Kids Birthday Jokes
86 kids birthday jokes and hilarious kids birthday puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about kids birthday that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Kids Birthday Short Jokes
Short kids birthday jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The kids birthday humour may include short daughter birthday jokes also.
- I bought a trampoline for my son on his birthday but i guess he didn't like it he's just sitting in his wheelchair crying. kids these days are so ungrateful.
- Did you hear about that kid that got overwhelmed and burst into tears when his parents threw him a huge Thor themed 6th birthday party? He wanted something a little more Loki.
- My kids love The Hulk so I painted myself green for my son's birthday party. Man were they excited to meet Shrek.
- What did the kid with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves! Nah, just kidding. He hasn't unwrapped it yet.
- Did you hear about that rich kid who got a car for his birthday? He drove it into a tree to see how his Mercedes bends.
- I saw a little kid crying. He told me he lost the $200 he had saved for his mom's birthday gift. So I opened my wallet and gave him $40 Why not? Just five minutes earlier, I found ten $20 bills!
- I was asked to be an Elvis impersonator for a kid's birthday party. I showed up drunk, shot the TV, then died on the toilet.
- How can you tell which two year old birthday party is for the anti- vaxxer's kid? It's the one being held in the cemetery.
- How do parents in Africa celebrate their kid's first birthday? They bring flowers to his grave.
- My mom just posted in our family group: "It's our fat ones birthday today!" She is referring to our cat.
10 minutes later, I get a message from my dad: "Happy birthday kid."
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Kids Birthday One Liners
Which kids birthday one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with kids birthday? I can suggest the ones about birthday celebration and kids party.
- What did the fat kid get for his Birthday? Bullied
- What does a black kid get for his birthday? Your bike.
- What did the anti-vaccer's kid get for her 4th birthday? A coffin.
- What did the Mexican kid get for his birthday? My bike :(
- What do you get antivaxxer kids for their 3rd birthday? Tombstone
- What did the little nerdy kid get for his birthday? Bullied
- What did the kid with Down syndrome get on his birthday? An extra chromosome.
- What do you get an anti-vax kid for their 5th birthday? A whooping-coffin
- What do you call an anti-vaxxer's kid's 2nd birthday party? A mid-life crisis!
- What do kids' birthday parties and Fox News have in common? Kool-Aid
- Which came first? The birth, or parental disappointment?
- When you were born the doctor slapped your mama and said "oh goodie twins".
- What does a gay kid get for his birthday? Beats By Dad
- What did the autistic, quadriplegic kid get for his birthday? Cancer
- What did Adrian Peterson get his kid for their birthday? A (Nintendo) Switch!
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Kids Birthday Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about kids birthday you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean birthday party jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make kids birthday pranks.
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday.
My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday.
My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....
"I just had s**... in school today, dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have s**... before my 16th biurthday, my boyfriend will die."
"Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will."
A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice.
"What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.
"First I’d have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.
The woman took a deep breath. "He’s very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well…"
"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It’s YOUR child!"
A younboy gave his mum a big wrapped up birthday present on a Saturday.
She opened it up and it was a tea p**....
She said "What a wonderful tea port darling - thank you."
The boy said "That's good."
Mum said "However I already have a tea p**...."
The boy replied "No you haven't - I broke it."
First boy: "Are you having a party for your birthday?"
Second boy: "No, I'm having a witch do."
First boy: "What's a witch do?"
Second boy: "She flies around on a broomstick casting spells."
My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the c**... company…
It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's s**...?
A: Wait until it's born.
When you were born your mom said: "It's a treasure."
Dad said: "Ya let's bury."
Did you hear about the spy who trashed a kid's birthday party?
He was a good anti-caking agent
"Poor Kid"
A couple is due to have a child. The day finally comes and the wife has the child but it comes out with just a head. The couple are a little let down by it, but they are determined to give that head the best life it could live. They give it all its shots, feed it, and nurture it. The head comes up on its 21st birthday when the dad wants to take him out for a drink. They get to the bar and the father orders a couple beers. He helps the head down its first beer when it grows a neck. The father is shocked, so he orders another beer and gives it to the head and it grows some shoulders. The father keeps giving the head more and more beers until it grows a full body. The kid, so excited to have a complete body, is just running around dancing with wild drunken joy, and he runs out into the street only to get hit by a bus. The bartender says to the father "aw, poor kid; should have quit while he was a-head."
Careful what you wish for!
I don't think I ever got over
my grandmother's death when I was a kid.
My grandmother died from a heart attack
during my ninth birthday party.
Literally while she was eating cake.
And I guess that must have s**... me up a little bit.
I mean, I still have birthday parties.
But now I'm just careful what I wish for.
—Anthony Jeselnik
I got a divorce for my birthday.
When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.
We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.
I was sitting on the couch n**....
A great storm is brewing....
I was at my neice's pool party last Saturday. She got an inflatable dolphin for her birthday. We were all having a great time, when the wind started blowing a bit harder and some clouds rolled in. Over the next 10 minutes it just started getting windier and windier and the skies turned dark. In the distance we saw a flash of lightning and decided to get the kids inside.
As we were running towards the house, my niece dropped the dolphin toy and the wind got ahold of it and blew it across the yard. Fearing it would blow away and be lost forever, i frantically chased after it, but to no avail, it jumped the fence but came to rest in the neighbors rosebush. Some of the thorns had punctured the thin plastic and, upon examination, i saw air escaping through 3 small holes in the side.
"Well, I guess that deflates the porpoise."
p**... Clown
Inside of an Interrogation room
Investigator: Where were you on the 5th of March?
Clown: I was at a kids birthday party
Investigator: what were you doing at the party?
Clown: I was the Clown
Investigator: what were you doing as the clown?
Clown: Showing them my shoe size
Investigator: ...What do you mean?
Clown: I took them into the Closet
Investigator: Did you at least let them out?
Clown: Oh they definitely came out of the Closet when I was done
In my birthday suit
A mum comes home to find her teenage daughter n**... on the couch.
"Be decent dear; go put on something to cover your nakedness", says the mum.
"I'm not n**..., I'm in my birthday suit", says the daughter.
A few days later, the dad comes home to find his middle-aged wife n**... on the couch.
"Since when do you get n**... around the house; the kids could be coming back at any time", the husband shouts, surprised.
"I'm not n**..., I'm in my birthday suit", claims the wife.
"Next time, you should iron it before you put it on!"
Santa's Jokes
Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.
Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can h**...-h**...-h**....
Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.
Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.
Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.
Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.
Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!
Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.
Question: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Answer: Forty feet of track - all straight!
I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.
Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.
Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.
Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."
Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?
Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.
Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
Why I got divorced..........
Last wéek was my birthday.... My wife didnt wish me.... My parents forgot and so did my kids.... I went to work.... Even my colleagues didnt wish me.... As i entered my cabin my secretary said,"Happy Birthday Boss".... i felt so special.... She asked me out to lunch.... After lunch,she invited me to her apartment... WE went there.... She said,"Do you mind if i go into the bedroom for a minute ?" "OKAY",i said... She came out 5min later with a cake And My Wife, My Parents, My Kids ,My Friends & My Colleagues... All Screaming, SURPRISE.... And I was waiting on the sofa......in my birthday suit
A Priest and a Rabbi are at a little kid's birthday party
They see a little boy bend over to pick up a ball.
"Wow, I'd really like to screw that little boy", said the Priest.
The Rabbi looked puzzled and said "Screw him? Out of what?".
Mexican Magician
A Mexican magician was preforming for a large group of kids at a birthday party. He announced at the end of his act that he would now dissappear on the count of three. He grabbed his cape, counted "Uno! Dos!" and he disappeared without a tres.
Why did i get Divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parentsforgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said,"Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....
"Just a Head"
So there was once a child and he had a terrible, terrible birth defect where he was only a head. On his 21st Birthday, his father took him to bar to get his first drink and of course the bodiless kid was excited to get drunk for the first time. The father places his son on the bar and orders him a beer. The bartender obliges and the father feeds his son a beer. All of a sudden, A TORSO SPROUTS OUT OF HIS HEAD. The bartender, the father, and everyone in the bar is going crazy at this point. The bartender gives him another beer, ARMS sprout from the newly acquired torso! The bar is a mad house. One more beer and LEGS COME OUT OF THE TORSO! He's now dancing around using his new legs for the first time. Of course he's never used legs before, and he is a little tipsy so he accidentally stumbles outside and gets hit by a truck and dies.
The Bartender looks at the father and says, "He should have quit while he was a head."
Home Alone Joke
When I was a kid I was obsessed with the Home Alone movie. My parents decided to throw me a home alone themed birthday. Which was a really easy to pull off since all they had to do was leave...
Where would you find the emo kid at his birthday party?
Just *hanging* out by himself in the bedroom
So, there's a Mexican Magician
A Mexican Magician stands up on stage in front of a kids birthday party. He looks at the kids with a smile and says, "Okay kids, on the count of three, I'm gonna disappear." He holds up his fingers and starts counting "Uno, Dos..." and then he disappeared without a tres.
Poor parents always bring their kids to graveyard
on their birthday so they can blow some candles.
This week I got divorced.
last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....
My birthday was last week
My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday.
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!"
I felt so special.
She asked me out to lunch.
After lunch she invited me to her apartment.
When we got there, she asked, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"
"Okay," I replied.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, and all my colleagues as they yelled "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa.. n**....
Frank doesn't have arms, he gets a watch for his birthday..
Just kidding, he hasnt unwrapped the gift yet.
My sister turns 42 on Monday
Considering it's a weeknight and we have kids and all, I told her not to get her hopes up.
"As it is," I say, "we'll only celebrate it for less than a minute."
When she asked what the heck I was talking about, I reminded her: "This is your forty-second birthday."
waiting on the sofa... n**....
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... n**....
Facebook Birthdays.
Facebook birthdays don't remind me to say happy birthday. Instead, they remind me to systematically remove the kids from high school who I haven't talked to in five years.
My go-to response when someone says "tell me a joke"
What did the clown say to the birthday boy? I don't do jokes, kid.
A hundred year old woman from Texas was asked the secret to longevity.
On her birthday the local news came by and asked her the secret to long life. She said that every morning she takes a shot of whiskey and a spoonful of gunpowder with her breakfast. Her family agreed that every day for decades she had downed a spoonful of gunpowder. She died not long after this of natural causes. She left her house to her kids, her money to charity, and a fifty foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
What's the difference between a t**... training compound and a kids birthday party?
I don't know man, I'm just the drone pilot.
A Father goes to the toy store to buy a doll for his daughter
"It's my daughter's birthday and I want to buy her a barbie."
the toy salesman replies "well, you came to the right place. We have 'barbie goes to the beach' for 30 dollars, 'barbie super party funhouse' for 20 dollars, 'barbie learns to drive' that comes with a toy car and 'divorced barbie' for 100 dollars.
"why is divorced barbie so expensive" the father ponders aloud.
"because she comes with ken's house, car, and kids
A dad and a son walk into the bar the kids 21st birthday.
The son is only a head however. The dad places him on the bar and asks the bartender for 2 drinks. After the son finishes the first his torso magically appears. Astonished the dad asks for another round. The sons arms appear. Again and his legs appear until the son has all his limbs. The son is so estactic that he runs around the bar for the first time in his life until he falls and hits his head and dies. The bartender turns to the father and says he should've stopped while he was a head.
When does a regular joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. Except for the fact it decided to stop being one and mysteriously vanished one night, cleaned out our joint bank account, never calls, never showed up to court, never remembers the kids' birthdays, never made their little league games, refuses to pay child support, refuses to get a job to avoid wage garnishment, and yet somehow manages to go on vacations to Mexico with their f**... 20-year-old girlfriend Chastity. F**K YOU, ALAN!!!
You know what boy without hands got for a birthday?
Gloves.....nah just kidding, he didnt even unwrap the present yet.
It's my child birthday, and my child loves clowns. For his birthday party, I hired a clown.
Turns out, the kids don't find Alex Jones all that funny.
My kid just told us this joke during dinner..
Kid: Hmmmm.. not sure if this is sexist but.. how do you remember your wife's birthday?
By forgetting it once.
Why do kids get excited for Santa and not Jesus on his birthday?
Santa brings ipads, Jesus brings armageddon. Seems simple.
As a kid I got a dark brown Labrador puppy for my birthday..
It's a really sad story, we had to euthanize him..
I wanted a light brown one
How do anti-vaxxers celebrate their kid's sixth birthday?
They put flowers on their grave.
So a dad and his son go into a bar...
His son is literally only a head (doesn't need vital organs to live in this joke)
Sons birthday so the dad buys him a shot
Son takes shot and boom he becomes a full bodied functional man
Dad is so happy he says shots all around
The son takes another shot and dies
Dad is now crying hysterically
Bartender says
Kid should've stopped while he was ahead.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
The funniest but meanest thing I heard a parent say to his kid on her birthday.
Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.
I bought my nephew a pair of airpods for his birthday.
The kid was so ungrateful, he didn't even say thank you. He just started throwing up gang signs at me.
I think he's fallen into a bad crowd ever since he went deaf.
I just called a bouncy house place for my kids birthday party...
We got one larger than last year but the guy quoted us 50% higher cost.
I asked him whats up with the price.
He said, blame inflation.
