Jumped Jokes
124 jumped jokes and hilarious jumped puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about jumped that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the secret to having your friends doubled over in laughter - learning how to get "jumped" when you tell a joke. Pounce on the punchline, hop on the hilarity, and have your friends risen in rapturous laughter.
Funniest Jumped Short Jokes
Short jumped jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The jumped humour may include short jumping jokes also.
- While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
- I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.
- I'm starting to think Jews really do run this country but don't want to jump to conclusions, this my first time visiting Israel
- I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore... They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.
- A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building... He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
- I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore. The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.
- What is the only reason Donald Trump is watching the Olympics? So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.
- A mugger jumps out in front of a university student... ...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a computer science student. I don't have either". - I was in Feruson, got jumped by 5 black guys It started right up, they said I just need to replace the battery.
- I went to a disco last night. I went to a disco last night. They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.
Share These Jumped Jokes With Friends
Jumped One Liners
Which jumped one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with jumped? I can suggest the ones about jumps and hopped.
- Yo momma is so fat ... She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars.
- How do you jump higher on a water bed? You fill it with spring water.
- How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
- They used to be called "Jumpolines" ...until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.
- 2020 Olympic high jump results Gold - Mexico
silver - Mexico
Bronze - Mexico - Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un jump off a cliff. Who wins? Mankind
- Why did HD TV jump from 2K straight to 4k? Because 3k was considered too racist.
- Go bungee jumping for free! No strings attached.
- If I wanted to kill myself... I'd jump from your ego to your IQ.
- What happened when I jumped off a famous building in France? Eiffel
- what happened to the cow when it jumped over the barbed wire fence? Udder destruction!
- Never do a parachute jump with your girlfriend... Do it with a parachute.
- Ever been to a bulimic's birthday party? (fixed) The cake jumps out of the girl.
- What did the optimist say as he jumped off the building? So far, so good.
- What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? Any kind. Buildings can't jump.
Getting Jumped Jokes
Here is a list of funny getting jumped jokes and even better getting jumped puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- sin and cos are lying down next to each other on the beach when all of a sudden sin jumps on top of cos. cos shouts "what are you doing?" sin replies, "im trying to get tan."
- A physicist is walking along a road when she looks up at a tall building... She sees a man on the roof getting ready to jump and shouts out to him, "Don't do it, you have so much potential!"
- What happens when a frog's car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad...
- I saw a guy getting jumped by 4 people so I decided to step in and help... That guy stood no chance against the 5 of us.
- Lately people have been trying to get me to jump off a dock But I don't give into pier pressure.
- I hate optimists. They'll jump out of a plane expecting sunshine and rainbows to cushion their fall. Meanwhile, I'll look both ways before crossing the street and get hit by the optimist.
- My Grandpa told me this joke when I was 16... It took me a few years to understand it. How do you get a black man to stop jumping on the bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.
- A wife was dreaming... Suddenly she wakes up and yells "Quick get out my husband's home!" her husband hurriedly wakes up and jumps out the window.
- I saw my ex getting jumped. I saw my ex getting jumped by 6 dudes so I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance with all 7 of us.
- Why does Mexico never get any Olympic medals? Because any Mexican who can run, jump, or swim is in America already
Gather Around for Heartwarming Jumped Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about jumped you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean skipped jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make jumped pranks.
I went skydiving today.
The guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane, and as we began to fall he yelled in my ear "So how long you been an instructor?
Mental Hospital
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Bad News
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
birthday
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great s**..., any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
You looked a lot like my wife
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
A mugger
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
Mice
We've had a few mice in the house recently so I set a few traps.
The next day I went down to check and was very surprised with what I found.
I jumped back into bed and said to the wife, "There are some clever mice in this area."
"Why?" she asked, "Did they get the cheese without springing the traps?"
"They didn't go near them," I replied. "They're sitting in the living room playing Scrabble."
What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was an udder disaster.
^(I'll show myself out)
the three legged pig joke reminded me of a joke my dad once told me
a scientist was doing an experiment on a frog in his lab, he placed the frog down on the floor and said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped 4 feet and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 4 legs, jumps 4 feet"
he then cut off one of the frogs legs and again said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped only 3 feet this time and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 3 legs, jumps 3 feet"
he cut off a 2nd leg and said "Frog jump!". this time the frog only jumped 2 feet and so he noted
"frog with 2 legs, jumps 2 feet"
he then cut off a 3rd leg and again said "Frog jump!". the frog only jumped a foot and so he noted
"frog with 1 leg, jumps 1 foot"
the scientist then cut off the frogs last remaining leg and said "Frog jump!, Frog jump!, FROG JUMP!!!!!" but the frog did not move. so he noted
"frog with 0 legs, deaf"
I crashed into the back of someones car on the way home from work...
I got out to check the damage and a midget jumped out of the drivers seat shouting,
"I'm not happy!"
I took one look and replied,
"well which one are you then?"
An American asked the Newfy scubadiver,
"Why do you jump into the water backwards?"
To which the Newfy replied, "If we jumped forwards, we'd still be in the boat."
Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...
...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.
"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.
Stalin lit his pipe and replied:
"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."
Fella rescued a damsel in distress.
Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized the time and jumped up with a start. Running around getting his clothes on, he said, "What am I going to tell my wife?" "Wait, do you have any baby powder" he asked. "Certainly" she replied. He dusted his hands with the powder and headed home.
Walking in the door, he was greeted by his wife demanding to know where he had been. So he told her the truth, how he had stopped to change a woman's tire then wound up spending the afternoon in bed with her.
His wife looked at him for a moment, then grabbed his hands looking at them. She screamed at him, "You s**..., you spent the day playing pool again, didn't you?"
I was in Ferguson last night and got jumped by 5 black guys!
The car started right up, they just said it just needs a new battery. What nice gentlemen i thought to myself.
Went to our annual work party last night...
They played 'The Twist' so I twisted. They played 'Jump' so I jumped. Then they played 'Come on Eileen'...I was asked to leave shortly after that.
A frog jumped higher than a building...
...because buildings can't jump.
I got jumped by three black men downtown the other day...
They were quite polite the whole time they were jumping me. Even gave me directions to the nearest auto parts store so I could get a new car battery.
The trampoline used to be called
a jumpoline until your mum jumped on it
A bowling ball jumped off the roof of a tall building.
Looking among the pieces of shattered bowling ball, the Physicist in the crowd regretfully said, "He had so much potential..."
I know I know. I'm not a dad but I teach physics and I've never made up a joke before....
Why do scuba-divers jump backwards into the water?
Because if they jumped forwards they'd still be in the boat.
I jumped into the pool with my iPhone....
It's syncing now
Terrifying Story
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".
Two nuns were out walking in the woods
When two thugs jumped out from behind a bush and started r**... the nuns, the first nun started praying to God, asking him to forgive the men as they knew not what they were doing, the second nun turned to the first and told her, yours might not know what he is doing but mine sure does.
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of...
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs
"give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this, I am a United States congressman!"
In that case," replied the mugger,
"give me my money."
If you jumped off a bridge in Paris
You'd be In seine
Bert, the oldest guy at the company was retiring...
At his retirement party, as a surprise, a large cake was rolled out, and a s**..., scantly clad woman jumped out! The woman called him over and whispered, "Hey there s**..., you want some super s**... tonight?"
"Well", said Bert, "that depends, what sort of soup?"
I went to a dance club last night...
>They played 'The Twist', and so I did the twist.
>They played 'Jump', and I jumped.
>They played 'Come on Eileen', and I got kicked out of the club.
-Not mine, but I thought I'd share.
second language
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
I went to a dance club last night...
They played "The Twist, " so I twisted.
Then they played "Jump, " so I jumped.
Then they played "Come on Eileen, "
....and I got thrown out. :-(
Saw some kids building sandcastles on the beach so I ran and jumped on one of them.
Then I wrecked his sandcastle.
I went to a dance.
First they played 'Jump', so I jumped.
Then they played 'The Twist', so I twisted.
Then they played 'Come On Eileen', so I got kicked out.
I nearly jumped 10 feet in the air during my first prostate exam.
Good thing the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders.
What Did the Janitor Say When He Jumped Out of the Closet?
"Supplies!"
I'll see myself out
A man claimed he could jump higher than his house...
A man was talking to his friend and he said, "Dude, I bet $20 that I can jump higher than my house." His friend replied, "Ok, deal."
They went outside and the man jumped a foot into the air. "Well, time to pay up!" said his friend. "Nope!", the man said, "You owe me $20!" "How?" "I jumped a foot in the air, and my house can't jump at all!"
Two nuns in the park...
Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to s**... assault them.
Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!"
Harambe Memes died just like Harambe himself...
When the little kids jumped in.
I jumped on the bus, and said, "Two, please."
The driver said, "This is a school bus."
I replied, "I know, and make them good looking."
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a s**..., the second lady had a s**..., but the third lady's arm was too short to reach.
An Egyptian man won't accept that he is a bad swimmer, so he jumped into the river...
He's still in the Nile.
A man goes to the Doctor
*Guy*: Doctor, My girlfriend is
pregnant but we always used double
protection. Then, how is it possible?
*Doctor*: Let me tell you a story to make you realize that it is possible.
"There was a Hunter who always carried a
Gun wherever he went.
One day, he took his Umbrella instead of his
Gun and went out.
A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him.
In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a
Gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died!
*Guy*:This is totally Nonsense!!
"Someone else must
have shot the Lion"
*Doctor*: Good!! You understood the Story. Next patient please... .
Note: My friend just told me this joke so I'm not sure if it's been here before
My girlfriends parents and I tried surprising her with a car on her 16th birthday
But she got lucky at the last second and jumped out of the way.
On my 16th birthday my parents tried to surprise me with a car
but I jumped out of the way.
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday"
Adam was talking to his friend at a bar. He said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck." His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying that she can have 60 minutes of great s**..., anyway she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So Adam decided to listen to his friend's advice. The next day at the bar, his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!"
Today I drove by a prison...
and saw a midget prisoner climbing down the wall.
As he jumped down, he sneered at me and I thought, well, that's a little condescending.
I had a terrible night out at the club
I'm not much of a clubber, but I was starting to get the hang of it. They played "Jump Around" and I jumped around, they played "Put Your Hands Up" and I did, everything seemed to be going well. Then they played "Come On Eileen" and I got thrown out...
Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July.
The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.
Lesson 4 of 6: The Crow and the Rabbit
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: sure, why not! So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
**Moral of the story**: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
I was at an office party last night.
They played the Twist and I twisted, they played Jump Around and I jumped around. Unfortunately, I was asked to leave when they played Come on Eileen
My local park doesn't allow wheeled vehicles inside.
Today a group of people are protesting this rule by driving a huge cart through the park. At first I didn't like the idea but I changed my mind and jumped on the banned wagon.
What was the last thing that went through Joe's head when he jumped off a 10 story building?
His legs.
g**... skates.
The ice was thin.
Then it broke and she fell right in.
The boy on the bank heard her shout.
He jumped right in and helped her out.
Now they're married.
Very nice.
All she had to do
was break the ice.
Guy: Doctor my girlfriend is pregnant but I always wear contraception and the rubber never breaks
Doctor: Let me tell you a story, there once was a hunter who always carried a gun with him. But one day he forgot his gun and brought an umbrella with him instead (cause it was raining). Then a lion jumped at him but he shot it with the umbrella
Guy: Nonsense, someone else must have shot the lion!
Doctor: Ahh, so you understood my story. Next!
A pianist performing in a subway terminal...
was playing beautifully. I was only offput by the weird looking kid with a dunce cap sitting atop the piano.
Suddenly, the weird looking kid with the dunce cap jumped up and scurried off. The piano player abruptly stopped playing.
I asked him, "why did you stop playing?"
To which he replied, "I cannot play piano without my metro-gnome."
So i went to a dance club the other night...
... I had a great time
They played the Macarena, so I did the Macarena.
They played Jump Around, so I jumped around.
They played The Twist, so I did The Twist.
Then they played Come on Eileen, so I was promptly kicked out of the club.
I saw an old man getting jumped by 3 people
So I came over and helped. No way he could stand a chance with all 4 of us.
My parents don't understand my generation joking about committing s**... and said I wasn't allowed to...
Me: all my friends do it
Parents: if all you're friends jumped off a cliff would you do that too
Me: ok it's bad enough that you won't let me joke about it but you don't need to be a hypocrite
Two men walk up to a hole
One says to the other, "I wonder how deep this hole is" then picks up an anvil near them and throws it down the hole.
After about 20 seconds, the men hear a goat running behind them and it jumps in the hole. "Woah!" they both thought.
Then, a farmer walks up to them and asks them if they saw his goat. The first man says that it just jumped in the hole. Then the farmer said "Impossible! I tied him to my anvil!"
I was walking home when I saw two guys beating up a kid in an alley
I immediately jumped in to help.
He didn't stand a chance against the three of us.
I was at a bar once, and the band played "Jump"
.. and everyone jumped. Then the band played "Twist and Shout" and everyone twisted and shouted.
Then the band played "Come on Eileen". Poor Eileen!
The mugger
One night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this- I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"
Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.
The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.
The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he was brought forward for his execution, he yelled "earthquake"! Again, the firing squad panicked and the second man took advantage of it to jump over the wall and into freedom.
The third man thought he saw the pattern: yell a disaster and jump over the wall. When he was finally brought forward, with a smirk on his face he yelled "fire"!
What did Geronimo yell when he jumped out of a plane?
MEEEEEEE!!!!!
The Teacher instructed her class to create a sentence with the words; defense, defeat and detail.
Little Lisa, who was normally a very quiet and reclusive child immediately jumped and waved her hand excitedly. Thinking a breakthrough was imminent, she picked Lisa first. Lisa recited; The cat jumped over defense. Defeat went first, detail went last.
What did the physicist say about the child that jumped off a building?
He had so much potential
I went to a wedding dance once
When the DJ played "Twist", I did the twist. When he played "Jump", of course I jumped. When he played "Come on Eileen", well, I ended up getting arrested.
One time I was alone and got lost in downtown Chicago, and got jumped by four black guys.
They were real nice, car started right up, and they even gave me directions back to the interstate.
Two Parachutists
Two parachutists jumped out of a plane, they had headsets on so they could talk to each other on the way down.
One man's parachute opened, the other one's didn't.
The guy with the defective c**... was falling fast but appeared to be slowly and very calmly trying to figure out the issue. Appeared to be in no rush.
The other guy with the good c**... said Hey, you look so calm and collected. Why are you taking your time? Why aren't you panicking?
The guy with the unopened c**... said Hey, why should I rush? I've got the rest of my life to figure it out .
A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.
The corporal explained the procedure "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord. If the c**... doesn't open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."
The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo! " and jumped out of the plane. He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The c**... failed to open. He pulled the second ripcord and the c**... still didn't open. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that g**... truck won't be there either."
An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years
A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"
The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."
The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh, thank God. I thought you said *fifteen* years."
I saw an old man get jumped by 3 guys, so i decided to help.
He didn't stand a chance against the 4 of us.
I saw an advert selling a trained police dog for £25 in the local paper, saw a bargain and bought it.
When the current owner brought it round a mangy mutt jumped out their car.
I said 'There's no way that's a Police dog'
The owner replied 'Don't let looks decieve you, he worked undercover'
A prisoner spent a month digging an escape tunnel and finally came out in the playground of a preschool.
He jumped around with excitement yelling "I'm free, I'm free". A small girl looked up at him and said, "Big b**... deal, I'm four".
