jury Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious jury puns

Harvey Weinstein joke with journalists

Journalist: Were those nude photos of you that the jury looked at?

Harvey Weinstein: No, it was Playboy !

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My friend got jury duty

So I drove him down to the courthouse. He came out 5 minutes later and said we could go. I said "How did you do that?" He said it was easy, just pretend to be super racist and they let you go. So I tried it myself a couple weeks later.

Apparently it doesn't work if you're the defendant.

Note: This is an original joke. Any suggestions on how I can clean it up a bit, make it a little punchier?

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Jared Fogle was sentenced to 16 years in prison

He told the jury that he was happy with anything under 18

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Lawyer and the devil

So a young lawyer is sitting in his office when the devil appears in front of him.

"I've got an offer for you" the devil explains

"Go on...." Says the young lawyer

"Well from here out your practice will grow 10 fold, your partners will all respect you, your clients will all love you, you'll have a golden tongue with any jury, you'll get all the vacation days you could ever want, and you'll live to be 100" replies the devil..."all I ask is that you wife's soul, your children's souls, and your children's children's souls rot in hell for eternity"

The lawyer leans back in his chair and inquisitively asks, "what's the catch?"

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Not guilty

Paddy went to trial for armed robbery.
After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted Paddy. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

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Lawyer and Witness

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.
The following exchange took place between the lawyer
and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident
happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well,
sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly
that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took
out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer
would ask me that question."

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Open and Shut

A man's wife disappears and he's accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client's wife actually alive, but she'll walk through that door in ten seconds."

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens.

Think about that, the lawyer says. The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.

He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty.

Guilty? says the lawyer. How can that be? You were all watching the door!

Most of us were watching the door, says the foreman. But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the door.

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Sleepy Juror in a Rape Trial

The plaintiff's lawyer calls his client to the stand.

Lawyer: "Would you please tell the jury what your attacker said to you, just before he raped you?"

Woman: "Oh, I couldn't. It was filthy."

Lawyer: "How about if you just write down, so you don't have to say it out loud, and we'll show it to the jury?"

The woman complies and writes down on a piece of paper what her attacker had said: "I'm going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before."

The bailiff hands the note to the foreman, and the note is passed from person to person among the jury. Juror #6, a woman in her mid twenties, starts to hand the note to the Juror #7, who has fallen asleep. She elbows him awake and give him the note. He reads the note and then sticks it in his shirt pocket.

The judge says, "Juror #7, would you please share that note with the rest of the jury?"

The man responds, "It's personal, your honor."

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A Man named McMurphy is accused of robbing a bank...

On the last day of his trial, the foreman of the jury stands up.

"Have you reached a verdict?" asked the judge.

"We have your honor..." replied the foreman. "Not guilty!"

"Excellent!" shouted McMurphy "Does that mean i get to keep the money?"

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A Man In Court

A man has just been found guilty by the jury. The judge asks him "do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?"

"Fuck all," says the defendant.

The judge asks his defence council "what did he say?"

"He said 'fuck all' your honour."

The judge replies "are you sure, I could have sworn I saw his lips move!"

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A man is up for murder

A man is up for murder and discovers his friend a member of the jury
He asks him with great glee "will you please try and get me sentenced with manslaughter"
His friend decides to take up the request.
The mans day in court comes up and he is sentenced with manslaughter, delighted he turns to his friend ans says "was it difficult to get everyone else to go with manslaughter"
His friend replies "it wasn't easy the rest of them didn't think you were guilty at all"

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I had a court date this month. I screamed about my innocence and begged them for mercy.

I did not get picked for jury duty.

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Pornhub was sued a few months ago by xhamster

The trial was long and hard, but ended with a hung jury

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A jury finds a man not-guilty in court...

During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which the prosecutor exclaimed: "All 12 of them?"

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I hate it when people want to argue over the use and meaning of words. For example, I like to think of myself as a "ladies man."

But the jury preferred the term "rapist."

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Who will have child's custody

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

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Why did the jury decide Ester was not guilty?

Because Ester is in a scent.

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What do they call Jury Duty in Australia?

Didgereedooty

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Arrogance

Back in the days when Los Alamos was a small company town, a noted theoretical physicist was called as a witness for the prosecution. Rising to take the stand, the great man smiled and nodded affably in the direction of the jury box.

This infuriated the defence counsel. Your Honor, I don't see how my client can get a fair trial here, he said angrily. Turning to the professor, he demanded, I want your answer, and remember that you are under oath. Do you, or do you not, know more than half the member of this jury?

The physicist smiled. Under oath, I can easily swear that I know more than all of them put together.

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Your mother is such a whore . . .

she committed a crime in hopes of getting a hung jury.

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So a guy kills himself the night he gets acquitted of murder.

No one explained to him what a hung jury meant.

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A witness to an automobile accident was testifying

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.

The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question.

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Paddy goes to court for armed robbery!

Paddy goes to court for armed robbery!
The jury foreman comes out and announced
"Not Guilty"
"That's Grand", shouted Paddy!
"Does that mean I can keep the money?"

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Helen Keller in court

Helen Keller was in court. Why didn't the jury rule in her favor?

They thought her argument was senseless.

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A man is on trial for armed robbery...

The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, Not guilty. The defendant leaps to his feet. Awesome! he shouts. Does that mean I get to keep the money?

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A woman was having surgery

A woman was having surgery to have her left leg amputated, due to gangrene. Unfortunately, the doctor mistakenly removed her right leg.

Realising his mistake while she was still under anaesthesia, he proceeded to remove her left left.

Later on, she sued the doctor for malpractice, but the jury did not come back in her favor.

They said she didn't have a leg to stand on!

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How did the judge punish the criminal that couldn't get his thoughts in order and kept coming up with excuses that didn't make any sense and it was annoying and the jury became angry and it was so annoying for everyone?

It was a run-on sentence.

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A Prostitute Goes to Court

A Prostitute goes to court with a jury, accused of murdering a customer.

After court is done, she comes out of the courtroom. Her friends asks, "So, how was the jury?"

Prostitute says, "They were hung."

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Did you hear about the pornstar in court that was tried by a group of his peers?

They had a hung jury.

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Bill Cosby is having a party to celebrate his hung jury.

There will be free drinks for all the ladies.

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Handyman goes to court

So this handyman was caught working without a license. He was a bit of a diy guy and had decided to fix some things himself, but wasn't licensed to do so and they weren't up to standard.

In the court, the judge received a note from his assistant and immediately declare him guilty for working without a license and for bribing.

Turns out he had done some jury rigging.

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What do you call a jury of well-endowed gentlemen?

A hung jury.

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What's the best part about going to jury duty?

Everyone's legal.

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I got jury duty next week

My duty is to convince the jury that I didn't do it.

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"♪ ♫ He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake... ♪, ♫"

Which is why Santa Clause was arrested and convicted for aggravated stalking and unlawful breaking and entering by a jury of his peers in a court of law.

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What are the most funny Jury jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Jury? Well, here are the best Jury dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Jury pick up lines to share with friends.

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