A dying kid makes a wish to meet Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne sits at the side of the hospital bed and asks the kid if he was a fan of wrestling.
The kid says yeah, and that he knows his only weakness.
Dwayne looks puzzled, and asks what it is.
"Come closer" says the kid.
Dwayne leans in, and the kid shows him his open palm. Dwayne looks confused, and the next second the kid slaps him full power across the face.
"Paper beats rock."
2 kids in a hospital outside the operating room.
1st kid asks "What are you in here for?"
2nd kid says "Getting my tonsils out, I'm a little nervous."
1st kid says "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, when you wake up they give you Jelly & ice cream. It's a breeze."
2nd kid asks "What are you here for?"
1st kid says "Circumcision."
"Whoa!" the 2nd kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mom is driving to the grocery store with her kids
One of her kids say, Mom why did you name me Rose?
The mom says, When you were born and we walked out of the hospital with you a rose landed on your head so I named you Rose.
Another one of her kids ask, Mom why did you name me Leaf?
The mom says, When you were born and we walked out of the hospital with you a leaf landed on your head so I named you Leaf.
Her third kid says, Babsjvdidvosneibey
And she says, Shut up Brick!
workplace injury
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What a day at work!" the guy sighs. "I fell off a 20-foot ladder." "You're kidding!" the bartender exclaims. "Are you okay? Shouldn't you be at the hospital?" "Oh no, I'm fine," the guy says. "I was just on the first step."
