key Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious key stories

What are the best key puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Key? Well here is a complete list of the top key jokes:

A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

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The key to a happy marriage...

A couple who have been married for a few years decide to consult a marriage counsellor to try and resolve their problems. To begin, the marriage counsellor says the couple, "Tell me something you two have in common."

The husband quickly replies, "Well, neither of us sucks dick."

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A drunk is walking around downtown...

When he walks up to a cop to complain that his car has been stolen.
The cop asks, "Well, where was the last place you saw it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here at the end of this key."
The cop says, "Well, I suggest you go over to the station house and fill out a report."
The drunk starts to walk away when the cop says, "Hey, before you go, you might want to zip your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw, man, they got my girl, too."

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I love the F5 key...

It's very refreshing.

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How about some Little Johnny...

Little Johnny asks his Dad "What's between mom's legs?"
The father answers: "Paradise, my son."
Little Johnny asks again: "What's between your legs?"
The father replies: "The key to paradise."


Little Johnny says: "Piece of advice Dad, change the lock the neighbor has a duplicate key."

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Heaven Between Legs

A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession.

"Mother, today I experienced the pleasures of the flesh. Father Saunders came to me and told me I had the gates to Heaven between my legs. He then told me he had the key to Heaven and put it in the gates."

"Why that lying ba***rd !" the Mother Superior screamed. "For years he has told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I've been blowing it!"

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How do you know when there's a lead singer on your porch?

They can't find the right key and don't know when to come in.

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Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

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A drunk stumbles out of a bar...

A drunk stumbles out of a bar with a key in his hand. A cop sees him and says, Can I help you, sir? Yes! Somebody stole my car. The cop asks, Where was the last time you saw it? It was on the end of this key, says the man. The cop looks down and notices that the man's penis is hanging out of his fly. Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself? the cop says. Confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and says, My girlfriend's gone, too!

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If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?

Stereotyping.

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Frodo collected the keys to Macy's, JCPenney, McDonald's, etc. and put them on a single key ring

It was one ring to rule the mall.

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What is an aliens favorite keyboard key

The space key

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What is the biggest key when moving a piano up a flight of stairs?

Be sharp or Be flat.

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This actually happened

My brother has a lockbox and lost the key, so he said to me "Zaent, can you pick a lock?", I replied "Give me two and I'll pick one."

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Typical blonde

Death: It's your time. give me your hand


Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die!

Death: Holy shit! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!


Blonde: *high fives*

Death: Typical blonde... Dumbass...

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In the expression " romantic dinner " for women key word is " romantic " and for men - " dinner .

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A drunk walks up to a cop...

Drunk: "Man, somebody stole my car..."

Cop: "Where was your car when it got stolen?"

Drunk: "Right here on the end of this key."

Cop: "Well maybe you should go down to the precinct, and they'll fill out all the proper paper work. But before you go, you might want to zip up your fly."

The drunk looks down and replies: "Man, they got my girl too..."

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Just got the key to my new apartment....

I think it really opens the place up.

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Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? (read - not spam)

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?

Here's an incredibly simple way to do it,
and there is nothing to buy,
no investment to make,
no money to lose!

Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

1) Hold down the shift key.

2) Hit the 4 key four times fast.

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There are 3 keys that unite all males on the planet

Cntrl, shift, and N

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After smoking on a fat blunt with his neighbor, a man walks back to his apartment he shares with his girlfriend and realizes he forgets his key. Eyes red and clothes smelling like weed, he knocks on the door and his girlfriend answers...

She looks at him and with disgust says "high again?"

He looks at her intently and replies back saying "hello"

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Miles Davis takes a lesson.

Miles Davis was taking a lesson from a famous music teacher in N.Y. The teacher asked Miles, "In the key of E major, what does it put the trumpet in"? Miles answered. "Back in the fucking case !"

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Thank god



Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.

"We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thank God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"

Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thank God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven! The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thank God," he said as he mopped his brow...

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Bikers riding drunk

A cop was staking out the local pub for bikers riding drunk. At closing time, he sees a biker stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and fumble for his keys for five minutes.

When he finally gets on the bike, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and rides off.

When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0!

The cop says, "How is this possible?"

The guy laughs and says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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Have you been a good girl?

Three girls died and were brought to the Gates of Heaven.

Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter told the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

"Which is...?" they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes," she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, and was still virgin even after I got married."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good," she said. "I was a virgin before I got married, but was not after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."

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A joke about black aviation.

So my cousin is in aviation school. He decided to learn how to fly so he can propose to his fiance. Anyway almost all of the other students in his class are black people. Nothing wrong with that, it was just weird because it's in an area with very few african americans. So it's weird to see that many, like 20 in one place. Anyway, My cousin was really struggling with several key things in flight, and so he asks the best in the class, who happens to be black, if he will offer his help. They both practice together for a couple of days until my cousin finally gets the whole thing down. Eventually the test day roles around and he is really nervous, so with the test, he asks the instructor if his black friend helping him could lend moral support by flying at the same time. The instructor agrees, and they take the test. So in the end, my cousin lands the plane at the same time as the black man, and they both run and high-five each other. The instructor informs my cousin that he got top marks. He had passed with flying colors.

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Timing is everything...

- Now as you can tell this joke is all about timing, so right after posing the question, you've got to interrupt your interlocutor with a bit of temporal panache -

"what's the key to comedy?"

(as person replies) : "- timing."


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A drunk man stumbles around downtown..

and he is approached by a cop.
The cop says, "Excuse me sir, where are you going?"

The drunk replies with a slurred "I'm just looking for my car, but I can't find it. I think someone took it."

"Well where was the last place you saw it?"

The drunk says "Right here on the the end of this key" and hold up his car keys.

The cop goes to arrest the man but stops when he notices the drunk's zipper is down. He says "Sir do you know your fly is down?"

The drunk looks down and exclaims "Shit they got my girlfriend too!"

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A guy flags down a passing police car

Ossifer! Ossifer! You gotta help me. My car's been stolen.

Sir, are you sure it was stolen? it looks to me like you've had a bit to drink tonight. Are you sure you know where you left it?

Certainly I do! Don't be ridiculous. It was right here on the end of this key.

Sir, why don't you have a seat in the car, and I'll take you down to the station where they will take a report about your car. Before we do that, I'm going to have to tell you that your fly is unzipped and you're exposing yourself. You need to tuck yourself back in and zip up.

Oh my God! They got my girl, too!

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Car Keys

Tom and Barney got out and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key from the ignition.

Realizing their mistake, Tom asked, "Why don't we use a coat hanger to open it?"

"No, that won't work," answered Barney. "People will think we're trying to break in."

So Tom suggested, "What if we use a pocketknife to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in, and pull up the lock?"

"No," said Barney. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."

"Well," sighed Tom, "we'd better thing of something quick. It's starting to rain, and the sun roof is open!"

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Why are all Jewish Songs in Minor Key?

Because miners are key to the Jewish economy

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The key to getting the ladies.

They say the key to getting the ladies is making them laugh. When I pull down my pants they laugh, but I never get the ladies.

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"Don't talk to the Bird!"

Jill's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the work top, and I'll send you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,talk to my parrot! I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

When the repairman arrived at Jill's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. Stay where you are, she said. He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me.

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?

You're so drunk you miscounted, said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right.

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Mike the algorithm maker didn't go to work for a few weeks...

...so his colleagues decided to go check on him. One found the spare key to the apartment and walked in. As they searched for him, someone found Mike in the shower, whispering "Help me!"

They ask him "Mike, man, what's wrong?"

"The shampoo, it said lather rinse and **repeat!!**"

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Two rednecks, husband and wife, open a Bed&Breakfast place...

Among their first clients, was a couple of French. They give them the key to the room, and during the night, the redneck wife decides to go and spy on them through the key hole. She sees how the French woman strips in front of her husband and throws her lingerie at him. Seeing how aroused the man was by that gesture, the wife decides to go her redneck husband and do the same. She enters the room, starts stripping, and throws her panties at him. Scared, the redneck jumps out of bed, pulls out his shot gun and screams Woman ! There's skunks in the house !

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Why is a guy who has a lot of sex called a player

while a girl who does the same a whore? A key that can open many doors is a master key; a door that can be opened by many keys is a piece of shit.

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What key has legs and can't open doors?

A: A Turkey!


Thanksgiving Jokes Here.. Or forever hold the gravy! :D

Happy Thanksgiving!

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A man arrives home one evening and found his wife in bed with another man....



...Without hesitation, he grabs the offending man by his private parts and drags him to the garage.

He puts the man's private parts into a vice and removes the key so it can't be loosened. Then, he walks over to the work bench and removes the saw from the pegboard.

The naked man exclaims, "Give me a break! Please don't cut it off..."

The husband hands the man the saw and replies, "This is for you. Now, I'm gonna set fire to the garage and leave. What you do next is your decision."

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A Muslim, Buddhist, and Christian were arguing about their faiths...

The Muslim says that theirs is the true faith. The Buddhist says Nirvana is key, while the Christian of course argues that Jesus is the way.

This went on for hours until finally the Christian says, "let's settle this once and for all. We all jump off a cliff, and whoever's God saves him will we know that theirs is the true faith. " After thinking about it, the other two agreed.

They found a cliff and the Muslim went first. As he jumped, he shouted "Aaaaaaalllllllaaaaaa...." SPLAT!

Both were shocked but not surprised. They said their prayers for the Muslim and continued.

The Buddhist went next and as he jumped he chanted "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha..." And miraculously, just before hitting the ground, he floated back up to safety.

Giving a smile to the Christian, he gestured to the cliff for his turn.

The Christian was unperturbed. Taking a few minutes to compose himself, he then took his leap of faith:

"Jeeeeeesssssuuuussss.... Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha."

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The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize these key "signs." (Lighter side of dating)

1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
**meaning:** No foreplay.

2. Can't hail a cab.
**meaning:** Impotent.

3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
**meaning:** Prefers virgins.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way.
**meaning:** He is a virgin.

5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant.
**meaning:** Will swallow.

6. Takes too long deciding what to order.
**meaning:** Has trouble reaching orgasm.

7. Insists on ordering for you, saying, "The lady will have..."
**meaning:** Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.

8. Asks for "the usual"
**meaning:** Insists on missionary position only.

9. Asks what the specials are.
**meaning:** Will want you to use handcuffs.

10. Fills up on bread and crackers.
**meaning:** Premature ejaculator.

11. Drinks decaf.
**meaning:** Fakes orgasms.

12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts.
**meaning:** Needs you to talk dirty during sex˙.

13. Credit card is refused.
**meaning:** Low sperm count.

14. Under tips waiter.
**meaning:** Small penis.

15. Uses toothpick.˙
**meaning:** Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.

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What hangs at a man's thigh, and wants to poke the hole it's often poked before?

A key.

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What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key.

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Finally his wife opened the box that were closed for 20 years , and guess what she found

a man have been married for about 20 years and he has a closed box throughout all this years , his wife were so carious about what's inside this closed box , once the man went to his work and forgot that box key, his wife has found the chance to see inside that box , when she opened it she found 3 eggs and 2000$ , after her husband came back from work she asked him about the 3 eggs , and simply answered : " each time I cheating on you i put an egg inside the box " , She said ' So you cheated on me only 3 times in the whole 20 years , That's not problem, what about the 2000$ " He replied : " Whenever i get an eggs pack sell it "

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(offensive) A white guy and two black guys are stranded in the desert....

and they stumble upon a package of bologna (That's pronounced BUH-LOW-KNEE, you need to know that, it's key to the joke).
They're all starved, and strike up a deal. The white guy says "I say we all go to sleep, whoever has the best dream gets the bologna." They agree and all fall asleep.
Once they're all woken up, the first black man goes, "I had a dream that I could fly!
The second black man goes, "I had a dream I could fly and I was rich!"
The white man goes "Yankee doodle when to town a-riding on a ponyyy, while you niggers were a sleep I ate the fucking bologna"
Also posted another joke in the comments :)

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best key jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 45 puns about key. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty key gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these key jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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