Ketchup Jokes

What are some Ketchup jokes?

Getting girls to have sex with me is like getting ketchup out of a bottle.

Easy when I have a knife.

Why was the ketchup in the refrigerator embarrassed?

He saw the salad dressing! Thank you thank you..

Monica Lewinsky walks into a cleaners....

with a dress and yells at the old owner who is hard of hearing

"I need to dry clean my dress"

The owner cups his hand next to his ear

"come again"

"No it's ketchup this time"

What do french fries do when they met after a long time?

They ketchup

A tomato; a tap and a hat were having a race...

the tap was running but the hat was on ahead while the tomato couldn't ketchup.

I decided to put some ketchup in my eyes...

...but in Heinzsight, it wasn't a good idea.

Who won the race?

Who won the race? The lettuce, the tomato or the faucet?

The lettuce was a head, the faucet was still running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

I was checking out at Tesco...

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!".

I smeared ketchup all over my eyes once...

It was kind of a bad idea in Heinz-sight

My daughter was inspecting our seedlings this morning: "The tomato is catching up with the other plants! But I shouldn't be surprised..."

"Of course a tomato would ketchup."

She's only five and already a dad...

I could see every bottle of ketchup in the restaurant.

Heinz sight is 20/20.

Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?

I'm often asked by people: "Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?"

So I tell them it's because Heinz sight is 20/20.

Something on our Sausages

THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TODAY

I had to go to the corner shop to get some bread and ketchup as we ran out yesterday.

I went in got my medium warburtons loaf and the classic bottle of heinz beans and joined the queue.

When I was the second person to the counter the man in front of me put down some condoms

I then proceeded to put the ketchup directly behind the condoms

The man then looked at the condoms and ketchup and turned to look me in the eye

Then (I think it was just instinct) i said 'I see we both have something to put on our sausages

I laughed, he laughed, the cash lady laughed and the three women behind me laughed it was one of the greatest moments of my life!

Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?

The lettuce was a head and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

My uncle was in the navy, stationed on an aircraft carrier.

One day during inspection he had a ketchup stain on his shirt. This had the natural punishment of kitchen duty.

That night he reported and there was a big, fat, sweaty man in a wife beater making hamburger patties for dinner the next night. He'd pick up a handful of beef, put it into his armpit and flatten it into a patty.

My uncle was absolutely disgusted as they had hamburgers every Thursday for his 2 year deployment. While he was curled over a trash can trying to control his stomach the chef pipes up:

"If you think that's bad you oughta be here the day we make donuts"

After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...

Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.

Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup

No way! You'll start without me

Don't worry, we'll wait for you

I don't believe you

We promise not to start without you

Reluctantly, Junior leaves.

They way for a day... two... five... ten... twenty...

After 30 days, grampa turtle bursts:
I can't take it any longer!!! - and bites the sandwich

At this point Junior suddenly jumps from behind a rock and yells:

AHA!! I KNEW IT!!!

You know that sound when the ketchup bottle falls against the cabin you just closed?

That's the sound of someone else's problem.

What did Donald Trump get on his SATs?

Ketchup

[OC] Why did the mayonnaise win the running race?

Because the tomato sauce couldn't Ketchup.

What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher?

Would you like ketchup with your chips?

Why is it good to wash your eyes with ketchup?

Because Heinzsight is 20/20.

Convincing someone to have sex is a lot like getting ketchup out of a glass bottle.

It's a lot easier with a knife.

Getting laid for me is like getting ketchup out of a bottle

easy if i have a knife

Mental illness is on the increase...

At least that's what the ketchup bottle told me this morning.

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.

It caused immense pain to ma toes.

Why do they call it Heinz field?

Because the Steelers can't seem to ketchup.

Jokes for 6 year olds?

I am looking for some jokes for kids (6-8) year olds.

For example:

* Two tomatoes are walking across the road when a car drives over one of them. The other turns around and says "Hurry up ketchup!"

* Two raindrops were falling from the sky, busy talking together when one of them looks behind him and says: "I think we are being followed!"

Tomato Family

A Papa Tomato, a Mama Tomato, and a Baby Tomato are all walking down the street. The Baby Tomato starts to trail behind. The Papa Tomato turns around and walks over to the Baby Tomato, SMASHES him, and says "Ketchup!"

My girlfriend is like ketchup.

I always bang her on the table.

I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.

