Kevin Jokes

Following is our collection of brendan humor and jason one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Kevin puns for adults, dirty kathy jokes or clean lisa gags for kids.

There is an abundance of marvin jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 81 funniest jokes on kevin. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any keith witze you can hear about kevin.

The Best jokes about Kevin

Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races?

Because he likes to come in a little behind.

How did Kevin Spacey find the little boy in all the Tall grass?

Satisfying.

Can a woman make a man a millionaire?

Only if he's a billionaire.

Credits to Kevin Hart

TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.

Kept hitting on 17.

Why was Kevin Spacey so good at Blackjack?

He knew to hit on everything under 17


Kevin Spacey is trying to get a new position in Vegas,...

Blackjack Dealer

Because they hit on anything under 17.

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.

She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.

At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."

He ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

Why is Kevin Spacey bad at hide and seek?

He comes out at the wrong time.

Strange trend at my office...

People are naming food in the break room refrigerator. Today I ate a sandwich named "Kevin".

Kevin fills a beaker of water and places it on the machine...

"One liter of water." it read.
Kevin gasped and sat back in his chair
"This speaks volumes..."


That World Series game was so long...

When it started Kevin Spacey was still a respected actor.

Kevin Spacey likes his guys like he likes his whiskey...

12 years old and in a barrel, OR 18 years old and full of coke.

Kevin Spacey walks into a bar

But after realizing the drinking age is 21 decides that he'd rather hang out somewhere else.

There's a strange new trend at work, people are writing names on the food in the company fridge

Today I had a chicken sandwich named Kevin

After discovering that Kevin Spacey is a sexual predator, I would be surprised to see him get any work in the future.

Unless he runs for President of the United States.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:



"What do you want to be when you grow up?"





Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."



The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . ..



And how about you, Sarah?"



"I wanna be KevinΒΉs hooker."

Deer Season

Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am.

Kevin Spacey is like a TV

Even a 3 year old can turn him on


Did you hear Kevin Spacey is making a prequel to 21?

It's called "Always Hit on 14"

First Pancake

A young mother was preparing breakfast for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. They both said they wanted pancakes. As the pancakes were almost finished and the syrup was being heated in the microwave, the boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother, who was also a Sunday School teacher, saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. She said, If Jesus were sitting here, he would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, Ryan, you be Jesus.

What did Hannibal Lector have for breakfast?

Kevin Bacon.

...

And Jon Hamm.

^^I'll ^^show ^^myself ^^out.

Why is Kevin Spacey so good at writing sad songs

Because he's great at fingering minors

Bryan Singer and Kevin Spacey walk up to a bar

The bartender asks for their IDs. They walk away and say" well I guess we're not going to find what we're looking for here."

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.

Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs.

God please don't kill Kevin Bacon.

Doctor Kevin had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long

Doctor Kevin had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Kevin don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Kevin."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:













.

.

Kevin....

Kevin....

You're a veterinary doctor"

What did the woman say to Kevin Spacey on the beach?

Could you please move, you're in my son.

Why can Kevin Spacey never win a race?

He always comes in a little behind.

What do Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey have in common?

The House of Cards they had built in Hollywoodland has now made them The Usual Suspects in Sin City. This was supposed to be LA Confidential but apparently they couldnt find Consenting Adults. The American Beauty of this is that they will now forever be Inglorious Basterds.

I hear the new Predator movie will star..

Kevin Spacey.

An elderly couple are making their funeral arrangements.

They get to choose what is engraved on each other's headstones.
Husband says, "Here lies Karen. Quiet at last"
Wife says, "Here lies Kevin, stiff at last"

Why did Kevin Spacey go to space?

To molest young stars.

Jokes I heard from a bartender.

My wife said that for Christmas, she wanted something that went from 0-200 in 6 seconds; so I got her a scale.


Did you hear about the 2 gay Irish men? Kevin Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzkevin.


So Hillary Clinton decides to have the talk with Chelsea. She asks if Chelsea is sexually active yet to which Chelsea replies, "Not according to Dad."

How is Kevin Spacey like Walmart?

They both have boys pants half off.

The most famous person of all times

Who is the most famous person of all times. That was a subject of a contest among Catholic School's 5th graders with $100 prize. The teacher asked Jon first. He said it was Bill Clinton. The next one was Kevin who said it was Gorge Washington. After collecting responses from almost all participants the teacher with not much hope asked the last girl, Sarah, who happen to be Jewish. Sara raised and said. I think it was Jesus. The teacher was jubilant and pronounced Sarah as the winner of $100. After school the teacher approached Sarah and asked her. How come you as a Jew chose Jesus instead of Moses? To that Sarah replied. Sure, Moses is my hero, but business is business.

A touching story of a boy and his cat

one day,a boy named Kevin found a cat in the streets. He touched the cat. Touched it again.

and again.

and again and again and again and again...

told you it was a touching story

Did you hear Kevin Spacey is writing a song?

The entire thing is written in A minor

I was Jesus last time!

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson..
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

They're re-making Gone in 60 Seconds

It's a bio-pic about Kevin Spacey's reputation.

Kevin Bacon once had a friend named Johnny Eggs

They were known as Kevin and Johnny.

Kevin spacey got turn down to play Santa.

Apparently they didn't trust him with the naughty list.

Shingles

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, "Shingles."

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Kevin said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em?"

Deer Hunting

Seven guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Kevin's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the six get to the camping site only to find Kevin sitting there with his gear set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the stove.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk Melissa into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and Melissa came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am.

My Sight

A 90 year-old man who had played golf every day since his retirement 35 years before, arrived home furious and said to his wife, "That's it! I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and say, "Why don't you take your old mate Kevin, and give it one more try."

"That's no good" he said. "Kevin's 103. He can't help."

"He may be a 103, but his eyesight is perfect," replied the wife.

The next day, he took Kevin to the golf course. He tees, takes a mighty swing and squint down the fairway, then turned to Kevin and said, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did" replied Kevin. " I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" he asked.

"Where did what go?"

A young Julius Caesar and his friend were walking along...

A young Julius Caesar and his friend Kevin were walking a Roman road. Caesar says "I'm really thinking about going all out this year and having a bust made of myself" to which Kevin
replied..."Ughh...Don't get a-head of yourself".

I got 6 numbers at the bar last night...

One more and it would have been a complete telephone number.

(special thanks to Kevin Malone)

My husband is allergic to our cat, so I have to give him away :/

He's a sweet-natured ginger, comes when called, well-trained, and works in IT. 28 years old, answers to "Kevin".

Kevin Spacey is undergoing conversion therapy and hope to eventually have a normal marriage.

He says, "I want to have kids."

The local weatherman named the upcoming snowstorm after his oldest son Kevin.

Because he didn't think it was going to amount to much either.

Years later, Kevin McCallister murdered his older brother at a family Christmas party.

It was a total buzzkill.

What's worse than ants in your pants?

Kevin Spacey.

There's a strange new trend in my office...

People have started naming food in the office fridge

Today I ate a turkey sandwich called Kevin.

A White horse walks into a bar.

The barman remarks "Did you know there's a drink named after you?"
The horse replies "Kevin ?"

When was bed time at Kevin Spacey's house?

When the big hand touched the little hand.

The bell rang at school......

The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?" He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kevin, where have you been?" Kevin replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, "Hi there, what's your name?" The girl replied, "Cherry Hill."

Kevin Spacey is no longer going to be an actor. He's going to teach guitar.

Be cause he's good at fingering A Minor.

Why did Kevin Spacey go to Mars?

To molest more young boys

It makes more sense now why Kevin Spacey helped Baby in Baby Driver

He saw a little bit of himself in Baby, figuratively and literally.

Did you know Kevin Spacey was a composer?

His most famous song is titled *Drunk Mistake* in A minor.

What do doctors call a tiny heart?

Kevin

What did the man at the beach say to Kevin Spacey?

Hey, get out of my son!

what do kevin spacey and walmart have in common?

They both have small boys pants at half off!

Why is 6 afraid of 7...

Because 7 is Kevin Spacey

The Divorced Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had been divorced five times. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married five times?"

"Well, Jim was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be but didn't know how to close.

Kevin was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Edward was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Charles was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Richard was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the Groom, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Why is Kevin Hart the opposite of Michael Schumacher?

His life improved after he met the rock.

What do Kevin Spacey and Santa Claus have in common?

They both like to empty their sacks for young boys.
(I know it's an old MJ joke)

Well Done?

Kevin was furious when his steak arrived cooked too rare.

'Waiter,' Kevin shouted, 'Didn't you hear me say "well done"?'

'Of course I did, sir, I can't thank you enough, sir,' replied the waiter. 'I hardly ever get a compliment.'

A grasshopper hops into a bar and the bartender says hey, we've got a drink named after you .

And the grasshopper says what? ..Kevin?

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and says to the bartender I'll have one scotch thanks.
The bartender, amazed says to the grasshopper: You know we have a drink named after you.
The grasshopper looks at the man confused.
What, you have a drink named Kevin?

there was a time when there was Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs and Bob Hope.

now there is no Cash, no Jobs, and no Hope. please dont let Kevin Bacon die.

What do you call a basketball player who smells really good?

Kevin Deodurant.

Kevin Durant should be sponsored by Old Spice.

He can have his own scent: Deo-Durant.

What's Kevin Spacey's favourite musical note?

A minor

Kevin Spacey walks into a bar

and he yells "Who wants me to push in their stool?"

I honestly believe if Kevin Spacey confesses his crimes that he can be forgiven.

As a Catholic Priest.

How many Kevin Spaceys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One but he's just gonna stay in the dark from now on.

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope, and no Jobs.

Please, do not let Kevin Bacon die.

Source: The Bluegrass Grill and Bakery in Charlottesville, VA.

Boss calls in his top 4 employees.

Boss:
Been doing some evaluations. And I am very upset at the results. James, you appear to be buying Cocaine from some K-Fish. Peterson, you appear to be taking marijuana from this same K-Fish. I'm mostly disappointed at you, Jessie, for purchasing pills from this K-Fish person as well.

This is why I'm promoting Kevin Fishouse, for being a great role model for the company.

What does Kevin not give?

PersonalSpacey

Meeting Tom Hanks made my whole day ... [NSFW]

meeting Kevin Spacey made my hole weak.


I'll see myself out ...

Disclaimer: I met none.

The Doctors told me I was just Six Degrees from dying of Kevin Bacon

Fortunately, Bacon was cured.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes