Keys Jokes
165 keys jokes and hilarious keys puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about keys that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Have you ever lost the keys that were so important to you? If so, you'll love these jokes about keys! Lost car keys, lost house keys, Florida Keys, piano keys, keyboard keys, and more - find yourself laughing about your annoyance over losing keys with these hilarious jokes!
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Funniest Keys Short Jokes
Short keys jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The keys humour may include short keyboard jokes also.
- Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00? Those are the pie rates of the carribean.
- I accidentally locked my keys in my car in front of an abortion clinic... They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.
- I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic They get really angry if you go in and ask for a coat hanger
- What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.
- What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? A key!
This is one of the oldest jokes ever recorded. It was found in a 10th century book of Anglo Saxon poetry. - What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of a Planned Parenthood? Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.
- My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week. My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.
- Every time I put my key in the ignition, a light comes on that says, "depress clutch to start." So I lean down and tell the clutch, "Everybody likes brake and accelerater better than you."
- If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly. Because communication is key.
- What's worse than locking your keys in your car at the abortion clinic? When you have to go back in and ask for a coat hanger.
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Keys One Liners
Which keys one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with keys? I can suggest the ones about locks and tools.
- I love the smell of my f5 key... It is very refreshing
- Someone keyed the music teacher's car Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor
- Why do spies never use capitalization? They like to stay low-key.
- What do prison and the shift key have in common they both turn your "o" into an "O"
- There are 3 keys to make a good joke CTRL, C and V
- v v
EDIT*: Looks like my CTRL key is broken - I'm pretty sure my F5 key isn't working anymore I keep seeing the same jokes on here
- Why did no one notice Thor's brother? Because he was low-key
- I went to a store that sells door locks for little people. Low key, it was pretty nice.
- I love the F5 key... It's very refreshing.
- I smashed up my keyboard and couldnt find the last key I lost Ctrl
- What type of key opens a banana? A monkey :3
- Did Thor ever mention he had a brother? He was very low-key about it.
- What is Roy Moore's favorite piano key? A minor
- I'm obsessed with my F1 key. I think I need help.
Car Keys Jokes
Here is a list of funny car keys jokes and even better car keys puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do locking your keys in the car and getting your girlfriend pregnant have in common? Both are easily fixed with a coat hanger.
- What's the worst thing about accidentally locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.
- I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.
- I made a car entirely out of pencils, rubbers, rulers and notebooks. Went to turn the key.. Stayed stationary.
- Why couldn't Elon Musk enter his house? Because his door was locked and he left the keys in his car.
- The fireman looked at my burning car and said, Any idea how it started? I said, I just had to use my keys.
- If I locked my keys in my car outside of a abortion clinic... Would it be awkward to go inside and ask for a wire hanger?
- What would happen if you have a wooden car, with a wooden engine, and with a wooden key? That car wooden start.
- One time I got so high, I was driving around looking for my car keys.
- Locking your keys in the car is a lot like getting your girlfriend pregnant. A coat hanger should take care of the problem.
Piano Keys Jokes
Here is a list of funny piano keys jokes and even better piano keys puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the accordion player say to the piano player? "You got the keys, but I’ve got the squeeze."
- I paid a fish to come over to re-key my guitar, piano and drums. He was a professional tuna.
- A man broke the Guinness World Record by playing the same piano key 1,000 times in 1 minute He then went home and broke the world record for most satisfied girlfriend.
- Have you heard of the piano-playing spy? Neither have I. He's very low-key.
- During my piano recital, some of the black keys stopped working. It was a flat out disaster.
- What is the biggest key when moving a piano up a flight of stairs? Be sharp or Be flat.
- I saw a Norse god discreetly playing 49Hz notes on a piano in space... I thought to myself: "What a low G low G low key low key Loki."
- If you drop a piano down a mineshaft, what in what key will it play when it lands? A flat minor.
- In what key do ghosts play the piano? In the spoo-key.
- I can't believe I was late to my own piano recital. I just couldn't find my keys
Keys Keyboard Jokes
Here is a list of funny keys keyboard jokes and even better keys keyboard puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I ran into the office this morning and switched the m and n keys on as many keyboards as I could. Some might call me a monster but Others are definitely going to call ne a nomster
- Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid? Because the & is near
- What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard? Just turn off sticky keys
- What is an aliens favorite keyboard key The space key
- HEY, HOW ARE YOU? - Dude, press the Caps Lock key on your keyboard!
