key Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious key puns

A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

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I love the smell of my f5 key...

It is very refreshing

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Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

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What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key!


This is one of the oldest jokes ever recorded. It was found in a 10th century book of Anglo Saxon poetry.

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I just successfully pulled-off the 'key to comedy' joke around my surgery.

As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, 'I have a joke'. 'Better be quick!' The anaesthetist said.
'Do you know what the key to comedy is?'
Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later I asked the nurse to tell the anaesthetist my message: 'timing'.

I was a bit worried I just dreamed the first part but I checked with the doc and they said they got it all :)

Great success.

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I've been watching so much porn lately…

I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in…

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My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.

My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.

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What do prison and the shift key have in common

they both turn your "o" into an "O"

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The key to a happy marriage...

A couple who have been married for a few years decide to consult a marriage counsellor to try and resolve their problems. To begin, the marriage counsellor says the couple, "Tell me something you two have in common."

The husband quickly replies, "Well, neither of us sucks dick."

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A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.

One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"

Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall

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Last night I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend.

I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.

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Every time I put my key in the ignition, a light comes on that says, "depress clutch to start."

So I lean down and tell the clutch, "Everybody likes brake and accelerater better than you."

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v

v


EDIT*: Looks like my CTRL key is broken

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During the crusades a man entrusts his friend with the key to his daughter's chastity belt when he is away...

The man entrusted with the key replies with 'Ah yes sir you can count on me'

The father rides onwards and 30 minutes on into his journey his friend speeds to his company on horseback, and shouts at him 'Sir! You left the wrong key!'

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I'm pretty sure my F5 key isn't working anymore

I keep seeing the same jokes on here

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A drunk is walking around downtown...

When he walks up to a cop to complain that his car has been stolen.
The cop asks, "Well, where was the last place you saw it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here at the end of this key."
The cop says, "Well, I suggest you go over to the station house and fill out a report."
The drunk starts to walk away when the cop says, "Hey, before you go, you might want to zip your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw, man, they got my girl, too."

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What is between moms legs?

One day a boy asked his father, Dad, what is between moms legs?

The father reply, The door to heaven!



Then what is between yours? – the boy asked. The father said, The key to the door!

Then the boy said, I think you should change the lock because our neighbor has the spare key.

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I love the F5 key...

It's very refreshing.

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So this drunk guy stumbles up to a cop...

And says, excuse me officer I lost my car and the officer says, well where did you see it last?
Guy: it was right here on the end of my key
Officer: Alright well head down to the station and they'll set you up with the proper paperwork, but before you go, you might want to zip up your fly
The man looks down and says, Awww man they got my girl too!

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How about some Little Johnny...

Little Johnny asks his Dad "What's between mom's legs?"
The father answers: "Paradise, my son."
Little Johnny asks again: "What's between your legs?"
The father replies: "The key to paradise."


Little Johnny says: "Piece of advice Dad, change the lock the neighbor has a duplicate key."

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What type of key opens a banana?

A Monkey :3

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What is Roy Moore's favorite piano key?

A minor

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I'm obsessed with my F1 key.

I think I need help.

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Heaven Between Legs

A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession.

"Mother, today I experienced the pleasures of the flesh. Father Saunders came to me and told me I had the gates to Heaven between my legs. He then told me he had the key to Heaven and put it in the gates."

"Why that lying ba***rd !" the Mother Superior screamed. "For years he has told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I've been blowing it!"

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Girl are you sitting on an F5 key?

Cause that ass is refreshing.

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New Year's Morning

A young man was drunk and staggering about with a key in his hand.

A policeman walks up and says, "What's going on here?"

"They stole my car!", answered the drunk.

"Where did you last see it?", asked the policeman.

"On the end of this key!", the man replied.

The policeman looks him over and says, "Sir, are you aware that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?"

"Holy shit!", the drunk cried. "They got my girlfriend too!"

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I just got my F5 key working again.

It's really refreshing!

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In between her legs

A little boy asked his dad whats in between mums legs and he says "It's paradise my boy." "Ok whats in between your legs" and he says "Its the key to paradise." And the boy goes "Well you better get that lock changed because that prick next door has a spare key."

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How do you know when there's a lead singer on your porch?

They can't find the right key and don't know when to come in.

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Me: The mail man told me he was going on holidays to spain...

...so i asked was he going to Parcelona and he continued to ignore what I believe was my best joke of the year.

Dad: Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery

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A drunk man stumbles around downtown..

and he is approached by a cop.
The cop says, "Excuse me sir, where are you going?"

The drunk replies with a slurred "I'm just looking for my car, but I can't find it. I think someone took it."

"Well where was the last place you saw it?"

The drunk says "Right here on the the end of this key" and hold up his car keys.

The cop goes to arrest the man but stops when he notices the drunk's zipper is down. He says "Sir do you know your fly is down?"

The drunk looks down and exclaims "Shit they got my girlfriend too!"

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why is the bass player stuck outside?

he doesn't know when to come in and can't find the right key anyway

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A woman approaches a monk and asks "how come if a man has sex with a lot of women he is a player, but if a woman has sex with a lot of men she is a slut?"

The monk looks the woman and says "a key that opens many locks is a master key, but a lock that gets opened by many of keys is a shitty lock"

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Leaving for the Crusades...

*Heard this a long time ago. Just found it again...*

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am
leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend yelling, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!"

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I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads:

This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom


(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)

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What are the most funny Key jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Key? Well, here are the best Key dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Key pick up lines to share with friends.

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