Keep Fit Jokes

35 keep fit jokes and hilarious keep fit puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about keep fit that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Keep Fit Short Jokes

Short keep fit jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The keep fit humour may include short getting fit jokes also.

  1. My girlfriend is really helping me to keep fit. Every time she mentions marriage, I run a mile.
  2. An old woman picks up the phone She hears a man's voice say "If you can guess what I have in my hand I'll give it to you"
    The old woman says " Hello? if it fits in one hand you can keep it!"
  3. A man finds another man with his wife in bed. In a fit of rage, he shoots him. The wife says, Keep it up and you'll lose all your friends
  4. When my grandfather reached the age of 65 he started running a mile a day to keep fit... He's 70 now and we have no idea where he is!
  5. My gran started walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try and keep fit She's 70 odd now and I've not got a clue where she is.

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Keep Fit One Liners

Which keep fit one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with keep fit? I can suggest the ones about fitness and workout.

  1. How did Jesus keep his form? He did cross-fit.
  2. How do epileptics keep fit? With strobe lights.
  3. I invented something to keep the inside of my car quiet. It fits right over her mouth.
  4. How did Roman magistrates keep fit? Pontius Pilates.
  5. Why does Christ keep talking about his ripped abs? Cross fit

Keep Fit Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about keep fit you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fitter jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make keep fit pranks.

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...

The first nun takes out a c**... and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"
"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.
So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.
"What size do you need" asked the clerk.
The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"

Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette

It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a c**... out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.
The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.
She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"
The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"


An old man finds a c**... in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a c**...," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a c**....
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."

Two ladies smoking

Two old ladies were standing outside smoking cigarettes. It starts to rain, so one of the old ladies takes out a c**..., cuts the tip off and slides it over her cig to keep it dry. The other lady is amazed at her inventiveness! She goes to the pharmacy and tells the pharmacist she needs some condoms. The pharmacist, puzzled, looks at her and says "ma'am they come in all shapes and sizes, which ones do you need?" She replies "doesn't matter, as long as it fits a Camel!"

Two old ladies smoking

Two old ladies are outside smoking cigarettes when it starts to rain. One pulls out a c**..., cuts off the tip, slides it over her cigarette and keeps smoking.
The other old lady is surprised and asks about it. The first one explains that it's just a c**.... She buys them at the pharmacy and uses them to keep her cigarettes dry when it rains.
The second old lady is intrigued by the idea and the next day she heads to the pharmacy. She goes up to the counter and asks for a pack of condoms.
The pharmacist asks what size she needs and she says, Just whatever will fit a camel.

A 90 year old man gets married...

A 90 year old man gets married to a 20 year old. He goes to the doctor to make sure that he is physically fit enough for relations.
The doctor then says, "You know how young folks can get lonely without someone of their own age to talk to, why don't you get a young border to... keep her company?"
The 90 year old man thinks this is an excellent idea. Later the doctor meets up with him and asks, "How is your wife?"
The old man says, "Great she is pregnant."
The doctor then says, "And how is your young border?"
The old man replies, "Just as great, she is pregnant too!"

Since we are doing time period jokes: A Joke from the Great Depression.

Government: you have two cows
Socialism: You keep one cow's milk and the government takes the other and gives out its milk.
Communism: The government takes both cows and gives its milk away as it sees fit.
New Dealism: You get rid of both your cows and milk the government.

Another three friends brag about s**....

Friend A starts "I won the lottery last month and now women keep having s**... me, I've slept with at least one girl a night since!"
Friend B counters "Well I'm a model with over 2 million Instagram followers. I pick up several women a day all willing to have s**... with me!"
Friend C, in a fit of jealous rage kills both friends and screams over their corpses "Well now I'm going to prison so I'll have s**... everyday for the next 25 to life!"

A woman was taking a bath when the doorbell rang

She thought she could just pretend like she isn't home, the person would leave and she could keep bathing. "Hello? Anybody home? I'm the blind guy"
She thought to herself "Well, if he's blind, then maybe I won't have to dress up. She got out of the bath, walked to the door and opened it.
"Wow!" Said the man. "You should be on a fitness studio advertisement! Now, where should I put those blinds?

A man is stopped by a traffic cop...

'Did you know you were three miles over the speed limit, sir? The officer asks.
The man begins to explain 'I'm really sorry officer I'm late for my a**... stretching appointment'
Seeing the perplexed look on the officers face he continues, 'what they do is, put one finger in and work it around until they can fit two in, then keep going until they can get four in, then a hand, then both hands, then both arms to the elbow and it keeps going until my a**... is six foot wide'
The officer, still perplexed, says 'what can you do with a six foot a**...?
To which the man replies 'Stand him by the side of the road with a radar gun.'

Two old ladies are smoking and it starts to rain

Two old ladies are sitting outside of the nursing home, smoking a couple cigarettes and it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a c**..., snips the top and puts it around her cigarette. Confused, the other lady asked what she was doing. "Oh it keeps my cigarette dry when it starts to rain." The other old lady runs down to the drug store and asks the clerk where the condoms are. The clerk says, "well we have a few different kinds, what size did you need?" the old lady responds, "it doesn't matter, it just has to fit a camel."

A woman buys a pack of cigarettes....

And leaves the store to light one up and enjoy it. But as she was trying to take a drag of the wonderful cig, the rain extinguishes it, forcing her once again to light it, only again for the rain to stop her from enjoying it. So having given up on smoking at present she begins her walk down the sidewalk. As she is walking down the sidewalk, she happens upon another women happily enjoying her smoke in the rain.
"excuse me miss. But how do you keep you cigarette lit in this rain?" She asked.
"easy," says the woman " I just put a c**... over it to keep the rain off."
Flabbergasted by this idea the woman rushes back to the convenience store.
"did you forget something?" Asked the owner
"yes," she replied "I need condoms!"
"what size ma'am?" Asked the shopkeep
"anything large enough to fit a camel!" She said.

Embarrassing Trip to the Local Swimming Pool

A young lady was swimming at a swimming pool and was having a great time burning calories and keeping fit.
To her horror, she found that her swimsuit had torn open at the bottom leaving her lady bits exposed.
Using her hands to cover up her modesty, she stealthily exited the pool by the side and grabbed a nearby sign to cover up.
This somehow got her more attention, and she looked down at the sign.
**"Depth 1.8metres"**
Slightly embarrassed, she got rid of that sign and quickly grabbed another.
More stares came her way...the sign read:
**"Men's entrance"**
She could feel her face getting redder by the moment, threw away the sign and grabbed the last one she could grab.
Practically everyone was looking at her now, if not for the spectacle she was causing, but also for what was now on that sign.
**"Repairs ongoing, please enter by the back"**

Football and accountancy in one joke

A Sunday League football team is desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced to play a chicken. Rather surprisingly the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next threading the perfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross.
At half time all its team-mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half.
On the way the ref starts chatting with the chicken.
"Great first half mate, you must be really fit".
"Thanks", replied the chicken, "I try to keep myself fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before work".
"What do you do then?" asked the ref.
"I'm a chartered accountant" replies the chicken.
At this point the ref immediately brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The bemused team-mates gather round the ref and start complaining.
"Sorry lads", says the ref, "I had no choice - *Professional fowl*".

Three old ladies smoking...

So three old ladies are sitting on a bench in front of a drug store enjoying a nice cigarette. All of a sudden it starts raining. Two of the ladies pull out condoms, unroll them over their burning cigarettes and then continue smoking. The third lady obviously asks about this, to which another lady replies: "Well whenever it starts raining we put a c**... over the cigarette which acts like a raincoat and we can keep smoking!" The first lady thinks this is such a grand idea that she gets up and heads into the drug store. She walks all the way to the back counter and tells the pharmacist, "I'd like to buy a box of condoms, please." The pharmacist, a little confused and slightly grossed out, says, "Ok, what size would you like?" The old lady replies, "Oh it doesn't matter. Whatever you think will fit on a Camel.."

A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over...

A drunk man driving a Lamborghini is pulled over by a police officer.
As the officer approaches the car, the drunk man jumps out of the door and tries to make a run for it. The cop, furious, catches up to the drunk man and brings him back to his car.
The officer proceeds to reach into his pocket and pull out a piece of chalk, which he uses to draw a circle on the ground around the vehicle and its intoxicated owner.
After the cop obtains the drunk man's license and registration, he informs the man that he will be arrested if he takes a single step out of the chalk circle.
The cop returns to his car, when he hears the drunk man giggling in the background. He returns and tells the drunk, "If you continue laughing, I'll break your car. Shut up and keep quiet."
Not ten seconds later he hears the drunk man snickering once again. The cop takes out his club and shatters the windshield of the Lamborghini. The drunk man's laughter grew even louder.
The cop yells, "stop laughing!" as he takes out his rage on the Lamborghini even further, breaking all of its windows and batting away at the car's exterior.
The drunk's laughter increases into an uncontrollable fit, as he is practically rolling on the ground beside his mutilated Lamborghini.
At last, the cop furiously asks, "Why do you keep laughing!!?"
The drunk man stands up and says, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times."

This joke my cousin's grandmother told me...

Two old ladies were outside on a cigarette break during the rain. One lady slipped out a little plastic covering for her cigarette to keep it from getting wet. The other lady turned to her and asked her what she had. She replied "Oh this, it's just a c**... and I cut off one end so I can keep my cigarette dry from the rain"
The lady thought this was genius. So she went to the pharmacist that night. She asked the pharmacist, "Do you have any condoms that would properly fit a Camel?"

How to keep kids from acting up in class

A former Sergeant , having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence ... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

2 old ladies are having a smoke outside when it starts to rain.

One lady says to the other, Do you wanna know how to keep your cigarette dry when it rains? The second lady responds, Sure . So the first lady proceeds to tell her to buy a pack of condoms and each time she's having a smoke out in the rain, get out one of the condoms, place it over the cigarette and it will stay dry. Well the second old lady thinks it's a great idea so she strolls down to her local pharmacy to buy a pack of condoms. When she gets to the pharmacy, she asks the person behind the counter for a pack of condoms. The sales person behind the counter responds What size? The little old lady pauses and thinks for a second and then replies The size that fits a Camel!