But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.

A tomato family is walking down the road...

when baby tomato falls behind. Daddy tomato goes back, smacks him on the head and says, "Ketchup!"

When your SO asks Daddy for ketchup at the family BBQ.

And you BOTH grab it at the same time.

In retrospect, I should have known rubbing ketchup on my eyes would be useless.

Oh well, Heinz-sight is 20/20 I guess.

The tomato family was walking down the street....

...when daddy tomato and mommy tomato noticed that baby tomato had started to fall behind so daddy tomato went back to the baby and stomped on him and said "Ketchup!"

A staggering drunk knocks over a pregnant lady who is carrying a bag of groceries...

2 eggs and a bottle of ketchup fall and break to the sidewalk. The drunk say "Sorry lady, but it would have died anyway. Its eyes were too far apart.

A cabbage, a tap and a tomato had a race

The Cabbage was ahead, the tap was running and the tomato tried to ketchup

I used to think that putting ketchup on my glasses was a great way to clean them.

But in Heinz sight, I don't think that was such a good idea.

What does shampoo and ketchup have in common?

My dad waters both down when we get to the end of the bottle.

My sister came in my room and said this

Ok, so say ketchup and liquor after each sentence ok?


What did you eat for breakfast?

ketchup and liquor


What did you eat for dinner?

ketchup and liquor


What do you do when a girl runs

...
Nice

Why did the chip chase the sauce?

To ketchup

Three tomatoes are walking down the street

Papa tomato, Mama tomato and Baby Tomato.

Baby tomato starts lagging behind and Papa tomato gets really angry. He goes back and squishes him and says,

Ketchup

I saw the clearest evidence in not supporting trump in the paper today

He eats his steak well done. With ketchup.

I thought i ran away from the Tomatoes

I really didn't think they would ketchup.

What do you call pasta with ketchup?

Spaghetto
Ba-dum tss.

The tomato is late for work...

and his boss comes up to him and says, "Get to work! You have a lot to ketchup"

I get all my gossip from a ketchup bottle

Its a very reliable sauce

Tomatoes grow so fast.

Other plants can't even ketchup.

Ketchup and rubber buns

DAD: "Ok, so after every question i ask you you must say ketchup and rubber buns".

KID: Gotcha.

DAD: what did you buy at the store?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What did you have for dinner?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What do you do when an old lady crosses the street?

KID: Ketchup and rub....... HEY!

Company Heinz announces plans to produce PPE

There is still global shortages. They will be playing Ketchup.

A horse enters a deli...

... and says "Give me a grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes, peppers, jalapeΓ±os, pickles, mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, and relish."

Without a word, the deli owner, standing behind the counter, gets to work on the grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes, peppers, jalapeΓ±os, pickles, mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, and relish.

A while later, she presents him his meal. "Here's your grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes, peppers, jalapeΓ±os, pickles, mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, and relish."

The horse smiles, accepts the food, and asks her, "I bet you were surprised when you saw a horse enter the deli and order a grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes, peppers, jalapeΓ±os, pickles, mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, and relish."

"Not really," she said. "I like it that way myself."

What do you call a drawing of Ketchup?

Sketchup

The bottle of ketchup slipped from my hands yesterday.

This event caused a huge pain to ma toes.

A man walks into the ER

And the doctor asks "whats the problem?".

The man replies "Well sir, I seem to have slipped and accidentally fell onto this ketchup bottle and its definitely stuck in there. Can you help?"

The doctor looks at the patient, twists the bottle and it pops rather quickly. The doctor stares for a moment and simply says "Now explain the condom".

Funny Comeback

I go into McDonald's and there is this fat girl making fun of this mentally disabled kid*

Me: you know, that could happen to any of us. You don't belong making fun of someone like that, what's wrong with you?

Girl: god gave me a mouth to speak and I'm going to use it

Me: well god also gave you a mouth to eat, you abused that privilege.

Girl: -speechless-

Me: oh and you might want to wipe that ketchup off your chin

Girl: *goes to wipe chin*

Me: no, your other chin

What happens when you mix mustard and ketchup together?

it's must-up ..*rubs brow*

. What did the hot dog say when his friend passed him in the race

A. Wow, I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

How to make Ketchup puns?

We have collected gags and puns about Ketchup to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Ketchup? If Yes here are a lot more one liners and funny Ketchup pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes