The Best 50 Kgb Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Kgb jokes. There are some kgb kremlin jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these kgb stalin puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Kgb Jokes and Puns

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

What are you reading, old man? he asks.

I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.

I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.

How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to hell? asks the KGB agent.

I already speak Russian."

Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.

Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.

Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.

"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!" Says a man in the third row.

Stalin looks at the man and says; "Bless you."

A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."

"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."

Why did KGB officers always travel in threes?

One who could read, one who could write, and the third to watch over those two dangerous intellectuals.

Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it...

One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"


The CIA, KGB and MI6 decide to have a contest.

Each is given the task to find a rabbit
realeased in the woods.

The CIA uses spyplanes and satellites and finds the rabbit in 2 hours.

The MI6 deploys recon and search teams and finds it in 3 hours.

The KGB return after 1 hour with a badly beaten bear who cries out "I am the rabbit and I surrender".

The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment, when they discover a hard drive labelled KGB .

One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?

Stalin loses his pipe...

...he tells the KGB chairman to find Stalin's pipe.

Three days later, Stalin finds his pipe under a sofa. He calls the chairman to tell him that he can call off the search.

Upon telling him the news, the chairman said: "But that's impossible! Three people have already confessed to stealing the pipe!"

A russian went out of Stalin's office and says to himself

This stupid mustached man.
A KGB officer hears him and grabs him to stalin and tells him what he heard.
Stalin to the man: who did you mean when you said "mustached man".
The man: Hitler of course.
stalin to the KGB officer: And who YOU thought he was referring to?

In Russia, we have only two TV channels; Channel one is Soviet propaganda...

Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.

A Jew living in the Soviet Union applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.

As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.

I see that you applied to move to Israel? asks the KGB officer. The Jewish man nods.

Here in the USSR, don't you have food to eat?

Yeah, I can't complain.

And here in the USSR, don't you have place to live?

Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.

And here in the USSR, don't you have job to work at?

Yeah, I can't complain.

So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?

Because There I can complain!

You can explore kgb bolshevik reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean kgb comrade dad jokes. There are also kgb puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...

The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.

The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."

The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...

a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there's banging on his door. It's the KGB.

You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?

He nods.

Here in Russia, you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.

And here in Russia, you have place to live?

Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.

And here in Russia, you have job to work at?

Yeah, I can't complain.

So, Jew, why you apply to move to Israel?

Because *There* I can complain!

How can you tell which Russian olympic spectators are actually KGB agents?

The ones with food.

MI6, CIA and KGB are competing against each other...

Last competition. The mission is to find a bear in a 10000 sq/km forest
MI6 goes first. Using dogs and 1000 agents they have found a bear in 12 hours.
CIA goes next. Using satellites and heatvisors they found a bear in 6 hours
KGB goes last. Two agents enters a forest and came out of it in 5 minutes. One of them is holding a rabbit by his ears.
Judges- And?
One KGB agent hits a rabbit.
Rabbit - ok ok i confess i'm a bear!!!

A Soviet Jew applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.

As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.

I see that you want to move to Israel? asks the KGB interrogator. The Jewish man nods.

Here in the USSR, don't you have food to eat?

Yeah, I can't complain.

And here in the USSR, don't you have place to live?

Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.

And here in the USSR, don't you have job to work at?

Yeah, I can't complain.

So, Jew, why do you want to move to Israel?

Because There I can complain!

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".

He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".

He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."

The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".

Ancient Soviet joke

Guy turns on the TV and there's Brezhnev making a speech. He changes the channel, there's Brezhnev again, and tries again and on the next channel is a KGB officer saying - 'You'd better stop changing channels'.

Kennedy's USSR joke

A man runs into the the Kremlin yelling, "the Premiere is an idiot the Premiere is an idiot".
The man was immidetaly arrested by the KGB and sentenced to 23 years in prison.
3 years for insulting a high ranking member of the party and 20 years for divulging a state secret.


Leonid Brezhnev, Soviet General Secretary, calls his head of the KGB, Yuri Andropov, into his office...

Brezhnev: "Comrade, how many Jews do we have in the Soviet Union?"

Andropov: "Approximately five million, Comrade."

Brezhnev: "And how many Jews do you think would leave if we allowed them to?"

Andropov: "Approximately 20 million, Comrade."

A group of Soviet tourists takes express-lesson of Italian before departure.

-Write a couple of phrases in Italian - tour guide says - such as: ''How much does lemonade cost?'', ''Where is the pharmacy?''

One of the tourists asks:
-How do I say ''Please, provide me a political asylum''?

-What have you just said? - asks another tourist seriously.

-Nevermind, just wanted to know which one of you is our KGB senior for this trip.

KGB Joke. Because we don't have enough Soviet era humor

Natasha is walking down street in Moscow and sees KGB friend Boris walking toward her.

Natasha says, Is that gun in pocket or are you just happy to see me.

Shot rings out and Natasha falls dead on street.

Was gun.

Q. "Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?"

A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."

The date is January 31, 1990, and the Soviet Union has opened its first McDonalds...

A KGB agent walks up to the front and asks, One vodka, please.

The woman at the register looks and says, Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don't serve vodka.

The KGB agent looks surprised and says, Excuse me, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.

The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest

The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest to see who can find a white rabbit in the forest

The CIA comes in first place, finding the rabbit in fourteen hours. They used contacts, thermal vision, and satellites.

MI5 comes in second place, finding the rabbit in 24 hours using much of the same tactics

The KGB comes in last place. In one hour, they produced a bear, near beaten to death, who said "OK, OK, I admit it, I am a rabbit."

Recruit at the KGB

The KGB had found their newest recruit, but before he could join, he had to go through three tests. First, he had to down an entire bottle of vodka in one sitting, then shake hands with a bear, then seduce and sleep with a lady. The recruit easily downs the vodka in a matter of seconds, then is put in a cage with a bear. Intense screaming, bear growling, and shouting can be heard for the duration of 20 minutes, but the cage goes quiet and recruit finally emerges from the cage, bruised up and covered in claw marks. He then asks, "so where's this lady I'm supposed to shake hands with?"

An old man sat studying on a bench near the Kremlin

A KGB agent walking by looked at him suspiciously
but passed by
But an hour and 2 more times passing later the agent asked "Why are u sitting here so long and what are u doing?
Old man replied "I am an old man and Don't expect to live much longer. I want to go to heaven and as u know they speak Hebrew in heaven so I am learning the language now
To this the agent replied "Ha if u go to hell? Then what?"
The old man replied "I am already fluent in Russian"

Putin is asked by an interviewer, "Vladimir Vladimirovich, how did you get in the KGB?"

Putin replies, "You see, when I was a young man, I would listen to my friends tell political jokes and would write them down."

"Jokes?" asks the interviewer

"Not only jokes, but also the names of the joke tellers."

My uncle spoke of his time in Soviet Russia back in the day

He said there were only 2 channels on TV. He said Channel 1 was propaganda, and channel 2 was a KGB pointing a Kalashnikov at the screen saying "Turn back to channel 1!"

Three Russians are telling jokes about Stalin.

Three Russians are telling jokes about Stalin. After lots of laughs, suddenly one of them pulls out a KGB card and says: ยซ you two are coming with me! ยป

The second pulls out a KGB card and says: ยซ Not me! ยป

The third one pulls one also and says: ยซ comrades, there are too many of us around here! ยป

Why do KGB agents make such good taxi drivers?

You get in and they already know your name and where you live.

What happened to the dead KGB agent?

Nothing. He just fell off the balcony.

The Soviet Union had two TV channels

One was propaganda,

and the other was a KGB agent telling you to turn back to the propaganda

During Soviet times, the USSR had two TV channels

On the first one, there was propaganda.
On the second one, a KGB agent appeared and said "Switch back to the first channel".

why do kgb agents work in groups of three?

one reads, another writes and the third keeps an eye on these 2 intellectuals

KGB is Always Watching!

One night man tries escape from gulag.
Makes his way to cabin in middle of tundra. Inside is plain, but many family pictures on walls. He falls asleep. In middle of night he is put in sack and dragged out. The next morning he is shot like dog.
Pictures are windows. KGB always watching.

Why did so many KGB officers become cab drivers after the fall of the USSR?

It was very practical! You just had to tell them your name and they already knew your address.

The Russian election system

Where citizens choose between Vladimir Putin or a KGB firing squad.

What was the tallest building in the Soviet Union?

KGB Headquarters. You could see Siberia from the basement.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

KGB!

KGB who?

...*We* will be asking questions, comrade.

Knock - Knock

Who's there?
KGB
KGB, who?
(slapping the person)
ONLY KGB ASKS THE QUESTIONS HERE!

In Soviet Russia, a frightened man goes to the KGB: "My talking parrot has gone missing!"

The KGB officer replies: "This is not something we handle. Go to the criminal police for your parrot."

"No, no, Comrade Major - I am here to tell you I disagree with everything it says!"

Roses are red,

So is my flag
I am KGB agent
Get in GULAG

Back in 1950's Egypt...

Nasser wanted to know the age of a ancient statue that had been recently excavated. He went up to his KGB advisers and asked if their technicians could help. Just a few hours later, one of the KGB men told Nasser "The statue is just about 5,000 years old." Nasser was very impressed and asked "How did you Russians figure that out? My best archaeologists were dumbfounded by that one!" The Russian told Nasser "He confessed."

What do Marie Curies Notebooks and a defected KGB agent have in common?

They both won't be investigated very closely.

Why did the KGB trainee fail?

Poor Marx.

Two Russian kgb operatives are also in a tank

One turns to the other and says "gurgle gurgle" and they both drown...

An old russian joke

A love-stricken young man rings his beloved and tells her -- "My sweetest, I would like to tell you something special, something truly intimate, something that I wish to remain shared only between the three of us: you, me, and the KGB officer who eavesdrops on our phone line"...

What do you call a Russian bee that wont talk?

KGB

Americans shouldn't be surprised that Trump sided with Putin

because that's what you get for putting a KGB agent up against a KFC agent.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the kgb mi6 jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working kgb gru piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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