Helen Keller once described a cheese grater as...
"The most violent book I have ever read"
What did Helen Keller say when she picked up the cheese grater?
That was the most violent book I've ever read...........
Why did Helen Keller mastutbate with one hand?
So she could moan with the other.
Hellen Keller walks into a bar.
And then a table, and then a stool.
Why couldn't anyone hear Hellen Keller scream?
She was wearing mittens.
Why does Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?
She uses the other hand to moan.
Why does Helen Keller play piano with only one hand?
Because she uses the other one to sing
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
She's dead
What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?
Endless love
Helen Keller walks into a bar
Then into a chair
Then into a table
(OC) What do you call Helen Keller punching someone?
Senseless violence.
Why does Hellen Keller use one hand to masturbate?
So she can moan with the other
Why could no one hear Helen Keller cry for help when she fell off a bridge?
She was wearing mittens
Did you know that Helen Keller had a dog?
Neither did she.
What was the first thing Hellen Keller noticed at the beach?
The volleyball net.
Did you know that Helen Keller had a swing set in her back yard?
Neither did she.
What did Helen Keller say after being handed a cheese grater?
That's the worst book I ever read.
Why is Hellen Keller bad at driving?
Because she's dead.
How did Helen Keller discover masturbation?
Trying to read her own lips.
Did you know Helen Keller had a dollhouse?
Neither did she.
Helen keller sets down a cheese grader and says...
That was the most violent book i've ever read
Did you hear about the time Helen Keller fell down a well?
Neither did she.
Why did Helen Keller play the piano with one hand?
So she could sing with the other.
I wrote a book called Endless Love
It's about a tennis match between Stevie Wonder and Hellen Keller
Sing to the tune of "Yankee Doodle"...
Helen Keller went to town,
A-ridin' on a pony,
Stuck a feather in her hat
and called it "Hunngunnggunufffungg"
Did you know that Helen Keller had a swingset in her backyard?
Neither did she.
Did you know Hellen Keller had an amusement park in her backyard?
Neither did she.
How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?
Somebody left the plunger in the toilet.
Why is helen keller a bad driver?
Because she's dead
Hellen Keller walks into a bar
then into a chair, and then into a table.
Did you guys hear what happened to Helen Keller?
Neither did she.
Why can't Helen Keller drive....
Because she's a woman.
Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff?
She was wearing mittens
Let's hear your best Helen Keller jokes.
Why does Helen Keller have holes in her face? She tried eating with a fork. Did you hear about the new Helen Keller Doll? You wind her up and she bumps into the furniture!
So Helen Keller walks into a bar
Then she walks into a table. Then she walks into a lamp. Then she walks into the wa- ok, you get the idea.
What did Helen Keller say when she fell into the snow?
Nothing, she was wearing mittens.
Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?
Because she's a woman.
Why did Helen Keller fail her road test?
Because she was a woman
"On the plus side, I am completely immune to flash-bang grenades"
- probably Helen Keller
How did Helen Keller break her arm?
You try reading a stop sign at 60 miles an hour.
Did you know Hellen Keller had a dollhouse?
Neither did she.
Why did Helen Keller fire her maid?
Cuz she left the plunger in the toilet. - Jackie Martling
Why was Helen Keller a terrible driver?
Because she was a woman
Do you guys remember Helen Keller jokes? What's your favorite one? I'll go.
Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?
She's a woman.
Why did Hellen Keller only masterbate one hand?
So she could moan with the other
How do you know if Helen Keller just masturbated?
She spits when she talks.
Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she is a woman
Helen Keller walks into a bar...
then a wall...then a chair...
Why doesn't Hellen Keller go skydiving?
It scares the crap out of her dog
Did you hear about the time Helen Keller fell into a ditch
She screamed until she was blue in the hand.
Did you know Helen Keller had a swing in her backyard?
Neither did she.
Why couldn't Helen Keller scream when she was pushed off the mountain?
She was wearing mittens.
What did Helen Keller say when she put down the cheese grater?
That was the most violent book I've ever read.
Did you hear than Hellen Keller is the 13th most influential person of all time.
Neither did she.
How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
She answered the stapler.
How did she pierce her other ear?
Those bastards called back.
(feel free to imagine a dulled "Huwwuh? *ka-thunk* UUUNNGHH!" right after the first punchline)
Did you know that Helen Keller lived in a huge mansion?
Neither did she
How did Helen Keller lose her arm?
Trying to read the road signs!!!
Hellen Keller walks into a bar...
Then a table
What did Helen Keller say when she fell off the cliff?
Nothing, she had her mittens on.
Wrote this while waiting for a burrito in 2009
What's the difference between Helen Keller and Susan B. Anthony?
One doesn't know her place, the other can't find it.
How do you confuse Helen Keller?
You tell her to read a basketball.
Did you hear the one about Hellen Keller?
Well neither did she.
Like Hellen Keller in an orgy,
you don't know who you're fucking with.
Why would Helen Keller be a terrible driver?
She's dead.
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