Witty Jury Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
Helen Keller in court
Helen Keller was in court. Why didn't the jury rule in her favor?
They thought her argument was senseless.
Did you hear about the pornstar in court that was tried by a group of his peers?
They had a hung jury.
My friend got jury duty
So I drove him down to the courthouse. He came out 5 minutes later and said we could go. I said "How did you do that?" He said it was easy, just pretend to be super racist and they let you go. So I tried it myself a couple weeks later.
Apparently it doesn't work if you're the defendant.
The magic Dog
A man goes to a casting show for talents with his dog.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I present: Gizmo the magic dog! I ask him a question and he answers it correct!"
The jury laughed, but he asked:"Gizmo, what is on top of this house?"
"Roof! Roof!", Gizmo said. The audience went quiet.
"Gizmo, what can sink ships?"
"Reef! Reef!", the dog said. One from the jury asked:"Is this a joke? This dog is just barking!"
"Wait! One last question! Gizmo, name one famous composer!"
"Orff! Orff!", Gizmo said.
Man and dog were thrown out of the building. On the street, Gizmo looked up to his owner and said:"I know, Frank. I should have said Mozart..."
What do you call a group of twelve, angry, well-endowed men?
A hung jury.
What did russian judge say to the jury?
I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.
Why does the prosecutor only choose jurors who drive Hummers?
So that there's no chance of a hung jury
I hate it when people want to argue over the use and meaning of words. For example, I like to think of myself as a "ladies man."
But the jury preferred the term "r**...."
I got jury duty next week
My duty is to convince the jury that I didn't do it.
Not guilty
p**... went to trial for armed robbery.
After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted p**.... "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
A jury finds a man not-guilty in court...
During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which the prosecutor exclaimed: "All 12 of them?"
You can explore jury attorney reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean jury verdict dad jokes. There are also jury puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why was the courtroom stocked with toilet paper?
Jury Dootie
Jury awards $22 million to man locked in closet by East Cleveland police for four days with no food or toilet.
R Kelly is going to sue the East Cleveland police for copyright infringement.
What does a room full of White People say to the one black man.
We the jury find the Defendant.
How did the judge punish the criminal that couldn't get his thoughts in order and kept coming up with excuses that didn't make any sense and it was annoying and the jury became angry and it was so annoying for everyone?
It was a run-on sentence.
A r**... is standing trial in front of a jury of English majors....
Judge says: "How do you plead?"
The man replies: "I didn't do nothin'!"
Jury walks out. Case closed.
A p**... Goes to Court
A p**... goes to court with a jury, accused of murdering a customer.
After court is done, she comes out of the courtroom. Her friends asks, "So, how was the jury?"
p**... says, "They were hung."
"♪ ♫ He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake... ♪, ♫"
Which is why Santa Clause was arrested and convicted for aggravated stalking and unlawful breaking and entering by a jury of his peers in a court of law.
Where did the judge go to buy a necklace for his wife?
The jury store
A Man named McMurphy is accused of robbing a bank...
On the last day of his trial, the foreman of the jury stands up.
"Have you reached a verdict?" asked the judge.
"We have your honor..." replied the foreman. "Not guilty!"
"Excellent!" shouted McMurphy "Does that mean i get to keep the money?"
Before a trial in a Death penalty case the judge asks the jury 1 question:
Judge: If the evidence warrants it, would any of you take issue with giving the death penalty to the defendant?
(Juror stands)
Juror: The prison is in Huntsville your honour?
Judge: Yes.
Juror: Well that's a pretty far drive for me & I work all week so I can only do it on a Saturday if that's alright with you.
I think Aaron Hernandez misunderstood the verdict...
He must have thought it ended in a hung jury.
So a guy kills himself the night he gets acquitted of m**....
No one explained to him what a hung jury meant.
What do they call Jury Duty in Australia?
Didgereedooty
Why did the jury decide Ester was not guilty?
Because Ester is in a scent.
A man is up for m**...
A man is up for m**... and discovers his friend a member of the jury
He asks him with great glee "will you please try and get me sentenced with manslaughter"
His friend decides to take up the request.
The mans day in court comes up and he is sentenced with manslaughter, delighted he turns to his friend ans says "was it difficult to get everyone else to go with manslaughter"
His friend replies "it wasn't easy the rest of them didn't think you were guilty at all"
Bill Cosby is having a party to celebrate his hung jury.
There will be free drinks for all the ladies.
What's the best part about going to jury duty?
Everyone's legal.
When I was on a jury, the judge didn't appreciate me bringing a snack for everyone
I thought my trial mix was pretty good too
Why did the judge pass around XL Magnum condoms in court?
Because it was a hung jury
Which one's the gay jury member in the case between Charles Dickens and Leo Tolstoy?
The one that takes Dickens' side.
A man was killed in a boating accident when he ran into a dock
They were going to charge the dock with manslaughter, but they couldn't find a jury of its piers.
I just got called for jury duty and the judge is a midget.
I'm assuming it will be a short trial.
I had a court date this month. I screamed about my innocence and begged them for mercy.
I did not get picked for jury duty.
What do you call a jury of well-endowed gentlemen?
A hung jury.
Jared Fogle was sentenced to 16 years in prison
He told the jury that he was happy with anything under 18
Whenever I get jury duty, I never make it through jury selection
After all, no one wants a hung jury
Handyman goes to court
So this handyman was caught working without a license. He was a bit of a diy guy and had decided to fix some things himself, but wasn't licensed to do so and they weren't up to standard.
In the court, the judge received a note from his assistant and immediately declare him guilty for working without a license and for bribing.
Turns out he had done some jury rigging.
Pornhub was sued a few months ago by xhamster
The trial was long and hard, but ended with a hung jury
A woman was having surgery
A woman was having surgery to have her left leg amputated, due to gangrene. Unfortunately, the doctor mistakenly removed her right leg.
Realising his mistake while she was still under anaesthesia, he proceeded to remove her left left.
Later on, she sued the doctor for malpractice, but the jury did not come back in her favor.
They said she didn't have a leg to stand on!
A man is on trial for armed robbery...
The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clear his t**... and announces, Not guilty. The defendant leaps to his feet. Awesome! he shouts. Does that mean I get to keep the money?
Taking part in jury makes it very likely you'll get hit on by a mathematician
They're integers.
Harvey Weinstein joke with journalists
Journalist: Were those n**... photos of you that the jury looked at?
Harvey Weinstein: No, it was p**... !
I just got to know that my wife cheated on me with all the jury members of my trial
Can't blame her though, it was a hung jury
A man gets arrested for selling alcohol without a permit. He gets a lawyer who tells to not to worry, he's got a fool-proof defense. The day of the trial arrives, and the lawyer address the jury. Ladies and gentlemen, take a good long look at my client...
...do you think, if he had even a drop of alcohol in his possession, that he would sell it?
Ron Jeremy was arrested for s**... assault
Because Ron Jeremy is 67 years old, Prosecutors are worried the evidence won't stand up in court.
Further, Ron Jeremy is entitled to a jury of his peers. Prosecutors are afraid it will be a hung jury.
Happy early 4th of July everyone
And to those who've been a defendant a fourth time then happy 4th of jury
I begged a judge to let me off jury duty because of my job, but he insisted that my company can do just fine without me for a few days.
But that's exactly what I don't want them to figure out.
My friend had his bags stolen on his flight
he arrived at his destination and went straight to a lawyer to sue someone who he thought did it. When the jury reached their decision he was not happy.
He lost his case!
Sue reports for jury duty as ordered.
She promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudiced. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."
"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."
The judge said "You really want the jury to believe.....
that you committed this crime because a pack of black and white, wild animals threatened to kill you if you didn't?"
"Yes, your honour", I said............ "I was badgered into it."
Edit : changed one word.
a man was in court, as he was accused of cannibalism…
The Jury was bought by the accusers claims and was ready for the session to be over, however due to formalities the judge was obligated to allow the dfendant one last shot.
His lawyer, realizing the terrible situation, stared at the judge with an intent look and said, If you are what you eat, my client is in fact an innocent man
Innocent
Drunken Billy was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client. Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, concluded the lawyer, you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had a quart of whiskey he would sell it? He was acquitted.
Did you hear about the heart warming emotional testimony the m**... gave at his trial?
Even the jury was touched.
Many are called, few are chosen.....
.....thats right, I have jury duty
A man won at the Mathematical Olympiad.
When he wanted to claim his prize, the jury made him an offer: "You have two options: Either you get 10,000$ cash right here, right now plus a brand new car. That's your first option!
Or we take a chess board, put one cent on the first field, two cents on the second field and so on and so fo..." "OPTION 2, I WANT OPTION 2!" the awardee exclaimed.
And then he left with 0.96$.
