Kick Jokes

What are some Kick jokes?

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

I was kicked out of the house for my bad impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger. But that didn't faze me. As I left, I told 'em...

"I'll be returning"

I got kicked out of the library today...

Apparently putting the feminism books in the sci-fi section was not acceptable.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he kicked the bucket.

'How far do you reckon I can kick this bucket?'

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.

I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)

Great success.

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

If I was invisible for a day...

I'd kick a mime artist to death.

I'll never forget

I'll never forget what my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket.

"Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

"My first son has a PHD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and jornalism and my youngest son is a burglar."

Friend: "Wow a burglar? You should kick him out!"

Dad: "Nah... he is the only one who makes money."

Aids or Alzheimer's

A man takes his wife to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, its either aids or alzheimers."

"What do you mean?" the guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Well, the two look a lot alike in the early stages." said the doctor, "Tell you what, drive her way out into the country. Once your there kick her out of the car. If she finds her way back, don't have sex with her."

An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts and says, "Hey! You can't do that!" The girl asks, "Why not?" And the cop says, "Because this is the punchline."

I remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket...

"Hey, how far do you reckon I could kick this bucket?"

I remember the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket...

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

The last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket

Hey, son. Check out how far I can kick this bucket

Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.

Because actions speak louder than words

Grandpas last words before he kicked the bucket

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

Health Class

Three boys received their grades from their sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.

"I agree. But what should we do?" said the second.

"I've got it!" said the third. "We can kick her in the nuts!"

I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said,

"Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

Why is Bruce Lee so good at telling jokes?

Because if his punch line doesn't work, you still get a kick out of it.

I got kicked out of the swimming pool today.

Apparently the breast stroke isn't what I thought it was.

Why wont Demi Lovato play soccer?

She cant seem to kick anything

I was kicked out of the army when they caught me masturbating.

They said it was a dishonorable discharge.

I've been trying to kick my roommates out for months now.

But they keep insisting that I call them my parents.

I got kicked out of the library today

I got kicked out of the library for putting the women's rights book in the fiction section

Was kicked out of Walmart today.

When I walked in I saw a "Wet Floor" sign. So I did.

How do you trap an elephant?

Well first you dig a really big hole. Then put dry leaves and wood in the hole and light them on fire. Wait for the fire to go out. Then cover the hole with leaves and wait for the elephant to walk by it.
Then, sneak up behind the elephant, and when it least expects it, kick it in the ash hole

Donald Trump wants to become President

This is not the first time he has tried to kick a black family out of their home.


Credit : Snoop Dogg

I was kicked out of my church for suggesting Jesus may have spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith.

I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it

The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.

"But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.

"But not while standing on the diving board!"

I still remember what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket

How far do you think I can kick this bucket?  

Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?

This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to have another baby. However, a man who has taken a kick to the jewels...

I was kicked out of the army because I got gonorrhea

It was a dishonorable discharge

I got kicked off a plane today.

All I did was greet my friend Jack whom I haven't seen in years.

Sex Education

Two boys get their report cards and notice that they both got Fs from their sex education teacher.

"I can't believe we failed sex ed," says the first boy. "My dad's gonna kill me."

"I know," says the other. "I'm so mad I could kick Mrs. Wilson in the nuts!"

Pilot Choice

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

A man comes to the entrance of Heaven

A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told, "You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."

The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and confronted them. I walked up to the biggest looking dude and slapped him and said, 'You need to leave this young lady alone, or I'm going to kick your ass!'"

The man at the entrance to heaven asked him, "When did this happen?"

The guy replies, "About five minutes ago."

A Jets fan walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Hey bud, no pets allowed in here."

The man says, "But wait! This is a special dog, you have to turn on the game to see. When the Jets score, my dog does flips!"

Sure enough, when the bartender turns on the game, the Jets make a few field goals and the dog starts flipping and jumping after each kick.

"Wow," said the bartender, amazed, "that's great! What does he do when they score a touchdown?"

"I don't know, I've only had him for two years."

Me and a friend..

Walk into a pet store and the employee asks "Anything that I can help you find?" and then proceeded to kick us out. apparently dinner wasn't the right answer.

Two homosexuals bumped into each other one day in Bondi Junction.

After their customary intimate greeting, one of them asked the other, "Fabian, have you stopped smoking?"

When Fabian replied in the affirmative, his chum asked him how he had managed to kick the habit.

Explained Fabian, "It was easy really. Everytime I felt like a cigarette, I`d just suck on a lifesaver."

Replied his friend, "Well - lucky you live near the beach."

I got kicked out of my gym in the middle of kickboxing class

Turns out they do not have kickboxing classes.

How do you circumcise a red-neck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

Whats the best way to castrate a priest?

Kick the alter boy in the chin

When is it okay to kick a midget?

When he compliments how nice your girlfriends hair smells.

How do Welsh farmers practice safe sex?

Spray a red 'X' on the back of ones that kick.

My Spanish-speaking students got a kick out of this one.

Q: What do you call a person who speaks 3 languages?
A: (Try to elicit responses..) Tri-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks two languages?
A: (Many of them know this one) Bi-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks one language?
A: An American!

Got kicked out of Barnes and Noble for moving the "Caution Wet Floor" sign to the Fifty Shades of Gray aisle.

I'll always remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket

Hey, look how far I can kick this bucket!

I was kicked out of the house by my Asian parents

because I got an O for my blood test instead of an A+.

I thought of this joke myself, but I'm not sure if someone else made it earlier than me.

How to catch a polar bear

This is the first joke I ever told my grandpa(I was so little I don't even remember it) but he told everyone he could about it up to the day he passed.

Do you know how to catch a polar bear grandpa?

No I don't short-stuff, how do you catch one?

You cut a hole in the ice and line it with peas, and when the polar bear goes to take a pea.
you kick him in the ice-hole.

He passed away 15 years ago this month and I still smile whenever I remember this joke.

I got kicked out of the conga festival

I don't blame them. I was way out of line.

There once was a women who had a hundred children..

There once was a woman who had a hundred children. She named each of them after numbers, in the order they were born. All of them died except for Ninety.

Ninety went off to have some children of her own. Her kids were very kind, and one day they found an injured dog. They took the dog home but never told their mother, fearing she would kick the dog out. In fact, they never told anyone about the dog. To further keep the puppy secret from the world, they named the dog This, so that its name could be used in conversation without arousing suspicion.

One day the dog ran away, and they never saw This again. But nobody else knew about This. Nobody knew that a dog named This had even existed.

Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

I will always remember what my Dad told me before he kicked the bucket

He said "Hey. How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

How do ISIS members practice safe sex?

they mark the camels that kick

A farmer's wife is cooking breakfast for the family

The wife serves the farmer's breakfast first, then the farmer's daughter, then a plate for herself, and calls the family down. The farmer's son enters, and sees that he's been given nothing, and he protest, "Where's my eggs? My bacon? My milk?"

The wife replies, "I saw you kick the chickens, earlier so no eggs for a week. I also saw you kick the pig, so no bacon for a week. And I saw you kick the cow, so no milk for a week."

Just then the farmer walks in, kicking the cat as he enters. The boy looks to his mother, "should you tell him or should I?"

An old favorite for this festive day

A woman wakes up in a hospital bed to find that she's been in a coma after a car accident. She sees a doctor next to her and quickly asks him, Where is my son? He was really good at soccer, and had a long career ahead of him."

The doctor replies, I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg. He won't be able to kick a soccer ball any more.

The woman asks about her daughter. Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at the US Open.

The doctor says, Sorry but in the accident she lost her arm and she won't be able to pick up a racket any more.

She begins to cry.

Doctor, asks the woman, how long have I been in this coma?

The doctor replies, Six months.

So what's the date? asks the woman.

April 1st, says the doctor.

The woman begins to laugh So you were joking then, were you?

Doctor: YES… they both died on impact.

What do you you say when a monk tries to kick you out of the monastery ?

Namaste

How to make Kick jokes?

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