Kid Story Jokes

57 kid story jokes and hilarious kid story puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about kid story that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Kid Story Short Jokes

Short kid story jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The kid story humour may include short kids story jokes also.

  1. Don't adopt a puppy to see if you're ready for kids Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don't go anywhere.
  2. My brother broke down crying and told me about how he was abused by a priest when we were kids. It was a very touching story.
  3. My dad was such a proud union member his whole life … When I was a kid, he began every story with Once upon a time-and-a-half …
  4. Everyone thinks its cute when a kid wants to be a pirate But when a Somalian kid says he wants to be a pirate it's a different story
  5. Tonight my kids read the bible story about Lot's wife turning into a pillar of salt. I told them, "It's okay, I'm sure she's cured by now."
  6. Have you heard the news story about the kid that was arrested when they thought the clock he brought to school was a bomb? It's blowing up
  7. In my house my kids call me Sir Get me a drink Sir Vent.

    Might not be funny, but it's original..... And a true story.
  8. That kid didn't really find a lost Mayan city. The sites that promoted the story? I guess they'll issue a...
    Maya culpa.
  9. Do you think when Caitlyn Jenner tries to tell badass stories to her kids they see right through her? Because she's transparent?
    *ba dun tsk*
  10. My friend asked if I could help him write a bedtime story for his kids. I thought "what a novel idea".

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Kid Story One Liners

Which kid story one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with kid story? I can suggest the ones about children book and kid animal.

  1. Do you know the story of the twenty-kids dwarf ? It's a short one, but a good one.
  2. Coming up next, the love story of a New Zealander and a goat. Just kidding!

Ridiculous Kid Story Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter

What funny jokes about kid story you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kids animal jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make kid story pranks.

The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time.
The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.
Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever &

it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.

I went for a walk through Memory Lane today.

I found some boxes in my closet. In it were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw. There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital, and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.
Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's collecting hobby.
Every day since January 1st, 1949, he collected ties with funny designs and wore them to work. Some had cats, or snakes or airplanes. He had close to 100 by the time he died several years ago. I remember as a kid how much I loved them, he had stories of what happened to him while.he wore those ties. He had an awesome memory and was good at telling stories.
When he passed, he left them to me. I couldn't keep all 100, and I also gave some to my cousins, but I decided to keep the ties that were his absolute favorites: his chicken pattern ties.
One day, he wore his first chicken tie when he met my grandmother. From then, he collected more chicken ties to remind him of her. I wear them every now and again, as well.
Thanks for reading this. I like to talk about them, but all my friends act weird when I tell them about my granddad's Hen Tie collection.

Department Store Shopping

A department store in town opened a building, 6 stories high, each floor offering progressively improving quality husbands.
They offered a range of men for sale to women at their discretion.
A woman walked into the store head the banner above the first floor reading, "Nice Guy," impressed as she was, she moved to the second floor.
The second floor's banner read, "Nice guys that love kids." Dumb-founded as she was, she continued on to see what else this store had to offer.
The third floor offered, "Cute guys that loved kids and cuddles." The woman was definitely getting impressed but she was interested to see what else she could find.
The fourth floor of the department store read, "Hot guys, love kids and have money". The girl, in her element, couldn't help but go to the next floor.
The fifth floor read, "Hot guys, love kids, have money, have a nice house and love family." She couldnt help but look at the next floor, where the banner read, "This floor only proves that women can't be pleased, and there is no men for sale on this floor."
For the point of proving points, the same department opened a shop across the road for men, same amount of levels. The first floor read, "Loves s**...," and the 2nd floor read, "Pretty and loves s**...." Levels 3, 4, 5, and 6 were never visited.

Did you hear about the kid born without eyelids?

Yeah, apparently a baby boy was born without eyelids just last week! Obviously that was a problem and the child's sight wouldn't last long unless the doctors acted quick, so they decided to take a skin graft from the boy and use it to protect his eyes. The most logical solution for the quick thinking doctor was to use the child's f**..., since he would probably be circumcised anyways.
Those are about all the details I know from the story, but I guess the baby is doing ok. The doctor said he would be fine, and should keep his eyesight, he just might end up a little c**...-eyed.

A Sad Story

So there was this man in one corner of a bar. He was alone. He looked sad, and on his table was littered with glasses, cans of empty beer, and bottles of half dranked wine; tattle-tale signs of a problematic man, drinking heavily to forget his grief. Every now and then he would give out a very heavy sigh.
Seeing as this man needed someone to talk to, I then approached the man. We talked about his work, his kids, and other stuff; you know typical guy to guy chit-chat.
We had more drinks, the guy started to become more drunk.
He started crying and talked about his problems;the d**... in his work and how everyone hates him in the work place.Turns out he was big time. CEO of a well known oil company.
What I could not forget, was the conversation before he passed out from being too drunk.
"My wife made a millionaire out of me, " he said while sobbing like a baby.
I said, " But dude, isnt that like, a good thing? What were you before?"
"A multi-millionaire," then he passed out.

I had a customer tonight with allergies [true story]

Rude Customer: Can you just make sure there's no nuts in my food? I can't eat nuts.
Me: Sure! My sister Anna can't eat nuts either. You might know her?
Customer: Oh?
Me: Anna-phallactic?
Customer: Oh.
Me: Just kidding, I don't have a sister.
Customer: Oh?
Me: She died. She ate some nuts and died.

I was told as a kid..

..the ocean water was salty because of whale s**....
And I believed it for the longest time (true story).

Not a joke, just a story with a reminder to be careful when telling jokes...

I heard a joke a few weeks ago that went, "What do you do when an epileptic is having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."
I decided to repeat the joke in work today to a few of my customers (I work in a pub) and when I finished, o**... got really mad at me. He screamed that I shouldn't tell jokes like that because his brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.
I asked, "Did he drown?"
The guy was furious and said, "No, he choked on a sock!"

One day Junior brings his Grandfather to school to share his stories as a Franco-American fighter pilot during WW2

His stories are wonderfully delightful and told with a thick French accent, while gesturing wildly using his hands to describe the movement of the airplanes.
Zee fawkers fly like zees. Zen I fly like zees. Then zee fawkers fly back like zees, zen I pull up like zees. I shoots zee fawkers right out of the sky.
The teacher said, I'm sorry to interrupt, sir. I know you kids are giggling but I want to be clear that a Fokker is a type of aircraft.
The Ace said, certainmont, cherie. But zees fawkers were flying Mescherschmits.

Heart melting love story: Boy: My wife & 2 kids.

Heart melting love story:
Boy: I can't marry u.
My family is totally against it.
Girl: Who r they 2 stop u?
Boy: My wife & 2 kids.

I read a story of a 17 year old kid who stole a plane, crashed it, and survived

Why don't we just build the whole plane out of that kid?

Graduation unlike before

2 Asian kids graduated from High School. The school had never witnessed this phenomena, but both of them were #1 in their class. Long story short the parents couldn't be was a Nguyen, Nguyen for them.

I can't stand stories about parents leaving their kids in hot cars.

Really boils the blood

From an old Batman story

Batman: When you're in trouble, what can you always count on?
Mom: Your family?
Kid: Batman?
Batman: Your fingers

Dave worked at a circus school...

Normally, he teaches kids how to juggle or do cartwheels but it wasn't all that interesting.
One day, he decides to teach the kids something a bit more exciting so he brought in a cannon.
Long story short - he was fired.

I saw a story about parents selling their kids on Ebay...

This is completely nuts, who does that? That's a child. A living being that **you** made. That stuff goes on Etsy.

A story about an abandoned Buddhist school and the lost kids who live there...

Children of the Koan

A story of 6 year old kid.

Teacher : How old is your father?
Kid : He is 6 years old.
Teacher: What ? How is this possible ?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.

Teaching a kid about animals and asked her: "Which animal is the largest animal in the world?"

She replied: "You."
(True story, just happened minutes ago while tutoring a kid. *Cries*)

True story: when I was a kid I used to mix up lyrics. For example, after watching Mary Poppins, I sang "a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down." -My dad thought is was SO funny I mixed that line up.

Little did either of us know, I was predicting my future diabetes problems.

I wanted to name our kid Jonathan but my wife insisted we name him something funny

Long story short i now have a kid named Something Funny Smith

The Little Horse: An Inspirational Children's Story

[Parents, read this to your kids. I expect to see results. The last part is funnier with a long pause and not adding anything onto it, including context. I have no idea where I heard this one, but let me just say that while the concept is not mine, I did a whole lot of tweaking. Just a warning, it's super long, but it is meant to keep your interest as long as possible, so it's almost a legit story.]

An old mountaineer and his ex-wife...

were fighting over custody of their kids. The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them. The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

My diabetic kids love the stories i tell them from when i used to work at the sugar factory

They just eat it up

A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids come in and share their stories. "My daddy told me about my uncle Dave," says one boy. "He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a p**..., and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands."
"What is the moral of this horrible story?" yelps the mortified teacher.
"Stay away from Uncle Dave when he's drinking."

I was shocked by that story of the parents who kept even their adult children captive in the house.

Personally, I couldn't wait for my kids to leave.

So I heard Thailand saved some kids who were spelunking?

So now that they are safe are we going back to all the news stories of people spelunking in young Thai kids?

Mom, how did I come to this world?

A kid asked his mother:
\- Mom, how did I come to this world?
\- Me and your father planted a seed together - began telling the story the mother.
\- From that seed - she continued - we grew m**... plant, then smoked some w**... and had s**... on the washing machine...

When your school takes tposing seriously

When a kid tposes - 6 days suspension
When a kid calls in bomb threat - 5 days suspension
True story

As a kid I got a dark brown Labrador puppy for my birthday..

It's a really sad story, we had to euthanize him..
I wanted a light brown one

My highschool teacher just became a grandfather

True story, a little background I had a teacher in highschool that I kept up with after graduation, he is also a little Aspergery.
So I just found out that he became a grandfather so I asked him What are you gonna have the kid call you ie grandad, grandpa, gramps etc... And in complete seriousness he responds with
"He's not gonna call me anything he can't talk"

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn't laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I've persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she's in labor with our fourth and I've finally got her laughing...

...I think I've really improved the delivery!
(True Story: Today is baby number four, and this is basically the same lame joke I told/posted when our last child was born. Dad jokes 4TW!)

Grandpa proudly tells stories from WWII to his grand-kids...

Grandpa says: Once, n**... trapped me and asked me: "Do you want to s**... our d**..., or do you want us to kill you?"
Kids were all excited and asked him: "So...? What did you chose?"
Grandpa says: Death....

There was once a man who had 100 kids.

There was once a man who had 100 kids. He was not a creative man, so he named the kids after the number of their birth. One of his kids, 90, had a few kids when he grew older. One day, they found a dog on the road. They took him in, and named him This. This was a very good and well behaved dog. Dad, I'm going to go feed This. Hey dad, I'm taking This for a walk. One day, This went missing. The kids went out to search for him, when they saw him on the side of the road, with skid marks all over his body. Years later, the kids still remembered and missed This.
Moral of the story:
Only 90s kids will remember This.

So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.
She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?

Son: Ok
Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to feed himself and his family. The second bird wakes up late everyday and cant find anything to eat. So what did you learn from this.
Son: i learned that the bugs that wake up early gets eaten by birds

A five year old kid went to his father and asked where did he come from?

The father was taken by surprise but thought maybe the new generation is way more precocious than he thought and one day he will have to tell the kid everything anyway so why not then, so he told him everything honestly. The kid listened to the whole story mesmerized.
In the end the father asked 'why do you suddenly wanted to know these things?'
'Oh nothing, the kid replied 'there's a new kid in our class, he told me that he came from New York. I just wanted to know where did I come from?'

Kid: Santa, what's the story of your reindeer names?

Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!
Kid: What about Donner?
*A dark countenance settles on Santa's face*
Santa: The year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada...

The kids don't know the difference between castration and a vasectomy.

True story:
Fellow teacher in the lounge during lunch: They have no knowledge of basic human anatomy. They thought that getting a vasectomy meant having your b**... chopped off.
Me: When it comes to the difference between castration and a vasectomy, there is a vas deferens.
Thanks Reddit for letting me steal a joke and use it on the wild.

True story: My kids jokingly called me their favorite mom the other day. (I'm their dad.)

Me: No, then you wouldn't be able to see me.
Kids: *[visible confusion]*
Me: I'd be trans-parent.
^(Follow-up: I'm sorry to inform you that the kids perished from complications related to excessive eye rolling.)

I caught two kids smoking p**... outside my office.

Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking p**... outside my office.
In the early evening...
My wife caught me, my boss and two kids smoking p**... outside my office.
Later that night, an officer caught five people smoking p**... outside my office.
My wife looked at my boss and then looked at me while that story aired on the evening news and then commented
"Phew, I'm glad it wasn't us"

Snakes are the fastest growing animals, said a kid to his father.

The father: how did you know ?
The kid: my old brother killed a 40-inch-long snake, and everytime he tells the story the snake's length increases by 20 inches.

Man with half an orange for a head

A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange. The bartender goes, "OH MY GOD, YOUR HEAD IS A GIANT ORANGE!"
Out of his half-mouth, the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Pour me a shot and I'll explain."
Confused, the bartender pours the guy a shot. The guy downs it and asks for another, then begins his story:
"When I was a young man I travelled the world: Egypt, China, Arabia, everywhere. One day I found a magic lamp and a genie granted me 3 wishes.
'Really?' I said. 'Anything?'
'Anything,' said the genie.
'Okay,' I said. 'First wish... I wish I had a wallet that always had a thousand dollars in it.'
'Granted,' said the genie."
"Wait, wait," interrupts the bartender. "You don't expect me to believe that?"
"Are you kidding? My head's a fucking orange!" snaps the man with the orange head. But just to prove it, he pulls out a worn wallet and slaps ten $100 notes on the bar. The bartender shuts up and the guy with the orange head continues.
"For my second wish, I asked to be irresistible to women."
"Bullshit," says the bartender.
The guy looks across the bar at a beautiful woman he's never met and says, "Hey, baby, want to go home with me tonight?"
The woman squeals with delight, nods, rushes over, buys him a drink, and hangs off him lovingly. She doesn't even seem to notice that half of his head is a piece of fruit. Awed, the bartender pours another round, and asks in a hushed voice, "So... your face... your head... the third wish?"
The man nods and downs another shot of whiskey.
"What happened?" whispered the bartender, leaning forward.
"For my third wish..." whispers the man. "...I wished... that half of my head... were a giant orange."

jokes about kid story