Kansas Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, I'm so sorry

... but you can't count Missouri twice.

Why is Oklahoma so windy?

Because Kansas sucks, and Texas blows

What do a Florida hurricane, a Kansas tornado, and an Arkansas divorce have in common?

Some poor sap's gonna lose a trailer.

Two guys from New York go on a cross-country trip and end up walking into a bar in Kansas.

After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, "Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?" "I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth," the bartender explains. "The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."

Southwest

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

A man had a terminal illness.

His doctor says he only had six months to live and there is only one treatment. The doctor tells him he had to marry a woman that yells at him constantly and move to Kansas.

Will it help? asks the man.

No, says the doctor, but it will be the longest six months of your life.

Southwest Airlines

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So, the little boy asked the flight attendant: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant asked: "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

He said that she had.

With a clever grin, she said: "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

I started taking fish out of Kansas City and bringing them into Kansas. The local vegans and fishermen got mad at me.

I said, What, I'm just putting them out of their Missouri

Long Flight

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they're all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I've come for some courage.

No problem! says the Wizard. Who is next?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Wellโ€ฆIโ€ฆI think I need a heart.

Done, says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.

Not a problem! says the Wizard. Consider it done.

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, What do you want?

Ummm, he says quietly, is Dorothy around?

What do buzzards in Kansas eat?

Carrion, my wayward son.

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado...

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado, that hits a state funeral they're all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.


What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I've come for some courage.

No problem! says the Wizard. Who is next?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Wellโ€ฆIโ€ฆI think I need a heart.

Done, says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.

Not a problem! says the Wizard. Consider it done.

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, What do you want?

Ummm, he says quietly, is Dorothy around?

Why do all the trees in Kansas lean south?

Because Oklahoma sucks.

If Dorothy missed Kansas, what did Toto miss?

They missed the rains down in Africa

Kansas, Colorado, New Mexico, and Texas are all about to Outlaw Interstate Begging

These four states are all against the Oklahoma panhandle.

A guy is scoping out chicks in a bar...

...when he sees one wearing a Kansas City Chiefs jersey.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi. My name is 21 Point Lead."

The woman laughs and replies, "That's not your name!"

The guy says, "You're right, but I figured anyone wearing a Chiefs jersey would blow a 21 point lead."

How do you keep the Kansas City Chiefs away from your house?

Paint a goal line on your driveway.

My favorite bad Christmas joke

Dolf is the weatherman at KTVY, the local CBS affiliate in Kansas City. He's also a closet communist, and has a bit of an anger management problem. During their Christmas Eve broadcast Dolf forecasts a cold and rainy Christmas day, then turns it over to Erin, the anchor he's been dating for the past few months:
"Dolf, are you sure its just rain for tomorrow? I bet everyone's praying for a little snow tonight!"
"No no Erin, just rain for tomorrow"
"Are you sure we can't look forward to a white Christmas?"
"NO! RUDOLF THE RED KNOWS RAIN, DEAR!"

What's the inverse of Kansas?

Arkansas

Did you hear about the band Kansas getting arrested for kidnapping at the airport?

They tried to carry-on my wayward son.

Why don't any pirates live in Kansas?

Because they all live in *Ar*kansas.

Why can't you find pirates in Kansas?

They all live in Arkansas

What's the difference between the Kansas City Chiefs and a dollar bill?

You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

What do you call a Kansas cover band composed of physicists?

Baryon my wayward son!

Did you ever notice...

That Kansas is a progressive rock band but a conservative state?

What do you call Kansas overrun by pirates?

Arkansas

Bernie Sanders is like the Wizard of Oz...

...because he took Kansas by storm.

What is a good reason to live in Kansas?

Family.

It was decided that a great banquet would be held to honor Midwestern athletes

The organizers decided to invite twelve of America's finest sportsmen, specifically Cleveland baseball players and Kansas City (American) footballers. Six special chairs were made with the Cleveland logo, and six with the Kansas City. On the night of the banquet, though, there was a problem. Seven KC players showed up, while only five Clevelanders did. Since the special chairs could not be fixed, this was a calamity! The evening's host decided to contact the chief organizer, who could not attend due to a conflict.

"What's the issue?" barked the suit.

Responded his deputy, "We've got too many Chiefs, and not enough Indians."

What did Kansas say they're lesser known sister band?

O-hi-o! I must have missed you there!

Is the Capitol of Kansas pronounced "Wichitay" or "Wichitah?"

It's pronounced "Topeka."

What does Kansas and jews have in common

Dust in the wind

What do you call Kansas with a gun?

Arkansas

Why do diners in Kansas put a red star next to Vanilla ice cream?

to warn that it may be considered "too spicey" for the average customer

Where Do Pirates From Kansas Go?

AR-kansas

I took pi to Idaho, Kansas and Utah ....

My math teacher always told me to take it to three dismal places

The kid of a guy from Kansas asked his dad which type of bag to bring for his flight.

"'Carry on', my wayward son..."

Why did Missouri decided to also name their side of the river "Kansas City"?

Because Missouri loves company.

What is a Kansas pirate's favorite state?

Arrrrkansas

Where did the Pirate from Kansas move to?

Ar-Kansas

Kansas City Chiefs respond to Kareem Hunts 8 game suspension with

Well, it's better than a kick in the crotch


P.s is this a British saying!?

What are the funniest kansas jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Kansas? Well, here are the best Kansas puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Kansas pick up lines to share with friends.

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