keith Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious keith puns

What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?

The front row of a Toby Keith concert.

👍🏼

Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future.

Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.

👍🏼

After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.

The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."

👍🏼

Fidel Castro is dead

Looks like Keith Richards and the Queen of England are moving on to the finals.

👍🏼

Did you know that if you drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8 Ball, you can see the future?

My friend Keith did once and he said he was gonna die- and he did!

👍🏼

If you drink the liquid from a Magic 8 Ball you can tell the future..

My friend Keith did it once and then said he was gonna die, and he did

👍🏼

If you drink the blue liquid from one of those 8-balls you can see the future.

Trust me, my friend Keith did. He said he was going to die and then he did.

👍🏼

Syrian refugees

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practice and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it is a Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd, my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys, and I changed my name to Dave. Beat that!"

The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking towelhead."

👍🏼

In high school they called me donkey dick. I got that name because...

it was short for Donald Keith Richards.

👍🏼

A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.

I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.

'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'

'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.

'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.

'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got out twice to take a piss'.

👍🏼

Shocking results came in after Keith Richards went to the hospital.

They found blood in his drugstream.

👍🏼

What do you call a locksmith with a lisp?

Keith

👍🏼

It was reported that Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend, John Entwistle, and Keith Moon just released a number of canines from the local pound

It can now be said that The Who let the dogs out

👍🏼

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practice and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it is a Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!"

The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking towelhead."

👍🏼

A dog walks into a bank and asks for a loan...

The teller says "What collateral are you offering?"

The dog leans across the the counter, looks at his name tag and says "Here's the thing Mr. Wakk, can I call you Patrick? I'm actually Keith Richard's son. So you know I'm good for it."

The teller says "I'm sorry Mr. Dog we're still going to have to ask for collateral."

The dog hands him a ceramic elephant.

Confused the teller goes to his manager and tells him the story. He says "I don't know what to do, I don't even know what this thing is."

The manager says "It's a knick-knack Paddy Wakk, give the dog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

👍🏼

A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.

'I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.

'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'

'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.

'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.

'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got out twice to pee'.

👍🏼

What does a high school dance have in common with the parking lot at a Keith Urban concert?

Lots of bad pickup lines.

👍🏼

There once was a mouse called Keith

Who did circumcisions for free with his teeth;

He didn't do it for pleasure,

Excitement or leisure...

He did it for the cheese underneath.

👍🏼

Frog gets a loan.

There once was a frog that belonged to Keith Richards. This frog went to the bank to get a loan. At the desk was a woman named Miss Pattywack. The frog says "I'd like to get a loan please". She replied "Well you're gonna need some form of collateral". The frog says "I don't have much, but what about this?", the frog places a small wooden pink elephant on the counter. Miss Pattywack looks at it and says "Well I'll have to speak to the manager about this".

After telling the manager the whole story, she asked what the toy was. He replied "It's a nick nack, Pattywack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".

👍🏼

Keith Richards recently went to the doctor

They were surprised to have found traces of blood in his heroin stream.

👍🏼

Since he is a country singer...

Shouldn't Keith Urban's last name be Rural?

👍🏼

Rod and Keith, two linguists, are chatting about life...

Rod and Keith, two linguists, are chatting about life when Rod slips in a linguistic pun. Keith is not impressed and points out why the pun was so bad. The conversation continues and Rod tries to deftly insert another pun. Again, without even cracking a smile, Keith starts pointing out all the flaws of the joke. A little while later Rod throws yet another linguistic pun into the conversation, but once again Keith is unimpressed and points out all the erroneous assumptions underlying the pun.

Frustrated, Rod asks Keith "When are you going to stop criticizing my linguistic puns and just let yourself laugh a little?!"

Keith replies "I'll die a critic."

👍🏼

Charlie Sheen, Amy Winehouse, and Keith Richards walk into a bar.

The bartender, local drug dealer, and in house pimp all get measured for a new suit

👍🏼

What did Orville say when Keith Harris died?

Nothing.

👍🏼

Time for a limerick...

On the first date with her new man, Keith

Young Pamela let out a queef.

He tried to ignore

That she's surely a whore

But at least her bjs had no teeth!

👍🏼

Keith Richards is dead

No one has told him that yet though.

👍🏼

Every time you smoke a cigarette,

God takes away 5 minutes of your life... and gives it to Keith Richards

👍🏼

Why do Marlboro cigarettes have white filters in America, but yellow filters in Europe?

So Keith Richards can tell which continent he's in.

👍🏼

Imagine if, in some fit of drug-induced rage back in the 60s, Keith Richards had killed David Crosby & Gram Parsons?

Talk about killing two byrds with one stone.

👍🏼

Keith Ape makes his mother a sandwich.

Keith Ape makes his mother a sandwich.

She takes a bite and cries with joy.

"This is amazing! What kind of sandwich is this?" She asks.

"It cheese ma."

👍🏼

Jim McGuinn and David Crosby found dead in apparent Double Homicide

Jim McGuinn and David Crosby found dead in apparent Double Homicide, one Keith Richards suspected.

It seems two Byrds were killed by one Stone.

👍🏼

What do Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music and Keith Richards have in common?

They both made habits fashionable.

👍🏼

In the recent news of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds both passing away...

...Keith Richards, the guitarist for the Rolling Stones, has confirmed to still be alive.

👍🏼

Have you heard the song between Keith Urban and John Legend? No?

Must be an Urban Legend.

👍🏼

If Keith Urban was an anti-hipster lawmaker what would he impose first?

A Kefir Ban.

👍🏼

What are the most funny Keith jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Keith? Well, here are the best Keith dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Keith pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes