Keeping Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

What's the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

"Give it to me!" she yelled

Give it to me! She yelled.

"I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted.

I was keeping the umbrella.

I've started using Viagra to treat my sunburn.

It doesn't do anything for the burns, but it does a good job of keeping the sheets of my legs.

It's refreshing to see a President keeping his campaign promises.

Although I'm not entirely sure rotating people through the cabinet counts as creating jobs but the effort is certainly present.

I yelled at my wife today for keeping broken condoms on the sofa

She answered that I shouldn't call our kids like that

"Give it to me,"She begged. "I'm so wet! Give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

I want to give a shoutout to the sidewalk

For keeping me off the street.

Green chameleon for sale...

No, a red one.

No, blue.

No wait, a pink one.

Cool.

Never mind, I'm keeping it!

My boss noticed I shaved before coming in to the office today

then he told me if i wanted to keep my job I would have to start keeping my pants on

A guy is standing in Times Square hitting two sticks together

A police man walks up to him, thinking he is crazy, and asks "what in the world are you doing?"
The man replies "I'm keeping the mountain lions away!"
The police man says "there's not a mountain lion within 1000 miles of here!"
The man grins "I know I'm doing a pretty good job, aren't I?"

Which spice is the worst at keeping secrets?

Only thyme will tell.

A man moves into a haunted house

After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."

A cop pulls over a speeder

"Do you know how fast you were going?" the officer asks.

"130 km/h" the man answers

"why were you going 30 over the limit?" the cop asks, surprised the man admitted to speeding.

"I was keeping up with traffic!"

The officer looks up and down the road. "there's no other cars!"

"I know" says the man, "that's how far behind I am!"

A Man With Sticks in the Middle of Town.

A man is hitting two sticks together in the middle of a small town in suburban America.
Another man walks up and asks, "why are you hitting those sticks together?"
The first man replies, "I'm keeping the elephants away."
Confused, the other man says, "but there are no elephants around here!"
The man with the sticks calmly replies, "You're welcome."

You can tell a lot about a person..

by not keeping their secrets.

A neighbor's wife knocks on the door

She says "Your kids can't play with our children any more."
"Why?" the man asks, shocked.
"They keeping on calling the other kids gay, you should watch your language around them!"
The man replies "They couldn't have learned it from me, otherwise they would have been calling them faggots"

I'd like to give a shout out to the sidewalk....

for keeping me off the streets.

Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.

2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...

The first nun takes out a condom and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"

"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.

So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.

"What size do you need" asked the clerk.

The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"

What is cowhide mostly used for?

Keeping cows from falling apart.

Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?

Because of the indoor fins.

An alien walks into a human brain shop

Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.

Alien: I'll take a look.

Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the brain of someone who has watched every single "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episodes ever. It's listed at $200.

Alien: Woah, you're trying to rip me off. Why is the brain of someone that dumb worth so much?

Vendor: Simple, because this brain hasn't been used before.

I asked my masseuse if it was unusual to get an erection during a massage...

the masseuse replied, "not at all it happens all the time."
So i said, "well do you mind keeping it out of my face."

Eggs

A couple were married for 25yrs. One day while cleaning their room, she finds a box hidden inside his closet and decides to open it with the thought that her husband is keeping a secret to her. In the box she finds 3 eggs and 10 grand.
This seems very strange so she went to him and asks:
"Why are there 3 eggs in a box in your closet?"
"Well, dear," the husband replies, "everytime I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box."

She's hurt that he had been unfaithful but consoles herself with the fact that they have been married for 25yrs and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.

Wife asks: "Where did the 10 grand come from?"
With head bowed down he answers: "Everytime it reaches a dozen, I sell them!"

They should make another Taken movie about Liam Neeson being underappreciated for keeping his family safe

It should be called Taken 4: Granted

A man drives by a police camera and it flashes...

A man drives by a police camera and it flashes. Relatively sure that he was not speeding, he goes around and drives by the camera again, this time keeping an eye on his speed and going 10 mph under the limit and it still flashes.

Surprised, he goes around and drives by a 3rd time, this time going even slower while looking at the camera. As he passes by, it flashes a 3rd time.

Finding it hilarious, he goes around a 4th time, this time he goes at a crawling speed while making faces at the camera and indeed it flashes. He laughs his ass off and goes home, eager to tell his story to his wife.

2 weeks later he receives 4 infractions for not wearing his seat belt.

A boy stands in his yard with a baseball and bat...

He proudly proclaims "I'm the greatest batter in the world!" He proceeds to toss the ball in the air swings with all his might. He misses and falls to the ground. "Strike one". He tosses the ball again, keeping his eye on it and swings. The ball hits the found with a thud, "strike two". He tosses the ball once again and takes a home run swing, but the ball lands in the grass at his toes, "strike 3". He runs around the yard cheering with hands in the air, "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

It was a quiet night...

...and a man fresh off of work decided to get a drink on his way home. Having gotten a recommendation from a coworker, he headed to a classy bar on the top floor of a nice hotel. To his surprise, there is only the bartender and one other patron sitting in the corner. He sits and orders a drink, keeping to himself. The man in the corner turns to the worker and says "Hey, you see that painting behind the bar there?" The worker looks over and replies that he does see it. "That's an original DaVinci y'know" says the man in the corner. "Well that's very rare indeed!" says the worker. "Mmmhm, and that stool you're sittin' on was recovered from the Titanic." The worker seems a little unsure of the other man, but nods and smiles in response. "And that window right there," says the man "is magic - if you jump out of it, you'll fall all the way down, stop an inch before the sidewalk, and float right back up to your seat". The worker scoffs and says "I might believe that painting's a DaVinci, I might even believe that this stool is from the Titanic, but there is no way that window is magical." So the man in the corner strides across the room and jumps out the window. A moment later, he floats right back up into his chair, totally unscathed! Convinced, the worker leaps out the window...falling to his death. The bartender turns to the man in the corner and says "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

Three men walk into a store

The first is a black man, the second is a white man, and the third is an Asian man. They wander the aisles for a few minutes browsing, and quickly noticed the shop keepers keeping a careful eye on the black and Asian men. Later when they left they began complaining

"I can't believe they did!"

Said the black man

"I know! How terrible!"

Said the Asian man. Then the white man said

"Don't worry, I stole enough for all of us"

"GIVE IT TO ME!" She screamed. "I'm so wet right now!"

She can yell all she wants, I'm keeping my umbrella.

Autocorrect Disaster

A man decides to confess to his friend a secret he's been keeping for a long time over text.

I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant 'WiFi' not 'wife'.

Getting beat

(AP) - A seven year-old Philadelphia, Pa boy was at the center of a Philadelphia courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the ...degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Philadelphia Eagles whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Vatican to elevate pope Francis to sainthood-report

Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Francis of a cc'

My wife has been keeping secrets from me.

I just built a fence and put down some paving. Turns out not only is she a master carpenter she's also an expert brick layer. If only I had known earlier I could have sought her advice before I did the work. It would have saved me from making all the obvious mistakes she pointed out after the work was done.

A couple had a big argument in the car. They didn't talk to each other then entire trip.

They passed a farm with pigs, in which the husband saw an opportunity to break the ice.
"Look, those must be your relatives"
The lady, keeping her cool, replied "In-laws"

My girlfriend told me that she doesn't like that I'm keeping scores in our relationship.

She got a point

The wife and I went to a bank robbers-themed fancy dress party last night...

Well I did and I had a fucking great night !

She had to stay in the car, keeping the car engine running.

cr

Another taxi joke

A taxi driver, late one night, was startled to see a stark naked woman rush into his cab. She told the driver the address of her destination but the driver just continued to stare at her in disbelief.

Finally the woman shouted, "What's the matter? Never seen a naked woman before!"

"No, I'm staring at you wondering where the hell are you keeping the money to pay me"

The problem majoring in Electrical Engineering...

is keeping up with Current Events.

How are Harambe memes keeping up?

Cincinnati Zoo keeps trying to shoot them down.

You're on a horse, being chased by a lion, and a giraffe is keeping up with you. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

Keeping promises to the grave.

Husband and wife are talking.

H: "Tell me the truth, honey: did you ever cheat me?"

W: "Oh, sweetheart, don't say such things"

H: "I mean it, Jennifer. If you would ever cheat on me, I would turn in my grave"

W: "I swear I never did and never will, my love. I would never have sex with another man but you"

Some time later the man dies and after a month the wife dies too. She finds herself in front of the gates of heaven. Approaches to Saint Peter.

"I'm sorry your holiness, I'm looking for a man who died one month ago..."

"Kind lady, every day thousands of men arrive here. Could you be more specific?"

"His name is Jason. He... used to say he would turn in his grave if I cheated on him."

Saint Peter's eyes lights up and bursts laughing. Calls a nearby angel.

"Gabriel, go tell "The Windmill" that his wife arrived."

God and the devil were arguing...

... about the fence that separates heaven and hell. "Your side is falling down," said God.
"just look at it!"
"So what?" the devil said.
"We're both responsible for keeping up our sides. Mine's perfect." God replied.
The devil shrugged. "What are you going to do about it?"
"If you force me to, i'll get a lawyer and sue you,"
said God.
"The devil laughed for ten minutes straight. "Give me a break. Where are you gonna find a lawyer?"

A grandfather and grandson were standing on hill above town.

The grandfather says, "Peter, you see all those houses? When I first came here I helped build all those houses. Do they call me Michael the House Builder? No."

The grandfather points at a church, "Peter, you see that church? I built that church from the ground up. Do the call me Michael the Church Builder? No."

The grandfather waves his hands around, "You see that entire wall keeping our town safe? I built that. But do they call me Michael the Wall Builder? No!"

The grandfather looks at his grandson and sighs. "But you fuck one pig-!"






-as told by Chris Pratt on CONAN

In the USSR we had this joke

But we were keeping it to ourselves so they confiscated it, and threw us in jail.

It's easier if you have no spine

Congress is keeping its members-only gym open during the government shutdown, which is mind-blowing, since I didn't know you could do squat thrusts with your head up your ass.

I finally figured out the secret to keeping your woman happy.

You have to [spoiler] (#s)

An italian, a scot, and a chinese man start their first day working at a construction site...

...so, for their first task, their boss shows them this enormous pile of sand, and tells them they need to move it from point A to point B in two hours.
"You," says the boss, pointing to the italian, "will shovel the sand."
"You," he says to the scot, "will sweep after him."
"and you," he says to the chinese man, "will be in charge of keeping the supplies in check."


The boss comes back, two hours later, and the pile of sand hasn't budged.
"What happened?" he asks.
"The chinese man ran off with the supplies, and we couldn't find him!" the italian and scot both say.
"Seriously?" the boss says.

The boss then approaches the pile of sand, when the chinese man leaps out of it and says "**SUPPLIES!**"


(If you didn't get it, say the last sentence out loud.)

A soccer team goes to a bar after a big win.

The keeper decides to hang out with his close friend, a defense player and his girlfriend. As it comes time to head home, the defender pulls the keeper aside and decides to compliment him on his play.

"You know, you're good as a keeper."

"Oh? What brought this about?"

"Well to start, you've been keeping me from scoring all night."

Two girls are walking home after a night out…

Both of them are busting to go to the toilet so they decide to go in the cemetery. One wipes with her panties then throws them away, the other wipes with a wreath of flowers off one of the graves.
The next day their husbands are talking at work….
"I'm gonna have to start keeping an eye on my wife, she came home last night with no panties on"
"That's nothing, mine came home with a card wedged in her ass saying 'We'll never forget you, from all the boys at the fire station'"

Noticing a woman sitting alone at a table in a bar...

.. a man goes over to chat with her. After talking to her for a while he makes his move.

"Stop!" says the woman as the man tries to kiss her. "I'm sorry but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I truly love."

"Wow", says the man, "that must be difficult."

"It's not too bad", replied the woman. "My husband's quite upset though."

Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns

By keeping his mouth shut.

I'd like to thank the sidewalks

For keeping me off the streets

When is the only time a guy can multi-task?

When he's watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time...

A little boy and a worm

A young boy is walking along, holding an earth worm, when his grandpa sees him and asks what he's doing with the worm. "I'm gonna stick it back in the ground." The grandpa says "there is no way, I'll bet you $5 you can't." "OK" says the boy and he goes and gets a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm while keeping it straight, until it is stiff as a board. He then sticks it in the ground. Dumbfounded, the grandpa hands the boy $5 and goes inside.
A little while later he comes back out and hands the boy another $5. The boy says "but you already gave me money" to which grandpa replies "I know, this is from grandma."

The world map nowadays looks like a human being

Asia is like the brain, all the smart things comes from there.

Middle East is like the stomach, all the churning and rumbling like all the wars happening right now

Europe is like the backbone, try to maintain world peace and keeping the world in shape.

And then there's America, where the asshole trying to expel shit.

A man has to leave the country..

A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.
After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."

Three men get stranded on an island...

A black man, a white man, and an Asian man. The natives say that they will row them off the island if all of there flasid penis lenths add up to 10in. First the black man walks up and measured out to 5in. The white man walks up and reads 4 inches. The Asian man walks up and reads 1 inch.
The natives keeping their word put all 3 of them in a boat and shipped them to the nearest civilization.
On the ride home the asian whispered "I can't believe they didn't notice my erection!"

A lawyer is waiting in a long queue.

He feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders. He turns around. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?

My daughter asked where her names comes from

I told her: well, there are two things keeping your mother and I's marriage together, and they are both named Brandy.

I was arrested the other day for keeping a sick bird of prey.

Turns out it was ill eagle

Marriage Decisions

A man has been keeping 3 girlfriends, and can't decide which one to marry, so he sets us a challenge. He gives each girlfriend $1000.00 and sees what they do with it.

The first one goes out and buys a lot of fashion items. She gets the best make up, amazing skin care lotion, a personal stylist, and the most expensive perfume on the market. When the man next sees her, the new look takes his breath away, and they have wild sex all night.

The man then gives the money to his second girlfriend. She goes out and buys a 60 inch High Definition T.V, an all seasons pass to the man's favorite football team, and an autographed jersey of a Hall of Fame quarterback. When he goes to her again, they enjoy a cozy night of watching sports and chatting before falling asleep in each other's arms.

His third girlfriend invests the money the man gave her. After only 3 days, she triples his initial investment and gives him a complimentary golf set that she got as part of her deals.

When the test was over, the man reviews the way the girls spent the money. Realizing that all the girls are special in their own way, and after lots of confusion and deciding, he picks the one with the biggest tits.

A man is cheating

on his wife, Lorraine. His lover is a girl named Clearly. His wife suspects him of cheating so she is always keeping a close eye on him. He knows that she is always watching so he never gets a chance to be with Clearly. One day, Lorraine had a heart attack and died. At her funeral, the man sings: "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

What are the funniest keeping jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Keeping? Well, here are the best Keeping puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Keeping pick up lines to share with friends.

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