The Best 87 Kid Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Kid jokes. There are some kid preschooler jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these kid dad puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Kid Jokes and Puns

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.

Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?

The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!

The student has become the teacher.

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

jokes about kid

How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and I have gone South.


Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, I'll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

Kid joke, Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say,  I'll give you a

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

I saw a crying kid and asked him where his parents were.

And that's how I lost my job at the orphanage.

For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

I named my kid Bob Ross

He was a happy little accident.

You can explore kid jimmy reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean kid boy dad jokes. There are also kid puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


You know you're a 90s kid when...

your vaccinations were mandatory and no one in your class got measles.

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, So who is Billy's father?

You.

A house of cards is really fragile

One blow from a little kid and it all comes tumbling down

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."

A kid is selling lemonade…

The boy's sign reads 1 cup for 25Β’, 3 cups for $1

A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade.
"25 cents", says the kid.

The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.

As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: "Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75’… Maybe lemonade stands aren't your thing."

"I guess you're right" says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.

Kid joke, A kid is selling lemonade…

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don't kick us out, just lettuce leave)

Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

A kid came out as bisexual to his dad and the dad said they have to move

"This apartment has a strict no-animal policy.", he says. "Wait until they find out I have a bison."


Two kids were talking...

Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin

Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!

Kid 1: Lies!

Kid 2: Ask your sister.

Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!

Kid 2: You will in about nine months!

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

Made up by my elementary-aged kid: How do old people line up?

In an elderly fashion. (So proud)

Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him "What's wrong?"

Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"

"Until you're 18" says the father.

The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.

=== =====

When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18, won't you?"

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping.

It does not.

Kid joke, When I was a little kid, I thought "This little piggy went to market." meant it went shopping.

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

"One mans trash is another mans treasure" is a great quote but,

its not the best way to tell your kid that hes adopted.

When a kid says

When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."


Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

Vladimir Putin visits a school...

He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, what do you want to be when you grow up?". The quiet kid thinks for a moment and says: "An orphan!".

My kid says he came up with this one: A guy goes to interview for IKEA...

The manager says Welcome! Come in and make a seat.

"Craig, I caught your son playing 'doctor' with my daughter!"

"Oh lord, that kid. My boy didn't do anything inappropriate, did he?"

"I'll say! The co-pay he charged was outrageous!"

My dad was always drunk when I was a kid

The punchline?

It was my mom, then my sister, then me


Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"

a joke we tell in Ukraine

A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.


The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dude!!! That kid is obviously not yours!"
the Ukrainian replied "I don't care I dont want a russian!!!"

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend

But it was just my imaginasian.

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got

A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

The little black jewish boy...

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black? The dad replies, Why do you want to know, son? Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!

What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?

A fart.

*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*

2 Russians are robbing a bank...

2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"

Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"

Russian 1 (to the woman): "What's your name?"

Woman: "Sofia"

Russian 1 (to Russian 2): "I can't kill her... My wife has the same name..."

Russian 2: "Then kill that kid that's sitting beside her."

Russian 1 (to the kid): "What's your name?"

Kid: "Billy, but everybody calls me Sofia"

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.

The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;

'All of them'

'No just 3', replies the kid

'Damn it'

The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.

I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing,



but when I got home, the signs were all there.

The kid that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle

Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead

So there's this one kid at a costume party and the host ask what he was dressed up as. The kid told him that he dressed up as a harp, and the host told him that his costume is too small to be a harp.

The kid then said, "Are you calling me a lyre?"

Abortions are so fun

It really brings out the kid in you

There was a kid that was born with no eyelids.

The doctor was able to use the skin from the circumcision to make him new eyelids.
It went really well other than the fact the kid is a little cock-eyed

KID : What are condoms used for?

DAD : To avoid such questions.

I stole a stripper's kid.

It was like taking baby from a Candi.

Why did the kid eat his homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew

What do you call a kid who finally stood up to the bullies?

An ambulance.

Robin Williams' Favorite Joke

Guy's having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, ''Well, I'd better talk to Timmy.''

He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy's room. He opens the door , and there's Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes ''Oh, my God!'' And the kid goes, ''Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

Sure, white people can't say the n-word, but....

At least we can say, "hey dad", "thanks for the warning officer", and "that's my kid".

Mom asks, "Are you going to take me out to a restaurant for Mother's Day?"

Kid replies, "We have food at home"

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school?

Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.

Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid...

I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!

What did the father say when he was killing his kid with a vacuum?

Dyson.

Joke my kid made up when he was like 4.... What do you call an angry shopper using bad words?

A cussomer.

A kid asks, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

The mom replies, "Listen, the way I remember that party you're lucky you don't bark."

When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'.

I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

Two kids were wondering if God is black or white..

So they prayed and asked him. A booming voice from the heavens answered "I am what I am." One kid said, "Well, I guess he's white." The other said, "How can you tell?" "Well, if he was black, he would've answered, 'I is what I is.'"

A kid asks his mom:

- Mom, what's dark humor?
- Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap
- Mom! I'm blind....
- Exactly.

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?

Smiling, I replied, Tiny!"

My kid laughed and asked, What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?

I explained, Because...he's my newt!"

Kid: Waaaahhhhh! MY TOY IS BROKEN!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape can't fix.
Kid: mrnm... mmrm.. rnmr...

When I was a kid everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian...

well no ones laughing now.

Chinese kid was born before the due date

Parents named him Sudden Lee.

Who Did Princess Leia's Hair? (My daughter's joke)

Darth Braider



(I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)

I saw a kid getting beaten up by 4 gang members, so I helped out.

He didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us.

Your mom joke, but clever

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

Fun idea:

Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

What's the difference between a little kid and a lesbian?

A little kid shouldn't run with scissors, a lesbian shouldn't scissor with the runs.

A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"

She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.

He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.

He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"

The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black bastards."

What is it called when two redheads have a kid?

Ginger bred

Teacher: how do you spell 'crocodile'

Kid: K-R-O-K-I-D-I-A-L.

Teacher: no, that's wrong.

Kid: no, I'm right. Other people might spell it differently but you asked how I spell it.

When I was a kid...

... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

Did you hear about the goth kid with dyslexia?

He sold his soul to Santa.

An 8 year old girl went to work with her father on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they where walking around the office the young girl started to cry. Her father asked what was wrong. As a crowd gathered around her she sobbed ''Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

When I was a little kid, I was afraid of the dark.

But then I grew up and saw the electricity bill.

I'm now afraid of light.

A kid asks his dad, "what's the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially'"?

His dad responds, "realistically you've heard this joke before, potentially, you will hear it again".

My new puppy just bit the neighbors kid so we had to have it killed

He was going to tell his parents

a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"

The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."

The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"

"I'm his mom..."

After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange

She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What's up?"

Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."

Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I'm older I don't fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the kid youngster jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working kid kids in hospital piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes