Keep You Warm Jokes
103 keep you warm jokes and hilarious keep you warm puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about keep you warm that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Keep You Warm Short Jokes
Short keep you warm jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The keep you warm humour may include short keep warm jokes also.
- Build a man a fire and you'll keep him warm for a night set a man on fire and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life
- I love throwing house warming parties But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.
- Why do ford vehicles have heated rear bumpers? To keep your hands warm when you're pushing it
- How does the winter solstice keep warm at night? It curls up with a cozy cloud blanket and a cup of hot cocoa.
- Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. She asked how warm is it inside. I replied Lukewarm.
- Give a man fire... ...keep him warm for a day
Set a man on fire, keep him warm for the rest of his life. - Why do Yugo's have heated rear windows? To keep the owner's hands warm when they are pushing it!
- A knitted afghan can be a good accent piece that can also keep you warm... That's just a blanket statement.
- The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate. That way you can keep your hands warm when you're pushing it home in the winter.
- My buddy takes his date's jacket to keep warm if it's cold... And they say shivering is dead.
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Keep You Warm One Liners
Which keep you warm one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with keep you warm? I can suggest the ones about stay warm and staying warm.
- Why do prostitutes love wearing underwear Because it keeps their ankles warm
- How do snowmen keep their heads warm during the winter solstice? They wear "ice" caps!
- How do you keep warm in cold room? You go to the corner, cause it's always 90 degrees
- Why did the sorority girl wear underwear? To keep her ankles warm.
- How do you always keep yourself warm? Go to the corner - it's always 90 degrees!
- Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers? To keep his ankles warm.
- How do you keep paint warm? Put on a second coat
- What do Mexican people use to keep warm? Faheaters.
- Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm.
- How do teenage boys keep warm? Jackit
- Why do squirrels sleep on their stomach? To keep their nuts warm.
- How to keep warm in a cold room? Go to the corner. It is always 90 degrees
- How do snowmen keep warm With a snow blanket!
- What did the canadian dino wear to keep warm? A Jurassic Parka
- How does a Mexican keep warm ? They use chicken for heaters
Keep You Warm Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about keep you warm you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean keeping warm jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make keep you warm pranks.
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
Fishing in a frozen lake
It was a cold winter day.
An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him.
The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish.
Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.
"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble.
You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish!
How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"
A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road.
The wife gets out and brings it back to the car.
"We need to take it to a vet. Its shivering, it must be cold, what should I do?" she asks.
Husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
"But it stinks!" she exclaims.
"So hold its nose!"
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “green side up!”
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “green side up!”
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled “green side up!”
The lady then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?”
“I’m sorry,” came the reply. “But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
A married couple go to a restaurant.
A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it.
The man asks, "Where's the burger?"
The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit.
"I was keeping it warm," she replies.
The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order."
This guy is out fishing on a cold morning
and he is not having much luck. Well, down the dock he notices an old man who is doing great, just reeling in fish after fish.
He goes over and ask the old man what's his secret. The old man just mumbles something incoherent. The younger man leans in, "I'm sorry, what?"
The old man mumbles again, this time a bit louder.
"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you."
The old man turn his back, spits a w**... into his hand, turns back and says, "You have to keep your worms warm."
The elbow
A man is complaining to his friend: "My elbow really hurts. I think I need to see a doctor." His friend answers: "Dude, this is 2012, in the supermarket they have a new computer that can diagnose much faster and cheaper. Just place a u**... sample in the machine and it says what's wrong, and that only for $1!"
The man decides to take a shot, fills a glass with u**..., goes to the supermarket, finds the computer and pours his u**... into the computer. Immediately a small paper is printed and comes out of the computer: "TENNIS ELBOW. Keep your arm warm for a few days and avoid heavy lifting. In two weeks you'll be better."
The former scriptkiddie is impressed and decides to see if he can confuse the computer. He mixes dishwashing water with diarrhea from his dog, together with some u**... from his wife and daughter. To finish it he masturbates and drops his s**... into the cup and mixes everything again.
when he arrives in the supermarked he drops his mixture into the computer. The computer spits out a little less small paper: "Your tap water contains too much calcium, buy softener. Your dog has parasites, give him medicines. Your daughter smokes marihuana, speak with her. Your wife is pregnant and you're not the father, get yourself a good lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!
A husband and wife are headed to a dinner party.
As they're driving, the husband accidentally runs over a skunk. The wife, all concerned, makes him stop to see if the skunk is okay.
"Honey, it's still alive! We can't just leave it here," the wife says.
"Dear, it's only a skunk. Let's go."
"No. We have to take it to the vet."
"Fine. We'll go after the dinner party. When we get to the party, just keep it under your dress to keep it warm."
"But what about the smell?"
"I don't know. Just hold its nose."
Girls on GoneWild
Q: Why do girls on gonewild wear p**...?
A: So that their ankles would keep warm
The Lonely Widow
Jack and Joe go on a road trip, but after driving for an hour, the car breaks down. They get it working, but they're seriously delayed and will never make it to the hotel they were going to stay at in time.
Upon seeing a farmhouse just off the road, they drive in, and ask if they can park in the barn and stay in their car for the night, to keep warm. The woman who owns the farm is unsure and says "I am a widow, people will talk if you stay here overnight" but the men assure her they'll be gone before sunrise, and no one will ever know, so she lets them stay.
About 9 months later Jack rings Joe and asks,
"Did you sneak off that night we stopped in a barn on our road trip, to go and see the widow?"
Joe responds, "Well, actually I did, yes, why do you ask?"
"Did you give her my name and address Joe, instead of yours?"
"Well, um, yes, I'm afraid I did, why, is there a problem?"
"Oh no it's fine." replies Jack, "She died and left everything to me."
The Lone Ranger and his faithful American Indian sidekick Tonto are riding the plains.
The Lone Ranger and his faithful native American sidekick Tonto are riding the plains. It's midwinter and bitterly cold so the heroic duo enter a saloon for a warming drink.
The bartender takes one look at Tonto and shouts: "Get him outtahere. We don' serve no i**...!"
Faithful Tonto agrees to wait outside while the Lone Ranger has a quick drink. To keep warm he decides to run around his horse.
Alas the drink proved too enticing for the Lone Ranger and poor Tonto was soon forgotten.
Eventually after a few hours, a cowboy sauntered in, looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "Is that your horse outside?"
"Yes, why?" asked the Lone Ranger.
The cowboy answered, "You've left your i**... runnin'."
Two guys were out on a lake ice fishing
One looks at the other and sees that he's got a pile of fish, and asks him,
"hey buddy, how'd you catch so many fish and I'm sitting here with nothing?"
"Eep or orms orm" the man grumbled
"What?"
"Eep or orms orm!"
"Buddy, i got no clue what you're saying!"
The man spat in exasperation and said, "Keep your worms warm!"
The three most important things to have in a survival situation.
Every survival kit needs to have three things.
1) A zippo: Trusty lighter to start fires to cook food and keep warm.
2) A good knife: Something to be able to help build a shelter and hunt.
3) A standard deck of playing cards: As soon as you realize you're stranded, deal out a game of solitaire on the ground. About half way through your game, someone will come up behind you and say "That can go there." Boom, you're saved.
Fishing secret
A guy is out ice fishing and he hasn't had a bite in hours, but the fellow next to him is pulling in fish after fish. Exasperated, the man finally approached the successful fisherman to find his secret.
"What's your secret buddy, I mean you've been pulling in fish left and right all day long."
"Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" the guy says.
"What??"
"Ooo gahh takee darmns orm"
"I'm sorry, I just can't understand you."
"Oh...," he says and spits something in his hand.
"You've got to keep the worms warm."
Stolen Wood
John was feeling guilty, so he went to church for a confession.
John: Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I stole some wood from a construction site.
The priest: Well what did you do with the lumber my son?
John: Well my sons wheelchair ramp was broken so I fixed it.
The priest: At least you did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My dog was cold so I built him a house.
The priest: I guess you still did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My car was cold, so I built it a two-car garage to keep it warm.
The priest: That is a little out of hand...
John: But father, I still had a little wood left. My wife had always wanted a bigger house, so I built a second floor for our house.
The priest: Whoa! That's way too much! You are going to have to make a Novena for penance. Do you know how to make a Novena?
John: No, but if you have the plans I have plenty of wood.
Why do blondes were p**...?
To keep their ankles warm.
Two ants meet in the south for the winter to keep warm...
...and one is cold and shivering on when he arrives. "that will be the last time I ride to Florida in the moustache of a man on a motorcycle, I'm freezing!"
The other ant says "Just do what I do, hitch a ride between the legs of a beautiful woman. It's the warmest way to travel."
The shivering ant says "That's what I did, but I dozed off, and woke up in the moustache of a man on a motorcycle."
Why do blondes prefer cotton underwear when its cold
To keep their ankles warm
It is so cold that Bill Clinton is sleeping with his own wife to keep warm!
How do astronauts keep warm?
Space heaters!
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road...
They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."
A blonde buys a thermos
She brings it to work and shows it off to all of her friends.
friend: "What does it do?"
blonde: "It keeps warm this warm and cold things cold."
friend: "What do you have in it right now?"
blonde: "A cup of coffee and two popsicle!"
I run a nonprofit organization that helps keep homeless substance abusers warm during harsh winters.
It's called Snuggies for Druggies
An Irish prayer...
On a cold winter night; an older Irishman walks down the street using his prized glass flask of whiskey to keep warm. Just as he returns it to his back pocket he slips on ice and falls with a crunch. As he lay there assessing his injuries, he feels warm liquid running down his leg.
He closed his eyes and said, "Please Lord, let it be blood."
Jim and Sarah were driving around the countryside
when they ran over a skunk. "We better take the skunk to the vet, Sarah. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm." "But, Jim, what about the smell?" "Don't worry, the skunk will get used to it."
Why do squirrels have bushy tails?
To keep their nuts warm.
I think that homeless children should get coal for Christmas...
We need to keep them warm enough to shovel our driveways!
What is the best feature of a Trabant?
There's a heater at the back to keep your hands warm when you're pushing it.
How do you keep Haile Selassie I warm?
A Jah-Koozie
I can think of one benifit global warming might bring...
LA will be under water if we keep it up.
How do Mexicans keep warm?
They use chicken fajitas.
Why do blondes wear pants?
To keep their ankles warm
Peter and John walk into a Japanese bar
Peter and John are sitting at the bar. Peter orders some rice wine, and John orders a beer. Peter gets up to go to the restroom. A few moments later, their drinks arrive.
John says to the bartender: this is chilled, can I get a hot cup to keep it warm?
The bartender replies: For your beer?
To which John replies: No, for Pete's sake!
A man orders a soup in a restaurant ...
This man sits in a restaurant and orders a soup. After some time, the waiter approches with the soup, keeping his left thumb in the soup itself.
The man notices this, and after the waiter arrives at the table he asks slightly angry "Hey, why do you put your thumb into my soup?"
Waiter: "I have a very serious infection in that finger, and my doctor told me to keep it warm all the time."
Now the man was serious angry and yells to the waiter: "So? Why don't you push the thumb up in your a** to keep it warm??"
Waiter: "Yes, this is what I always do after I served the soup"
I like to start my mornings with a nice warm cup of Joe...
...But d**..., his fingers keep clogging up my blender!
f**... homes are a great place to hit on women.
No matter how many times you punch them, they will never complain about it.
Or: They might give you the cold shoulder at first, but if you keep at it, they'll eventually warm up to you.
Or: Because of recent trauma in their lives, they are very receptive to having s**....
NASA has reported a solution for Global Warming
They said they'll keep the Totality Solar Eclipse there for a while while the earth chills out
How did Han Solo survive outdoors on Hoth at night?
By keeping Luke warm.
What do you call a politician that keeps your hands warm?
Mitten Romney
I'm having trouble keeping my hands warm with fingerless gloves.
Any tips?
What brand of chips both satisfy your hunger and keep your feet warm?
Tostitos
I bought my G/F a nightie with fur around the bottom....
It helps keep her neck warm.
Why do w**... wear underwear?
To keep their ankles warm
QUILTS ARE THE BEST THING TO KEEP YOU WARM
Just a blanket statement.
Give a man a match, keep him warm for a second
Light a man on fire, keep him toasty for the rest of his life.
A Cowboy and a Native American
A Cowboy and a Native American walk into a saloon in the old west, the bartender looks at the Native American and says "We don't serve your kind here."
The Cowboy turns to the Native and says "I'll order our food, just go outside and run the back and forth up the road to keep yourself warm."
The Native American obliges. The Cowboy orders and is sitting there waiting for their food and having a drink when a man walks in and says "Whose horses are those outside?"
The cowboy replies "They're mine"
The man says "Well you left your i**... running."
Why does Bill Clinton wear underpants?
- To keep his ankles warm of course!
Pet Skunk
A fellow always wanted to own a pet skunk, so in the dead of winter, he took his girlfriend with him to go hunting for one.
After a bit of waiting, they bagged a skunk and brought him back to the truck. The skunk was very scared and very cold, so the guy asks his girlfriend if she can keep the skunk between her legs to keep him warm.
"But what about the smell?" asks his girlfriend.
"Oh, he'll get used to it, just like I did."
Baby Skunk.
Dave and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold night in Wisconsin, when Anne yells at him to stop the car. Anne jumps out and picks up a little bundle that was laying in the road. She brings it back to the car and it turns out it was a baby skunk. It was barely alive, but very cold.
Anne says, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
Dave says, "Okay, get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to keep it warm?
"Put it between your legs. It ought to be nice and warm there."
Anne says, "But what about the smell?"
"Just hold his little nose."
I wish Ford installed heated bumpers.
Would keep my hands warm while I'm pushing it to the side of the freeway.
Give a native American a blanket and keep him warm for the winter.
Give him a Smallpox blanket and keep him warm the rest of his life.
The hot dog
So a traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look too good, either.
Deciding he'd better not take any chances, the guy orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.
The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her arms.
The guy says, "Why are the hamburgers under your arms?"
The waitress says, "I'm keeping them warm."
And the guy says, "Cancel the hot dog."
A married couple are out on a drive when..
They see a wounded skunk...
They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up and brings it to the car.
She says look, it's shivering. It must be cold. What should I do?
The husband replies put it between your legs to keep it warm.
She asks what about the smell?
He says hold its nose
My job title is "Thermal Generation Engineer for Recumbent Structural Apparatus."
I keep a chair warm.
Adam walks into a cafe and orders tea
Adam ordered a cup of tea in a cafe.
So, a waiter brought it for him but dipped his fingers in it.
Adam asked "Hey m**..., why are you dipping your fingers in my tea?"
The waiter replied, "My finger is injured and the doctor advised me to keep it warm."
Adam said, "Then shove it up your a**...!"
Then the waiter said, "Yeah, that's where I keep it when I am not carrying tea"
If you give a man fire you keep him...
...warm for a day. If you set him on fire, you will keep him warm for the rest of his life
A woman's dog falls into a river
She screamed for help and a strong Russian man jumped into the river and rescued the dog. After the dog was out, he told the lady to wrap him in towels to keep him warm. The lady asked "are you a vet?" And the Russian man replied "are you insane of course I'm wet."
a traveling salesman ...
So a traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look much better.
Deciding not to take any chances, the salesman orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.
The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her arms.
The salesman says, "Why are the hamburgers under your arms?"
The waitress says, "I'm keeping them warm."
And the salesman says, "Cancel the hot dog."
Keep 'em warm
Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.
Bob can't believe it, he yells over " whats your secret?"
"woogatkakeptewrwm" he answers back.
"what did you say?" replies Bob.
The man spits a large ball of worms into his hand and says to Bob, " you have to keep your worms warm".