Kids Dog Jokes

104 kids dog jokes and hilarious kids dog puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about kids dog that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Kids Dog Short Jokes

Short kids dog jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The kids dog humour may include short cats dogs jokes also.

  1. My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador. It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind
  2. When I was a kid... ... our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and our whole family was crying. Poor onion. He was such a good dog.
  3. When your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog So someone in the house is happy to see you.
  4. Why is it that your dogs have to be vaccinated to go to the park and daycare, but your kids don't have to be? Because it's sad when a dog dies.
  5. A guy wants a dog A guy wants a dog. He goes to one of his relatives if he has an extra dog. The relative says yes.
    "Does he like kids?"said the guy
    "Yes he does, but you can just give him dog food"
  6. Restaurant for dogs Waiter: What can I get you, sir?
    Dog: I see you serve the book report. How is that prepared?
    Waiter: A kid stayed up all night working on it.
    Dog: Ooh! I'll have that.
  7. Anti Vaxx Dating a girl with an unvaccinated kid is like adopting an old dog. You feel like you're being a good person for accepting it, then you get attached and they die when they're 12.
  8. When I was a kid I used to name my dog, "Dad" Because he used to run away all the time
  9. When I was a kid, one day I walked in to the kitchen and saw my dad chopping onions and I started crying. Onions was a good dog.
  10. The neighbors called the cops because our dogs were chasing kids on bikes. Joke's on them, our dogs don't even own bikes.

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Kids Dog One Liners

Which kids dog one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with kids dog? I can suggest the ones about kids animal and small dog.

  1. Why are Chinese kids so good at math? Because their dog doesn't eat their homework
  2. As a kid I was made to walk the plank... We couldn't afford a dog
  3. My boss is so rich My boss is so rich he even bought a kid for his dog to play with.
  4. So I took my kid to the zoo the other day but all they had was a dog It was a Shih Tzu
  5. When I was a kid my parents use to make me walk the plank... we couldn't afford a dog
  6. I figured out how to discipline my kid without spanking Electric dog collar
  7. A man took his kid to the zoo but all it had was one dog. It was a Shih Tzu
  8. My kids wanted a dog for Christmas...
  9. Dog for sale Eats everything. Loves kids.
  10. A man takes his kids to the zoo, but the zoo only has 1 small dog on display.
  11. Chinese kids ate my dog! My parents said they gave him to youth in Asia.
  12. Why'd the kid cross the road? He was looking for his dog.
  13. Why did the cop shoot his kid in the dark? Because he thought it was the dog
  14. I wanted cats. My wife wanted kids. So we got a dog.
  15. What do you call a dog that harasses kids? A pit bully!

Hilarious Fun Kids Dog Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about kids dog you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dog sitting jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make kids dog pranks.

When I was younger I used to think having s**.

.. was kissing n**....
One day after showering my dog came in the restroom, so I kissed him on the head, after realizing what I did I ran downstairs, and told my mom that I had s**... with the dog, you can image her face after hearing this.
Yep I was a very dumb child.

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my dog.”
“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
“Oh, he died,” the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”
“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”
“Oh, what was it then?”
“I think it was the spin cycle.”

An Irish, a British, and American soldiers...

...had just helped each other escape from an Axis prisoner camp in WW2 Germany. As they run through the Bavarian forest, they hear alarms sounding, and soon afterwards, they hear dogs barking and guards yelling to each other.
The barking and yelling gets louder and louder, and the escapees realize that they'll be caught if they keep on running, and decide to take cover by climbing up separate trees.
The dogs start circling the tree, and jumping up and down around the trunk on the very tree the American has climbed. The guards shout "Come down or we'll shoot!" Thinking quickly, he quickly calls down "who! who!" The German guards say to each other "Das ist eine owl", and call the dogs off.
The dogs follow the trail to the second tree, and the guards call up "Come down or we'll shoot!" The Brit calls down "CAW! CAW!!!" The guards say "Ahh. Das ist eine crow".
The guards follow the dogs to the third tree where the Irishman had climbed. Again they called up "Come down or we'll shoot!" The Irishman thought for a moment and then called down "Moo! Moo!"
***NOT MINE: ** Shamelessly stolen from an Irish joke book I had as a kid. Yes, I am Irish.*

A pregnant woman got shot by a thief 3 times.

She went to the doctors, and they told her she could have a $45000 operation to get the bullets removed, or the triplets would pee it out when they were older. She was very poor, and decided against the operation.
7 years later, the first kid runs to her and says "Mommy, mommy, a bit of metal came out in my pee-pee last night. " So she says not to worry. Her second kid comes to her a few minutes later and says the same.
When the third kid comes, she says "Was there a bit of metal in your pee-pee last night?"
And the kid says: " No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog. "

Obama's $10,000 dog

Did you hear about the $10,000 dog the Obama's bought last week? They had to replace the current dog that lived at the white house because it was treeing the kids

A little boy walks into his local corner store...

He goes in with his weekly allowance from his parents, usually to get a candy bar or something. But this time, to the cashier's surprise he brings up a bottle of laundry detergent. "What do you need this for, kid?" asks the cashier. The young boy explains how his dog is filthy and needs a bath. The cashier explains to him, that it is a terrible idea and may even kill the dog. The kid listens to the advice, but proceeds and buys it anyways. A week or so later, the kid goes into the store and brings a candy bar up to the counter. The cashier rings him up and asks "Hey, so is your dog alright?" to which the little boy replies "no, he died". The cashier tells him, "I told you it was a bad idea to clean him with laundry detergent!" and the little boy replies, "I don't think it was the detergent that did it, I think it was the rinse cycle."

How come when I find a stray dog, take it home, and give it a bath everyone calls me a saint...

...but when I do it with a kid everyone just calls me a priest?

Jim and his s**... life...

A man named Jim has been married to his beautiful wife for 15 years. They have two wonderful kids, a dog and a nice home.
You see, Jim works really hard at his job, but lately his s**... life has suffered because of it.
Jim goes to his doctor to ask why he is so tired all the time.
Jim says to his doc "you know, I work 16 hour days and when I come home I just have no time to be intimate with my wife. I have no energy! What do I do!"
His doctor replies "Okay Jim I can see you're a little bit overweight so maybe you need some exercise to increase that stamina. Every day for 30 days I want you to walk a mile. I'll phone you after 30 days"
So Jim starts walking that day. He walks one mile every day, hoping this will help.
On the 30th day his doctor phones.
Doc: "Jim! Did you do what I told you?"
Jim: "Yeah I did doc."
Doc: "Well how's your s**... life? Did it improve?"
Jim: "I wouldn't know. I'm 30 miles from home!"
Told to me by my grandmother

When life starts

A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.

Catholic, Protestant and Jew debate

The Catholic argues that life begins at conception; the protestant claims that life begins at birth. The Jew states that life begins when the kids move out and the dog dies.

Spelling practice

It is spelling lesson. The teacher asks the kids to spell different words.
-Emma, can you spell 'dog'?
-D O G
-Correct! Jake, can you spell 'cat'?
-C A T
-Correct! Now, Ahmed, can you spell 'racial discrimination'?

Two kids are watching 2 dogs making love.

The female kid asks:
> How do the dogs know when they want to have s**...?
> The boy: I don't know... Maybe they smell it.
They sit and watch them a little more. And after a while the female kid asks:
>Do you have a runny nose?

The firefighters dog

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child concluded. "No silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"

Cops showed up at my house today and said my dog chased a kid on a bike

I said "b**..., my Dog doesn't have a Bike"

There once was a woman who had 100 children....

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety.
Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation.
One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

The dog from Air Bud is in a new movie helping deaf kids play sports.

It's called Ear Bud.

A man, his wife, his kid, and his dog all walk into a bar.


The cops came to my door to give me a ticket for a dog at large. They say he was chasing a kid on a bike.

I said, "that's not true, my dog can't ride a bike."

A kid asks for a dog for Christmas.

His mom says "No, we're eating a turkey like always."

The cops showed up earlier saying my dog was chasing some kid on a bike..

I was like that's ridiculous, my dog can't ride a bike


There was once a woman who had 100 children. She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

A sad day indeed

About a week ago I was walking my dog Fido through the park and a mentally disabled kid ran up to us. Immediately upon reaching my dog he started petting him. My dog is not a violent dog by any means but he was spooked and bit the kid. After this incident he ended up getting put down. It saddens me deeply but at least Fido is ok.

Old joke from when my dad was a kid

My dad told me that when he was a kid in Romania (late 1960's). The old people in the town told him that if you take meat and rub it against the school at night that dogs would come and eat the school and there would be no school the next day.

Hey kids! What's some dogs favorite movie?

"Bark to the Future"......, I say "some dogs" for legal reasons.

A Korean kid walks into class with no homework.

"Where is your homework, little Wu-Chan-Le?" asks the teacher.
"My dog ate it," he replied. "Then my dad ate the dog."

Dogs, Not Marriage or Kids, Motivate Millennials to Buy Homes

I don't know how they afford it though.
Dogs are expensive.

My wife and I recently adopted 2 children from china and I came home today to find them trying to cook my poodle.

Immediately I repeated what I said this morning.
"No kids! I said WALK the dog!"

Ex who lives in Florida

called and asked if she and her kids could come North and stay with me until the hurricane passes.
I said "Well, your dog can."

Took my Dog to Asia and a bunch of kids came out of no where and killed it.

The cause of death - youth in Asia.

Having a bad day?

Just remember that in the movie Air Bud , some kid got kicked off his school basketball team... and replaced by a dog.

My dog keeps chasing kids on bikes..

It's getting to the point where I might just take his bike away.

A mother and her son are sitting in an airplane.

The kid looks up and asks, "Mommy? If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
Mom thinks to herself that he is too young and she doesn't want to get into this so she tells the boy, "Go ask the flight attendant; maybe she can answer that for you."
So, he walks up and asks, "Ma'am, if big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?"
She had overheard the mother's attempt to pass this off and replies, "Tell your mom that I said it's because Southwest airlines always pulls out on time and have her explain that to you..."

A family is paying the bill at the restaurant...

Mother: "Can you pack the leftovers for our dog?"
Waiter: "Sure."
Kids: "Yay, mom's gonna buy us a dog."

I got a call from the pound

They wanted to tell me that they had picked up my dog because it was chasing a kid on a bike.
I said " That kid is a liar because not only does my dog not own a bike; he doesn't even know how to ride one yet!

There might be something to this idea that vaccinations cause autism. I don't have kids...

But my dog is nearly five and she's still not talking.

My kids were really excited when I took them to the zoo today, but upset to find it only had a dog

It was a shih tzu

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a s**... name for a dog anyway.

Boy do i have an act for you! A talking dog!

"a talking dog? This I gotta see! You have one minute, so make it good, kid!"
"Rex, what's on top of a building?"
"What? You kidding me? He just says woof, any dog can do that."
"How about this? Rex, who's the greatest baseball player ever?"
"That's it, kid, you're wasting my time, get that fleabag out of my office!"
As they walked out of the building Rex looked over to his master and said "Well, kid, that's show business."

A pastor walked outside.....

A pastor walked outside of the church because he heard the children being loud. He sees the kids all grouped up. "What are you doing?" The children make the circle wider to show a puppy they had found. "Its a beautiful dog, who will take it home?" The pastor asks. The children look at each other until one of them speaks up. "I know! Whoever tells the biggest lie can take it home! Would you like to play pastor?" The pastor shrugs his shoulders and says, "I don't know, it will be hard because I've never told a lie." The child picks the dog up and hands it to the pastor, "Here you go. You win."

Cop comes to my house and says...

Your dog was chasing a kid on a bike
I was really confused because my dog can't ride a bike..

Faithful dog for sale

Faithful dog for sale read the add, as such John called up the owner for details.
- Hey, I saw your offer for a good natured dog, I have a couple of questions.
- Shoot.
- He good with kids?
- Very. He's kind and gentle and has endless patience.
- yard dog or house dog?
- House trained but loves the yard as well.
- Cool. Last, is he really faithful?
- Oh yeah, very faithful. This is the fifth time I'm selling him.

As a kid growing up in the Vietnam I could always tell how well the economy was by what type of dog food my parents bought.

Chihuahua when it was bad, Black lab when it was good.

My neighbors complained that my dog was chasing their kid on his bicycle but that's impossible...

My dog doesn't even have a bicycle.

''Hey kid, do you know which dwarf planet used to be the ninth planet?''

''I's Goofy!''
''Isn't it named after a dog in Disney?''

My kids asked for a dog for Christmas.

We usually have turkey, but I'll try to make them happy.

Feeding the family

The kids asked for dog this Christmas. Normally we serve Lamb, but this time of year is all about the kids.

A Chinese kid asked his mom if he can have a dog for Christmas

His mom said no.
He gets turkey and stuffing like everyone else.

This is insane, schools don't even teach our kids that Pluto is planet anymore!

Seriously, how'd it turn from a planet into some freaking dog?!

The cops showed up saying my dogs were chasing kids on bikes again.

I guess I'm going to have to take their bicycles away.

Please give me an advice...

Our kid found a collar and a leash in our bedroom. how to explain to him that we are not buying him a dog?

A priest, scientist and rabbi are discussing when life begins.

The priest says the answer is obvious, it begins at conception as decreed by God.
The scientist says no it begins at birth as at that point it can live outside of it's mother.
The rabbi says you are both wrong. It starts when the dog dies and the kids move out.

Kids asking for a dog.

I'll walk it. I'll feed it and if it craps in the yard, I'll flick it over the fence onto the neighbours lawn.

Adolf h**... is walking around in a prisoner camp.

As he is passing through he see a kid who is giving his food rations to an injured dog.
h**... walks up to the kid and asks him, "Why are you giving your food to the dog? You know you wont get extra."
The boy replies, "The dog needed it more than me, sir."
h**... felt something he had never felt before.
AH : "What is your name kid?"
Boy : "My name is John, sir."
AH : "And how old are you, John?"
Boy : "I will be ten years old tomorrow, sir,"
AH : "Oh no! You won't."

What is the difference between kids in China and putting down a dog?

Nothing, they are both Euthanasia

I think it was probably a bad idea to put the kids' present in the piñata

The dog might get hit

The worst zoo I ever visited with my kids had only one animal on display and it was a dog!

It was a Shih Tzu

There was once a man who had 100 kids.

There was once a man who had 100 kids. He was not a creative man, so he named the kids after the number of their birth. One of his kids, 90, had a few kids when he grew older. One day, they found a dog on the road. They took him in, and named him This. This was a very good and well behaved dog. Dad, I'm going to go feed This. Hey dad, I'm taking This for a walk. One day, This went missing. The kids went out to search for him, when they saw him on the side of the road, with skid marks all over his body. Years later, the kids still remembered and missed This.
Moral of the story:
Only 90s kids will remember This.

My dog came bounding into the house this morning with the neighbour's rabbit hanging lifeless from it's jaws.

Panic set in and so I scrubbed it clean and got all the blood marks off until it was pure white again. I then sneaked into their garden and popped it back in its hutch.
That evening my neighbour knocked at my door and said "I can't believe it, flopsy is lying dead in its hutch and the kids are hysterical."
"Sorry to hear that" I replied nervously.
"The strange thing is" he said "we buried it a couple of days ago."

There was a man who wasn't creative

He named his kids numbers in the order they were born (the first child was 1, second child 2 and so on)
After he had 100 kids , a fire burned his house down leaving only one child. 90
90 grew up and had his own kids that weren't creative and when they saw a stray dog , they took him in and called him 'that'
One hot summer day 'that' was run over by a car
Ofc they replaced 'that' but they never forgot him
Only 90's kids remember that

Day 268 at home And the dog continues looking at me like See?? This is why I chew furniture.

I've eaten 9 meals and taken 4 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding me?
In case you've lost track, today is December 268...
This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day grazing for
food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. We get really excited about car rides.
My wife said if I don't get off the computer and help with the dishes, she'll slam my head on the keyboard. I think she's jokinoifghcxiegcrwlwefggxm
lkergx eyt3ruhcmergceg ewgucc ce;oeijf !!!

Going through the loft and found some Xmas presents from last year

A real shame about that dog for the kids...

A woman gets on to a bus, holding her unfortunately ugly baby.

The driver laughs and says "what an ugly kid!"
Fuming, the woman sits down and turns to the man next to her. "That driver was so rude to me. I should really give him a piece of my mind."
The man nods sympathetically. "You go tell him, I'll hold your dog."

This guy had a magic door

This guy had a magic door in his house. Whenever he wanted he could open the door and step into a magic world where he was the only human in. Since he was alone in this magic world he was like the king and he could do whatever he wanted to. There was no wife to throw chores at him, no kids nagging and fighting, no dog he needs to take on a walk - no one. He was alone to do as he pleases for as long as he wanted to until his legs get numb and he has to flush down the water and get back to reality.

jokes about kids dog