Jury Jokes

What are some Jury jokes?

Harvey Weinstein joke with journalists

Journalist: Were those nude photos of you that the jury looked at?

Harvey Weinstein: No, it was Playboy !

My friend got jury duty

So I drove him down to the courthouse. He came out 5 minutes later and said we could go. I said "How did you do that?" He said it was easy, just pretend to be super racist and they let you go. So I tried it myself a couple weeks later.

Apparently it doesn't work if you're the defendant.

Note: This is an original joke. Any suggestions on how I can clean it up a bit, make it a little punchier?

Jared Fogle was sentenced to 16 years in prison

He told the jury that he was happy with anything under 18

Not guilty

Paddy went to trial for armed robbery.
After a long drawn out trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted Paddy. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

Lawyer and Witness

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.
The following exchange took place between the lawyer
and the witness:

The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident
happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well,
sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly
that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took
out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer
would ask me that question."

Open and Shut

A man's wife disappears and he's accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client's wife actually alive, but she'll walk through that door in ten seconds."

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but nothing happens.

Think about that, the lawyer says. The fact that you were watching the door, expecting to see the missing woman, proves that you have a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed.

He sits down confidently, and the judge sends the jury off to deliberate. They return in ten minutes and declare the man guilty.

Guilty? says the lawyer. How can that be? You were all watching the door!

Most of us were watching the door, says the foreman. But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the door.

A Man named McMurphy is accused of robbing a bank...

On the last day of his trial, the foreman of the jury stands up.

"Have you reached a verdict?" asked the judge.

"We have your honor..." replied the foreman. "Not guilty!"

"Excellent!" shouted McMurphy "Does that mean i get to keep the money?"

A man is up for murder

A man is up for murder and discovers his friend a member of the jury
He asks him with great glee "will you please try and get me sentenced with manslaughter"
His friend decides to take up the request.
The mans day in court comes up and he is sentenced with manslaughter, delighted he turns to his friend ans says "was it difficult to get everyone else to go with manslaughter"
His friend replies "it wasn't easy the rest of them didn't think you were guilty at all"

I had a court date this month. I screamed about my innocence and begged them for mercy.

I did not get picked for jury duty.

A jury finds a man not-guilty in court...

During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which the prosecutor exclaimed: "All 12 of them?"

I hate it when people want to argue over the use and meaning of words. For example, I like to think of myself as a "ladies man."

But the jury preferred the term "rapist."

Pornhub was sued a few months ago by xhamster

The trial was long and hard, but ended with a hung jury

Who will have child's custody

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

Arrogance

Back in the days when Los Alamos was a small company town, a noted theoretical physicist was called as a witness for the prosecution. Rising to take the stand, the great man smiled and nodded affably in the direction of the jury box.

This infuriated the defence counsel. Your Honor, I don't see how my client can get a fair trial here, he said angrily. Turning to the professor, he demanded, I want your answer, and remember that you are under oath. Do you, or do you not, know more than half the member of this jury?

The physicist smiled. Under oath, I can easily swear that I know more than all of them put together.

Why did the jury decide Ester was not guilty?

Because Ester is in a scent.

What do they call Jury Duty in Australia?

Didgereedooty

So a guy kills himself the night he gets acquitted of murder.

No one explained to him what a hung jury meant.

A woman was having surgery

A woman was having surgery to have her left leg amputated, due to gangrene. Unfortunately, the doctor mistakenly removed her right leg.

Realising his mistake while she was still under anaesthesia, he proceeded to remove her left left.

Later on, she sued the doctor for malpractice, but the jury did not come back in her favor.

They said she didn't have a leg to stand on!

A man is on trial for armed robbery...

The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clear his throat and announces, Not guilty. The defendant leaps to his feet. Awesome! he shouts. Does that mean I get to keep the money?

Helen Keller in court

Helen Keller was in court. Why didn't the jury rule in her favor?

They thought her argument was senseless.

How did the judge punish the criminal that couldn't get his thoughts in order and kept coming up with excuses that didn't make any sense and it was annoying and the jury became angry and it was so annoying for everyone?

It was a run-on sentence.

Handyman goes to court

So this handyman was caught working without a license. He was a bit of a diy guy and had decided to fix some things himself, but wasn't licensed to do so and they weren't up to standard.

In the court, the judge received a note from his assistant and immediately declare him guilty for working without a license and for bribing.

Turns out he had done some jury rigging.

Did you hear about the pornstar in court that was tried by a group of his peers?

They had a hung jury.

A Prostitute Goes to Court

A Prostitute goes to court with a jury, accused of murdering a customer.

After court is done, she comes out of the courtroom. Her friends asks, "So, how was the jury?"

Prostitute says, "They were hung."

Bill Cosby is having a party to celebrate his hung jury.

There will be free drinks for all the ladies.

"♪ ♫ He sees you when you're sleeping He knows when you're awake... ♪, ♫"

Which is why Santa Clause was arrested and convicted for aggravated stalking and unlawful breaking and entering by a jury of his peers in a court of law.

Before a trial in a Death penalty case the judge asks the jury 1 question:

Judge: If the evidence warrants it, would any of you take issue with giving the death penalty to the defendant?

(Juror stands)

Juror: The prison is in Huntsville your honour?

Judge: Yes.

Juror: Well that's a pretty far drive for me & I work all week so I can only do it on a Saturday if that's alright with you.

I got jury duty next week

My duty is to convince the jury that I didn't do it.

What's the best part about going to jury duty?

Everyone's legal.

What do you call a jury of well-endowed gentlemen?

A hung jury.

The magic Dog

A man goes to a casting show for talents with his dog.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I present: Gizmo the magic dog! I ask him a question and he answers it correct!"
The jury laughed, but he asked:"Gizmo, what is on top of this house?"
"Roof! Roof!", Gizmo said. The audience went quiet.
"Gizmo, what can sink ships?"
"Reef! Reef!", the dog said. One from the jury asked:"Is this a joke? This dog is just barking!"
"Wait! One last question! Gizmo, name one famous composer!"
"Orff! Orff!", Gizmo said.
Man and dog were thrown out of the building. On the street, Gizmo looked up to his owner and said:"I know, Frank. I should have said Mozart..."

I think Aaron Hernandez misunderstood the verdict...

He must have thought it ended in a hung jury.

I just got called for jury duty and the judge is a midget.

I'm assuming it will be a short trial.

Jury awards $22 million to man locked in closet by East Cleveland police for four days with no food or toilet.

R Kelly is going to sue the East Cleveland police for copyright infringement.

What does a room full of White People say to the one black man.

We the jury find the Defendant.

Why does the prosecutor only choose jurors who drive Hummers?

So that there's no chance of a hung jury

Whenever I get jury duty, I never make it through jury selection

After all, no one wants a hung jury

Which one's the gay jury member in the case between Charles Dickens and Leo Tolstoy?

The one that takes Dickens' side.

Why did the judge pass around XL Magnum condoms in court?

Because it was a hung jury

What did russian judge say to the jury?

I better stop Stalin for time and Putin a little more effort.

When I was on a jury, the judge didn't appreciate me bringing a snack for everyone

I thought my trial mix was pretty good too

A redneck is standing trial in front of a jury of English majors....

Judge says: "How do you plead?"

The man replies: "I didn't do nothin'!"

Jury walks out. Case closed.

A man was killed in a boating accident when he ran into a dock

They were going to charge the dock with manslaughter, but they couldn't find a jury of its piers.

Where did the judge go to buy a necklace for his wife?

The jury store

What do you call a group of twelve, angry, well-endowed men?

A hung jury.

Why do Harlem trials never result in a conviction?

Because they always end up with a hung jury.

A man's logic

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

A police officer shoots a black man..

but is not charged by the Grand jury as the defense claims that it was dark all around making it difficult to see the victim who got shot as the officer missed the target.

The Grand jury does add a cautionary note asking police officers to remove sunglasses during armed confrontations.

How to make Jury jokes?

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