Key Jokes

What are some Key jokes?

I love the smell of my f5 key...

It is very refreshing

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key!


This is one of the oldest jokes ever recorded. It was found in a 10th century book of Anglo Saxon poetry.

I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.

I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)

Great success.

A man runs out of petrol

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.

"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.

"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.

After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

`"Try it now,'' said the bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''

"BP,'' answered the bee.

My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

What do prison and the shift key have in common

they both turn your "o" into an "O"

A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.

One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"

Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall

Last night I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend.

I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.

Every time I put my key in the ignition, a light comes on that says, "depress clutch to start."

So I lean down and tell the clutch, "Everybody likes brake and accelerater better than you."

v

v


EDIT*: Looks like my CTRL key is broken

During the crusades a man entrusts his friend with the key to his daughter's chastity belt when he is away...

The man entrusted with the key replies with 'Ah yes sir you can count on me'

The father rides onwards and 30 minutes on into his journey his friend speeds to his company on horseback, and shouts at him 'Sir! You left the wrong key!'

I'm pretty sure my F5 key isn't working anymore

I keep seeing the same jokes on here

A drunk is walking around downtown...

When he walks up to a cop to complain that his car has been stolen.
The cop asks, "Well, where was the last place you saw it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here at the end of this key."
The cop says, "Well, I suggest you go over to the station house and fill out a report."
The drunk starts to walk away when the cop says, "Hey, before you go, you might want to zip your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw, man, they got my girl, too."

What is between moms legs?

One day a boy asked his father, Dad, what is between moms legs?

The father reply, The door to heaven!



Then what is between yours? โ€“ the boy asked. The father said, The key to the door!

Then the boy said, I think you should change the lock because our neighbor has the spare key.

I love the F5 key...

It's very refreshing.

I smashed up my keyboard and couldnt find the last key

I lost Ctrl

So this drunk guy stumbles up to a cop...

And says, excuse me officer I lost my car and the officer says, well where did you see it last?
Guy: it was right here on the end of my key
Officer: Alright well head down to the station and they'll set you up with the proper paperwork, but before you go, you might want to zip up your fly
The man looks down and says, Awww man they got my girl too!

How about some Little Johnny...

Little Johnny asks his Dad "What's between mom's legs?"
The father answers: "Paradise, my son."
Little Johnny asks again: "What's between your legs?"
The father replies: "The key to paradise."


Little Johnny says: "Piece of advice Dad, change the lock the neighbor has a duplicate key."

What type of key opens a banana?

A Monkey :3

What is Roy Moore's favorite piano key?

A minor

I'm obsessed with my F1 key.

I think I need help.

Heaven Between Legs

A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession.

"Mother, today I experienced the pleasures of the flesh. Father Saunders came to me and told me I had the gates to Heaven between my legs. He then told me he had the key to Heaven and put it in the gates."

"Why that lying ba***rd !" the Mother Superior screamed. "For years he has told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I've been blowing it!"

I just got my F5 key working again.

It's really refreshing!

How do you know when there's a lead singer on your porch?

They can't find the right key and don't know when to come in.

Me: The mail man told me he was going on holidays to spain...

...so i asked was he going to Parcelona and he continued to ignore what I believe was my best joke of the year.

Dad: Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery

why is the bass player stuck outside?

he doesn't know when to come in and can't find the right key anyway

Leaving for the Crusades...

*Heard this a long time ago. Just found it again...*

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am
leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend yelling, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!"

I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads:

This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom


(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)

A little boy asks his dad

Boy: whats between moms legs?

father: paradise

Boy: whats between your legs?

Father: the key to the paradise

Boy: piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbor has a copy.

Dad: ( อ ยฐ อŸส– อกยฐ)

Why is Thor's brother always overlooked?

Because he's low key.

A drunk guy walks out of a bar..

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging Out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without Missing a beat, blurts out....
"F*ck Me! My girlfriend's gone, too!!"

What's Hillary Clinton's key to success?

The Delete Key

Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

Thor: Brother! What are you doing this weekend?

Loki: nothing, just hanging out

Thor: oh sweet! that sounds...

Loki: no

Thor: low key

(long) All the knights in the Kingdom we're leaving for the Crusade.

One knight told his trusty servant,

"My bride is the most beautiful woman in the country. If I die, I do not want such beauty to be wasted. So I'm leaving you the key to her chastity belt to be used if I do not return from my journey."

The knights had only gone a short distance when they heard a horse charging up behind them.

Thinking it might be an important message, the men halted.

The horseman who approached was the Knight's servant.

"hey" he said.

"You gave me the wrong key!"

A husband hires a private detective to find out if his wife is cheating on him.

The detective reports back and says he discovered, unfortunately, that she is.

"What happened?" asks the husband

"She went to a hotel and waited in the bar area. On three different occasions men came up to her, handed her $50 and she would give them a key. 5 minutes later she would disappear upstairs somewhere and then return after a while."

"Oh my god, d... do you think... Shes a prostitute? " asks the husband.

"I thought it was pretty obvious", says the detective, "but after the last fella came back down, I made sure."

"You confronted him?"

"No, I gave her $50."

I'm writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced.

There's a lovely key change at the end.

I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...

He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.

As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.

Men Will Be Men

Before the King goes to war, he locks his wife (the beautiful Queen ),
in the room & gives the key to his best friend & says : If I am not back within 4 days , open the room and she is yours....
He sits on his horse & hits the road. Half an hour later he notices a dust cloud & sound behind him. He stops & sees his friend riding very fast towards him.
"What's wrong ?" King asks.
.
.
.
.
Out of breath, his friend answers, "It is the wrong Key...!! "

"Don't talk to the Bird!"

Jill's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the work top, and I'll send you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,talk to my parrot! I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

When the repairman arrived at Jill's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

A cop sees a drunk stumbling down the street

He says, "Hey, Buddy, you look a little drunk, you ok?."

The drunk says, "Man, I sure am glad to see you officer. See, somebody just stole my car."

The cop says, "Stole your car? Where was the car when you last saw it?"

The guy says, "Right on the end of this key."

The cop looks at the key and looks at the drunk and says, "Well, go two blocks down to the Station and report it to the desk sergeant."

The drunk says, "Thanks, officer. You been a big help."

As the drunk start stumbling towards the station, the cop looks down at the guys pants and says, "Hey buddy, before you go, you better zip up your fly."

The guy looks down at his pants and says, "Aw man, they got my girl too."

Oldest known British Joke from 10th century AD.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key

Chastity Belt

So, this guy was going to Crusade. He put on a chastity belt on his wife, gave the key to his best friend and said, "if I don't come back in 3 years, set her free." He starts off on his horse. After a while, he sees a big cloud of dust behind him. Someone was riding his horse really fast. So, he waits. The horse catches up to him. It's his best friend.

"You gave me the wrong key", yells his friend.

The key to a successful relationship

Find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

I made a car entirely out of pencils, rubbers, rulers and notebooks. Went to turn the key..

Stayed stationary.

The key of C takes its relative to the bar and orders them both a beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve A minor."

Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?

Because the & is near

A young couple finish their first date...

...and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, "Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door."

She continued, "For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That showed to me that he was rough when making love, and I don't like that."

She paused for a second to recollect her thoughts and then continued, "and the date before spent ten minutes poking around trying to find the lock, and that showed to me that he had no experience, and I don't like that either."

She then fixed her eyes onto the man and asked, "So how do you open the door?"

"Well," the man replied, "first I *lick the lock*!"

I wrote a book about famous pianists

It covers all the key players

I masturbated over my ex-wife last night.

I know I shouldn't but I've still got a key and she's a heavy sleeper.

What do you call it when a trickster god is singing just a little flat, but nobody really notices?

Low-key low key Loki.

A man broke the Guinness World Record by playing the same piano key 1,000 times in 1 minute

He then went home and broke the world record for most satisfied girlfriend.

Why Tom Hiddleston wasn't in age of ultron.

Maybe Tom Hiddleston wasn't in age of ultron cause he's trying to stay low key.

My music teacher told me to stay on key

I said "pitch please"

Car Keys

Tom and Barney got out and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key from the ignition.

Realizing their mistake, Tom asked, "Why don't we use a coat hanger to open it?"

"No, that won't work," answered Barney. "People will think we're trying to break in."

So Tom suggested, "What if we use a pocketknife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in, and pull up the lock?"

"No," said Barney. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."

"Well," sighed Tom, "we'd better thing of something quick. It's starting to rain, and the sun roof is open!"

I had this great joke about Thor...

but thinking about it now, it's actually really low key.

C Major is the healthiest key to play in

It's all natural.

What do you call a mafia boss' key?

A don-key

Frodo collected the keys to Macy's, JCPenney, McDonald's, etc. and put them on a single key ring

It was one ring to rule the mall.

Chuck Norris jokes

When Chuck Norris' code throws exceptions, it's across the room.

Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. And then the grenade exploded.

When Chuck Norris goes into a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Feel free to add more. Shamelessly stolen from the internet.

The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow...

So I asked him if he is off to Parcelona. He then proceeded to ignore what is my best joke of 2017.

Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman's joke is the delivery.

Another Blonde Joke

Two blondes stood by a car in which they had accidentally locked the key.

We need to get in there, says the first blonde. Why don't we use a coat hanger to slide the lock open?

No, says the second. People'd think we're trying to steal the car.

I have a pair of scissors, says the first. We could use it to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock."

No, they'd just say we're too stupid to use a coat hanger.

Well, we'd better think of something fast, sighed the first blonde. It's starting to rain and all the car windows are open.

How to make Key jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Key to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Key? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Key pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes