jungle Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious jungle puns

Missionary in the jungle

A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:

"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"

The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:

"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."

The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.

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What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?

The Polar bear.

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A lost dog strays into the jungle..

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What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear.

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Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
Shows you it works then.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Monkeys picking cherries.

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How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

It paints its balls red and climbs up a cherry tree.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

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A guy is walking through the jungle

A guy is walking through the jungle. All of a sudden he is surrounded by natives. He says "Aw, I'm fucked." A voice from above says "No you aren't." The guy says "Who said that?" The voice says "It's me,God" The guy says "Great. What should I do, God." God says "Grab the spear from the native next to you and plunge it into the Chiefs chest." The guy does this and says "Now what?" God says "Now you're fucked."

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My wife's pregnant

90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?

Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!

Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!

Dr: EXACTLY!!

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How do you hide an Elephant in the jungle?

Paint his balls red and hide him in the top of a cherry tree.

Whats the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

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An Australian on safari...

An Aussie is tramping through a jungle with his hunting gear. He comes into a clearing and finds a stunningly beautiful naked women sprawled out across a bed of leaves.
"My god," he says. "Are you game?"
She smiles invitingly, "Yes I am."
So he shoots her.

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TIL

There's a central african tribe of pygmy called the ''Fakawi'.



But how did they get this name?..



Their habitat in the jungle is covered with wild grass which is 4 feet high but the pygmies are only 3 feet tall...



Every so often they could be seen jumping up shouting...



''Where the Fakawi?''

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How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?

Easy, just paint his balls red.

Now what's the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries

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Two jungle explorers got captured by cannibals...

Now they find themselves in a giant cauldron full of water over an open fire. The water is getting warmer and warmer and both of them realize they're done for. So they're sitting there not sure what to do when one of them lets out a chuckle. "how could you laugh at a time like this?" says the other one, "we're both about to die!".

"I know...but I just peed in their soup."

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What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.

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A badass pooch.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this
from a distance and says with caution "this guy
looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the
lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's
about to run he sees some bones next to him
and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that
was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly
stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher
then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over
by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.
Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can
benefit from this situation by telling the lion and
getting something in return. So the monkey
proceeds to tell the lion what really happened
and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll
get him together". So they start rushing back to
the dog. The dog sees them and realized what
happened and starts to panic even more. He
then gets another idea and shouts "where the
hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me
another lion an hour ago..."

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Jungle Defense

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He says loudly "Mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "Whoa! This guy seems tougher then he looks. I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

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The Drums Must Not Stop

A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.

The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink due to the ongoing drumming so he spoke to the chief. "Chief, I got no sleep last night. Could you maybe stop the drumming for a night so I could rest?"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

The man figured it was their culture and focused on enjoying the day, studying and spending time with the tribe.

That night, the drums again kept the man awake for the whole night and in the morning he spoke with the chief.
"Chief, please! I need some sleep; couldn't the drums cease for just one night for my health?"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

The man, exacerbated, let the issue drop and tried to focus on the day at hand, but could not focus due to lack of sleep and the incessant pounding of the drums.

That night, the beating of the drums left the man sleepless yet again in the morning he angrily approached the chief.
"Chief, I've just about had it. The drums must stop; it is impossible to get any rest with them!"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

"Why! Why can the drums not stop? What happens when the drums stop?!"

The chief replied, "Bass solo."

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A lion is taking a drink from a jungle stream.

A gorilla sees the lion bent over, and runs up and grabs him, then screws the lion up the wazoo. When the gorilla lets go, he takes off running, with the lion roaring and right on his heels. After a few minutes, the gorilla has been able to build up a bit of a lead, but he knows that although the lion can't see him, he is still being chased.

The gorilla spots a typical British camp in a clearing, and ducks into one of the tents. He puts on a khaki shirt, pants, and hat. He exits the tent and sits down in a chair, opening the newspaper and pretending to read it.

The lion comes charging through the camp and yells out, "Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"

The gorilla replies loudly, "You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"

Turning in the direction of the voice, the lion exclaims, "Oh my God - it's in the paper already?!?!"

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Three men shipwreck on an island known for cannibals.

As they wander the jungle they are captured by these cannibals and put in a cage. The biggest and ugliest cannibal approaches the cage and says
"Now we're fun loving cannibals and we like to play games. We'll give you a chance to escape for our amusement, with one item of your choice. If you get to the beach, then you'll be taken back to society. If you fail we shall kill you, skin you, eat you, and turn you into a canoe. Good luck."
The first man wants to go the traditional route and chooses a gun. As he runs to the beach, he runs out of ammo and the cannibals catch him, skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The second man asks for a horse. They begrudgingly give him their only horse, and he rides towards the beach, but the cannibals spear him off the horse and skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The third man asks for a fork. The cannibals give him a funny look and fetch him a fork. The man begins to stab himself all over. The cannibals ask him why he's making their job easier and he yells
"Try and make a canoe out of me now!"

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On a particularly beautiful day, I took my young son to the park. He was playing on the jungle gyms, and I was standing with the other parents, watching our kids play. I turned to one of the fathers and asked, "So which one's yours?"...

"Oh, I haven't decided yet," he said.

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One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle...

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. What's that? he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.

Horrified, she said, Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly. She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. Here, she said, pointing, You must put it in here.

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, Why the hell did you do that?

He replied: Tarzan check for bees!

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A Brit, a Frenchman, and an American are adventuring in a remote jungle...

...and are captured by a tribe of cannibals! The tribe's chief tells them that soon they will die, their flesh eaten, and their skin stretched out to make canoes. But first, they must end their own lives in a manner of their choosing.

The Frenchman sneers and says, "I will take ze poisΓ³n." So the chief concocts a lethal poison of potent herbs and hands it to him. He exclaims, "Vive la France!", downs the poison, and immediately falls over dead.

The Brit musters a stiff upper lip and says, "Righto, I suppose I will shoot myself." The tribe convenes and after some difficulty the chief is able to produce an outdated but functional firearm which he reluctantly hands to the Brit. A man of his word, he puts the gun to his head and says, "God save the Queen!", pulls the trigger, and falls over dead.

The American says, "Just give me a sharp stick." The chief looks back at the tribe in confusion, who simply shrug back, and hands the man a simple stick whittled to a sharp point on one end. The American snatches up the stick, begins to stab himself everywhere repeatedly, and screams, "Fuck your canoe!"

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A little lizard

A little lizard is walking through the jungle one day and spots a koala bear up in a tree.
"Hey, what are you doing?" asks the little lizard. Koala bear replies, "I'm getting high, come up and join me."
So the little lizard climbs the tree and shares a joint with the koala bear. Pretty soon the little lizard gets thirsty, he spots the river and says he's going to go get a drink. So the little lizard climbs down the tree, walks over to the river and as he is drinking he ends up falling in. An alligator saw this and rushes over to help the little lizard out of the water.
"What the heck are you doing?" asks the alligator.
"Well, I was getting high with the koala bear in the tree and then I got thirsty and then...."
"Whoa, wait a minute. You were getting high with a koala bear? I've got to see this." Says the alligator as he goes walking off into the jungle.
The alligator spots the koala bear in the tree and shouts up "Hey, what are you doing up there?"
The koala bear looks down and says "Shiiiiiiiiiiit, Dude, how much water did you drink?"

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An elephant is walking through the jungle and gets a painful splinter in his foot

He is moaning in pain, just when an ant walks up. The ant sees his problem, and says, "Hey, I'll pull the splinter out of your foot, if you let me fuck you up the ass."

The elephant laughs a bit and agrees. So the ant climbs along his foot, and is able to pull hard enough to remove the splinter. The elephant is immediately relived, and thanks the ant. The ant says, "You made a deal - now I get to fuck you up the ass!" The elephant laughs again and says, "Yep, a deal is a deal - go ahead!"

So the ant climbs up the elephant's hind leg, goes under his tail, and starts to do his business. Meanwhile, a monkey has been up in a tree watching this whole thing, and throws a coconut at the elephant, hitting him squarely in the head.

The elephant then rears up on his hind legs and lets out a huge yell of pain.

The ant screams, "Take it all, Bitch!"

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Jane Meets Tarzan

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and while questioning him about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What`s that" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, I use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.
"Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan not stupid - check for bees."

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There's a central african tribe of pygmy called the ''Fakawi'.

But how did they get this name?..

Their habitat in the jungle is covered with wild grass which is 4 feet high but the pygmies are only 3 feet tall...

Every so often they could be seen jumping up shouting...

''Where the Fakawi?''

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3 guys walk into the jungle

They are found by a group of natives and are brought back to the chief.
The chief says, "I will let you go, but only if you bring back 10 if the same kind of fruit."
The first guy comes back with 10 apples.
The chief says, "Now you can go, but only if you can fit all of them in your butt without making a sound."
He makes it to 2 before crying out in pain.
The second guy comes back with 10 grapes. The chief tells him the same thing.
He only makes it to 9 grapes before he bursts out in laughter.
In heaven, the first guy asks the second why he started laughing.
The second guy replies, "I saw the other guy coming back with 10 pineapples."

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The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest.

The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest to see which agency is best at tracking down criminals. So they devise a contest where they release a mouse in the jungle and after 30 minutes each agency goes out to find it. The agency that takes the least time catching the mouse wins.

They get the contest starting and the Police goes first. They let the mouse go and with their informant network they arrive 3 hours later with the mouse.

Then goes the Interpol. They let the mouse go and with their communication network and international contacts, they arrive 1 hour later with the mouse.

Finally the CIA goes after the mouse. Their agent go running into the jungle, and 10 minutes later they arrive with a beaten up crocodile screaming I'm the mouse! I'm the mouse!

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Lion vs Dog

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.

So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog.

The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

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Tarzan and Jane were in the jungle...

... and while Jane was asking Tarzan about his life she asked him how he had sex.
Tarzan wasn't sure what she meant so she proceeded to explain.
Tarzan explained that he used a knot hole in a tree trunk.
Jane was shocked by this and said 'You can't do it like that I will have to show you'.
So she takes of all her clothes, lays onto the ground and points to her privates 'Put it in there' she says.
So Tarzan takes off his loin cloth and gets closer and then kicks her as hard as he can in the groin.
Jane is rolling around in agony and says 'What did u do that for?'
Tarzan says 'checking for squirrels'.

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Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife said, ''What are we going to do?''

''Nothing,'' said Ben, ''The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

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Elephant Camouflage

Q:How does an elephant hide in the forest?

A:he paints his balls red and climbs up an apple tree

Q:Have you ever seen an elephant in an apple tree?

A:it works doesn't it.

Q:Whats the loudest sound in the jungle?

A:Giraffes eating apples!

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Tortoises's Birthday

All the animals in the jungle were gathered to celebrate the tortoises birthday. The lion suggested that the animals each tell their funniest joke to the tortoise so he could have a nice laugh. He also said that if their joke did not make the tortoise laugh, he would eat them. So the monkey went first and told the funniest joke he knew and everyone laughed... Except the tortoise. So the lion ate him. The gazelle was next and nervously told her funniest joke. Again everyone laughed but the tortoise so the lion ate the gazelle. After a few more times of this happening it seemed the tortoise didn't find any of the jokes funny. It was the rabbits turn and he told the funniest joke any of the animals had ever heard, but the tortoise would still not laugh. The lion was starting to get a little annoyed that the tortoise wasn't laughing. Finally it was board turn and he told a mediocre joke and only got a few laughs. However, the tortoise started laughing hysterically. The lion, confused, asked the tortoise how he found the boar's joke funny but not the other ones. The tortoise said "No...I just got the monkey's joke."

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Im fucked god

A missionary is travelling in the jungle and suddenly finds himself surrounded by a a group of warriors from a local tribe.

He begins praying to god and says, "I'm fucked god, I'm fucked". God answers him back and says, "no, you're not fucked. Grab the spear from the leader, crack it over his head and stab his son right in the heart".

Guy does as he is told by god. Wham! Bang stab! He looks up to heaven and says to god, "what now?" God responds, "NOW you're fucked!"

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three men stranded on a desert island...

3 men get stranded on a desert island. After wandering around a while, they are found by some tribesmen. The natives take them back to their hut. The chief tells them, "Go out into the jungle and collect 10 pieces of fruit."
The first guy returns with 10 apples, and the chief says "Now shove them all up your ass without showing any emotion, or we'll kill you."
He shoves the the first up, and is in terrible pain, but shows no emotion, but during the process of pushing up the second, he flinches, and therefore gets shot.
The second guy comes back with 10 cherries, and gets told to do the same.
He's finding it relatively easy, but when he gets to the eighth, starts laughing hysterically, and gets shot.
He meets up with the first guy in heaven, and the first guy asks, "Why did you do that, why did you laugh?" and the second guy replies,
"Well I nearly finished when I saw the next guy walking up with pineapples!"

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What are the most funny Jungle jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Jungle? Well, here are the best Jungle dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Jungle pick up lines to share with friends.

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