keeping Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious keeping stories

What are the best Keeping puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Keeping? Well here is a complete list of Keeping to have fun with:

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.


Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.


"Give it to me!" she yelled

Give it to me! She yelled.

"I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted.

I was keeping the umbrella.


"I'm so wet!" she screamed at me.

"I'm so fucking wet!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. "Give it to me, now!"

She could yell all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.


My boss noticed I shaved before coming in to the office today

then he told me if i wanted to keep my job I would have to start keeping my pants on


Which spice is the worst at keeping secrets?

Only thyme will tell.


A man moves into a haunted house

After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."


A Man With Sticks in the Middle of Town.

A man is hitting two sticks together in the middle of a small town in suburban America.
Another man walks up and asks, "why are you hitting those sticks together?"
The first man replies, "I'm keeping the elephants away."
Confused, the other man says, "but there are no elephants around here!"
The man with the sticks calmly replies, "You're welcome."


You can tell a lot about a person..

by not keeping their secrets.


2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...

The first nun takes out a condom and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"

"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.

So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.

"What size do you need" asked the clerk.

The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"


What is cowhide mostly used for?

Keeping cows from falling apart.


I asked my masseuse if it was unusual to get an erection during a massage...

the masseuse replied, "not at all it happens all the time."
So i said, "well do you mind keeping it out of my face."



A couple were married for 25yrs. One day while cleaning their room, she finds a box hidden inside his closet and decides to open it with the thought that her husband is keeping a secret to her. In the box she finds 3 eggs and 10 grand.
This seems very strange so she went to him and asks:
"Why are there 3 eggs in a box in your closet?"
"Well, dear," the husband replies, "everytime I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box."

She's hurt that he had been unfaithful but consoles herself with the fact that they have been married for 25yrs and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.

Wife asks: "Where did the 10 grand come from?"
With head bowed down he answers: "Everytime it reaches a dozen, I sell them!"


Shout out to the sidewalks

for keeping me off the streets.

*Friend posted this. Gave me a good laugh.


The problem majoring in Electrical Engineering...

is keeping up with Current Events.


You're on a horse, being chased by a lion, and a giraffe is keeping up with you. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.


God and the devil were arguing...

... about the fence that separates heaven and hell. "Your side is falling down," said God.
"just look at it!"
"So what?" the devil said.
"We're both responsible for keeping up our sides. Mine's perfect." God replied.
The devil shrugged. "What are you going to do about it?"
"If you force me to, i'll get a lawyer and sue you,"
said God.
"The devil laughed for ten minutes straight. "Give me a break. Where are you gonna find a lawyer?"


It's easier if you have no spine

Congress is keeping its members-only gym open during the government shutdown, which is mind-blowing, since I didn't know you could do squat thrusts with your head up your ass.


An italian, a scot, and a chinese man start their first day working at a construction site..., for their first task, their boss shows them this enormous pile of sand, and tells them they need to move it from point A to point B in two hours.
"You," says the boss, pointing to the italian, "will shovel the sand."
"You," he says to the scot, "will sweep after him."
"and you," he says to the chinese man, "will be in charge of keeping the supplies in check."

The boss comes back, two hours later, and the pile of sand hasn't budged.
"What happened?" he asks.
"The chinese man ran off with the supplies, and we couldn't find him!" the italian and scot both say.
"Seriously?" the boss says.

The boss then approaches the pile of sand, when the chinese man leaps out of it and says "**SUPPLIES!**"

(If you didn't get it, say the last sentence out loud.)


A soccer team goes to a bar after a big win.

The keeper decides to hang out with his close friend, a defense player and his girlfriend. As it comes time to head home, the defender pulls the keeper aside and decides to compliment him on his play.

"You know, you're good as a keeper."

"Oh? What brought this about?"

"Well to start, you've been keeping me from scoring all night."


A little boy and a worm

A young boy is walking along, holding an earth worm, when his grandpa sees him and asks what he's doing with the worm. "I'm gonna stick it back in the ground." The grandpa says "there is no way, I'll bet you $5 you can't." "OK" says the boy and he goes and gets a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm while keeping it straight, until it is stiff as a board. He then sticks it in the ground. Dumbfounded, the grandpa hands the boy $5 and goes inside.
A little while later he comes back out and hands the boy another $5. The boy says "but you already gave me money" to which grandpa replies "I know, this is from grandma."


A man is cheating

on his wife, Lorraine. His lover is a girl named Clearly. His wife suspects him of cheating so she is always keeping a close eye on him. He knows that she is always watching so he never gets a chance to be with Clearly. One day, Lorraine had a heart attack and died. At her funeral, the man sings: "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."


One night, the stars had rearranged in the sky

to say "Hello!" The people of Earth were in awe and could not believe their eyes. They all collaborated by turning some lights off and keeping some on. When arranged it said "Welcome. We come in peace" The next night the stars began rearranging again. When finished, they read "Go fuck yourselves earthlings, that wasn't for you"


Studies show that keeping tropical fish at home has a calming effect on your brain.

It's because of all the indoor fins.


What kind of dog is best at keeping secrets?

hush puppies


Embarrassing Trip to the Local Swimming Pool

A young lady was swimming at a swimming pool and was having a great time burning calories and keeping fit.

To her horror, she found that her swimsuit had torn open at the bottom leaving her lady bits exposed.

Using her hands to cover up her modesty, she stealthily exited the pool by the side and grabbed a nearby sign to cover up.

This somehow got her more attention, and she looked down at the sign.

**"Depth 1.8metres"**

Slightly embarrassed, she got rid of that sign and quickly grabbed another.

