kid Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious kid puns

Don't Read If You're A Trump Supporter

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?

The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.

👍🏼

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

👍🏼

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

👍🏼

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

👍🏼

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, I'll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

👍🏼

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

👍🏼

A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's nothing"

The dad replies "Yeah, i spoil that woman"

👍🏼

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

👍🏼

I named my kid Bob Ross

He was a happy little accident.

👍🏼

You know you're a 90s kid when...

your vaccinations were mandatory and no one in your class got measles.

👍🏼

A house of cards is really fragile

One blow from a little kid and it all comes tumbling down

👍🏼

Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

👍🏼

Two kids were talking...

Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin

Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!

Kid 1: Lies!

Kid 2: Ask your sister.

Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!

Kid 2: You will in about nine months!

👍🏼

I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.

A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.

👍🏼

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

👍🏼

Dad: I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why are you doing that?
Dad: So you don't get bored there.

👍🏼

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

👍🏼

My eight year old nephew said he had a joke:

What did the ant say to the other ant?
I dunno, what?
Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.
Yeah, that's not really a joke kid.
He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. It's an ant-y joke, asshole.

👍🏼

"One mans trash is another mans treasure" is a great quote but,

its not the best way to tell your kid that hes adopted.

👍🏼

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

👍🏼

What do Jewish pedophiles say?

Hey kid, want to buy some candy?

👍🏼

My kid says he came up with this one: A guy goes to interview for IKEA...

The manager says Welcome! Come in and make a seat.

👍🏼

My dad was always drunk when I was a kid

The punchline?

It was my mom, then my sister, then me

👍🏼

Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, "I'll give you a reason to cry"?

I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

👍🏼

Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"

👍🏼

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend

But it was just my imaginasian.

👍🏼

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got

👍🏼

A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

👍🏼

Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?"

Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."

👍🏼

The little black jewish boy...

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black? The dad replies, Why do you want to know, son? Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!

👍🏼

What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?

A fart.


*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*

👍🏼

"One man's trash is another man's treasure."

is one way to tell your kid that they're adopted.

👍🏼

A little Muslim kid can't find his mother

A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in a supermarket.

The store attendant asks, "What does your mother look like?"

The kid says.. "I have no fucking idea."

👍🏼

When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle

Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead

👍🏼

Abortions are so fun

It really brings out the kid in you

👍🏼

What are the best Kid puns ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Kid? Well, here are the best Kid dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny pranks and Kid pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes