Keeper Jokes
124 keeper jokes and hilarious keeper puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about keeper that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out this collection of hilarious jokes and puns about keepers! From bee keepers to lighthouse keepers, you'll get a chuckle out of these amusing one-liners. Plus, we've included a few extra buz and alba puns for the keeper fans!
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Funniest Keeper Short Jokes
Short keeper jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The keeper humour may include short holder jokes also.
- I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo. There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.
- LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don't date a soccer player. There's only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.
- My son started dating a goalie for a women's soccer team and asked me what I thought of her. I said "Son, she's a keeper."
- Guys walks into a piano shop and asks the shop keeper for a wasp! The store keeper says sir. We are a piano shop. We don't sell wasps . The guys says. Then why have you got some in the window?
- What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job? He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
- I went on a blind date and the girl gave me a honeycomb. Knew right away she was a keeper.
- Went on a date with a girl once and she told me she played goalie on her soccer team Right at that moment, I knew that meant she was a keeper
- I tried to join this walking group, but was rejected because they said I didn't walk "the right way." Man, I hate gait-keepers.
- When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, smelling of honey and covered in bee stings You know she's a keeper.
- My mom told me never date a soccer player, Because there is only a 9% chance they are a keeper.
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Keeper One Liners
Which keeper one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with keeper? I can suggest the ones about guard and manager.
- My new girlfriend works at the Zoo. I think she is a keeper.
- I'd never let my daughter date a soccer player There is a 1/11 chance he's a keeper
- I found a girlfriend who's into bees. She's a keeper.
- What do you call a girl who's preventing you from reaching your goal? A keeper
- So my new girlfriend plays soccer professionally I think she's a keeper
- My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our back yard. She's a keeper.
- My wife just set up her beehives in the garden I think she's a keeper
- My girlfriend is a keeper. She's perfect, but I never score.
- today I met a girl that claims to work with bees yeah, she's definitely a keeper
- If you find out someone has 10,000 bees, marry them That's how you know they're a keeper
- Why should you never breakup with a goalie? Because he's a keeper.
- The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper She was wearing massive gloves
- My wife is a keeper She kept the house, the car, and the bank account.
- My boyfriend made a save in a soccer game. That's how I knew he was a keeper.
- What do you call the score keeper at a jihadi football game? The Taliman.
Zoo Keeper Jokes
Here is a list of funny zoo keeper jokes and even better zoo keeper puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Got sacked from my job as a zoo keeper. But as I said in my disciplinary
"all the signs say DON'T feed the animals" - What's the difference between a Stormtrooper and a Zoo Keeper? The Storm Trooper would have missed harambe
- What did the zoo keeper say when he saw the elephant wearing sunglasses? nothing, he didn't recognise him
- Why did the zoo keeper kill himself? He didn't have a porpoise.
- Lost Elephants Zoo Keeper:"I've lost one of my
elephants"
Other Zoo Keeper:"Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
Zoo
Keeper:"Don't be silly, he can't read!" - Disaster at the Los Angeles zoo today when the snake pit was accidentally filled in. The zoo keeper said "it's terrible terrible news, now the snakes don't even have a pit to hiss in.
Bee Keeper Jokes
Here is a list of funny bee keeper jokes and even better bee keeper puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- my girlfriend says she can lick the honey from a beehive so gently that the bees won't even know she's there she's a keeper
- Whenever my father, a bee keeper, would see a pretty lady walk by he would always say "Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder."
- I have like Five Bees in my room I guess you can call me a keeper.
- As soon as you find out someone has 10,000 bees marry them. Because they are a keeper.
Crypt Keeper Jokes
Here is a list of funny crypt keeper jokes and even better crypt keeper puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and the Crypt Keeper? The Crypt Keeper doesn't know it's a puppet.
Rib-Tickling Keeper Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about keeper you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean collector jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make keeper pranks.
A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."
The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine
them to see if there's anything I can do for them."
They were silent for a moment.
Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
A guy walks up to the shopkeeper and asks for a Fender Strat, an Orange Amp and a Mooger Fooger pedal...
...the shop keeper says: "Are you a drummer?" and the guy responds: "Yeah how can you tell?"
The shop keeper responds: "This is a fish and chip shop mate."
A soccer team goes to a bar after a big win.
The keeper decides to hang out with his close friend, a defense player and his girlfriend. As it comes time to head home, the defender pulls the keeper aside and decides to compliment him on his play.
"You know, you're good as a keeper."
"Oh? What brought this about?"
