Kid Jokes

Following is our collection of jimmy humor and preschooler one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Kid puns for adults, dirty boy jokes or clean dad gags for kids.

There is an abundance of youngster jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 87 funniest jokes on kid. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any kids in hospital witze you can hear about kid.

The Best jokes about Kid

Don't Read If You're A Trump Supporter

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?

The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

Kid joke, A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?


Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, I'll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

Kid joke, I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

I named my kid Bob Ross

He was a happy little accident.

You know you're a 90s kid when...

your vaccinations were mandatory and no one in your class got measles.

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, So who is Billy's father?

You.

A house of cards is really fragile

One blow from a little kid and it all comes tumbling down


A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."

Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

Two kids were talking...

Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin

Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!

Kid 1: Lies!

Kid 2: Ask your sister.

Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!

Kid 2: You will in about nine months!

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

Kid joke, Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

"One mans trash is another mans treasure" is a great quote but,

its not the best way to tell your kid that hes adopted.

When a kid says

When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.


What do Jewish pedophiles say?

Hey kid, want to buy some candy?

My kid says he came up with this one: A guy goes to interview for IKEA...

The manager says Welcome! Come in and make a seat.

My dad was always drunk when I was a kid

The punchline?

It was my mom, then my sister, then me

Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend

But it was just my imaginasian.

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got

A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?"

Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."

The little black jewish boy...

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black? The dad replies, Why do you want to know, son? Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!

What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?

A fart.


*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*

When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle

Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead

Abortions are so fun

It really brings out the kid in you

There was a kid that was born with no eyelids.

The doctor was able to use the skin from the circumcision to make him new eyelids.
It went really well other than the fact the kid is a little cock-eyed

KID : What are condoms used for?

DAD : To avoid such questions.

I stole a stripper's kid.

It was like taking baby from a Candi.

Why did the kid eat his homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew

What do you call a kid who finally stood up to the bullies?

An ambulance.

Robin Williams' Favorite Joke

Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''

He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

Sure, white people can't say the n-word, but....

At least we can say, "hey dad", "thanks for the warning officer", and "that's my kid".

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school?

Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.

Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid...

I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!

What did the father say when he was killing his kid with a vacuum?

Dyson.

Joke my kid made up when he was like 4.... What do you call an angry shopper using bad words?

A cussomer.

A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."

When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.

I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

Two kids were wondering if God is black or white..

So they prayed and asked him. A booming voice from the heavens answered "I am what I am." One kid said, "Well, I guess he's white." The other said, "How can you tell?" "Well, if he was black, he would've answered, 'I is what I is.'"

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?

Smiling, I replied, Tiny!"

My kid laughed and asked, What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?

I explained, Because...he's my newt!"

Kid: Waaaahhhhh! MY TOY IS BROKEN!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape can't fix.
Kid: mrnm... mmrm.. rnmr...

When I was a kid everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian...

well no ones laughing now.

Chinese kid was born before the due date

Parents named him Sudden Lee.

Who Did Princess Leia's Hair? (My daughter's joke)

Darth Braider



(I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)

A kid asks his mom:

- Mom, what's dark humor?
- Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap
- Mom! I'm blind....
- Exactly.

I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

Your mom joke, but clever

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

Fun idea:

Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

What's the difference between a little kid and a lesbian?

A little kid shouldn't run with scissors, a lesbian shouldn't scissor with the runs.

A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"

She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.

He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.

He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"

The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black bastards."

What is it called when two redheads have a kid?

Ginger bred

When I was a kid...

... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

Did you hear about the goth kid with dyslexia?

He sold his soul to Santa.

When I was a little kid, I was afraid of the dark.

But then I grew up and saw the electricity bill.

I'm now afraid of light.

A kid asks his dad, "what's the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially'"?

His dad responds, "realistically you've heard this joke before, potentially, you will hear it again".

My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed

He was going to tell his parents

a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."

The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"

"I'm his mom..."

After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange

She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What's up?"

Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."

Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

I was at an atm and some little kid asked me to help him check his balance

... So I pushed him over

A kid asked his dad..

Kid: Dad, what is an alcoholic?
Dad: You see these 4 cars, an alcoholic would see 8 cars.
Kid: But there are only 2 cars.

A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar....

Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Kid: No, minding his own business.

A Jewish Black kid walks up to his dad and asks if he is more Black than Jewish.

"Why son?" The dad asks.
"Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and I was wondering if I should talk him down to $30 or just steal it."

A mexican kid tells D. Trump:

I want to be President!
Trump says: are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of tour mind? Are you retarded?
Kid says: you know what, never mind those are too many requirements.

The German dream

The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."

I heard the kid who fell into the gorilla pit was actually trying to get the jewelry his mother dropped.

He didn't get the gold but he got the silver back.

My kid made this one up: How do you make Swiss cheese?

With a holey cow.

A five year old told me this joke.. [NSFW]

Was at a cafe when this little kid walks up to me:

"What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?"

"I dunno"

"....... When you pull your meat out of the refrigerator it doesn't make a *pffffffffft* sound."

The kid runs up to a policeman

"Officer!" yells the kid, "My father is in a fight with another man!"
The officer says "Calm down kid, where is he?"
"He's right around the corner!" exclaims the kid.
The cop follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there's two men going at it as hard as they can.
"Which one is your father?" asks the cop
"I don't know!" cries the kid. "That's what they're fighting about!"

The Biggest Coward

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward.

The first kid says," My dad is so scared that when a lightning strikes my dad slides underneath our bed."

The second kid goes," That's nothing, my dad is so scared, that when mummy works night shift, my dad sleeps with the woman next door."

I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid,

but my mom told me the sky is the limit.

I just saw that Harry Potter film. I think its a bit unrealistic if you ask me..

I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? How?

I was amazed

As I get older, I never stop learning new things every day. I'm a new dad and the other day I was changing my baby when all of a sudden my kid rolls off of the changing table. As if animal instincts kicked into me in that split moment, or super powers of sorts, I swoop down with lightning speed and catch him INCHES off of the ground! Still to this day I'm amazed; I had no idea babies could bounce that high off of marbled flooring.

What did the fat kid get for his Birthday?

Bullied

What "being a man" is about

A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".

"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".

At a playground, a woman asked a man "Which kid is yours?"

The man replied "Haven't decided yet."

A son was arguing with his dad, insisting that 1+1 equals 11

The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:

-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!

His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.

Then, his dad said:

-Now give me one and the other to your brother!

Son asks:

-What about mine?

Father answers:

-You can have the other nine left over, stubborn kid!

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

Why was the 3 year old ethiopian kid crying

He was having a mid life crisis

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes