Keep Smiling Jokes
53 keep smiling jokes and hilarious keep smiling puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about keep smiling that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Keep Smiling Short Jokes
Short keep smiling jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The keep smiling humour may include short smile jokes also.
- Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened Unless it didn't happen then keep on crying
- On my cake day, a joke that always makes me smile: Where did the General keep his armies? In his sleevies!
- What you have when you keep crashing drones but always with a smile on your face? Downsyndrone
Share These Keep Smiling Jokes With Friends
Keep Smiling One Liners
Which keep smiling one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with keep smiling? I can suggest the ones about sitting smiling and beautiful smile.
- Why do gay people smile so much? It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
- why do gay people always smile? Because they can't keep a straight face
- Why are gay people always smiling? They can't seem to keep a straight face!
- Keep Smile!!! Life is Short, Smile While You Still Have Teeth
- Why are g**... always smiling? Because they can't keep a *straight* face.
Keep Smiling Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about keep smiling you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean make her smile jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make keep smiling pranks.
A king wants his daughter to have a husband so he puts up a flier.
The first guy comes and the king puts green glitter on his daughters private part.
The next mornning the king checks the guys private part and there's green glitter all over it.
More and more guys come along and the same thing keeps happening.
Finally, one day this guy comes along.
The king puts the green glitter on his daughters private part, and the next mornning checks the guys privates and there was no green glitter.
The king is thrilled and offers the man his daughters hand in marriage.
The guy smiles to accept with a mouth full of green glitter.
s**... with the priest's wife
Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees.
After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of s**... questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.
Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Bob's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".
A woman smiling
Not my joke but wanted to post it here. A bit dry but I find it funny.
At a bar a woman keeps smiling at a man. Finally the man walk over to her.
Man: I would like to ask you to come over to my place.
Woman: Are you trying to pick me up?
Man: No. I'm a dentist.
A Scottish man in a kilt is having a few drinks with some friends...
...when the barmaid asks him "do you wear underwear under that kilt?" He smiles and says "Stick ya hand up there lass an see for yer self". She declines, but as the night wears on her curiosity grows so she asks again, and again he says "Stick ya hand up there lass an see for yer self". she decides to call him on his bluff and suddenly jams her hand under the kilt.
Slowly a look of Horror spreads across her face and She says " OH MY GOD! IT'S GRUESOME! The Scotsman says "I know! Keep ya hand up there an it'll grew some more!".
How many sheep?
A blonde woman is tired of people assuming she's s**... and dyes her hair red. Feeling empowered, she goes for a car ride down a country road. Soon she sees a farm with hundreds of sheep. She walks up to the owner of the farm and makes this proposal: "These sheep are adorable, if I guess how many there are, can I keep one?" The farmer agrees, surely out of all the sheep this woman can't guess the number exactly. She looks around and replies "There are 593 sheep" The farmer is awe-struck, the number was exactly right. So the woman picks her sheep and is getting back in the car when the farmer runs up to her and yells "WAIT! If I can guess your natural color can I have him back?" The woman smiles and agrees, she already proved she's too smart to be called a blonde. The farmer replies "you're a blonde, now can I have my dog back?"
Pinnochio has a big frown on his face...
Pinocchio has a big frown on his face and Gepetto asks him what's wrong. Pinocchio tell him that his girlfriend has stopped having s**... with him on account of the splinters she keeps getting. Gepetto thinks about this for a little while and comes up with an idea. He hands Pinocchio a sheet of sandpaper and tells him that he can use it to get rid of splinters.
The next day, Pinocchio walks in with a huge smile on his face.
Gepetto notices and asks "Did your girlfriend like the new, smoother you?"
Pinocchio responds "Who needs a girlfriend?"
A man goes over to his girlfriend's house..
But when he arrives her friend answers the door, she tells him to sit down, he does, she then starts talking about s**..., how much she likes him, and finally, that they should cheat on the girlfriend. The man stands up, and with a blank face, walks outside. At his car is his girlfriend, who runs up to him and tells him, "I trust you." He smiles as they drive off.
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car
There's these two Irish guys...
And it's St. Patty's Day, so the two are getting blasted. In their drunken stupor, they strike up a conversation.
The first Irishman goes, "Hey there Laddie, where are ya from?"
The second one replies, "Oh me? I'm straight from Ireland!"
The first Irishman smiles brightly, "NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"
The two Irishmen down their drinks and keep chatting.
"Well, where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin!"
"NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"
Again, they down their drinks as their excitement (and drunkenness) increase.
"Well, did you know Ol' Johnny Brennan?!?"
"He was one of my best friends!"
"NOOO WAAAAY! ME TOO! A round of drinks!"
While the two Irishmen are finishing their drinks, another partron comes and sits at the bar. When the bartender comes over, the newcomer says, "How's it going Mickey!"
Mickey, the bartender, replies, "Pretty good, pretty good. The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
A boy asks his dad for help on a school project...
The dad asks him what the project is on. "It's about real versus virtual." The boy replies. The dad thinks for a second, then asks his son to follow him.
The dad approaches the little boy's mother and asks her, "Honey, if you were given $1 million, would you have s**... with the neighbor?" The wife thinks for a few seconds, then says yes she would. The dad smiles and nods, then walks away calling his son to follow. "Dad, I don't get it, what does that have to do with anything?" The dad smiles at his son and keeps walking.
He approaches his daughter next and asks her, "Sweetie, would you have s**... with the neighbor for $1 million?" The daughter replies without hesitation that she would. The dad and his boy walk out of the room, and he kneels down next to his son. The boy looks confusedly at his dad and says he still doesn't get it.
The dad says, "You see, *virtually*, we have $1,000,000, but in reality, we're just living with two w**...."
A man walks into a bar......
An Irishman man walks into a bar in New York City. He orders three whiskeys. The bartender pours him one and says, "Lemme know when you want the next one." But the man says, "I think you've misunderstood me. I'd like all three at once." The bartender pours two more drinks. The man drinks down the three drinks, pays, and leaves.
This goes on almost every night for a couple of weeks. Finally the bartender asks the man why he orders three drinks at a time, since there's no real advantage to it. So the man tells him, "When I left the auld sod I promised my two brothers that whenever I sat down to take a taste of the creature, I'd order one for me and one for each of them. That's why I order three at once." It makes sense to the bartender, so he's satisfied.
The man keeps coming back almost every night for more than a year. He and the bartender get to know each other pretty well. Then one day, the man orders only two drinks. This goes on for a couple weeks, but the bartender is afraid to ask if anything happened to one of the brothers. Finally, the man comes into the bar and only orders two drinks, again. The bartender figures he has to ask, and summons up the courage to say, "I noticed you've been ordering only two drinks for the last few weeks. Is everything allright with your brothers?" The man looks at the bartender, puzzled, then realizes what he is implying. He smiles and says, "Yes! My brothers are fine, but I've given up drinking for Lent."
An old woman walks to the bank with two big bags...
An old woman walks to the bank with two big bags, and one of them has a hole with lots of money being dropped. A policeman notices it and lets her know. Then, he asks:
"May I ask how you have that insanely big amount of money?"
"Of course! It's a nice story!"
The lady tells him her the story:
"A few years ago, a football stadium was built next to my house. This is very annoying because when there's a match, lots of people are shouting at the streets, and also, when the match finishes, some of them come to pee at my garden! That's why I started to do something: when there's a match, I hide in a bush, waiting for someone to come and pee. When they are ready, I show up with my big secaturs and I tell them: if you want to keep you manly parts, you'll have to give me all the money you have!"
The policeman then asks:
"Oh, ok, and... what do you have in the other bag?"
The old lady, with a big smile, says:
"Well, not everyone had enough money!"
Man with a mission
A guy is standing next to an open manhole cover. While smiling and giggling he points down towards the manhole and keeps repeating Twenty six... Twenty six.. Continuosly.
Curiosity got the better of one drunk passerby who was slightly amused by this behaviour. He moves closer to the dude standing by the manhole and asks with a smile on his face.. Hey.... What you upto ?
The guy with a clearly visible grin and a hint of increasing excitement on his face, looks down towards the manhole and points to it then says TWENTY SIX !!!....TWENTY SIX !!!
The drunk man decides to move closer to the manhole to have a better look. Just that moment when the drunk man bends over to look inside the manhole, he is pushed down inside by the lunatic. The lunatic laughs and giggles uncontrolably and starts saying... Twenty Seven.. Twenty Seven..
Saw others translating Russian and Romanian jokes and thought I'd share two Hungarian ones (but be warned, Hungarian humor is terrible)
György had a headache and asked his friend for advice, and his friend said he could cure the headache by hammering a nail into the place it hurt. So he lined up the nail and was getting ready to hit when he saw György cringing. "What are you scared of?" the friend asked, and György replied, "I'm scared that you'll miss!"
---------------
A man says to a woman, "I wish you would bring your smile over to my place."
The woman replies, "Aren't you a ladies' man!"
And the man replies, "No, I'm a dentist."
---------------
Still reading? You're crazy! Okay, here's a "bonus" one.
An electrician enters the room in the hospital where they keep the patients on life support and he calls out, "Take a deep breath, everyone! I need to change a fuse!"
Life
Old man has 8 hair on his head.
He went to Barber shop.
Barber in anger asked:
shall i cut or count ?
Old man smiled and said:
"Colour it!"
LIFE is to enjoy with whatever you have with you, keep smiling
Jack says to his friend Mike, I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?"
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of s**... questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."
A man is walking down the street...
And he sees a gnarled, wrinkled little old lady sitting on her porch. He starts to just keep walking, but he notices that the lady has a huge charismatic smile on her face.
The man walks up and says to her "Excuse me, I Couldn't help but notice how vibrant you look. Can you tell me what you've done to maintain what appears to be such a youthful exuberance?"
The lady responds "Sure, I get up every morning and smoke 2 stogies while I have my coffee with bourbon. Then I have some sausage for lunch, smoke some cigarettes and sometimes a joint before I b**... one of the guys I hang out with."
The man says "Oh my god, we've got to get you on tv! You've lived a long healthy life living like that! Exactly how old are you?"
The woman says "24."
Friendship
Bob goes to his friend Johnny and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?"
Johnny doesn't like it but being Bob's long time friend, he agrees. After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of s**... questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Johnny what he's really up to.
Johnny, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied".
The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Johnny's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago".
So i was in the bar the other day.....
When i started hearing voices saying "nice shoes" and "lovely smile", I started wondering who was saying it so i went to the bartender and said "Mate, do you know who keeps saying nice things to me" He replied "Its the peanuts mate" I replied "Peanuts, What do you mean" The bartender replied "Yea they're complementary"
My girlfriend invites me to her home, and she wasn't there, but her sister, who leaned in and said:
''We should have s**... right here, when my sister isn't here.'', I got up, and ran to my car, when my girlfriend stood there with a smile. ''I knew I could trust you!'' she said when she hugged me and kissed me passionate.
Moral of the story: Always keep condoms in the car.
The mystery of the Last son [long]
A man had four sons. The elder three were tall, muscular and blonde. The fourth son was a brunette and lanky.
The man always questioned if the last son was his. It would eat him inside. But to keep the sanctity of his marriage and family he never bought the topic up.
On his deathbed, he held his wife close and asked her "Darling, is the last child mine? Be truthful so I can die a peaceful death."
The wife replied "Yes dear. He is your own flesh and blood."
The husband breathed his last, content with a smile on his face.
His wife, wiping her tears, felt relieved he didn't ask about the other three.
Back in high school..
...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinning. The cute girl is completely staring now. I completely break down and stop spinning. She frowns, and I'm trying so hard to keep cool, but I had absolutely no power whatsoever. The teacher turns and plugs me back in, and I start spinning again. I was a metal fan in high school.
Sherlock and Watson were walking through an orchard...
As they walk Watson keeps asking Sherlock to identify the trees they are seeing. After some time they approach a clearing and in the centre is a lone tree.
Watson asks "Sherlock what is that tree with yellow skinned fruit?"
Sherlock smiles and replies "That's a lemon tree, my dear Watson"
Just last week a smiling barack obama overpaid for hot dogs at my stand, but kindly insisted I "keep the change, son, I don't want it"
It was at this moment I realized how far our beloved president had truly fallen.
My Last 3 Boyfriends gossip
Two female co-workers are chatting it up, and they are discussing the boyfriends they've had in the last year.
One girl says "The last 3 boyfriends I've had, I've named after soda pops. The first one I called 7 Up, because he had 7 inches and he knew how to keep it up.
The second one I called mountain dew, because when it came to mounting he knew what to do.
The third I called Jack Daniels. Then the other girl interrupts saying "Hold on a minute. Isn't Jack Daniels hard liquor?"
The girl smiles and says "Yes it is"
Something nice happened to me today.
I'm a huge metal fan in high school. During math class, a beautiful girl sat next to me. She turned me on so much but she didn't notice me though. I tried really hard to impress her and she is hot.
Now the teacher is passing back the last week's test. She looks at me and she starts smiling and playing with her hair. I'm spinning and I can't handle it.
The teacher then trips over me. I broke down and stopped spinning. The beautiful girl then frowns. I looked back at the front of the room while trying hard to keep cool. I have no power.
The teacher plugs me in. I start spinning. I'm a huge metal fan.
Sean Connery's doctor told him...
...that it wasn't healthy to keep eating entire eggs, shells and all. "Just give it up for 40 days in the spring, and I bet you'll feel better."
The actor took his advice, and returned after 40 days.
"How was it?" the doctor asked.
Sean Connery smiled. "Eggshell-Lent!"
A lawyer was travelling in an almost empty train.
A lady approaches him and says "Put everything you have in this bag or I'll shout that you are molesting me." The lawyer signals that he is deaf and mute and asks her to write what she just said on a paper. She does so. He smiles and keeps the paper in his bag and says "Now do whatever you want!"
Woman Saved by Ugly man
Ugly guy walks into a bar with a huge smile on his face.
***Bar keep*** asks him 'what are you so happy about?'
***Ugly guy*** says 'Well I was walking home and I found this woman tied to the train tracks, I untie her and we go back to my place. We do it every way imaginable, all night long!'
***Bar keep*** says 'Wow that's some story! What did she look like?'
***Ugly guy*** says 'I dunno, never found the head'
A little girl walks into a pet shop
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper bends down to her level, smiling, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl leans forward and whispers, "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
Jack goes to his friend Mike
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of s**... questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"
3 drunk guys entered a taxi
The driver- who knew the 3 of them were drunk, started the engine and then shut it off again after a few seconds. He then tells them, "alright guys we're here now!"
The first drunk guy gave the taxi driver money. The second drunk guy smiled then said, "thank you and keep the change." The third drunk guy slapped the driver hard across the face.
The driver was shocked, thinking the third guy knew what he had just done. But then he turned and asked him, "hey what was that for!?"
The third drunk guy replied, "control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
My son was dating a girl, Stephanie, that I wasn't really fond of...
The last time he brought her over to the house, I said with a smile 'Hi there Amber!' She had a look of horror. 'Sorry, I can't keep all these girls' names straight' I said with a grin. I haven't seen her since!
A man and his wife are eating at a restaurant when another woman smiles and waves at him
"Who is that woman, dear?" the wife asks.
"She's no one," he responds.
But his wife keeps badgering him, so he relents, "Okay... that's my mistress."
"And who's that other woman with her?" the wife asks.
"That's Bob's mistress," the man replies.
"Ours is prettier."
An old man is selling watermelons...
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
Young Timmy asks his mother a question.
"Mummy?" begins Timmy
"Yes, Timmy?" she responds, a smile on her face.
"Why do you jump up and down on Daddy's tummy in bed at night?"
Slightly shocked, she held her composure. "Well, Timmy, it's because I'm pushing all of the air out of Daddy's tummy so that it doesn't look so big any more."
"Oh," said Timmy, looking confused.
"Is there a problem, Timmy?" asks his mother.
"Yes, Mummy. You shouldn't bother squashing Daddy's tummy any more because Aunt Tracey comes over every morning when you're at work and keeps blowing it back up again."
Doctor and Engineer wanted to date the same girl
The girl said to both what can you do for me. The Doctor being well-off bought the girl a diamond ring and the girl smiled and said thank you. The Engineer brought the girl an apple and the girl was confused. She said "why did you bring an apple?". The Engineer replied "An apple a day, keeps the Doctor away"
A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.
By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.
After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."
"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."
Revenge on a four-year-old child
A while ago, I invited my friend to my house for dinner. He brought along his four year old child, who made a mess of my house, and destroyed two of my expensive plates. I was so angry, but after all, I couldn't vent my anger on a young child. I had no choice but to smile and keep my composure.
I led the child over to my piano, where I allowed him to randomly hit a few keys. I remarked "Wow, your son has a good musical sense, he's quite talented!"
I heard the child hasn't had any free time ever since.
«I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of s**... questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."
Yesterday I was on a Edible Plants and Folk Medicine Nature Walk
The guide noted that St. John's Wort is believed to be useful for mood, including anxiety and depression.
Older woman who keeps asking questions: "There seems to be a lot here, don't the deer eat it?"
Me: "If they did, they might jump in front of cars less."
The naturalist was able to mostly hold back his smile.