"Well to start, you've been keeping me from scoring all night."
Christmas in July
A guy wants to get a really unique gift for his new wife for their fist Christmas together so he walks into a pet store with a sign advetising an amazing singing parrot. He goes to the counter to explain his situation and inquires about the bird. The shop keeper explains the bird would be perfect and takes the man over to show him what the bird can do.
The shop keeper explains that the bird's name is Chet and that he works on cues then produces a book of matches from his pocket. Lighting one he holds it below the parrots right foot and immediately Chet begins to sing "Silent Night" so beuatiful it rivals Perry Como. The keeper then moves the match to the left foot and Chet begans singing "White Christmas" even more beautifully than the first song.
The man exclaims "Thats amazing, does he know any other songs?"
Oh yes, replies the shop keeper as he moves the match to between the birds legs..."Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire"
Don't date a soccer player...
There's only a 1/11 chance they're a keeper.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Within days I knew she was a keeper..
But what the h**.....so was Barthez.
Why should you date a girl who is good with her hands and plays soccer?
Because she's probably a keeper.
What did the footballer's girlfriend think when she saw him standing between some goal posts?
"He's a keeper"
My friend's been dating Tim Howard
She told me he's a keeper.
Guy sitting in a graveyard
A man works at a graveyard, but he still gets the chills when he is around gravestones. The grave keeper passes by the graveyard one day and sees a man just sitting next to a couple of gravestones. He walks up to the man and asks him, Aren't you scared in this place?"
The man looks at him and smiles, Scared? Not really, I'm just glad to be out of that hole."
I just won a dead lifting competition between a few friends.
I was ecstatic but the graveyard keeper wasn't very happy.
How did the dungeon keeper plan for retirement?
Collecting stocks and bonds.
When I met my wife I knew she was a keeper
She was wearing massive gloves.
Why should I marry Manuel Neuer?
Because he's a *keeper*
The business deal...
A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.
The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.
He returns a few days later and this time orders 50.
The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50 and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"
The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each.
Business is Business!
What do you call a drunk executioner?
A dun-GIN keeper.
Cemetery joke
Man walks into a cemetery- "You have any openings?" The graves keeper nods "Lots!"
A guy takes his family to see monkeys in a zoo...
Unfortunately, the monkeys are indoors furiously mating. The guy asks the keeper, ''Would they come out for a few nuts?'' The keeper replied, ''Would you? ''
As a reward for winning a race, a young stallion was put in a compound with a beautiful female zebra.
As the next day dawned, the keeper ran to see how the stallion had made out and was chagrined to see him leaning up against a tree. His mane was disheveled, his body covered in welts from angry hooves, and he had two giant black eyes. Astounded, the keeper asked what had happened.
The stallion said, "I spent the whole night trying to take off her pajamas."
Ladies, if your man stops the opposing team from scoring a goal...
He's a keeper
Jesus walks into a hotel
He hands the inn keeper 3 nails and asks, "Could you put me up for the night?"
Jesus and Paul are playing golf
Jesus hits his ball out into the middle of a water hazzard. He walks on the water and hits the ball to within a couple of feet of the cup.
The greens keeper walks up to Paul and says "who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?"
Paul replies "no, he think's he's Arnold Palmer"
"Jesus, I've come to you for redemption," I pleaded.
"Sorry sir, that coupon is no longer valid," said the Mexican store keeper.
I've been on three dates with a handsy footballer.
I think she's a keeper.
Blind guy walks into a supermarket...
Starts swinging his dog around his head.
Shop keeper says: "What're you doing?"
Blind guy says "just having a look around"
Cr
Tried to score on my girlfriend in soccer yesterday, but kept failing,
Guess she's a keeper.
A daughter takes her new boyfriend home to meet her parents
Her dad asks, "so, what do you do?"
The boyfriend says, "Im training in Madrid as a goalie. I'm hoping to work my way into the first team next season!"
The dad winks at his daughter, nudges her on the arm and says, "watch out for this one, he's gonna be a real keeper"
Why shouldn't you date a keeper?
You'll never get to score
The day I met her, I knew she was a keeper.
She completely lacked the skill, style or flair necessary to play out-field.
What does the animal control officer use to stay organized?
a Trapper Keeper
An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf.
An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the green keeper for an explanation. That's a group of blind firefighters, they are told. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play for free.
The priest says, I will say a prayer for them tonight.
The doctor says, Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them.
And the engineer says, Why can't they play at night?
I met a girl at a football game
I think she's a keeper.
I guess you can call me a keeper...
I've kept everyone of my ex-girlfriends.....
Gynecologist and wall painting job
Gynecologist had no job and was broke af, after a while and many failed job interviews he gave up on his dreams and found a job as a wall painter.
On the first day, he went to work with two more coworkers to paint some walls in a vacation home at the lake.
After a day of work the team returned and the boss asked the other two coworkers "How was the new guy?"
Coworkers said "Boss, this one is a keeper! I had to promise him a raise, I hope you're not angry".
The boss asked "Why, what happened?"
Coworker answered "Well, the home owners forgot to unlock one room upstairs and we couldn't find the key so he painted the whole room through the keyhole."
A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit…
Why are you doing that? asked the keeper.
The sign says it's okay, replied the visitor.
No, it doesn't.
Yes, it does. It says, 'Do not feed. $10 fine.'
A boy at school
A boy was at school and his teacher asked him to learn 3 new words over the weekend. His father is a pilot and taught him the word "takeoff." His mother is a zoo keeper and taught him the word "zebra." His big sister was going to have a baby and taught him the word "baby." He went to school the next day and his teacher asked, ''What are your three words?'' The boy said, ''Takeoff zebra baby.''
Spain to Portugal keeper
Nacho day!
How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal?
2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.
Heard that David de Gea is sweet, loyal and puts up with mood swings.
He's a keeper.
When my son told me that he found the love of his life at the zoo,
I told him that interspecies relationships are fraught with troubles and would eventually lead to heartbreak. But then I met her and I think she might just be a keeper.
A woman that takes 9 years to spend $375,000
It's a keeper.
What do you call a Colombian coffee farmer?
A grounds keeper.
Why did yhe horse keeper never worry about money?
Because he has a stable job
Why did the soccer player give his girlfriend goalie gloves for Christmas?
Because she's a keeper.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The elephant and p**...
p**... takes his son to the zoo. When they get to the elephants the zoo keeper said, this elephant can tell how old you are with one look. Paddys son shouts, "how old am I"...? The elephant stamps his foot 6 times. Wow says p**... that's right my boy is 6... p**... shouts to the elephant, "How old am I"...? The elephant farts and stamps his foot twice. "BeJesus"... Says p**..., "He's right, I'm f**... two"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Synonyms
s**... Bank = Fapper Keeper
What do you call a keeper of goals?
A goalkeeper.
What did the hotel keeper tell the guest who was complaining about cockroaches?
"It's not a bug, it's a feature."
One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books...
One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books--The Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species. Astonished, he asked the ape, "Not only can you read, you're reading two books at once!?"
"Well," said the chimp, "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's brother."
A shop keeper fought off a robber with just a price gun!
The police are now looking for a person with a price on their head
A guy goes into a grocery store.
He sees a pile of potatoes, and asks the store keeper:
"What are those?"
"Those are potatoes"
"Can I have a kilo of potatoes individually wrapped?"
The store keeper shakes his head and start wrapping potatoes.
"What are those?"
"Those are plums..."
"Can I have a kilogram of plums all individually wrapped?"
The store keeper cusses under his breath and starts packing plums.
"... and what are those?!
"Those are poppy seeds and they are NOT for sale!"
A man is shopping without a mask on....
Man: *looks at store items without wearing a mask*
Shop Keeper: Hey sir, you can't shop hear without a mask on.
Man: Nah I have a Medical condition that makes it hard for me to breathe.
Shop Keeper: Oh, what condition?
Man: Covid-19
An art collector walks by a shop and sees a stray cat drinking from a dish that looks very valuable.
The art collector asks the shop keeper if he could buy the cat.
The shop keeper tells him he can have it for $10.
The art collector asks if he could get the dish as well because the cats already familiar with it.
The shop keeper tells him he can't have it because its his lucky dish.
The art collector asks why it is lucky.
The shop keeper tells him its lucky because he has sold twelve cats this week.
A man goes into a pet store and demands an amazing pet for a very cheap price
The shop keeper says "I have a talking fox for only £20" the man exclaims " foxes can't talk!" While he's rambling on the fox puts his paw up on the desk and says "actually I can talk... I've written 3 books and I climbed up mount Everest for the 2nd time yesterday!" The man says "wow he's amazing, why are you selling him so cheap??" To which the shopkeeper replies "I just can't take the lies anymore..."
On my first day of work as a zoo keeper I noticed one of my male coworkers had a bulge in his pants. I asked him...
"Is that a small monkey in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
He said "Yeah, it's Macaque"
