jumped Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious jumped puns

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.

Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The twat."

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I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore.

The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.

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I was in Feruson, got jumped by 5 black guys

It started right up, they said I just need to replace the battery.

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I went to a disco last night.

I went to a disco last night. They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.

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A mugger

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

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They used to be called "Jumpolines"

...until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.

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I went to a dance.

First they played 'Jump', so I jumped.

Then they played 'The Twist', so I twisted.

Then they played 'Come On Eileen', so I got kicked out.

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I walked in on my son trying to suck his own penis.

He jumped up, "Dad! It's not what it looks like!"

"Don't worry, son." I replied. "I've tried too."

He said, "Really?"

I said, "Yeah. But you woke up before I had the chance."

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Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

The first lady had a stroke, the second lady had a stroke, but the third lady's arm was too short to reach.

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Lesson 4 of 6: The Crow and the Rabbit

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: sure, why not! So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.


A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


**Moral of the story**: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

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Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this – I'm a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

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Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...

...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.

"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.

Stalin lit his pipe and replied:

"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."

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Terrifying Story

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".

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A man sitting in a bar suddenly shouted

All lawyers are assholes!
Another man jumped off his stool. Those are fighting words!
Oh, so you're a lawyer?
No, I'm an asshole.

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What Did the Janitor Say When He Jumped Out of the Closet?

"Supplies!"


I'll see myself out

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What happened when I jumped off a famous building in France?

Eiffel

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what happened to the cow when it jumped over the barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction!

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Earlier today a German Shepard jumped over the fence and took a shit on my lawn

Then 30 minutes later his dog came and did the same thing.

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On my 16th birthday my parents tried to surprise me with a car

but I jumped out of the way.

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I got jumped by three black men downtown the other day...

They were quite polite the whole time they were jumping me. Even gave me directions to the nearest auto parts store so I could get a new car battery.

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I went skydiving today.

The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?

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My parents don't understand my generation joking about committing suicide and said I wasn't allowed to...

Me: all my friends do it

Parents: if all you're friends jumped off a cliff would you do that too

Me: ok it's bad enough that you won't let me joke about it but you don't need to be a hypocrite

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Saw some kids building sandcastles on the beach so I ran and jumped on one of them.

Then I wrecked his sandcastle.

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TIL Trampolines were originally called Jumpolines..

..until your mom jumped on one.

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You looked a lot like my wife

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

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What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence?

It was an udder disaster.

^(I'll show myself out)

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I got jumped by 5 black guys downtown the other day...

The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.

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I saw a guy getting jumped by 4 people so I decided to step in and help...

That guy stood no chance against the 5 of us.

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A German tourist jumped into the freezing water to save my drowning dog...

After he climbed out of the water, he handed me my dog and said here is ze dog. Keep him warm, and he vill be fine.

I asked him Are you a vet?

He replied Vet? I'm fucking soaking!

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I nearly jumped 10 feet in the air during my first prostate exam.

Good thing the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders.

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What did the optimist say as he jumped off the building?

So far, so good.

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I'd been looking for an opportunity to impress my new boss, so I jumped at the chance when he asked if I'd had a good weekend.

"It was very productive," I said. "I taught our Bobby how to ride a bike."

"That's great," he smiled. "How old is he?"

"Ten years old," I replied.

"Oh, well that's not actually impressive at all," he sneered, walking off.

Fucker. They must have smarter dogs where he comes from.

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I had a terrible night out at the club

I'm not much of a clubber, but I was starting to get the hang of it. They played "Jump Around" and I jumped around, they played "Put Your Hands Up" and I did, everything seemed to be going well. Then they played "Come On Eileen" and I got thrown out...

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Why do scuba-divers jump backwards into the water?

Because if they jumped forwards they'd still be in the boat.

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What are the most funny Jumped jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Jumped? Well, here are the best Jumped dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Jumped pick up lines to share with friends.

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