The Best 56 Kicks Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Kicks jokes. There are some kicks kickin jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these kicks chuck norris roundhouse kick puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Kicks Jokes and Puns

Dead Baby Jokes?

A mother who has just given birth waits expectantly for the nurse to return so she can hold her baby. A few minutes pass, and the nurse enters with the baby in her hands. The nurse then drops the baby on the ground, stomps on it's head and kicks it out of the window. The mother starts screaming 'My baby, my baby!!'
The nurse looks at the lady and says 'April Fools! He was already dead!'

I was a professional boxer.

Then I picked up Muay Thai just for kicks.

How do you call it when a girl kicks a boy in the groin during the first date?

Premature emasculation.

Kicks joke, How do you call it when a girl kicks a boy in the groin during the first date?

String

A piece of string walks into a bar and takes a seat.

The bartender says to the piece of string "We don't serve your kind around here!" and kicks the string out of the bar.

The string gathers his composure, messes his hair up, and ties himself in a knot. He then resumes his seat at the bar.

The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out?"

The string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

vote up if My favorite snail joke

A old man is eating dinner and he hears a knock on the door. He says "GET AWAY!" he hears another knock. So he finally gets up and goes to the door and sees a snail. The Man then gets angry and kicks him across the street. 3 weeks later the man is eating dinner and hears another knock he goes to the door and the snail is there and says " What was that for?"


Three fishermen

Bob, Steve, and Terry are out in the boat, fishing and drinking beer. Terry stands up to pee over the side but falls overboard and sinks right to the bottom.

Steve doesn't hesitate. He kicks off his shoes and dives into the water after Terry. A few moments later, he surfaces, dragging the body behind, and immediately begins mouth-to-mouth.

"Jeez," he gasps. "Terry sure does have bad breath!"

"Yeah," says Bob. "And where did he get that snowmobile suit?"

A snail walks into a bar...

A snail walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. But the bartender says "We don't serve your kind here!" So the bartender kicks out the snail. A few weeks later the same snail walks into the bar and says to the bartender "Why did you throw me out?!"

Kicks joke, A snail walks into a bar...

The English and the Scots.

A Englishman and a Scot are walking along the beach when the Englishman kicks over a lamp and a genie appears. He grants them one wish each. The Englishman says "I wish a hundred foot tall and 100 feet wide wall surrounded England, and no-one can get in or out." The genie snaps his fingers and says "It is done." He then turns to the Scot, who says "Fill it with water."

Kanye joins One Direction as a replacement for Zayn...

He kicks everyone out of the band and says: "If there's only one direction, it's West."

I play soccer...

Just for kicks

Chuck Norris got a new pair of shoes

Roundhouse kicks

You can explore kicks squarely reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean kicks how to get kicked out of bed dad jokes. There are also kicks puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


You hear about those robbers who steal shoes for fun?

It's how they get their kicks.

An Asian guy, Hispanic guy, white guy, black guy and their pilot are on a plane...

Suddenly the plane loses control and the pilot says, "If three people jump off, the rest can survive.
The Asian guy goes "This is for my people" and jumps off.
The Hispanic guy goes "This is for my people" and jumps off.
The black guy goes "This is for my people", and kicks the white guy off the plane.

Argon walks into a bar

The bartender kicks him out.
Argon doesn't react.

It's quiet...too quiet...

Did you hear about the woman who couldn't find a singing partner?

She had to buy a duet yourself kit...

*-drops mic-*

*-mike jumps up and promptly kicks hatter in the shin-*

I'm surprised that the UK left the EU by voting.

Most of the time they leave on penalty kicks.

Kicks joke, I'm surprised that the UK left the EU by voting.

the new United Airlines Olympics commercial is really good

But they forgot the part where Ryan Lochte kicks down the cockpit door and pees all over the flight deck.

The student asked his sensei: "Why do you fight using only your feet?"

Oh, y'know. For kicks.

Local Hero saves lady from Dog

A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl! He kicks the dog, it dies!

Newspapers report: "Local Hero saves lady from Dog"

Man says I'm not American

Report changed: "Foreign Hero Saves girl from Dog"

Man says: Actually I'm Pakistani

Breaking News: "Terrorist killed Innocent Dog which was playing with a girl"


I don't get football....

At the beginning of the game, they flip a quarter to see who kicks off first. Then the rest of the game everybody just keeps trying to "get the quarter back". I mean, it's just a quarter, what's the big deal!?!

A guy walks up to me and asks "What's Punk?"

So I kick over a garbage can and say "That's punk!" So he kicks over the garbage can and says "That's Punk?" and I say "No that's trendy!"

A piece of string walks into a bar...

And the bartender kicks him out while yelling "I don't serve your kind in here, string!" The string really wanted a drink though, so he bent over and rubbed his head on the ground for a bit. Then he ties himself in a bow and walks back inside. The bartender sees him and immediately starts yelling "Aren't you that same string I just kicked out?!" To which the string replies "No sir, I'm a frayed knot".

Whenever I get high with friends, my anxiety kicks in

I hate rock climbing

Frigid Wife

I have a friend who says his wife is so frigid that when he finally gets her legs spread, the furnace kicks on.

Three burglars are running from the police

They go into a dark alley and hide in three sacks. The police look around and one of them kicks the first sack and the burglar goes "meow", "just cats" he thinks. He then kicks the second one and the the second burglar goes " meow" so the police pass it off as more cats. He then kicks the last sack and the burglar says "potatoes".

Two chemists walk into a bar...

The first chemist says "I'll have some H20"

The second chemist says, "I'll have some H20 as well."

The first chemist kicks himself as his assassination attempt fails.

Two pregnant women are talking about their future babies

"I feel like my girl will be an athlete, she kicks so much in there it's unbelieavable!"

"Oh, I'm sure mine will be a comedian."

"How can you be so sure?"

"You wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke."

A Helium enters to a bar of elements...

The bartender just kicks him out saying he's too noble to be there.

But he didn't react.

A very drunk man walks in to a pub

He tells the bartender "bartender, I want a drink. In fact, give everyone in here a drink on me. You have a drink with us, too." The bartender serves everyone a drink of their choosing and himself then hands the drunk man the bill. The drunk man pats himself down looking for his wallet and says "it appears I've misplaced my wallet." The bartender gets upset, grabs the drunk man by his neck, drags him out back and kicks the ever-lovin-shit out of the drunk man. A few minutes later the drunk man walks in and says "Bartender, I'm buying another drink for everyone in here. But not you. You get mean when you drink."

An artist lives next to a Marsh.

Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches that quickly incapacitates all the robbers.
"Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realised you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."

Horse race

A man has a racehorse who never won a race.

Man in disgust says," Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning."

The starting gate opens, the horses take-off, they move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the track.

He kicks the horse and asks, "WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING"

The horse, half asleep says, "I have to get up at three in the morning."

Three boys are hanging around a farm trying to get a glimpse of the farmer's daughter showering.

The farmer notices them and he grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each in one sack. The farmer arrives at the barn, and notices the 3 sacks.

He kicks one. From the sack, a sound comes out: Meow!

"Must be a cat." He moves on.

Kicks the second sack: Woof! Woof!!

"Must be a dog." He moves on.

He kicks the third sack: The sack says: "Potatoes!"

A nun is doing her rounds around town. . .

. . .when she turns the corner near a bar, only to collide with a mean-looking, stumbling drunk. The drunk flies into a rage, and punches her in the face. He then kicks her square in the gut, and begins to brutally pummel her head and face as she doubles over.

Within a minute, she is reduced to a quivering, sobbing mess on the sidewalk. The drunk spits on the nun, and sneers.

"Yeah. . .not so fuckin' tough NOW, eh Batman?"

What is a ghosts favorite pair of kicks?

BOOst

Pumped up kicks

Everyone was having a great time at the school art fair until a kid decided to draw a gun.

I can't take taekwondo seriously..

I just do it for kicks.

An english man, an irish man and a scottish man are running away from the police.

An english man, an irish man and a scottish man are running away from the police. They find 3 sacks and hide in them. The police man approaches the sacks and kicks the first one. The English man barks like a dog. The police man kicks the next one and the Scottish man screams like a cat. The policeman kicks the next one and the Irish man says "sack of potatoes".

My friend really enjoys stealing trainers.

That's what he does for kicks.

I joined a Karate class and told the Sensei I wanted to learn how to do roundhouse kicks.

He asked me how flexible I was and I replied I can't train on Wednesday and Fridays.

An elephant is drinking out of a river

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

"Why did you do that?" Asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory." Says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

A man walks into a talent agency with his dog claiming it can talk. The agent says, ok, let's see if this dog is gonna make us rich . The guy says, Fido, what's the top of a house called ? Roof! What's on a tree ? Bark! How does sandpaper feel ? Ruff!