- WOW, THIS IS MUCH BETTER, I DON'T HAVE TO HOLD DOWN SHIFT ANYMORE - Where do all the keyboard keys get drunk? Where do all the keyboard keys get drunk? At the space bar.
- I thought I spilled coffee all over my keyboard. My keyboard still works fine except one key. The spill was under control.
- People keep asking me why my keyboard keys keep falling off. It's not like I have any Ctrl.
- Why was there keyboard so sad? It's keys were depressed.
- What is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard? Space!
Lost Keys Jokes
Here is a list of funny lost keys jokes and even better lost keys puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you get when you cross a beginner accordion player with a GPS? A lost musician who can’t find the right key.
- they'll never listen to us Wife: I lost my keys again
Me: Its in your jeans
Wife: Don't drag my family into this - This actually happened My brother has a lockbox and lost the key, so he said to me "Zaent, can you pick a lock?", I replied "Give me two and I'll pick one."
- Women never listen properly Wife: I lost my keys
Man: Its in your jeans
Wife: Dont drag my family into this. - Why did the musician break into song? Because he lost the key.
- What did the melon say to his wife when he lost his keys? Honeydew you know where my keys are?
- My laptop is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
- Son: Dad is something lost when you know where it is? Dad: No, son
Son:Good, your car keys are at the bottom of the well - In class, Jose is asked to use the word "Cherokee" in a sentence. He pauses and says, "I lost my house key and now I have to Cherokee with my sister."
- Someone keeps taking my task manager combination keys off my keyboards. I've lost all control, and I have not alternative but to delete this horrible joke.
Florida Keys Jokes
Here is a list of funny florida keys jokes and even better florida keys puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- "Where are my keys?" -Florida
- a mexican was kidnapped and taken to one of the florida keys as prisoner, one day he found a phone and was able to contact the authorities, when asked where he was, he said: Akey
- I heard that people who live in Florida are some of the most untrusting people in the country... Maybe that's why they hide their keys in the ocean.
Charming Humor Keys Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about keys you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean titles jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make keys pranks.
2 blondes in the rain...
2 blondes are leaving a bar when it starts pooring down rain. The first blonde realizes that she left the keys in the car and tries picking the lock. After a couple minutes of trying to open the door, the second blonde freaks out and says, "Hurry up! It's raining cats and dogs and the convertable top is down!"
Frodo collected the keys to Macy's, JCPenney, McDonald's, etc. and put them on a single key ring
It was one ring to rule the mall.
Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......
.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.
A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.
Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.
Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.
The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"
"No, I'm not," says the man.
"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"
"I'm tonight's DD."
"Designated Driver?"
"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."
A minister and a lawyer at the pearly gates.
A minister and a lawyer arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter greeted both of them and gave them their room assignments.
"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, sir, (to the lawyer) the keys to our finest p**... suit."
"This is unfair!" cried the minister.
"Listen," Saint Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first lawyer we've seen."
A bass player runs into a bar...
where the guitar player and the singer are busy setting up. Breathless, he says "We've got a big problem! I locked my keys in the van!" "Whatever, man" says the singer, "We've got a gig to do, we'll worry about it later." "No, you don't understand" said the bassist, "the drummer is trapped inside!"
A Blond walks into a gas station...
and asks the employee: "I locked my keys in the car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
Ten minutes later a trucker comes in and can't stop laughing. So the employee asks him why he is laughing. The trucker says: "There is a Blond who tries to open her car with a coat hanger!" The employee: "So what? This could happen to anyone." Trucker: "Sure, but usually there isn't another Blond in the car who yells: a little more right / a little more left! "
Borrowed Car
One day Phil had to borrow a car, so he asked his friend Bob. Bob said that it was fine, so he gave Phil the keys and told him to return them by the end of the day. A week later, Phil hadn't returned the car. Bob called Phil angrily and asked why he hadn't given it back yet. Phil replied, "I drove by your house a bunch of times, but I didn't see your car in the driveway, so I thought you weren't home!"
the most awkward time in my life
Was when I locked my keys in my car and had to walk into the nearby abortion clinic to ask to borrow a coat hanger.
The locked car...
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" His reply: "I know. I already got that side."
Did you hear about the time the bassist locked his keys in his car?
It took like two hours to get the drummer out.
A husband come home, drunk
*Knock knock*
"Honey can you open the door, I don't have my keys"
"No you can go away, you always come home drunk !"
"Please, I have flowers for the most beautiful woman !"
"Sigh" *She open the door*
"Where are the flowers ?" *she ask*
"Where is the most beautiful woman??"
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.
The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."
The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"
The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.
They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out.
They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.
When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.
We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire.
Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies,
"Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"
I had a dog that always used to chase people on motorcycles
In the end I had to take the keys off him
On a bench, in the park, two lovers
are kissing passionately. At some point another man sits down next to them and starts staring at the woman.
Eventually, her partner gets fed up by the staring and tells the other man:
- I haven't seen such insolence in my whole life!
- I'm sorry, I did not mean to disturb you, but I need to ask my wife to give me keys to the house.
what is worse than locking your keys in your car parked at planned parent hood?
going inside to borrow a coat hanger
OJ's son must have been the m**.......
... because when he went to OJ that night to borrow his car keys, OJ said, "..go aXe your mother"
I heard it took at least two elephants to make the keys on my antique piano
I had no idea they were capable of such delicate work.
So there were a lot of celebrities at the DNC including Alicia Keys and Katy Perry. Hillary was excited because they are on her iPod.
Bill was excited because they were on his to-do list.
People tell me that you shouldn't buy bootleg products because the quality isn't very good...
I disagree. I recently purchased a copy of the black keys newest album from a guy on the street. The quality of their #1 hit "Pyrite on the Ceiling" was superb.
So the other day I was standing in a line for an ATM...
There was an old lady there who looked like she had absolutely no clue what she was doing, after a bit of fumbling with the keys, she turned to me and said, "You look like a helpful young lad, Could you help me check my balance."
So I pushed her over.
What do Alicia Keys, Katniss Everdeen, and Joan of Arc all have in common?
They're all girls on fire.
I slipped and fell outside today...
and when I got up, my wallet and keys were missing. Must've been black ice.
Why did the blonde keep coat hangers under her seat?
In case she locks her keys in her car.
The day I can't do my job drunk is the day I hand over my keys
today was my last day as a school bus driver
A Russian alcoholic loses the key to car...
His wife wakes him from his drunken slumber.
"Where are the keys to the car!?" she demands.
"v**...? Whiskey?" he replies.
(read with Russian accent)
My boyfriend looked so excited when I told him I was going to get him an e**... for his birthday!
I couldn't understand why he looked so disappointed when I handed him the keys to his new Ford
There are 2 keys to success
Never tell them everything you know.
They say I play like a prison guitarist
I'm always behind a few bars, and I can never find the right keys
You are in the kitchen. Which one do you let in first?
On one side of the house outside is the dog barking to be let in, and on the other side is your wife who lost her keys screaming to be let in. Which one do you let in first, and why?
The dog - because at least he will shut up as soon as you let him in
How many keys are there to my heart?
Less than three
Me: Well, I've found my keys, but God knows where my wallet is.
God: No, I don't.
i**... and Mikey
There was a father and two sons. The sons were called i**... and Mikey.
They stayed in their apartment while their dad went to the store. Unfortunately, their dad forgot the keys to his car. He shouted to i**..., "Throw my key out of the window!"
And then i**... threw his brother out of the window.
A lunatic seduced the laundry woman ...
A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum.
Next day, the headlines read *Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!*
A drunk is leaving a bar and heads to his car...
A police officer notices the drunk fumbling with the keys and knowing the iminent danger, says to the man, "where do you think you're going like this? You can barely walk!" The man then replies, "I know, that's why I'm driving!"
I had to move my new piano up 5 flights of stairs to my apartment but, as soon as I got to the door, I remembered something
I forgot the Keys
A blonde walked into a gas station...
A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."
"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice. "No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.
It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....
With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!
Back before the internet was so public it was very hard to get to places we take for granted. For instance there used to be a gay internet, strictly for gay people.
To find it you had to hit these keys in this sequence on your keyboard it was "Enter" "Colon" "Pound, pound, pound"
Why do cops make terrible pianist?
They only hit the black keys.
A drummer was standing outside of his car panicking because he accidentally locked his keys inside it.
It was a very hot sunny day and the bassist was still inside the car.
David takes his son to a doctor
David : Doctor, my son has swallowed a pair of keys.
Doctor : When did this happen!?
David : Three months ago.
Doctor : What!? What were you doing till now!?
David : We were using the spare keys.
Two Blondes leave a bar and realize they've locked their keys in the car.
After trying every door, attempting to call someone for help, and further debate, one blonde says to the other I bet I can unlock the doors with a coat hanger! I'll run inside and see if they have one!
The other blonde says Ok, well hurry because it looks like it's going to rain and the top is down!
I thought someone stole my car keys, I looked for hours and was convince someone had grabbed them, later on I felt so s**... because I left them on top of my car
Turns out I lost them on my own accord
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
home invader
A home invader breaks into a house and finds a couple in the bedroom and holds them at gunpoint.
The owner points to the woman and says, "You have to let her go right now.
You can have all the money and jewelry in the house, you can have my credit card and car keys.
You can even shoot me but you have to let her go right now." The gunman says,
"You must really love your wife."
"Yes and she will be home in 20 minutes."
How do you escape from a closed cellar without the keys?
I don't know either, please help me.
I accidentally locked my keys inside my car outside of a planned parenthood
Going inside to ask for a hanger was pretty akward.......
Two blondes are out shopping
When they're done they head back to their convertible, but suddenly realize they locked the keys inside the car.
While they stand there, not knowing what to do, one of the blondes finally has the bright idea to try and pick the lock with her bobby pin.
The other blonde looks up worriedly at the sky and says, "Hurry up! It's about to rain and we left the top down!"
Today I swapped all the m and n keys in the office
Everyone will think I'm a nomster
Renes Descartes goes into a bar
The barkeeper asks him: "You want a beer?"
Descartes agrees and after that he drinks many more.
Later when he is quite drunk he grabs his keys and moves towards his car.
The barkeeper stops him from entering the car and asks him: "Do you really think, driving your state is a good idea?"
Descartes replies: "Yeah, you're right. I don't think..." and abruptly stops existing.
What's your favorite joke that most people don't get?
When I forget my keys, I walk back to grab them and often say to someone nearby, "I drove half way home before I realized I forgot my keys." Rarely does anyone get it.
A King had to go on a war but he was worried that his wife might cheat and leave him
He locked her in her room and gave the keys to his minister and ordered him that if I don't come back in 10 days then she is yours. Then the king left. After 20 mins as he was riding on his fast horse he heard someone coming from behind. He stopped for the man and once the other horse rider came close the king saw that he was his minister. The minister came towards the king.
The king said, "didn't I give you a job to do?"
The minister said, " your highness about that.... the keys you gave me are wrong"
Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."
A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball...
...and rubbed them against the car door.
Magically, it opened!!
"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"
"Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."
Two blondes leave a restaurant and realize they've locked their keys in the car.
The husband fiddles with the door but isn't having any luck.
The wife says I know! I'll run inside and see if they have a coat hanger that we can use to Jimmy the lock!
The husband replies Great idea! But hurry, because it's about to rain and the top is down!
A woman is hugely upset and sobbing because she has locked her keys inside her car.
A passing soldier stops and assures her he can help, she looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens! Amazed she asks him how he did it, "Easy" he says,
"These are my khakis"
There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car...
The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"
The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."
The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"
The other one answered," No, people will think we're too s**... to use the coat hanger."
The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."
A friend was having trouble with her oldschool mechanical typewriter.
She said 'It's great to have such a retro device, however it doesn't work properly'.
I asked 'What is wrong with it?'
She replied 'Well some of the keys get stuck and I have to move them back manually'
'Ah I think I have a solution'
'Please tell me'
'Well what you need to do is press W, D, 4, T, all at once and it should loosen up'.
Got home unannounced from college to find my parents had taken a vacation and not left the keys behind. Not a problem though, all I've got to do is talk to the door lock...
... because communication is key
Why cant you open a piano ?
because the keys are inside
Mercedes for Sale @ $1
Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car.
The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1.
She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.
As the old man was leaving, he said "I would die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?"
The Lady replied "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where all money receievd from sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary".
I encountered a m**... at a bar last night
although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and s**...
we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time
then, she asked me flirtatiously
"have you ever tried a mother-daughter t**... before?"
I said, "Nope, not yet".
She drank a little more, and said, "well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."
So she took me to her place.
She took out her keys
opens her door
turn on the light
and she yells towards upstairs
"Mom, are you still awake？
