Keep Calm Jokes
38 keep calm jokes and hilarious keep calm puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about keep calm that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Keep Calm Short Jokes
Short keep calm jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The keep calm humour may include short remain calm jokes also.
- Keeping tropical fish at home can have a truly calming effect on the brain. Due to all the indoor fins.
- Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain? Because of the indoor fins.
- I keep having this reoccurring dream Every night I dream I'm constantly changing between being a teepee and a wigwam. I went to the doctor and he told me "Calm down kid, you're two tents.".
- What did the database admin say when he recovered a corrupted database? Keep calm and query on.
- If you think you have telekinetic powers like Carrie White's then you should ... Keep calm and NOT Carrie ON ....!
- One of my friends was struggling with exponents in math class today I told him
"It's ok, just keep calm and you won't have an exponent-al crisis."
Share These Keep Calm Jokes With Friends
Keep Calm One Liners
Which keep calm one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with keep calm? I can suggest the ones about stay cool and calm.
- Keep Calm and… NO!!!
If you keep calm, you will never be a Super Saiyan!!! - Why can't the cops keep calm and carry on ? Because they carry guns instead
- Keep Calm And... beat a dead horse.
- What does Marshawan l**... use to keep himself calm before the big game? Marsh-Mellows
Keep Calm Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about keep calm you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean keeping cool jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make keep calm pranks.
A Man With Sticks in the Middle of Town.
A man is hitting two sticks together in the middle of a small town in suburban America.
Another man walks up and asks, "why are you hitting those sticks together?"
The first man replies, "I'm keeping the elephants away."
Confused, the other man says, "but there are no elephants around here!"
The man with the sticks calmly replies, "You're welcome."
A maid asks for a raise
A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason.
"I'm a better cleaner than you are." The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. "Your husband told me that." The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise.
The maid says, "I'm better in bed than you." The queen's jaw drops open and asks "DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT DID HE?".
The maid replies calmly with, "No, the driver did."
The queen curses quietly, "Shhh. Keep it down, its 25% okay?"
A young first officer asks his Captain
A young first officer asks his Captain,
"Sir, why does not my ability evolve. I don't seem to be getting better at flying?"
And the Captain patiently answers: "Son, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?"
"Yes, my sir, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones but without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, sir, I have already witnessed it."
"Then the moon .. when it touches the calm water reflecting all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, sir, I have also observed this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all these s**... things instead of focusing on flying the aircraft."
Ship captain is in charge of keeping ship's log.
He notes "NE wind, calm sea, today first mate is drunk." After seeing that first mate asks captain to remove the note about him as it would harm his career. "No, I can't do that" declines the captain "we only write the truth in the log." Seeing there is nothing he can do first mate drops the issue. Next day it's his turn to keep the log and he writes "N wind, calm sea, today the captain is sober."
A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.
So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.
The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.
The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine, put in a dollar and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to you or the machine?"
Emergency Services
An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with
her dismissal.
It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating: "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."
Apparently, "Keep calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an appropriate response.....
An old lady visits her doctor...
...and says to him:
"Doctor, I have a problem. I keep f**... all day long, luckily they don't smell and are dead silent, can you do something to make it stop?"
"Take these pills and come back after a week for a checkup."
One week later she comes by and says:
"Doctor! Not only didn't the f**... stop, but now they are smelly as a landfill!"
The doctor replies:
"Calm down, miss. I cured your sense of smell, now to do something about that hearing."
Why banks fail
Why banks failed?
A n**... & drunk woman boards a cab in America.
Driver of the cab, keeps staring at her and does not start the cab
Woman: Haven't you seen a n**... woman before?
Cabbie: calm down. I am not staring at you. I am just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me?
Moral:
This is what most of the banks failed to do. Assessing the repayment capacity before enjoying exposure…
A man is verbally abusive to his wife, but
she always keeps her cool.
He asks her "I'm always so abusive to you, how come you're always so calm?"
"I scrub the toilet" his wife replies
"I don't get it?!" He says
"I use your toothbrush"
911 Emergency Call
"911, what's your emergency?"
"I'm out hunting and my buddy just fell in a hole, I don't think he's breathing, I think he's dead."
"Okay, keep calm. The first thing we need to do is make sure he's dead."
*shot fired*
"Okay, he's dead, what next?"
A man who called the police said...
Officer please help me! There are dead bodies everywhere!!!! The officer responded: please calm down sir and keep your nerves, where are you right now? The man answered: at a graveyard
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby.
The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.”
A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.”
The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”
A man catches a cab in a new city
A man lands in a new city and catches a cab to the hotel. As they approach a red light, the cab driver keeps going, not stopping.
Man asks what's going on?
Cab driver responds oh don't worry, my brother always runs through red lights.
They keep going, and the cab driver doesn't even slow down for a stop sign. Man yells what's the deal?, clearly furious.
Cab driver calms him down, reminds him my brother never stops at stop signs. Relax.
Up ahead the next light turns green. Cab driver slams on the brakes, bringing the car to a screeching halt. Man is furious and confused.
Before he can say anything, cab driver says have to be careful- my brother might be driving today!
Silent and Odourless
An old man visited his doctor for help with a problem.
"Doc, I don't know what's wrong, but I f**... all the time. It's weird because they are silent and odourless, but they keep coming out. In fact, I've f**... about 6 times just sitting here. What can I do?"
The doctor replied, "Here, take one of these pills every morning and then come see me in a week."
A week later, the old man came back to the doctor and he was upset. "Doc, those pills didn't help - they made it worse! I'm still f**..., but now they stink something fierce!"
The doctor replied, "Calm down, sir. Now that we've cleared your sinuses, we can work on your hearing."
Little man in a bar, staring sadly at a shotglass for hours.
A big burly guy comes in, slaps him on the back, and downs the shot in a single gulp. The little guy bursts into tears.
"Hey, calm down, man, it was just a joke," says the big guy. "Look, I'll buy you another drink."
"No, you don't understand!" blubbers the little guy, struggling to keep it together. "I'm having the worst day of my life! Today at work, I flubbed a big sales deal. The boss chewed me out in front of the whole company and fired me on the spot. I came home early to find my wife in bed with another man. And just when I had decided to end it all, you went and drank my poison!"
Trump And The Vending Machine
In a calm White House, Trump finds no one to serve him a coke.
Embarrassed and outraged, he walks until he finds a vending machine. Trump has never seen a vending machine.
Bigly has some change in his pocket; touching money gives him luck.
Trump puts a coin into the machine and this one delivers a can.
Then he inserts another coin which delivers another can.
Trump goes on until he's spent all his change.
Lucky for him, an intern passes in a hurry, looking down. He stops her and embarrassed, he asks her for some change.
Confused at the all scene, she asks why?
"I keep on winning!" trump says.
A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife's temper.
The doctor asks, What's the problem?
The man says, Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.
The doctor says, I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't s**... it until she either leaves the room or calms down.
Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The man says, Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?
The doctor says, The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.
Haven't done that in a year..
A Dad wakes up and starts making breakfast on New Years Day. The son comes down to the kitchen and as the Dad serves him eggs he goes:
"Morning son, it looks like you haven't eaten all year."
The son scowls at the terrible Dad joke and digs into his eggs. The daughter comes down to the breakfast table and the Dad pours her a glass of orange juice:
"Good morning Daughter, you must be thirsty. It looks like you haven't had anything all year. "
both children scowl and continue their breakfast. The wife finally comes down to the table and as she sits down the father rolls some sausages on to her plate.
"Good morning Wif--"
The son interupts:
"OKAY DAD WE GET IT. TAKE A DAILY ACTIVITY, SAY YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT IN A YEAR- NOT FUNNY"
The Dad calmly keeps serving breakfast and says:
"Son, I was just telling your Mother to enjoy her sausages. The joke wouldn't work since this would be her second serving today."
A wife accompanies her husband to a follow up appointment at his doctor.
Things go normally, but as they are about to leave the doctor asks if he can talk to her privately. The husband goes to the waiting room.
The doctor tells the woman, "I didn't want to scare him, but your husband has a very serious heart condition. As long as he is treated properly, he should live a long life."
"What do we need to do?" says the wife.
"Well, you are going to have to keep him calm and relaxed at all times. Don't make him do anything around the house. Message him if he feels stressed. Cook his favorite meals. Let him watch what he wants on TV. Anything you can do to keep him happy and relaxed."
The wife leaves the office and her and her husband get in the car.
"I'm dying to know, what did he want to say to you?" says the husband.
"You have two weeks to live."
Temper cure...
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't s**... it until he either leaves the room or calms down.
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
Husband's Temper
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't s**... it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."
Now that you put it that way...
A christian m**... spends a year in a remote African village spreading the gospel. In that time the tribal chiefs daughter gets pregnant, and eventually has a baby that turns out to be white.
Outraged the chief confronts the m**.... Being the only white person his daughter had ever met, he accuses him of being the father and betraying his trust.
Calmly the m**... walks with the chief to the edge of the village where some sheep are grazing.
"Chief, there is always an explanation for everything. For example, you have over one hundred white sheep out there, but in the midst of them all is a single black lamb, and nobody even questions why. Now look at your situation and try to find understanding in your heart for this strange set of circumstances we now find ourselves in."
After silently watching the flock of sheep for a few moments the chief replies to the m**....
"Tell you what. You keep quiet about that little black lamb out there and I won't say anything about the baby."
Three strikes
Wild west. Newlyweds are on their way from the church in their carriage when the horse trips.
‒ "One", counts the husband, to the bewildered glance from his new wife, and they keep going.
Shortly, the horse trips again.
‒ "Two", counts the man, again receiving a puzzled look from his woman.
A little while later the horse trips for a third time.
‒ "Three!", proclaims the man, jumps off the carriage, walks over to the horse and shoots it dead.
The wife, shocked and appalled, runs up to the man and starts shouting at him:
‒ What *are* you doing!? You can't just get rid off something because it has made three mistakes, you can't apply a three-strike rule to everything you have in your life!!
The husband, calmly, looks at his wife and says:
‒ "One"...
Brave Captain Smith
One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue. Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast. The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.
Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said, "Bring me my red shirt." The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Captain Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.
The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs afterwards when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle. He responded: "If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me."
The crew had a new found admiration for its captain, and they talked all night about his bravery. About a week later, there loomed on the horizon 10 pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said, "Boys, bring me my brown pants!"