The talent agent tells the man off and kicks him out of his office. As the man and the dog are walking down the street the dog looks up at the man and says, Gee Bob, maybe you should have asked some harder questions .

What fish always wins a fight.

A barracuda. That fish kicks bass

10 underage jokes walk into a bar

They approach the bartender to ask for drinks and he says I'm going to need to see some ID, however, I'm an expert at detecting fake ID's, and if you have one I'm kicking you out. So he checks all 10 of their ID's, which are fake, and kicks all of them out.

Another bartender approaches and says What happened, why did you kick out all of those jokes? To which the original replies I checked to see if they had real ID's, and no pun in ten did.

A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e

*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.

I'll be at Barnes and Noble signing books

from 7pm EST, until whenever security catches me and kicks me out

Snail joke (oldie but goodie)

A snail walks into a bar, hops up on the bar stool
and orders a Jack & Coke. The bartender says sorry no snails allowed here ....and the bartender kicks out the snail.

2 weeks later the snail finally re-enters the bar again and asks: what the f*ck did you do that for ?

A very drunk guy starts beating up a nun on the street

He throws kicks, uppercuts, regular punches, even some drunk karate moves.



Once he is exhausted he steps back and says "You disappoint me, Batman"

A drunk man is shouting "twenty five" while

Looking at the open manhole infront of him....
Another man comes seeing the drunk man shouting
"Twenty five" again and again while looking inside the open manhole.he asks why he is doing that...
Drunk man doesn't replies....
He keeps shouting "twenty five" while ignoring what other man says.
Man gets curious whats inside manhole.he leans over to see whats in. But the drunk man kicks him inside the manhole....
Drunk man after that..." Twenty six......"

A snail walks into a bar

The snail sits down on a bar stool and orders a double Jack & Coke. The bartender says, sorry, we have a strict policy on no snails in this bar .... so then the bartender kicks the snail out.

5 days later, the snail comes back in, sits on a bar stool and says to the bartender what the f*ck did you do that for ?

This guy hears a knock. Opens his door and looks down, and he sees a snail.

Snail says, Hello, sir, I was wondering if -

The guy interrupts the snail and says, Get lost! and kicks the snail across the yard, and goes back inside.

Seven months later, the guy hears a knock. Open his door looks down, and sees the snail.

Snail says:

What the hell did you do that for?

Jane is on her honeymoon with Tarzan.

He lays stiff in bed awkwardly staring at the roof of the treehouse. "Have you ever had sex?" She asks, he stands up and points out the window, "when Tarzan horny, Tarzan poke hole in tree."

She walks over to him and says "Just do the same, pretend i'm the tree." He nods, and swiftly kicks her between the legs. "WTF was that?" She shrieks in pain.. "Tarzan always check for squirrels"

A blonde, redhead, and brunette are all on the run from the cops...

They find an abandoned potato factory and each hide in a huge brown sack. The cops arrive and kick the first sack. The redhead yells, "Woof! Woof"! to imitate a dog. The captain says, "Leave it be! We don't need some dog out here biting our ankles". A cop kicks the second sack, and the brunette says, "Meow!" The captain says, "Leave it be! I don't want some cat out here scratching our faces". A cop kicks the last sack, and the blonde says, "Potatoes!"

A man walks into a bar with a talking dog

He tells the bartender my dog can talk!

The bartender says Oh yeah? Let's hear him!

He asks the dog what is on top of a house?

The dog says roof!

The bartender is not buying it, so the guy says what is the outer covering of a tree called?

The dog says bark!

The bartender gets really mad and kicks the guy and his dog out of the bar.

Sitting on the curb, the dog turns to the guy and says what was that all about?

A Horse Walks Into A Bar…

The Bartender says, Why the long face?
The Horse, not knowing the English language, shits all over the floor and kicks the bartender with its back leg and leaves.

Two brothers are fighting…

… in front of their mother and it starts to turn violent. The mother tries to intervene and stop the fight. The younger brother who is taking the brunt of the hits gets frustrated that he couldn't get as many punches his brother landed says, Step aside bitch . The elder brother hearing this gets angry and kicks him and says, How dare you call Mom a bitch, you son of a bitch!!

What do you get if a dinosaur kicks you in the backside?

Megasoreass

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the kicks knock jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working kicks three kick rule piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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