Kid Friendly Jokes
107 kid friendly jokes and hilarious kid friendly puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about kid friendly that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Kid friendly stand up comedy is among the best jokes and riddles that are actually funny. Most of the jokes and riddles are family friendly, and can range from math, school appropriate and birthday jokes.
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Funniest Kid Friendly Short Jokes
Short kid friendly jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The kid friendly humour may include short kids friendly jokes also.
- One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore.. It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.
- I just saw that Harry Potter film. I think its a bit unrealistic if you ask me.. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? How?
- I don't get anti-vaxxers. If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?
- A friend told me he doesn't let his kids watch orchestra performances cuz there's too much sax and violins. I told him puns make me wanna commit violins.
- My friend just came to me all depressed because his kid's failing 3rd grade, and he doesn't know how to break it to him. Apparently slowly wasn't the advice he was looking for.
- When I was a little kid, I had this friend that was always counting. I wonder what he's up to these days.
- My friend keeps beating kids in games It's fine and all except the game is "Who punches harder?"
- My kids will be friends with people of all colors of the rainbow. That means no black people.
- Women are too sensitive. My friend said she was having twins. All I said was at least you'll finally have 2 kids with the same father.
- My friend was surprised when I said I hadn't heard about the kids in Thailand being rescued Where have you been? Living in a cave?
Share These Kid Friendly Jokes With Friends
Kid Friendly One Liners
Which kid friendly one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with kid friendly? I can suggest the ones about child friendly and family friendly.
- When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend But it was just my imaginasian.
- Friend: Your three kids are so well behaved! Me: Well .... there used to be four.
- Apple recently created a more child-friendly iTouch. It's called the iTouch-Kids.
- What do you call a little kid with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.
- My friend said he got a cheap circumcision when he was a kid... What a rip off!
- Ginger kid Ginger kid: mom, I love you!
Mother: eee... let's just stay friends. - yo mama is Yo' Mama is so ugly, her imaginary friend played with other kids.
- My friends always call me "that crazy guy." Just kidding... squirrels can't talk.
- Where would Humor be without kids? Downtown at a bar with friends...
- When I was a kid I was best friends with twins. Turns out it was just one kid with ADHD
- Harry Potter is a fiction No ginger kid can have 2 real friend !
- What does an unvaccinated kid tell his friends to justify his choice? Life is too short.
- What kind of bar is kid friendly? A chocolate bar.
- My friend told me this one Just kidding, I don't have friends
- An unvaccinated kid greeted his friends. He died.
Kid Friendly Blonde Jokes
Here is a list of funny kid friendly blonde jokes and even better kid friendly blonde puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A Blonde girl says to her friend... A blonde girl says to her friend, "I think Bill is cheating on me. I'm no longer even sure the kids are mine."
Gather Around for Heartwarming Kid Friendly Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about kid friendly you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean kid safe jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make kid friendly pranks.
Dating in 1962
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,
maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse
and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.
"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The d**... dance is called the Twist!
I got a divorce for my birthday.
When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.
We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.
I was sitting on the couch n**....
A conversation between friends.
White kid: My dad's well hung.
Black kid: Mine was hung too.
Chinese kid: Hey! My dad's Hung too!!
This is a below average joke attempt. I know, hanged vs hung. Still I thought I'd share.
Orange Jews
Three of my best friends and I are Jewish in a school with a total of probably 20 Jewish kids (so everyone know we are Jewish). This year for Halloween, the four of us are all going dressed in orange morph suits. If anyone asks what we are, we will simply respond with "orange juice."
When I have kids...
When I have kids I want them to be friends with people of every colour of the rainbow...
So no black people
A kid goes to church to confess...
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
Kids at the Wedding
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young e**... to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."
Why didn't Hannibal Lecter have any friends as a kid?
He was told not to play with his food.
Pregnant Woman
There was this little kid who had a bad habit of s**... his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop s**... his thumb, he'd get fat.
Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"
I'm really looking forward to Halloween this year. I'm doing a SAW themed party for my kids and their friends.
It begins with twelve children locked in the basement and I've hidden the Wi-Fi password inside the stomach of one of them.
A socially awkward guy at a party...
...never knows what to say to women. So a friend suggests asking them if they're married, have any kids.
"Are you married?"
