Kid Safe Jokes
31 kid safe jokes and hilarious kid safe puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about kid safe that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Kid Safe Short Jokes
Short kid safe jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The kid safe humour may include short kid friendly jokes also.
- What's the best joke you know that's kid-safe? I know plenty of raunchy jokes, but was asked this recently and came up blank
- Throughout my career, I have delivered many babies. I have always enjoyed parents's look when they see their kids returned to them safely and unharmed after they pay me the ransom I asked.
- Using a pencil to vote in the 2015 General Election... As safe an option as letting Jimmy Saville volunteer in a Kids Hospital.
- When my kids become wild and unruly... ...I use a nice safe playpen.
When they're finished, I climb out. - I don't vaccinate my kids because I don't feel safe jamming a needle into their arm. I'd rather have a professional do it
- So I heard Thailand saved some kids who were spelunking? So now that they are safe are we going back to all the news stories of people spelunking in young Thai kids?
- When I was a kid, I used to always call my parents to let them know I was safe. But sooner or later they'd find me and I'd be back in my cage.
- Today I wanted to be kind. I went to the orphanage and I said I'll give every kid a free ride to Disney World. I also said that, just to be safe, I need their parents' authorization
Share These Kid Safe Jokes With Friends
Kid Safe One Liners
Which kid safe one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with kid safe? I can suggest the ones about child friendly and family safe.
- FriEND, BoyfriEND, GirlfriEND... Only Communism doesn't have end... Stay safe kids
- Q: What sports team is the least safe around children?
A: The Nashville Predators. - Always eat safe kids. Use Condoments.
- Not safe for kids Your parents are Santa clause AND the tooth fairy.
Giggle-Inducing Kid Safe Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about kid safe you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean quiet kid jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make kid safe pranks.
A joke my grandfather told me as a kid.
After the passengers loaded on, the plane flew out of the airport. As they were getting airborn, an announcement came over the speakers: "Welcome to the first fully-automated flight. There are no pilots operating this plane, it's being operated entirely by a computer. Rest assured that rigorous testing has been run to ensure that the trip will be completely safe. Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong.
Nothing can go wrong..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I wanted to make sure my kids were safe when they are playing outside....
So I put an ISIS flag in my window.
Now my neighbors watch them 24/7.
My kid got sent home from school one day.
They said he was catching bees and throwing them at other kids. So I sat him down and had a chat. I said, "Son, you can't be doing that, obviously it's not ok to throw bees at people, they could get stung and what happens if someone has an allergic reaction? How would you feel if that happened?" And he replied, " Well I know it doesn't sound safe, but my principal said I could do it and the teachers said I could do it. Infact both of you even said I could do it! You all said I can bee who I want to bee!
Two brothers are talking about life,
Bro 1: Why do you think I ended up with 9 kids and you have none.
Bro 2: That's because I use the safe period.
Bro 1: What's the safe period?
Bro 2: When you're at work.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Jackson estate recently made an announcement...
That upon his death, they'd had Michael's body melted down and cast into pieces of LEGO.
So now it's finally safe for the kids to play with Michael.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blindness
Stevie Wonder -7 kids
David Blunkett - 5 kids
Ray Charles - 12 kids
I think it's safe to say it's not w**... that makes you blind.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Read about this horrible guy who was a racist and a p**...
At least some of the kids are safe
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is driving the car with his family in it
He gets bored and begins going faster and faster. His wife taps on his shoulder and says:
"Can you please slow down, you are going too fast"
The man responds:
"Don't worry, God will keep us safe"
And he speeds up even more. After a few seconds his kids tap on his shoulder and say:
"Dad please slow down"
The man starts to get annoyed and says:
"I told you not to worry, God will keep us safe"
He once again speeds up even more. After a few seconds he feels another tap on his shoulder. He asks angrily:
"What the h**... is it this time?"
"This is God. Can you please stop the car for a moment, I need to get out"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy is in a CVS with his dad...
A boy is in a CVS with his dad. While in line at the pharmacy, the boy notices something in a box that resembles balloons. Curious, the boy asks his dad about these balloons in the box. "Well, those are condoms, son," the boy's dad replies. "What are condoms used for, dad?" replied the little boy. "They are used so men can practice safe s**...," said the father. The boy asks his dad who would use the box of three. The boy's dad replies, "Those are for high school kids. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The boy then spots a box of six and asks his dad about those. "Those are for college kids son. They use two on Friday, two on Saturday and two on Sunday." The boy then asks, "Well what about the box of twelve?" To which the boy's dad replied, "Those are for married men like myself, son. One for January, one for February, one for March....."
A college student was golfing with an old man...
And they get to the 6th hole, a very long par 5 with a huge oak tree right in the middle of the start of the fairway.
The college kid says to the old man, "Any advice on this hole? I'm not sure I can carry over the tree but this hole is too long to lay up on the first shot."
The old man snorts with laughter and says, "Hah! A young guy like you? When I was your age I could clear that tree with a 4 iron."
The kid, not wanting to be outdone by this old man, grabs a 3 iron to be safe and takes a whack. THUNK, it hits the tree and bounces back towards him, and the old man laughs at him.
He tries again with a 3 wood and again THUNK, the ball smacks the trunk and rolls back. The old pensioner is now doubled over laughing at this kid's efforts.
Furious at being humiliated, the college kid tries one last time with his new driver and again THUNK the ball is no where near clearing the tree. He turns to the old man and says "Gee mister, you must have been a long hitter when you were younger to clear that tree with a 4 iron."
"Well son," says the old man smiling, "when I was your age that tree was a young sapling only 10 ft tall"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the kid who was afraid of monsters under the bed?
The kid's parents taught him to call under the bed every night and ask "Are there any monsters down there?". If you don't hear an answer, then you can go to sleep and know that it is safe.
Well, One night his parents went out and he was stuck with a s**... baby sitter. She completely ignored him. So he made cereal for dinner and played video games on the TV till it got late and he was tired.
He went to his room and found his baby sitter just sitting there. She left his room, and he went to bed. He sat puzzled for a moment, because the baby sitter's hair was a mess, and she had a blank look on her face like something had happened. So, he called under the bed and asked, "Are there any monsters down there?"
After a few seconds, a voice answered back "No".
The kid died of fright.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman pregnant with triplets goes into a grocery store and gets shot 3 times in the stomach during a robbery...
She is rushed to the hospital and all known tests are run on her. The doctor approaches her and tells her the children are all fine, but it's too late in the pregnancy to safely remove the bullets. They would fall out in their own time.
The woman gives birth to 3 healthy kids. Two girls, and a boy.
16 years later, the first little girl comes running in yelling "mommy mommy! I was peeing and a bullet fell out!"
The mother reassures her daughter and explains the story to her.
The next week, the second little girl comes running in yelling "mommy mommy! I was peeing and a bullet fell out!"
So again, the mother reassures her daughter and explains the story.
The next week, the boy comes in distraught. There are tears running down his face and he is crying hard.
The mother takes a look at him worried and says "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet fell out?"
The boy responds "no! I was m**... and I shot the dog!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Father and his 13 year old son walk into the pharmacy.
The son sees the boxes of condoms and asks: "What are these dad?"
And the father answers truthfully:
"These, my boy, are called condoms. Men use them to have safe s**...."
"Oh.. i see! the boy answers. They shown them to us at school, in the s**... education class."
Then the boy looks at a packet with 3 condoms in it and asks: "Why does this one have only 3 in it dad?"
"This, son is for high-school kids: One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."
Then the boy looks at another packet that has 6 inside.
"What about this one? Why does it have 6 in?"
"This is for college students: Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."
Then the kid sees that packet with 12 inside and with great wonder asks: "And this one dad, with 12 inside?"
His father sighs and explains to him: "These my boy, are for married people. One for January, one for February…"
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.
"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."
"Excellent my son, I've gotta take a leak, watch the gate will ya?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down.
The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy.
So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter.
They throw out a p**.... “Throw out more!” shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle.
“More!” he cries again.
They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport.
They get into a jeep and drive off.
Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying.
They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A p**... hit me on the head!”
They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder.
Again they ask why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!”
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s laughing hysterically.
They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I sneezed and a house blew up!”