More stares came her way...the sign read:

**"Men's entrance"**

She could feel her face getting redder by the moment, threw away the sign and grabbed the last one she could grab.

Practically everyone was looking at her now, if not for the spectacle she was causing, but also for what was now on that sign.

**"Repairs ongoing, please enter by the back"**


Best cat jokes lmao

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.

Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd.

What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.

Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? Your lap.

Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark!

How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.

How do cats end a fight? They hiss and make up.

What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.

What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.

If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws.

What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!


"Something's keeping me from masturbating," the young woman confided to her doctor.

"I can't quite put my finger on it."


You know, studies show that keeping a ladder inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun.

That's why I own ten guns. In case some maniac tries to sneak in a ladder!

^(Source: Gravity Falls. Can't find a good clip of the moment)


The Irish have announced they've sent a peace keeping force to Ukraine.

They've managed to secure the city of Chernobyl without any resistance!


The man of Latvian walk street when...

...see the police cab is drive backward.

Man make questioning of police, "why drive the backward?" Officer of Policing respond, "Road narrow. We try to turning around!" Man thinking this is fine; keeping of walk.

Much time in future, man see same polices drive backwards, in opposite direction. Askings, "why the driving in opposite way?" Polices: "We turned around!"


Shoutout to sidewalks

for keeping me off the streets.


A bartender is having a really miserable day and...

... he sees a really fat ugly man walk into the bar, with the biggest grin on his face. The bartender, thinking this guy has no reason to be this happy decides to ask him why the fat man is smiling so much as he comes to order his drink.

He leans in and says, "you look like you're having a good day, what's keeping you so happy?

Man says, "Well, the other day, I found this lady tied to the train tracks on my way home from work, I untied her and we've been having sex constantly ever since."

Bartender now genuinely interested, "Wow, and... did she give you a blowjob?"

Man think for a moment, "Nah... I couldn't find her head"


I want to give a shoutout to sidewalks

For keeping me off the streets.


I want to make a special present for my dad's birthday. How do I make a St. Patrick's Day mocha?

He says Irish coffee is the only thing keeping this family together


Disrespectful parrot.

A little girl is playing around her sleeping dad, when she notices that her dad is naked from the waist down under the blanket. Curious, she wakes up her dad and point to his junk and asks him what is it? Her dad embarrassed tries to explain keeping her innocence,
"sweetheart, this is a parrot, the one's in the bottom are its eggs and the foliage surrounding it is its nest". Saying that he sends her away and goes back to sleep.
A few hours later the girls mom comes home and is shocked to find EMT's taking her husband in an ambulance. While the little girl sits terrified and crying. The mom runs to her and asks what happened?
"Mommy, i got bored and decided to play with the parrot, but after a few minutes of playing the parrot spit on me and i got angry. So i cut the parrots neck, smashed its eggs with a wrench and burned its nest".


Anyone still keeping up with their New Year's resolutions?

I am... Still 1080p


Hippos... It's not as easy as you think...

Why do hippopotamus' have sex in the water?

Have you ever tried keeping a 30lb pussy wet?


In honor of The Walking Dead returning, What do zombie cows crave?

Graaaains! GRAAAAINS!

[Also, I like to think it's zombie cows who are keeping the grass so nicely trimmed in The Walking Dead universe]


Two apiarists meet at a bee keeping convention.

The first bee keeper asks the second;

"So how many bees do you have?"

"Well", the second bee keeper starts smugly, "I have over ten thousand bees and over twelve hives. How many bees do you have?"

"I have over a million bees."

"You have over a million bees!?" exclaimed the second apiarist, "well how many hives do you have?"

"I only have one"

"You keep over million bees in a single hive!?"

"Yeah, fuck 'em they're only bees"


Who is in charge of keeping the ocean clean?

The mermaids.


Shoutout to sidewalks!

For keeping me off the streets...


From Sickipedia

My girlfriend showed me the positive pregnancy test with an apprehensive look in her eyes. "We are keeping it, aren't we?"

"Why?" I asked, surprised. "I thought you can use them only once"


What's the hardest part about keeping a 12 year old girl in your basement?

Finding a new one next year.


So you're riding your horse at a constant speed...

On your right the ground drops off sharply, and on your left is a rhino keeping pace with you. You check behind you and see a kangaroo chasing you. You're filled with fear as you realize that you might be hurt. What do you do to get out of this dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry go round.


A rich Saudi man goes to a bank in the states...

...and is greeted by a young female teller.

Saudi man to teller: 'yo bitch! I need to open up an account.'

The teller: 'excuse me'

Saudi man: 'Yo BITCH! I need you to set up a new account for me.'

The teller gives him a dirty look and calls over her manager and asks to kick him out for using this kind of language.

The manager walks over to the Saudi man: 'What seems to be the problem?'

Saudi man: 'I am telling the bitch that I need to open up a bank account'

The manager keeping his cool not wanting to lose a customer: 'Sir, we don't use this kind of language here in the states. What kind of account did you want to open up anyways?'

Saudi man: 'I want to a regular savings account and deposit $60 million in it'

The manager: 'Okay, and what did the bitch tell you?'


I am looking for the love of my lfe. That's right, I am keeping an "I" out.

But it's true, where are you?!?


"Give it to me!" she yelled...

"I'm so fucking wet! Give it to me right now!"

She could yell all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.


Yo' mama so fat...

The enly thing keeping her alive is her ability to inhale twinkies.


Thor doesn't like telling people he has a younger brother

He's keeping it Loki



You've read some of the best keeping jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty keeping gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these keeping jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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