"No."
"um...have any kids...?" She gives him a disgusted look, walks away.
He thinks to himself, maybe I did that wrong, let me try it again.
"Have any kids?"
"Yes."
"Are you married...?"
Child Birth
One woman turns to her friend and says, you've had a kid, what do you think is better, a natural birth or a C section? Her friend pauses for a moment and says, I'ts hard to say, i'm kind of torn.
Who's your daddy?
A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee
It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit
"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked
"I have no job" he replied
"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"
"God will provide, I'm sure" was the answer from the intended
"And how exactly will he do that then?"
"God is merciful and will ensure we do not want" he said with all sincerity
"And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?"
"God will ensure he provides bounty for the whole family"
"OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?"
"I don't know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways"
At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,
"What's up friend? You seem troubled"
"Well, I've just met my girl's new fiancé"
"Oh man, bad news?"
"Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I'm God..."
My friend asked if I could help him write a bedtime story for his kids.
I thought "what a novel idea".
How do you put an elephant in a fridge joke
A plane carries 500 bricks. 1 falls out. How many bricks are left?
499.
How do you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?
Open the fridge, put in the elephant, and close the fridge.
How do you put a deer in a fridge in 4 steps?
Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in the deer, then close the fridge.
The Lion King is having a party. All the animals are there except for one; who is it?
The deer: He is still in the fridge.
An old lady is crossing a swamp, but it is a crocodile swamp. How does she cross? Normally, all the crocodiles are at the Lion King's party
Mary dies at the edge of the swamp. How?
A brick falls from the sky and kills her.
Knock knock Who's there?
Not Mary
My friend came out of closet to me recently
"I am gay", he said to me.
I didn't believe my friend. I thought he was kidding. I said...
"How can you say that with such a straight face?"
My friend asked me if I've ever paid for s**...
I've paid dearly: I've got three kids.
What do you call a 5 year old kid with no friends?
A Sandy Hook survivor
All they wanted was books but instead they got magazines
A blind kid named Stevie just changed schools...
And he was thinking about his old friends. Since he was blind, he never got to look at his friend, James, and he randomly thought, "Was James brown?"
After a little while, he realised he left before his friend, Marvin, came out and so he thought "Was Marvin gay?"
Needles to say, these questions really made Stevie wonder.
2 men are sitting on a bench in a park, filled with children. Kids are having fun.
Man 1: "Kids are amazing. Look at them, playing, socializing... so cute!"
Man 2: "Yup."
Man 1: "My Timmy, right over there, likes to play soccer with his friends."
Man 2: "Cool."
Man 1: "Hey, which one is yours?"
Man 2: "Haven't decided yet..."
Women these days are too sensitive
My friend said she was having twins and all I said was 'Well hey, that's great, at least you've finally got two kids with the same father.' then she stormed off all pissy.
Women, amiright?
I was arguing with friends over what school weighed the most.
One friend said high schools because the kids are older and weigh more.
Another said definitely colleges, not only do the students weigh more than high school students, there's so many more people.
I said you're both wrong, it's definitely Catholic schools, they have more mass.
How do you tell your friend that you think his kids are s**...?
Buy them a fidget spinner.
Stay neglectful my friends
I adopted 3 kids recently and named them after my favorite beers; Bud Light, Miller Light, and Dos Equis. I work long days and am occasionally allowed to bring one child with me to the office. When faced with the decision of which child to take with me to work I always pick Dos Equis, because I don't always watch my kids but when I do I prefer Dos Equis.
A jealous woman, while on a road trip with her friends, would call her husband everyday to check on him.
Her: Where are you?
Him: At home hun.
Her: Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me so I know you are home?
Him: Sure Hun .
Whirrrrrrrrrr
Him: There you go.
Her: Ok. Talk to you later...
This went on for a few days. She would call him and ask him to run the food processor, which he would do.
One day she called her children and asked : Where is dad?
Kid: No idea. He leaves early in the morning and comes back late in the night.
But he takes the food processor along wherever he goes.
What do you call a kid with an imaginary friend?
Creative.
What do you call an adult with an imaginary friend?
Crazy.
What do you call an adult with an imaginary friend who lives in the sky?
Religious.
When I was a kid, I only had two friends and they were imaginary.
It was too bad they only ever played with each other.
