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Keeping Jokes

194 keeping jokes and hilarious keeping puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about keeping that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article explores the importance of Keeping Jokes as a means to stay in control and keep a positive attitude during life's every day challenges. Learn how to remain cool and warm while Keeping Up, Keeping Mum, and finding your stride with Time Keeping, House Keeping, and other Enforcement techniques. Get tips on how to keep things light-hearted and sticking to your goals.

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Funniest Keeping Short Jokes

Short keeping jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The keeping humour may include short maintenance jokes also.

  1. If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on. I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
  2. America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona By keeping the first one going
  3. My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution Could this be a red flag?
  4. I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement. At least I think they're vegan. They keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'
  5. Harry Potter has way too many characters... Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
  6. My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water" I know he means well...
  7. My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way
  8. My girl keeps having disturbed dream, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!". Always Tolkien in her sleep...
  9. A lumberjack once told me he's cut down 27,572 trees. How do ya know exactly how many? I inquired.
    Easy. I keep a log.
  10. My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

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Keeping One Liners

Which keeping one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with keeping? I can suggest the ones about maintain and hold.

  1. What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display? British
  2. The furniture store keeps calling me back..... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
  3. Where did noah keep his bees? In the ark hives
  4. To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night: I'm not letting you out.
  5. An atom loses an electron... It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
  6. How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Not sure, the guy never told me!
  7. "Dad, I don't want to go visit Grandma" "Shut up, and keep digging"
  8. My wife has a body of a 12 year old.. She keeps it in the fridge.
  9. My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter. But I can't. I'm on a roll now
  10. What's the toughest thing about being a vegan? Apparently, keeping it to yourself.
  11. Where does Obama keep his armies? In the Baracks.
  12. What does "IDK" mean? I keep asking people, but they don't know either.
  13. Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys? Aisle B, back.
  14. My girlfriend says I treat her like an object. I don't know why it keeps saying that.
  15. Why are gay people bad liars? They can't keep a straight face

Time Keeping Jokes

Here is a list of funny time keeping jokes and even better time keeping puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day... It's a vicious cycle.
  • Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's. Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
  • The First Rule of Fight Club... ... Is to not talk about fight club.
    The second rule of fight club...
    Please keep your seat belt on at all times when the light is on.
  • I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
  • I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times I keep getting his answering machine
  • My wife keeps using the old 'men can't multitask' stereotype.. So i said that's a lie.. I can make love to you AND think of your sister at the same time
  • If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on, I'd be like: "Why do all of you keep giving me all these dimes?"
  • As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees. Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.
  • Some young women are like bottles of wine They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
  • I can't take my dog to the park anymore. He keeps getting attacked by ducks. I guess that's the last time I buy a pure bread dog.

House Keeping Jokes

Here is a list of funny house keeping jokes and even better house keeping puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid. But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
  • How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.
  • How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? We wouldn't know, the women always get to keep the house.
  • I love throwing house warming parties But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.
  • Study reveals 20% of men kiss wife goodbye when they leave the house. 80% of men kiss house goodbye when they leave their wife. Conclusion. Want to keep your house, start kissing your wife.
  • My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch.... So I say to her, look Mum, my house, my prices!
  • My girlfriend said that if I keep pointing out features of our house to her, she'd leave me. "Well," I said to her, "there's the door..."
  • Keep that spark alive My wife asked me "Why don't you treat me like you did when we started dating?"
    So I took her out to a nice dinner and then dropped her off at her parents' house.
  • I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
  • Why does paint keep your house warmer? Because it's a coat.
Keeping joke, Why does paint keep your house warmer?

Keeping Warm Jokes

Here is a list of funny keeping warm jokes and even better keeping warm puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Build a man a fire and you'll keep him warm for a night set a man on fire and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life
  • Why do prostitutes love wearing underwear Because it keeps their ankles warm
  • Why do Ford vehicles have heated rear bumpers? To keep your hands warm when you're pushing it
  • How does the winter solstice keep warm at night? It curls up with a cozy cloud blanket and a cup of hot cocoa.
  • How do snowmen keep their heads warm during the winter solstice? They wear "ice" caps!
  • Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. She asked how warm is it inside. I replied Lukewarm.
  • How do you keep warm in cold room? You go to the corner, cause it's always 90 degrees
  • Give a man fire... ...keep him warm for a day
    Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life.
  • Why do Yugo's have heated rear windows? To keep the owner's hands warm when they are pushing it!
  • Why did the sorority girl wear underwear? To keep her ankles warm.

Keeping Cool Jokes

Here is a list of funny keeping cool jokes and even better keeping cool puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you know that an airplane's propeller is only a big fan and is there to keep the pilot cool? Don't believe me?
    Turn it off, and see how much the pilot sweats!
  • A propeller is actually just a big fan to keep the pilot cool... when it stops you can watch the pilot start sweating
  • Green chameleon for sale... No, a red one.
    No, blue.
    No wait, a pink one.
    Cool.
    Never mind, I'm keeping it!
  • My medication says to store it in a cool, dark place. So I keep it in a jazz club in Harlem.
  • Did you know... ...that the prop on the front of a plane is just a big fan to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actully see the pilot sweating.
  • I don't get why women keep complaining about this "glass ceiling" Where I work we have this cool glass floor, though.
  • What is the point of a propeller on a plane? It keeps the pilot cool. If you see it stop, and you will start to see him sweat
  • There's a cool hidden feature on Tinder Keep on swiping right and girls get fatter
  • A man went viral after making a TikTok video describing how to keep cool without any air conditioning. He has a lot of fans.
  • Sports Enthusiasts I got hired by my local baseball team to keep the players cool in the locker room. It was a difficult job because I'm not a fan.

Keeping Up Jokes

Here is a list of funny keeping up jokes and even better keeping up puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo... We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...
  • An essay should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover everything but short enough to keep your attention.
  • I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...
  • My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?
  • How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb? The real question is: who broke the lightbulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?
  • Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race. He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.
  • Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.
  • I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me. He keeps saying, At least I have a real friend.
  • Alabama changed the drinking age to 34 They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
  • TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Keeping joke, TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.

Comical Keeping Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land

What funny jokes about keeping you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean keeper jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make keeping pranks.

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

"Something's keeping me from m**...," the young woman confided to her doctor.

"I can't quite put my finger on it."

The problem majoring in Electrical Engineering...

is keeping up with Current Events.

What is cowhide mostly used for?

Keeping cows from falling apart.

A soccer team goes to a bar after a big win.

The keeper decides to hang out with his close friend, a defense player and his girlfriend. As it comes time to head home, the defender pulls the keeper aside and decides to compliment him on his play.
"You know, you're good as a keeper."
"Oh? What brought this about?"
"Well to start, you've been keeping me from scoring all night."

A man moves into a haunted house

After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."

A Man With Sticks in the Middle of Town.

A man is hitting two sticks together in the middle of a small town in suburban America.
Another man walks up and asks, "why are you hitting those sticks together?"
The first man replies, "I'm keeping the elephants away."
Confused, the other man says, "but there are no elephants around here!"
The man with the sticks calmly replies, "You're welcome."

My boss noticed I s**... before coming in to the office today

then he told me if i wanted to keep my job I would have to start keeping my pants on

The Irish have announced they've sent a peace keeping force to Ukraine.

They've managed to secure the city of Chernobyl without any resistance!

The man of Latvian walk street when...

...see the police cab is drive backward.
Man make questioning of police, "why drive the backward?" Officer of Policing respond, "Road narrow. We try to turning around!" Man thinking this is fine; keeping of walk.
Much time in future, man see same polices drive backwards, in opposite direction. Askings, "why the driving in opposite way?" Polices: "We turned around!"

What kind of dog is best at keeping secrets?

hush puppies

Eggs

A couple were married for 25yrs. One day while cleaning their room, she finds a box hidden inside his closet and decides to open it with the thought that her husband is keeping a secret to her. In the box she finds 3 eggs and 10 grand.
This seems very strange so she went to him and asks:
"Why are there 3 eggs in a box in your closet?"
"Well, dear," the husband replies, "everytime I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box."
She's hurt that he had been unfaithful but consoles herself with the fact that they have been married for 25yrs and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.
Wife asks: "Where did the 10 grand come from?"
With head bowed down he answers: "Everytime it reaches a dozen, I sell them!"

I asked my masseuse if it was unusual to get an e**... during a massage...

the masseuse replied, "not at all it happens all the time."
So i said, "well do you mind keeping it out of my face."

2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...

The first nun takes out a c**... and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"
"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.
So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.
"What size do you need" asked the clerk.
The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"

A man is cheating

on his wife, Lorraine. His lover is a girl named Clearly. His wife suspects him of cheating so she is always keeping a close eye on him. He knows that she is always watching so he never gets a chance to be with Clearly. One day, Lorraine had a heart attack and died. At her f**..., the man sings: "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

You can tell a lot about a person..

by not keeping their secrets.

You know, studies show that keeping a ladder inside the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun.

That's why I own ten guns. In case some maniac tries to sneak in a ladder!
^(Source: Gravity Falls. Can't find a good clip of the moment)

Which spice is the worst at keeping secrets?

Only thyme will tell.

A guy is standing in Times Square hitting two sticks together

A police man walks up to him, thinking he is crazy, and asks "what in the world are you doing?"
The man replies "I'm keeping the mountain lions away!"
The police man says "there's not a mountain lion within 1000 miles of here!"
The man grins "I know I'm doing a pretty good job, aren't I?"

Every time a test comes up, my friends and I joke about how we should become trophy wives.

But it seems like a lot of work to be a trophy wife; always dressing up, keeping in shape, keeping everything plucked. If I married a rich guy, I would probably wear sweatpants, watch Netflix everyday, and get fat on pizza and cookie dough. So instead of being a trophy wife, I'd be an atrophy wife.

I have been trying to lose weight so I've been keeping my junk food in the basement.

This makes it cellary.

I'd like to give a shout out to protons-

for keeping our community positive.

Gravity is just a myth.

We all know it's the white man keeping us down.

Ever since I swallowed a watch I've been keeping myself busy taking laxitives, eating lots of fruit and drinking prune juice.

Anything to pass the time.

A man has to leave the country..

A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.
After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."

Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.

Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?

Because of the indoor fins.

How are Harambe memes keeping up?

Cincinnati Zoo keeps trying to shoot them down.

Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns

By keeping his mouth shut.

I want to give a shoutout to the sidewalk

For keeping me off the street.

Noticing a woman sitting alone at a table in a bar...

.. a man goes over to chat with her. After talking to her for a while he makes his move.
"Stop!" says the woman as the man tries to kiss her. "I'm sorry but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I truly love."
"Wow", says the man, "that must be difficult."
"It's not too bad", replied the woman. "My husband's quite upset though."

Some people worry drinking in the shower is a sign of alcoholism

I just worry about keeping the water out of my beer

What's the Difference Between America and "Keeping Up With the Kardashians"?

I don't even know at this point...

Why is gravity your enemy?

Because it is keeping you down.

I yelled at my wife today for keeping broken condoms on the sofa

She answered that I shouldn't call our kids like that

What's the hardest thing about gay s**...?

Keeping a straight face

Keeping fruit juice in the freezer

It's impopsicle!

My wife has been keeping secrets from me.

I just built a fence and put down some paving. Turns out not only is she a master carpenter she's also an expert brick layer. If only I had known earlier I could have sought her advice before I did the work. It would have saved me from making all the obvious mistakes she pointed out after the work was done.

A gorgeous blonde is stranded on an island...

Two cannibals, father and son, find her.
The son says to the father: Wow dad! She is beautiful! Are we going to eat her?
To which the father replies: No son. Don't be silly, we're keeping her. We're eating your mother.

I've been keeping a count of the prostitutes I've been sleeping with.

Tally h**...!

My girlfriend told me that she doesn't like that I'm keeping scores in our relationship.

She got a point

Vatican to elevate pope Francis to sainthood-report

Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Francis of a cc'

A neighbor's wife knocks on the door

She says "Your kids can't play with our children any more."
"Why?" the man asks, shocked.
"They keeping on calling the other kids gay, you should watch your language around them!"
The man replies "They couldn't have learned it from me, otherwise they would have been calling them faggots"

Never realized how much I take sidewalks for granted.

After all, they've been keeping me off the streets for years.

An attractive woman waits for the stranger next to her to strike a conversation.

She grows impatient and says, "Helloooo, I'm getting old here."
The man replies, "I know. That's why I'm keeping my distance."

They should make another Taken movie about Liam Neeson being underappreciated for keeping his family safe

It should be called Taken 4: Granted

After 30 years of marriage, people always ask, "What's the secret of keeping the romance alive?" I always tell them...

We go to the same romantic restaurant every week, twice a week...
I go on Tuesday. She goes on Fridays.

I'm very worried about my severe coffee addiction

It's been keeping me up every night

After months of my dad asking if I am going to get a haircut, I tell him I'm keeping it. "Why?" He asks.

"It grew on me."

I'd like to thank the sidewalks

For keeping me off the streets

A couple had a big argument in the car. They didn't talk to each other then entire trip.

They passed a farm with pigs, in which the husband saw an opportunity to break the ice.
"Look, those must be your relatives"
The lady, keeping her cool, replied "In-laws"

Quaker home defense

one night john had come home for the day, exhausted from being plain and keeping thoughts to himself and went straight to bed. During the night someone broke in and this roused him from his sleep. leaping into action john grabbed his musket and charged downstairs. upon meeting the robber he leveled his musket and yelled
"friend I don't mean to alarm you but you're standing between me and where I want to shoot"

What is a cats way of keeping law and order?

Claw enforcement!

In the USSR we had this joke

But we were keeping it to ourselves so they confiscated it, and threw us in jail.

What's worse than losing your job as a teacher?

Keeping it.

I finally figured out the secret to keeping your woman happy.

You have to [spoiler] (#s)

It's refreshing to see a President keeping his campaign promises.

Although I'm not entirely sure rotating people through the cabinet counts as creating jobs but the effort is certainly present.

My daughter asked where her names comes from

I told her: well, there are two things keeping your mother and I's marriage together, and they are both named Brandy.

I was arrested the other day for keeping a sick bird of prey.

Turns out it was ill eagle

Depression

The only thing keeping you up at night is not wanting to wake up.

Three men walk into a store

The first is a black man, the second is a white man, and the third is an Asian man. They wander the aisles for a few minutes browsing, and quickly noticed the shop keepers keeping a careful eye on the black and Asian men. Later when they left they began complaining
"I can't believe they did!"
Said the black man
"I know! How terrible!"
Said the Asian man. Then the white man said
"Don't worry, I stole enough for all of us"

A cop pulls over a speeder

"Do you know how fast you were going?" the officer asks.
"130 km/h" the man answers
"why were you going 30 over the limit?" the cop asks, surprised the man admitted to speeding.
"I was keeping up with traffic!"
The officer looks up and down the road. "there's no other cars!"
"I know" says the man, "that's how far behind I am!"

In this day and age, keeping a paper thesaurus around the house is as useless as....

Um....as useless.....as.....um.....

I've got really bad insomnia.

It's been keeping me asleep all night.

An alien walks into a human brain shop

Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.
Alien: I'll take a look.
Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the brain of someone who has watched every single "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episodes ever. It's listed at $200.
Alien: Woah, you're trying to rip me off. Why is the brain of someone that dumb worth so much?
Vendor: Simple, because this brain hasn't been used before.

If there were a lizard school, which students would be the one keeping order?

The monitors.

"GIVE IT TO ME!" She screamed. "I'm so wet right now!"

She can yell all she wants, I'm keeping my umbrella.

You know one the main reasons Jeffrey d**... got caught was because his freezer stopped working and the smell became so bad the neighbors were complaining.

The cops came to his door and said "We heard you were keeping a bunch of spoiled brats in here"

What do you do after you eat gravel?

Sheetrock. For those keeping track at home, yes I repurposed a sheet metal joke from a post on another sub a couple days ago but I worked in construction and this made more sense to me.

What chemicals are best for keeping men away?

Deter-gents.

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You're in for a n**... surprise -
No one knows yet. But we're keeping count.

Why did the coke addict take to bee keeping to get sober?

Finally found something that would give him a buzz

The hot dog

So a traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look too good, either.
Deciding he'd better not take any chances, the guy orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.
The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her arms.
The guy says, "Why are the hamburgers under your arms?"
The waitress says, "I'm keeping them warm."
And the guy says, "Cancel the hot dog."

What's the hardest thing about being an anti-vaxxer?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.
And the mumps.

Hard to s**...

My friend says to me "I'm sick but I'm having a tough time keeping my medicine in me".
"Why don't you try taking it with food like soup or a banana?" I suggest.
A few days later I see him and he's looking a lot better.
"I tried taking my meds with a banana like you said and it worked!" he proclaimed.
"What kind of pills were you taking?" I asked.
"Oh, they weren't pills. They were suppositories."

A blonde was walking down the street with headphones in

A friend of hers stops her, and tries to talk to her
The blonde just stares at them, keeping the headphones in her ears, so the friend removes them for her and the blonde stops breathing
The friend quickly puts the earbuds back in and she starts breathing again
The friend tries it again, and the blonde stops breathing
The friend takes out only one ear bud, and sticks it in their ear and hears,
Breathe in, breathe out, breath in...

It's difficult, but Trump is still focused on keeping campaign promises during this pandemic.

Just a few more cases and Mexico will pay for that wall

I was trying to close my fridge but something was keeping it open.

It was a jar.

The United States appears to be successfully avoiding a second wave

By keeping the first wave going

Keeping joke, The United States appears to be successfully avoiding a second wave

jokes about keeping