ketchup Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious ketchup puns

Getting girls to have sex with me is like getting ketchup out of a bottle.

Easy when I have a knife.

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Why was the ketchup in the refrigerator embarrassed?

He saw the salad dressing! Thank you thank you..

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Monica Lewinsky walks into a cleaners....

with a dress and yells at the old owner who is hard of hearing

"I need to dry clean my dress"

The owner cups his hand next to his ear

"come again"

"No it's ketchup this time"

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What do french fries do when they met after a long time?

They ketchup

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A tomato; a tap and a hat were having a race...

the tap was running but the hat was on ahead while the tomato couldn't ketchup.

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I'm not saying that girl's a slut...

But she has touched more wieners than Heinz ketchup.

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I decided to put some ketchup in my eyes...

...but in Heinzsight, it wasn't a good idea.

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Who won the race?

Who won the race? The lettuce, the tomato or the faucet?

The lettuce was a head, the faucet was still running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

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I was checking out at Tesco...

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!".

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I smeared ketchup all over my eyes once...

It was kind of a bad idea in Heinz-sight

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I'm not saying she's a whore, but...

She's been on more wieners than Heinz Ketchup.

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I could see every bottle of ketchup in the restaurant.

Heinz sight is 20/20.

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Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?

I'm often asked by people: "Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?"

So I tell them it's because Heinz sight is 20/20.

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Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY

I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.

I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.

When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of me put down some condoms

I then proceeded to put the ketchup directly behind the condoms

The man then looked at the condoms and ketchup and turned to look me in the eye

Then (I think it was just instinct) i said 'I see we both have something to put on our sausages

I laughed, he laughed, the cash lady laughed and the three women behind me laughed it was one of the greatest moments of my life!

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Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?

The lettuce was a head and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

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My uncle was in the navy, stationed on an aircraft carrier.

One day during inspection he had a ketchup stain on his shirt. This had the natural punishment of kitchen duty.

That night he reported and there was a big, fat, sweaty man in a wife beater making hamburger patties for dinner the next night. He'd pick up a handful of beef, put it into his armpit and flatten it into a patty.

My uncle was absolutely disgusted as they had hamburgers every Thursday for his 2 year deployment. While he was curled over a trash can trying to control his stomach the chef pipes up:

"If you think that's bad you oughta be here the day we make donuts"

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After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...

Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.

Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup

No way! You'll start without me

Don't worry, we'll wait for you

I don't believe you

We promise not to start without you

Reluctantly, Junior leaves.

They way for a day... two... five... ten... twenty...

After 30 days, grampa turtle bursts:
I can't take it any longer!!! - and bites the sandwich

At this point Junior suddenly jumps from behind a rock and yells:

AHA!! I KNEW IT!!!

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You know that sound when the ketchup bottle falls against the cabin you just closed?

That's the sound of someone else's problem.

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[OC] Why did the mayonnaise win the running race?

Because the tomato sauce couldn't Ketchup.

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What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher?

Would you like ketchup with your chips?

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Convincing someone to have sex is a lot like getting ketchup out of a glass bottle.

It's a lot easier with a knife.

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Getting laid for me is like getting ketchup out of a bottle

easy if i have a knife

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Mental illness is on the increase...

At least that's what the ketchup bottle told me this morning.

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Why do they call it Heinz field?

Because the Steelers can't seem to ketchup.

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Jokes for 6 year olds?

I am looking for some jokes for kids (6-8) year olds.

For example:

* Two tomatoes are walking across the road when a car drives over one of them. The other turns around and says "Hurry up ketchup!"

* Two raindrops were falling from the sky, busy talking together when one of them looks behind him and says: "I think we are being followed!"

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I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.

It caused immense pain to ma toes.

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My girlfriend is like ketchup.

I always bang her on the table.

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Tomato Family

A Papa Tomato, a Mama Tomato, and a Baby Tomato are all walking down the street. The Baby Tomato starts to trail behind. The Papa Tomato turns around and walks over to the Baby Tomato, SMASHES him, and says "Ketchup!"

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I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.

But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.

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When your SO asks Daddy for ketchup at the family BBQ.

And you BOTH grab it at the same time.

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A tomato family is walking down the road...

when baby tomato falls behind. Daddy tomato goes back, smacks him on the head and says, "Ketchup!"

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The tomato family was walking down the street....

...when daddy tomato and mommy tomato noticed that baby tomato had started to fall behind so daddy tomato went back to the baby and stomped on him and said "Ketchup!"

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A cabbage, a tap and a tomato had a race

The Cabbage was ahead, the tap was running and the tomato tried to ketchup

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Why did the chip chase the sauce?

To ketchup

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I saw the clearest evidence in not supporting trump in the paper today

He eats his steak well done. With ketchup.

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What are the most funny Ketchup jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Ketchup? Well, here are the best Ketchup dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Ketchup pick up lines to share with friends.

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