Keeping Mum Jokes
13 keeping mum jokes and hilarious keeping mum puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about keeping mum that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Keeping Mum Short Jokes
Short keeping mum jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The keeping mum humour may include short keeping jokes also.
- My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch.... So I say to her, look Mum, my house, my prices!
- My mum keeps asking if I have a girlfriend... Give it a rest mum...it's never going to happen between us
- My mum doesn't work in IT. So I don't get why she looks at me and keeps repeating "I wish there was an undo button."
- Q: Does your mum like shopping on the Internet?
A: No, the trolley keeps rolling off the top of the computer.
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Keeping Mum One Liners
Which keeping mum one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with keeping mum? I can suggest the ones about mums and mom shocked.
- When a friend asks you to keep her pregnancy on down low, you say Mum's the word
- Mum, I don't want to go to australia Shut up and keep swimming.
Keeping Mum Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about keeping mum you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean moms jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make keeping mum pranks.
Little Johnny at it again...
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.
Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".
The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.
"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"
Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and k**... her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."
The young man finally made up his mind to tell his mother he was gay.
He could no longer keep it a secret so one evening when she was in the kitchen making supper, he took the plunge and told her.
Mum, I have something to tell you, I'm gay.
Immediately, his mother replied, Does being gay mean you have men's d**... in your mouth?
Well … stammered the young man. Yes, it does.
In that case, she said angrily, don't you ever criticise my cooking again.
Some numbers are having a party
There's 3, 4, and 5 playing pin the tail on the donkey. 8, 9, and 0 are chasing a ball around. Everyone is laughing and having a great time.
Except for little 2. Alone he sits in the corner quietly watching everyone play. After some time he says, too quietly for anybody to hear, "would anyone like to play?". But no one hears him. All the numbers keep carrying on and having a great time. Quietly he says again, "would anyone like to play?". But again, no one hears him.
Later on he says to his mum, "mum why can't I play with the other numbers?". And his mother just looks at him and shakes her head. "Because, son, you're not a loud two."
Teacher asks Johnny, "What's Wrong?"
Johnny :- Our house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny, are you asleep?'
I say No & he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye
Teacher:- Tonight, when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.
The following morning Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again.
Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again?
Johnny:- Dad asked me if I was asleep. I shut up & kept dead still.
Then my mum and dad started moving at the same time.
Mum was breathing erratically, k**... her legs up frantically &
squealing like a hyena on the bed.
Then my dad asked my mum, "Are you coming?"
Mum said, "Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?"
Dad answered:- Yes.
Well, they don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, "wait for me, I'm coming too".
Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend's family.
Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a c**...? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the c**....
As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said Give me another c**... because my Girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She's always flirting with the way she crosses her legs and I might have a chance there too". The pharmacist gave him a second c**....
As Peter was leaving, he turns back one more time and says "Give me one more c**.... Her mum is still pretty cute and she always tries to get my attention with the way she sways her hips or licks her lips". The pharmacist gave him a third c**....
During dinner, Peter sat down with his Girlfriend on his left, her sister on his right and her mum facing him. Once her father enters the room, Peter repectfully lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given given us".
Ten minutes later, Peter is still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ....". More time goes by and he's still praying, his head down close to the table. The rest of the family keep looking at each other surprised. His girlfriend eventually moves in close and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious?". Peter, with his head still on the table replies "I didn't know your father was a Pharmacist".