A man walks into a bar
He sat down next to a grumpy looking guy.
He asks: What's the deal? What happend?
The guy replies: It has been a rough time for me, you know. My wife left me and took the house, the car, all my money and the kids, so i just lost my job and my friends don't support me.
The first man says: Thats horrible, there is no way it could get worse, is there?
He answers: There is, she came back
If you are a 90s kid-you say I love my gaming system! Your friend says Then why don't you marry it? You say Super! I will! What day is this scenario most likely to occur?
WEDNESDAY
What's the kid friendly term for b**...?
Baby-shower
Me and my friend went to spy on women
We saw a girl n**... and after a few seconds my friend randomely got up and ran away. I chased after him and once I caught up with him I asked him "Hey why are you running away?!" He said "my mom told me when I was a kid that if I ever spied on women I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard"
Two lizards walk into a bar
and the bartender says, "We don't get many lizards in here." The first lizard replies, "At these prices, I'm not surprised!"
(My brother told this one when we were kids.. I don't know where he got it but think he and a friend made it up. s**... but it still makes me laugh)
Had a bet going with a friend over who would be the first to get those kids out of that cave, Elon Musk or the Navy SEALs...
...He said Elon Musk, I said it would be a Thai.
My friend asked me to pet his baby goat. I had to decline.
I'm not going to jail for touching a kid.
When I was a kid my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a c**..., a man told his buddy.
Your dad showed you pictures of venereal diseases? the friend asked.
No, the first said, they were all pictures of me.
I've always had trouble connecting with people...
Even as a child my imaginary friend would ditch me to play with the kid across the street
My friend told me that I need to stop singing I'm a believer because it was getting annoying and I laughed because I thought she was kidding
Then I saw her face
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend who I could talk to and he could hear me, he could also give me wishes and stuff
Then I stopped going to church
A kid ask his slightly deaf father about Sherlock Holmes
-Dad, do you know who was Sherlock Holmes' best friend?
-What son?
I told friends and family that i will never vaccinate my kids...
I'll let the doctor do it.
Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public.
I was in the pub with a few mates a while back and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:
Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
A. You throw in your washing.
Then a guy came over fuming and said, "I'm sorry but I don't find that funny. My brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.
My friend said, "Oh, I'm really sorry. Did he drown?"
"No, said the man, "He choked to death on a sock."
Jim was out shopping with his young daughter and ran into an old college classmate.
"This is Beth," Jim said proudly, introducing his kid.
"And what's Beth short for?" The friend asked.
Puzzled, he replied,"Because she's only three!
What did the calculator say to his friend?
"You can count on me!"
Just kidding. Calculators can't talk.
Q: What is a large mammal that lives in swamps and shouts obscenities at passers by?
A: The hippopottymouth
Source: friend's kid
My friend asked why I never used condoms
I said, "My pull out game is superb and condoms are expensive. You gotta keep a tight budget when you have 14 kids."
I went to the hospital to visit my friend who had an accident.
While waiting in the waiting room, I felt hungry so bought some juice and 2 burgers from the cafeteria.
I was about to eat, when I saw a kid sitting on the chair beside me looking at me. I asked him if he was hungry. He nodded. So I gave him one of my burgers.
After a few minutes, his mother came and saw him finishing the burger.
She got real angry and started shouting.
"Who is the s**... person who gave him this burger. I drove 20 miles to get him tested on an empty stomach."
I
JUST
RAN.
My friend told me yesterday that he's buying me a goat for Xmas.
I said, you're kidding me.
A foreign family is about to travel to america
The parents told the kids to say bye to the friends they will miss. The older son then threw himself down a flight of stairs, in the hospital, when he was asked why he did it, he said
"Just saying goodbye to free healthcare"
Ivan was out with his young daughter and ran into a friend he'd not seen in years.
"This is Beth." Ivan said, introducing his kid. "And what's Beth short for?" his friend asked.
* Because she's only three."*
James Potter and Sirius Black passed by each other in heaven.
James exclaimed, "Sirius, why are you here? Are you visiting?"
Sirius hung his head. "No, I actually died. Bellatrix killed me in the Department of Mysteries."
Potter just laughed. "What do you mean? You were a much better wizard than her. You can't fool me."
"I'm not kidding!" Black protested. "She killed me!"
**"Oh," James said, looking at his friend. "You're dead Sirius."** (dead serious)
Jimmy was racing his friends to the nearest tree
"Last one there's a p**...!" one of the older kids said.
This motivated Jimmy. He was set on winning.
He would not be deterred.
A couple is driving on a highway
A couple is driving on a highway when she says, I want a divorce. The man doesn't say anything, except speeds up the car.
I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you. The man doesn't say anything except speeds up to he car.
I want the house, the bank account, kids, and the dog. The man doesn't say anything excepts speeds up the car.
She says, Are you listening to me? Don't you want anything?
The man replies, No, I have everything I need.
Oh? And what's that?
Right before the car rams into a wall, he says, The airbag.
My kid recently realized that they were born in the wrong body.
Now, I fully support anything they need to do to feel more like themselves, but I never imagined it would affect my social life like it has. The teachers won't see me, my friends act like I'm not there. h**... even the mailman hasn't made a delivery in weeks. I never realized how hard it was to be a transparent.
This no kidding came from my 10 y/o today from his class. 5th Grade
Student #1: was acting rude and obnoxious toward other students in class
My kiddo: "Stop acting rude"
Student #1: "Make me"
Student #2 (a friend of my kiddo): "Your Mom and Dad already made that mistake."
Bill and Joe were best friends...
Bill and Joe were best friends since they were kids and had always shared an extreme love of baseball. One day, when Bill was on his deathbed, Joe asked him to find a way to tell him if there was baseball in heaven. Bill promised he would.
A few months after Bill had died, Joe woke up in his bed to the ghost of Bill calling his name.
"Bill!" Joe exclaimed
"Joe!" 'I have good news and bad news, The good news is there's baseball in heaven!"
"That's great Bill, but what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching on Tuesday"
Breakfast
Since we're all dad's here (our women and non-reproducing friends included) I'm hoping you can help me with some kid advice. You see my kids are always arguing they want sugary breakfasts. Froot-Loops and Pop Tarts or what have you.
How can I get them to eat something healthy?
My kids are imporridgable
I've just bought a pig!
One afternoon, two friends who lived in the same town were chatting.
**I've just bought a pig**, said the first.
You are not kidding but where will you keep it? Your yard's much too small for a pig! said the second.
**I am going to keep it under my bed**, replied his friend.
But what about the smell?
**He'll soon get used to that**.
Traditional jokes from my childhood #3
A group of friends were hiking a mountain and were planning on having a picnic up there..
One of the friends stutters a lot on the starts of sentences... On the way up he kept saying "w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-" until they made it to the top of the mountain he was finally able to say "We forgot our food", everyone got mad and sad and started their way back down.
The joke doesn't end here... on the way down he kept saying "J-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j..." until they made it to where they had parked their car he was finally able to say "Just kidding".
Against Us
Woman : Ugh my boyfriends family is so against us dating.
Friend : Who are they to stop you.
Woman : His wife and kids.
My favourite joke to confuse the kids
1-1 was a racehorse. 2-2 was one, too. 1-1 won 1 race. 2-2 won 1 too.
I always say it as fast as possible to confuse friends kids.
My friend commented on my daughter's weight recently, I told him it's mostly puppy fat.
We should stop buying her pets, kid's a f\*cking pyscho.
Tunnel love
A gawky lad from New England came to New York with his girl, and took her to nearby Playland Amusement Park. They had heard a lot about the Tunnel of Love and were especially anxious to try it out. But when they got home, the kids expressed disappointment.
Shucks, the boy said, it was dark and damp and uncomfortable. Besides, we got soaking wet.
How come? asked a friend. Did the boat leak?
The kid looked amazed. There's a boat?
A guy walks into a bar
He saw an attractive girl waving at him, but he's not so sure so he looks around to make sure that's him she's waving to.
The girl walks to him and said: "Hello!"
She was so beautiful with blonde hair blue eyes, but he can't remember knowing her.
"I'm sorry, do I know you?" - he asks.
"Yes, you're one of my kids' father!"
Now he panics, and recalls to that one time he cheated on his wife.
"Are you that stripper on my bachelor's party where we had s**... on the bar counter and all of my friends saw you spanked me?"
"k**..., but no, I'm your kid's teacher!"
