The Best 67 Keeping Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Keeping jokes. There are some keeping keeping blondes busy jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these keeping retain puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Keeping Jokes and Puns

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

The problem majoring in Electrical Engineering...

is keeping up with Current Events.

Keeping joke, The problem majoring in Electrical Engineering...

What is cowhide mostly used for?

Keeping cows from falling apart.

A soccer team goes to a bar after a big win.

The keeper decides to hang out with his close friend, a defense player and his girlfriend. As it comes time to head home, the defender pulls the keeper aside and decides to compliment him on his play.

"You know, you're good as a keeper."

"Oh? What brought this about?"

"Well to start, you've been keeping me from scoring all night."


A man moves into a haunted house

After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."

A Man With Sticks in the Middle of Town.

A man is hitting two sticks together in the middle of a small town in suburban America.
Another man walks up and asks, "why are you hitting those sticks together?"
The first man replies, "I'm keeping the elephants away."
Confused, the other man says, "but there are no elephants around here!"
The man with the sticks calmly replies, "You're welcome."

Keeping joke, A Man With Sticks in the Middle of Town.

My boss noticed I shaved before coming in to the office today

then he told me if i wanted to keep my job I would have to start keeping my pants on

What kind of dog is best at keeping secrets?

hush puppies

Eggs

A couple were married for 25yrs. One day while cleaning their room, she finds a box hidden inside his closet and decides to open it with the thought that her husband is keeping a secret to her. In the box she finds 3 eggs and 10 grand.
This seems very strange so she went to him and asks:
"Why are there 3 eggs in a box in your closet?"
"Well, dear," the husband replies, "everytime I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box."

She's hurt that he had been unfaithful but consoles herself with the fact that they have been married for 25yrs and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.

Wife asks: "Where did the 10 grand come from?"
With head bowed down he answers: "Everytime it reaches a dozen, I sell them!"

I asked my masseuse if it was unusual to get an erection during a massage...

the masseuse replied, "not at all it happens all the time."
So i said, "well do you mind keeping it out of my face."

You can explore keeping stride reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean keeping maintain dad jokes. There are also keeping puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...

The first nun takes out a condom and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"

"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.

So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.

"What size do you need" asked the clerk.

The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"

A man is cheating

on his wife, Lorraine. His lover is a girl named Clearly. His wife suspects him of cheating so she is always keeping a close eye on him. He knows that she is always watching so he never gets a chance to be with Clearly. One day, Lorraine had a heart attack and died. At her funeral, the man sings: "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

You can tell a lot about a person..

by not keeping their secrets.

Which spice is the worst at keeping secrets?

Only thyme will tell.

A guy is standing in Times Square hitting two sticks together

A police man walks up to him, thinking he is crazy, and asks "what in the world are you doing?"
The man replies "I'm keeping the mountain lions away!"
The police man says "there's not a mountain lion within 1000 miles of here!"
The man grins "I know I'm doing a pretty good job, aren't I?"

Keeping joke, A guy is standing in Times Square hitting two sticks together

I'd like to give a shout out to protons-

for keeping our community positive.

A man has to leave the country..

A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.
After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."

Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.


Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?

Because of the indoor fins.

How are Harambe memes keeping up?

Cincinnati Zoo keeps trying to shoot them down.

Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns

By keeping his mouth shut.

I want to give a shoutout to the sidewalk

For keeping me off the street.

Noticing a woman sitting alone at a table in a bar...

.. a man goes over to chat with her. After talking to her for a while he makes his move.

"Stop!" says the woman as the man tries to kiss her. "I'm sorry but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I truly love."

"Wow", says the man, "that must be difficult."

"It's not too bad", replied the woman. "My husband's quite upset though."

I yelled at my wife today for keeping broken condoms on the sofa

She answered that I shouldn't call our kids like that

Keeping fruit juice in the freezer

It's impopsicle!

My wife has been keeping secrets from me.

I just built a fence and put down some paving. Turns out not only is she a master carpenter she's also an expert brick layer. If only I had known earlier I could have sought her advice before I did the work. It would have saved me from making all the obvious mistakes she pointed out after the work was done.

A gorgeous blonde is stranded on an island...

Two cannibals, father and son, find her.
The son says to the father: Wow dad! She is beautiful! Are we going to eat her?
To which the father replies: No son. Don't be silly, we're keeping her. We're eating your mother.

My girlfriend told me that she doesn't like that I'm keeping scores in our relationship.

She got a point

Vatican to elevate pope Francis to sainthood-report

Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Francis of a cc'

A neighbor's wife knocks on the door

She says "Your kids can't play with our children any more."
"Why?" the man asks, shocked.
"They keeping on calling the other kids gay, you should watch your language around them!"
The man replies "They couldn't have learned it from me, otherwise they would have been calling them faggots"

They should make another Taken movie about Liam Neeson being underappreciated for keeping his family safe

It should be called Taken 4: Granted

I'd like to thank the sidewalks

For keeping me off the streets

A couple had a big argument in the car. They didn't talk to each other then entire trip.

They passed a farm with pigs, in which the husband saw an opportunity to break the ice.
"Look, those must be your relatives"
The lady, keeping her cool, replied "In-laws"

Green chameleon for sale...

No, a red one.

No, blue.

No wait, a pink one.

Cool.

Never mind, I'm keeping it!

What is a cats way of keeping law and order?

Claw enforcement!

In the USSR we had this joke

But we were keeping it to ourselves so they confiscated it, and threw us in jail.

I finally figured out the secret to keeping your woman happy.

You have to [spoiler] (#s)

It's refreshing to see a President keeping his campaign promises.

Although I'm not entirely sure rotating people through the cabinet counts as creating jobs but the effort is certainly present.

My daughter asked where her names comes from

I told her: well, there are two things keeping your mother and I's marriage together, and they are both named Brandy.

I was arrested the other day for keeping a sick bird of prey.

Turns out it was ill eagle

Three men walk into a store

The first is a black man, the second is a white man, and the third is an Asian man. They wander the aisles for a few minutes browsing, and quickly noticed the shop keepers keeping a careful eye on the black and Asian men. Later when they left they began complaining

"I can't believe they did!"

Said the black man

"I know! How terrible!"

Said the Asian man. Then the white man said

"Don't worry, I stole enough for all of us"

A cop pulls over a speeder

"Do you know how fast you were going?" the officer asks.

"130 km/h" the man answers

"why were you going 30 over the limit?" the cop asks, surprised the man admitted to speeding.

"I was keeping up with traffic!"

The officer looks up and down the road. "there's no other cars!"

"I know" says the man, "that's how far behind I am!"

An alien walks into a human brain shop

Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.

Alien: I'll take a look.

Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the brain of someone who has watched every single "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episodes ever. It's listed at $200.

Alien: Woah, you're trying to rip me off. Why is the brain of someone that dumb worth so much?

Vendor: Simple, because this brain hasn't been used before.

"GIVE IT TO ME!" She screamed. "I'm so wet right now!"

She can yell all she wants, I'm keeping my umbrella.

Why did the coke addict take to bee keeping to get sober?

Finally found something that would give him a buzz

What's the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

A blonde was walking down the street with headphones in

A friend of hers stops her, and tries to talk to her

The blonde just stares at them, keeping the headphones in her ears, so the friend removes them for her and the blonde stops breathing

The friend quickly puts the earbuds back in and she starts breathing again

The friend tries it again, and the blonde stops breathing

The friend takes out only one ear bud, and sticks it in their ear and hears,

Breathe in, breathe out, breath in...

I was trying to close my fridge but something was keeping it open.

It was a jar.

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

Why is the prostitute so bad at social distancing?

Because she only specializes in keeping 2 feet apart.

Why are anti-vaxxer's children good at keeping secrets?

Cause they don't live to tell the tale

I'd been stealing my wife's deodorants for months before I got caught.

She said please stop keeping Secrets from me

What's the hardest part of being a vegan?

Keeping it to yourself...

The farmer had a problem keeping his hands off his wife.

Eventually he fired them all.

Banks should really do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled.

I went to four different ones today and they all said "Insufficient Funds"

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The real question is: who broke the lightbulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?

A doctor once got rich when he realized he could run a lucrative circumcising clinic by

keeping all the tips

An Apple Watch is an amazing way of keeping healthy

Just got mine and I already lost 400 pounds!

The wife and I went to a bank robber-themed fancy dress party last night.

Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running.

I'm thinking of joining a gym.

I'm keeping mentally active.

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a truly calming effect on the brain.

Due to all the indoor fins.

Nice to see America keeping its tradition

Of launching a coup in a third world country.

An old Irish woman is naked starting at herself in the mirror

Her husband walks in and asks what in the hell are you doing?

I had my physical today and my doctor told me I was a beautiful woman who should be proud of her aging body, she replied.

Yeah? And what did he say about your fat Irish ass?

You didn't come up in conversation, she replied.

(I don't know why she's Irish, but when I heard the joke she was so I'm keeping it going!)

a traveling salesman ...

So a traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look much better.

Deciding not to take any chances, the salesman orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.

The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her arms.

The salesman says, "Why are the hamburgers under your arms?"

The waitress says, "I'm keeping them warm."

And the salesman says, "Cancel the hot dog."

Grandson Talking to His Grandfather:

"Grandpa, after 65 years of marriage, you still call Grandma 'sweetheart', 'darling' and 'honey'. What's your secret to keeping the flame burning?"

Grandpa: "I forgot her name 5 years ago and I don't dare ask"

Melinda announces that she is keeping her married name after the divorce, not reverting to her maiden name.

I guess that's what you call Gatekeeping

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the keeping societies jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working keeping beekeepers piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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